100 Things About Myself

I realize that most other blogs have one of these, but I thought this was a valid way for me to analyze myself or ponder aloud about things while my readers get to know me. This is me, this is what I've been wanting to say to people, this is what I want so many people to realize...This is your window to what really runs through me.

100 Things About Me:

1. I hate myself for not being about to make up my mind
2. It’s easy for me to hate the people closest to me (outside of family)
3. I still want my ex-boyfriend to be as happy as I wanted when we were going out.
4. I fantasize about things that I desperately want, but will never have
5. I doubt my abilities to get to where I want to be.
6. Nothing makes me feel more sexy and confident than when guys beg.
7. I’m too playful for my own good.
8. For the longest time, I “ignored” how far (physically) I’ve gotten with people.
9. Technically, I lost my virginity when I was 16.
10. I’m really a nymphomaniac most of the time, I just hide it well
11. It’s really hard for anyone to turn me on through physical means
12. No matter how many times anyone has tried, I have not died at the hands of another
13. In a roundabout way, I can say I loved/love giving blow jobs
14. I thought my previous relationship was perfect, and was proud of the fact that my best friend’s relationship seemed to be falling apart while mine was flourishing.
15. If given the chance, I would not get back with my ex…It’d ruin things
16. I like my mother more than I like my father
17. I make myself, knowingly or unknowingly, want what I can’t have
18. I also live life from challenge to challenge. I need something there to keep me fighting.
19. I kind of hope he still has the journal I gave him for our six month anniversary and hope that he will read through it again one day.
20. I feel left out from all of my friends when I’m single. Everyone around me is happy with a significant other, and I’m stuck sitting alone…
21. I was considering a relationship with almost 7 different people, but I will never really get the chance to ever start any of the relationships.
22. I have no second thoughts on dressing in the skimpiest things I could ever own
23. I am known for dressing like a Japanese school girl just for fun
24. I live for conflict.
25. I have no problem in sacrificing people for the greater good, I’d never personally sacrifice someone though
26. I’d be fine giving blood, and I love watching the needle go in, I just hate the feeling of weakness I get afterwards
27. I have so many masks, I don’t know who I really am anymore
28. I like bragging about how busy I am, so I find distractions and reasons for me to “get involved”
29. The most interesting contest I had with any boyfriend was a “trashy romance” write-off where we shared one of our sexual fantasies
30. I made bets with him so I could persuade him to do sugary, romantic stuff without having to ask for it.
31. Sometimes, I wish life was a little more “No Strings Attached”
32. Any use of second person outside of my blog probably refers to my ex
33. I’m picky about my weight and won’t settle for anything greater than 115 lbs
34. I’ve never smoked pot, but I’ve been in a room full of people smoking, so I bet I’ve been high before
35. In fact, I’ve never smoked, but my lungs are probably tarred up anyways because my dad used to
36. I hate the smell of cigarette smoke, and when Jeremy does smell like it, I can’t stand it
37. I’ve never been fully drunk…
38. And I really want to find some really close friend that would never judge me and get drunk with them so that I know how I react when drunk.
39. The first thing I plan on buying when I’m 18 is straight out of a sex shop just because
40. I don’t like risking it when it comes to people – I’m thinking someone might really like me, but I don’t want to call them out on it.
41. I think half the time, I’m just looking for sex, but the other half, I’m trying to reign in my Vixen.
42. I’m proud of being a nerd…and while I might not be the best nerd, I take pride in knowing that I’m the best damn female nerd around.
43. I really want to go to a college where the male to female ratio is ridiculous so that there are like…10 males to every female.
44. At this point, whichever college gives me the highest scholarship, I’m going there.
45. I cave easily into suggestion…especially if they know I hate saying no.
46. I really don’t think I can finish this with 100 valid points.
47. I still have a slight crush on this guy that I had liked since I was 12. I am 17, it’s been five years, and through all of my relationships and adventures, I still think I want him a little.
48. Sometimes, I wish I could be strong enough to really hurt people.
49. I am three weeks into a relationship and I think we need to talk…
50. I love sappy and romantic movies
51. But I also love watching people being blown to bits or killed in unimaginative ways.
52. I have a really weak stomach for torture.
53. I’ve had very little chances or offers to get drunk…I’ve turned down all of them
54. The most amusing present I gave myself was a pair of fishnet stockings and a garter belt
55. I like dressing up only to be able to tease people about it
56. I don’t like telling people things, I want to show them.
57. I’ve had a bouquet of roses for five months, sitting on my desk. Every time I glance at them, I wonder if any of my ex boyfriends would have given me flowers.
58. Of all the times my boyfriend has asked me to name a prize, I always pick the small simple things. I know I can ask for more, but really, I just want old skeleton keys.
59. I would like to think that I am very low maintenance.
60. I still sleep with a stuffed bear I got on Valentine’s Day of 2007.
61. I don’t think my best friend could ever really comprehend the full depth of some of the friendships I have with the people around us.
62. She is still convinced that my ex boyfriends are sent from hell and refuses to consider it otherwise.
63. There is one exception. She didn’t really know either of us when we were dating.
64. Out of my past relationships, there is only one friendship I have with my exes that I would like to change
65. I love quoting my writing
66. I love leaving little hints in hopes that someone would come and read them and ask about it.
67. I am an awkward beginner, but given time, I can master anything.
68. I will listen to any music at least once if someone suggests it to me and I respect their opinion and suggestions.
69. The best way to interest me is to start talking about literature or music
70. I love the way a cello sounds
71. I get really mean when I’m tired.
72. I hate that people wish they had my body. I hate my body. What is good about it?
73. Anyone who wishes they had my body forgets that I am 32A, have a horrible BMI, and desperately need to exercise.
74. The most meaningful conversations are the ones where he makes me realize just how powerful I am
75. For the longest time, I’ve always wanted to start a band and write a song
76. I would have played the bass and sang because it’s not expected.
77. I love defying social norms
78. Sometimes, I’m afraid of my own reflection.
79. It always looks like I could cry at any moment
80. I am quietly prejudiced against almost anything.
81. I love helping people through their problems. It gives me this feeling of use.
82. I’m afraid of letting people into who I really am if they don’t need to be.
83. I do a lot of stuff out of convenience
84. I need to have control over what changes about me or I’m stuck hating myself
85. That is why I dye my hair in weird colors
86. I’ve always thought I was invisible, even among all the achievements I’ve received.
87. I can’t be a horrible person to those that have burrowed into familial status
88. I have enough self-doubt to think I’m a horrible role model.
89. Answering questions allows me to realize the important things that lead up to finding the answer.
90. I love it when people ask me questions
91. I take small victories. It sounds like settling for less, but I think it’s me trying to keep from falling into despair.
92. I get good at analogies when analyzing people
93. I love herbal and soapy scents.
94. I have something against floral or fruity scents
95. I feel powerful when people I don’t know turn to their friends and ask why I do things
96. I should suck at giving advice, but people still come to me for it…
97. Incompetence or lack of skill bugs me
98. I’m ticklish
99. I prefer the company of guys than of girls. Guys just have a way of making me forget my insecurities.
100. If you haven’t noticed, I hate myself, I have low confidence and self-esteem, and the only reason I keep going is because I can pretend and act like another person.