Nothing much for the month of November. Umm...Drama, giving up on high school, Jeremy dropped out, learned more about abortion and abortion laws than any other teenager, cried and was all sad face as every single gay-rights proposition was voted in favor of the heterosexual, and figured out how much my mom really loves me. I have a bit over three weeks until I'm legal and I'm excited. Seriously. I've had a huge craving for unsweetened iced tea recently...it's been weird.
I don't know. It's been uneventful. Today is a one-month-anniversary for something none of us thought would really happen, and I've started a secret competition and will try to one-up the male. James and I think I have a better chance of having sex with the female than the male ever does. I guess, in that new-couple way, they're cute...but a month later, you can definitely tell that the relationship is kind of straining. She spends more time with us than him...
Bella's in a new relationship. While everyone thinks he's like another Otter, he's more mature than Otter ever will be. Eh, I'm not a very good judge of character, but James thinks that this new one is just as immature...Might not leave her in favor of video games, but not worth settling down with. Ex-druggie smoker apparently.
It's been more than three months since I've touched weed. I kind of want to do it again, because seriously, I'm done worrying and caring...but I don't want to find someone to get it from. I'm also dirt poor, so I'm not seeing how this will work out. Eh, something will wok out.
Jeremy's been harshly critical of everything I've done and how I choose to do stuff. It doesn't matter that he's a hypocrit or that he is seriously worse off than I am, no. It only matters that I'm not perfect and that since he's the one pointing blame, I'm the one with all the fault. I'm the one that's fucked up because I still go to school and choose to take personal days to get over things.
Neh. So my licence is suspended until Christmas...and since that epic sucks and I can't do anything about it, I'm going to stop worrying about it for a bit and then go do that when I can. Fuck the system and their couches, I will be on the road one day, and I will fucking love it.
-Just one shot. Just one prick. Then it's all over
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Showing posts with label Bella. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bella. Show all posts
Monday, December 1, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Chauvinistic
Sorry, definitely overdue and such, but that's how I've been lately. I'm writing this as I'm trying to stay up till I have to leave for the airport at 4 am. There hasn't been much to write about, to analyze, to laugh about. I mean, I could go on about things that I haven't told anyone, hoping that the anonymity of the internet will save me, but then what's that to my readers? I could talk about my exciting trips I have coming up, but then I feel like I'm bragging. I could talk about how much better I've been getting with...friendships, reigning over my demon, analyzing people, taking my pride to extremes where it's not my true sin anymore, or anything along those lines.
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Damn, I have the cutest little Jack Russell Terrier ever
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I live an ironic life...the people I ignore end up the most important to me over and over again. The people I've wanted have either become unappealing or a possibility that will never be likely. People that have at one time avoided me now confide in me, and the people that become the closest always end up annoying me. I guess it's just one of those things, though, you know?
We all have some pretty deep and twisted secrets, most of us have piles and piles, and others have one or two that they never realize are secrets. Wow...thinking back, I definitely have my share...and what the hell? Let's share some!
You know what's horrible? I really want to consider taking up every offer Silver has made to me. We should hang out this summer, gaming and such. We should get me as drunk as possible and strand me in the middle of Tempe once I turn 18. I should go bug him for a tour around the college he goes to, it's a beautiful place. The saddest thing: I really want to know how good he is...Maybe this is just hormones and the whole "being fertile and looking for sex" stage of this month, but I haven't been this hot-blooded since...I don't even know. And the coupe-de-grace on this ugly mess...well, there are two of them...he's dating someone and knowing that stings a little bit, and secondly...I have a boyfriend...who I won't let close enough to have sex with.
You know what? Thinking back, I really have to challenge Bella's judgment in things. I mean, she's in a relationship doomed to failure, but here she is criticizing the relationship potential in general of guys that she's never spent more than a week with. Or how she thinks that by getting into a relationship with Napoleon, I will become even more cynical and cruel, when really I'm not going to change very much. I love how she assured me that this relationship is the safest bet I have, and look where I am now...I'm bored and I think he's too easy to take down. I can't imagine ever moving past where we are now, and still, I joke just as easily about bondage and sex with him. This isn't good for me. I'm quite sure that if I were in any other relationship, this wouldn't be the main problem. What really started this whole rant though, is the fact that I told her about the lack of growth in this relationship and the first thing she asked was if I had any back-up plans in mind. Well, she wanted to know who my next potential victims were. I had one in mind, someone I could laugh with, someone who I rather enjoyed spending time with, chatting with, but really, knew that is would never work...Not to the best extreme. The first thing out of her mouth was negative. "He's not a good boyfriend. He's not worth the time. He's poison." No, she didn't really say that, but hey, she implied it. She wouldn't know! When was the last time she actually spent time to talk to him? When was the last time she actually spent time at all considering his character? Oh right. After he broke up with a person she really couldn't care less about, but still pretends to coddle. I gave up...I really started to lose my respect for her now. It's really hard to see why so many people could stand to pretend for so long...
I like having a lot to say about things....Well, for anyone interested, I have a new blog, one I plan on sugar-coating so that it is acceptable to people. This one is being hidden a little bit more, but only because I don't like having my shit hit the fan. Maybe, once all of these people are out of my life...(like I go to an out-of-state college, but neh) I won't hide anymore...
Blog = http://lilithrogue.blogspot.com
Final update (as I'm typing this June 15, 2008 2:21 am): I'm leaving for the airport in less than 2 hours. I've been up so far...maybe I will fall asleep on the plane...maybe I'll just pull an all-nighter thing and be up for...36 hours when I get there...or something. Beats jet lag!
-Is There Something Wrong With the Way I Treat People?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
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Damn, I have the cutest little Jack Russell Terrier ever
------
I live an ironic life...the people I ignore end up the most important to me over and over again. The people I've wanted have either become unappealing or a possibility that will never be likely. People that have at one time avoided me now confide in me, and the people that become the closest always end up annoying me. I guess it's just one of those things, though, you know?
We all have some pretty deep and twisted secrets, most of us have piles and piles, and others have one or two that they never realize are secrets. Wow...thinking back, I definitely have my share...and what the hell? Let's share some!
You know what's horrible? I really want to consider taking up every offer Silver has made to me. We should hang out this summer, gaming and such. We should get me as drunk as possible and strand me in the middle of Tempe once I turn 18. I should go bug him for a tour around the college he goes to, it's a beautiful place. The saddest thing: I really want to know how good he is...Maybe this is just hormones and the whole "being fertile and looking for sex" stage of this month, but I haven't been this hot-blooded since...I don't even know. And the coupe-de-grace on this ugly mess...well, there are two of them...he's dating someone and knowing that stings a little bit, and secondly...I have a boyfriend...who I won't let close enough to have sex with.
You know what? Thinking back, I really have to challenge Bella's judgment in things. I mean, she's in a relationship doomed to failure, but here she is criticizing the relationship potential in general of guys that she's never spent more than a week with. Or how she thinks that by getting into a relationship with Napoleon, I will become even more cynical and cruel, when really I'm not going to change very much. I love how she assured me that this relationship is the safest bet I have, and look where I am now...I'm bored and I think he's too easy to take down. I can't imagine ever moving past where we are now, and still, I joke just as easily about bondage and sex with him. This isn't good for me. I'm quite sure that if I were in any other relationship, this wouldn't be the main problem. What really started this whole rant though, is the fact that I told her about the lack of growth in this relationship and the first thing she asked was if I had any back-up plans in mind. Well, she wanted to know who my next potential victims were. I had one in mind, someone I could laugh with, someone who I rather enjoyed spending time with, chatting with, but really, knew that is would never work...Not to the best extreme. The first thing out of her mouth was negative. "He's not a good boyfriend. He's not worth the time. He's poison." No, she didn't really say that, but hey, she implied it. She wouldn't know! When was the last time she actually spent time to talk to him? When was the last time she actually spent time at all considering his character? Oh right. After he broke up with a person she really couldn't care less about, but still pretends to coddle. I gave up...I really started to lose my respect for her now. It's really hard to see why so many people could stand to pretend for so long...
I like having a lot to say about things....Well, for anyone interested, I have a new blog, one I plan on sugar-coating so that it is acceptable to people. This one is being hidden a little bit more, but only because I don't like having my shit hit the fan. Maybe, once all of these people are out of my life...(like I go to an out-of-state college, but neh) I won't hide anymore...
Blog = http://lilithrogue.blogspot.com
Final update (as I'm typing this June 15, 2008 2:21 am): I'm leaving for the airport in less than 2 hours. I've been up so far...maybe I will fall asleep on the plane...maybe I'll just pull an all-nighter thing and be up for...36 hours when I get there...or something. Beats jet lag!
-Is There Something Wrong With the Way I Treat People?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Friday, May 16, 2008
Poetic Titles Escape Me At the Moment
I hate teaching Bella how to do math. I'm used to people wanting to learn, wanting to finish, wanting to get it, or people who want to take advantage of me. Those who take advantage of me, I let. They are pitiful people who just need to get points. Okay, fine. Bella tries to take advantage of me, but most the time, I lose what temper I seemed to have before she could milk much out of me. Today, she was sitting, doing trigonometry homework during the 30-minute period we have as "conference" and it wasn't until 10 minutes in did she actually come over and start on the worksheet. She sat on the ground, taking her time, fixing details before diving in. She got three problems done. If I really wanted to, I could have finished all of it in that 30 minutes. It's not that she's bad at math, she just refuses to learn because "she has a crappy teacher." Well, my brother is in her class, and he's doing just fine. I mean, yeah, he has questions, but it's because of the way the teacher teaches. You learn it on your own in his class, you have to ask questions. Bella says "teach me" and waits for me to step-by-step lead her through the homework. Oh, did I mention that she had a full page of notes that if I had, I could have ruled the world with? Seriously, she had all of the information. What could I teach her? She just didn't have the effort to devote to effort.
I realize I move too quickly through everything, but instead of stopping me and asking, she asks me to slow down and repeat. This makes me mad. Don't tell me to repeat it. I know there are two conversations going on around you, but you have to listen to me! Don't ask me to repeat or explain again, tell me to list the steps I skipped.
She's always looking for confirmation. I hate doing that. I want people to just work in silence and if I see a mistake or discrepancy, as I tend to work alongside you if not faster than you, I will ask you to explain how you got to that step. Most of the time, they are wrong, but if I'm not the "tutor" in the case, I could be wrong too. "That is sin, right?" (By the way, she says sin, not sine. It bugs the hell out of me.) I get sarcastic. Half way through the sarcasm, I decide that it's not helping at all, she's just going to fall into a pit of even more self-doubt and questions. "Yes, that's sine." I don't even know why I bother sometimes...I swear I'm just setting myself up for disappointment every time.
But anyways: it is my youngest brother's birthday today. He is turning 8. He's so much fun.
But enough of my ranting. We all know I'm losing it. The most interesting day this week was Wednesday. Robotics was a failure, and since I had AP testing, I decided not to go. Silver, being the mentor, drove down from Tempe, and finding out that there really was no meeting, didn't take it very well. Making the best of the situation, he asked me to meet him at the mall. Okay. I drive people home because I said I would, and then drive to the mall. It's been like an hour since he made plans with me and I feel like crap.
I meet him towards the entrance of Barnes and Noble's. We wander around the mall, hitting all the interesting stores upstairs (Spenser's, GameStop, Game Daze, Atomic Comics, The Puppy Store) before going to the Apple store and the Sharper Image store downstairs. All through wandering the mall, we'd have poking wars or he'd tickle me. I'd fall against him and he'd push me back. He would pull me against him and hug me. It was good, clean fun. We passed by Fredrick's (the lingerie store) and he comments on how he's passed the store with so many females, but none of them have ever offered to model anything from that store for him. We laughed at this misfortune, commenting that it was likely that he'd be forty, married and with children, and still, she wouldn't model anything for him. After a lot of wandering, we wandered to the food court where I realized that I probably shouldn't eat because my parents were expecting me back for dinner and would be sorely disappointed if I didn't eat. Silver laughed at me, telling me that I should just tell them that I was having dinner with a boy. Yeah, because that would make them like me more.
So we wandered to Subway and all through it, he was offering to get me something, and when I turned down cookies and chips, he scoffed at the dietary habits of women again. I laughed along and rolled my eyes. I stole half of his large thing Dr. Pepper at dinner, which was basically a session of question-answer that led to more anecdotes and stories. After that, we returned to Barnes and Noble's where we found GnomeMaster (that was so his screen name for so long...) who was an acquaintance that graduated last year. We chatted, talked about college (well, they did) and everything. Every once in awhile, a customer would come by and said acquaintance would help them before returning to chatting.
At 6:15, parents called and demanded me home, so with quite formal goodbyes, I took my leave. I half-listened to Silver quietly slip away with a few "glad to meet yous" and "goodbyes" and was wary of the fact that he was creeping behind me. He tickled me, so laughing, I pulled away and then pulled closer again for a hug. We walked to the door, and at the sidewalk where we had to part ways, I hugged him goodbye. He picked me up off of my feet and while I was giggling a bit, kissed me on the cheek. We parted ways.
Anyways, that was it. Ooh, so I've finally joined Twitter after so many people have been talking about it. ^_^ SBloodmoon.
-To Memories, To Change, To the Future
Scarlet Bloodmoon
I realize I move too quickly through everything, but instead of stopping me and asking, she asks me to slow down and repeat. This makes me mad. Don't tell me to repeat it. I know there are two conversations going on around you, but you have to listen to me! Don't ask me to repeat or explain again, tell me to list the steps I skipped.
She's always looking for confirmation. I hate doing that. I want people to just work in silence and if I see a mistake or discrepancy, as I tend to work alongside you if not faster than you, I will ask you to explain how you got to that step. Most of the time, they are wrong, but if I'm not the "tutor" in the case, I could be wrong too. "That is sin, right?" (By the way, she says sin, not sine. It bugs the hell out of me.) I get sarcastic. Half way through the sarcasm, I decide that it's not helping at all, she's just going to fall into a pit of even more self-doubt and questions. "Yes, that's sine." I don't even know why I bother sometimes...I swear I'm just setting myself up for disappointment every time.
But anyways: it is my youngest brother's birthday today. He is turning 8. He's so much fun.
But enough of my ranting. We all know I'm losing it. The most interesting day this week was Wednesday. Robotics was a failure, and since I had AP testing, I decided not to go. Silver, being the mentor, drove down from Tempe, and finding out that there really was no meeting, didn't take it very well. Making the best of the situation, he asked me to meet him at the mall. Okay. I drive people home because I said I would, and then drive to the mall. It's been like an hour since he made plans with me and I feel like crap.
I meet him towards the entrance of Barnes and Noble's. We wander around the mall, hitting all the interesting stores upstairs (Spenser's, GameStop, Game Daze, Atomic Comics, The Puppy Store) before going to the Apple store and the Sharper Image store downstairs. All through wandering the mall, we'd have poking wars or he'd tickle me. I'd fall against him and he'd push me back. He would pull me against him and hug me. It was good, clean fun. We passed by Fredrick's (the lingerie store) and he comments on how he's passed the store with so many females, but none of them have ever offered to model anything from that store for him. We laughed at this misfortune, commenting that it was likely that he'd be forty, married and with children, and still, she wouldn't model anything for him. After a lot of wandering, we wandered to the food court where I realized that I probably shouldn't eat because my parents were expecting me back for dinner and would be sorely disappointed if I didn't eat. Silver laughed at me, telling me that I should just tell them that I was having dinner with a boy. Yeah, because that would make them like me more.
So we wandered to Subway and all through it, he was offering to get me something, and when I turned down cookies and chips, he scoffed at the dietary habits of women again. I laughed along and rolled my eyes. I stole half of his large thing Dr. Pepper at dinner, which was basically a session of question-answer that led to more anecdotes and stories. After that, we returned to Barnes and Noble's where we found GnomeMaster (that was so his screen name for so long...) who was an acquaintance that graduated last year. We chatted, talked about college (well, they did) and everything. Every once in awhile, a customer would come by and said acquaintance would help them before returning to chatting.
At 6:15, parents called and demanded me home, so with quite formal goodbyes, I took my leave. I half-listened to Silver quietly slip away with a few "glad to meet yous" and "goodbyes" and was wary of the fact that he was creeping behind me. He tickled me, so laughing, I pulled away and then pulled closer again for a hug. We walked to the door, and at the sidewalk where we had to part ways, I hugged him goodbye. He picked me up off of my feet and while I was giggling a bit, kissed me on the cheek. We parted ways.
Anyways, that was it. Ooh, so I've finally joined Twitter after so many people have been talking about it. ^_^ SBloodmoon.
-To Memories, To Change, To the Future
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Monday, April 21, 2008
Now I Wear The Biggest Smile
Life is fine and dandy with Scarlet right now. Wrapping up two days of not being single anymore (eventually, I will stop counting...) and all I can say is "Damn, I am one lucky girl."
I'm not going to lie, Bella and my relationships tend to have fairly close "anniversary dates". Her anniversaries are on the 24th and mine was the 31/30/29/28 (end of the month I guess). Now, mine are the 19th and she still has the 24th. Apparently, it takes people towards the end of months to gather up the remaining amount of doubt and just ask me out.
Talking to Otter on Sunday and with Bella in the car, we finally started telling people James and I were going out.
Bella: "They're official now, by the way"
Otter is confused.
Bella: "Scarlet and James, they are official."
Otter: "Oh! Finally! Took him long enough. I asked him about it not long ago, it was like 'so what's with you and Scarlet?' He said 'we're just friends.' Jeez, took him long enough."
Me: "Like the better part of four months?" (It's true. We've been spending too much time together since January 5th for Robotics.)
Otter: "Well, it's only been really bad for the past month and a half."
It was kind of amusing, because looking back, yeah...that was when it all kind of started to seem like a relationship. That was when we started diving head first into spending EVERY day with each other. *Shrugs*
You know what's silly is now Bella says she'll feel awkward and like a third wheel around James and I. The only thing we've added to the random amounts of silliness we do is kissing...and fairly prolonged hugs. I mean, I've had to endure seven months of her talking about a boyfriend and her being with her boyfriend while I was single. Now that I have a relationship with a person who spends more time with me in the past four months of not dating than her boyfriend has in the past six months of dating her, she feels like a third wheel and needs to remind us that she's sick and tired of us being close. Every time we're being cute and silly and just leaning against each other, it's "Stop making out!" or "Stop making babies!" Okay. First off, you're the ones running off to your room, locking the door, and turning on the TV. Does that not scream "We're doing something (or rather, each other) that we're not supposed to?" We're not making out, we're not making babies (does it look like we're hurriedly undressing just to put on a show for you?) and we are not going to stop being annoying like that. Just because you're not getting "You're so cute" every other ten minutes doesn't mean you have to snap at us because I'm getting compliments.
I also hate how Bella gets so offended when James and Otter pretend to be gay for each other. "Sloppy seconds" comments are tossed around and Bella pulls this offended pout thing and tries to rope Otter to her side. Seriously, I'm laughing at the two, egging them on because it's hilarious. Bella is complaining because Otter apparently is spending too much time with his other friends. "What? I thought you loved me," she would say, sounding wounded. Another sloppy-seconds comment and she would pull a deeper pout. Rolling my eyes like a ninja, I step in and make the "I'm getting sloppy seconds too, just shush" comment and James laughs at it. He knows how much chatter goes on behind her back and how many people just want to like smother her some days. In fact, we do most of the talking and the needing to smother. She just cares way too much about having a perfect boyfriend and just needed a male enough to settle with anyone and crave to fix his every flaw.
I find it hilarious that James had to force Otter to spend time with Bella. Seriously, Otter had the choice of Guitar Hero 3 for the Wii and spending time with her. It's obviously not going to work well if someone else has to force you to pick your girlfriend over a game that you have at home. They've hit a year, three months, and a day and seriously, James and I were joking about sabotaging the relationship because it would be easier for all of us. Bella would find someone who thought like a girl and could give her all the attention she craves (and she craves more attention than a newborn) and live her happy and romantic life while James and I wouldn't need to hear about how horrible this new guy was because he will be essentially perfect. I personally think Bella is afraid of change so she won't leave Otter, but only went out with him because she was desperate for a relationship. She ended a relationship at three months because he wasn't the best for her, and now, Otter is starting to act a lot like the other one. I'm thinking one of the other reasons is that they've bonded physically to a point where it'd be awkward afterwards. It's gone past a point of return and it'd tear apart a group of people. Hey, I think we should have bets as to how long this relationship is going to last.
I was different. I apparently attract really good guys. Sure, there are some bad ones, and most the time, I know when they are bad and most the time, I know I'm not serious, but they could be. I had a really full relationship before this one and when that ended, I pulled away, was immature, and got back on the horse. This relationship...he's a nerd. He's a very well-rounded nerd that can definitely teach me a lot. Musically inclined too...I win. Sure, I sort of settle with what I get, but I'm also apathetic enough to ignore flaws...and that's a personal character flaw. I tend to ignore too much sometimes. I don't want to change them, I just want them to acknowledge me as someone more than sex or arm candy and actually give as much as they want to take. I also tend to date really close friends, people who I've gotten to know. If they pass the qualities test, they are in for the picking.
I'm not going to lie, I have (and already two days in, it's kind of sad that I can already tell) a better relationship than the one Bella has with Otter. Sure, James seems a tad clingy, but I don't mind. It hasn't been suffocating yet and it's comfortable. I couldn't care, he's musically inclined, a fantasy/sci-fi nerd, and in two of the clubs I'm in. He used to play cello and upright bass, and really, he's just...wonderful. I really think that I hit gold on this one. It's so easy to tell that James is the kind of boyfriend that Bella had wanted out of Otter. He's constantly there and it almost seems like he's reluctant to leave me.
-Patience, My Love, Is A Virtue
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: Misery Business by Paramore
I'm not going to lie, Bella and my relationships tend to have fairly close "anniversary dates". Her anniversaries are on the 24th and mine was the 31/30/29/28 (end of the month I guess). Now, mine are the 19th and she still has the 24th. Apparently, it takes people towards the end of months to gather up the remaining amount of doubt and just ask me out.
Talking to Otter on Sunday and with Bella in the car, we finally started telling people James and I were going out.
Bella: "They're official now, by the way"
Otter is confused.
Bella: "Scarlet and James, they are official."
Otter: "Oh! Finally! Took him long enough. I asked him about it not long ago, it was like 'so what's with you and Scarlet?' He said 'we're just friends.' Jeez, took him long enough."
Me: "Like the better part of four months?" (It's true. We've been spending too much time together since January 5th for Robotics.)
Otter: "Well, it's only been really bad for the past month and a half."
It was kind of amusing, because looking back, yeah...that was when it all kind of started to seem like a relationship. That was when we started diving head first into spending EVERY day with each other. *Shrugs*
You know what's silly is now Bella says she'll feel awkward and like a third wheel around James and I. The only thing we've added to the random amounts of silliness we do is kissing...and fairly prolonged hugs. I mean, I've had to endure seven months of her talking about a boyfriend and her being with her boyfriend while I was single. Now that I have a relationship with a person who spends more time with me in the past four months of not dating than her boyfriend has in the past six months of dating her, she feels like a third wheel and needs to remind us that she's sick and tired of us being close. Every time we're being cute and silly and just leaning against each other, it's "Stop making out!" or "Stop making babies!" Okay. First off, you're the ones running off to your room, locking the door, and turning on the TV. Does that not scream "We're doing something (or rather, each other) that we're not supposed to?" We're not making out, we're not making babies (does it look like we're hurriedly undressing just to put on a show for you?) and we are not going to stop being annoying like that. Just because you're not getting "You're so cute" every other ten minutes doesn't mean you have to snap at us because I'm getting compliments.
I also hate how Bella gets so offended when James and Otter pretend to be gay for each other. "Sloppy seconds" comments are tossed around and Bella pulls this offended pout thing and tries to rope Otter to her side. Seriously, I'm laughing at the two, egging them on because it's hilarious. Bella is complaining because Otter apparently is spending too much time with his other friends. "What? I thought you loved me," she would say, sounding wounded. Another sloppy-seconds comment and she would pull a deeper pout. Rolling my eyes like a ninja, I step in and make the "I'm getting sloppy seconds too, just shush" comment and James laughs at it. He knows how much chatter goes on behind her back and how many people just want to like smother her some days. In fact, we do most of the talking and the needing to smother. She just cares way too much about having a perfect boyfriend and just needed a male enough to settle with anyone and crave to fix his every flaw.
I find it hilarious that James had to force Otter to spend time with Bella. Seriously, Otter had the choice of Guitar Hero 3 for the Wii and spending time with her. It's obviously not going to work well if someone else has to force you to pick your girlfriend over a game that you have at home. They've hit a year, three months, and a day and seriously, James and I were joking about sabotaging the relationship because it would be easier for all of us. Bella would find someone who thought like a girl and could give her all the attention she craves (and she craves more attention than a newborn) and live her happy and romantic life while James and I wouldn't need to hear about how horrible this new guy was because he will be essentially perfect. I personally think Bella is afraid of change so she won't leave Otter, but only went out with him because she was desperate for a relationship. She ended a relationship at three months because he wasn't the best for her, and now, Otter is starting to act a lot like the other one. I'm thinking one of the other reasons is that they've bonded physically to a point where it'd be awkward afterwards. It's gone past a point of return and it'd tear apart a group of people. Hey, I think we should have bets as to how long this relationship is going to last.
I was different. I apparently attract really good guys. Sure, there are some bad ones, and most the time, I know when they are bad and most the time, I know I'm not serious, but they could be. I had a really full relationship before this one and when that ended, I pulled away, was immature, and got back on the horse. This relationship...he's a nerd. He's a very well-rounded nerd that can definitely teach me a lot. Musically inclined too...I win. Sure, I sort of settle with what I get, but I'm also apathetic enough to ignore flaws...and that's a personal character flaw. I tend to ignore too much sometimes. I don't want to change them, I just want them to acknowledge me as someone more than sex or arm candy and actually give as much as they want to take. I also tend to date really close friends, people who I've gotten to know. If they pass the qualities test, they are in for the picking.
I'm not going to lie, I have (and already two days in, it's kind of sad that I can already tell) a better relationship than the one Bella has with Otter. Sure, James seems a tad clingy, but I don't mind. It hasn't been suffocating yet and it's comfortable. I couldn't care, he's musically inclined, a fantasy/sci-fi nerd, and in two of the clubs I'm in. He used to play cello and upright bass, and really, he's just...wonderful. I really think that I hit gold on this one. It's so easy to tell that James is the kind of boyfriend that Bella had wanted out of Otter. He's constantly there and it almost seems like he's reluctant to leave me.
-Patience, My Love, Is A Virtue
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: Misery Business by Paramore
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Pride...
I've decided pride has to be my worst sin. I get small bubbles from time to time, and when the big guns hit, I get way cocky. Friday was fun, and that day, I hadn't seen James until...third period. I was carrying a huge poster board thing so I had to have people hold doors and alert me when I was about to smack someone with the board. Well, Calculus went alright, I half paid attention and still understood the lesson, but neh. As class got out, James and another friend were waiting outside the door for me (and well, another girl too, but eh.) We joked about how he let go of the door when I was heading out (which was an amusing tangent) and then headed off to lunch. More being cute and making people mad when we got cuddly, and then lunch ended. James walked me halfway to physics and it was an amusing class. We had a test that we all later learned we failed the last two questions.
Class ended and I traveled to meet a group of people. James was a little late, carrying an extra backpack. It was Bella's who was just behind him. We trekked to our cars and just before we got there, I wondered aloud where my keys were. James commented that they were probably in the ignition, joking about it. They were. We laughed at how silly I was and it was a good thing that this was the Mormon building so no one would steal it. We went to the library, pulling into the parking lot. We stood around and chatted with people until they all went away. Then, James and I traveled to his house and was greeted by his mother. We watched August Rush and The Illusionist which was fun. August Rush pissed me off because of all the musical inaccuracies and storybook ending and The Illusionist was fun. I had already seen the end, so the whole effect was lost on me. After that, Bella was done cooking with her grandparents for Passover so we headed over to her house and left for dinner. We went to a Mexican restaurant we had previously went to with another friend who moved to Texas. It was alright, but not good. We decided that we weren't going to go back.
After going back to Bella's house, we lounged around for a long time, reading off interesting lists of top tens and trying to watch a movie. My parents called, angry and a little bit rawry and demanded I go home, but lazy, I stayed there, curled against James. Eventually, I offered to give him a ride home (since we took my car from his house) and then headed back. My parents got even more rawry by the time I got home and took away a lot of conveniences. I picked up a few things in my room, ranted a little, chatted with James a little, and then went to bed.
Saturday morning, I woke up to my dad yelling at my 16 year old brother for playing video games. He then came into my room and told me to clean up before I left for a science fair thing. I told him that he should tell my 14 year old brother that he might not be picked up at 8:40 like we planned the night before but probably closer to 10. He yelled at me and called me selfish and trying to manipulate the situation and I called him selfish for not considering Daniel and making him suffer for something the didn't do. I said that I could commit suicide and he wouldn't care. Then, he threw me out of the house for threatening him. I was out the front door in a camisole, jeans, and had no shoes. Fed up, I walked to Bella's house. Her parents had went out to pick up Bella's younger sister and when I got there, Bella was asleep. I went downstairs for a little bit and played with the dogs and finally, went to wake her up. I cried a little while telling her that I ran away from home and then we went downstairs for food and TV. We started the Libertine while she went to take a shower (and really, that was an amusing movie from the half that I saw). Her parents came back and we talked it out a little and they decided to kidnap me for the day and take me out to a musical with them. Before the musical started, we went to a really nifty store called Buffalo Exchange or something along those lines and Bella and I managed to find shirts and pants for a dollar each! Exciting! I got a pair of bondage pants that we all thought were very amusing. Score! They had really cute skirts too, but they were too big. Bella said I was mean for complaining that the skirts were too big. Eh.
We went to Gammage to see Sweeny Todd and while it was an alright musical, the instruments made me happy. The storyline was hard to understand with the way they did everything, but I liked it...for a high school calibre play. It wasn't though...
Dinner was interesting. We went to downtown Chandler to a brewery and sat down to eat. Bella and I split two appetizers and then her and her sister decided to wander so I followed them. We ogled the lingerie store slightly and lamented when the bridal shop (with interesting dresses) was closed. There were some spiffy shops in that stretch. We headed home and then changed clothes. James showed up soon after and we dropped off Bella's sister and her friend and went to a friend's birthday gathering thing. By the time we got there, half of the people were leaving (eh.) and so we hung around until her sisters left and then went to the park.
The first four people there got onto swings (which was fun) and after not wanting to walk on the wood chips, James carried me to the sand. Otter almost commanded James to take his shoes off and so I was transferred to Otter while James pried his shoes off. Protesting and wanting to be let down, Otter tried to make me uncomfortable by pretending to drop me. Jerk. Well, he finally set me down and James wandered over from the wall he was leaning for support on. We decided to play Hot Lava Monster and we did for awhile. Some of the people weren't very good and so basically, people would get into a spot that was kind of hard to get to and then sit there. James and I claimed the space leading to the spiral slide and we stayed there for awhile.
After a whole ton of holding hands and being couple-y and cute, James leaned a tad closer and conversation ensued:
"Hey [Scarlet], I've been thinking...This is practically a relationship."
"Yeah," We were talking in hushed murmur-esque tones so anything sounded like I was hanging to his every word.
"Do you want to make this a full relationship?" Here, my mind was screaming. This was the one person I focussed on getting, the one person I thought would be hard to get. He was the one with commitment and trust issues (well, probably not trust, he said he trusted me). No way. Someone pinch me.
"If you wanted," I replied. To me, it sounded nonchalant and apathetic...like I couldn't care less. I smiled, trying to make that feeling go away. I really do care!
"I really do." NO WAY...this is just too good...
"Okay," I was giggly at this point.
So, that was the giddiest conversation I've had in like...four or five months? Yeah. Silently rocking out because I am no longer single and I've only really told one person. I have a wonderful life! Yeah, so we then spent the rest of the time like...attached. It was just silly.
On the way home, (since he drove us around) he let me drive the huge minivan thing he brought along. It was so very amusing. I was going around 65 on a 45 mph street at one point. We laughed about it. We laughed about a lot of things, really...At my driveway, we both got out of the car (well, he had to get to the driver's seat, right?) and so as I was leaving, he gave me a super long hug. We "planned" something for the next weekend ("since I've seen you for three weeks straight before.") and finally, after like...three minutes of not wanting to leave each other, a random tag out of nowhere (haha it was funny), and at least two "I love you"s, I turned and left him. I guess, in a way, I already do love him, but so far, I've just meant it as an extended friendly thing. I know he's good for me, I trust him, and I'd give up anything to help him, so I guess, in another way, I love him. I don't know, what does Love mean? There were so many places where, going back, I could have easily kissed him or he could have easily kissed me, but I don't want it to go that quickly. I mean, sure, we could say that we've been really close for a longer time, but I don't want to repeat past relationships that were definitely flawed. The evening was silly and fun, and I'll see him tomorrow though, so it's not like harsh.
-I Never Thought Tonight Would Be Like This
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Class ended and I traveled to meet a group of people. James was a little late, carrying an extra backpack. It was Bella's who was just behind him. We trekked to our cars and just before we got there, I wondered aloud where my keys were. James commented that they were probably in the ignition, joking about it. They were. We laughed at how silly I was and it was a good thing that this was the Mormon building so no one would steal it. We went to the library, pulling into the parking lot. We stood around and chatted with people until they all went away. Then, James and I traveled to his house and was greeted by his mother. We watched August Rush and The Illusionist which was fun. August Rush pissed me off because of all the musical inaccuracies and storybook ending and The Illusionist was fun. I had already seen the end, so the whole effect was lost on me. After that, Bella was done cooking with her grandparents for Passover so we headed over to her house and left for dinner. We went to a Mexican restaurant we had previously went to with another friend who moved to Texas. It was alright, but not good. We decided that we weren't going to go back.
After going back to Bella's house, we lounged around for a long time, reading off interesting lists of top tens and trying to watch a movie. My parents called, angry and a little bit rawry and demanded I go home, but lazy, I stayed there, curled against James. Eventually, I offered to give him a ride home (since we took my car from his house) and then headed back. My parents got even more rawry by the time I got home and took away a lot of conveniences. I picked up a few things in my room, ranted a little, chatted with James a little, and then went to bed.
Saturday morning, I woke up to my dad yelling at my 16 year old brother for playing video games. He then came into my room and told me to clean up before I left for a science fair thing. I told him that he should tell my 14 year old brother that he might not be picked up at 8:40 like we planned the night before but probably closer to 10. He yelled at me and called me selfish and trying to manipulate the situation and I called him selfish for not considering Daniel and making him suffer for something the didn't do. I said that I could commit suicide and he wouldn't care. Then, he threw me out of the house for threatening him. I was out the front door in a camisole, jeans, and had no shoes. Fed up, I walked to Bella's house. Her parents had went out to pick up Bella's younger sister and when I got there, Bella was asleep. I went downstairs for a little bit and played with the dogs and finally, went to wake her up. I cried a little while telling her that I ran away from home and then we went downstairs for food and TV. We started the Libertine while she went to take a shower (and really, that was an amusing movie from the half that I saw). Her parents came back and we talked it out a little and they decided to kidnap me for the day and take me out to a musical with them. Before the musical started, we went to a really nifty store called Buffalo Exchange or something along those lines and Bella and I managed to find shirts and pants for a dollar each! Exciting! I got a pair of bondage pants that we all thought were very amusing. Score! They had really cute skirts too, but they were too big. Bella said I was mean for complaining that the skirts were too big. Eh.
We went to Gammage to see Sweeny Todd and while it was an alright musical, the instruments made me happy. The storyline was hard to understand with the way they did everything, but I liked it...for a high school calibre play. It wasn't though...
Dinner was interesting. We went to downtown Chandler to a brewery and sat down to eat. Bella and I split two appetizers and then her and her sister decided to wander so I followed them. We ogled the lingerie store slightly and lamented when the bridal shop (with interesting dresses) was closed. There were some spiffy shops in that stretch. We headed home and then changed clothes. James showed up soon after and we dropped off Bella's sister and her friend and went to a friend's birthday gathering thing. By the time we got there, half of the people were leaving (eh.) and so we hung around until her sisters left and then went to the park.
The first four people there got onto swings (which was fun) and after not wanting to walk on the wood chips, James carried me to the sand. Otter almost commanded James to take his shoes off and so I was transferred to Otter while James pried his shoes off. Protesting and wanting to be let down, Otter tried to make me uncomfortable by pretending to drop me. Jerk. Well, he finally set me down and James wandered over from the wall he was leaning for support on. We decided to play Hot Lava Monster and we did for awhile. Some of the people weren't very good and so basically, people would get into a spot that was kind of hard to get to and then sit there. James and I claimed the space leading to the spiral slide and we stayed there for awhile.
After a whole ton of holding hands and being couple-y and cute, James leaned a tad closer and conversation ensued:
"Hey [Scarlet], I've been thinking...This is practically a relationship."
"Yeah," We were talking in hushed murmur-esque tones so anything sounded like I was hanging to his every word.
"Do you want to make this a full relationship?" Here, my mind was screaming. This was the one person I focussed on getting, the one person I thought would be hard to get. He was the one with commitment and trust issues (well, probably not trust, he said he trusted me). No way. Someone pinch me.
"If you wanted," I replied. To me, it sounded nonchalant and apathetic...like I couldn't care less. I smiled, trying to make that feeling go away. I really do care!
"I really do." NO WAY...this is just too good...
"Okay," I was giggly at this point.
So, that was the giddiest conversation I've had in like...four or five months? Yeah. Silently rocking out because I am no longer single and I've only really told one person. I have a wonderful life! Yeah, so we then spent the rest of the time like...attached. It was just silly.
On the way home, (since he drove us around) he let me drive the huge minivan thing he brought along. It was so very amusing. I was going around 65 on a 45 mph street at one point. We laughed about it. We laughed about a lot of things, really...At my driveway, we both got out of the car (well, he had to get to the driver's seat, right?) and so as I was leaving, he gave me a super long hug. We "planned" something for the next weekend ("since I've seen you for three weeks straight before.") and finally, after like...three minutes of not wanting to leave each other, a random tag out of nowhere (haha it was funny), and at least two "I love you"s, I turned and left him. I guess, in a way, I already do love him, but so far, I've just meant it as an extended friendly thing. I know he's good for me, I trust him, and I'd give up anything to help him, so I guess, in another way, I love him. I don't know, what does Love mean? There were so many places where, going back, I could have easily kissed him or he could have easily kissed me, but I don't want it to go that quickly. I mean, sure, we could say that we've been really close for a longer time, but I don't want to repeat past relationships that were definitely flawed. The evening was silly and fun, and I'll see him tomorrow though, so it's not like harsh.
-I Never Thought Tonight Would Be Like This
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Have You Ever Noticed, That I'm Not Acting Like I Used to Do Before
Almost a week since the last time I've told you about my life...
April 7th was another of my brothers' birthdays. We didn't do much and the only thing I really remember of that day was that I bought my ticket to the prom. Tuesday and Wednesday were half days where we got the afternoon to ourselves, so Bella, James and I had an adventure. Otter joined us on Tuesday, but wasn't there Wednesday. Wednesday, James went to rent his tux (and called me and asked for an opinion while I was on the highway back from Scottsdale) and my mother took me out shopping. Thursday was an eh day where nothing really happened. I must have gone home early that day. Friday, I went to James' house after school and his mother played with my hair for a little bit and did our makeup. I later hung out with Bella a little bit and we got manicures and pedicures. We wanted to go see Prom Night, but neh, it was late and I had to be up early the next morning. James was working at the theatre we passed as we were making decisions, we so could have visited him. Saturday morning, I woke up at around 5:30 and put my laptop on its charger. I kind of went back to sleep and 20 minutes later, one of the kids I built a website with called to make me email all of our files to him so he could back it up. I got up, dressed in my business formal outfit thing and sat around and waited for the clock. At 6:40, I left home and headed off to a National History Day competition up in Fountain Hills. Eh. Got there, things happened, we presented our website, we went out for lunch, and I left early and got home in time to pick up Bella and head over to James' house so his mother could do our hair and makeup for prom. We finished after the boys came over so they were couped in James' room while we were finishing up. We eventually left and headed to Bella's house and we dressed and got ready before people came and took pictures.
Dinner was amusing and fun and the boys managed to kick all of the girls out of the table so that they could chat chit for a little. The girls came back slightly amused and giggling, returning to our spots before. Eh. We got back in the car and drove to Mesa Marriot. Halfway towards it, to where you could see it, I remembered where it was (con was just there) and commented. I think I caught little attention and since no one was really there, nothing came of it, just some lewd in-the-makings comments. We got there early and was like second in line, so we stood around, played a little with poses and joked a bit before they finally let us in. Before we were inside, they stamped our wrists and one of the teachers doing it was surprised to see me in a dress and decided that he had to take pictures. James and I went to bug one of our teachers last year and talked to her about her Prom-baby quota for this year and we laughed as she told us the couple they were aiming for didn't even show up at prom. Wow. They played Every Time We Touch, so James and I wandered to the edge of the dance floor and were crazy like always. Bella found us a bit after and we all danced. Went back to talk to teacher before she forcefully shooed us away. They played their first slow song as the announced the king and queen, so half way through, James and I wander back into the main room and he asks me if I want to dance. Shrugging, we dance. It was entertaining. I can't say it was as victorious as my dance with DJ my sophomore year, but I definitely was jealous then and not now. More wandering, more destroying things, and eventually, we wandered outside and sat down for a little because the bass was seriously trying to kill us. Second slow song and then they kicked us out. They played Sandstorm (which I hate Bella for wanting. Seriously, you don't appreciate electronica if you listen to or enjoy Sandstorm. We tried so many times to explain that to her, but she never got it) towards the end and we all danced again. All in all, it was fun. We got out, dropped off DJ and his girlfriend and went to Denny's. ^_^ It was fun, got back at like 1:30 and crashed at Bella's. Woke up late the next morning and started baking. I swear, Bella doesn't know how to follow recipes and half the time, I swear she was screwing up the batch of stuff. I was permanently washing out the used stuff to reuse and she had control over my mixer where she instantly pushed the speed to full and made a mess...sad sad. James had come over to help us bake, so it was all fun.
Monday, after school, I went to pick up Andrei after school. Nothing really much happened after that. NHS induction where I started getting pissed at Bella because we had a long list of errands to run before 6:30. I got there at around 6 and we didn't leave until 6:20. Umm...Excuse me? She was playing a video game well after I got there and here, I was expecting to come in and out. Gosh! So I stayed away from her most of the night and chatted with those who would approach me. I had to drag her home afterwards because my dad had almost put me on lockdown. I don't like Bella for some reasons: she's always wasting my time and seriously needs to learn the meaning of sacrifice. I used to wait outside in the cold for her every morning she would pick me up and carpool to school. I sacrificed my comfort for being on time and convenient. She can't even sacrifice a game for me. She complains of everything that doesn't go her way and seriously needs to stop caring so much about EVERYTHING. We can't all run the world, babe. Monday night, I talked to James about how much I was starting to lose my respect in Bella, and so he's now one of the only people who really know how much I hate my best friend.
Tuesday, I went out to lunch with James and it was one amusing anecdote after another. He bought a giant thing of iced tea and in the last period of the day, drank all of it. Classes that day were okay, not too amusing and conversational at best. James is really distracting when I don't want to do work...After that, we dropped people off, taught me a little how to drive manual, and then hung out with Bella and went to dinner and dessert. It was entertaining and all, and James and I had a stale mate in chess. I swear, neither of us were really paying attention throughout the game.
Wednesday, we had a robotics meeting and after that, we met up with people and we chatted and learned about each others' pasts. Eh. Nothing much really. We all went home relatively early that day. Bella finally got online and we had a short chat before she needed to shower. James and I kept going at it and such. Great fun.
Thursday, classes were okay. After school, I tutored Otter and then left to meet Bella and James for a treat and then went back to Bella's again. We watched an episode of The Big Bang Theory and I loved it. James and I had a huge game of tag and we left somewhere around 5:30. I went and bought gas, $13 worth of random stuff I kind of needed, and condoms (which I definitely don't need, but really wanted for some reason or another). The greatest thing was, it was all on my mother's credit card. Hee hee.
What's really silly is the amount of physical contact that James and I have established as a standard. It used to be occasional, but now, it's like we're always curled together. Bella's already confronted him on the subject of asking me out (seriously, everyone is matchmaking us) and the way she reported it to me was the only thing stopping him was his commitment and trust issues. Well, not trust issues, because apparently, he trusts me. That's fine. I can wait, this is fun in itself. All of it just feels like a relationship, the only part that's really missing is the part where we cutely throw around "I Love You"s. I've been getting a lot better with not playing with people and in fact, I've stopped caring about the other boys. They aren't as perfect as I want them to be and you know what? I've dropped most every game I've had.
I really like talking to James...both of them. My friend that I've started the whole cake analogy with is a wonderful person to talk to because he's always there to provide humor and I feel I can tell him anything. We think it's because he's three years younger than I am and thusly harder to pass judgment. The James that I've been obsessed about for the past ever is just so...easy to talk to. He's like an outlet that I can talk to any time and he'd listen...he's good at listening. In a sense, he's kind of the personal part of my blog. The things I don't tell my best friend when it comes to my adventures are posted here and the things I don't tell her when it comes to emotions and how much I want to beat her sometimes gets passed along to him. It just feels so good to have someone to confide in that can actually give me advice. I'd always been too proud to go to the people that I knew would listen, but now, I've needed to cry for attention, and he gave me his. The most unexpected people still will come to help if I ask for it, and I'm just really glad that there are people around like them. I'd be so lost without everyone.
-Confrontation Will Have to Come
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: Ecstacy by ATB
April 7th was another of my brothers' birthdays. We didn't do much and the only thing I really remember of that day was that I bought my ticket to the prom. Tuesday and Wednesday were half days where we got the afternoon to ourselves, so Bella, James and I had an adventure. Otter joined us on Tuesday, but wasn't there Wednesday. Wednesday, James went to rent his tux (and called me and asked for an opinion while I was on the highway back from Scottsdale) and my mother took me out shopping. Thursday was an eh day where nothing really happened. I must have gone home early that day. Friday, I went to James' house after school and his mother played with my hair for a little bit and did our makeup. I later hung out with Bella a little bit and we got manicures and pedicures. We wanted to go see Prom Night, but neh, it was late and I had to be up early the next morning. James was working at the theatre we passed as we were making decisions, we so could have visited him. Saturday morning, I woke up at around 5:30 and put my laptop on its charger. I kind of went back to sleep and 20 minutes later, one of the kids I built a website with called to make me email all of our files to him so he could back it up. I got up, dressed in my business formal outfit thing and sat around and waited for the clock. At 6:40, I left home and headed off to a National History Day competition up in Fountain Hills. Eh. Got there, things happened, we presented our website, we went out for lunch, and I left early and got home in time to pick up Bella and head over to James' house so his mother could do our hair and makeup for prom. We finished after the boys came over so they were couped in James' room while we were finishing up. We eventually left and headed to Bella's house and we dressed and got ready before people came and took pictures.
Dinner was amusing and fun and the boys managed to kick all of the girls out of the table so that they could chat chit for a little. The girls came back slightly amused and giggling, returning to our spots before. Eh. We got back in the car and drove to Mesa Marriot. Halfway towards it, to where you could see it, I remembered where it was (con was just there) and commented. I think I caught little attention and since no one was really there, nothing came of it, just some lewd in-the-makings comments. We got there early and was like second in line, so we stood around, played a little with poses and joked a bit before they finally let us in. Before we were inside, they stamped our wrists and one of the teachers doing it was surprised to see me in a dress and decided that he had to take pictures. James and I went to bug one of our teachers last year and talked to her about her Prom-baby quota for this year and we laughed as she told us the couple they were aiming for didn't even show up at prom. Wow. They played Every Time We Touch, so James and I wandered to the edge of the dance floor and were crazy like always. Bella found us a bit after and we all danced. Went back to talk to teacher before she forcefully shooed us away. They played their first slow song as the announced the king and queen, so half way through, James and I wander back into the main room and he asks me if I want to dance. Shrugging, we dance. It was entertaining. I can't say it was as victorious as my dance with DJ my sophomore year, but I definitely was jealous then and not now. More wandering, more destroying things, and eventually, we wandered outside and sat down for a little because the bass was seriously trying to kill us. Second slow song and then they kicked us out. They played Sandstorm (which I hate Bella for wanting. Seriously, you don't appreciate electronica if you listen to or enjoy Sandstorm. We tried so many times to explain that to her, but she never got it) towards the end and we all danced again. All in all, it was fun. We got out, dropped off DJ and his girlfriend and went to Denny's. ^_^ It was fun, got back at like 1:30 and crashed at Bella's. Woke up late the next morning and started baking. I swear, Bella doesn't know how to follow recipes and half the time, I swear she was screwing up the batch of stuff. I was permanently washing out the used stuff to reuse and she had control over my mixer where she instantly pushed the speed to full and made a mess...sad sad. James had come over to help us bake, so it was all fun.
Monday, after school, I went to pick up Andrei after school. Nothing really much happened after that. NHS induction where I started getting pissed at Bella because we had a long list of errands to run before 6:30. I got there at around 6 and we didn't leave until 6:20. Umm...Excuse me? She was playing a video game well after I got there and here, I was expecting to come in and out. Gosh! So I stayed away from her most of the night and chatted with those who would approach me. I had to drag her home afterwards because my dad had almost put me on lockdown. I don't like Bella for some reasons: she's always wasting my time and seriously needs to learn the meaning of sacrifice. I used to wait outside in the cold for her every morning she would pick me up and carpool to school. I sacrificed my comfort for being on time and convenient. She can't even sacrifice a game for me. She complains of everything that doesn't go her way and seriously needs to stop caring so much about EVERYTHING. We can't all run the world, babe. Monday night, I talked to James about how much I was starting to lose my respect in Bella, and so he's now one of the only people who really know how much I hate my best friend.
Tuesday, I went out to lunch with James and it was one amusing anecdote after another. He bought a giant thing of iced tea and in the last period of the day, drank all of it. Classes that day were okay, not too amusing and conversational at best. James is really distracting when I don't want to do work...After that, we dropped people off, taught me a little how to drive manual, and then hung out with Bella and went to dinner and dessert. It was entertaining and all, and James and I had a stale mate in chess. I swear, neither of us were really paying attention throughout the game.
Wednesday, we had a robotics meeting and after that, we met up with people and we chatted and learned about each others' pasts. Eh. Nothing much really. We all went home relatively early that day. Bella finally got online and we had a short chat before she needed to shower. James and I kept going at it and such. Great fun.
Thursday, classes were okay. After school, I tutored Otter and then left to meet Bella and James for a treat and then went back to Bella's again. We watched an episode of The Big Bang Theory and I loved it. James and I had a huge game of tag and we left somewhere around 5:30. I went and bought gas, $13 worth of random stuff I kind of needed, and condoms (which I definitely don't need, but really wanted for some reason or another). The greatest thing was, it was all on my mother's credit card. Hee hee.
What's really silly is the amount of physical contact that James and I have established as a standard. It used to be occasional, but now, it's like we're always curled together. Bella's already confronted him on the subject of asking me out (seriously, everyone is matchmaking us) and the way she reported it to me was the only thing stopping him was his commitment and trust issues. Well, not trust issues, because apparently, he trusts me. That's fine. I can wait, this is fun in itself. All of it just feels like a relationship, the only part that's really missing is the part where we cutely throw around "I Love You"s. I've been getting a lot better with not playing with people and in fact, I've stopped caring about the other boys. They aren't as perfect as I want them to be and you know what? I've dropped most every game I've had.
I really like talking to James...both of them. My friend that I've started the whole cake analogy with is a wonderful person to talk to because he's always there to provide humor and I feel I can tell him anything. We think it's because he's three years younger than I am and thusly harder to pass judgment. The James that I've been obsessed about for the past ever is just so...easy to talk to. He's like an outlet that I can talk to any time and he'd listen...he's good at listening. In a sense, he's kind of the personal part of my blog. The things I don't tell my best friend when it comes to my adventures are posted here and the things I don't tell her when it comes to emotions and how much I want to beat her sometimes gets passed along to him. It just feels so good to have someone to confide in that can actually give me advice. I'd always been too proud to go to the people that I knew would listen, but now, I've needed to cry for attention, and he gave me his. The most unexpected people still will come to help if I ask for it, and I'm just really glad that there are people around like them. I'd be so lost without everyone.
-Confrontation Will Have to Come
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: Ecstacy by ATB
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Eh...Landscaping
You know what is silly? There are moments where I swear James pushes to a limit where I’m not expected to back down. In my hopeful moments, I wonder what he really wants and proceed to speculate freely (and oftentimes, it’s quite embarrassing to catch myself like that). In other moments, I shrug it off and wonder why he’s pushing his face so close to mine. Forgetting the moment, though, I stare into his eyes and wonder how I would act in a relationship with him. I’m not going to lie, after high school started, I’ve started getting more needy and physical. I mean…being the shallow and horrible person I am, I wouldn’t have any bit of a physical relationship with James. That’s why there are chocolate cakes and pieces of candy that I can freely take in. Well…somewhere, I think one of the reasons I’m so into the idea of a relationship is because deep down, there is a strong desire to prove that I am fully capable of an emotional relationship and somehow prove that I am the perfect girlfriend and can settle for the minimum…not that James is anything less than a wonderful guy.
There are moments of weakness where my little demoness wants an extra inch or two and snarls like an angry wolf when I rein her in tighter. I feel the random urge to give into this physical side where I set my demoness free and let her terrorize the male population. There are moments where people get close enough that I want to act out, but I’ve never let her go that far. I react to other people taking the initiative, but this time, I’m not starting anything. If he wants to kiss me, he’d have to do most of the work! I don’t know, there’s just something about the way I need to make myself appear to James, though, that keeps me on my best behavior around him. I mean, yes, I still make comments and think of these horribly raunchy thoughts, but I am better in his company than I am anywhere else. I don’t play as much and I am a lot more reserved. I knew he’d be good for me…
I’ve spent enough time with him in the past four months to really mean something, and recently, EVERYONE thinks we should start dating. I guess sometime between one of my last rants and like…yesterday, we’ve been lumped together as a couple for prom only because it was convenient and we were both going as singles anyways…Eh. It works. Bella thinks that it’s definitely obvious that I’m obsessed with him, so obvious that her oblivious Otter knows it. Well, then, wouldn’t that mean that eventually, I will get a direct approach thing so that I could stop obsessing?
Ooh! Side note, I got an application at Harkins, so I will fill it out eventually and turn it in. Eh. Not top priority, but sure.
I beam with pride every time he pats me on the head or says I did a good job. There is a level of knowing I am awesome every time he laughs at something silly that I’ve done. I’ve always been one to take small victories, so these small things really make me happy, you know? I’m finally getting my moments and when Bella is far away, there are comments thrown around that basically places me above her. I’ve never competed with Bella – ever. Not when I picked up an ex boyfriend of hers, not when we were both in relationships and life was all dandy and lollipops, not when we’ve competed together in competitions: she’s never been a real threat.
On this note, Bella’s been having a bit of turmoil in her relationship. I’m not going to lie; I’ve never submitted myself to this torture where I cared enough of how my time with a boyfriend was spent. I was glad to have time with him (especially after my parents went into lockdown mode) and it really didn’t matter what we were doing. Towards the end, I could have run on pure conversation. I didn’t need to see him. I was happy to see the amount of love in his eyes. I was flattered to know the privy things about him. I was amused when he presented me with cake. I guess most of it came from the fact that he was too mature for his age and whatever he did made me feel like he thought about me. He gave me a level of dominance that made me feel powerful and sexy, and so much flattered my ego and boosted my confidence that I just couldn’t stop and keel over until a new relationship after that one broke off.
I kept looking for that one hit of power and dominance. I kept looking for that one person who I could play with that would make me feel as fulfilled as he had. I never really found a person to do that, but I did find a number of people who would come to me for “favors.” I don’t want someone to keel over and wait to be abused, I wanted someone who would play along but let me get top for the sake of letting me feel powerful. I wanted someone who would let me think I had control and then easily take it away and dominate me. I want to be flattered and proven powerful and sexy, but I want to be submissive at the same time. I want to feel their power, that overwhelming force that I could take solace in, that I could be wrapped in and feel nothing else but their power over me. It’s kind of weird. I want to be worshiped and served a little, but on the other hand, I want them to strip me of all power and prove to me that they are worth running to when the day goes bad.
I swear I would so be into bondage and being tied up. I would love to be pinned down and held powerless as he slowly tortures me…Wow, that was a tangent…
I’ve stopped looking for the next game. I am happily and actively involved in a small-scale game where I try to be the cutest I can and casually interact with James, using slight amounts of physical contact. I mean, there are hugs (because I give most everyone hugs) and select moments, I choose to rest my head on his shoulder or pull closer to him or rest my hand in the crook of his arm (which is adorable because he’s way tall and it doesn’t really work that well). We’ve just gotten to a point where we’re being cute and annoying the heck out of everyone around us for not making sense at all. We randomly greet each other with “Good morning, how are you?” at any time of the day (especially past
Eh, nothing much else to talk about I guess…
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Clip The Wings That Get You High, Just Leave Them Where They Lie
My weekend really started on Thursday. My car was booted at school that day and after a bout of lying to the lady I needed to lie to, she finally got the security guards to remove the device on my tire. My friends gathered around my car for a little bit while the security people were removing the thing and while the two guards tried to figure out how to use the key (ridiculous, no?), James, Captain, Otter, and another kid walked to the other side of the parking lot. Something exploded when the foursome were halfway across the parking lot, far away from the actual explosion. After walking to where they needed to go and walked back to investigate the explosion. Come on, they're teenage males. Did you think they wouldn't? So, after noticing that there really wasn't much to it, they came back to where I was and just as I was about to pull out of the parking space, a lady called them back and directed them to the office. Long story short, they were accused of setting off an explosive and the administration (as crappy as it is) tried to get me to incriminate the four of them and even tried to get them to confess to it. For two and a half hours, it was just nonstop, hardcore trying to get them into trouble. They eventually got off with no punishments, but there was a police report filed. They had their Miranda rights read to them...Sounds like fun.
Bella joined us somewhere along the lines and the six of us eventually met up at the end of it all and discussed it through. Getting the whole story straight, another kid joined us. By this time, the straggler kid and Captain had left, leaving Bella, Otter, MoMo, James, and I. We all piled into the bed of James' truck and just sat and chatted about stuff. Otter left relatively soon after that. We talked about the blatant homosexuality of the football team and other stuff (where we all realized that I had the cleanest childhood and was really the luckiest one out of the four that remained). We eventually got out of the parking lot and Bella, James and I headed over to James' house so that he could drop off his car and we could head off to Tempe for a presentation at the Gammage theatre.
We got dinner from a place called Cornish Pasty which was really good. First sitting down, we arranged ourselves so that Bella and I were sitting on a side of where there was a bench and James was across the table on a chair. I was on the outside and after a few comments, James was coerced into moving to our side. Score! Physical contact right? Well, it wasn't that much, and really, all I did was start a game of tag...The dessert was pavlova, which is a meringue with whipped cream and fruits. It was yummy, and since I'm such a whipped cream whore, it was fun. (The story behind that: after random events where James was present, he came to the conclusion that I rather enjoyed whipped cream. In fact, it got to the point where we joke about me having - for example - waffles with my whipped cream instead of my whipped cream with waffles.) So, we decided that by the time we were done, we weren't going to make the presentation, so we just walked around Mill for a little bit.
We drove down to Mill, where Bella was sure I was going to kill us all with my driving, and started at an interesting clothing/ness store called Urban Outfitters. It was fun and we stopped and flipped through a book where action figures were arranged in interesting ways. We then headed to Hippie Gypsy, where we swore would have every parent pull out drug tests after being in there and they had the cutest stickers and signs. After that, we trekked to Borders and then back to a random Sub Deli place. It was just about 10 then so we started on our way home. Heading back, we stopped at Basha's and got stuff. Dropping people off, I returned home.
Friday, after going through school, I stayed a little bit after school and got home at 3:30. My baby brother (of 7) got home shortly after I did and imagine my surprise when he came in and cursed my brother (16 on Monday) for forgetting to pick him up! I got a few things done and in an hour, headed off to Bella's house. I called James (we were planning on catching a play called Triangle) and somehow worked it out so that we'd all meet back at my house. Well, when I got to Bella's, she was asleep-ish on her bed and kind of distraught.
After coercing her out of bed and into clothes, a string of events happened and she was distraught over Otter and the fact that it seemed like an unbalanced relationship. James showed up at the door and I was downstairs to let him in. We paced around downstairs for a little bit and listened to Bella's sister and her friends play Guitar Hero 3 before heading upstairs and setting up a game of pool. I won twice only because the 8 ball hated James and eventually, we just gave up and retreated for the sole chair in the loft (that's where we were). He took up most of the chair, but I was perched on the armrest. Wrapping an arm around him for support, I was delighted when his hand grasped mine (This is where I get silly and girly...). Eventually, Bella's sister came over and told us that Bella was crying and that we should probably go see if we could do something. We decided that I was better suited and so I went.
Bella and I talked a little bit about it, but we mostly skirted around the main point. We decided that the night was more of an "indoors" night anyways and called James into the room to redo the plans. James eventually called Otter and chewed him out about being a horrible person and we decided that the day was Bella's - whatever she wanted. So, we went out for a little bit of shopping for stuff (and even though we didn't buy anything to throw and break), we got back with soda and sparkling apple cider. Dinner and then I put a bottle of sparkling apple cider in the freezer, turning to James and instructing him to remind me to take it out later.
An hour later, I realized that the bottle was still in the freezer and nearly leaped out of my own skin to make sure it didn't explode in the freezer. It didn't. In fact, it barely froze. There were little bits of ice, but other than that, it was fine. So, pouring cups of it (into plastic cups no less, that was amusing), we sat down for another movie. Before we started, Bella called Otter and then disappeared to another room. Okay. It got a bit quiet before Bella's sister and friends came down and the dogs started barking and stuffs. Okay. We went upstairs to play another game of pool (which lasted significantly longer) and James won this time. My mother called and told me to get home, so I finished the game of pool and chatted a little with everyone before heading off.
Saturday was relatively tame in comparison I guess. I woke up to a call from Bella and rushed off to school for a practice AP test. It went alright, I finished it all in time and the essays were alright. I guess I'm expecting mediocre results. I got home, my dad a little mad that I disappeared, but he disappeared for a little, so whatever. My middle brother went off to a band thing at 2, so I drove him to school. It was his birthday, how could I not? I got back, tended to my 16-year-old brother and eventually got back from shopping for him. Eh. We got home, did some stuff, and then my dad came back home. I sat down with some sewing, and a little bit of computer ness, and eventually, told my mother to go find Birthday brother and pick him up. Two of his friends had shown up for his party thing by the time he got back, and the third showed up shortly after he did. We ran and got pizza and a cake and the boys played games until 9 when I sat them down for cake and more sparkling apple cider. All was good.
Sunday, I woke up relatively early (8-ish I guess) and woke my brothers up at 9. I sewed for an hour before I gave up on my pants. I got the boys breakfast and then hopped on my computer a little more. Eventually, we played Starcraft, which was fun. Nothing much. I withdrew 60 dollars from my account and now need a job. Tomorrow, I shall get prom ticket. Went out to dinner, and I swear, my dad just gets even more annoying the more time I spend with him. Got back, more computer, and apparently, I'm getting a printer, a chess board and set, and three keyboard keys from James on Monday...I'm looking forward to this.
This should be fun. Nothing to do but wait for the future to unfold. I can plan, but when the time comes, if I don't execute the plan, then where the hell would that leave me? I should so corner DJ's girlfriend and tell her to arrange it so that James goes to prom with me...So silly...
-Anxiety Doesn't Bode Well
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: Remedy by Seether
Bella joined us somewhere along the lines and the six of us eventually met up at the end of it all and discussed it through. Getting the whole story straight, another kid joined us. By this time, the straggler kid and Captain had left, leaving Bella, Otter, MoMo, James, and I. We all piled into the bed of James' truck and just sat and chatted about stuff. Otter left relatively soon after that. We talked about the blatant homosexuality of the football team and other stuff (where we all realized that I had the cleanest childhood and was really the luckiest one out of the four that remained). We eventually got out of the parking lot and Bella, James and I headed over to James' house so that he could drop off his car and we could head off to Tempe for a presentation at the Gammage theatre.
We got dinner from a place called Cornish Pasty which was really good. First sitting down, we arranged ourselves so that Bella and I were sitting on a side of where there was a bench and James was across the table on a chair. I was on the outside and after a few comments, James was coerced into moving to our side. Score! Physical contact right? Well, it wasn't that much, and really, all I did was start a game of tag...The dessert was pavlova, which is a meringue with whipped cream and fruits. It was yummy, and since I'm such a whipped cream whore, it was fun. (The story behind that: after random events where James was present, he came to the conclusion that I rather enjoyed whipped cream. In fact, it got to the point where we joke about me having - for example - waffles with my whipped cream instead of my whipped cream with waffles.) So, we decided that by the time we were done, we weren't going to make the presentation, so we just walked around Mill for a little bit.
We drove down to Mill, where Bella was sure I was going to kill us all with my driving, and started at an interesting clothing/ness store called Urban Outfitters. It was fun and we stopped and flipped through a book where action figures were arranged in interesting ways. We then headed to Hippie Gypsy, where we swore would have every parent pull out drug tests after being in there and they had the cutest stickers and signs. After that, we trekked to Borders and then back to a random Sub Deli place. It was just about 10 then so we started on our way home. Heading back, we stopped at Basha's and got stuff. Dropping people off, I returned home.
Friday, after going through school, I stayed a little bit after school and got home at 3:30. My baby brother (of 7) got home shortly after I did and imagine my surprise when he came in and cursed my brother (16 on Monday) for forgetting to pick him up! I got a few things done and in an hour, headed off to Bella's house. I called James (we were planning on catching a play called Triangle) and somehow worked it out so that we'd all meet back at my house. Well, when I got to Bella's, she was asleep-ish on her bed and kind of distraught.
After coercing her out of bed and into clothes, a string of events happened and she was distraught over Otter and the fact that it seemed like an unbalanced relationship. James showed up at the door and I was downstairs to let him in. We paced around downstairs for a little bit and listened to Bella's sister and her friends play Guitar Hero 3 before heading upstairs and setting up a game of pool. I won twice only because the 8 ball hated James and eventually, we just gave up and retreated for the sole chair in the loft (that's where we were). He took up most of the chair, but I was perched on the armrest. Wrapping an arm around him for support, I was delighted when his hand grasped mine (This is where I get silly and girly...). Eventually, Bella's sister came over and told us that Bella was crying and that we should probably go see if we could do something. We decided that I was better suited and so I went.
Bella and I talked a little bit about it, but we mostly skirted around the main point. We decided that the night was more of an "indoors" night anyways and called James into the room to redo the plans. James eventually called Otter and chewed him out about being a horrible person and we decided that the day was Bella's - whatever she wanted. So, we went out for a little bit of shopping for stuff (and even though we didn't buy anything to throw and break), we got back with soda and sparkling apple cider. Dinner and then I put a bottle of sparkling apple cider in the freezer, turning to James and instructing him to remind me to take it out later.
An hour later, I realized that the bottle was still in the freezer and nearly leaped out of my own skin to make sure it didn't explode in the freezer. It didn't. In fact, it barely froze. There were little bits of ice, but other than that, it was fine. So, pouring cups of it (into plastic cups no less, that was amusing), we sat down for another movie. Before we started, Bella called Otter and then disappeared to another room. Okay. It got a bit quiet before Bella's sister and friends came down and the dogs started barking and stuffs. Okay. We went upstairs to play another game of pool (which lasted significantly longer) and James won this time. My mother called and told me to get home, so I finished the game of pool and chatted a little with everyone before heading off.
Saturday was relatively tame in comparison I guess. I woke up to a call from Bella and rushed off to school for a practice AP test. It went alright, I finished it all in time and the essays were alright. I guess I'm expecting mediocre results. I got home, my dad a little mad that I disappeared, but he disappeared for a little, so whatever. My middle brother went off to a band thing at 2, so I drove him to school. It was his birthday, how could I not? I got back, tended to my 16-year-old brother and eventually got back from shopping for him. Eh. We got home, did some stuff, and then my dad came back home. I sat down with some sewing, and a little bit of computer ness, and eventually, told my mother to go find Birthday brother and pick him up. Two of his friends had shown up for his party thing by the time he got back, and the third showed up shortly after he did. We ran and got pizza and a cake and the boys played games until 9 when I sat them down for cake and more sparkling apple cider. All was good.
Sunday, I woke up relatively early (8-ish I guess) and woke my brothers up at 9. I sewed for an hour before I gave up on my pants. I got the boys breakfast and then hopped on my computer a little more. Eventually, we played Starcraft, which was fun. Nothing much. I withdrew 60 dollars from my account and now need a job. Tomorrow, I shall get prom ticket. Went out to dinner, and I swear, my dad just gets even more annoying the more time I spend with him. Got back, more computer, and apparently, I'm getting a printer, a chess board and set, and three keyboard keys from James on Monday...I'm looking forward to this.
This should be fun. Nothing to do but wait for the future to unfold. I can plan, but when the time comes, if I don't execute the plan, then where the hell would that leave me? I should so corner DJ's girlfriend and tell her to arrange it so that James goes to prom with me...So silly...
-Anxiety Doesn't Bode Well
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: Remedy by Seether
Friday, March 28, 2008
Regrets Are Better Left Unspoken
I don’t know. I’m starting to spend a lot of time with James…it’s like after the competitions at the beginning of the break, I’ve seen him three more times over break and we just spend a lot of time together. Bella had suggested that out of any of the guys I could date, he’d be the best choice: “You know, out of anyone, I think you should date him.” “I think I should date him too…” Well, Wednesday was fun. There was like…a minute of chatting in the hallway before class, the second class of our day, and then lunch…and then Robotics after that, and from like 4 PM until 9:30, I’ve been spent the day with him…Bella was with us for a majority of it, but heh…
Apparently, I’ve just sealed the decision: I’m not going to Prom this year – as I am a junior. Well, unless I get a job and somehow get my great friend to come along…I definitely want to try to go in a tux and see what they say…That and this is the last year for my senior friends, so I’d get to be with them…and no doubt James is going to accomplish something random and silly with DJ…and I just have to see it. I don’t want to shell out fifty dollars for a ticket though…It’s kind of silly and I definitely don’t have that money. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m silly for not having a gorgeous dress that could have half of the male population forget about their dates for at least three seconds, and I really don’t want to have to deal with the planning involved…because it’s a long story, but the gist of it comes down to the fact that I’m getting obsessed…which is gross and silly.
Seriously…I’ve been slightly obsessed with Silver (and that’s really the main reason why he has his nickname thing) and I’m starting to develop one for James…I swear, the more time you spend with people, you either grow to really hate them, or you grow to love them in some way. Robotics has really brought me closer to a lot of people and torn me permanently away from others. Really, I’m kind of glad I’m finally growing up and away from being so fickle and petty, but the thing is…I still don’t trust myself not to screw it up.
Being the great person I am, I like to doubt myself and the things around me. I constantly doubt that guys could have any real feelings for me besides…“a tingle in their pants” or some extraordinarily silly euphemism like that. I mean, I realize that I’m a great person…half the time. The other half of the time, I’m just sure they see me as a friend and at best…a sibling. I fear that people will set me aside as the girl that’s too perfect to date because of how close the friendship has grown or something like that.
I may be outspoken a lot of the time, but I swear, I am a wonderful girl to take home to Mom and Dad. I can seriously impress on paper and in person, and I’m well-rounded enough to fit into conversation easily. I may be questionable on the streets, but I can act like the girl-next-door or the dream girl for any parent/friend/evaluator. I’m sweet, I’m caring, I’m daring, I’m ludicrous, I’m hilarious, I’m impossible, I’m perfect, and I’m going to be the most perfect thing anyone could wish for. I try to please – I give easier than I take – and there is never a dull moment with me. I’m fairly open, but I used to lie a lot…I can and will change for you…
I’m just…Eh.
Thursday was eventful. After school, I walked into Robotics to see Silver already there. Ooh! Well, he pulled me into a huge hug and we started with simple pleasantries. “How was break?” and the like. From there, we started right off and had the other people list companies that we considered potential sponsors. Eventually, when that was just about done and most of the people left, it was just Silver, DJ and I. We went off to clean the storage room where everything we used to build was. DJ left us at 5, and for another hour, we cleared a walking space and moved everything off to a side of the room. What progress! Somewhere in that hour, Silver found a box of thumb tacks. Previously, I had noted that I wanted more of them because they were so fun and I loved them. He handed me the box, and I responded with an enthusiastic “ooh! Tacks!” He chuckled and commented about the simple ways into a girl’s heart. Later, he kidnapped the tacks, and when I tried to bargain for a ransom, he suggested partial nudity – only when I had reached 18. Apparently, he’d been in trouble for stupid things like that before…so now he’s being really cautious. Hmm…Well, we finished with the sorting for the day and went back to the classroom and ended up chatting a little with the teacher. We left shortly after that.
Anyways, coming back to this, I realized I’m becoming bolder in my little…obsession (?) of James. Friday after school, James and DJ were heading off to a nearby college for a science thing, and since James has class right next to mine, I met him at the door of his classroom and told him I was going to follow him for a good deal of time. Crossing under the stairway to one of the buildings, we ran into Snake. Seriously, this kid is so lost…but that might be because I hide what I really want away from the world. Well, after he grouped up with us, we stood around and greeted a group of friends under the stairs before we all went to the Science and Math building. Getting up the stairs and going into the classroom, we took a corner in the back (the usual haunt) and looked for DJ. He had yet to come. Some other kid came (and seriously, he’s uber obsessed with Chemistry…) and we started joking and chatting. I could easily tell that Snake was out of place, but I didn’t care. I hoped that he would either sooner or later make up an excuse and go away or get the point. He didn’t. Oh well. James decided to start organizing his laptop case, and so, pulling out mine, I did too. It was amusing. I pulled out a whole ton of note cards and just the random crap that I’ve stashed in there for ever. I ended up throwing away all of the paper in my thing…which is probably okay considering most of the stuff was definitely old anyways. I organized my bag a little too…but that didn’t get very far.
Eventually, DJ arrived. The other kid had found a burette thing and started playing with it. He squirted water at all of us, and after complaining about being wet and making inappropriate jokes, we left to travel and get things done. When three came around, they had to leave, so each taking a poster thing that we needed to load, James, DJ, Snake and I went off to James’ car (which was just next to mine…) and loaded the posters into the bed of his truck. It worked out well. They left, and so, I called Bella (who needed a ride) and loaded up with Snake. Driving away, we reached a stop close to a grocery store. Previously, DJ and James had planned to stop by a the grocery and pick up energy drinks, which made me laugh when a red pick-up pulled out (and we all assumed it was James’ car). I dropped my little guests off, and drove home.
At 4, Otter called and asked if I wanted to go over for a swim party thing. I had nothing to do, so sure, I’ll come along was the decision. Unable to think of anyone else to invite, I convinced my dad to let me go and got to his house. Bella had a play to attend, so she wasn’t there. Eh. Well, when I got there, Captain, Otter, and Otter’s twin was there and we were waiting for another girl. When she got there, we all got ready to swim and headed outside. I dove into the pool first, followed by Otter and Captain. The other girl didn’t join us because she was on her period, so she sat at the edge of the pool and silently suffered when splashed or purposely soaked. Lawlz. After sitting around the pool for half an hour (the water was freezing!), we just started chatting. I talked about sex lives and the like, discussing my adventures at the Convention towards the beginning of the year…not more than two months ago. Greed was mentioned, and the funny thing was, Captain was wondering just how fun he was.
“He was no fun at all…too easy.” I commented.
“What do you mean by too easy?” Captain teased.
“Ha! Everything” someone else said.
“Tch. No…just…” I started.
“Like he’d do anything: ‘Take off your pants!’” The second person said.
“Haha, yeah, he would have.” I responded, drifting from the topic.
We then talked about what I might go as for the next convention come Memorial weekend. It was all great fun. We later got dressed and walked to the park. We dug out the jump rope that had been in my car for weeks now and played with that. When it broke, we turned it into two whips before it became a flog. It is now in my trunk again…
Anyways: I got home at 7 and haven’t really done much at all.
I went to lunch with James on Friday. During fifth period, I tend to migrate throughout the room. Most of the students are concentrated in this little spot, and I move around a lot. Towards the beginning, I settled myself close to James and during a moment of bustle, he mentioned the plan. It has somewhat become a “tradition” that a four of us had started. The only constants (for me anyways) were James and I. Today, it was just the two of us. On random Fridays where we had that class, we would go off campus for lunch and return before the last class of the day. It always worked nicely.
We met in the parking lot, in between our two cars (as they were right next to each other). He was shuffling with a few things, so I slung my laptop into my trunk and helped him stick a large sticker to his back window. Finally, he turned to me. “Yours or mine?*” Well, not really caring which car we took, he asked about my mileage, commenting that I must have done the math constantly. Smiling appreciatively, I replied with the number I figured and he said his was just about the same. Ah…well then, that doesn’t matter then. His pick-up was just about stuffed anyways, so we took my car. Lunch was fun and we made it back just as the bell rang, dismissing us to our next class. Routing through the library, we walked out the door and headed back towards the cafeteria. Bella noticed us and asked where we had gone. Cautiously, we almost simultaneously responded with “places…” before heading off to our classes. Since they were right next to each other, we headed to the spot in between where a group of our friends gather all the time and stood and chatted until we had a minute to get to class. Saying goodbyes, we headed off to our classes. It was just…fun.
I think I’ve finally decided that no matter what, I have this huge obsession with James and the only real way to get rid of it would be harsh rejection or starting a relationship with him. Bella even said something about it in the car Friday afternoon. We were heading off to her home from dropping off Snake and I told her about how I definitely didn’t want anything to do with Snake. She told me that I had to destroy any sense of hope Snake had and just end it already, but I responded apathetically and saw it in an even more roundabout way. All I really needed to do was find myself in a commitment before he developed the balls to ask me out. “Now, if only I can find my victim before the next time he tries…” She said I didn’t need a victim – she couldn’t see why I would ever need one. “You could have [James]…You’ve hung out with him so much recently…especially over break and stuff like that.” I know I can have him, I know I want him, and I know that he’s just so cute, but right now, I don’t really need to care about the person that I break Snake’s heart with. He just needs testosterone and agree to a commitment before I exploded on Snake. He would be the best choice, and then I wouldn’t need to pretend, but with his trust and commitment issues…that’d be hard.
From a previous post, I’ve established that this is my rubric for guys:
1. He has to ask me
2. Nerdy-esque, gamer guy
3. Sci-fi/fantasy guy and be able to talk about it
4. be able to talk about literature
5. be able to talk about coding
6. Be able to understand nerdy references (which is different from being a nerd)
7. Be able to understand me.
8. Be able to grow within and out of the relationship
9. Be emotionally attached instead of physically inclined
10. Be able to appease my different moods – meaning he must be at least slightly romantic
Well: 1, 8, and 10 are kind of hard to discuss, but now, I can use this and compare everyone I could want with the rest. Yay! Now…if I could make a more extensive one for life in general…
DJ’s girlfriend (who had dubbed herself my mother) is – and this is all speculation from me, but I swear! – trying to matchmake me with James, I promise. Every time I talk about doing something with DJ and her (and then considering the fact that I’d have to be a third wheel type figure), she’d comment on the fact that I could always bring James along and wouldn’t be so much of a wheel anymore. For example, we were talking one day about prom and stuff like that when I said it would be hilarious to just dress up in the most formal dress in our closets and go to a fast food restaurant. We didn’t need to go on prom night, but you know. We giggled and said we’d go on another school’s prom night. Seriously joking, I said we’d need to drag random guys with us. She giggled a bit and said she’d take DJ over a random guy any day. I revaluated and said I’d have to take a random guy. She countered with the fact that I could always take James. Seriously, are all of my female friends that are close to him wanting me to date him? In that way, she and I would become closer (as it is almost a fact that if two really close friends – in this case James and DJ – are both dating, the two girls will either grow closer or hate the guts of the other and screw up the friendship…but we wouldn’t do that!) and it’d all be entertaining and amusing. I swear, the idea of asking James myself is starting to look better and better…
Grr! I’m so close to asking the people around him how he feels about me. I’m still ignoring some parts of the truth, but we’ve had so much fun that I think that I’m entitled to…I guess the next time DJ and I have a heart-to-heart chat, I can bring it up. I don’t know…I just feel kind of awkward trying to fish it out of the people around him…it’s just weird. Well…This is me pretending and masquerading.
*The funny thing is, I had the exact line on the tip of my tongue. And now, I realize (hey! I am being perfectly innocent when the thought of relationships come to mind…and I’ve been pondering that a lot…It’s like one of my masks…just…not really a mask) how interesting that sounds…Truthfully, me backseat is kind of small and he has a truckbed. Tch. ^_^ Let’s stop now, kk? k.
- There Is Nothing More I Want To Do Than Take It All Back
Scarlet Bloodmoon
PS – My newest name obsession is Lilith. She is, from the bible-ness, the first woman-creature created by God, but was pure evil. She spawned demonic legions and seduces men in their beds. How fun is that? She’s the Succubus.
Title from: Rise Above This by Seether.
Apparently, I’ve just sealed the decision: I’m not going to Prom this year – as I am a junior. Well, unless I get a job and somehow get my great friend to come along…I definitely want to try to go in a tux and see what they say…That and this is the last year for my senior friends, so I’d get to be with them…and no doubt James is going to accomplish something random and silly with DJ…and I just have to see it. I don’t want to shell out fifty dollars for a ticket though…It’s kind of silly and I definitely don’t have that money. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m silly for not having a gorgeous dress that could have half of the male population forget about their dates for at least three seconds, and I really don’t want to have to deal with the planning involved…because it’s a long story, but the gist of it comes down to the fact that I’m getting obsessed…which is gross and silly.
Seriously…I’ve been slightly obsessed with Silver (and that’s really the main reason why he has his nickname thing) and I’m starting to develop one for James…I swear, the more time you spend with people, you either grow to really hate them, or you grow to love them in some way. Robotics has really brought me closer to a lot of people and torn me permanently away from others. Really, I’m kind of glad I’m finally growing up and away from being so fickle and petty, but the thing is…I still don’t trust myself not to screw it up.
Being the great person I am, I like to doubt myself and the things around me. I constantly doubt that guys could have any real feelings for me besides…“a tingle in their pants” or some extraordinarily silly euphemism like that. I mean, I realize that I’m a great person…half the time. The other half of the time, I’m just sure they see me as a friend and at best…a sibling. I fear that people will set me aside as the girl that’s too perfect to date because of how close the friendship has grown or something like that.
I may be outspoken a lot of the time, but I swear, I am a wonderful girl to take home to Mom and Dad. I can seriously impress on paper and in person, and I’m well-rounded enough to fit into conversation easily. I may be questionable on the streets, but I can act like the girl-next-door or the dream girl for any parent/friend/evaluator. I’m sweet, I’m caring, I’m daring, I’m ludicrous, I’m hilarious, I’m impossible, I’m perfect, and I’m going to be the most perfect thing anyone could wish for. I try to please – I give easier than I take – and there is never a dull moment with me. I’m fairly open, but I used to lie a lot…I can and will change for you…
I’m just…Eh.
Thursday was eventful. After school, I walked into Robotics to see Silver already there. Ooh! Well, he pulled me into a huge hug and we started with simple pleasantries. “How was break?” and the like. From there, we started right off and had the other people list companies that we considered potential sponsors. Eventually, when that was just about done and most of the people left, it was just Silver, DJ and I. We went off to clean the storage room where everything we used to build was. DJ left us at 5, and for another hour, we cleared a walking space and moved everything off to a side of the room. What progress! Somewhere in that hour, Silver found a box of thumb tacks. Previously, I had noted that I wanted more of them because they were so fun and I loved them. He handed me the box, and I responded with an enthusiastic “ooh! Tacks!” He chuckled and commented about the simple ways into a girl’s heart. Later, he kidnapped the tacks, and when I tried to bargain for a ransom, he suggested partial nudity – only when I had reached 18. Apparently, he’d been in trouble for stupid things like that before…so now he’s being really cautious. Hmm…Well, we finished with the sorting for the day and went back to the classroom and ended up chatting a little with the teacher. We left shortly after that.
Anyways, coming back to this, I realized I’m becoming bolder in my little…obsession (?) of James. Friday after school, James and DJ were heading off to a nearby college for a science thing, and since James has class right next to mine, I met him at the door of his classroom and told him I was going to follow him for a good deal of time. Crossing under the stairway to one of the buildings, we ran into Snake. Seriously, this kid is so lost…but that might be because I hide what I really want away from the world. Well, after he grouped up with us, we stood around and greeted a group of friends under the stairs before we all went to the Science and Math building. Getting up the stairs and going into the classroom, we took a corner in the back (the usual haunt) and looked for DJ. He had yet to come. Some other kid came (and seriously, he’s uber obsessed with Chemistry…) and we started joking and chatting. I could easily tell that Snake was out of place, but I didn’t care. I hoped that he would either sooner or later make up an excuse and go away or get the point. He didn’t. Oh well. James decided to start organizing his laptop case, and so, pulling out mine, I did too. It was amusing. I pulled out a whole ton of note cards and just the random crap that I’ve stashed in there for ever. I ended up throwing away all of the paper in my thing…which is probably okay considering most of the stuff was definitely old anyways. I organized my bag a little too…but that didn’t get very far.
Eventually, DJ arrived. The other kid had found a burette thing and started playing with it. He squirted water at all of us, and after complaining about being wet and making inappropriate jokes, we left to travel and get things done. When three came around, they had to leave, so each taking a poster thing that we needed to load, James, DJ, Snake and I went off to James’ car (which was just next to mine…) and loaded the posters into the bed of his truck. It worked out well. They left, and so, I called Bella (who needed a ride) and loaded up with Snake. Driving away, we reached a stop close to a grocery store. Previously, DJ and James had planned to stop by a the grocery and pick up energy drinks, which made me laugh when a red pick-up pulled out (and we all assumed it was James’ car). I dropped my little guests off, and drove home.
At 4, Otter called and asked if I wanted to go over for a swim party thing. I had nothing to do, so sure, I’ll come along was the decision. Unable to think of anyone else to invite, I convinced my dad to let me go and got to his house. Bella had a play to attend, so she wasn’t there. Eh. Well, when I got there, Captain, Otter, and Otter’s twin was there and we were waiting for another girl. When she got there, we all got ready to swim and headed outside. I dove into the pool first, followed by Otter and Captain. The other girl didn’t join us because she was on her period, so she sat at the edge of the pool and silently suffered when splashed or purposely soaked. Lawlz. After sitting around the pool for half an hour (the water was freezing!), we just started chatting. I talked about sex lives and the like, discussing my adventures at the Convention towards the beginning of the year…not more than two months ago. Greed was mentioned, and the funny thing was, Captain was wondering just how fun he was.
“He was no fun at all…too easy.” I commented.
“What do you mean by too easy?” Captain teased.
“Ha! Everything” someone else said.
“Tch. No…just…” I started.
“Like he’d do anything: ‘Take off your pants!’” The second person said.
“Haha, yeah, he would have.” I responded, drifting from the topic.
We then talked about what I might go as for the next convention come Memorial weekend. It was all great fun. We later got dressed and walked to the park. We dug out the jump rope that had been in my car for weeks now and played with that. When it broke, we turned it into two whips before it became a flog. It is now in my trunk again…
Anyways: I got home at 7 and haven’t really done much at all.
I went to lunch with James on Friday. During fifth period, I tend to migrate throughout the room. Most of the students are concentrated in this little spot, and I move around a lot. Towards the beginning, I settled myself close to James and during a moment of bustle, he mentioned the plan. It has somewhat become a “tradition” that a four of us had started. The only constants (for me anyways) were James and I. Today, it was just the two of us. On random Fridays where we had that class, we would go off campus for lunch and return before the last class of the day. It always worked nicely.
We met in the parking lot, in between our two cars (as they were right next to each other). He was shuffling with a few things, so I slung my laptop into my trunk and helped him stick a large sticker to his back window. Finally, he turned to me. “Yours or mine?*” Well, not really caring which car we took, he asked about my mileage, commenting that I must have done the math constantly. Smiling appreciatively, I replied with the number I figured and he said his was just about the same. Ah…well then, that doesn’t matter then. His pick-up was just about stuffed anyways, so we took my car. Lunch was fun and we made it back just as the bell rang, dismissing us to our next class. Routing through the library, we walked out the door and headed back towards the cafeteria. Bella noticed us and asked where we had gone. Cautiously, we almost simultaneously responded with “places…” before heading off to our classes. Since they were right next to each other, we headed to the spot in between where a group of our friends gather all the time and stood and chatted until we had a minute to get to class. Saying goodbyes, we headed off to our classes. It was just…fun.
I think I’ve finally decided that no matter what, I have this huge obsession with James and the only real way to get rid of it would be harsh rejection or starting a relationship with him. Bella even said something about it in the car Friday afternoon. We were heading off to her home from dropping off Snake and I told her about how I definitely didn’t want anything to do with Snake. She told me that I had to destroy any sense of hope Snake had and just end it already, but I responded apathetically and saw it in an even more roundabout way. All I really needed to do was find myself in a commitment before he developed the balls to ask me out. “Now, if only I can find my victim before the next time he tries…” She said I didn’t need a victim – she couldn’t see why I would ever need one. “You could have [James]…You’ve hung out with him so much recently…especially over break and stuff like that.” I know I can have him, I know I want him, and I know that he’s just so cute, but right now, I don’t really need to care about the person that I break Snake’s heart with. He just needs testosterone and agree to a commitment before I exploded on Snake. He would be the best choice, and then I wouldn’t need to pretend, but with his trust and commitment issues…that’d be hard.
From a previous post, I’ve established that this is my rubric for guys:
1. He has to ask me
2. Nerdy-esque, gamer guy
3. Sci-fi/fantasy guy and be able to talk about it
4. be able to talk about literature
5. be able to talk about coding
6. Be able to understand nerdy references (which is different from being a nerd)
7. Be able to understand me.
8. Be able to grow within and out of the relationship
9. Be emotionally attached instead of physically inclined
10. Be able to appease my different moods – meaning he must be at least slightly romantic
Well: 1, 8, and 10 are kind of hard to discuss, but now, I can use this and compare everyone I could want with the rest. Yay! Now…if I could make a more extensive one for life in general…
DJ’s girlfriend (who had dubbed herself my mother) is – and this is all speculation from me, but I swear! – trying to matchmake me with James, I promise. Every time I talk about doing something with DJ and her (and then considering the fact that I’d have to be a third wheel type figure), she’d comment on the fact that I could always bring James along and wouldn’t be so much of a wheel anymore. For example, we were talking one day about prom and stuff like that when I said it would be hilarious to just dress up in the most formal dress in our closets and go to a fast food restaurant. We didn’t need to go on prom night, but you know. We giggled and said we’d go on another school’s prom night. Seriously joking, I said we’d need to drag random guys with us. She giggled a bit and said she’d take DJ over a random guy any day. I revaluated and said I’d have to take a random guy. She countered with the fact that I could always take James. Seriously, are all of my female friends that are close to him wanting me to date him? In that way, she and I would become closer (as it is almost a fact that if two really close friends – in this case James and DJ – are both dating, the two girls will either grow closer or hate the guts of the other and screw up the friendship…but we wouldn’t do that!) and it’d all be entertaining and amusing. I swear, the idea of asking James myself is starting to look better and better…
Grr! I’m so close to asking the people around him how he feels about me. I’m still ignoring some parts of the truth, but we’ve had so much fun that I think that I’m entitled to…I guess the next time DJ and I have a heart-to-heart chat, I can bring it up. I don’t know…I just feel kind of awkward trying to fish it out of the people around him…it’s just weird. Well…This is me pretending and masquerading.
*The funny thing is, I had the exact line on the tip of my tongue. And now, I realize (hey! I am being perfectly innocent when the thought of relationships come to mind…and I’ve been pondering that a lot…It’s like one of my masks…just…not really a mask) how interesting that sounds…Truthfully, me backseat is kind of small and he has a truckbed. Tch. ^_^ Let’s stop now, kk? k.
- There Is Nothing More I Want To Do Than Take It All Back
Scarlet Bloodmoon
PS – My newest name obsession is Lilith. She is, from the bible-ness, the first woman-creature created by God, but was pure evil. She spawned demonic legions and seduces men in their beds. How fun is that? She’s the Succubus.
Title from: Rise Above This by Seether.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Pick Your Prey in a Wicked Way
Today was fun. I woke up at...about 3 this afternoon after missing a call from Snake. Now, I haven't really talked to him much, and the funniest thing ever is, he's still trying to get me.
Snake wanted to see if I wanted to go to the movies today. I told him I couldn't as my parents had left for California and put us under a sort of house arrest. No one can come over, and we can't go anywhere. (Well, not quite. My mother is lenient when it comes to birthday parties.) He was a tad disappointed, but I guess had to suck it up and get over it (as I offered little genuine sympathy). We then started chatting about what was going on over break and whatnot, and told him that I had been pretty bored. I guess I told him the highlight of my break was baking a cake, but I think I thought he meant of my house arrest when he was talking about my break. So not true. My most exciting was the night out or the birthday party! Anyways, he settled with making a movie date for the next weekend. Eh. I'll find a way out or bring someone along at the last minute just to ruin his plans. ^_^ I will not fall victim to him wanting a relationship. Nope!
Rawr! Okay. Well...then if was off to my laptop, where I spent the next three hours reading over things and talking to people...eating a little, and then my brother wanted to go to a friend's birthday thing. Cool, okay. I took him. My mother decided to let me go to the mall to wait for him because it was closer than going home and then coming back. Sure! So, I went and bought 28 Magic: the Gathering cards and 3 20-sided dice. Yes! Well, I went back, got my brother, and then got pizza for the other brother at home. (Oh, that's right: home life = 3 brothers and my parents.)
Came back home, and went off to read this online story that I've been reading for a little. I mean, it's not wonderful, but I like reading it. Anyways, it made me start thinking about what kind of guy I would need in order for me to keep interested and challenged. I've always known I needed someone to challenge me, and thinking back on my previous relationship, I knew that he challenged me and kept me in line sometimes, but I had most of the dominance in the relationship. Not all of it, but just more than half. I also realized that I lost interest in Greed because he was so easy. I dominated him and he put up no chase or challenge. I live to try for what I could never have. I need something that I can't have and strive for. I need a challenge...Coming a day after Silver challenged me...hmm...
I also starting thinking about my friend Bella. There's a little back story, so here we go: At the beginning of Spring Break, I spent the night with Bella. We decided to go and get dinner and get blue hair dye. I got tired of my purple hair and wanted to move on to another color. So, I settled for blue and Bella had some interest in dying her hair too. So, that night we went to her house, tried a strand test on her sister (who was blond, so that kind of worked nicely) and really liked the color. Since I had a strip of hair that was already bleached from the purple dye that had already faded away, I had a very good idea where to put the blue. Bella grabbed a section of her bangs and decided to dye that. Okay. So, an hour and a half later, we washed out the dye (it wasn't in that long, but other stuff and gone on) and she decided that she didn't like the dye job at all. She broke down about it. She called her boyfriend and was talking to him about how badly the night had been because of it. Not fair! We had a fun dinner and really enjoyed ourselves until we washed off the dye! She broke even more when we couldn't fix the mistake without making her whole half of her head blue. It wasn't even that bad, and if I had that, I'd find a way to incorporate it! Eh. It was break and she was going to Mexico. Nothing like sun and salt to wash out dye. She still was looking for sympathy and after Otter could give it to her, she cried and got moody.
So, the point is, I was wondering if I would ever be able to stand a relationship with Otter. I don't want one, but the thing is, would I be able to love him like she does? No. I need someone to intellectually entertain and humor me. I want someone to get all of my jokes and references, and I want someone who isn't going to run off with his friends for something stupid/silly unless I've already done so. (Not really...It sounds so mean: like I want someone who will be able to achieve telepathy and be able to go from there.) No, I needed someone with a little more responsibility and maturity. Otter would make a fine friend and joker, but not relationship material for me. You know...that splicing idea...
I really want to retain a lot of the stuff that happened in previous relationships and have the personalities of a lot of my cakes. -Sigh-
So, I had a really entertaining conversation with someone about Super Smash Brothers: Brawl. He hated what happened to it, but as I've played selective things and really enjoy the idea the WiFi they've implemented among other things, I conversed about how he was kind of on crack. Eh. Still, it was fun because I got to talk about nerd stuff to someone who could return fire.
Well, I'm going to stop now and enjoy the cake I made last night. Yum!
-The Spiraling Has Finally Stopped, But Do I Have To Climb Out Myself?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: She Is My Sin by Nightwish
Snake wanted to see if I wanted to go to the movies today. I told him I couldn't as my parents had left for California and put us under a sort of house arrest. No one can come over, and we can't go anywhere. (Well, not quite. My mother is lenient when it comes to birthday parties.) He was a tad disappointed, but I guess had to suck it up and get over it (as I offered little genuine sympathy). We then started chatting about what was going on over break and whatnot, and told him that I had been pretty bored. I guess I told him the highlight of my break was baking a cake, but I think I thought he meant of my house arrest when he was talking about my break. So not true. My most exciting was the night out or the birthday party! Anyways, he settled with making a movie date for the next weekend. Eh. I'll find a way out or bring someone along at the last minute just to ruin his plans. ^_^ I will not fall victim to him wanting a relationship. Nope!
Rawr! Okay. Well...then if was off to my laptop, where I spent the next three hours reading over things and talking to people...eating a little, and then my brother wanted to go to a friend's birthday thing. Cool, okay. I took him. My mother decided to let me go to the mall to wait for him because it was closer than going home and then coming back. Sure! So, I went and bought 28 Magic: the Gathering cards and 3 20-sided dice. Yes! Well, I went back, got my brother, and then got pizza for the other brother at home. (Oh, that's right: home life = 3 brothers and my parents.)
Came back home, and went off to read this online story that I've been reading for a little. I mean, it's not wonderful, but I like reading it. Anyways, it made me start thinking about what kind of guy I would need in order for me to keep interested and challenged. I've always known I needed someone to challenge me, and thinking back on my previous relationship, I knew that he challenged me and kept me in line sometimes, but I had most of the dominance in the relationship. Not all of it, but just more than half. I also realized that I lost interest in Greed because he was so easy. I dominated him and he put up no chase or challenge. I live to try for what I could never have. I need something that I can't have and strive for. I need a challenge...Coming a day after Silver challenged me...hmm...
I also starting thinking about my friend Bella. There's a little back story, so here we go: At the beginning of Spring Break, I spent the night with Bella. We decided to go and get dinner and get blue hair dye. I got tired of my purple hair and wanted to move on to another color. So, I settled for blue and Bella had some interest in dying her hair too. So, that night we went to her house, tried a strand test on her sister (who was blond, so that kind of worked nicely) and really liked the color. Since I had a strip of hair that was already bleached from the purple dye that had already faded away, I had a very good idea where to put the blue. Bella grabbed a section of her bangs and decided to dye that. Okay. So, an hour and a half later, we washed out the dye (it wasn't in that long, but other stuff and gone on) and she decided that she didn't like the dye job at all. She broke down about it. She called her boyfriend and was talking to him about how badly the night had been because of it. Not fair! We had a fun dinner and really enjoyed ourselves until we washed off the dye! She broke even more when we couldn't fix the mistake without making her whole half of her head blue. It wasn't even that bad, and if I had that, I'd find a way to incorporate it! Eh. It was break and she was going to Mexico. Nothing like sun and salt to wash out dye. She still was looking for sympathy and after Otter could give it to her, she cried and got moody.
So, the point is, I was wondering if I would ever be able to stand a relationship with Otter. I don't want one, but the thing is, would I be able to love him like she does? No. I need someone to intellectually entertain and humor me. I want someone to get all of my jokes and references, and I want someone who isn't going to run off with his friends for something stupid/silly unless I've already done so. (Not really...It sounds so mean: like I want someone who will be able to achieve telepathy and be able to go from there.) No, I needed someone with a little more responsibility and maturity. Otter would make a fine friend and joker, but not relationship material for me. You know...that splicing idea...
I really want to retain a lot of the stuff that happened in previous relationships and have the personalities of a lot of my cakes. -Sigh-
So, I had a really entertaining conversation with someone about Super Smash Brothers: Brawl. He hated what happened to it, but as I've played selective things and really enjoy the idea the WiFi they've implemented among other things, I conversed about how he was kind of on crack. Eh. Still, it was fun because I got to talk about nerd stuff to someone who could return fire.
Well, I'm going to stop now and enjoy the cake I made last night. Yum!
-The Spiraling Has Finally Stopped, But Do I Have To Climb Out Myself?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: She Is My Sin by Nightwish
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Conversation Tidbits
So, I don't really remember the full context of what we were talking about, or where we were, but there is a tidbit of conversation that I can remember with my best friend.
We were talking about something related to sex and probably about how her boyfriend (which will be named Otter) won't give her oral, but she's given him oral before.
I decided that Otter was silly and had fears based on unfounded online "experiences" and information. My remark? Something along the lines of "That's ridiculous. We taste better than they do, and he won't do it?"
My dear friend Bella, a little confused, asked how I knew how we tasted. She made a reference to an act of cunnilingus, truly wondering.
Smirking, I responded, "That too, among others."
Of course, not talking about other guys, but of masturbation, I was surprised to find out that she wouldn't consider that one first, and probably hadn't actually masturbated herself. Okay, I'm not going to lie, I first started while reading my first trashy romance novel in eighth grade. From there, I've played with different ways to entertain myself. I have felt ashamed before of sharing that information before, but recently, I've come to terms with it and decided that there is nothing wrong with enjoying myself in that way.
Silver: have you ever played with yourself?
me: yes
Silver: but no orgasm?
interesting
me: I'm an interesting person
I am, however, still waiting for an earth-shattering orgasm.
Grr, don't you hate it when you start to develop fantasies and either the counterpart/partner is a complete mystery, or is someone you need to stop thinking about?
We were talking about something related to sex and probably about how her boyfriend (which will be named Otter) won't give her oral, but she's given him oral before.
I decided that Otter was silly and had fears based on unfounded online "experiences" and information. My remark? Something along the lines of "That's ridiculous. We taste better than they do, and he won't do it?"
My dear friend Bella, a little confused, asked how I knew how we tasted. She made a reference to an act of cunnilingus, truly wondering.
Smirking, I responded, "That too, among others."
Of course, not talking about other guys, but of masturbation, I was surprised to find out that she wouldn't consider that one first, and probably hadn't actually masturbated herself. Okay, I'm not going to lie, I first started while reading my first trashy romance novel in eighth grade. From there, I've played with different ways to entertain myself. I have felt ashamed before of sharing that information before, but recently, I've come to terms with it and decided that there is nothing wrong with enjoying myself in that way.
Silver: have you ever played with yourself?
me: yes
Silver: but no orgasm?
interesting
me: I'm an interesting person
I am, however, still waiting for an earth-shattering orgasm.
Grr, don't you hate it when you start to develop fantasies and either the counterpart/partner is a complete mystery, or is someone you need to stop thinking about?
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