I Am Not What I Am

People Need an IQ of at least 115 to Post Online

2010-11-29T18:43:00.003-07:00

There are a lot of creepy things on the internet. Idiots are sending out chain letters that still claim Barak Obama is not an American citizen. You would think that someone with an above average IQ (over 115 if we're talking about over 1 standard deviation) would automatically think these sort of things are bullshit. I mean look: he was a Senator before becoming President. Why weren't you all going crazy then?

But, this is not the topic of my post today. Idiots are running the internet and it is a horrible sight (no pun intended). Pages are being written by complete idiots, blogs are written by complete idiots, and news articles are written by complete idiots. There are so many things on the internet being written by a good deal of people within the 34% of the world with an IQ from 85-100. It's statistics.

My favorite example of the idiocy of the world is something I've run across recently. As an experiment, a few people I know changed a wikipedia page slightly. In this article, they claim that an acid derived from a flower is an essential part of soap products. They edited this February 20, 2010. As of October 26, 2010, that part no longer exists, but not because someone erased that small phrase they added to an existing sentence, someone took out the entire paragraph that edit was in. It took ten months before the blatant and unverified lie was omitted, and they removed it by accident. Obviously the people who patrol these articles don't know anything about what the plant does.

Recently, the Onion wrote an amusing little article that FoxNation published on their own site and touted as news. Of course, they gave credit to the Onion via a small link to the original presumably. As most of my readers will know, the Onion is a satire news source that comments on the goings on of the world through humor. In fact, for the Midterm elections, the Onion tweeted out tips for electronic voting machines, many of which obviously were bad ideas (one was something along the lines of "pay attention to the smudge marks to pick the most popular candidate"). When I had read the small article on this event, the FoxNation page was already removed, but still.

I have stumbled upon a small WikiHow instructing readers on the "proper" way to become a nerd. Now, I am a nerd. It would be fair to say a number of my friends are nerds. Upon reading this article, it was almost completely apparent that the authors (as it was a large collaboration of people) don't know anything about being a nerd. They kind of just assume things are what they are and then wrote it down. Someone claimed that hardcore computer nerds don't use Internet Explorer because it is "mainstream" and that nerds only use Firefox and Google Chrome because it's not mainstream and that it is improper to call those browsers by their full name. I have many problems with this. Someone else claimed that nerds dress up in expensive business suits. So do Business majors and most of those people would hurt you for calling them nerds.

This article was just so deluded and drew upon the stereotypes of every nerd v. jock movie of the 80's and 90's that the people who wrote this article wouldn't be able to tell you how the nerd was when they arrived on any school campus today.

Firstly, nerds don't use Firefox and Google Chrome because Internet Explorer is mainstream, but because IE sucks. Also, IE used to have the most viruses because everyone used it. Now, the viruses have started to spread to other browsers, but the other browsers are also more user friendly and customizable.
No one, in real life conversation, says "I use FF" because that sounds like you are on some new drug or perhaps you created some new slang for a pharmaceutical agent your doctor prescribed for your asthma, you fucking faggot. (No offense)
Nerds aren't hipsters. We don't look for things no one uses and then say we are apart of a small collective and thus better than anyone else. We are the poor saps who alpha and beta test games for free because we worship the developers or the series. We have no sense of superiority over people beyond knowing the random shit we know.
Nerds don't care what they wear. My friends think it's hilarious to watch the expression on people's faces when they walk into places with blazers on. That's their thing; not all nerds buy expensive business suits to wear.
Not all nerds do the whole taped-up glasses thing. That used to be because people broke the nerd's glasses all the time and those things are expensive.

Being that this was a WikiHow, any attempts at changing the obviously outdated and hurtful information were useless and any decent information edited to the page was reverted back to it.

The internet is a horrible place. I'm not even talking about the popular imageboard that the news had demonized for a little while. I'm not even talking about all of the child pornography that has found a home on some off-shore server because it probably can't exist on an American server without some trouble. I'm not even talking about all of the sites that encourage people to make drugs in their basement - it's the internet. I'm talking about all of the lame-brained people who think they have the right to shoot off lies and untruths simply because they don't know any better. So unless the government wants to fund my crazy "Fact-Checker" program where I gather a ton of my friends who have tolerable or acceptable IQs, I think it should be mandated that people with an IQ of at least 115 are the only people who are allowed to publish text and essays and articles on the internet. I'm not robbing the internet from any of you.

What I'm suggesting is that there should be a group of people who know their shit and who will be willing to get paid to go through the Wikipedias and the wikipages of the world and fact check those as the first stage of this mandate. After those have been done to an appropriate and tolerable level, new information will be written by these intelligent, smarter-than-average people. Everyone else can still post on forums if they have problems or if they want to whine about their closeted boyfriend named Ember. Forums, imageboards, chat boards, video game chat rooms, etc. are for everyone who want to discuss related things. Online documents and articles will be written by the truly intelligent people who will be paid to research and write.

This will apply to blogs too. If someone wants to talk about all of the sex they are having, go ahead. That blog will be listed under the general blog directory for anyone who is interested in that sort of stuff. If someone wants to read about an opinion regarding politics, everyone can write those. The people who write those with IQs over 115 will simply get their own directory for an "informed opinion on politics" because I simply won't tolerate nut jobs who believe the Congress gets off by hiding stuff from us mixed with the literate and well-read bloggers who really tell the story. I've accounted for the people with crazy high IQs and are also conspiracy theorists. Those people will be listed in their own little directory (as they are only a very small fraction of people) and mostly left to do whatever they want.

It is a sad world when anyone can go online and write something and someone will think it is good or true or undeniable. No one caught that fairly discreet untruth on that Wikipedia page, and if no one changed the format, it would probably still be there today. The internet was created as a means to share information. How can we share information when every other user-contributed thing is false or obviously not as good as it could be and the people who patrol those pages won't let a change be made? The internet was created as the network to collaborate ideas and pornography. I guess one out of two isn't too bad.

Irony

2010-04-12T22:12:00.002-07:00

My life is a giant, ironic joke.

For example, I started this blog during the spring break of my Junior year of high school. Still single, the idea was to glamorize my life and make myself sound more exciting. I blogged more often then than I do now, when my life is exciting and I do have a sex life. I've defeated the purpose of this blog, firstly by hoping to keep this thing anonymous but only giving the link to friends and then by refusing to kiss and tell.

Secondly, throughout a fairly lengthy period, I was given emotional advice by someone who shouldn't even be allowed to give advice with anything outside of hard facts and logic. I follow them today simply because they've become a habit. I'm doing very well with my emotional life.

I've always thought myself to be completely independent. I'm not. I'm a scared little girl who craves attention. I've gotten used to the level of attention I normally get and without that, and especially pumped full of varying levels of estrogen and progesterone, I'm a walking time bomb. I get irritated quickly, I very often crave sympathy and when I do not receive the amount I find satisfactory, I make myself a victim and try to get even more sympathy from other people. My life is grand, but I still do this to myself and others.

My favorite irony is the part where I take advantage of being a woman, but bitch at every other one who doesn't understand the complexities of life. I don't comprehend the entirety of life and I still rant about other people. I will often compare myself to a guy, claim I'm more boyish than I am a girl, but when it comes down to it, I would love to dress up, make up, look pretty and hear a guy stutter out a compliment. And maybe that's why I am a boy most of the time is so the shock I get is real and definitely there all the time.

On the plus side, I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm totally okay with everything in life right now.

The exciting thing is my brothers are finally about ready to start driving themselves. This means I can be more selfish with my scheduling next semester and move closer to moving out. On one side, I look forward to this. On the other, it's a bit scary. I know that with the advantages, I would work my ass off just to be able to stay independent, but I don't want to take advantage of other people. I've been living off of people for the entirety of my life. I guess it's kind of my life goal to give something back to them.

Card-Carrying Hypocrites

2010-04-08T00:21:00.002-07:00

Girls, women, females, whatever. We are the largest hypocrites in the world. Like, we live a double standard and then expect everything to work for us because we are the "weaker/fairer/whatever sex." Well, dears, I have news for you!

Firstly, the feminist movement as been up and about; the radical ones call men pigs and tote science around almost inaccurately and say females would do fine and be able to repopulate the world without men. And then they expect every guy they cross to be chivalrous and when they don't do that, they freak out. When the men are chivalrous, they feel emasculated. The lighter ones dump this superiority complex onto men and whip them into obeying it. When men try to level things out and make the relationship something more of an equality, the women freak out, withhold sex, and condition males to be douche-y tools.

Secondly, with fashion and modesty constantly being redefined to be more revealing, females jump on the opportunity to make men squirm. And then they are all up in arms about rape statistics, and have to carry Mace or pepper spray. I'm totally into the idea of personal defense, but there is a point where eventually, you're pretty much asking for trouble by wearing the things you do and walking around drunk people. And since these girls are always freaking out about who might be a potential rapist, they are at a constant level of being ready to pepper spray the hell out of someone. They are on this level to the point where they are ready to "defend" themselves in widely public areas or small enclosed spaces where it is not only dangerous to release an aerosol, but an aerosol of a heavy irritant might as well be fucking illegal.

This leads to more points, but the main one is the large double standard on how people are perceived. Girls seem to freak the hell out when a strange male over the age of maybe 15 talks to them or attempts to ask for help. Yes, American culture dictates as little communication between strangers, but we are in an area where American culture has been diluted. Mexican culture is extremely comfortable talking to strangers. In fact, Mexican culture seems to dictate a friendliness where Americans would consider that too close and too personal. And girls don't get that. And most of those artsy girls think they are so refined and cultural. But any single female would rather drop dead than ignore some fairly attractive male that might be asking for help or just sitting across some form of public transportation from her. Most girls, if they are the quiet and bookish type, will secretly hope the guy starts conversation.

Oh, and girls looking to sabotage a relationship and then win the heart of the guy of said relationship always compare herself to the girlfriend. ALWAYS. This motivates them and they seem to find justification from this. Afterward, when they achieve the relationship, they do not want to hear a word about any other girl that came before them. Well, you spent a great deal of time comparing yourself to the girl, why can't he get a say in what you might have been deluding yourself over? Even girls who don't sabotage relationships compare themselves to old girlfriends. They find faults or analyze the reasons for the end of those relationships and then compare those traits to herself in some self-esteem-boosting bit of "I was better than that whore" fun. And then the guy brings up something that he wishes you could do, because the last girl was just like this. And you freak out. You've been comparing yourself to the list all along and once someone else starts, it's now unacceptable?

I'm no saint. I'm a hypocrite is lots of places. I know I don't really do any of the double standards listed here, but I know I'm just as big a hypocrite as the next person. I know how to dress modestly, but still look rather good, I know how to have conversations with strange people in public places, I know how to not freak out on a guy simply because he's equalizing the relationship. People who don't know how to do these things bother me. I suppose there are people out there who can't stand bad qualities I have, and that's because they don't have these qualities and they think people who don't understand are idiotic, but that's not my point. Sure, some girls really are lacking intellectually. Statistically, that is true. Sure, there are some of them that are so feminist they make no sense in their demand for "equality." And those people are just completely extreme. But the point here is, we are all hypocrites because we don't realize what we are doing and try for the "best of both worlds."

Facebook: The Double Edged Sword

2010-03-27T22:34:00.003-07:00

Facebook is great. I can post silly things about what's going on in my life and very little people will actually care because they just pass it over and probably wonder why they are friends with me. "Oh right, she's that weird chick from high school who had no friends until like senior year." I've made bold claims on Facebook: I've insulted particular religions, I've cemented friendships and enemies, and I've freaked some of my friends out. I can't make bold claims about my sex life, however, simply because my mom is my friend on Facebook and eventually, it will get to her that I really like sex. Or that certain things would be better with some sex. I can't make bold claims about my sex life because someone will bitch about how I'm a huge whore or something and there goes half of my social life. Someone will want to take that opportunity to bring up a grudge they've been keeping or something and I will have to try to make new friends on top of all that will happen. I can post some pretty ludicrous things and I can make claims that no one will understand, but when it comes down to it, I'm censored. This bothers me.

The only reason I wrote this blog post was because I wanted to say "Earth Hour would have been completely easy (and so much better) if it was a straight hour of sex; too bad it wasn't this year." Yeah, can't really say that on Facebook.

I Don't Game

2010-02-10T12:17:00.002-07:00

Recently, I've started playing Starcraft again. Not even like the newest one is coming out and I would love to catch the story, but this game is like 10 years old and I totally remember watching people play this when I was a little girl. The surprising thing is, this is like the third time I've ever tried really getting into it and this time, it's working. Like all the other times, it was because everyone else was doing it. This time is because I seriously think the game is pretty fun.

I've realized that I'm getting used to doing everything on a touch pad. I deeply dislike using mice and if I have to (read: Desktop PC), I try to do as little as I can with the mouse.

This leads me to my next point: I do not play shooters ever. I think it's the combination of my inability to keep a relative calm while playing shooters and the fact that they just don't seem nearly as fun as real time strategy.

But, this all leads me to my title and probably the main topic of this post: I Don't Game. Well, I didn't use to. Well, I did and then I stopped and now I'm doing it again. I guess growing up with three brothers, I watched them game more than I gamed. Then with the advent of party games (Super Smash Brothers, Mario Party, and eventually Warcraft 3), I started to game more. It simply wasn't as fun with two people, so my brothers persuaded me to start playing some of the more easy games. Eventually, I got into the harder games too. It got to the point where I played Nintendo games (because those were mostly for kids) and massively multiplayer online roleplay games because most of them were Asian and in beta test phase and totally free. And that's how it stayed for a while until I stopped. Which very conveniently coincides with me being in this current relationship. And up until just recently, I didn't game. Up until recently, it didn't seem fun. But it is. I just never got to the point where I enjoyed gaming because it is fun; I had always enjoyed the company.

So there: I'm an on-and-off gamer.

Scarlet Bloodmoon

Purple Lightsabre

2010-01-16T10:22:00.002-07:00

So Samuel L. Jackson had a conversation with his agent on the role of Mace Windu in the Star Wars film by George Lucas. (Or I would suppose. That's how most actors get into movies right?) I imagine it went something like this:

What do you mean I don't say "muthafucking?!" What's this movie's target audience?

And why would I want the part?

What do you mean I'm the only black guy?! So I don't get to say "muthafucking" and I'm the only person keeping the movie from being another racist Hollywood film? Fuck that shit. So what's the incentive?

Okay, what's the color of my lightsabre?

No. I want it to be something fucking different. Like purple. It'd be like a dick joke.

And that's how Samuel L Jackson got to have a purple lightsabre in the Star Wars movies.

Last year

2010-01-15T21:14:00.003-07:00

Last year, I totaled the most posts in January + February. This totally had everything to do with the fact that James started his blog and said he would try to post everyday. It happened for awhile, but he just fell out after a bit. I kept up with him, because, hell, I'm a student with more time and no money. Let's see how far I can go with no one to compete with, but with so much of nothing to talk about.

I've been watching this comedy show on TV called Community. I guess the reason why most people watch it is because the "main" character is kind of attractive and Chevy Chase is in it. Tch. I watch it because Donald Glover is in it. The most recent episode featured Jack Black (who I thought worked nicely as a dysfunctional community college student), and it didn't seem as nicely done as their previous stuff. Black kind of threw off the group cohesion and left more to be desired. Also peeking their heads from the clouds of fame was Owen Wilson. Looks like Community might have gathered up enough fan base for at least another season. Woot. The real reason I caught this episode on TV yesterday rather than on Hulu like in the next week was because DC Pierson had a small part in the episode. Cool, and obviously very reminiscent of the type of geeky artist that he is.

Since I mentioned Wilson, I watched most of "Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou" recently. It was a nice, fun, quirky little piece (well, not little), that looked very independent (claymation type digital effects, eccentric subject, etc.) for the star-studded cast list: Owen Wilson, Bill Murray, and Jeff Goldblum just to name a few. Highly recommended for a few good laughs. Very "distraught artist" and very enthralling story-wise.

Since I'm discussing movies: Watched Psycho the other day. Caught about half of the original Alfred Hitchcock one and then the 1990's remake. The remake was shot to be almost identical to the original, and followed pretty much the same script. The movie was kind of slow: the girl they focus the entire exposition on was killed before any real climax. But, considering this is a 40's film, I can see it. Good suspense movie, not quite horror genre.

I've been getting more and more into rap as of late, but only if it's musically brilliant.

Anyways: Off to reading people's blogs!
Scarlet Bloodmoon

A bout of Inspiration

2010-01-08T22:46:00.002-07:00

Over the past few days, I've been sleeping in and neglecting all of my duties of "Substitute Maternal Figure" unless prompted to do so. I feel like a horrible mother with anger issues so I take them out on my kids. Maybe when I'm out of college and have a stable sleep schedule and don't stay out until like 1 AM every morning because I haven't seen James all day and that's the only time to see him, I'll be a better mother. But maybe, I'll be the mother who really tries to love her children, but just ends up having lots of sex with her husband and forgets to feed them sometimes.

Apart from sleeping in (and oh, it's glorious sleeping in), I've been reading some old blog posts of some kinda famous dude I've had the fortune to meet, chat with, and walk to his Jetta with. It's been fun, silly, and more and more, I feel like it would have been kickass to have been able to meet him while he was still just a normal person with dreams.

But somehow, I tangented from there. Or maybe it was because of the music I was listening to while reading his blog posts from six years ago. But has there been a moment where you wake up and out of the blue, you feel exactly what's going to happen to you in the future, but you brush it off or misinterpret it? Did you wake up one morning years ago and know how angry you would be today? Did you wake up one morning ages ago and know how much this girl will hurt you? Maybe, you were born with the knowledge of what was going to happen, but choosing to take the adventurous way out, decided to forget just so every moment meant something. Maybe we all innately know what to do and where it goes, but we can't access that stuff until some thick and dark-looking wall breaks down and life gets easy from there. But it's not because we've worked hard in this world, but because we somehow broke down that wall. Or maybe, did you wake up one day so long ago and realize that you'd fall so deeply in love that anything that came into your path was worth getting there and no matter where you ended, everything would be okay?

When I was little, I've always pictured my future romantically. Curled in bed with some nameless and faceless figure but feeling so safe and loved. Standing in a forest clearing next to the same nameless and faceless figure happier than I've ever been. I've never been one to write my first name with the last name of my most prominent crush. I did do that sometimes, but I always ripped those out and destroyed them. That's just not me. It's always been this nameless and faceless template of a man who I would eventually meet, fall in love with, and proceed to spend at least my youth with. I could never come up with a situation where I grew old. It must have been because I was incapable of picturing myself at 18 at the age of 8. I guess I've always been in love with the idea of immortality, because even as the world around me changed, I had all the time in the world to be what I wanted and to explore every whim in the world. When high school came around, the person was still nameless and faceless. I had to force myself to put a name to the figure, I had to force myself to impose a face to the figure. Even in any of my sexual fantasies I would entertain, it was dark, I couldn't really see who was with me. It wasn't until I was in Eindhoven laying in bed with a flare of hormones telling me I really wanted an orgasm that I found myself weaving a fantasy out of someone I already knew. Months after that, I had my first sex dream. The first guy I had intercourse with, I had never committed to memory and probably never met them: a nameless, faceless template. The next guy was the same guy I wove that fantasy out of: James. It is obvious I've moved onto a new chapter of life. Maybe this won't exactly work out like I want it to, but that's okay, because this will always be significant.

I'm about ready to move on from this place. I've been here for seven years now. My room has hardly changed from when it was first set up, and after moving through thousands of color choices for my walls, they remain the white that I've been living with for seven years. It feels like it's time for a new adventure in life. I want to live away from here for just a little while. If it doesn't work out, I'll come back. If I love being out there in the world working my ass off just to stay in a house twice the size of my room and half as comfortable, I'll stay out in the world and visit every Thanksgiving and Christmas just because that's what people do. Or maybe, this desire for adventure is simply a desire to curl in bed with James every night.

So, I just pulled out his senior picture that his mother picked out. It's a shame the photographer didn't catch any of the moments where he was actually laughing. That picture is so fake. I remember that being my first thought when I first saw the thing. My second was that if it wasn't a fake smile, it simply wasn't the ones I saw everyday. It looks like one of his "I'm quietly amused at your expense" smiles, one that I've hardly witnessed, and one that hardly ever came my direction. Or he looks boyish. He never really looks boyish unless he's pouting or talking excitedly in that boyish voice he uses when we are being silly. I remember standing behind the photographer while his mother was sitting just out of the shot. There could be papers written about the psychology of this arrangement. Her superficial presence: so close but still so far from her son. My presence completely absent from the domain of the set, but the photographer used me as the reason to smile. She tried to get him to look genuine, to look really happy. She told him to imagine me in skimpy swim apparel. We laughed. She snapped a few pictures after we stopped laughing. I remember seeing one of my English friends' senior picture she chose to purchase to hand out to people. It was a beautiful picture with her laughing. It fit her so well, it was natural and wonderfully perfect. I wonder why none of the pictures his photographer took fit him nearly as well as the picture of my friend.

It's kind of sad knowing that the only picture of just me that's any good and recent is the one I have as an icon. The one in my yearbook is decent, but the more I look at it, the more I think I look evil or condescending and mean. I'm not the camera-whore type, so I obviously don't have very many pictures where I'm by myself and not trying to capture the exact shade of color my hair is because I just finished dying it. I guess, in some desperate plea for attention or maybe someone to decide I'm pretty or artful, I want some slightly amateur photographer to snap a picture of me with some really old-style almost-black-and-white background and decide it looks artful and that I accent the background well enough for this portrait to be called artful.

On a slightly related note, I've kind of become bored with being "perfect." Maybe it's because besides telling each other we miss each other and love each other, we will do the whole "you're perfect," "no, you're perfect" thing. I realize "perfect" is the nice little umbrella that says I'm cute and soft and nice and caring and so on and so on, but it'd be nice to be reminded every now and then what you think of me, specifically. I've also developed a need for someone to tell me I'm pretty. I'd settle for "pretty," but if anyone throws out a "gorgeous" or "beautiful," I'm like the sad little stray that was finally given the smallest fraction of love and now is purring madly and trying desperately to win a warm meal tonight and a safe place to sleep.

Since I'm talking about what may be considered problems: I'm getting kind of tired of hanging around groups of males under the influence of substances. Ranging anywhere from clingy beyond belief and making me (a very physical person) sick with some form of claustrophobia and mild annoyance, to acting in such a childish way that it makes me not want kids for a good ten years yet, I'm pretty much done hanging out with these people. They're wonderful and interesting people while sober, but GOD. None of them seem to understand that there are more things in life than hitting up every single night and then staying late and eating obscene amounts of food. Probably the worst realization in my life was when my favorite gay friend openly admit that he did not like being sober or couldn't stand not getting high. Wait, are you saying every one of my friends pretty much became psychologically dependent on something I easily left? Me, the person my mother was so worried about because I apparently have an addictive personality, smokes cigarettes socially (meaning like never) but never craves one, and doesn't ever want to get high like the rest of my friends? You've got to be fucking kidding me. Yeah, I smoked marijuana in the Netherlands when I was there. Yeah, I enjoyed the feeling, I enjoyed spending the night high and carefree. I enjoyed killing that whiny goody-goody girl who arrived in Europe in July of 2008. I enjoyed stepping away from that murder scene newborn and ready for a life of living by my own rules. Metaphorically of course.

But I also grew up and decided that it'd be a waste of my life and time if I spent a good deal of it in an altered state of mind forever pushing through life without actually living it. I don't know about the rest of you, but I fantasize about being someone. A large part of this fantasy is being the coolest cat like ever and showing up everyone who's ever made me cry in my life. Ex-boyfriends come and try to make me use them as advertising advisers or hire them or whatever they might be qualified to do and all I tell them is how I don't need them. I show them how cool my company thing is and they walk away like a sad kid who found out the candy store was just closed forever. Another very important part is the part where I have the coolest custom house ever and I could seriously spend every night of the week in a different bedroom without overlapping or reusing bedrooms. Half of them would never be used unless I had a whole ton of guests over for some sleep-over event, but hey, I have a whole shit ton of rooms in this really cool house I can afford because I worked towards not only a goal that makes me money, but I love my job and I love doing the things I do and helping the people I help. So I guess, in some twisted way, fantasy is my anti-drug and the scary DARE adviser of this metaphor is that I really want to be someone.

Late

2010-01-05T20:07:00.004-07:00

I know I'm late, like super late, but I'll start a post in the middle of class or something, and then the professor would talk about something super interesting or something that will be on the test and I have to pay attention. Then, I will forget completely about the poor post I've written and then leave.

There's a lot of stuff that has happened. I'm now 19. It's weird because someone asked yesterday and I automatically responded with 18. Nope! I'm not 18 anymore. Um...But let's start at like "the beginning."

I have no idea where I left off, but the really cool thing that happened to me back in November was going to see Mystery Team three times while it was here. Mystery Team is the first full-length feature film from the group Derrick Comedy and it was beyond wonderful. On the second showing I caught, a group of friends and I got the chance to hang out for a bit with one of the co-writers/actors, DC Pierson. He was a really genuine guy with great comedy skills. Like, when you meet famous people, the stereotype or expectation is to find that they are jerks or that they are really not the type of people you'd think they are. Nope. This guy was as funny in real life as he is in all of the Derrick Comedy stuff, and just as funny as we all thought he would be. I've recently gone through some of his older writing, like stuff from 2003 in blog posts, and it's a goldmine of wonderful things. He grew up in the Phoenix Metropolitan and had attended ASU, so all of this stuff that I've been reading has been more relate-able than some random famous dude that I'm slightly cyber-stalking.

Our favorite gay friend came back from Vermont in December. That was super exciting. We hung out like we always did, joked about and discussed sexuality, sex, and teenage things in general. The running joke is that we all have sex with this gay friend of ours, except for Princess who is completely afraid of homosexuality. He pretty much spent a good solid month back with us and we were deeply sorry to see him have to leave. He has the best menagerie of people for his get-togethers.

I got sick the day after my birthday. Like fever and OMG I'M GOING TO THROW UP ON YOUR FACE sick. This pretty much stayed with me for two days. Ugh. Missed some dinner and lunch invitations that sounded pretty interesting.

BUT: for Christmas/winter holiday I have no obligation to celebrate, James and I pretty much got each other the same thing. We both gave each other a new wallet since we both needed to switch out our old ones for new ones anyways.

On the 27th, my family packed into our '98 Sienna to drive to Vegas. This took us a good 8 hours maybe, because my family likes to take their time and mozy. And Hoover Dam traffic was horrible and we were stuck there for like two hours. We checked into the Stratosphere, which is a nice place to stay, and grabbed dinner at the buffet there. Meats were kind of dry and food kind of bland, but none of us where terribly hungry or picky. I got my own bed on a trip for pretty much the first time I can remember (with family). The next day, we went to the Chinatown for some breakfast before getting ready to go to a wedding. It was a nice wedding. The place was very nice and elegant, nice open bar, great snack foods, nummy cake. Throughout the entire wedding, the only memory I could remember of the groom was going to visit their family when I was like 9 for Christmas-ish and spending time playing with them. And I couldn't help but remember how I have this slightly recurring crush on his brother. But anyways: I caught the bouquet, but only because it fell to the floor and no one seemed to want it. Okay. Banquet was a really elaborate Chinese feast. It was epic and enormous and holy shit, there was so much food. That was Vegas: not nearly as dramatic as my last Vegas experience, and not nearly as scandalous.

I finally got to pass the year with James. Last year, I was off in Flagstaff while he was still down in the Valley. This year, we went over to our beloved gay friend's place and it was the three of us and his dad counting down. Great fun, slept over for the night, and got to cuddle with James in what feels like forever.

Now, all the other kiddies, except Jeremy, are in school, and I pretty much have the house to myself. James is now a salesman for fancy cutlery and is in Scottsdale for that bit. I have yet to get a job, but I might as well be a collector of financial aid/scholarships that I'm eligible for as employment. I mentioned moving out today to my father and he pretty much said that is was a stupid idea and that I would be able to live a more luxurious life living at home. Well, but I think it'd be nice to live not at home. Maybe try this out for a little and know just how much you need me and how much I need you. I'm thinking of applying to the Honors College, but the application process leads me to think that it's too late as a Lower Division student and I'll have to wait for Upper Division student-status. That's fine: I don't need your fancy Honors degree. I'll just wait for it.

Now, for something completely unrelated:

A couple of days ago, I had this really weird dream where I was pretty much flirting with this Asian guy I've probably never seen in my life. I woke up and while pondering this dream, realized that most of the guys I've had crushes on in my life were Asian (at least the recurring/hardcore ones where they last more than a few months), but I've only ended up mostly dating Caucasian guys. Weird. It kind of makes me wonder why I'm weird like that.

-Realizing How Great I've Got It
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Why Did I Turn My Back on Music?

2009-12-07T11:14:00.002-07:00

Three years ago, I stopped playing the violin on a regular basis. Shortly after that, the fingerboard collapsed. Even if I wanted to pull out my beautiful instrument, I can't play it. Last year, I brought home a cello. I played it a little, but I never got into it. I've stopped playing music. The only amount I do now is watch my 9 year old brother play the piano and show him how to play the new songs. I've learned how to sight read very well over these seven years, but I can't play anymore. Five years ago, I thought having an electric violin would be the coolest thing ever. I loved how they defied the conventional shape to produce the full sound. They just looked really cool.

I guess, in a way, I've never really separated myself from music, I just kind of stopped making it. It kind of depresses me now that I've stopped playing the violin. It would be great if I could go back to playing it.

Last night, I went to the Trans Siberian Orchestra concert. I guess they kind of do symphonic rock and medley lots of classical and typically orchestral pieces with guitars, electric bass, and drums. It was a fun show: the music was wonderful, but the Christmas-y part was a little too much. They opened with a piece that eventually segued into Farandole and it made me realize just how much I miss being able to play for fun.

Maybe I got too busy to play my violin after awhile. I was doing so many things, trying to find myself, define the world, and exist that I didn't have the time to learn to love the way 440 Hertz felt as the vibrations brushed across my skin. Maybe it's that I resigned myself to being not that great for so long that I forced myself into the perpetual bit of doubt. Maybe I had never truly appreciated the timbre of a violin and it was only after I found myself so excited to hear a song intro in violin that I realized this. It's such a distinct sound with so many faces and emotions. I miss it.

-Promoting Music in all the Weird Places

Scarlet Bloodmoon

Hi, Uh, You're Retarded. Here's Why:

2009-10-27T15:39:00.002-07:00

So today, these people on campus were petitioning to get a few anatomy and biology experiments to switch from real animals to computer simulations or videos.

Firstly, videos!?! I will learn so much better now that I'm watching some guy I can't even ask questions to about the little rabbit I'm cutting open so I can stick electrodes into. SO MUCH BETTER. I will know exactly how the tissue resists the knife and how hard I have to pull. I can then later apply this experience from watching someone I don't even know cut open something to the first patient I have to operate on. That patient will surely have the best surgery in the world and will later thank me for completely saving his life. Seriously? A video?

Secondly, a computer simulation?!? You hand any college student a computer program with catchy graphics and the ability to cut things open, and they will liken this experience to playing XBOX with friends. This becomes a video game. There is no respect for video games! I totally want a doctor cutting me open after learning anatomy through a video game. This doctor will be "trigger happy" and cut just a little too much and a little too deeply, but it doesn't matter! I'm not a real person because the computer simulation has conditioned the doctor to be completely okay with it and treat it like a game. Yeah, he will be the best doctor ever and I will thank him for the best surgery performed on the face of the earth and he will cure cancer because of how awesome his surgery skills are. IT WILL BE AWESOME. Seriously? A video game?

Thirdly, Mrs. Jahr, my Biology teacher back as a freshman in high school made us write out a contract to respect the dead fetal pigs we were dissecting. She talked for two days before the dissection about how we have to respect the pigs and that everything we did was for knowledge and if we mutilated the pigs in anyway, we were in so much trouble. Yeah. Our group really wanted to see the brain. We dug it out. It was squishy and did not survive coming out of the skull. But we respected that pig more than it would have been respected if the mother pig had not been butchered so that someone might have some bacon. It was so respected that even without being born, it lived a fuller life than its mother.

That is the kind of doctor I want performing surgery on me. I want the doctor to have gone through enough work with dead or living organisms to the point where anything put on the operating table is treated with more respect than one would normally treat their family.

Now back to my story:
So these people were trying to collect signatures to support PETA's complaint against the "unethical" treatment of these rabbits. The school paper today had an opinion article on this topic. The guy who wrote it had really looked into this topic and made known that there is an entire branch at ASU for research on the ethical treatment of research animals. Anyone handling animals in research are required to submit a lot of paperwork, to go through training on proper handling, and any experiments on animals are sent to a board of faculty and community members for consideration. If there is a more humane and equally effect alternative, the experimentation is denied. This is for every experiment. Obviously, if there were something as effective and more humane, we'd be using it already.

But these people would go to tables where students were eating lunch and ask if they wanted to sign a petition to stop experiments from cutting open bunnies (cute bunnies!) and sticking electrodes into their heart while they were still alive. All the girls would sign immediately thinking they were super special and saved some really cute cotton-tailed bunnies. Major pathos going on. The guy got over to my table. I am fairly immoral. I don't care about the bunnies. I don't care how cute they are. His ethos approach did not get to me. Well, the school would be saving money on it. I think this is a necessary experience any medical expert needs. He talked about necessary as implanting pacemakers or something that would better human life. I still thought this was essential to becoming a qualified practitioner. He left, moving on to easier signatures.

Firstly, these butchered bunnies are under heavy anesthetic. They feel nothing, are in no pain or distress, and pretty much show no sign of life until you get under the skin. They are not asleep; not really. They are completely unaware.

Secondly, bunnies and all mammals are fairly similar. Our bone structure is made of the same bones, of mostly the same shape. Our circulatory system would also be similar.

Thirdly, I'm paying a lab fee for my BIO 188 lab. This covers the frogs that we will be dissecting soon. I'm sure the anatomy students pay a lab fee to cover the rabbits. This cost, in no way, affects the tuition of other students.

So anyways, this entire thing has made me realize just how much I hate people like this. I don't want to fall into the moral standards you all set for me. I like being who I am, immoral and all. I like having no need to stop and wonder if I can live with myself after something. I love who I am. I love all the mistakes I make, all the shit I fuck up, and all the experiences I've had: good or bad. I'm grateful for all the lessons I've learned and all the people it took to teach them to me.

I'm inherently selfish. I was talking to myself this morning and somehow got to talking about being faithful. I told myself I wasn't worried about it. Why? Well, we're satisfied with our current setup, and I fucked up once, so he can fuck up once. Somehow, this all led to telling myself I'm just not worried about it because it's probably not going to happen. I couldn't decide why I knew that, but I guess it's an arrogant and selfish thing to think. Well, it's just a part of the complex mechanism that is me.

-Forever Me
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Thirteen

2009-10-02T09:36:00.002-07:00

College is easy. I've been doing well on the exams, meeting some new people, hanging with some old people, all that good stuff. There really isn't much to talk about, which I guess is why I haven't posted since last month, but yeah. I wrote a 5 page paper on abstinence-only education being inadequate. Did you know that the federal funding for this fiscal year does not include any for abstinence education? That being said, we are finally not wasting any money on teaching kids crap and lies about their bodies. Yay! Yeah...

Bought a pack of the new Trojan condoms. Haven't tried them. Eh. They look weird on the box. Tip is like super=-inflated. Yeah.

Started hardcore monitoring my Basal Body Temperature. My mom told me she wasn't able to keep up taking her temperature every morning. I win. A few weeks later, this lady on the campus advocating Natural Family Planning congratulated me on not taking hormone pills. Too bad she had hardcore Catholic literature about how BC pills are evil. Gross.

Um, I had a dream a little bit ago that pretty much made me laugh when I woke up. One of my exes had told me they still loved me. I almost reflexively said "I love you too," but I paused like halfway through and stopped. Instead, I said "I don't love you" or something along those lines. It felt very therapeutic when I woke up. Like, I'm glad my dreams finally agree with the rest of my consciousness.

We are learning about drugs in Psychology right now. It's kind of silly. That's pretty much it for what I've been doing...

-Pain in the Form of Healing
Scarlet Bloodmoon

P.S. - Tried the condoms. That time, I was super easy. It might be the condoms, or it might have just been that time. No idea. It didn't look as weird on a penis as it did on the box, so that's a plus.

Echo

2009-09-06T21:37:00.001-07:00

So August has been fun. James and I had our one year anniversary: he got me a rose (the only boyfriend ever to give me flowers. The only other people have been Bella, and my friend Antonio. He's gay) and then we drove around doing things. We had lunch at IKEA and it was delicious. It was also super packed...We then went over to his house, watched Wall-E, had dinner while watching Cloverfield, and acted cute the entire time. It was super fun and I was extremely happy. I couldn't wait to be able to spend every day for the rest of our lives together. We'd be so incredibly in love and we'd do cute and sappy things like curl on the sofa and watch children's movies for hours, or something...This was also the day that he saw me cry...Which was interesting as I hardly ever let other people see me cry...or that I've never needed to cry when he's around. We also realized that we've never really gotten into a fight. Like, we've never had a real problem with anything the other person is doing, and if we did, the other person either took the discussion to heart, or there was a reasonable chat over it. Maybe next year, we'll have a real fight.

And then college started. That is going well. It's easier than I thought...I was so ready to be fully immersed in stuff to do, but really, I have no homework outside of class yet, and it's all so boring! I do meet up with a few friends on campus, get lunch and such, talk, chat, plot and plan...but in the long run, if this doesn't pick up, I will be deeply disappointed.

I got a new Blackberry Curve...well, not new, but it's new to me! That's super exciting. I have the phone I originally wanted! But I had to pay for it...cheap ass parents...

I went to Prescott for a weekend for the Engineering school I am apart of. A lot of the kids were from out of state, and so it was a really cool experience talking to all of these people and getting to know these people who willing came into a state of unbearable weather, and beyond poor education. There were some really cool people, some really cool people in my major, and some really cool people that I will probably see later down the road and rarely talk to, but that's okay! It was just a fun little thing and everything was stress-free and fun.

During the weekend on Prescott, it was the one-year-mark for when James and I started having sex. Not that it's really a big deal or whatever, but I do numbers...and I remember dates. I forgot it while I was in Prescott and only remembered now, if that means anything. I came back the next day, and we had some nummy and fairly hasty sex pretty much in the same place we did a year ago. Ha, we're silly. But this time, it was a different experience altogether. The ending was immensely different, it was not awkward, there was so much emotion and connection throughout the entire thing that it kind of became the perfect way to usher in a new year. Last year had a milestone. It was kind of weird and I got an email afterward, apologizing for it. This year started off worlds different. It's like the perfect representation of the growth our relationship has gone through.

Wow...that was super BS. I'm sorry I'm a girl and can pull this sort of analysis stuff out of nowhere. But um...That's pretty much it for the month of August. September sounds like a charm, and I can't wait for #13!

-Screw Unlucky! I Make My Own Luck
Scarlet Bloodmoon

PS - You know how James and I were "Single" according to Facebook, it was all a lie. Seriously. I got bored and wanted to stage a mind-fuck.

We're All Fucked Up

2009-08-24T22:39:00.003-07:00

So Daniel tried to kill himself tonight. It was around 8:30 pm and he had taped the cracks on the door and tried to poison himself with carbon monoxide. After a huge bout of being shellshocked, finding ample distraction in small things, I stopped crying. James came over for a little, provided comfort and light-heartedness where he could, and my dad had started hardcore yelling by the time he left. Apparently, Dad had started hitting Daniel at that time too. My mom yelled some, watched them closely, but eventually went to bed when things cooled down a tick.

After this entire thing, I'm more and more sure that Daniel might be clinically depressed. He's always had a darker sense of humor, and always wrote darker things, and got really into Existentialism for a bit. He had said that everything was boring and empty and he has a huge dependency on gaming, which I guess is really the only thing he has that makes him happy. Now, my dad is currently belittling the fact that he may need help, and if I were clinically depressed, the entire thing could seriously make me try again.

The thing with my dad is, he thinks this is a normal family. Tch. As if. Jeremy is currently heavily dependent on nicotine, tries to get marijuana when/wherever possible, and definitely needs to straighten out. Daniel just tried to fucking kill himself. I am so sick and tired of his bullshit and overriding arrogance that I can't wait to leave. He seriously believes that everyone should be exactly like him and that everything is about him. If he is unhappy, he pinpoints a problem and just picks at it. He resorts to physical violence sometimes, berates, and humiliates. He just lashes out. I no longer tell him anything because it's no use. It doesn't matter that there is no way to make his wishes work, it has to be done his way. It doesn't matter what my motivations are behind my actions. It doesn't matter that this is my way of dealing with things. If it isn't agreeable to his options, they are wrong. No matter what.

My dad constantly wants us to be "a normal family." He pretends that we are. What other normal family has one figure antagonize everyone and drives a wedge between everyone? What other normal family pretty much all-but-disowns a child and "ignores" everything he does? What other normal family works like ours? What other normal family has everyone hating on one person just because that one person is so obscenely selfish and stubborn and power-hungry? He seeks to control everything because he is afraid of losing everything. He is so caught up in this that he doesn't realize that he pretty much already has. Of course, I'm wrong to go out on weekends but he goes out and shoots every weekend and is gone for most of the day. I'm wrong for my actions but he can do whatever he wants simply because none of us are in the financial position to do anything about it.

This is definitely a learning experience. I've learned to shut up and take it. I've learned to take belittlement and still walk away with all of my dignity, self-worth, and self-confidence in tact. I've learned how to deal with people like this and to stick it out for as long as possible. I've also learned that I don't want to deal with this shit any longer.

So I've been bottling everything, and I guess the earthquake of today shattered everything. I am so emotionally unstable right now. I guess that is completely my fault for storing this stuff for so long. At least it doesn't really hurt more than it did originally...but I got all of the really old stuff out awhile ago dealing with relationships, hormones, sappy movies, and other pointless shit. It feels good to cry, but I always get snotty and I hate how I look when I cry. I definitely think I look completely less attractive with red puffy eyes and a super runny nose. I totally feel better though.

At least I know how not to raise kids.

-Yay Family Problems...
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Asphyxiation

2009-08-13T20:59:00.002-07:00

This is kind of late for the month of August, but that's okay, I think. There really isn't much to go over, and my dates kind of mix together because I have no real structure at the time being to reference days off of. I spend a lot of time on the internet reading web comics and have come up-to-date with probably four new ones this month. I have made two orders of sex toys and accessories, and frankly, the first order I received weren't so fun. That's okay.

I went shooting a little bit ago. James was off in California with his dad and so I decided I might as well wake up at 4 in the morning to try to hunt for bunny rabbits. Shot none, saw five, and did some target shooting. I'm not that good, but also not that terrible. It was entertaining, but not exactly my thing.

School starts in like 10 days, and I'm kind of mixed up about that one. I know I will graduate with debt, and it's completely my fault for that. I know I will have to grow up, and I don't want to. It's scary, but at the same time, I'm excited. Bring on this next challenge; I will make it my bitch. I'm just excited for this change, this freedom, and this autonomy. Maybe I should get some extra income and move out of this house?! I don't know, something will happen, it will be big, and when it does come, I will be there, laughing into its face.

This month's mile stone will make it the anniversary. The "real" one, the 1-year one. Not like the 2-month-versary or whatever girls like to celebrate...This is it. In fact, this is like the first real mile stone I've established in a relationship. That's Sunday.

This, is also my 100th post, which is fairly exciting. It only took my pretty much a year and a half to accomplish. Maybe, I should come up with 100 new things about me? Or maybe 100 things I want to do before I die. I like that one better.

So here's to more fun things looming in the future.

-Cursed into silence, yet only a mockery
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Nice Guys finish last...or maybe First?

2009-07-28T23:05:00.003-07:00

So I guess, we've all grown up with those online lists of how the "nice guys" promise to love and pamper girls. Those always complain about how girls are always after jerks and whine about how all girls will cry to them when their hearts are broken. Well, yeah...

Let's have a little bit of biology and the psychology of human attraction. So, our bodies release pheromones when we are most fertile. For males, this is pretty much always once they've hit maturity and it stops eventually when they are no longer in their "golden years" of sexual peak. This is because males always produce sperm and so are always fertile. This being said, I personally (completely and totally) believe that the more testosterone a male has, the more fertile they will be. However, I have never officially cross-referenced my belief with actual science, so it is just a belief. It makes sense, the more male hormone a guy has, the more male he will be and the more likely he will impregnate a female. So, these high-testosterone and manly guys are always super fertile and so they must have strong pheromones. High testosterone also makes them jerks. They are aggressive, super fertile, and super likely to pick up another girl just to further his chances of dominating the gene pool. This is why societies work best when there are more females to males and why monogamy is something that has to be worked for, or at least conditioned. That being said, females are super into the high pheromones, which makes all chicks dig jerks. This is because of biology. There is no other way.

We would all love to date a guy who will wait in the dressing room for us and tell us we aren't fat and not take advantage of us while we are drunk. That is a very lovely quality in human beings, but while we are young and fertile, we want someone who reeks of male pheromone and can answer our biological clocks. Often, women achieve this by dating the "nice guys" and then going off and having outside relations with jerks. They have the perfect father figure at home while getting the best chance of baby-making. Sometimes, there are those jerks who are conditioned from an early age to respect females and to be required to really try and romance them. Sometimes, women are lucky enough to find and be able to date one of these men. Yours truly is one of these lucky women.

So, I think this is the tl;dr version of this lesson: if you are one of the "nice guys," there is a great chance you are just too much of a pussy for girls to date.

Anyways, summer has been slightly uneventful. Stayed at home for the rest of summer after going to Taiwan. The most hilarious thing is, my dad is now trying to get me out of the house on extended trips while my mom is trying to keep me here for as much as possible so that I don't have sex with people and end up pregnant and useless. I don't know who will eventually give up: my dad after he realizes I want to go out to somewhere potentially unsafe and I have no female friends who would accompany me, or my mom when she realizes my dad really wants me out of the house so that he could save on the energy bill.

That, and I've been having the greatest craving for artfully prepared beef...

-Wasting Away
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Karma

2009-07-13T00:43:00.003-07:00

New month, one month from last post.

Okay, this one is a little bit more about my sexuality and level of sexual activity. General disclaimer.

So I got back from Taiwan, it was great, solid week of hedonism. Like, at least once every day for seven days. At the end, Plan B. First time I've ever taken synthetic hormones intentionally, and definitely something I didn't dread or feel weird about like I thought I might about a year ago. Maybe it was the person, or the fact that it might have been I was really fertile this time. Definitely learned some lessons, and when the progesterone wears off, I'm for sure going onto watch.

I guess this sounds a tad vague...

Okay. Run down of the reproductive stuff I was talking about:

Firstly, every girl has cycles. It's like a rollercoaster that hardly changes. Sometimes, there are unexpected failures and riders are stuck in the middle for like an hour, but it hardly happens. Typically, the first day of the cycle is counted as the first day of a girl's period. The published average is 28 days per cycle, but that's totally off for most people. About half-way into the cycle, the girl is the most fertile during that cycle. This is a five day window and unprotected sex is going to lead to pregnancy in most cases. It depends on the girl, and there are many ways to tell without having to buy fertility tests. The period before that window, and after the window are safe days for unprotected without any reproduction. (As a side note, sperm can probably last about 3 days if conditions are slightly fertile. 5 is the safe number to work for, but it's sacrificing two days of clumsy teenage trying. The fertile egg window is about a day, so the window is three or four days before ovulation and the day after. For getting pregnant, if the couple is willing, sex all five days will definitely increase those chances.)

Some ways to tell about fertility are the Basal Body Temperature method where waking body temperatures are charted each morning and compared to show when ovulation has occured. The highest temperature recorded in a cycle is when the female is most fertile. This method only works to identify fertility after it has past, so it is often used to prevent pregnancy. Another method would be to observe cervical fluid. This fluid is different from arousal fluid in many ways. It is produced from the cervix and often is the main liquid transport system for sperm in the vagina. The fluid will vary in consistancy, color, and taste and by identifying the fluid, it can help in monitoring fertility. At a woman's most fertile time, the fluid is clear, almost tasteless, and as the consistancy of egg whites. It is really thick, stretchy. In a woman's most unfertile times, she will be dry, or have a crumbly, yellow or milky fluid that usually tastes sour. The last common way to monitor fertility is by the positioning of the cervix.

Birth control and hormones are ways to regulate the reproductive system artificially. By using birth control that contains hormones, the body's natural hormones are overridden and the synthetic hormones regulate the body's cycle. Commercial birth control usually use a 28 day cycle and give the girl a week of placebos that allow the uterine lining to shed and she will experience a "period" without shedding a fertilized egg. Most commercial birth control pills, if not all, are doses of progesterone, estrogen, or both and prevent the body from fertilizing eggs and releasing them. Emergency contraceptives are larger doses of birth control pills and often cause some or all of the following: it stops the body from fertilizing an egg, or thins the uterine lining and prevents the fertilized embryo from attaching to the uterus wall.

Back to story:

So that was pretty much it. We've been using barrier contraceptives more and more often (read every time now) (and by barrier contraceptives, I mean male condoms). It's a lot cleaner (no run-off down my leg), and a lot easier to pack up. Ooh! So the other day, I had my first bout of sex while under the influence. It was interesting: we were both super difficult. It took ME forever to get to any semblance of release myself. Yeah, that's pretty much the run-down of my sex life...Just this is it times maybe 5 on my side of the computer screen.

-Breathless
Scarlet Bloodmoon

15 hours

2009-06-11T05:36:00.002-07:00

It's kind of boring being on the computer when I'm fifteen hours ahead of everyone else I would talk to. Facebook is incredibly slow at night because it is 5 in the morning and everyone has just fallen asleep. The people I would want to talk to are also in bed, and there is nothing to do because everything is just as it was when I refresh things. So when I'm doing things in the day, it'd be the optimal time to talk to people. Late at night, the people I don't talk to are seeded out due to the late hour, and the people I'm fine with talking to are still up. Things are still buzzing on the internets I monitor. When I come home, no one is awake. Nothing is happening. The waters are silent.

My trip has been great. I've been super emotional, seen people I can hardly remember and those I remember clearly. I've heard so many stories and flipped through so many memories...We haven't gone anywhere dreadfully exciting, nor have I seen anything so shocking I am now scarred for life. Everything is just...normal but different.

I am becoming more girly. Maybe it's because I'm further away, or because I'm becoming a newer person, or something entirely else, but my aunt has said I'm becoming more of a Taiwanese girl. My style is slowly fading into that of those around me. I've fully realized I am an adult. We were out for dinner one night with family and family's family. This little girl of maybe 5 from the extended family was playing around the front of the restaurant with her brother of like 1.5 after the meal and I was sent to watch them because I was falling asleep anyways. She called my the equivalent of miss that most would use for adults. Like, she didn't call me Sister like every teen girl introduces themselves as, but Miss. I hesitated a bit in my mind. Wait...do I qualify to be called Miss? When did this happen? Is that the correct term? Holy fuck.

Also, it would seem everyone is out to marry me off. It started when we went to my great aunt's. She had asked how old I was and after hearing the response, said that I should be marrying soon. Then, we went to the Air Force Academy where my aunt's sister-in-law tries to match me with her Australian step son and says that Australian guys are very good at listening to what their women want and are very interested in Asian girls. Mental chuckle. After that, about half a week later, we go to this ancient temple that has been there about 400 years and we pass by the shrine the the minor deity responsible for marriage and all of the stuff before that. My mom urges me to go and pray and take the steps required for such. Wait...No! I don't want to be married yet, and I definitely don't want to be set up with a 26 year old engineer in Australia that I've never spoken to...

People...

So pretty much, while I have been here, it's been a lot of talking to people, going out to eat, walking to places, using the public transportation system, and sightseeing. I'm just really glad I've gotten this opportunity to come back and see these people; especially since the last time I came back was for one of my uncles' wedding and that was twelve years ago! Fun stuff.

-Someone should talk to me...
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Technology Blurb

2009-05-29T16:30:00.002-07:00

So, the integration of technology has become impressive. People now can sms blog posts straight to their websites. No longer do people have to be on a laptop or computer to connect to people around the world. How cool is that?

Surrender

2009-05-07T17:02:00.002-07:00

AP testing has been a huge bitch. It's totally my fault that I'm taking so many, but I've missed so many classes that I will end up having to make it up. Gross.

So, most people agree that this poem is now one of their favorites:

To an Inconstant One
Sir Robert Ayton

I LOVED thee once; I'll love no more--
Thine be the grief as is the blame;
Thou art not what thou wast before,
What reason I should be the same?
He that can love unloved again,
Hath better store of love than brain:
God send me love my debts to pay,
While unthrifts fool their love away!

Nothing could have my love o'erthrown
If thou hadst still continued mine;
Yea, if thou hadst remain'd thy own,
I might perchance have yet been thine.
But thou thy freedom didst recall
That it thou might elsewhere enthral:
And then how could I but disdain
A captive's captive to remain?

When new desires had conquer'd thee
And changed the object of thy will,
It had been lethargy in me,
Not constancy, to love thee still.
Yea, it had been a sin to go
And prostitute affection so:
Since we are taught no prayers to say
To such as must to others pray.

Yet do thou glory in thy choice--
Thy choice of his good fortune boast;
I'll neither grieve nor yet rejoice
To see him gain what I have lost:
The height of my disdain shall be
To laugh at him, to blush for thee;
To love thee still, but go no more
A-begging at a beggar's door.

I have more and more evidence to suggest that this girl is really bad at relationships. It was first brought up Junior year that the relationship she was in was empty and just surface and I had been warned to keep my relationship not like that one. She later excitedly told people the day before Valentine's Day that she was single. Today, I had someone confirm that she is uber flirty and nothing she really does actually reflects how she feels at all. All of her guy friends at one point or another take interest in her. It is never real for her.

This little bit made me happy. I may be really picky and still flirt with strangers, but I at least go through steps and tests to determine candidacy. She doesn't do that, she just plays. How very...Karma.

-I still need to make a new password...
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Burnt

2009-04-28T20:46:00.000-07:00

4/26/09

So, like two or three weeks ago, I finally gave up. Like, seriously, gave up on school. So, pretty much, slacked off on homework, started not paying as much attention in classes to the point where like three classes actually still matter to me. And so, I've spent the past two or three weeks doing things.

In other news, my phone epic died and I'm supposed to be getting a new one soon ish.

4/28/09

I am so done with school....I can't wait to be out of here...I can't wait to move out. That would be pretty silly to see people actually doing stuff for once. I am absolutely done with being the person that makes everything work. Good luck keeping order in a house of four males and five people total!

I can't wait to be done here. Like, I can seriously do the whole living away from home, but housing is expensive! I don't even really have enough right now to do tuition! Fucking economy...

Oh, so I'm going to Mormon prom. It will be interesting. Maybe I should try to find something where they won't ban me at the door for wearing...But it's not my fault I'm comfortable in my own skin! Everyone else just has to be jealous and self-conscious, and religion just has to kill any sex drive because that frustration motivates people. Fuck that.

-Neh, done
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Closer

2009-04-19T21:00:00.000-07:00

Bleh. So I guess, all this week, the most interesting thing that happened was...Monday. Senior ditch day, went to my first three classes and then went home. That was great fun. James came home with me, we had some lunch, watched some TV before ice cream of the nonfrozen persuasion and then taking a nap. We woke up after like three hours on the couch, significantly more sweaty than when we fell asleep. We went back to school, got his car, and then drove down to Downtown Chandler to get new tires for my car. Like four hours later, I get home, go pick up my car from the auto shop, and then come home to do some stuff on the internet.

So, today is the 19th. A year ago, lots of things happened. I got kicked out of my house, walked to Bari's, saw Sweeny Todd with her family, went out to dinner with her family, and then went to a friend's birthday party. Anyways, you can go back a year to that post.

Went swimming today. I should really do my homework...

-Neh
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Prom

2009-04-12T17:43:00.004-07:00

I guess it all started way back in March. It was like...a week before the 20th or something, I don't remember, but I drove down to My Sister's Closet and picked out a dress. One shop, one dress to try on, and that was it. I didn't go to five thousand different stores and I didn't try on dress after dress. I do that stuff for fun, not dress shopping. So I spent less than 40 dollars on my dress, and it took me half an hour of debating whether or not I want to spend like 37 dollars on a dress. I'd like to see a girl beat that figure.

That same day, I picked out James' birthday present. I went to two stores for that one.

Then, pretty much three weeks later, I started considering things. Like hardcore considering. Things to match with, hairstyle, makeup...and for a week, I considered and "researched" and then for two days tried and played with. The day before Prom, everything was figured out. I bought a curling iron, and played with it. I probably did my hair three times in those two days before I left my house in my dress. I will be super generous and say it took me about 24 hours cumulatively to get ready.

Dinner was super fun. We went to the Indian place down in Tempe and spent fifteen dollars on the meal. It was super filling too. And then we got ice cream for $2.14. We got there, went in, met up with some people, looked/waiting for some people, danced, and just had a lot of fun. Not as destructive as last year though...and it looked like there were considerably less teachers in the main room than there were last year. Gamal got Prom King and Amanda got Queen. Not bad. They Rick Rolled everyone on the way out. It was ridiculous.

After that, we went to Denny's (and by "we," that would be James and me) and we had a small snack. And then we went "home" and went to bed.

So all in all, Prom cost us:

80 (tux rental)
70 (tickets)
40 (dress)
33 (food and drink)
10 (gas)
5 (corsage and boutineer material)
((And some other stuff that we had thought of, but I can't recall...but that was about 50))

for a total of 295 dollars...somehow.

Take that everyone else. Our Prom cost us about as much as a really pricey dress, which I'm sure some girl went out and bought.

-Fuck Yeah
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Really? 237? Wow

2009-04-05T16:02:00.002-07:00

I got bored last night, while I should be sleeping, and started counting. I count things for fun. Normally how many days have past since significant dates or events, and other silly stuff like that. So, I started thinking about how James has joked about going just enough to officially be my longest relationship and then end it. Well, so I counted. My longest relationship lasted 237 days and this one is at 231. So, officially, Saturday April 11, 2009 James will have won. That is also the day of Prom.

Today is Daniel's birthday. I woke up to my alarm at 7:30. For a brief moment, I wondered why I was getting up. Oh. AP Chem study session. I genuinely enjoy Dr. Kelvin and AP Chem, so I drag myself out of bed, get ready, listen to this interview on the radio for a bit and then leave. Around 1, I get back home, after weaving around Val Vista/Lindsey and Riggs. I really didn't want to come home, and really, I had till 3. So, I get home, get to my room, become frustrated with having nothing to do and go back to bed.

OH! that reminds me of this weird dream I had. So, the world was being taken over by aliens. Yes. It started off with this asteroid hitting earth and soon, alien space ships start arriving. Um...so basically I was running around with one of the robotics mentors, trying not to be overpowered by the aliens, which I guess are shapeless or generically shaped, because I don't remember what they looked like. They were "pacifists" though, and persuaded people to join them. Creepy! Um...and apparently, people were getting ready for Prom? And so it was like half of a day before the dance, running around, aliens, trying to run away from people and defeat the aliens, being trapped, and then waking up? It was ridiculous. I think the weirdest part was during the dream, I was contemplating fellatio? I don't know. It's just one of those things.

Um...so I took a nap, woke up, my mom apparently bought a cake and my dad had bought a cake, so we're like...One of them is for Jeremy? My dad sucks at knowing how old we are. I swear, he only pays attention to when Jeremy and I turn 18 because then he has total control over whether or not we stay here. Tch.

I'm so excited for the rest of the year, though. This will be so much fun and I can't wait.

Ooh! So we're going back to Taiwan over the summer. My mom was talking about the things we could go do and I'm genuinely excited for an opportunity to go back. Um...That's about it.

So, I started this post to talk about April 11, and ended up rambling. That's cool.

-I can't Wait?
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Metacognition

2009-04-03T20:01:00.002-07:00

So I guess today has been a day for feminism.

In English, we finished the Literary Theory presentations on Feminism, and while I hated how they presented it (it was three girls. One a HUGE feminist herself), it got that it was the female view on everything.

Got home eventually, and was in the kitchen making orange juice when James showed up to my door. I could hear his car mainly because the windows were open, but I met him on my front porch. We go in, he corners me at the sink and bends me backwards over it. Fine. Later, we're on the couch. I got to prove how much of an exhibitionist I was. That was fun. Um, things started getting kinky: we went up to my room and I got to bind him. I guess all in all, it was a day of dabbling in a list of things I've been wanting to try for a bit. I would officially rate it at 9.5: the only thing that could have made it better was if it lasted like, forever, only because it was so fun.

Apr. 4th

So I got bored today and went onto Facebook. There are pages that you can become a fan of. I went on this weird tangent and somehow started a small daydream about giving blowjobs. I don't know. I still love giving them, by the way (so tangent-y today). So, in a spark of dirty inspiration, I look up "penis" on the facebook search. I really wanted to be super silly and become a fan of the penis page. There wasn't one.

And because I'm ridiculous, there are 7 fans of fellatio on facebook.

On a different, but still tangent-rich subject: my bed sucks. It's definitely too small to do stuff in, and way too empty for me to enjoy myself. There is also a huge lack of anything to tie someone down to. Haha, my parents have a huge four-poster. Hm...

I am the type of person that can spend a day in bed. I can wake up in the morning, take care of morning routine, return to bed and snuggle under blankets/with person in bed for hours until it is about lunch time, or whenever I get hungry. I am also the type of person that could dabble and play for the entire day in bed. Lastly, I am the type of person that can do just about anything in my bed. I read, sew, fix things, and fix things. Yeah.

-Bleh, so done with this post.
Overwhelm, Overpower, I've Conceded

Scarlet Bloodmoon

The New Dawn

2009-03-20T19:23:00.004-07:00

We are all finally adults, but it doesn't feel like it. I still agree with everything everyone says, and am in the middle of all the groups because of it. I still have the messiest room ever, but that's how my mind works. I still am in love with giving away all of my time, am still super miserly, and I am still a kid unless I grew up so fast I don't remember the transition.

It's scary. Technically, I could be in charge of children: pure, innocent, clean slates. This scares me to no end. I am not ready for huge responsibility. Sometimes, I'm not even responsible enough for myself and constantly amaze myself that I can actually get up in the mornings. When did this happen?

Finally, James is legal. It's been three months since I've been legal, and for those three months, it really hasn't bothered me. But, finally, we can do stuff that he's never been able to. Umm...like we can go to clubs? But I guess, we're not really going to do much of that stuff...

(March 22, 2009)

He got all excited about the things he is now allowed to do, and asked if I had felt it too. I really haven't. Life hasn't really changed for me since I turned 18. I am now more cautious because my dad has a short temper and can really throw me out and I'd have nowhere to go. All of my friends were 17 still and I would have no one to do silly and crazy adult stuff with. I mean, yeah, I can get tattoos and piercings, but I don't want to look after it, and I don't want to not be able to do stuff because of a huge open wound thing I have.

So, I was reading some of my first posts, going through the first like 25 posts to find a date of something before going back and reading things. It is silly how many things don't apply anymore, or contrast so sharply from what is today. There was a post way back in March, probably a little more than a year ago, where I talk about a tad of palm-reading I had read into and what the meanings of pinky rings were. Well, over the summer, I had gotten one: a cute little silver ring with a spherical piece of hematite mounted and such. And then, I think shortly after getting it, we go to the beach. These two Polish guys come up to me and blatantly start flirting with me despite the language barrier. It got to the point where the guy who was mainly flirting had to rely on the other guy to translate. That was ridiculous. But before I got the ring, we had gone to a club and I had gotten two guys to dance with me simultaneously. So I guess, I'm just the type of person where I exude a sense of confidence to the point where I'm approachable, but still picky enough to need some sort of stability to go further than simple banter.

When I was in Eindhoven, I had a slightly prophetic dream? James was sitting in a wooden chair without arms and I had approached him. Either there was some light banter, or not, but eventually, I kissed him. He pulled me onto his lap and we kissed again. Beaming, I had said, "We suck at being just friends." As it turns out, yes, we were the worst "just friends" couple ever.

But anyways, I guess the whole point of this little digression was to say that my pinky ring doesn't really mean that I'm looking for sex (even though when I lose it, we seem to find less time for it), but that I had left all of my emotional baggage and finally moved on. It was also the joint that I had participated in smoking, and the other that I had shared with Jeremy. It was dancing with about four or five people at the club, getting slightly tipsy, and just having a great time in a manner my goody-goody self wouldn't do. Yes, I got sex after I got my ring, but only because I had left every bit of the morals I could live without behind. And to think that at one point, I had declared to practice abstinence. Tch.

So I guess from here on out, everything I do is my decision. I have no one to blame for the things I do except myself. Well, at least I can go buy things to make the rest of my life just a little bit more fun.

-Give Me The Road to Fulfillment; Forget Morals and Decency
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Woo, It's been a year and two days.

2009-03-15T22:56:00.002-07:00

Wow, I was really a whiny little girl. And it's silly: I started this thing 367 days ago to detail any amount of scandal or gossip in my life in an attempt to convince myself that Spring Break didn't have to be horribly boring because I was completely hopeless and single. My life, currently, would outrage so many religious people and worry my mother to no end, but I don't talk about everything I do. Maybe now that I have attention, I'm censoring myself! What's this?

Maybe it's because I don't need to remember every little bit of this stuff and so I've stopped talking about it, or maybe because it is really of no consequence to you, the reader, what I have done.

But anyways: Steak and a Blowjob day.

Basically, it is the male version of Valentine's Day (as it is about 28 days afterward). On Valentine's Day, the guy usually works his ass off trying to do something sweet and creative to "prove" his love for his partner. The commercial holiday basically is aimed at girls: all the spending goes towards them anyways. So, on March 14th, guys are "spoiled" with steak and a blowjob (which typically are the two things guys always want...well, if they can't get steak and sex).

Anyways, yesterday was fun. At like 3 ish, went to the driving range with James. It was fun, stress relieving, and silly. We left at like 4 and ended driving around for a good hour and a half. We stopped by the Walgreen's and decided to wander the aisles: ended up at the family planning aisle. Did you know that the Lambskin condoms are like 3-4 dollars a piece? That's pricy. We ended up at my house and sat and chatted for a little bit. James decided to put some coolent in his AC system and as he popped his hood up, my mom walks out of the garage. She asks if everything is okay and after a short explanation, she invites James to dinner. So we head off to dinner, Andrei was riding in the backseat.

At the end of dinner, my dad basically said he was the only one there with a real job. That was mean. On the way back home, my mom calls and says there's a UFO thing. We decided it was a blimp. So when we got to my house, James and I sat in the car and we pondered how he was different from all of my other relationships. The list got ridiculous.

Today hasn't been that exciting. Eh, tired

-What is it with Milestones?
Scarlet Bloodmoon

My Life in Terms of PostSecret

2009-03-12T23:30:00.000-07:00

I guess my first encounter with PostSecret was while sitting in the family room watching one of those music channels before it was all rap and reality junk. All American Rejects had just come out with "Dirty Little Secret" and their music video was playing on MTV or Fuse or one of those. Anyways, all throughout the video, they have people hold up little secrets. Those come from the first PostSecret book. This was my first encounter with the project, though at the time, I had no idea about it.

Next, it was probably the day after Christmas 2007 in Vegas. My mother and I were shopping at the Forums and wandered into an Anthropologie. I guess the fact that the store was completely "liberal" and "hippie" attracted both my mother and I, so we spent a decent amount of time in there. I tend to shop based on the price tag, and since this was the Forums, it'll all be expensive stuff that I might try to find a knock-off of elsewhere. So, I wandered to the back of the store, and there was a little section of books just piled ontop of each other. It was a simple brown book that looked like it was wrapped in a paper grocery bag. Big black lettering read "Post Secret." Okay. I opened it up. I flipped through the pages, read the secrets, and I guess I might have connected with some, cried over others, and was appalled at how violent the others were. We left shortly after.

Sometime in mid 2008, an application on Facebook invited me to a Post Secret application thing were it allowed you to attach secrets to posts and comments. This reminded me of the project, and so I went to their website. I browsed through pages and pages of people's favorite secrets, the painful ones, the sweet ones, and the ones that made me cry for hours because it made me feel so empty or because I connected way too much to the heartbroken and slightly pitiful people. I wrote some of the things I wish I could tell people on little pieces of cardstock I had in my room, hid them away, stared at the hiding place, and eventually burned the bits of secrets I had written. They aren't important anymore anyways. I saved all the secrets from PostSecret that I enjoyed: the ones that I laughed at, the ones that were super sweet, or the ones that made me giggle because they were ludacris and bold.

I have a feeling that there is a postcard out there for every step of my life. There is a postcard out there that can perfectly summarize my childhood, the hatred I had for people going through my things, the annoyance every time someone dug through my drawers to find the bag of candy I was planning on saving. There is a postcard for high school. Something about finding and losing friends and about falling in and out of love. There is one that will summarize the rest of my adult life. I hope it's a good one.

So I guess in the spirit of this whole huge blog post about PostSecret, the postcard of the day:

We had an AcDec party at James' house today. At 6:36 ish, I get to his house, open the front screen thing and walk into the living room. His dad kind of double-takes as I walk in and I manage a super pathetic hello because my voice was shot from being sick. Sat down, watched some South Park, and eventually talked about what we were planning on having for dinner. Eventually went to Arby's, because they had a really good deal going on. Sat around waiting for Dmitri to finish a cigarette, talked about how pathetic he is, and then headed back. Spent the last hour watching The Onion Movie and curling up with James. It was all good and fun. I miss being able to do that. I want to be able to stay in his arms for hours, listening to his heart beating.

At the end of the hour, I totally didn't want to go. (Wow, that was a really crappy summary...) Anyways, that was the secret of that moment.

Dysphoric

2009-03-04T22:12:00.003-07:00

Bleh, it's almost break soon. I am so excited. But that also means that everything is going down. I'm going to graduate. Holy shit! I'm going to college, and years later, I will have my own family. I don't want to be ready, but I want to be at the same time. I want to live a simple life that would require a lot of money to maintain (ha!). I want to fall asleep in a four post bed and wake up to small tiny rays of sunlight poking through the curtains. I don't want to grow up yet.

I've learned it is nearly impossible for me to stay mad at someone, especially if I'm just in a pissy mood.

Neh. Bed time I guess.

-Factorial Brain Power
Scarlet Bloodmoon

A gift any girl would love: Pearls

2009-03-02T19:07:00.002-07:00

Now, the really materialistic and high-maintenance will want tangible, permanent ones, but I'd gladly settle for beads of that wonderful substance of life. Apparently, Cleopatra smashed pearls and downed that fine powder in a wine to preserve her youth. In another matter of speaking, I'm probably downing more pearls that Cleopatra ever had the wealth to buy.

Um...Oh, so today in English, our little corner discussed reactions for finding out at that moment we were pregnant (since it was three girls and a guy). Besides being shocked beyond all belief (I was on my period about three weeks ago, probably close to ovulation), I thought about the dream James told me about yesterday. At any rate, I would be heartbroken. I would really want to keep it, but that would mean I'd have to give up a lot of my future for the kid.

Eh, done. Whatever.

-Back to Reading Bad Romance
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Tangenty Update

2009-03-01T18:30:00.002-07:00

The past week: School, half days, chatting, reading, stuff.

Nothing really new to report. My parents have been going back and forth about buying me a house under my name because first-time home-buyers get a tax return or credit score rating boost...Something like that. So my mom wants a house like across from ASU Gammage so she can walk to the library. My dad joked about stopping by randomly on lunch breaks for lunch. Really? What if I planned on having sex and you walk in? Gross.

Um...Andrei is so cute. We started really working on the back yard to the point where if things go well, it will all be done before it's too hot to work outside. So in light of this, Andrei ran into the house excitedly and said "We can have a pool party!" Oh...That means I'm going to probably be stuck watching a whole slew of small children to make sure they don't drown. Fuck. Wow...

So fun thought: a very promiscuous "18+" pool party. That sounds like a lot of fun right now...

Oh, song of the like now: I Love College by Asher Roth. I don't know what it is about it, but it basically describes the ultimate party-scene at college. It's catchy.

Save Me So I Can Save Myself

2009-02-22T23:30:00.000-07:00

TV ranting: something I hardly ever do. So, I just finished season 2 of Torchwood, and while it is a very interesting bit of sci-fi goodness, I was fairly disappointed in their choice to kill off my two favorite characters. Why did they have to kill the cynic twice and the brilliant smart Asian chick?

But all of today, I’ve been excessively moody and needy. I don’t know why it started, but at dinner, I got extremely annoyed at Andrei and then totally annoyed at my dad to the point where I didn’t really talk at all and then spoke through my teeth whenever my dad expected me to respond. And then after dinner, for the next two hours, I seethed with lack of attention and desperately needed human contact outside of my family. I’ve probably cried four times in the last three hours and it’s sad. I’m crying over nothing at all really. It just won’t stop. It’s like there’s an empty little spot in me and by probing at it (which I guess I always probe at the spots that hurt the most and see if that will push me over the edge) only makes it hurt so much to the point where I need to be held and I need to be with someone.

Damn it. I’m going to wake up alone tomorrow. And after waking up alone, I’m going hit the snooze button on my alarms and pretend I’m sleeping for another ten minutes. I will finally get out of bed, get dressed, get ready, stall a bit and then leave. It’ll be the same time and time again. Nothing will change. I don’t want to wake up alone anymore. I want someone with me. I don’t know, maybe I’ve grown dependent on having someone with me. Maybe I’m getting totally used to having something to hold onto that now, when I have nothing, I don’t want to handle it.

I’m sick and tired of people using me to get an opinion or an answer. I’m done with being the only one who knows how to do things in my house. For once, I want someone to call me because they wanted to chat about something or because they haven’t talked to me in forever. I want someone to call me out of the blue just to say hi. Through all of my life, I’ve always been the person who will listen to any story because someone needed to talk. I’ve never been able to assert myself in one-on-one conversations enough to have someone listen to me. If given the chance, I couldn’t spend forever talking about myself or what I believe in. I’m not good at vocalizing my opinions or ideals and eventually, I’ll just shut down even more. No. All I want is someone to fall asleep with.

-Maybe this is just the stress
Scarlet Bloodmoon

21

2009-02-21T23:50:00.002-07:00

So, today was the HISEF award ceremony. That was exciting. Um...and then I went home, sat around a bit, and then got ready for MORP, which is a Sadie's Hawkins dance. It was silly: people we never expect to see together and the same people (who are so straight-edge) grinding it up. Other than that, there really was nothing else about my day...pondered for a bit on how thc would affect semen. That was about it.

-Deliciously Simple
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Mother, May I?

2009-02-19T22:27:00.004-07:00

Today was rather off...It started out like a normal day I guess...but in English, we decided to have a party, and so we did. It was exciting (not really), we had food, and it was just a very fun and relaxing day. World History was alright. Nothing super fun, nothing totally boring. I had only seen James as I was walking from Physics to English and later when he was at work, and very much later when he came and visited me afterward.

I think we've gotten to a point where we are constantly denied any real intimacy in our relationship. Sure, there are places and times where we can be physically intimate, but there never really is a time where I can enjoy just being alone and so close to him without something looming ahead or needing to be done. I miss falling asleep with him. I miss being able to do absolutely nothing for long periods of time without the need to rush off elsewhere. I miss sneaking into his bed to just be there with him, and just to know that for a few hours, I can just listen to his heart beating and feel his arms wrapped around me. It's now at the point where we've been denied this over and over again to the point where it's the only thing we want. It takes us longer to leave each other. We'll spend fifteen minutes, if we have them, to say goodbye not because there's the potential for sex or because it'll score us points, but I'm hesitant to leave because it feels so wonderful to be held. I miss him as much as I do because he's being pulled away from me through obligations. We always want what we can't have, right?

I guess that leads me to a new tangent. Abstinence education does not work. Sure, it's the 100% guarantee way to keep free of pregnancies and STDs, but what about the kids who have no "moral" upbringing and are now cheated from Safe Sex Education because bigots in the government and bureaucracy think the two are the same thing. I'm thankful for television and the internet, for without the two, I'm sure to have destroyed my natural balance of hormones or be a teenage mother. Also, it plays against the idea of temptation, human nature and children always wanting what they cannot have. I don't get why the abstinence people have to play to the idea that after sex, the relationship will become dead. Does that mean that if you ended up marrying the person because they were "so understanding and perfect" but were only looking for sex that the person would have changed because you put a ring on it? Are they implying that by settling down, sex will now be the last thing on their mind? This also teaches to guys that the only ticket to sex is marriage, thus inflating the divorce rate. I am worth it. I'm worth more than the deception of horny males who will never grow up to realize that sex and marriage should not go together exclusively. I am worth more than "saving myself" for "the perfect moment/guy," because my perfect moment technically has never occurred, but I'm happy. I am worth more than the lies they are feeding you: I still value the small gestures of physical intimacy -- and I probably value it more than those pure little goody goodies who waited, I love him for who he is, sex is still special to me, and I'm happier than most people ever will be. Sex did not ruin my perception of love.

I absolutely hated being accused of being some succubus figure who is so morally loose that I view sex as a means of destroying the purity of others. I absolutely hated being told that I will never know that love is because I'm having sex before marriage. I absolutely hated that someone who basically was a stranger told me that they pitied me for what they misread as my mistakes. Right. I pity you for driving your family apart. I pity that you don't realize what love is. I pity that you destroyed the purity of your own child through your insistence that your way of life was the absolute truth. I pity your unhappiness. I pity your lack of lack of religion. I pity your pitiful way of life.

I love being who I am. I love being my achievements and mistakes. I love my history, my culture, and the person I came out to be. I might not love everything around me, but I love the way I turned out. I love that I have the most amazing people to turn to and that I can rely on and trust so many people. I love my life.

-Moreover, I Love You
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title Pending?

2009-02-18T21:56:00.003-07:00

Hm...I totally want to bake brownies...perhaps I will wake up an hour earlier to bake something. Haha. Right.

Anyways, I finished downloading the first season of Torchwood, which I guess I started watching because James kept on commenting on it. They're pretty fun. Whole lot of snogging and it's kind of "cliche" how the main male only really opens up to the main female, but whatever. Umm, so far, it's fun. I like how they've deviated away from the sci-fi for all of those out there that don't nerd-gasm from the mention of time travel or the idea of paradoxes and complexities while still holding true to the universe. Very classy and very British. (David Tennant needs to cameo on Torchwood. That would be exciting.)

Hmm...Oh, so today in stats, a little group of us chatted about where the people in the Spring play cast would rank in sexual promiscuity and where the girls and guys in the class would place. I placed second on the girls rank, one-upped by a girl all four of us agreed was a huge whore. I'm fine with having sexual experience (and quite a bit of it, I guess) yet being considered "not a whore." In fact, that's pretty much an accomplishment for me. Yay for not being a whore but still knowing how to enjoy physical pleasures.

So, that's pretty much the highlight of my day...Got peppermint ice cream...that was pretty exciting. Au revoir!

-Since 1990
Scarlet Bloodmoon

I'm Beginning to Like Routine.

2009-02-17T22:39:00.003-07:00

I guess, in some weird twisted way, I win...but it's not really about that anymore. Maybe this is how I can get everything out while it's still small and cute instead of when the stress or whatever has been bottled up to a point where it's poison.

Well, I have Super Glue epoxy all over my hands, keyboard, and sheets. Bleh. Gross! Um...Finished my Governement report thing easily. I loved doing it. Anyways: homework was easy tonight, and of that I'm glad.

I didn't really get to see James today. He took the day off from school and so after school at like 4:10 ish, he came by my house and we chattered about what he missed in school today. Oh, and then later on, he proved to me that I really don't have people I hang out with or that I would call great friends. I mean, I used to have friends, and then I decided that I didn't like bits and pieces of them, so slowly, as I started changing, the way I see people and my tolerances were changing too. So, all of my previous friends were abandonned because I was no longer into anime, people became lost to be because they weren't interesting anymore or because it was just about the right time for something to die and for something new to take it's place. Well, whatever. I still have people I can turn to, and if not, I always have myself and all of my blogs.

I might actually call it an early night tonight, and of that I'm surprised. I finished everything before 10 and I actually did everything?!? What's this? Anyways: life has been fun.

Oh! So I come home today and my mom and Andrei are basically arguing over his allowance. Andrei says my mom owes him three dollars and she doesn't understand where he is coming up with everything. After listening to Andrei explain his side for maybe three minutes (and it took my mom forever, to the point where Andrei was crying) I was able to explain exactly what Andrei had wanted and where he was coming from. Wow. I win.

Um...that's basically it...Robot shipped today. Not that exciting. Whatever.

-Apparently, I like playing with sticky liquids...
Scarlet Bloodmoon

6 Month Milestone.

2009-02-16T20:25:00.001-07:00

Today marks half of a year from that day under the stars. Six months since the last time I had touched cannabis. I don't remember where the day started.

Part of me wants to say we went to Barnes and Noble because we did that often, but another part of me says that isn't true. I do remember going to the movie theatre originally planning on seeing Wall-E. I mean, it's a cute robot movie! We got there in time to catch a movie before Wall-E so we decided to see Step Brothers. All in all, it was an okay movie. I don't think I was paying as much attention to the movie as I was to James.

During one of the many sappy and lovey-dovey parts of Wall-E, I remember turning to James and saying "I think I love you." I had been back in Arizona for 19 days and already, I felt like he was my other half. All throughout my stay in Holland, we chatted and through all the chatting, we got closer than we probably had ever been. Upon return to Arizona, he was really the only person I spent time with.

After movies, we went to a deserted field at sat in his truck. He finished the last of the stuff I had from Amsterdam and I think we threw in some stuff he had left. After that, we went to the bed of the truck and sat. The wind was blowing, it looked like rain was coming in.

I ended up on the roof of the cab, settled between his legs. He was standing against the cab, and it was there that we decided to retry the relationship.

Six months later, I'm sure he is the only person I ever want to spend the rest of my life with. I've been through so much with him: We've been stuck in Vegas, had his parents catch us, had an interesting pregnancy scare, planned out a home, plotted to freak out his parents to uber extremes, and I've spent perhaps 48 consecutive hours away from home with him. He's made me realize so many things and helped me become a better person.

-To a Lifetime with You
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Manditory Update # 75

2009-02-15T20:51:00.002-07:00

So I spent today babysitting Andrei. For the most part, he is the easiest little kid to watch. So, we went to the movies and he wanted to see Coraline and Hotel for Dogs. Okay. Coraline was super fun and dark enough to keep me amused. Hotel for Dogs was sappy enough to make me cry. Yeah.

Oh, saw a preview for Dragonball Evolution. I almost walked out of the theatre. How could they do that to anime? Seriously? What is up with Corporate America Americanizing old anime?

Um...Nothing really new. I have to write a letter for my mom and fit in homework. Bleh. Um...Nothing else that's horribly shocking...Well, I have Let it Rock stuck in my head...

-Down and Out
Scarlet Bloodmoon

You're Perfect in Every Way

2009-02-14T21:58:00.003-07:00

So, this morning, I woke up at 8:40 to the wonderful sound of metal scraping against concrete and the beeping of large machinery moving backwards. Grr. Again, my dad woke me up earlier than I wanted to be up. So I sat around for a bit, read a bit, ate a bit, and finally, at noon, went out to Joe's Farm Grill with James for lunch. Split a burger and sweet potato fries (which I still like the ones I got the first night we were in Flagstaff better, but these were good too) and watched people. Later, we went to the Coffee Shop right next to the Grill and had a thing of hot chocolate. It was probably the best chocolate I will have in quite a while. In fact, I can't wait for the one that will beat this one.

We drove around for a bit. Seriously. We drove to Florence and then headed back. We finished at like 4:00.

So then, at 6:00, we went out to run some errands and to go to the SanTan Mall. It was cold, but we wandered around, talked to a friend, chatted with the lady behind the cologne counter, and stole fragrance from Sephora (which I swear is the only store in that complex with Acqua di Gio for Women). We wandered some more, walked to places, hit up lingerie sections of stores and Victoria's Secret, and eventually went for some bread at Paradise Bakery. Got pulled over by a cop for having the taillight out, drove home, and spent like an hour just with him.

So far, it's been an exciting weekend. I can't wait for Monday.

-On A Valentine's Day
Scarlet Bloodmoon

MY Holiday

2009-02-13T16:54:00.003-07:00

So I didn't post last night because shortly after completely homework, I fell asleep. Yes. It was epic, I got a lot of sleep and all was good and fine. The thing was, I forgot to set my alarm apparently, so when I woke up at like 5:40, it was a bit surprising and weird.

Um, the day was easy. Not too much work, not too much effort. Um...Went home, picked up Andrei, sat around for a bit, and then finally at like 5, went off with James and Momo to the Changing Hands Bookstore to meet Jimmy Carter. Well, not quite. It was more like wait in line for EVER and then walk past him as he is signing books. As you observe him signing your book, you realize that you're not even going to see him sign the one you are going to receive. It was fairly disappointing.

Umm, had Arabic food, went to a party for a little bit, found the most unlikely people there ever, and um...oh yeah, what felt like a simultaneous finish. Haha, so I got lucky on Friday the 13th. I beat bad luck!

-I don't know, tired
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Wow, This Went Nowhere Fast

2009-02-11T20:26:00.002-07:00

So I've found out that I heal fairly quickly. That's pretty awesome for me, but the smallest things bother me. For the past...I don't know, week and a half, the cold has cracked the skin on my elbow and moving that through cloth is so annoying and bleh. And I've seriously soaked my elbows in lotion and I swear, if I can't find the Vaseline soon, I'm going to like explode in a fit of annoyed rage.

Which, I guess that reminds me of when Andrei was a tiny baby, he had really bad skin and his feet and scalp were constantly scabby and dry. We'd rub a heck lot of lotion and Vaseline onto his feet and use shampoo that was supposed to help. Maybe the rest of us didn't get that because we weren't born here and we probably weren't super premature like he was. Oh yeah, and we didn't try to strangle ourselves with the umbilical cord before we were officially people.

I have the silliest birth stories about my brothers...well, I know of anecdotes about their birth. Jeremy was born shortly after my dad left the hospital to take me to McDonald's. The doctors were also pretty much on lunch break. No one expected him that early. Daniel wasn't born head-first, but instead as if he were sitting, and Andrei, well that was the paragraph before this. I don't think I was actually there for any of the births...hm.

Aww, damn it. Now I'm thinking about babies. Haha, there will be a potential 25% chance my grandchildren will have dark hair and blue eyes. That's silly.

-Well, since I guess this thing is all about babies
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Four-Posters.

2009-02-10T22:46:00.003-07:00

Short and half-assed post today. I wanna get to bed as soon as humanly possible because I want sleep. So far, I've been headache-y and I cough every once in awhile, but I don't feel sick otherwise. I can still function. If I wasn't such a great kid (haha) I'd just sleep in all day. That sounds amazing.

Speaking of things that sound amazing: I want to fall asleep with him so badly...To be able to curl with him, to feel his body pressed against mine, to know that no matter what, I'll wake up the next morning to the only person who could get away with rifling through all of my stuff and the only person in the world to make me as happy as he makes me. For once, I don't want to wake up alone.

-I Remember
Scarlet Bloodmoon

#70

2009-02-09T19:45:00.002-07:00

Woo, 70th post today, and next month marks one year of my little blog's existence. Pretty exciting! While I don't have a whole ton of readers, or strangers who encourage me to get out of rough spots in my life, I have learned a lot about myself through my blog, and I have come to hate that whiny little girl I was eleven months ago. I resent some of the things I said, some of the things I did, and some of the things I thought, but that's not going to change the past. In fact, maybe if the past had changed, I wouldn't be here now, talking about half the things I do, and maybe, I would still have never had pistachio ice cream.

I used to love running around in the rain. It didn't used to matter how cold it was outside, I'd still come back inside sopping wet and cold. Now, I'd rather curl under blankets and find warmth. Somewhere along the line, I wanted to stay warm. I don't know...conditioning I guess.

Tch. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I want to stay at home all day and sleep and read. I want to spend an entire day not having to worry about stuff. I'm so done with having to care so much about everything. I want a soma holiday...That'd be fun.

-Another Useless Milestone
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Bleh.

2009-02-08T22:38:00.003-07:00

Nothing too exciting today. Moreover, the whole entire part of it was laying in bed wearing just James' button-down shirt and perusing the internet. Umm...got talked at by my dad about how I'm wasting potential and limiting my friends and thus, I will not enjoy my adult life because my teen years will just be blank. Yup. Then, like an hour ago, I was typing up fluff for my mom's report she has to do for psychology and stuff. Totally unepic day, I guess...

-Almost Not Worth a Title
Scarlet Bloodmoon

End of a Dry Spell

2009-02-07T21:16:00.003-07:00

So today was fun. Woke up, ate a bit, my dad yelled at me about how I'm misusing the word "fair" and that I don't deserve to use it. He goes on about the words that he hates. One of which was "Mr. Bush" because of his blatant blindness caused by God and religion and how stem cell research has been hindered eight years and we've all lost eight years of our lives because of him. While that is totally extreme and horribly stupid, it's kind of true. We've lost eight years of research and development, but stem cells will get us to the point where we can extend our lives tenfold, and really, I haven't lost eight years, my increase of life has been delayed four years. Whatever. So I listen to his rant, do whatever it was he wanted me to do, go upstairs for a bit, visit James, had ice cream and took a very short nap, and then went to work on the robot at this guy's house. Went to dinner, came home and I've been doing nothing ever since. I guess, really, my day hasn't been great, and it doesn't really sound all that fun, but the hour I spent with James was totally worth it. That made my day. It had been so long since we've had a day like this one.

Then, he came and visited me, I had pistachio ice cream for the first time, we sat and just talked and had a huge tickle attack, and I got to lay against him and break away from the world for more than an hour. It's been forever since we've had a day like this.

-In Hopes of Another
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Eh, Short One.

2009-02-06T22:30:00.002-07:00

Bleh, so today, I got home, went to visit James at work, distracted him for 30 minutes, went home, internet, dinner, hung out with James and Momo. Seriously. That's been my day.

The most amazing part was being able to lay with him, play with him, love him, and be with him. It makes me wish we had all the time in the world together, or that no one else existed besides us. There is really nothing I wouldn't give to be able to spend a night together with him. I miss him...

-Off to Dream World, I Guess
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Musings of the Chronically Sleep-Deprived

2009-02-05T20:18:00.004-07:00

I've been so helplessly tired these past few days. It's gotten to the point where I'm almost falling asleep while driving in the afternoon right after school. I just want to fall asleep with him and curl in his arms. I want to spend hours alone with him. I miss the way things were. I want to spend forever with him.

I want to be on the roof, to be outside. I want to be in some super grassy area, lying on my back and staring up at the stars. I want to be away from this place. I want to be comfortably warm and safe. I want to be held and caressed. It's to a point where I'd be beyond elated to be able to take a nap with him.

I'm pretty much done dealing with all of this stuff. I can't wait for the day where I can leave all of this behind and not look back. I'm going to be so glad to just move on to bigger and better things while there are people (and people I know) who will dwell in their little world and will never step out of it. Well, I have a month more before I can sleep in every night. Wouldn't that be amazing?

-Make It All Better
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Just Done.

2009-02-04T21:16:00.002-07:00

Ugh. This week hasn't been great. I've been constantly tired, Jeremy uses me to his own benefit and then runs off to do other stuff, I've been totally out of it and I'm so ready for the weekend and a chance to sleep. I've been falling asleep at 11 like clockwork and apparently, it's not enough. After coming home today, I was super convinced that is was only Tuesday. Yeah.

Nothing exciting...got my car booted today...I'm so done with school, I don't even know. It's times like these where all I want to do is curl in his arms and just forget that the rest of the world exist. It's so hard to spread myself so damn thin. I'm so ready to get a chance to rest.

-Whatever, I'm done
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Unless You're Watching, Why Does It Matter Who Guys are Fucking?

2009-02-02T19:47:00.004-07:00

So this morning in Government, the teacher asks what were some qualities we like to see in our Presidents. Someone said a general sense of morality. I totally agree. They should be moral and fair. I added that presidents should separate religion-specific morals so that they won't pass policies and bills or grant priorities to issues that don't represent the groups that are openly shunned by churches. Oh, and really, it's mostly just the Christian religions who are intolerant of homosexuality. What the fuck guys? Seriously? Everyone else is okay with it. I have gay friends who are great people and will one day be your future.

So the teacher is surprised that I could firstly word the point like I did and asked what I had meant. I used the issue of homosexuality: I don't want a president to base his decisions on the opinions of a church he or she belongs to that openly shuns homosexuality. It's not fair and why the hell is that allowed at all? But! So this kid argues that my point is invalid because it could go both ways. He says that a homosexual president could pass bills and policies that are homosexually centric. First off, are you insinuating that America will actually get open-minded enough to vote for a flaming homosexual? Second off, are you insinuating that homosexuality is a fucking religion? Um, I know it's 6 in the morning, but do know that your points are so wrong and spoon-fed that I want to rip out your throat every time you disagree with me. At least I don't get my opinions intravenously dripped through my system and mind. At least I know why I believe in the things I do outside of because my religion (what religion?) and parents and friends think the same way. I like debate. I like knowing who to listen to and who to debate against. I know who to preemptively agree to disagree with without them knowing and just nod and see that they have valid points.

I didn't argue back with him because that wasn't the aim for the morning. We still had another lesson, and quite frankly, I couldn't be bothered. Whatever. Enjoy your spoon-fed lies and I hope they keep you warm at night.

Another issue I totally hate is the fact that in November, the Mormon churches were all getting riled up about Prop 102 because they didn't want to have gays come and demand they get married in their church. Why would people have the happiest moment of their lives within an institution that openly hates them? So just because a gay guy might ask to be married in your church, you have to ruin it for everyone? How impossibly arrogant and selfish. So what if I asked to be married in a Mormon church, married a body of testosterone, but during and after the ceremony, openly have make-out sessions with females? And then declare that my religion defines the only valid coupling as between a male and female and by kissing all these girls, it really never happened at all! What the fuck is that all about? Isn't it enough that heterosexuality has the majority and that there will never be a majority for a homosexual no matter what? Isn't it enough that they won't even bother you? Do you seriously have to go all Dystopic society on us and assimilate everyone into your gray and cookie-cutter mold?

I have never met a homosexual that I have not immediately began to befriend and trust. They are the sweetest people in the world and half the time, can pull professional so well that no one will realize their true sexual orientation. Homophobic people of America: Stop worrying that your children's teachers are going to be homosexuals who will brain-wash your children and turn them gay. Homosexuality is a trait acquired at birth; it is not a disease and it is not a choice. Gay guys are the cutest people in the world and they are the people who know how to listen and compliment. They are the people any girl could easily live with without having to worry about being self-concious or horrible about themselves. They seriously make the best friends.

Bisexuality is something that I tend to go back and forth on. Girls are pretty and beautiful and amazing, no matter what gender is acknowledging this. I can say I find girls attractive because I know what healthy looks like and how I like girls to be. Plus, confidence is sexy, but not arrogance. Girls know where the line is, they never cross it. I, at times, will check out girls and wonder how they would be in bed. I'm serious. But I have a boyfriend, I know that I'm totally straight, and I know that given the choice, I would choose a body of testosterone who can and will give me the attention and fun I crave. Maybe it's a curious-type thing where I just totally want to know if there are other girls who have the same spots and triggers I do. Maybe I just want a soft, curvy body to play with before I return to the vastly different male one I have. I am mostly under the impression that bisexuality does not exist and is mostly just girls and guys desperate for attention that they'd do pretty much anything. I guess I'm just weird because from the young age of like 9, I've always wondered if I were absolutely physically different from every other girl.

-Don't Die Yet, K? I Don't Know What I'd Do Without You.
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Annihilation

2009-02-02T00:36:00.002-07:00

The month of January has been alright. It started in the freezing cold of Flagstaff's city center, counting down to the new year and feeling the excitement of all these strangers around me. Something made me horribly sad. Maybe it was the fact that I had someone about three hours away that I couldn't see or talk to. Maybe it was because I couldn't have the way I wanted to start my new year.

Kick off was interesting. Met a lot of new people so far, building a robot, all that stuff. Really, that's been the premise of the month.

Umm, I am addicted to washing clothing. Maybe it's because the detergent smells fucking amazing and no matter how much I try, nothing ever comes out of the wash smelling like it, but yeah. There's nothing really to post about for the entire month if I update everyday, huh?

Oh, so a kid died yesterday. They announced it at school because he went to our school. I saw two girls cry about it. Okay. That night, a teacher sends an email saying that we should all go out of our ways to include people who normally aren't included and stuff like that. Does that not scream "suicide?" Which is horrible, because English Teacher's boyfriend's swim-teammate's dad committed suicide over the weekend. Ouch! It can be An Hero tiem nao?

Haha, so talking about death while the past month had a password of annihilation. Silly.

-The Bitter Taste that Stains My Mouth at Every Word You Say
Scarlet Bloodmoon

The Things We Ponder

2009-02-01T23:51:00.003-07:00

Today was spent as a day to finish all of my homework and to catch up on sleep that I've missed through the week. I woke up, had a brunch of sorts, did some homework, mostly chatted with James while he was in church, and then went to Walmart with him to pick up Superbowl Party supplies. 45 minutes later, I was at home and started to finish the homework. Dinner, more homework, finally finished, internet.

Um...on the way home, I started randomly pondering things and realized that living with someone else would be weird. I could picture the way he'd hold me, lounging around on weekends; or the way we'd spend the entire Sunday in bed. I could picture sitting down to dinner, the two of us pressed so closely; cooking; doing the dishes and starting a huge water fight. I pictured all of these things and in that moment realized that if I was going to live with him, I would personally treat it like we were unofficially married. That's the kind of marriage I want to get into, one that I can do all of these silly and fun things in and he'd love me for doing so; one where I know just by the way he looks at me, and just in the way he holds me, that all is perfect and right; one where we'd never have to worry about dealing with a divorce or who would take the kids. I want someone who loves me no matter what: I want someone like James for the rest of my life.

-Chin Up, Stare Forward
Scarlet Bloodmoon

I Want A Kitty Cat...

2009-02-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's been two years since my life became a fucked up little curve that no one knows how to plot on an x vs. y graph. Full of ups and downs, debating where my loyalty was, how I was never going to be that perfect little girl...I had more ups and downs than where I am now.

Acdec was great fun. We ended up placing in Essay twice, which was surprising as hell. We weren't last! and technically, I scored more than anybody on the team for Super Quiz relay (3.5 average where people got 3 ish). It was amazing. But unless everyone else epic sucked, we aren't going to State.

Umm, visited MoMo last night, pet a kitty (was super excited), smoked hookah for the first time, went to Trails for the first time, Princess went on about how he was saving his virginity for the perfect moment and thinks his first time is going to last half an hour. Try 1/60 of that! And then after going to Trails and having the two college girls working there half-flirt with him (which he totally didn't catch, loser), decided that college girls are hot and that he wanted to have sex with college girls. Okay. Sure. Didn't you just tell me I was an immoral whore for having sex when I do?

We do things socially. I only do "bad" things when everyone else is and I don't tend to get addicted to them. I don't find excuses to go smoke socially or to do whatever socially. In fact, if I know they plan on it, I may or may not even consider it. I understand that people who are under stressful situations or have no other outlet will turn to smoking, but there are some people who go under the pretense of smoking socially and then get addicted (which, they are addicted when they smoke when no one is around to smoke with them) and can't tell. Why? In fact, they tend to have the best lives, no problems at all, and still, they smoke because their friends are going through deep and horrible stuff. What? You know what, when I pick up hardcore smoking, Princess can too. Not until then.

Never Giving Up

2009-01-30T23:23:00.002-07:00

AcDec competition today. It was the regional one and we probably won't do that well and not go to state. I had the same speech judge as I did at Mountain Pointe and that was interesting. Interview was okay. Essay was blah, language and literature was alright.

Oh, had "dirty-bathroom-sex" kind of for the first time. We were walking around the school we were at and it was about time to go give speeches. "But we can have some fun before we go." It was fun. I giggled my whole way there to the speeches.

Eh, I'm tired. Bed time, I guess...

-Good night, Sweet dreams, I love you
Scarlet Bloodmoon

I Just Have a Thing for Numbers

2009-01-29T22:28:00.000-07:00

Today is five months from the day we first started things. It was right there...I can see it from where I am on my bed. Right in front of my dresser. He asked where I preferred it, I asked where he wanted to be. There were no fireworks, but he told me I was delicious. I don't know, this was the moment where I realized how to treat a female -- mistress or lady. This was the moment I realized that no matter what, all females have that basic need to be nurtured and held, to be kissed gently and told they are loved. I'm surprised it took me that long to realize that I'm closer to the other girls at school than I had ever hoped or that I was actually similar in some way to all of the girls around me. I had gone from being an object to being loved and tenderly caressed and stroked. It was an event full of laughs and I realized then that we had something really cool. We could laugh at anything. It could have been the most awkward and embarrassing thing ever, but we were able to laugh at ourselves and to walk away from it even closer than before.

There are just some things that don't leave. I remember the day we decided to experiment in rooms, I remember when we got stuck in Vegas in October. Numbers just come easy for me.

Umm...oh. It feels like he's very enthusiastic. In the way he caresses my legs and kisses his way up, I can just feel his love and devotion. I love the way it feels, and it's almost like he's a cat lapping up sweet cream, like he can't ever get enough. Anyways, it just drives me insane...

Hmm...what else? I miss being able to do the things we used to do. I miss being about to curl with him on a couch or to lay with him and fall asleep in his arms. I miss being able to be so close to him, to be able to kiss him, to fool around on a bed...just to spend time with him. Maybe I had never thought I'd actually be here, but I'm at the point where I don't even need sex most of the time...it's just for when I really really can't fix it and it almost hurts. What does hurt is not being able to nap with, sleep with, fuck with him. I miss the way things were a few months ago. I miss being trapped in Vegas with him.

-Painful Memories with Happy Endings
Scarlet Bloodmoon

It's More than Just Rubber and Epoxy...

2009-01-28T20:09:00.003-07:00

The general disclaimer is that I don't hate people. It is super hard for me to actually hate people, and even after great injustices and half-assed attempts of remedy, I still don't hate the person. It takes inhuman amounts of pain and annoyance for me to build up to the point where I hate people.

Ever since freshman year, this girl Danielle has been defeating every single tiny victory I celebrated. It took me forever to become great friends with this guy, and in a moment, it seemed she one-upped that friendship I had. Maybe, at the whiny age of 14, I had secretly been jealous of her ability to command social crowds like she did. But ever since that moment, I've associated her presence in my life as an omen towards my obvious inferiority in comparison to her. Junior year, she got closer to Cale. One weekend, her and a group of friends decided to go and reevaluate his wardrobe and hit up every single store that I avoid -- even now. That was a Saturday. The following Tuesday, I found myself single. And really, it was the first time I'd ever seen Cale act differently around me than with other people. Oh gosh. Well, eventually, they got to be close friends and then drifted apart when "things didn't work out between him and one of her closer friends."

Now, she's sinking her awful claws into my life again, through yet another one of the soft spots I have left. James has a class with her and since she lives like five doors down from me, will occasionally chat him up outside of school. Yesterday, she called him back as he was leaving the community after he dropped of some stuff at my house. Really? I guess it only is noteworthy because he actually turned around and went back to her. And I guess that only bugged me because he had told me he needed to get home. If he was coming back, why couldn't he have spent more time with me? On my way to the open house thing last night, I was a tad more than mildly annoyed. I've seen how very shallow she could be and how basically, she uses the people around her because they are able and willing to do a few favors. She seems nothing more than a manipulative little girl who can't realize how different the real world is from her own. And no matter what I do, probably because of a fairly harmless comparison made by Cale, I can't not see her as the symbol of failure and disappointment -- my failure and disappointment.

I suppose a lot of this wouldn't be like this if I hadn't broken down that awful Saturday and cried when he emotionally distanced himself for the sake of getting information out of me. Maybe I wouldn't see her as the epitome of all of my failures and mistakes if he hadn't stuck so closely to her after that Tuesday. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if it didn't seem like she was secretly trying to steal the people I considered important and then later moved on away from them. It doesn't seem fair from where I'm standing. I lose these people in very painful ways while she just conveniently runs out of uses for them and distances herself from them. Every one of these lead to a very painful loss for me and a harmless transition to a new puppet for her. How is that fair to me? I've already been lashed twice, can I take a third?

-Painfully
Scarlet Bloodmoon

"Mandatory Update"

2009-01-27T20:55:00.003-07:00

Nothing much to report today. Enjoyable robotics president was outed and new one installed. Nothing really fun at robotics. Today is the day MoMo comes back though. That should be exciting. Went to an Open House thing for Sophomores and Juniors. Talked about science, chatted with teachers, did a thermite reaction, helped the teacher with some grading and so forth. It was very fun. Um...That's about it. I have homework, sorry for the five line post.

-Until The End
Scarlet Bloodmoon

P.S. I haven't been writing about James recently...wow. Well, I haven't really spent a lot of time with him...But that's another rant for when I have the time to fit homework and blogging into the same night. Ta!

Did You Just...?

2009-01-26T21:04:00.000-07:00

History repeats itself, but manifests itself into different faces so it doesn't get boring. So, DJ is a huge douchebag to girls and he's always been like that. When I first met him, he had this girlfriend Kura who was two years older than he was. She was this typical romantic girl who wanted to do everything with him and God forbid something goes wrong. He later told me he was only going out with her because he was basically using her and had originally started going out with her because she looked really pathetic and lonely. Wow. At one point in time, there was an interesting love triangle thing going on...I liked him, he kind of liked me I guess, but was still going out with Kura. Eventually I gave up on him, lost a whole ton of respect, and went on with life. Social circles made it so that after awhile, we got to be friends again, but this time he was going out with this girl Mac. I didn't know her very well, but it was alright. I had given up on him anyways. Things went on, life continued, and recently, they broke up. He immediately started going out with Tuesday and fuck, she's exactly like Kura. Not necessarily hopeless and pathetic and that's not why he's going out with her, but she's one of those girls who's lost all sense of independency and can't take not seeing him on their first month "anniversary." Really?

She's now one of the girls who will use tears and bitching to get a guy to do anything. Those girls need to die. How is it that those are the girls that "represent" the whole female gender when there are girls who enjoy being rough-housed and couldn't care less about celebrating monthly milestones. Why aren't those girls who enjoy getting down and dirty and enjoy going down not the female figureheads? Why are we represented by those flitty little saps when there are solid girls who fight and play back?

-This Is The Way Things Are
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Colleges?

2009-01-25T20:08:00.002-07:00

So for the past like two days, I've been watching this show called Undressed that was on MTV or something...it's like this little drama thing that looks very indie and it totally out there. It's alright...I get mad at it sometimes and refuse to watch it, but then I get bored. Eh.

Oh, so on Friday, there was this club meeting thing at conference and basically, it was seniors talking to not seniors about college applications and stuff like that. They asked where we were going to college and I said I was going to ASU because I didn't want to be far from my parents. I lied. I'm going to ASU because really, I don't want to leave him. I'm telling myself that I don't want to deal with out-of-state tuition and that I'm not good enough to get a full ride anywhere, but if I had really worked hard enough, even now, I could. I don't have that ambition and I don't want to leave behind this window of happiness I have. Maybe I'll end up regretting this, but there is nothing wrong with getting an in-state education before going somewhere that counts. I'm not staying here because I'll miss my family, and I'm not really staying here because I have no other option. I'm staying here because I want to and because it's easier here. At least I'm not depending on my parents to pay my way through the world. Ugh. I can't stand people from old money or people who take everything for granted. Graduation will rock your world, and if not at graduation, your life will be fucked when you realize no one can help you.

-According To Plan

Really?

2009-01-24T20:10:00.002-07:00

So I can't not get mad at my dad when I talk to him. It's not even like he's easy to be mad at every time he says something, but it's like I just can't get over the fact that I'm held to higher standards than everyone else is and just because I live a little more differently than my brothers do, I have to be restricted. Maybe it's a parental thing to want to keep children inside the house, and maybe when I'm a mother, I'd want to stick all my children in their little baskets and never see them leave, but he doesn't make it seem like that. He makes it seem like he just doesn't want the status quo destroyed and constantly threatens me. Sometimes, he's totally bluffing and will tell me that he doesn't like threatening me, but wants me to follow what he says. Um...really? Did you seriously just tell me that you want to be powerful and hate it when I take that away? Go choke on a dick and die.

Umm...Today was fun. Did my Canterbury Tale project today. Made puppets, laughed a whole ton, it was fun. I haven't seen James at all today though. Nevermind, he came and visited me for like 10 minutes. Umm...today wasn't all that exciting outside of all that.

-A Bit of Strife to Cancel the Laughter
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Eh, I Feel Playful

2009-01-23T20:16:00.002-07:00

I've been sleepy the whole week. Over and over again, I've wanted to curl up with him and fall asleep. I've wanted to fall asleep on a huge bed that you could seriously lose me in. I've wanted to recapture the bliss that I had been denied since November. I've wanted the old days back.

I feel lazy today. This is going to be epic half-assed...Umm...in PE, we ended our "outside time" early because it started raining. Half the class complained about it. It was silly.

Went to ASU with James, his Fed Ex kid, and this female friend of ours. It was fun. We wandered a little, explained any confusing or otherwise concepts and talked just about things. Then we went and wandered around looking for a place to have dinner. We finally found a really cool Indian restaurant and stopped there. Food was delicious and it was super fun. Had lamb for the first time...maybe? I don't know. It's either I've had it before and didn't really like it or I've never had it before. It's an interesting taste, but really tender.

Eh, I'm done.

-Rawr!
Scarlet Bloodmoon

A Pull

2009-01-22T21:04:00.000-07:00

Every time some small memory comes to mind or some small thought makes me incredibly happy, something pulls at my heart. The feeling spreads throughout my body, normally to my right hand or down further. I used to describe this as a flutter, but recently, it's starting to hurt. It's more of a longing now. It a reminder of how I used to be able to do all of these things that seem just like distant fantasies now. It makes me miss the moments that have now passed and wonder when I will ever experience the pure bliss of being able to fall asleep with him.

Rendered helpless by the sharp twinge running through my body, I can do nothing except curl together and hope it passes. Often, I will encourage more and more thoughts, more and more flutters. Wave after wave of bittersweet feeling floods through me and when I can't take the pain anymore, I let go. Slowly, the flooding goes away and all I'm left with is a deep pulsing of my heart and a fleeting bit of pain.

It doesn't really bother me that much, just sometimes it gets to the point where I can't do anything at all. Someone at school was complaining about how his breakup left him in so much pain and how his heart was hurting so much. He doesn't know pain. He doesn't know what it feels like to be constantly denied the urge and need to curl into someone and hold on forever. He doesn't know what it feels like to have been through heaven only to have it ripped away. It kind of works both ways: you can't know happiness without knowing pain, but you can't know pain without knowing true bliss. Very little people actually know pain and very little people actually know happiness. I guess I'm lucky enough to know both.

So today in English, we shared the "Rules of Love" we had written yesterday in class. The other classes had finished before us and so we shared some of those as well. It was a great laugh and very silly. Christine and I were off in our own little groups and disagreed with everything the other girls said were rules. Bella was between our group and another and we told her that she couldn't have this double input. It was just silly. I know I'm not the ideal girl for every guy, but I'm good enough. I enjoy being in the kitchen, on my knees, on my back...haha. I guess I would like to think I'm low maintenance enough to be the perfect girl, but it's been a long time since I've actually cared about being perfect. I guess my only "Rule of Love" would be that he has to be able to keep up with me. If I'm playful, I want him to play along with me...he has to be able to keep me entertained verbally and physically and be able to fit me.

I'm truly the luckiest person alive. I have the greatest friends, the easiest time dealing with opinions I do not agree with, the ability to see both sides of any argument and essentially agree with either side, and the best boyfriend I've ever had. I love that I can be myself around him and that I don't have to put a damper on my personality or behavior. I'm glad I don't have to compromise and that he fits me.

-Completed by Your Presence
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Kitty Cats and Griselda

2009-01-21T19:49:00.002-07:00

So, there was a cat stuck in our swamp cooler today. Apparently all through the day, Jeremy and Mom were looking for it in the garage (it was meowing pretty loudly) and couldn't find it. We stuck Riley in the swamp cooler and he started sniffing and the cat growled a little. We got it out, Andrei was epic excited, things went and played out well.

Oh, I just finished the Clerk's Tale in The Canterbury Tales. It's...different. Basically, this really poor girl Griselda ends up marrying the marquis and he puts her through these horrible tests. She meekly accepts whatever he tells her to do and so he tries her by pretending to kill their daughter and son and then divorce her and marry someone younger. He makes her prepare for the wedding and interact with the girl (who is actually her daughter) and in the end decides he can't take how well she's accepting all of this crap and tells her the truth. She's epic happy and things go well.

The thing is, really, it's talking about society (they comment on how the people are all against how the marquis is a murderer but when he brings in the new girl and she's so pretty, they are so happy and "realizes" why the marquis divorces Griselda) and maybe even comments on the love of society. Back then, love was seen more like lust is today and Griselda's devotion and need to please Walter is the love Chaucer shows. It also brings up the question of morality: obviously the marquis was only testing Griselda's morality and faithfulness, but he's ways of doing it are so immoral and out there. To test her submissiveness, he goes to extremes to pretend to kill his children and then send them away to be raised by his sister. Really?

Today was alright. I've been tired all week long because I love staying up late which really doesn't help that I have to wake up early in the morning. So nothing really exciting until...Robotics. Get there, say hi, stuck between like two groups of people who all like me because I can't say mean things to people. There had recently been a break up in the club and it's been pretty awkward. Groups were pretty much redefined and it's really apparent that the guy in the relationship just kind of went along with the rest of the group because they were people that he kind of needed. It was interesting. Talked to this one chick who is just crazy fun and I was super surprised to find out she's a freshman! Eh, Robotics was interesting today. Played with a servo and accelerometer. That was epic fun. But yeah, that's pretty much most of my day.

-Mew
Scarlet Bloodmoon

It's Been So Long

2009-01-20T19:27:00.002-07:00

Today didn't start as wonderfully, but ended up rather amazing. So I woke up this morning and totally didn't want to get up or do anything. All I really wanted was to be wrapped in his arms and wake up at like noon. So I got out of my room at maybe 5:55 this morning, and that's the time I normally leave! Oh snap. So I dash out the door, start my car and realize I needed petrol. I turn everything off and run back inside. My mom gives me her credit card and makes me promise to only use it for gas. Okay. So school: Socratic seminar, inauguration, physics, short amount of chem, more inauguration, English, Stats, lunch, History, and then PE...which we ran basically the entire time.

After that, I went to get gas, back home to give my mom back her credit card, and then changed and went to Santan for a science fair judging. My mom saw me on my way there because she was picking up Andrei and left him with me. The room we were in was right next to his classroom, so he dragged me there. It was really silly. Andrei spent more time with James than he did with me. He said it was because he was a lot more fun. We laughed at this. After going through like 7 science fair projects, we were totally finished and we left for the Gilbert and Germann area. We had an early dinner and Andrei wanted ice cream...well, gelato. So, after that, we went to GameStop and chatted with a friend that worked there. After awhile, we left and went back to my house.

Andrei left us and after chatting and doing stuff (we saw a kitty run across the street, that was cute) and such and so forth, he left. It was fun. It's been awhile since I've had a day like this. And now I want ice cream.

-To Miss the Way it Feels
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Ick...Just Ick

2009-01-19T20:42:00.002-07:00

At around 11:30 this morning, James asked if I wanted/could leave for lunch. I ask my dad, who after about 10 minutes of telling me he doesn't mind that I go out to disliking how I hesitated when giving him the time I was going to come back all the way to how if I didn't like his decisions I should just move out, if I could leave and after wasting a good 10 minutes of my time, and James' time, got a simple no. Really? So feeling rather annoyed, I asked James to come visit me to cheer me up. As he got here, Andrei went out with Riley to walk him, and so we end up all walking Riley around. We spent some time fixing his car and cleaning it up a bit and then just sitting and talking. He left around 1 ish and after that, I went back inside and back on my computer. Like three hours later, he and his new foreign exchange student are out and about and he wants to know if I am allowed out to come along. I ask my dad again, and after telling me how he expects me to come home directly after school and to work on a fucking robot at home, says no. He threatens me, telling me I'm so close to being kicked out of the house because I'm nothing more than a nuisance to everyone and the only reason Daniel didn't do robotics is because I don't give him any attention and all the Robotics consists of is me being with James and ignoring everybody. Really?

So my mom comes home and I run downstairs to meet her in the garage. I asked if she remembered telling me if I just asked to go somewhere, there is a large probability that my parents would let me go. She asked what I wanted to do and if Dad wasn't letting me go somewhere. I gave her the story and she said to go inside and we'd talk it out. This consisted of my mom asking my dad why I couldn't do anything and he told her that I'd spent three hours with James this late morning to afternoon outside and that should have been enough. He made a huge deal about how we were in front of our house as if he was greatly offended by the very idea that I was slightly appeased this morning. She says that was because I couldn't do anything at all today and he argues that I never spend time at home. She said that was because I was off at Robotics and that every day for the past week, I've been home to eat dinner with the family at around 6. "Just let her go." I agreed to get back by 8 and look, I did. Take that!

So I drive up to Dobson and Warner and meet James, his foreign exchange student, and a mutual friend right as they were leaving a store. My timing's awesome. We spend maybe 15 minutes trying to decide on dinner and finally all squish into the friend's car and drive a mile out of the way before getting on the right track. Needless to say, he sucks at directions and doesn't really know how to memorize streets. Dinner was fun, we chatted mostly about the guy's girlfriend and how he should move on. After that, we drove back to my car and then drove back to around my house. We agreed to meet up at the Bashas' nearby and I decided to "race" him back there. I won. After like 6 minutes, I had to go home.

So here I am, typing this. I really dislike my dad...He doesn't take the time to realize what's going on outside of his world and refuses to tolerate the things we do when we tolerate all of the ridiculous things he does. He's supposed to be moving to Minneapolis, but he won't leave at all. He should go really soon...we're all getting sick and tired of him.

-Until It's All Over
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Driven

2009-01-18T19:38:00.003-07:00

I think there's always something to drive me to compete with people. So this time, as long as James is blogging everyday, I will try too. Um...not much happened today, so there really isn't much to talk about or complain about...Let's see:

I guess in a way, I'm conceited to a point where I drive off the potential success of people. I believe that I can do anything better and that people celebrate and magnify things way too much. Of course, it only applies to certain people, and it really doesn't make sense at all why I feel this way. I'm just weird I guess.

I've been listening to Chinese music all day long. It started off as genuine curiosity over a band and then I just got hooked. I enjoyed pulling the songs apart and would smirk every time I found a phrase or thing I understood. It made me happy that I could pick out these things. It made me feel better about myself and the fact that most of the time, I feel I'm losing my culture and roots. Maybe that's what this cultural melting pot does: strips people of their cultures and implements a conglomerate that doesn't quite represent the culture they had lost.

Oh, so my mother has always loved hearing stories of American born Chinese people that return to Taiwan/China and become huge stars and such. She's often suggested we go back to Taiwan and do something with our lives. I only love ABC stars because they will often sing in both Chinese and English and they actually make it work. This leads me to my other point: half Asian children are beautiful. They are. It's the mixture of the Asian darker coloring with a paler skin tone and a more "healthy-looking" facial structure and shape. Their eyes are just a little bit bigger, their faces a little more round, and they look really pretty. I used to envy my cousins because they were just a little bit lighter and just a little different. And since I am super sure I'm not going to end up procreating with an Asian guy, I guess I can envy my children for the rest of my life.

I planted a tulip bulb today. It is currently in the refrigerator and has to be there for about 12 weeks. Exciting, isn't it? Andrei was basically ecstatic to find out what I was doing and decided to pot and grow weeds from the backyard. Okay. It was a messy process and imagine my surprise to find that the pot I had originally intended didn't drain well and basically became a mush of old, dry potting soil and water. It was gross. I also baked the last of my cookies today. Maybe I should just start making cookie dough myself and freeze it.

-Well, that was tangent-y
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Floating In Dragon's Blood, Lull Me To Sleep

2009-01-17T18:19:00.004-07:00

Girls are special. We all exist within our mothers as they are within their mothers. I don't know why I thought of that or why it is at all relevant, but once again, I'm forced to accept the fact that I came from sticky white stuff I make a habit of swallowing (no real pun intended) and a cell that causes so much pain for me on a monthly basis. Once again, I'm pondering my future as a mother, and once again, I'm not thinking about sex just for the sake of sex. I hate it when I get like this.

I'm past the point where I'm unsure about everything, but I'm not yet past the point where I know for sure how I want everything to work out. It seems I have been hurt way too many times to allow myself to fully believe in anything and there is still that little part of me that wonders what will happen if things don't work out. Will he change, or will I change my entire social group and lifestyle just to avoid some conflict? Or, will we both be so masochistic we stay together in the same social groups, work together on everything, and pretend everything is okay when really, we are both seething in wounds that still yearn to be nursed? Back and forth, this little part of me argues, but given the right distraction -- or maybe it's me turning away from it and giving something else more attention -- it stops. I no longer care because maybe I'm so done and busy I can't ponder other things or maybe it's because I'm wrapped so tightly in his arms that I need to remind myself to breathe.

It's weird. There are times where I forget that I'm in a relationship. It's not like I start looking for attention or that I start to wonder who I could get, but there is just this overall sense of tranquility and euphoria where I am so used to how things are that I equate where I am with most of my life previously where I was outside of a relationship and still equally happy. Or maybe it's because with conscious thought, I could never give enough credit and meaning and value to the relationship and so my subconscious takes it over. Or, maybe in those moments, if I listened hard enough or thought hard enough, I could actually seen something beyond conscious thought.

It kind of feels like I should start over with this blog. Do a newer introduction to myself, something less attention-whore and a little bit more personal. I started this thing with the intention of maybe an audience of three people I actually see day-to-day and whoever else that would stumble into the blog and stay around. I now have maybe five people I see on a day-to-day and I don't care who sticks around. Maybe it's time to be a little bit more open about my personality and stop trying to cover tracks.

-Good Night, Sweet Dreams, I Love You
Scarlet Bloodmoon

I guess it needed to be said

2009-01-03T23:52:00.002-07:00

I love you. I love you for who you are and who you aren't, for what you have and haven't done, and for what you have been and what you might become. I love you not because you are everyone else, but because you are better than everyone else, and just as flawed as everyone else. I love you because you are better than, and worse than anyone and everyone and because I don't want anything else. I love you because I know that if you never change, I will always be happy with you; and if you do change, I can be equally happy with the person you become. I love you because you accept me for what and who I am and you allow me to be whatever I choose to be. You let me indulge in all of my childish habits and while you might make fun of me for them, I love you because you love those things about me. I love you because you're hopeless and ridiculous and I love you because you can become something great. I want to be there for you through everything and I want you to know that no matter what you could do, I'll always be there to support and love you. I'm proud of every thing you've acheived, and in love with every bit of you. There is nothing in this world or any other that could dampen what I feel for you.

Euthanasia

2009-01-01T00:33:00.003-07:00

Standing amongst a crowd of maybe two thousand as they all shouted and counted down, I waited. There was nothing really to wait for, the coming of a new year, the going of the old. As the crowd shouted "Happy New Year!" I choked back a sob. Why was it that in a huge crowd of people, I had never felt more lonely in my life? I couldn't concentrate on anything else to distract me, it just... 20 seconds from midnight, the crowd started counting; few people at first. Around 15 seconds, the crowd got more into it. I joined in. 13, 12, I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't speak, wouldn't trust my voice. I watched. What was it? Why was it?

December has been amazing. Umm...the first thing that comes to mind is my birthday. Around lunch ish, James took me out to a park and we had a picnic. After packing up most of the things, he slipped in mud, and we decided that he was basically hopeless without me. We fed ducks. After that, we went to book stores, wandered and eventually went home.

Umm...smoked cigarettes for the first time in my life. It was interesting...I guess. The weird thing is my mom says I am the type of person to get addicted easily. I've never really been addicted to anything, except maybe the endorphins from being with people or doing things with people. What else did I do? Nothing really...I guess I don 't do much outside of normal routine, eh?

-Possess me, Control me, Destroy me
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Thinking of You

2008-12-23T00:23:00.001-07:00

December 16th

Today would make it four months. A week from my birthday, the last full day of school in the 2008 year, and I got to spend two hours sleeping with him.

December 22nd - 11:48 pm

12 more minutes. I'm so excited. It took so long to get here, but looking back on it, I wouldn't want to change any part of getting to where I am. I've learned so much from all the shit and crap I've pulled through, put people through, thought and wanted. I've learned so much from all the people I've been with, talked to, met and never saw again. So, listening to the radio at almost 12, I guess it started a chain of thoughts: I've been worse, but I've probably never been better. I've had crappy experiences, but I've probably never been so happy. I'm better here.

People on the radio admitted a song made them think of their ex. They played the song. It didn't make me think of an ex. Tch. They aren't very noteworthy anymore. I was amazed. Really? There used to be times where I was so afraid that one day, I'd slip up and accidentally call out the wrong name. There were times where I convinced myself that I was so used to one thing that it was bound to happen eventually. Something changed. Maybe it was the day where I was laying in bed just pondering. Maybe it was the flutter of my heart when I silently called his name. Maybe it was the flutter that survived four months: longer than the flutter I felt last time. Maybe it just because I finally matured enough to realize I'm better than dragging a ball and chain, dragging emotional baggage that was long dead. I'm done. I'm finished with all of this stuff. I'm better than I was and I'm glad I had a chance to become a better person.

I'm so happy. I know it's probably ridiculous to plan on anything outside of immediate future, or to even want it, but I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to be this happy for the rest of my life, and I want to just live the rest of my life with this amount of love and emotion. It's been an amazing 4 months. It'll be an amazing lifetime.

-It's a world where everything is perfect and nothing you do can ever hurt me
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title from: Thinking of You by Katy Perry

Dystopia

2008-12-01T14:31:00.004-07:00

Nothing much for the month of November. Umm...Drama, giving up on high school, Jeremy dropped out, learned more about abortion and abortion laws than any other teenager, cried and was all sad face as every single gay-rights proposition was voted in favor of the heterosexual, and figured out how much my mom really loves me. I have a bit over three weeks until I'm legal and I'm excited. Seriously. I've had a huge craving for unsweetened iced tea recently...it's been weird.

I don't know. It's been uneventful. Today is a one-month-anniversary for something none of us thought would really happen, and I've started a secret competition and will try to one-up the male. James and I think I have a better chance of having sex with the female than the male ever does. I guess, in that new-couple way, they're cute...but a month later, you can definitely tell that the relationship is kind of straining. She spends more time with us than him...

Bella's in a new relationship. While everyone thinks he's like another Otter, he's more mature than Otter ever will be. Eh, I'm not a very good judge of character, but James thinks that this new one is just as immature...Might not leave her in favor of video games, but not worth settling down with. Ex-druggie smoker apparently.

It's been more than three months since I've touched weed. I kind of want to do it again, because seriously, I'm done worrying and caring...but I don't want to find someone to get it from. I'm also dirt poor, so I'm not seeing how this will work out. Eh, something will wok out.

Jeremy's been harshly critical of everything I've done and how I choose to do stuff. It doesn't matter that he's a hypocrit or that he is seriously worse off than I am, no. It only matters that I'm not perfect and that since he's the one pointing blame, I'm the one with all the fault. I'm the one that's fucked up because I still go to school and choose to take personal days to get over things.

Neh. So my licence is suspended until Christmas...and since that epic sucks and I can't do anything about it, I'm going to stop worrying about it for a bit and then go do that when I can. Fuck the system and their couches, I will be on the road one day, and I will fucking love it.

-Just one shot. Just one prick. Then it's all over
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Hamartia

2008-11-08T21:02:00.001-07:00

Spin my faster, spin me harder. You are my downfall.

It finally happened. We were caught. Is it horrible that the only real thing I was thinking about while they were trying to explain how hurt they were or how disappointed they were or how I was an ungrateful bitch, was that they should have parented better, listened better, and known just how much he had given up on religion and its rules. I lied so much tonight...Blatantly and shamelessly lied, and I have yet to cry. The only thing I regret, is screwing his life up more than he needed it to be.

He told me he loved me more than anything...twice. Once directly afterwards, and once again after I got home. I know that he loves me and I know it's not just some fluff that means nothing. And while I may be just a child and incapable of realizing what love really is (because I totally got that all jammed down my throat: we shouldn't be having sex because we don't know the true value of it. My ass. I know what love is and I know damn well that every ounce of devotion and care we invest in each other isn't just so we can continue having sex), I know that I love him too and that it's going to be really hard ending this relationship when we eventually have to.

The most pathetic thing that happened: his parents don't know dates at all. Maybe they were never filled in on the fact that we stopped dating for a month and maybe they never really got that we're more creative than they think we are, but their dates never matched up with what I had and they constantly argued over who had the right date between the two of them. Apparently, while I was still in Europe and totally single, his dad decided that we've gotten too close and needed to end the relationship. Yeah...they just sucked with dates.

So, for most of the night, mild acceptance of being royally screwed and quiet contemplation over how I was beyond this tangle of broken expectation -- I had already moved myself to planning to destroy every single request they had asked of me. Of course I was going to see him outside of school and of course I was still going to go about the same as I always did.

All through it, I stayed quiet. I wanted to make points, to interject, and to ruin their ideal son over and over again. I wanted to tell them that neither of us had been our firsts, and that their perfect little mormon son stopped being mormon years ago. I wanted to tell them off and make them realize how horrible of parents they were...but he still had to deal with them after I left and he deserved to do it himself.

I think at one point or another, I started shaking and just couldn't stop. A whole ton of stress and panic coupled with the annoyance of calling everyone I could think of that would drive me home, and I couldn't stop moving and shaking. And I think the only point where I was close to tears was when she brought up when we first started getting really close, before we ever started dating. Wouldn't it be an adventure to go back to when that had happened, to be able to try every different possibility knowing what I know now? Wouldn't it be exciting to know that I didn't need to depend on other people and live for solely myself and not need to prove anything? Wouldn't it be exciting to see where we would be if I hadn't been a cold-hearted bitch in June? Thousands of thoughts bubbled and collided with everything else. Most of the thoughts melded into a huge "I'm sorry for screwing up so badly and for putting you through this hell with me" while others were formed into bubbles of annoyance and mild distaste as I realized again and again that I would be happy if I never had to talk to his parents again.

The most hateful and horrible thoughts started forming: I would make a better mother because instead of focussing on making my child succeed where I obviously failed, I will actively devote my life to support and nurture them. The world and all of it's facets are theirs to explore while I'm nothing more than an old warning against my regrets and mistakes. I would make a better mother because I'm not like you and there is nothing in the world that would make me force my children into things or ignore their very obvious "rebellions" against what I wished they would do. I would be a better mother because I am me.

I'm so thankful that I've never had to grow up with a religion or harsh set of rules. I'm glad that I've never had to pretend and change for some community I had no interest in. I'm grateful for my childhood, my life, and my family. I'm happy with my life, my friends, and everything I've been able to have, do, and love.

-It's not a pain, more like a flutter
Scarlet Bloodmoon

I Think I Know What I Live For Now

2008-10-15T19:29:00.002-07:00

All through my life, I've always wanted to do something, accomplish something that I can look back on and know I've done something right or that I've changed the world in some little way. For all of my life, I just wanted to be an angel to someone...to know that someone loves me just that much. As high school came around, I've wanted to change the world even more, to be someone's angel. I've wanted to leave a little mark on the world. The past few days...I think I got what I wanted: I think I've become an angel.

Sunday, James and I left for Vegas. We got lost a little, found our way, drove a lot, laughed, talked, and had an amazing trip up there. We arrived at around ten that evening, went down to the strip and walked. Five hours later, we were in a hotel room and quickly fell asleep. We were planning on leaving that morning, but the car wouldn't start, so we walked to an Auto Zone, got starter fluid, started the car, drove to the strip, and walked some more. After dinner, when we were leaving, the car broke down about a mile from where we had stayed the night. Nothing we did could start the car. Defeated, we retreated back into the car. He was stressed as hell and more or less a wreck. At one point, I turned to him, shrugged and smiled. "You have no idea what you did there," he said, "you just saved my life."

"What?" There is no way he just said that...

"You just saved my life."

Fuck. More or less fully relieved, but still totally freaked out now. He reached over to lock the doors and reclined back in the seat.

After a bit of wondering what we could do, he called people for advice, and found out he had relatives in Vegas. Wow, that was convenient. As we waited for them to come meet us...it was definitely fun. We stayed the night with them while the car was towed into an auto shop and I seriously hope that by now, they know what is wrong with the car.

I've never felt so special...I've never had someone tell me I saved their life, I've never had anyone need me like that. I've never been so amazed at how a simple thing could make such an impact. I've never been so important to someone.

-Becoming a better person, one step at a time
Scarlet Bloodmoon

I Watched the Proverbial Sunrise

2008-10-08T00:07:00.005-07:00

I can't get into a relationship just for fun...I know that these things aren't permanent...and I don't get so picky. I mean, if my next relationship would be the one I had to stick with for the rest of my life, I'd actually be picky...I'd actually analyze, follow, and get to know this person to the fullest extent. I wouldn't be playing for challenges...I'd be playing for real...but life isn't like that and no matter what, I will still be playing for challenges. I will still revolve my life around these games I love so much.

Written in June, I was reading over this before something clicked. After talking everything out with James the other day, he asked if we had stayed friends instead of getting into a relationship the first time, would we have a relationship today. Would we have talked about as much as we did when I was in Europe? He thought so. Then yes. He asked if that was what really brought back the relationship, if he was the only person I really talked to. Yes and no. The amounts of talking didn't do it, it was getting to know him. It was realizing that I had played for the challenge the first time, and finding that he was perfect if I wanted to play for real.

That totally means that I've matured enough to consider things for real! That totally means that I'm no longer playing to maintain a pattern or to prove a point, I'm doing this for real. This time, it's real. I'm glad I'm changing. I know it's for the better and I'm glad that I'm finally becoming someone better than who I've been. Let's hope I'm never foolish enough to play for challenges anymore.

-My Life is Perfect
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title from: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Relient K

It's October!

2008-10-04T23:46:00.004-07:00

And normally, at the end of the month/start of the new month, I'd post something drabble with the password I've been using all month long as the title. Well, that was Imaginary...It was early, but it fit. The really sad thing is, my laptop charger committed hari kari and so I'm not using my laptop, which means I'm not changing the password, which means I am late! Sad face. September was amusing...lots of things happened and I got in so much trouble!

I don't know how September really started...well, the end of August was pretty silly. About a week into September, totally had sex everyday for a week. It was interesting. Was it towards the end of that week that I had finally died? What else happened? Seen more dry ice in the past month than I've probably ever seen in my life, had more sex than I've had in my life, been more honest than I've been in awhile, been more honest than I've been in any other relationship, been more open, been better in general. Oh, and I finally moved on. That was great.

So I told James I cheated on him. It was like 2 this morning and I've been really happy about it since. I mean, I had already told Bella most of the story, so it's not like it was still uber secret or something, and it was the right thing to do. I've been thinking about telling him for a month now, wondering when the right time would be. I'm so glad I can be honest and that I've matured enough to be a decent human being. It's so silly, he's the one person I am the most honest with...Screw storybook, fairytale love: this is what love is.

Homecoming was fun. Totally went to Walmart and Panda Express dressed up and then headed off to Dillard's just because. We wandered to Best Buy and eventually headed to school. I totally have to say that this year and Junior year are pretty much tied. The only thing that could have make junior year better was the fact that there were more people that I actually spent time with? And more people glowsticked at that one. And in retrospect, my relationship with my date hasn't deteriorated yet, so I guess that makes this year much more fun. And the really cool thing was, I made it home in time!

There hasn't been much going on. I guess in the past week, I've pretty much seen James like everyday and definitely talk to him online a whole ton. The main difference between this time and the last time we were dating is a whole ton more communication and a solid knowledge of how much I'm not corrupting him? Or maybe it's the fact that I'm totally over Cale now? I don't really care what it is now, and it's probably a whole conglomerate of all the things that changed between us, but I'm glad we had this chance to try again.

Well, my life has been epic for the past month and however many weeks. I only hope Karma won't be a bitch and take it all away from me...

-Always and Forever
Scarlet Bloodmoon

And A Year Ago, I Would Have Called Me Crazy

2008-09-24T21:55:00.003-07:00

I can't stop counting. It's been about a year since the last time my earth shook from the ground up and came tumbling down upon me. It's been about a year since my longest relationship ended and seriously, I can't believe I never moved on quickly enough...I can't believe no one slapped me around until I realized it...I can't believe I wasted so much time...and I can't believe how irresponsible and immature we both were about it.

The only bit I'm allowing myself is that there was never really any closure...or I lied to myself about it and hid it all. A conclusion wasn't reached until June and it wasn't until August that it all stopped bothering me. 10 months after meltdown, it wasn't a big deal anymore...If only that were like 9.75 months shorter!

I guess the whole point of this post was to acknowledge that it's about a year tomorrow...or really close, but it doesn't matter to me anymore...ME the person who loves counting down and making milestones out of nothing! It feels so cool. Of course, I didn't make it out alone.

I'm so lucky I have the friends I do, have the people who love me love me like they do, have the people who secretly want me keep that a secret. I'm lucky I have a place to go to if I need to, a place to hide if I need to, a place to tear away all the masks if I need to. I'm so glad I could be who I am with the people around me, and that I could hide if I truly needed to. I love that I'm so secure right now.

So, it was fun when it lasted, we had a good run, and seriously, I nothing you. I feel nothing for you anymore. There is no hate, no love, no devotion, no respect, no anger, no annoyance, nothing. You are neutral and until something amazing happens and you awe me, there will be nothing from me. I'm done with everything about you: Goodbye.

-Like a snake sheds her skin
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Imaginary

2008-09-20T23:02:00.003-07:00

The only realm in which you care.

So a little birdie told me that you brain wash and discourage people from getting to know me. Apparently, it almost worked for the birdie, until we started talking and getting to know each other. I seriously think you blew everything out of proportion. Maybe I'm belittling everything you blew out of proportion, but really? I'm a crazy stalker chick? I would yell at you for no reason at all? I'm sorry you have to feel that way to justify the amount of poison you've spoon-fed the blank minds of those around you.

And seriously, if there are people who will take only your side because you got to them first and you've had little heart-to-heart chats with them where I haven't, I don't need them and I don't need to build connections with them. In fact, I'm glad that someone told me this and decided to become my friend. I'm glad someone told me this and said you were just spouting bullshit.

If you seriously want to divide the school, have fun. I'm not playing any part in this warfare, I'm not changing the way I act or feel just because you're trying to isolate me. In fact, I know people go to you for advice, but do you really have to be so petty and advise them against knowing me?

Oh, I think people still think I hate them, even after I've told you time and time again that I don't hate them, and only resent them for stealing every single one of my victories freshman year. I truly believe that you're not telling people things and conveniently leaving out things so that they will isolate me and feed you this sympathy and respect for "dealing" with everything I put you through.

Thank you for destroying my chances of establishing connections with potentially successful people out of spite. You might not do it anymore, or you might still assassinate my character, but thank you so much for being a coward and never confronting me about any of it after the thousands of chances you've been given. Thank you for showing me that you really aren't worth the amount of time I try to invest in you. Thank you for making me regret actions I've decided not to regret and thank you for ruining how I see myself.

Through all of this, I'm only sorry I screwed over someone else all because of you
-Scarlet Bloodmoon

Euphoria

2008-09-16T22:54:00.003-07:00

And it's so totally late, but it fits better today than it does 16 days ago.

Today is a month. It doesn't feel like it...but it is. I've done things I've promised myself I wouldn't do, I've done things that I can't regret, and I've done things that make me feel amazing...in a harmless way. I see things differently now, I see things from so many different planes that it's not even funny anymore. Sex is no longer just sex, but has this mesh of different meanings and trials that you can't even feel, but are breached every time...But that's what's so much fun about it: it's almost impossible to fail.

It feels amazing to be typing this...but I'm tired, so I'm out.

-I can still feel your soft caress
Scarlet Bloodmoon

And It Seems Even More I'm Always in Her Shadow

2008-08-13T20:57:00.002-07:00

I don't know where this started or why I thought about it, but as I was passing SanTan Junior High this afternoon, I realized that out of my four exes, three of them I'm sure have liked this girl before or after dating me. I mean, the first one makes sense...he knew her first. He was closer to her, but was forced to get over her when she turned him down. The second one was totally obvious. He was like a brother to her...and she was just looking for fun. He so would. Third one...I don't know. He's just him that way...It wasn't surprising, it wasn't shocking, it was almost expected. It was...systematic in a twisted way.

I used to look up to her. I used to want to be as free and as capable as she was. After awhile, I realized that I was looking for the wrong things, that I would never be someone like her. It just wasn't my style to become someone else, a clone. After time, I stopped wanting to be like her, stopped liking how she changed entirely. But that's entirely not the point! For most of my teenage years, I wondered just how much I was like her and how much people associated me with her. Well, all of that doesn't matter anymore, none of that really applies anymore. I'm not her, I am totally my own person. I totally hate how it took me so long and so many people to realize it.

-That's it. I'm done.
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Pyromania

2008-08-07T17:34:00.002-07:00

Maybe it's not just combustion and physical fire that makes me happy and excited. I live for conflict. I've said that many times before, but really, I've never seen me goad and prod for conflict before. Wednesday, Socratic seminar. Totally went in unprepared, half the class apathetic and tired. I managed to play on religious, ethnic, and ethic points that most people would rather avoid. I walked out of that class happy. I was ecstatic that I managed to ruffle some feathers and invoke some emotion. I love getting responses from people. I've learned anger is the easiest one to invoke. You know, it was interesting. I got to the point where I would glance occasionally to the opposite side of the room to gauge the reactions of three people across the huge circle from me, but I mostly left my attention to the people I thought as easy targets: people who would be quick to anger, quick to respond.

I love fire. I love the large amount of spite and anger, the seductive and destructive curve of a flame, the passion and lust in a moment, the spontaneity of life, the energy-intensive and fast-paced informality, the colorblind destruction and unpredictability, I love fire.

I love the feeling of water against my skin. I love that hectic storm, the gentle and soft waters from a controlled source, the sluggish drag of the layers of it resisting my fingertips, the perfect way it molds to my body. I've always loved the water. I've always felt natural in it. I could never swim competitively because it would take away from the dedication and love I devoted to the water every time I was in it. I love the water.

Horoscopically, (so not a word, but I like it) I am earth. I nurture, I allow things to grow, I am the solid foundation upon which others start. I feel happy when others are happy, accomplished when someone else accomplishes something. I derive my happiness from the happiness of others, from knowing that I caused them a little bit of happiness. I need to please; it is how I know I've been doing well.

Really, the only thing I don't have, is the wind. I love the feel of it, I love feeling powerless under it, but I can't claim it, I can't hold it or worship it like I do fire or water. I can't embody it like I do earth. It is my missing piece.

-I Can't Imagine A More Perfect...
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Reincarnation

2008-08-02T12:45:00.002-07:00

July was very fun. I totally changed so much in Europe. Classes are fun, except for I'm stuck in PE and totally unwilling to lose any of my other classes to see if I can get into dance instead. BUT! Apparently, there is a 4th hour Stats class which makes me wonder why I'm not in Calc BC along with Stats...What?

So, I officially listen to any kind of music. ANYTHING. I used to be "Anything but rap and country." Nope. Not anymore. Now I'm wondering who is changing me. Well, I guess my brothers have a huge part in this...what with all the rap they listen to.

Eh. I feel this is going to be a really short post. Nothing really new happening...Definitely want to play the piano, but the keyboard is in Jeremy's room and I hate going in there, my fingerboard on my violin collapsed again. I could pick up the clarinet or the trumpet, but eh, not my style.

Random closing thought: Reincarnation was my password, and the hint was something like: "I can only hope that someday, it will happen." It did.

-"In perfect stillness, frankly, I've only found sorrow."
Scarlet Bloodmoon

This is my gift to you

2008-07-29T18:10:00.004-07:00

Today was pure torture. My first day back to school and imagine my delight to find that Cale has two of my classes. Well, I guess that comment was a bit sarcastic. It's his birthday today. I didn't acknowledge it the whole entire day, choosing rather to quietly seethe and wonder about other things. I started and ended this epic battle in my mind, one where I fought out whether I was going to acknowledge the day with some words. In the end, I chose not to. In the end, I decided that my present to him would be to continue to act as I had, to completely pretend that I don't remember all of the haunting things that have happened. I feel justified in it, but slightly disgusted at myself for being so...horrible.

I can suppose it's getting a little better...He said one thing to me today. Sitting in Stats, we were all separately working on a math problem, and while I desperately wanted to work with him and the three others around him (as they are fairly interesting and creative people who could add to the analysis), I sufficed to suck up the desire and pound through the math. He turned around to me and made a programming joke. I was desperately surprised, gleeful and a bit pleased, but still, I know I'm just settling for my small victories again.

Over the summer, while I was in Europe, I thrived for the conversation I would be having with friends. James and I talked a whole ton...about anything and everything. He told me to stop settling for my small victories and to aim for higher achievements. I have a feeling my small victories won't feel quite the same anymore...

The picture reads: "After we broke up you asked me to stop writing to you. I write about you to anyone who'd listen. I still love you, all of me." I think it's kind of fitting...that even after this large amount of bubbling of self-doubt and disgust, I still think of writing about him, of telling complete strangers about him, to engage anyone in some conversation about him. I wonder, truly do, if he lost his friends.

I Lost Myself

2008-07-19T19:14:00.003-07:00

So, from midnight till 4 in the morning, I was out clubbing. Two people from my Uncle's company/office invited Jeremy and I out for the night and Jeremy being the wild one who always needs to try something, accepted. I was included and hell, I went. For days now, I was done being proper, done with being so very pure. So, midnight, we hit a Cuban themed discotheque (as they are called) and a group of seven of us danced for maybe two hours. At first, it was a little awkward. The grown ups danced while three of us between the ages of 15 and 17 moved lightly. Later on, emboldened, I joined in. Jeremy was pretty much resistant the whole night so we just let him be. One of the people from work coerced me into dancing when salsa songs started playing. Finally, I let in, knowing that I'd probably never see anyone of those people again. Afterwards, we left to hop to a new place. We stopped by a coffeeshop and four of us started passing a joint around. It felt very different...kind of suffocating. I have to admit: taking plenty of small drags from the joint, I feel no different. Jeremy instantly got sick, like really tired and he threw up a bit. We decided he had too much and took him home. The rest of us went back to the first disco and enjoyed our time. I was really bold! This guy (total stranger) came up to me and smiled. I smiled back and in a matter of minutes (since everyone was doing some variation of the salsa), we were dancing. Like pressed together dancing. Like halfway through the dance, another came up to me, pulled his arms around me and I entertained that one for a little while. They left, work people came back from dropping off Jeremy, and after a bit, I was dancing with the same work person. At 4, the kicked us out. I had spent the better part of four hours dancing.

The thing is, I moved to everything. The amounts of techno they played, the rap, the salsa, the Bob Marley after we had come back from smoking a joint, anything and everything. The only thing I didn't do was dance with the 15 year old boy there. I kind of wanted to, but eh. Every little part of me was lost to this newer addition: an adventurous spirit, a careless and amused being. Cale got really mad at me once for saying I gave up on it all, but maybe this time, I really did. Maybe, I gave up on keeping appearances, on being pure or perfect or proper.

It kind of hurts to take deep breaths...and if I try hard enough, I can pull up a breath that tastes like marijuana. I'm so done writing. Night!

Eh.

2008-07-11T11:25:00.001-07:00

More general post being written at my other blog. Mr. Compartner, if you want, go check it out.

Pretending Someone Else Can Come and Save Me From Myself

2008-06-28T00:18:00.004-07:00

10:58 pm June 23, 2008

“’Cause you’re the angel in my hell.”

I had to steal it…it was too…fitting? No. Poetic maybe? Well, whatever it was, I just needed it. So I got back from Maryland/DC on Thursday the 19^th. I fell asleep shortly after getting home, taking time to greet family. By the way, I didn’t hug my brothers like I said I would…I definitely forgot until the day after. The first thing I did when I woke up, I got online. After that, I started writing…everything I did that I shouldn’t tell other people…secrets that are better unspoken. It was probably a bad idea to hard copy something like that, but I really wanted to look back in years and smile…I know I read over some of the stuff I had written in the journal last year and I laughed and it was just in general good for me to read through all of this stuff…to realize just how much I’ve grown or changed.

9:48 pm June 24, 2008

Really bad case of fantasizing…and wanting what I can’t have. I’m confused as to why I have to be like this. Why can’t I be a normal person and know when to move on? I guess as long as I keep telling myself that it will all work out in the end and all, I’ll have some fodder for keeping me amused and happy until it all falls apart or I forget all about it. I constantly try to justify things to myself that while it makes sense to me, I should think would never work. I don’t even know why this jumble of emotions and series of events happen to me…It’s just…I guess I never learned to move on. I can’t. Physically incapable. I still remember things about the small crushes I’ve had since the first grade. I found one of my crushes from the third grade online…I actually googled his name…

Speaking of Google, I tend to like to google my alias, see how much I’ve owned this identity. I’m silly, no?

12:24 June 28, 2008

The tiny things remind me of him. I realize I’m not over him, that the last time, I just kind of shoved all the feelings and such under a huge rug and pretended it wasn’t there. I’d catch myself watching him or trying to get closer, but I’d be in charge and I’d stop myself. This time, it’s gone too far. I’ve lost control. I’m actively trying, but it’s no use. I take any excuse to be able to talk to him…and even though it’s bad for me, I still do it. I still think about the past, I still remember every memory…I’m still here, living in the past and trying desperately to piece together a fantasy world that I shouldn’t be creating. I’m still trying. Why can’t I have an epiphany like I did all those other times that makes me realize that I can still be happy without all of this self-induced emotional abuse?

And, as I’m writing all of this, I still wonder if you’ll come back and read my blog. I still wonder if you’re tempted to read the old conversations we’ve had or if you’re tempted to read that journal. I wonder a lot, don’t I?

Rather short blog this time. A page in Word. That’s okay. Nothing really new. Just found out that I’m shameless on the internet. Eh.

-I've Never Been Perfect, I'd be Lying if I Said "But Neither Have You"
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title from: Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park

Waking Up to the Green of Your Eyes

2008-06-19T23:00:00.003-07:00

May 22, 2008 10:37 am
It’s been an interesting week…In English, we wrote letters to the students next year, giving them advice and basically what we wished we knew before we started. Well, in my small hand writing, I wrote a full page and four lines of advice, reflection, and pondering about how everything this year has changed me. I wondered how the much I had changed, how many different groups and people I became attached to, how many people I hurt and broke. At the end of the “letter,” I realized so much about myself. I realized how I got through things (great friends and partners) and how I changed in how I saw people. I realized how much I grew up, how much responsibility I can handle, how much challenge I look for and how much I can take. I realized a lot this year, I’ve changed a lot this year, I’ve become so different. This morning, I realized how different I’ve become, I realized how many things led me to who I am today.

Last night was interesting. I discovered we had no butter in the house and thusly couldn’t bake or make dessert type things which then made my brothers disappointed. My parents left and got an after-dinner meal because they felt dinner (which my mom made) sucked. I had another surprising conversation with Cale, and truly couldn’t analyze why things are happening. It was all…thrown into perspective for me.

May 22, 2008 11:22 pm
I finished most of my physics Rube Goldberg project, so I’m going to let the electrical sit and be finished tomorrow.

May 23, 2008 4:55 pm
I started writing in James’ yearbook today. I got five lines down the page, realizing I never said anything about the relationship at all, and had to leave for class. I handed it off to senior friends he wanted to have sign, so I never got to finish.

June 19, 2008 12:42 pm
Because this seems so…insightful and important to figuring out who I am…I’m adding to it after all this time. I mean, here I am, sitting at an airport on my way back home. In this boredom, I’ve read through my old files and such. 11/4/07, I wrote an entry into a dreamlog thing that I start and forget all the time. I’m surprised that I don’t even remember anything about this dream at all. I mean…It’s like a faint and old thread that I can’t really touch in fear of it dissolving in my fingers.

I don’t remember all of it, nor do I remember what led up to this point, but I do remember being on top of what seemed like a hill. Green grass and gravel paved the hill, and for some random reason, we were dancing. It wasn’t any real form of dancing, nor was it one I’d ever danced, but for a brief moment, we danced. Everything stopped then, the music and all the people with us disappeared as I fell to the ground, laughing and enjoying these last moments of being a child. Either I sat up and you sat across from me, or I was now standing, you looked at me with almost surprise. “You should have told me.”

Shocked and confused, I stared back at you. I’m not sure what conversation passed between us, but I was yours again, and I couldn’t have been happier.

No matter how deep I try to dig, no matter how far I go back, I can’t remember the dream. I can’t remember the music, the dancing, the person I was so happy to be with…Sure, I could guess, but it would be nice to be able to remember.

We have an interesting friendship. Last night at the hotel, after coming back from the memorials and monuments in DC, Cale and I just sat around, chatting and laughing. I love moments like this: moments where I forget where I am, how much I’ve cried, how painful tomorrow will be, and how mean we’ve been to each other. These happy moments, I don’t pay attention to how much I’m telling people, how much I’m opening up to the world. These moments, he makes me laugh. He makes me comfortable…he’s one of the only people I can actually cry in front of, one of the only people that can make me drop my guard. I love those moments.

On the other hand, we have moments where I don’t know how to move on from that point. We have those frustrating moments where anything else would have been easier. In these moments, life seems to stand still. We’re in a world where nothing exists but this conflict that we need to get over. It takes awhile to get out of those moments.

(Random fact: More people have sex in the month of June than any other month)

I don’t know why I had to include that…just saw it somewhere and thought it was interesting…you know? Like, what about the month of June makes people have more sex? Is it because it’s a lazy-esque month where the temperature is really too warm to do much and so they just enjoy the company of someone else? Hmm…

So, on Tuesday, I got a call from a friend that was traveling with James that week. Said mutual friend asked if there was anything ill going on in our relationship. I cruelly cackled in my mind, knowing that I was going to end the relationship soon. “No,” I replied, nothing was really wrong, it had been that way since the beginning…They were concerned because when they had come to visit, I was in the bed with Cale. It was okay to tell him anything, because he was a friend and only trying to help. What was going on? I had been acting a little weird since I got here. And as I stuttered answers and dodged telling them the real story, our teacher knocked on the door. I opened it and she immediately launched into an instruction on what we needed to do and what needed to be done. I hung up without saying goodbye, leaving both of them to wonder what was going on with me and I haven’t heard from him since. The next afternoon, I was single.

So, I’ve decided that I’m going to stay single for a little bit. Probably until college or something far off in the distance…I don’t want to have to deal with someone while I have no idea what I’m doing with myself...when I’m so afraid of even thinking of saying “I love you.” Lilith/Vixen thing was really hard to control this trip…what with so many people that she could potentially have (well, far from home, who cares right?) and the fact that it was a trip down Memory Lane right after another with Cale constantly around.

It is now 1:54 pm Mountain Time and really, there isn’t much more I have to contribute. All in all, this was a great trip, one that I will enjoy over and over again. The sad thing is, what parts I did not enjoy, being single isn’t one of them…

-I know I’m a horrible person
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title From: Hold My Hand by New Found Glory

God Help Me...Wait...

2008-06-17T20:20:00.004-07:00

I don't have a god...

So this is the third day and second night in Maryland/Washington DC. The first day, getting to the airport, getting to the hotel, getting to our rooms, I realized that I was having so much fun with these people, that no matter how hard James was going to try to spend time with me, I wouldn't enjoy it as much as the time I spend with my NHD group. Most of these people I barely know. They are people that I know of, have heard things about for all of my schooling around them, but...I had never actually spent real time with any of them outside of class. So, getting here and quickly bonding with the three of the NHD kids and spending even more time hanging out with the three and Cale, I wanted to keep this trip to NHD kids. So, furthering the impending doom of my current relationship, I basically ignored and nonchalantly dodged through every attempt James made of trying to spend time with me. Well, I could have handled that one a bit better, but I didn't care. Basically, out of our five, there were two girls and three boys. We had two rooms, split by gender. The first night, Cale and I left the other three in the boys' room to finish our website or face the dragon-wrath of our teacher and eventually, after I was so frustrated with the whole thing and Cale started getting drowsy, I made him lie down on the couch (pull out bed thing) in our room while I sat on the bed trying to work a little more. Finally, at 2 in the morning he was officially asleep so I pulled the blanket from the bed, spread it over him and went to bed. We woke up a little before 7 and prepared to head off to meet the rest of the entire group. We went to Capitol Hill, the Supreme Court, and the Museum of Indian Americans. After that, we had an impromptu trip to the National Air and Space Museum. It was fun, a lot of walking, and a whole ton of rain on the way back.

Definitely happy about the rain. I had brought an umbrella and ended up lending it away as I enjoyed my trek home through the rain. It was pretty...all the green soaked in tiny drops of water, the slightest movement would send millions of little drops of water crashing down to the floor - or my face, whichever was underneath.

The rain cleared up shortly after we got back to the hotel. The three went swimming until they came back and headed off for the NHD dance. As much fun it would have been to see what seemed like socially inept children "dance," Cale and I were lazy and helped one of the three burn DVDs and watched TV. By the end of the night, we all ended up in the boys' room, forcing one of the guys to retreat to the girls' room. Slept late, woke up lazy and didn't want to really get out of bed. The Sofa-bed thing was comfortable though.

Next morning (Tuesday), we all had our competition interviews. Cale and I were to go first, and after rushing out the door, getting lost, and having an interesting and amusing trip, we were a little late. We actually ran into one of the judges looking for us. It was pretty entertaining. The interview was alright: they were overly nice and knew quite a bit about our topic. Cool. We got back, watched tv and Angel, got food, watched more Angel, other three got back, watched more Angel, walked around a little, planned to go to the movies, didn't...came back and watched Game 6 of the NBA Finals (not much into sports...so if I botched that, eh). I've been inactive all day long and it feels really relaxing. We ordered pizza for dinner, I broke a plate, washed even more, and now, I'm doing this.

So, here comes the analysis: I've realized that I've dragged a dead relationship (tch. I avoid spending time with him...I choose Jeremy's company over his this summer!) on for too long, I've lost a conscience, learned some secrets, kept secrets, told lies, told the truth where I never expected it, tole more truth without batting an eye than I've ever managed with this person, and gained some more friends. I've had laughs, I've cried, I've beaten myself up, I've realized so many things, and I confused myself. I wouldn't trade what happened over this trip for anything...it's all of it that defined the trip and giving up a bit of it would ruin the reality and truth in it. I realize just how horrible I am, just how much I've wanted certain things, certain liberties, certain allowances. I've come to realize that it's more than being bored in this relationship, it's more than not being physically attracted to James, it's more than not wanting to ruin his innocence. I don't want to bother anymore. I can't get into a relationship just for fun...I know that these things aren't permanent...and I don't get so picky. I mean, if my next relationship would be the one I had to stick with for the rest of my life, I'd actually be picky...I'd actually analyze, follow, and get to know this person to the fullest extent. I wouldn't be playing for challenges...I'd be playing for real...but life isn't like that and no matter what, I will still be playing for challenges. I will still revolve my life around these games I love so much.

So, I realized that worry and uncontrollable fear feels like. It's not like nightmare fear...more an insecurity that you are helpless over. There's this creeping feeling that moves to the pit of my stomache, pulling and twisting to the point of discomfort. It's the worst feeling I've ever had, worse than the pain of anything I've ever had before - they were all physical. And the thing is...I think that's what I've done with my guilt. Instead of feeling guilty and such about things, I get this creeping discomfort, the manifestation of emotion that I've banished from my concious mind. You know...I've realized just how brutal, cold and heartless I could really be.

You know...I'm sort of writing this so that when I'm in college or out of college in the future, I can come back and look back on everything I've ever thought, everything I've ever done, and I want to be able to smile back and realize that he was right: I have grown as a person.

-I Need To Stop This Carousel Before It Throws Me
Scarlet Bloodmoon

P.S. I really like my password hint: "The sad thing is, I only do it to watch the soft fibers melt in the flames I later apply"

Chauvinistic

2008-06-14T23:30:00.003-07:00

Sorry, definitely overdue and such, but that's how I've been lately. I'm writing this as I'm trying to stay up till I have to leave for the airport at 4 am. There hasn't been much to write about, to analyze, to laugh about. I mean, I could go on about things that I haven't told anyone, hoping that the anonymity of the internet will save me, but then what's that to my readers? I could talk about my exciting trips I have coming up, but then I feel like I'm bragging. I could talk about how much better I've been getting with...friendships, reigning over my demon, analyzing people, taking my pride to extremes where it's not my true sin anymore, or anything along those lines.

------
Damn, I have the cutest little Jack Russell Terrier ever
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I live an ironic life...the people I ignore end up the most important to me over and over again. The people I've wanted have either become unappealing or a possibility that will never be likely. People that have at one time avoided me now confide in me, and the people that become the closest always end up annoying me. I guess it's just one of those things, though, you know?

We all have some pretty deep and twisted secrets, most of us have piles and piles, and others have one or two that they never realize are secrets. Wow...thinking back, I definitely have my share...and what the hell? Let's share some!

You know what's horrible? I really want to consider taking up every offer Silver has made to me. We should hang out this summer, gaming and such. We should get me as drunk as possible and strand me in the middle of Tempe once I turn 18. I should go bug him for a tour around the college he goes to, it's a beautiful place. The saddest thing: I really want to know how good he is...Maybe this is just hormones and the whole "being fertile and looking for sex" stage of this month, but I haven't been this hot-blooded since...I don't even know. And the coupe-de-grace on this ugly mess...well, there are two of them...he's dating someone and knowing that stings a little bit, and secondly...I have a boyfriend...who I won't let close enough to have sex with.

You know what? Thinking back, I really have to challenge Bella's judgment in things. I mean, she's in a relationship doomed to failure, but here she is criticizing the relationship potential in general of guys that she's never spent more than a week with. Or how she thinks that by getting into a relationship with Napoleon, I will become even more cynical and cruel, when really I'm not going to change very much. I love how she assured me that this relationship is the safest bet I have, and look where I am now...I'm bored and I think he's too easy to take down. I can't imagine ever moving past where we are now, and still, I joke just as easily about bondage and sex with him. This isn't good for me. I'm quite sure that if I were in any other relationship, this wouldn't be the main problem. What really started this whole rant though, is the fact that I told her about the lack of growth in this relationship and the first thing she asked was if I had any back-up plans in mind. Well, she wanted to know who my next potential victims were. I had one in mind, someone I could laugh with, someone who I rather enjoyed spending time with, chatting with, but really, knew that is would never work...Not to the best extreme. The first thing out of her mouth was negative. "He's not a good boyfriend. He's not worth the time. He's poison." No, she didn't really say that, but hey, she implied it. She wouldn't know! When was the last time she actually spent time to talk to him? When was the last time she actually spent time at all considering his character? Oh right. After he broke up with a person she really couldn't care less about, but still pretends to coddle. I gave up...I really started to lose my respect for her now. It's really hard to see why so many people could stand to pretend for so long...

I like having a lot to say about things....Well, for anyone interested, I have a new blog, one I plan on sugar-coating so that it is acceptable to people. This one is being hidden a little bit more, but only because I don't like having my shit hit the fan. Maybe, once all of these people are out of my life...(like I go to an out-of-state college, but neh) I won't hide anymore...

Blog = http://lilithrogue.blogspot.com

Final update (as I'm typing this June 15, 2008 2:21 am): I'm leaving for the airport in less than 2 hours. I've been up so far...maybe I will fall asleep on the plane...maybe I'll just pull an all-nighter thing and be up for...36 hours when I get there...or something. Beats jet lag!

-Is There Something Wrong With the Way I Treat People?
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Processing Emotions: This May Slow Normal Run Time

2008-05-18T21:00:00.002-07:00

It started with a simple statement: "Friends are people who will pick up a phone call at 1 in the morning just because you couldn't sleep and have a lot on your mind you would like to talk out." From there, since I can't let anything go without trying it, I wondered who would pick up a phone call from me in the wee hours of the night. And from there, I started wondering if the person I want to spend the rest of my life with (and through large amounts of being cynical, he remains faceless and nameless to me) would go further than that: would he come find me and make me feel better if I ever needed him to?

When I get like that, there is a suffocating feeling, like I'm drowning in all of my pondering and there is nothing that can get me out of it. I still function, but I do it at a much groggier pace. I'm working at 110% and something's slowing me down. It feels like something is slowly picking away at my heart, the numbing anesthetic I had pulled over the fragile emotions blocking most of the pain and discomfort, but I can feel something pulling at the tissue. I can feel what I know as truth fall away and I'm actually confused for a little bit. Eventually, someone notices that I'm gone too long, that I'm missing and they come and look for me. Throwing out a lifeline, I grab hold and try to amble back to shore. As soon as I touch land again, I go back to being the evil, cynical, and cryptic person I tend to be.

It's through these little musings that I realize my life is pretty much set. I realize that there are people who will pick up the phone at 3 in the morning, even, just to comfort me. I realize that there are people who pay attention to the small details about me, the details that I thought only I would take the time remembering. I realize that my relationships with these people are better than the relationships and friendships I have with normal people: every single one of these people who excel at making me happy, I have an abnormal friendship with. I realize just exactly how well I have it all.

So, I watched Juno for the second time tonight. I don't know what it is about the film, but it makes me cry every time. Maybe it's because I really want to be able to find someone like Paulie Bleaker, someone who just knows things without being told. Maybe it's because I realize just how many people I shouldn't even consider worth my time...Maybe it's because I want things to be that storybook and no matter what, they will never be.

So I realize that I am a demoness that thrives for physical contact. I feel best curled against someone, within someone's embrace, having someone stroke my hair in that manner where it's like they put their whole heart into a single motion of their hand. I love collecting stares and compliments, I love innocent kisses on the top of my head, I love light nibbles on the tips of my fingers, I love the little things that seem to mean nothing. I seem to love being worshiped, but at the same time, I want to work for that look in their eyes, the one where it looks like they want to settle me onto a pedestal and just...ravish me. Oh, and I love it when they play.

-Building Hybrid Fantasies: Please Insert CD 3 to Continue
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Poetic Titles Escape Me At the Moment

2008-05-16T19:13:00.004-07:00

I hate teaching Bella how to do math. I'm used to people wanting to learn, wanting to finish, wanting to get it, or people who want to take advantage of me. Those who take advantage of me, I let. They are pitiful people who just need to get points. Okay, fine. Bella tries to take advantage of me, but most the time, I lose what temper I seemed to have before she could milk much out of me. Today, she was sitting, doing trigonometry homework during the 30-minute period we have as "conference" and it wasn't until 10 minutes in did she actually come over and start on the worksheet. She sat on the ground, taking her time, fixing details before diving in. She got three problems done. If I really wanted to, I could have finished all of it in that 30 minutes. It's not that she's bad at math, she just refuses to learn because "she has a crappy teacher." Well, my brother is in her class, and he's doing just fine. I mean, yeah, he has questions, but it's because of the way the teacher teaches. You learn it on your own in his class, you have to ask questions. Bella says "teach me" and waits for me to step-by-step lead her through the homework. Oh, did I mention that she had a full page of notes that if I had, I could have ruled the world with? Seriously, she had all of the information. What could I teach her? She just didn't have the effort to devote to effort.

I realize I move too quickly through everything, but instead of stopping me and asking, she asks me to slow down and repeat. This makes me mad. Don't tell me to repeat it. I know there are two conversations going on around you, but you have to listen to me! Don't ask me to repeat or explain again, tell me to list the steps I skipped.

She's always looking for confirmation. I hate doing that. I want people to just work in silence and if I see a mistake or discrepancy, as I tend to work alongside you if not faster than you, I will ask you to explain how you got to that step. Most of the time, they are wrong, but if I'm not the "tutor" in the case, I could be wrong too. "That is sin, right?" (By the way, she says sin, not sine. It bugs the hell out of me.) I get sarcastic. Half way through the sarcasm, I decide that it's not helping at all, she's just going to fall into a pit of even more self-doubt and questions. "Yes, that's sine." I don't even know why I bother sometimes...I swear I'm just setting myself up for disappointment every time.

But anyways: it is my youngest brother's birthday today. He is turning 8. He's so much fun.

But enough of my ranting. We all know I'm losing it. The most interesting day this week was Wednesday. Robotics was a failure, and since I had AP testing, I decided not to go. Silver, being the mentor, drove down from Tempe, and finding out that there really was no meeting, didn't take it very well. Making the best of the situation, he asked me to meet him at the mall. Okay. I drive people home because I said I would, and then drive to the mall. It's been like an hour since he made plans with me and I feel like crap.

I meet him towards the entrance of Barnes and Noble's. We wander around the mall, hitting all the interesting stores upstairs (Spenser's, GameStop, Game Daze, Atomic Comics, The Puppy Store) before going to the Apple store and the Sharper Image store downstairs. All through wandering the mall, we'd have poking wars or he'd tickle me. I'd fall against him and he'd push me back. He would pull me against him and hug me. It was good, clean fun. We passed by Fredrick's (the lingerie store) and he comments on how he's passed the store with so many females, but none of them have ever offered to model anything from that store for him. We laughed at this misfortune, commenting that it was likely that he'd be forty, married and with children, and still, she wouldn't model anything for him. After a lot of wandering, we wandered to the food court where I realized that I probably shouldn't eat because my parents were expecting me back for dinner and would be sorely disappointed if I didn't eat. Silver laughed at me, telling me that I should just tell them that I was having dinner with a boy. Yeah, because that would make them like me more.

So we wandered to Subway and all through it, he was offering to get me something, and when I turned down cookies and chips, he scoffed at the dietary habits of women again. I laughed along and rolled my eyes. I stole half of his large thing Dr. Pepper at dinner, which was basically a session of question-answer that led to more anecdotes and stories. After that, we returned to Barnes and Noble's where we found GnomeMaster (that was so his screen name for so long...) who was an acquaintance that graduated last year. We chatted, talked about college (well, they did) and everything. Every once in awhile, a customer would come by and said acquaintance would help them before returning to chatting.

At 6:15, parents called and demanded me home, so with quite formal goodbyes, I took my leave. I half-listened to Silver quietly slip away with a few "glad to meet yous" and "goodbyes" and was wary of the fact that he was creeping behind me. He tickled me, so laughing, I pulled away and then pulled closer again for a hug. We walked to the door, and at the sidewalk where we had to part ways, I hugged him goodbye. He picked me up off of my feet and while I was giggling a bit, kissed me on the cheek. We parted ways.

Anyways, that was it. Ooh, so I've finally joined Twitter after so many people have been talking about it. ^_^ SBloodmoon.

-To Memories, To Change, To the Future
Scarlet Bloodmoon

100 Things About Myself

2008-05-13T20:52:00.002-07:00

I realize that most other blogs have one of these, but I thought this was a valid way for me to analyze myself or ponder aloud about things while my readers get to know me. This is me, this is what I've been wanting to say to people, this is what I want so many people to realize...This is your window to what really runs through me.

100 Things About Me:

1. I hate myself for not being about to make up my mind
2. It’s easy for me to hate the people closest to me (outside of family)
3. I still want my ex-boyfriend to be as happy as I wanted when we were going out.
4. I fantasize about things that I desperately want, but will never have
5. I doubt my abilities to get to where I want to be.
6. Nothing makes me feel more sexy and confident than when guys beg.
7. I’m too playful for my own good.
8. For the longest time, I “ignored” how far (physically) I’ve gotten with people.
9. Technically, I lost my virginity when I was 16.
10. I’m really a nymphomaniac most of the time, I just hide it well
11. It’s really hard for anyone to turn me on through physical means
12. No matter how many times anyone has tried, I have not died at the hands of another
13. In a roundabout way, I can say I loved/love giving blow jobs
14. I thought my previous relationship was perfect, and was proud of the fact that my best friend’s relationship seemed to be falling apart while mine was flourishing.
15. If given the chance, I would not get back with my ex…It’d ruin things
16. I like my mother more than I like my father
17. I make myself, knowingly or unknowingly, want what I can’t have
18. I also live life from challenge to challenge. I need something there to keep me fighting.
19. I kind of hope he still has the journal I gave him for our six month anniversary and hope that he will read through it again one day.
20. I feel left out from all of my friends when I’m single. Everyone around me is happy with a significant other, and I’m stuck sitting alone…
21. I was considering a relationship with almost 7 different people, but I will never really get the chance to ever start any of the relationships.
22. I have no second thoughts on dressing in the skimpiest things I could ever own
23. I am known for dressing like a Japanese school girl just for fun
24. I live for conflict.
25. I have no problem in sacrificing people for the greater good, I’d never personally sacrifice someone though
26. I’d be fine giving blood, and I love watching the needle go in, I just hate the feeling of weakness I get afterwards
27. I have so many masks, I don’t know who I really am anymore
28. I like bragging about how busy I am, so I find distractions and reasons for me to “get involved”
29. The most interesting contest I had with any boyfriend was a “trashy romance” write-off where we shared one of our sexual fantasies
30. I made bets with him so I could persuade him to do sugary, romantic stuff without having to ask for it.
31. Sometimes, I wish life was a little more “No Strings Attached”
32. Any use of second person outside of my blog probably refers to my ex
33. I’m picky about my weight and won’t settle for anything greater than 115 lbs
34. I’ve never smoked pot, but I’ve been in a room full of people smoking, so I bet I’ve been high before
35. In fact, I’ve never smoked, but my lungs are probably tarred up anyways because my dad used to
36. I hate the smell of cigarette smoke, and when Jeremy does smell like it, I can’t stand it
37. I’ve never been fully drunk…
38. And I really want to find some really close friend that would never judge me and get drunk with them so that I know how I react when drunk.
39. The first thing I plan on buying when I’m 18 is straight out of a sex shop just because
40. I don’t like risking it when it comes to people – I’m thinking someone might really like me, but I don’t want to call them out on it.
41. I think half the time, I’m just looking for sex, but the other half, I’m trying to reign in my Vixen.
42. I’m proud of being a nerd…and while I might not be the best nerd, I take pride in knowing that I’m the best damn female nerd around.
43. I really want to go to a college where the male to female ratio is ridiculous so that there are like…10 males to every female.
44. At this point, whichever college gives me the highest scholarship, I’m going there.
45. I cave easily into suggestion…especially if they know I hate saying no.
46. I really don’t think I can finish this with 100 valid points.
47. I still have a slight crush on this guy that I had liked since I was 12. I am 17, it’s been five years, and through all of my relationships and adventures, I still think I want him a little.
48. Sometimes, I wish I could be strong enough to really hurt people.
49. I am three weeks into a relationship and I think we need to talk…
50. I love sappy and romantic movies
51. But I also love watching people being blown to bits or killed in unimaginative ways.
52. I have a really weak stomach for torture.
53. I’ve had very little chances or offers to get drunk…I’ve turned down all of them
54. The most amusing present I gave myself was a pair of fishnet stockings and a garter belt
55. I like dressing up only to be able to tease people about it
56. I don’t like telling people things, I want to show them.
57. I’ve had a bouquet of roses for five months, sitting on my desk. Every time I glance at them, I wonder if any of my ex boyfriends would have given me flowers.
58. Of all the times my boyfriend has asked me to name a prize, I always pick the small simple things. I know I can ask for more, but really, I just want old skeleton keys.
59. I would like to think that I am very low maintenance.
60. I still sleep with a stuffed bear I got on Valentine’s Day of 2007.
61. I don’t think my best friend could ever really comprehend the full depth of some of the friendships I have with the people around us.
62. She is still convinced that my ex boyfriends are sent from hell and refuses to consider it otherwise.
63. There is one exception. She didn’t really know either of us when we were dating.
64. Out of my past relationships, there is only one friendship I have with my exes that I would like to change
65. I love quoting my writing
66. I love leaving little hints in hopes that someone would come and read them and ask about it.
67. I am an awkward beginner, but given time, I can master anything.
68. I will listen to any music at least once if someone suggests it to me and I respect their opinion and suggestions.
69. The best way to interest me is to start talking about literature or music
70. I love the way a cello sounds
71. I get really mean when I’m tired.
72. I hate that people wish they had my body. I hate my body. What is good about it?
73. Anyone who wishes they had my body forgets that I am 32A, have a horrible BMI, and desperately need to exercise.
74. The most meaningful conversations are the ones where he makes me realize just how powerful I am
75. For the longest time, I’ve always wanted to start a band and write a song
76. I would have played the bass and sang because it’s not expected.
77. I love defying social norms
78. Sometimes, I’m afraid of my own reflection.
79. It always looks like I could cry at any moment
80. I am quietly prejudiced against almost anything.
81. I love helping people through their problems. It gives me this feeling of use.
82. I’m afraid of letting people into who I really am if they don’t need to be.
83. I do a lot of stuff out of convenience
84. I need to have control over what changes about me or I’m stuck hating myself
85. That is why I dye my hair in weird colors
86. I’ve always thought I was invisible, even among all the achievements I’ve received.
87. I can’t be a horrible person to those that have burrowed into familial status
88. I have enough self-doubt to think I’m a horrible role model.
89. Answering questions allows me to realize the important things that lead up to finding the answer.
90. I love it when people ask me questions
91. I take small victories. It sounds like settling for less, but I think it’s me trying to keep from falling into despair.
92. I get good at analogies when analyzing people
93. I love herbal and soapy scents.
94. I have something against floral or fruity scents
95. I feel powerful when people I don’t know turn to their friends and ask why I do things
96. I should suck at giving advice, but people still come to me for it…
97. Incompetence or lack of skill bugs me
98. I’m ticklish
99. I prefer the company of guys than of girls. Guys just have a way of making me forget my insecurities.
100. If you haven’t noticed, I hate myself, I have low confidence and self-esteem, and the only reason I keep going is because I can pretend and act like another person.

Conspiracy

2008-05-10T20:14:00.000-07:00

So, let's get analytical. As horrible as it may sound, my relationship is wrapping up its third week and already, I'm wondering about potential vanilla cakes. To be perfectly honest, this one has been at the back of my mind for...seven months. I don't really know how it'd work out (as I haven't really tried to run through what I believe a simulation would be like), but this is just one of the people that just appeal to me because of the fact that we both enjoy torturing a mutual friend. I mean sure, it's deeper than that, but sometimes, it just feels like I want people for the sake of a challenge. Who knows? We shall see.

In other news, my mother suspects me of being bulimic. I don't know...She's weird like that. We went out to Ikea and I bought a new bedspread (black...for the large amount of not messing it up I plan to do *cough*) and a denim pillowcase I plan to seamstress and transform into a bag. Yesh. I also bought a vase and I was planning on presenting to my mother tomorrow for Mother's Day...Poor soul has to work that day.

(Side note, I feel fat...not sure why, must be the amount of exercise I'm not doing...)

You know, no one is truly tempting in the way that I just have to jump them any time I see them. My demonic and mischievous side has started to get desperate and is no longer picky as to who she attacks, as long as they are slightly attractive...which ironically means she will not attack my boyfriend...but it's not like there is this one special person she has set aside for...pursuit. I'm not going to lie, the more time I spend with Snake, the easier he is getting...He's too desperate for anything that he'd cave into anything I'd ask. I don't know why all of these boys have to be so easy...I mean, where's the fun in the chase if they don't even run?

I think that the way I analyze people is different from the way normal people think. If I were any of the people I tell things to, I'd be acting different around me just because of all the things I've told them. I've confided in people that I need challenge, but they still let me win. They still make things easy for me, they still come to me for help. There's nothing wrong with them coming to me for help, but these people don't have anything I want in return. I need someone to compete with, I need someone to beat me in things. I think that's why I still quietly compete with Cale. He's not going to stop trying for my sake, so he's one of the only people who actually give a fight. It's always been about the highest score or the best compliments. It's always been a friendly competition.

Just by providing me with your habits and the small things you do, I can tell just how you will act to certain things. I know I can read people. I know how people act and how they are used to things. I know that Bella and Otter are afraid of change so they are still in their relationship. I know what to expect from people, I know why they do things. Isn't it scary to know how the human mind works to this degree? Isn't it scary to know you are right about things you don't want to be right about?

-19 Dried Roses, Would You Have Added More?
Scarlet Bloodmoon

This Is Why You Are Horrible

2008-05-08T18:28:00.004-07:00

I'm dedicating this whole post to conveying a message to someone. I don't know, I have a whole ton of these things saved somewhere, but none of them will ever see the sun. This one, though...I want him to see this one:

You know, I think there is something wrong with the way you tell people you can't stand the relationship anymore. I don't know if it's because I got tougher afterwards, but you soften the blow too much and in the end, when we figure out it's all a lie, it makes us feel weak about it. We don't need to be coddled and treated like we're glass when you let us go. We think it's cruel that you would try to soften the blow for us. It's lying...We don't like it when you lie. I'm sorry, I really respect you, but you are a horrible person when you lie. I realize that you feel horrible about yourself about going out with someone right after breaking up with someone else, but if that was never your intention, that isn't a problem. Your problem is not wanting to hurt us. We can be hurt. We can handle the truth. We promise. You are horrible only because you feel you need to protect us -- and you do protect us -- even as you're pushing us away. We just can't stand that kind of connection.

-I really need to find some pseudonym thing for you...Haha, you are Cale. You are now Cale.

Which, by the way, the "we" in the whole post...yeah. I was talking to someone...they have just about the same feelings. You're smart. You can figure out who she is.

Yes, this is a short piece, but...I'll make it up to you. By the way, you need a pseudonym too...FoC isn't too...creative...hmm. Haha, I'm reusing Mr. Compartner...

Proud of Something I Have No Right To Be Proud of

2008-05-05T22:07:00.004-07:00

Once again, Pride takes over the general mindset as shocking news is learned. There is a moment of suspicion, of realization, and then of hoping that I was wrong. I mean, I kind of knew it was going to happen, but I never thought it would happen now. Something was off that morning, and it took realizing that he wouldn't even look at her or pay attention to her while she was bent over her desk in what seemed like discomfort. It wasn't the realization that tickles me with pride...It was the fact that I still hold a record.

I kind of want to know why it happened, but at the same time, I'm just going to accept that he feels things are different and thusly needs to get away before he starts hurting himself. It's always been like that for him, so I can see it happening like that. Anyways, moment of pride that I hate myself for having (not about the breakup, but about something a lot more...trivial?), but that's just that.

Moving on, I realize that we're really starting to develop a friendship. A real friendship! Sometimes, I don't know how I would react if I were still the annoying and clingy thing that I was before, but most of the time, I don't pay attention to that time of my life anymore. I'm just really glad that I am where I am...at least in this case.

I think I finally got rid of one of my...problems. Snake was shocked out of his skin the afternoon after he tried horribly to flirt with me. It took a moment to brush off and then flaunting a relationship in his face to break his concentration...and then his hope. I was dropping him off at his house, and all along the way, he was trying to play with me. After brushing most of it off, I finally told him I was in a relationship (because all through that day, I could have sworn it was really apparent that I was dating James) and he backed off like I was the plague. I couldn't help but laugh.

Through a lot of it, my vixen enjoyed it...wanted to play harder, you know. Some part of me was still as disgusted and just as I had ever been. I guess the whole "emotional relationship" thing is killing her...in the way that makes her mad and acts up all the time...She's really hard to kill...dang! She's hungry and I can't feed her...and there is no way in hell I'd allow anyone else to feed her. Whole ton of conflict there.

Ooh, new addiction: Raspberry Ice TOGO packs. They make a really great drink...

Anyways: This was a shorter piece, but I needed to finish an assignment. To sum it all up, I'm proud of things that shouldn't matter - I'm like the only one actually keeping score and it should all go away anyways, but I refuse to let it die; Snake is officially out of the question until I am single again (and my dad wonders why I hop from relationship to relationship. I hate playing, this keeps me from it); and my vixen is the hardest thing to ignore a lot of the time...Have I really come to depend on physical contact way too much?

Ooh, side note, no I haven't, Bella clings, I just need...treats.

-It's Been Ranty, It's Been Fun, It's Been Real
Scarlet Bloodmoon

PS - I strongly admire someone for being...so detached when bearing bad news. What does that say about me?

PPS - Last month's password was Conspiracy.

I Fear For An End To The Mayhem

2008-04-27T19:28:00.003-07:00

I have to confess, this seems like the end to a slight and very short run for my journal of exploits and scandal. I doubt anything noteworthy would come from my current relationship so all this blog will become would have to be a place where I can rant about the things that bug me about my best friend (who still doesn't know about the blog...and as time goes on and I destroy her character online, I don't want her to know about the blog. I don't want her to know that I want to staple her mouth shut on some occasions and want to shout at her for assuming she's so good at things when I know I could find six year olds who can do the same quality of work) and flutter all over the fun and exciting things that happen to me. I have to confess, this is the end of the chronicling of the silly things that I do for awhile at least.

...I don't know if how I worded my post meant I was planning to stop writing, but I see now that I can't stop. There is something that grows inside me every time something exciting or silly happens to me and I just have to write. I itch to write about the things that bug me or the things that make me proud of myself. I want people to be proud of me and the only thing that I hold that really does that is this blog. I don't know if I feel proud of every moment, but I know that moments do come here to show the online world that Scarlet Bloodmoon is a force to be dealt with and has these proud moments. This blog won't die because I have no more scandals to write about. This blog will crumble when I don't have the time to love and care for it. So until I cannot, I will write like this blog is my child and my words sustain and feed her.

Never to fear, my loves, I will not stop indulging you on the critical and cynical musings of Scarlet Bloodmoon

-I'm Sorry To Leave, But Nothing In The World Can Keep Me Here
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Now I Wear The Biggest Smile

2008-04-21T22:06:00.006-07:00

Life is fine and dandy with Scarlet right now. Wrapping up two days of not being single anymore (eventually, I will stop counting...) and all I can say is "Damn, I am one lucky girl."

I'm not going to lie, Bella and my relationships tend to have fairly close "anniversary dates". Her anniversaries are on the 24th and mine was the 31/30/29/28 (end of the month I guess). Now, mine are the 19th and she still has the 24th. Apparently, it takes people towards the end of months to gather up the remaining amount of doubt and just ask me out.

Talking to Otter on Sunday and with Bella in the car, we finally started telling people James and I were going out.

Bella: "They're official now, by the way"
Otter is confused.
Bella: "Scarlet and James, they are official."
Otter: "Oh! Finally! Took him long enough. I asked him about it not long ago, it was like 'so what's with you and Scarlet?' He said 'we're just friends.' Jeez, took him long enough."
Me: "Like the better part of four months?" (It's true. We've been spending too much time together since January 5th for Robotics.)
Otter: "Well, it's only been really bad for the past month and a half."

It was kind of amusing, because looking back, yeah...that was when it all kind of started to seem like a relationship. That was when we started diving head first into spending EVERY day with each other. *Shrugs*

You know what's silly is now Bella says she'll feel awkward and like a third wheel around James and I. The only thing we've added to the random amounts of silliness we do is kissing...and fairly prolonged hugs. I mean, I've had to endure seven months of her talking about a boyfriend and her being with her boyfriend while I was single. Now that I have a relationship with a person who spends more time with me in the past four months of not dating than her boyfriend has in the past six months of dating her, she feels like a third wheel and needs to remind us that she's sick and tired of us being close. Every time we're being cute and silly and just leaning against each other, it's "Stop making out!" or "Stop making babies!" Okay. First off, you're the ones running off to your room, locking the door, and turning on the TV. Does that not scream "We're doing something (or rather, each other) that we're not supposed to?" We're not making out, we're not making babies (does it look like we're hurriedly undressing just to put on a show for you?) and we are not going to stop being annoying like that. Just because you're not getting "You're so cute" every other ten minutes doesn't mean you have to snap at us because I'm getting compliments.

I also hate how Bella gets so offended when James and Otter pretend to be gay for each other. "Sloppy seconds" comments are tossed around and Bella pulls this offended pout thing and tries to rope Otter to her side. Seriously, I'm laughing at the two, egging them on because it's hilarious. Bella is complaining because Otter apparently is spending too much time with his other friends. "What? I thought you loved me," she would say, sounding wounded. Another sloppy-seconds comment and she would pull a deeper pout. Rolling my eyes like a ninja, I step in and make the "I'm getting sloppy seconds too, just shush" comment and James laughs at it. He knows how much chatter goes on behind her back and how many people just want to like smother her some days. In fact, we do most of the talking and the needing to smother. She just cares way too much about having a perfect boyfriend and just needed a male enough to settle with anyone and crave to fix his every flaw.

I find it hilarious that James had to force Otter to spend time with Bella. Seriously, Otter had the choice of Guitar Hero 3 for the Wii and spending time with her. It's obviously not going to work well if someone else has to force you to pick your girlfriend over a game that you have at home. They've hit a year, three months, and a day and seriously, James and I were joking about sabotaging the relationship because it would be easier for all of us. Bella would find someone who thought like a girl and could give her all the attention she craves (and she craves more attention than a newborn) and live her happy and romantic life while James and I wouldn't need to hear about how horrible this new guy was because he will be essentially perfect. I personally think Bella is afraid of change so she won't leave Otter, but only went out with him because she was desperate for a relationship. She ended a relationship at three months because he wasn't the best for her, and now, Otter is starting to act a lot like the other one. I'm thinking one of the other reasons is that they've bonded physically to a point where it'd be awkward afterwards. It's gone past a point of return and it'd tear apart a group of people. Hey, I think we should have bets as to how long this relationship is going to last.

I was different. I apparently attract really good guys. Sure, there are some bad ones, and most the time, I know when they are bad and most the time, I know I'm not serious, but they could be. I had a really full relationship before this one and when that ended, I pulled away, was immature, and got back on the horse. This relationship...he's a nerd. He's a very well-rounded nerd that can definitely teach me a lot. Musically inclined too...I win. Sure, I sort of settle with what I get, but I'm also apathetic enough to ignore flaws...and that's a personal character flaw. I tend to ignore too much sometimes. I don't want to change them, I just want them to acknowledge me as someone more than sex or arm candy and actually give as much as they want to take. I also tend to date really close friends, people who I've gotten to know. If they pass the qualities test, they are in for the picking.

I'm not going to lie, I have (and already two days in, it's kind of sad that I can already tell) a better relationship than the one Bella has with Otter. Sure, James seems a tad clingy, but I don't mind. It hasn't been suffocating yet and it's comfortable. I couldn't care, he's musically inclined, a fantasy/sci-fi nerd, and in two of the clubs I'm in. He used to play cello and upright bass, and really, he's just...wonderful. I really think that I hit gold on this one. It's so easy to tell that James is the kind of boyfriend that Bella had wanted out of Otter. He's constantly there and it almost seems like he's reluctant to leave me.

-Patience, My Love, Is A Virtue
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title From: Misery Business by Paramore

Pride...

2008-04-19T22:01:00.006-07:00

I've decided pride has to be my worst sin. I get small bubbles from time to time, and when the big guns hit, I get way cocky. Friday was fun, and that day, I hadn't seen James until...third period. I was carrying a huge poster board thing so I had to have people hold doors and alert me when I was about to smack someone with the board. Well, Calculus went alright, I half paid attention and still understood the lesson, but neh. As class got out, James and another friend were waiting outside the door for me (and well, another girl too, but eh.) We joked about how he let go of the door when I was heading out (which was an amusing tangent) and then headed off to lunch. More being cute and making people mad when we got cuddly, and then lunch ended. James walked me halfway to physics and it was an amusing class. We had a test that we all later learned we failed the last two questions.

Class ended and I traveled to meet a group of people. James was a little late, carrying an extra backpack. It was Bella's who was just behind him. We trekked to our cars and just before we got there, I wondered aloud where my keys were. James commented that they were probably in the ignition, joking about it. They were. We laughed at how silly I was and it was a good thing that this was the Mormon building so no one would steal it. We went to the library, pulling into the parking lot. We stood around and chatted with people until they all went away. Then, James and I traveled to his house and was greeted by his mother. We watched August Rush and The Illusionist which was fun. August Rush pissed me off because of all the musical inaccuracies and storybook ending and The Illusionist was fun. I had already seen the end, so the whole effect was lost on me. After that, Bella was done cooking with her grandparents for Passover so we headed over to her house and left for dinner. We went to a Mexican restaurant we had previously went to with another friend who moved to Texas. It was alright, but not good. We decided that we weren't going to go back.

After going back to Bella's house, we lounged around for a long time, reading off interesting lists of top tens and trying to watch a movie. My parents called, angry and a little bit rawry and demanded I go home, but lazy, I stayed there, curled against James. Eventually, I offered to give him a ride home (since we took my car from his house) and then headed back. My parents got even more rawry by the time I got home and took away a lot of conveniences. I picked up a few things in my room, ranted a little, chatted with James a little, and then went to bed.

Saturday morning, I woke up to my dad yelling at my 16 year old brother for playing video games. He then came into my room and told me to clean up before I left for a science fair thing. I told him that he should tell my 14 year old brother that he might not be picked up at 8:40 like we planned the night before but probably closer to 10. He yelled at me and called me selfish and trying to manipulate the situation and I called him selfish for not considering Daniel and making him suffer for something the didn't do. I said that I could commit suicide and he wouldn't care. Then, he threw me out of the house for threatening him. I was out the front door in a camisole, jeans, and had no shoes. Fed up, I walked to Bella's house. Her parents had went out to pick up Bella's younger sister and when I got there, Bella was asleep. I went downstairs for a little bit and played with the dogs and finally, went to wake her up. I cried a little while telling her that I ran away from home and then we went downstairs for food and TV. We started the Libertine while she went to take a shower (and really, that was an amusing movie from the half that I saw). Her parents came back and we talked it out a little and they decided to kidnap me for the day and take me out to a musical with them. Before the musical started, we went to a really nifty store called Buffalo Exchange or something along those lines and Bella and I managed to find shirts and pants for a dollar each! Exciting! I got a pair of bondage pants that we all thought were very amusing. Score! They had really cute skirts too, but they were too big. Bella said I was mean for complaining that the skirts were too big. Eh.

We went to Gammage to see Sweeny Todd and while it was an alright musical, the instruments made me happy. The storyline was hard to understand with the way they did everything, but I liked it...for a high school calibre play. It wasn't though...

Dinner was interesting. We went to downtown Chandler to a brewery and sat down to eat. Bella and I split two appetizers and then her and her sister decided to wander so I followed them. We ogled the lingerie store slightly and lamented when the bridal shop (with interesting dresses) was closed. There were some spiffy shops in that stretch. We headed home and then changed clothes. James showed up soon after and we dropped off Bella's sister and her friend and went to a friend's birthday gathering thing. By the time we got there, half of the people were leaving (eh.) and so we hung around until her sisters left and then went to the park.

The first four people there got onto swings (which was fun) and after not wanting to walk on the wood chips, James carried me to the sand. Otter almost commanded James to take his shoes off and so I was transferred to Otter while James pried his shoes off. Protesting and wanting to be let down, Otter tried to make me uncomfortable by pretending to drop me. Jerk. Well, he finally set me down and James wandered over from the wall he was leaning for support on. We decided to play Hot Lava Monster and we did for awhile. Some of the people weren't very good and so basically, people would get into a spot that was kind of hard to get to and then sit there. James and I claimed the space leading to the spiral slide and we stayed there for awhile.

After a whole ton of holding hands and being couple-y and cute, James leaned a tad closer and conversation ensued:

"Hey [Scarlet], I've been thinking...This is practically a relationship."
"Yeah," We were talking in hushed murmur-esque tones so anything sounded like I was hanging to his every word.
"Do you want to make this a full relationship?" Here, my mind was screaming. This was the one person I focussed on getting, the one person I thought would be hard to get. He was the one with commitment and trust issues (well, probably not trust, he said he trusted me). No way. Someone pinch me.
"If you wanted," I replied. To me, it sounded nonchalant and apathetic...like I couldn't care less. I smiled, trying to make that feeling go away. I really do care!
"I really do." NO WAY...this is just too good...
"Okay," I was giggly at this point.

So, that was the giddiest conversation I've had in like...four or five months? Yeah. Silently rocking out because I am no longer single and I've only really told one person. I have a wonderful life! Yeah, so we then spent the rest of the time like...attached. It was just silly.

On the way home, (since he drove us around) he let me drive the huge minivan thing he brought along. It was so very amusing. I was going around 65 on a 45 mph street at one point. We laughed about it. We laughed about a lot of things, really...At my driveway, we both got out of the car (well, he had to get to the driver's seat, right?) and so as I was leaving, he gave me a super long hug. We "planned" something for the next weekend ("since I've seen you for three weeks straight before.") and finally, after like...three minutes of not wanting to leave each other, a random tag out of nowhere (haha it was funny), and at least two "I love you"s, I turned and left him. I guess, in a way, I already do love him, but so far, I've just meant it as an extended friendly thing. I know he's good for me, I trust him, and I'd give up anything to help him, so I guess, in another way, I love him. I don't know, what does Love mean? There were so many places where, going back, I could have easily kissed him or he could have easily kissed me, but I don't want it to go that quickly. I mean, sure, we could say that we've been really close for a longer time, but I don't want to repeat past relationships that were definitely flawed. The evening was silly and fun, and I'll see him tomorrow though, so it's not like harsh.

-I Never Thought Tonight Would Be Like This
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Have You Ever Noticed, That I'm Not Acting Like I Used to Do Before

2008-04-16T20:51:00.004-07:00

Almost a week since the last time I've told you about my life...

April 7th was another of my brothers' birthdays. We didn't do much and the only thing I really remember of that day was that I bought my ticket to the prom. Tuesday and Wednesday were half days where we got the afternoon to ourselves, so Bella, James and I had an adventure. Otter joined us on Tuesday, but wasn't there Wednesday. Wednesday, James went to rent his tux (and called me and asked for an opinion while I was on the highway back from Scottsdale) and my mother took me out shopping. Thursday was an eh day where nothing really happened. I must have gone home early that day. Friday, I went to James' house after school and his mother played with my hair for a little bit and did our makeup. I later hung out with Bella a little bit and we got manicures and pedicures. We wanted to go see Prom Night, but neh, it was late and I had to be up early the next morning. James was working at the theatre we passed as we were making decisions, we so could have visited him. Saturday morning, I woke up at around 5:30 and put my laptop on its charger. I kind of went back to sleep and 20 minutes later, one of the kids I built a website with called to make me email all of our files to him so he could back it up. I got up, dressed in my business formal outfit thing and sat around and waited for the clock. At 6:40, I left home and headed off to a National History Day competition up in Fountain Hills. Eh. Got there, things happened, we presented our website, we went out for lunch, and I left early and got home in time to pick up Bella and head over to James' house so his mother could do our hair and makeup for prom. We finished after the boys came over so they were couped in James' room while we were finishing up. We eventually left and headed to Bella's house and we dressed and got ready before people came and took pictures.

Dinner was amusing and fun and the boys managed to kick all of the girls out of the table so that they could chat chit for a little. The girls came back slightly amused and giggling, returning to our spots before. Eh. We got back in the car and drove to Mesa Marriot. Halfway towards it, to where you could see it, I remembered where it was (con was just there) and commented. I think I caught little attention and since no one was really there, nothing came of it, just some lewd in-the-makings comments. We got there early and was like second in line, so we stood around, played a little with poses and joked a bit before they finally let us in. Before we were inside, they stamped our wrists and one of the teachers doing it was surprised to see me in a dress and decided that he had to take pictures. James and I went to bug one of our teachers last year and talked to her about her Prom-baby quota for this year and we laughed as she told us the couple they were aiming for didn't even show up at prom. Wow. They played Every Time We Touch, so James and I wandered to the edge of the dance floor and were crazy like always. Bella found us a bit after and we all danced. Went back to talk to teacher before she forcefully shooed us away. They played their first slow song as the announced the king and queen, so half way through, James and I wander back into the main room and he asks me if I want to dance. Shrugging, we dance. It was entertaining. I can't say it was as victorious as my dance with DJ my sophomore year, but I definitely was jealous then and not now. More wandering, more destroying things, and eventually, we wandered outside and sat down for a little because the bass was seriously trying to kill us. Second slow song and then they kicked us out. They played Sandstorm (which I hate Bella for wanting. Seriously, you don't appreciate electronica if you listen to or enjoy Sandstorm. We tried so many times to explain that to her, but she never got it) towards the end and we all danced again. All in all, it was fun. We got out, dropped off DJ and his girlfriend and went to Denny's. ^_^ It was fun, got back at like 1:30 and crashed at Bella's. Woke up late the next morning and started baking. I swear, Bella doesn't know how to follow recipes and half the time, I swear she was screwing up the batch of stuff. I was permanently washing out the used stuff to reuse and she had control over my mixer where she instantly pushed the speed to full and made a mess...sad sad. James had come over to help us bake, so it was all fun.

Monday, after school, I went to pick up Andrei after school. Nothing really much happened after that. NHS induction where I started getting pissed at Bella because we had a long list of errands to run before 6:30. I got there at around 6 and we didn't leave until 6:20. Umm...Excuse me? She was playing a video game well after I got there and here, I was expecting to come in and out. Gosh! So I stayed away from her most of the night and chatted with those who would approach me. I had to drag her home afterwards because my dad had almost put me on lockdown. I don't like Bella for some reasons: she's always wasting my time and seriously needs to learn the meaning of sacrifice. I used to wait outside in the cold for her every morning she would pick me up and carpool to school. I sacrificed my comfort for being on time and convenient. She can't even sacrifice a game for me. She complains of everything that doesn't go her way and seriously needs to stop caring so much about EVERYTHING. We can't all run the world, babe. Monday night, I talked to James about how much I was starting to lose my respect in Bella, and so he's now one of the only people who really know how much I hate my best friend.

Tuesday, I went out to lunch with James and it was one amusing anecdote after another. He bought a giant thing of iced tea and in the last period of the day, drank all of it. Classes that day were okay, not too amusing and conversational at best. James is really distracting when I don't want to do work...After that, we dropped people off, taught me a little how to drive manual, and then hung out with Bella and went to dinner and dessert. It was entertaining and all, and James and I had a stale mate in chess. I swear, neither of us were really paying attention throughout the game.

Wednesday, we had a robotics meeting and after that, we met up with people and we chatted and learned about each others' pasts. Eh. Nothing much really. We all went home relatively early that day. Bella finally got online and we had a short chat before she needed to shower. James and I kept going at it and such. Great fun.

Thursday, classes were okay. After school, I tutored Otter and then left to meet Bella and James for a treat and then went back to Bella's again. We watched an episode of The Big Bang Theory and I loved it. James and I had a huge game of tag and we left somewhere around 5:30. I went and bought gas, $13 worth of random stuff I kind of needed, and condoms (which I definitely don't need, but really wanted for some reason or another). The greatest thing was, it was all on my mother's credit card. Hee hee.

What's really silly is the amount of physical contact that James and I have established as a standard. It used to be occasional, but now, it's like we're always curled together. Bella's already confronted him on the subject of asking me out (seriously, everyone is matchmaking us) and the way she reported it to me was the only thing stopping him was his commitment and trust issues. Well, not trust issues, because apparently, he trusts me. That's fine. I can wait, this is fun in itself. All of it just feels like a relationship, the only part that's really missing is the part where we cutely throw around "I Love You"s. I've been getting a lot better with not playing with people and in fact, I've stopped caring about the other boys. They aren't as perfect as I want them to be and you know what? I've dropped most every game I've had.

I really like talking to James...both of them. My friend that I've started the whole cake analogy with is a wonderful person to talk to because he's always there to provide humor and I feel I can tell him anything. We think it's because he's three years younger than I am and thusly harder to pass judgment. The James that I've been obsessed about for the past ever is just so...easy to talk to. He's like an outlet that I can talk to any time and he'd listen...he's good at listening. In a sense, he's kind of the personal part of my blog. The things I don't tell my best friend when it comes to my adventures are posted here and the things I don't tell her when it comes to emotions and how much I want to beat her sometimes gets passed along to him. It just feels so good to have someone to confide in that can actually give me advice. I'd always been too proud to go to the people that I knew would listen, but now, I've needed to cry for attention, and he gave me his. The most unexpected people still will come to help if I ask for it, and I'm just really glad that there are people around like them. I'd be so lost without everyone.

-Confrontation Will Have to Come
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title From: Ecstacy by ATB

Eh...Landscaping

2008-04-10T22:37:00.002-07:00

You know what is silly? There are moments where I swear James pushes to a limit where I’m not expected to back down. In my hopeful moments, I wonder what he really wants and proceed to speculate freely (and oftentimes, it’s quite embarrassing to catch myself like that). In other moments, I shrug it off and wonder why he’s pushing his face so close to mine. Forgetting the moment, though, I stare into his eyes and wonder how I would act in a relationship with him. I’m not going to lie, after high school started, I’ve started getting more needy and physical. I mean…being the shallow and horrible person I am, I wouldn’t have any bit of a physical relationship with James. That’s why there are chocolate cakes and pieces of candy that I can freely take in. Well…somewhere, I think one of the reasons I’m so into the idea of a relationship is because deep down, there is a strong desire to prove that I am fully capable of an emotional relationship and somehow prove that I am the perfect girlfriend and can settle for the minimum…not that James is anything less than a wonderful guy.

There are moments of weakness where my little demoness wants an extra inch or two and snarls like an angry wolf when I rein her in tighter. I feel the random urge to give into this physical side where I set my demoness free and let her terrorize the male population. There are moments where people get close enough that I want to act out, but I’ve never let her go that far. I react to other people taking the initiative, but this time, I’m not starting anything. If he wants to kiss me, he’d have to do most of the work! I don’t know, there’s just something about the way I need to make myself appear to James, though, that keeps me on my best behavior around him. I mean, yes, I still make comments and think of these horribly raunchy thoughts, but I am better in his company than I am anywhere else. I don’t play as much and I am a lot more reserved. I knew he’d be good for me…

I’ve spent enough time with him in the past four months to really mean something, and recently, EVERYONE thinks we should start dating. I guess sometime between one of my last rants and like…yesterday, we’ve been lumped together as a couple for prom only because it was convenient and we were both going as singles anyways…Eh. It works. Bella thinks that it’s definitely obvious that I’m obsessed with him, so obvious that her oblivious Otter knows it. Well, then, wouldn’t that mean that eventually, I will get a direct approach thing so that I could stop obsessing?

Ooh! Side note, I got an application at Harkins, so I will fill it out eventually and turn it in. Eh. Not top priority, but sure.

I beam with pride every time he pats me on the head or says I did a good job. There is a level of knowing I am awesome every time he laughs at something silly that I’ve done. I’ve always been one to take small victories, so these small things really make me happy, you know? I’m finally getting my moments and when Bella is far away, there are comments thrown around that basically places me above her. I’ve never competed with Bella – ever. Not when I picked up an ex boyfriend of hers, not when we were both in relationships and life was all dandy and lollipops, not when we’ve competed together in competitions: she’s never been a real threat.

On this note, Bella’s been having a bit of turmoil in her relationship. I’m not going to lie; I’ve never submitted myself to this torture where I cared enough of how my time with a boyfriend was spent. I was glad to have time with him (especially after my parents went into lockdown mode) and it really didn’t matter what we were doing. Towards the end, I could have run on pure conversation. I didn’t need to see him. I was happy to see the amount of love in his eyes. I was flattered to know the privy things about him. I was amused when he presented me with cake. I guess most of it came from the fact that he was too mature for his age and whatever he did made me feel like he thought about me. He gave me a level of dominance that made me feel powerful and sexy, and so much flattered my ego and boosted my confidence that I just couldn’t stop and keel over until a new relationship after that one broke off.

I kept looking for that one hit of power and dominance. I kept looking for that one person who I could play with that would make me feel as fulfilled as he had. I never really found a person to do that, but I did find a number of people who would come to me for “favors.” I don’t want someone to keel over and wait to be abused, I wanted someone who would play along but let me get top for the sake of letting me feel powerful. I wanted someone who would let me think I had control and then easily take it away and dominate me. I want to be flattered and proven powerful and sexy, but I want to be submissive at the same time. I want to feel their power, that overwhelming force that I could take solace in, that I could be wrapped in and feel nothing else but their power over me. It’s kind of weird. I want to be worshiped and served a little, but on the other hand, I want them to strip me of all power and prove to me that they are worth running to when the day goes bad.

I swear I would so be into bondage and being tied up. I would love to be pinned down and held powerless as he slowly tortures me…Wow, that was a tangent…

I’ve stopped looking for the next game. I am happily and actively involved in a small-scale game where I try to be the cutest I can and casually interact with James, using slight amounts of physical contact. I mean, there are hugs (because I give most everyone hugs) and select moments, I choose to rest my head on his shoulder or pull closer to him or rest my hand in the crook of his arm (which is adorable because he’s way tall and it doesn’t really work that well). We’ve just gotten to a point where we’re being cute and annoying the heck out of everyone around us for not making sense at all. We randomly greet each other with “Good morning, how are you?” at any time of the day (especially past noon) and such. Life is just silly.

Eh, nothing much else to talk about I guess…

-It’s Still An Obsession
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Clip The Wings That Get You High, Just Leave Them Where They Lie

2008-04-06T16:40:00.003-07:00

My weekend really started on Thursday. My car was booted at school that day and after a bout of lying to the lady I needed to lie to, she finally got the security guards to remove the device on my tire. My friends gathered around my car for a little bit while the security people were removing the thing and while the two guards tried to figure out how to use the key (ridiculous, no?), James, Captain, Otter, and another kid walked to the other side of the parking lot. Something exploded when the foursome were halfway across the parking lot, far away from the actual explosion. After walking to where they needed to go and walked back to investigate the explosion. Come on, they're teenage males. Did you think they wouldn't? So, after noticing that there really wasn't much to it, they came back to where I was and just as I was about to pull out of the parking space, a lady called them back and directed them to the office. Long story short, they were accused of setting off an explosive and the administration (as crappy as it is) tried to get me to incriminate the four of them and even tried to get them to confess to it. For two and a half hours, it was just nonstop, hardcore trying to get them into trouble. They eventually got off with no punishments, but there was a police report filed. They had their Miranda rights read to them...Sounds like fun.

Bella joined us somewhere along the lines and the six of us eventually met up at the end of it all and discussed it through. Getting the whole story straight, another kid joined us. By this time, the straggler kid and Captain had left, leaving Bella, Otter, MoMo, James, and I. We all piled into the bed of James' truck and just sat and chatted about stuff. Otter left relatively soon after that. We talked about the blatant homosexuality of the football team and other stuff (where we all realized that I had the cleanest childhood and was really the luckiest one out of the four that remained). We eventually got out of the parking lot and Bella, James and I headed over to James' house so that he could drop off his car and we could head off to Tempe for a presentation at the Gammage theatre.

We got dinner from a place called Cornish Pasty which was really good. First sitting down, we arranged ourselves so that Bella and I were sitting on a side of where there was a bench and James was across the table on a chair. I was on the outside and after a few comments, James was coerced into moving to our side. Score! Physical contact right? Well, it wasn't that much, and really, all I did was start a game of tag...The dessert was pavlova, which is a meringue with whipped cream and fruits. It was yummy, and since I'm such a whipped cream whore, it was fun. (The story behind that: after random events where James was present, he came to the conclusion that I rather enjoyed whipped cream. In fact, it got to the point where we joke about me having - for example - waffles with my whipped cream instead of my whipped cream with waffles.) So, we decided that by the time we were done, we weren't going to make the presentation, so we just walked around Mill for a little bit.

We drove down to Mill, where Bella was sure I was going to kill us all with my driving, and started at an interesting clothing/ness store called Urban Outfitters. It was fun and we stopped and flipped through a book where action figures were arranged in interesting ways. We then headed to Hippie Gypsy, where we swore would have every parent pull out drug tests after being in there and they had the cutest stickers and signs. After that, we trekked to Borders and then back to a random Sub Deli place. It was just about 10 then so we started on our way home. Heading back, we stopped at Basha's and got stuff. Dropping people off, I returned home.

Friday, after going through school, I stayed a little bit after school and got home at 3:30. My baby brother (of 7) got home shortly after I did and imagine my surprise when he came in and cursed my brother (16 on Monday) for forgetting to pick him up! I got a few things done and in an hour, headed off to Bella's house. I called James (we were planning on catching a play called Triangle) and somehow worked it out so that we'd all meet back at my house. Well, when I got to Bella's, she was asleep-ish on her bed and kind of distraught.

After coercing her out of bed and into clothes, a string of events happened and she was distraught over Otter and the fact that it seemed like an unbalanced relationship. James showed up at the door and I was downstairs to let him in. We paced around downstairs for a little bit and listened to Bella's sister and her friends play Guitar Hero 3 before heading upstairs and setting up a game of pool. I won twice only because the 8 ball hated James and eventually, we just gave up and retreated for the sole chair in the loft (that's where we were). He took up most of the chair, but I was perched on the armrest. Wrapping an arm around him for support, I was delighted when his hand grasped mine (This is where I get silly and girly...). Eventually, Bella's sister came over and told us that Bella was crying and that we should probably go see if we could do something. We decided that I was better suited and so I went.

Bella and I talked a little bit about it, but we mostly skirted around the main point. We decided that the night was more of an "indoors" night anyways and called James into the room to redo the plans. James eventually called Otter and chewed him out about being a horrible person and we decided that the day was Bella's - whatever she wanted. So, we went out for a little bit of shopping for stuff (and even though we didn't buy anything to throw and break), we got back with soda and sparkling apple cider. Dinner and then I put a bottle of sparkling apple cider in the freezer, turning to James and instructing him to remind me to take it out later.

An hour later, I realized that the bottle was still in the freezer and nearly leaped out of my own skin to make sure it didn't explode in the freezer. It didn't. In fact, it barely froze. There were little bits of ice, but other than that, it was fine. So, pouring cups of it (into plastic cups no less, that was amusing), we sat down for another movie. Before we started, Bella called Otter and then disappeared to another room. Okay. It got a bit quiet before Bella's sister and friends came down and the dogs started barking and stuffs. Okay. We went upstairs to play another game of pool (which lasted significantly longer) and James won this time. My mother called and told me to get home, so I finished the game of pool and chatted a little with everyone before heading off.

Saturday was relatively tame in comparison I guess. I woke up to a call from Bella and rushed off to school for a practice AP test. It went alright, I finished it all in time and the essays were alright. I guess I'm expecting mediocre results. I got home, my dad a little mad that I disappeared, but he disappeared for a little, so whatever. My middle brother went off to a band thing at 2, so I drove him to school. It was his birthday, how could I not? I got back, tended to my 16-year-old brother and eventually got back from shopping for him. Eh. We got home, did some stuff, and then my dad came back home. I sat down with some sewing, and a little bit of computer ness, and eventually, told my mother to go find Birthday brother and pick him up. Two of his friends had shown up for his party thing by the time he got back, and the third showed up shortly after he did. We ran and got pizza and a cake and the boys played games until 9 when I sat them down for cake and more sparkling apple cider. All was good.

Sunday, I woke up relatively early (8-ish I guess) and woke my brothers up at 9. I sewed for an hour before I gave up on my pants. I got the boys breakfast and then hopped on my computer a little more. Eventually, we played Starcraft, which was fun. Nothing much. I withdrew 60 dollars from my account and now need a job. Tomorrow, I shall get prom ticket. Went out to dinner, and I swear, my dad just gets even more annoying the more time I spend with him. Got back, more computer, and apparently, I'm getting a printer, a chess board and set, and three keyboard keys from James on Monday...I'm looking forward to this.

This should be fun. Nothing to do but wait for the future to unfold. I can plan, but when the time comes, if I don't execute the plan, then where the hell would that leave me? I should so corner DJ's girlfriend and tell her to arrange it so that James goes to prom with me...So silly...

-Anxiety Doesn't Bode Well
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title From: Remedy by Seether

Psychosomatic

2008-03-31T20:55:00.003-07:00

This is the last post of the month, a milestone of sorts that will start off my secret-diary. Well, let's see what I've learned this past month.

I've learned that no matter how much I try, I cannot kill the vixen I can easily become. She's always there and at every comment I could create, she chuckles evilly as I try to reign her in. I've learned that I cannot hate this girl no matter what and I can't stand to see her fail. I lost sympathy for someone in the same place not long ago, but her...I just can't. I learned that no matter how much I try to spend away from the people who are bad for me, they just keep coming closer. I've learned just how much I can't stand people who seem to intrude on my territory: people who suddenly show up out of nowhere and try to be a little more like me.

Hmm...Well, coming back to this post: some things are repeated.

It’s a new month, another milestone, and another countdown. It’s been an interesting month, full of ups and downs, and really, I can’t believe how quickly the month has gone by. I remember the beginning of the month where we were still busy trying to get Robotics stuff done and sorted before the competition. I still remember the end of February, baking that cake with Bella. It seems like it was all mere weeks ago, not a whole month. I remember competitions, staying with my Gilbert fanclub and being absolutely OCD about the pit area. Break started and I had gotten Brawl for the Wii. This included staying up to predawn hours with my brothers all gathered in the game room. This included waking up at noon every day and quietly seething when there was nothing to do. I started the new blog, talked about the random occurrences that happened, and the other interesting little things that happened to me. I remember talking about the guys around me and making all of those decisions not to play. I remember thinking that I didn’t want James, yet here I am, taking quiet offense that he’s not planning to ask me to prom. It didn’t seem like a month…

Here’s to another month and another misadventure the life of this disgruntled teenager. I’m trying to be as saintly as you appear – babe – but there is just this…demoness that wants to play.

Dark swirling feelings and emotions have been haunting me. What’s really amusing is the fact that there is a girl who – perhaps if she were any other girl or if I hadn’t changed – I should hate, but I can’t hate her or think of her any less. Besides that, it’s a mesh of hating myself for being so obsessed – no one knows it, but gosh, I just have to know where he might be and I look for him! Seriously, when driving to school, I’m wondering if we’d randomly run into each other (not literally) or when we’re taking random field trips off to places, I watch for everything…What really bugs me about myself is I’ve gotten to a point where I’m territorial about it now. There is a girl – freshman no less – who just randomly showed up one day and started playing with Silver at first. I mean, him being the college boy he is, he just responded, but the thing is, didn’t she realize how lost she was? He’s 20, she’s 14 and seriously, the attention he paid her was nothing like the one he gave me. It doesn’t matter anymore though, because with the amount of playing Silver does, he plays with me more than he does anyone else around me. The thing that really bugs me now about her is that she’s playing with James. It really bugs me that it seems like she’s trying to impose herself into where I am with my friends, that she strives to become what I seem to a number of people. I don’t think she realizes that I have different masks for all of my friends and groups and that she’s forcing me to carry all of my masks through to each and every one of my groups. She calls me out or challenges me on the random amount of sexual activity I’ve done, and seriously, forces me to be more blunt than I ever had to be with other friends. I’m uncomfortable around her because she’s so physical (while I’m seriously trying to curb my physical dependency) and seriously, she doesn’t really know either of them half as well as I do. She criticizes my friends and teammates and thinks it’s sad that she – while not in Robotics – made it to a meeting while no one else did (which, three others made it). She just bugs me now, you know? I guess part of it is because she kind of stole my spotlight and barged into where I thought I was safe, but another is that she’s trying so hard to become a part of a group. I never had to try this hard and if I really had to, I’d have found some new groups. It’s just silly.

Well, this post is really short, and just a little late, but hey, I wrote it. It's just...There's been so many things on my mind, but a lot of it is just school stuff and me being a nerd. As much as I love that part of me, that's not what this blog was for. No one wanted to read about me being a nerd way back when, so why now? You know?

-It's Really Tempting
Scarlet Bloodmoon

PS - Psychosomatic was the password for my laptop for March. Next month, I'll tell you mine for April.