We're All Fucked Up

So Daniel tried to kill himself tonight. It was around 8:30 pm and he had taped the cracks on the door and tried to poison himself with carbon monoxide. After a huge bout of being shellshocked, finding ample distraction in small things, I stopped crying. James came over for a little, provided comfort and light-heartedness where he could, and my dad had started hardcore yelling by the time he left. Apparently, Dad had started hitting Daniel at that time too. My mom yelled some, watched them closely, but eventually went to bed when things cooled down a tick.

After this entire thing, I'm more and more sure that Daniel might be clinically depressed. He's always had a darker sense of humor, and always wrote darker things, and got really into Existentialism for a bit. He had said that everything was boring and empty and he has a huge dependency on gaming, which I guess is really the only thing he has that makes him happy. Now, my dad is currently belittling the fact that he may need help, and if I were clinically depressed, the entire thing could seriously make me try again.

The thing with my dad is, he thinks this is a normal family. Tch. As if. Jeremy is currently heavily dependent on nicotine, tries to get marijuana when/wherever possible, and definitely needs to straighten out. Daniel just tried to fucking kill himself. I am so sick and tired of his bullshit and overriding arrogance that I can't wait to leave. He seriously believes that everyone should be exactly like him and that everything is about him. If he is unhappy, he pinpoints a problem and just picks at it. He resorts to physical violence sometimes, berates, and humiliates. He just lashes out. I no longer tell him anything because it's no use. It doesn't matter that there is no way to make his wishes work, it has to be done his way. It doesn't matter what my motivations are behind my actions. It doesn't matter that this is my way of dealing with things. If it isn't agreeable to his options, they are wrong. No matter what.

My dad constantly wants us to be "a normal family." He pretends that we are. What other normal family has one figure antagonize everyone and drives a wedge between everyone? What other normal family pretty much all-but-disowns a child and "ignores" everything he does? What other normal family works like ours? What other normal family has everyone hating on one person just because that one person is so obscenely selfish and stubborn and power-hungry? He seeks to control everything because he is afraid of losing everything. He is so caught up in this that he doesn't realize that he pretty much already has. Of course, I'm wrong to go out on weekends but he goes out and shoots every weekend and is gone for most of the day. I'm wrong for my actions but he can do whatever he wants simply because none of us are in the financial position to do anything about it.

This is definitely a learning experience. I've learned to shut up and take it. I've learned to take belittlement and still walk away with all of my dignity, self-worth, and self-confidence in tact. I've learned how to deal with people like this and to stick it out for as long as possible. I've also learned that I don't want to deal with this shit any longer.

So I've been bottling everything, and I guess the earthquake of today shattered everything. I am so emotionally unstable right now. I guess that is completely my fault for storing this stuff for so long. At least it doesn't really hurt more than it did originally...but I got all of the really old stuff out awhile ago dealing with relationships, hormones, sappy movies, and other pointless shit. It feels good to cry, but I always get snotty and I hate how I look when I cry. I definitely think I look completely less attractive with red puffy eyes and a super runny nose. I totally feel better though.

At least I know how not to raise kids.

-Yay Family Problems...
Scarlet Bloodmoon