We are all finally adults, but it doesn't feel like it. I still agree with everything everyone says, and am in the middle of all the groups because of it. I still have the messiest room ever, but that's how my mind works. I still am in love with giving away all of my time, am still super miserly, and I am still a kid unless I grew up so fast I don't remember the transition.
It's scary. Technically, I could be in charge of children: pure, innocent, clean slates. This scares me to no end. I am not ready for huge responsibility. Sometimes, I'm not even responsible enough for myself and constantly amaze myself that I can actually get up in the mornings. When did this happen?
Finally, James is legal. It's been three months since I've been legal, and for those three months, it really hasn't bothered me. But, finally, we can do stuff that he's never been able to. Umm...like we can go to clubs? But I guess, we're not really going to do much of that stuff...
(March 22, 2009)
He got all excited about the things he is now allowed to do, and asked if I had felt it too. I really haven't. Life hasn't really changed for me since I turned 18. I am now more cautious because my dad has a short temper and can really throw me out and I'd have nowhere to go. All of my friends were 17 still and I would have no one to do silly and crazy adult stuff with. I mean, yeah, I can get tattoos and piercings, but I don't want to look after it, and I don't want to not be able to do stuff because of a huge open wound thing I have.
So, I was reading some of my first posts, going through the first like 25 posts to find a date of something before going back and reading things. It is silly how many things don't apply anymore, or contrast so sharply from what is today. There was a post way back in March, probably a little more than a year ago, where I talk about a tad of palm-reading I had read into and what the meanings of pinky rings were. Well, over the summer, I had gotten one: a cute little silver ring with a spherical piece of hematite mounted and such. And then, I think shortly after getting it, we go to the beach. These two Polish guys come up to me and blatantly start flirting with me despite the language barrier. It got to the point where the guy who was mainly flirting had to rely on the other guy to translate. That was ridiculous. But before I got the ring, we had gone to a club and I had gotten two guys to dance with me simultaneously. So I guess, I'm just the type of person where I exude a sense of confidence to the point where I'm approachable, but still picky enough to need some sort of stability to go further than simple banter.
When I was in Eindhoven, I had a slightly prophetic dream? James was sitting in a wooden chair without arms and I had approached him. Either there was some light banter, or not, but eventually, I kissed him. He pulled me onto his lap and we kissed again. Beaming, I had said, "We suck at being just friends." As it turns out, yes, we were the worst "just friends" couple ever.
But anyways, I guess the whole point of this little digression was to say that my pinky ring doesn't really mean that I'm looking for sex (even though when I lose it, we seem to find less time for it), but that I had left all of my emotional baggage and finally moved on. It was also the joint that I had participated in smoking, and the other that I had shared with Jeremy. It was dancing with about four or five people at the club, getting slightly tipsy, and just having a great time in a manner my goody-goody self wouldn't do. Yes, I got sex after I got my ring, but only because I had left every bit of the morals I could live without behind. And to think that at one point, I had declared to practice abstinence. Tch.
So I guess from here on out, everything I do is my decision. I have no one to blame for the things I do except myself. Well, at least I can go buy things to make the rest of my life just a little bit more fun.
-Give Me The Road to Fulfillment; Forget Morals and Decency
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Friday, March 20, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Woo, It's been a year and two days.
Wow, I was really a whiny little girl. And it's silly: I started this thing 367 days ago to detail any amount of scandal or gossip in my life in an attempt to convince myself that Spring Break didn't have to be horribly boring because I was completely hopeless and single. My life, currently, would outrage so many religious people and worry my mother to no end, but I don't talk about everything I do. Maybe now that I have attention, I'm censoring myself! What's this?
Maybe it's because I don't need to remember every little bit of this stuff and so I've stopped talking about it, or maybe because it is really of no consequence to you, the reader, what I have done.
But anyways: Steak and a Blowjob day.
Basically, it is the male version of Valentine's Day (as it is about 28 days afterward). On Valentine's Day, the guy usually works his ass off trying to do something sweet and creative to "prove" his love for his partner. The commercial holiday basically is aimed at girls: all the spending goes towards them anyways. So, on March 14th, guys are "spoiled" with steak and a blowjob (which typically are the two things guys always want...well, if they can't get steak and sex).
Anyways, yesterday was fun. At like 3 ish, went to the driving range with James. It was fun, stress relieving, and silly. We left at like 4 and ended driving around for a good hour and a half. We stopped by the Walgreen's and decided to wander the aisles: ended up at the family planning aisle. Did you know that the Lambskin condoms are like 3-4 dollars a piece? That's pricy. We ended up at my house and sat and chatted for a little bit. James decided to put some coolent in his AC system and as he popped his hood up, my mom walks out of the garage. She asks if everything is okay and after a short explanation, she invites James to dinner. So we head off to dinner, Andrei was riding in the backseat.
At the end of dinner, my dad basically said he was the only one there with a real job. That was mean. On the way back home, my mom calls and says there's a UFO thing. We decided it was a blimp. So when we got to my house, James and I sat in the car and we pondered how he was different from all of my other relationships. The list got ridiculous.
Today hasn't been that exciting. Eh, tired
-What is it with Milestones?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Maybe it's because I don't need to remember every little bit of this stuff and so I've stopped talking about it, or maybe because it is really of no consequence to you, the reader, what I have done.
But anyways: Steak and a Blowjob day.
Basically, it is the male version of Valentine's Day (as it is about 28 days afterward). On Valentine's Day, the guy usually works his ass off trying to do something sweet and creative to "prove" his love for his partner. The commercial holiday basically is aimed at girls: all the spending goes towards them anyways. So, on March 14th, guys are "spoiled" with steak and a blowjob (which typically are the two things guys always want...well, if they can't get steak and sex).
Anyways, yesterday was fun. At like 3 ish, went to the driving range with James. It was fun, stress relieving, and silly. We left at like 4 and ended driving around for a good hour and a half. We stopped by the Walgreen's and decided to wander the aisles: ended up at the family planning aisle. Did you know that the Lambskin condoms are like 3-4 dollars a piece? That's pricy. We ended up at my house and sat and chatted for a little bit. James decided to put some coolent in his AC system and as he popped his hood up, my mom walks out of the garage. She asks if everything is okay and after a short explanation, she invites James to dinner. So we head off to dinner, Andrei was riding in the backseat.
At the end of dinner, my dad basically said he was the only one there with a real job. That was mean. On the way back home, my mom calls and says there's a UFO thing. We decided it was a blimp. So when we got to my house, James and I sat in the car and we pondered how he was different from all of my other relationships. The list got ridiculous.
Today hasn't been that exciting. Eh, tired
-What is it with Milestones?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Thursday, March 12, 2009
My Life in Terms of PostSecret
I guess my first encounter with PostSecret was while sitting in the family room watching one of those music channels before it was all rap and reality junk. All American Rejects had just come out with "Dirty Little Secret" and their music video was playing on MTV or Fuse or one of those. Anyways, all throughout the video, they have people hold up little secrets. Those come from the first PostSecret book. This was my first encounter with the project, though at the time, I had no idea about it.
Next, it was probably the day after Christmas 2007 in Vegas. My mother and I were shopping at the Forums and wandered into an Anthropologie. I guess the fact that the store was completely "liberal" and "hippie" attracted both my mother and I, so we spent a decent amount of time in there. I tend to shop based on the price tag, and since this was the Forums, it'll all be expensive stuff that I might try to find a knock-off of elsewhere. So, I wandered to the back of the store, and there was a little section of books just piled ontop of each other. It was a simple brown book that looked like it was wrapped in a paper grocery bag. Big black lettering read "Post Secret." Okay. I opened it up. I flipped through the pages, read the secrets, and I guess I might have connected with some, cried over others, and was appalled at how violent the others were. We left shortly after.
Sometime in mid 2008, an application on Facebook invited me to a Post Secret application thing were it allowed you to attach secrets to posts and comments. This reminded me of the project, and so I went to their website. I browsed through pages and pages of people's favorite secrets, the painful ones, the sweet ones, and the ones that made me cry for hours because it made me feel so empty or because I connected way too much to the heartbroken and slightly pitiful people. I wrote some of the things I wish I could tell people on little pieces of cardstock I had in my room, hid them away, stared at the hiding place, and eventually burned the bits of secrets I had written. They aren't important anymore anyways. I saved all the secrets from PostSecret that I enjoyed: the ones that I laughed at, the ones that were super sweet, or the ones that made me giggle because they were ludacris and bold.
I have a feeling that there is a postcard out there for every step of my life. There is a postcard out there that can perfectly summarize my childhood, the hatred I had for people going through my things, the annoyance every time someone dug through my drawers to find the bag of candy I was planning on saving. There is a postcard for high school. Something about finding and losing friends and about falling in and out of love. There is one that will summarize the rest of my adult life. I hope it's a good one.
So I guess in the spirit of this whole huge blog post about PostSecret, the postcard of the day:
We had an AcDec party at James' house today. At 6:36 ish, I get to his house, open the front screen thing and walk into the living room. His dad kind of double-takes as I walk in and I manage a super pathetic hello because my voice was shot from being sick. Sat down, watched some South Park, and eventually talked about what we were planning on having for dinner. Eventually went to Arby's, because they had a really good deal going on. Sat around waiting for Dmitri to finish a cigarette, talked about how pathetic he is, and then headed back. Spent the last hour watching The Onion Movie and curling up with James. It was all good and fun. I miss being able to do that. I want to be able to stay in his arms for hours, listening to his heart beating.
At the end of the hour, I totally didn't want to go. (Wow, that was a really crappy summary...) Anyways, that was the secret of that moment.
Next, it was probably the day after Christmas 2007 in Vegas. My mother and I were shopping at the Forums and wandered into an Anthropologie. I guess the fact that the store was completely "liberal" and "hippie" attracted both my mother and I, so we spent a decent amount of time in there. I tend to shop based on the price tag, and since this was the Forums, it'll all be expensive stuff that I might try to find a knock-off of elsewhere. So, I wandered to the back of the store, and there was a little section of books just piled ontop of each other. It was a simple brown book that looked like it was wrapped in a paper grocery bag. Big black lettering read "Post Secret." Okay. I opened it up. I flipped through the pages, read the secrets, and I guess I might have connected with some, cried over others, and was appalled at how violent the others were. We left shortly after.
Sometime in mid 2008, an application on Facebook invited me to a Post Secret application thing were it allowed you to attach secrets to posts and comments. This reminded me of the project, and so I went to their website. I browsed through pages and pages of people's favorite secrets, the painful ones, the sweet ones, and the ones that made me cry for hours because it made me feel so empty or because I connected way too much to the heartbroken and slightly pitiful people. I wrote some of the things I wish I could tell people on little pieces of cardstock I had in my room, hid them away, stared at the hiding place, and eventually burned the bits of secrets I had written. They aren't important anymore anyways. I saved all the secrets from PostSecret that I enjoyed: the ones that I laughed at, the ones that were super sweet, or the ones that made me giggle because they were ludacris and bold.
I have a feeling that there is a postcard out there for every step of my life. There is a postcard out there that can perfectly summarize my childhood, the hatred I had for people going through my things, the annoyance every time someone dug through my drawers to find the bag of candy I was planning on saving. There is a postcard for high school. Something about finding and losing friends and about falling in and out of love. There is one that will summarize the rest of my adult life. I hope it's a good one.
So I guess in the spirit of this whole huge blog post about PostSecret, the postcard of the day:
We had an AcDec party at James' house today. At 6:36 ish, I get to his house, open the front screen thing and walk into the living room. His dad kind of double-takes as I walk in and I manage a super pathetic hello because my voice was shot from being sick. Sat down, watched some South Park, and eventually talked about what we were planning on having for dinner. Eventually went to Arby's, because they had a really good deal going on. Sat around waiting for Dmitri to finish a cigarette, talked about how pathetic he is, and then headed back. Spent the last hour watching The Onion Movie and curling up with James. It was all good and fun. I miss being able to do that. I want to be able to stay in his arms for hours, listening to his heart beating.
At the end of the hour, I totally didn't want to go. (Wow, that was a really crappy summary...) Anyways, that was the secret of that moment.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Dysphoric
Bleh, it's almost break soon. I am so excited. But that also means that everything is going down. I'm going to graduate. Holy shit! I'm going to college, and years later, I will have my own family. I don't want to be ready, but I want to be at the same time. I want to live a simple life that would require a lot of money to maintain (ha!). I want to fall asleep in a four post bed and wake up to small tiny rays of sunlight poking through the curtains. I don't want to grow up yet.
I've learned it is nearly impossible for me to stay mad at someone, especially if I'm just in a pissy mood.
Neh. Bed time I guess.
-Factorial Brain Power
Scarlet Bloodmoon
I've learned it is nearly impossible for me to stay mad at someone, especially if I'm just in a pissy mood.
Neh. Bed time I guess.
-Factorial Brain Power
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Monday, March 2, 2009
A gift any girl would love: Pearls
Now, the really materialistic and high-maintenance will want tangible, permanent ones, but I'd gladly settle for beads of that wonderful substance of life. Apparently, Cleopatra smashed pearls and downed that fine powder in a wine to preserve her youth. In another matter of speaking, I'm probably downing more pearls that Cleopatra ever had the wealth to buy.
Um...Oh, so today in English, our little corner discussed reactions for finding out at that moment we were pregnant (since it was three girls and a guy). Besides being shocked beyond all belief (I was on my period about three weeks ago, probably close to ovulation), I thought about the dream James told me about yesterday. At any rate, I would be heartbroken. I would really want to keep it, but that would mean I'd have to give up a lot of my future for the kid.
Eh, done. Whatever.
-Back to Reading Bad Romance
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Um...Oh, so today in English, our little corner discussed reactions for finding out at that moment we were pregnant (since it was three girls and a guy). Besides being shocked beyond all belief (I was on my period about three weeks ago, probably close to ovulation), I thought about the dream James told me about yesterday. At any rate, I would be heartbroken. I would really want to keep it, but that would mean I'd have to give up a lot of my future for the kid.
Eh, done. Whatever.
-Back to Reading Bad Romance
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Tangenty Update
The past week: School, half days, chatting, reading, stuff.
Nothing really new to report. My parents have been going back and forth about buying me a house under my name because first-time home-buyers get a tax return or credit score rating boost...Something like that. So my mom wants a house like across from ASU Gammage so she can walk to the library. My dad joked about stopping by randomly on lunch breaks for lunch. Really? What if I planned on having sex and you walk in? Gross.
Um...Andrei is so cute. We started really working on the back yard to the point where if things go well, it will all be done before it's too hot to work outside. So in light of this, Andrei ran into the house excitedly and said "We can have a pool party!" Oh...That means I'm going to probably be stuck watching a whole slew of small children to make sure they don't drown. Fuck. Wow...
So fun thought: a very promiscuous "18+" pool party. That sounds like a lot of fun right now...
Oh, song of the like now: I Love College by Asher Roth. I don't know what it is about it, but it basically describes the ultimate party-scene at college. It's catchy.
Nothing really new to report. My parents have been going back and forth about buying me a house under my name because first-time home-buyers get a tax return or credit score rating boost...Something like that. So my mom wants a house like across from ASU Gammage so she can walk to the library. My dad joked about stopping by randomly on lunch breaks for lunch. Really? What if I planned on having sex and you walk in? Gross.
Um...Andrei is so cute. We started really working on the back yard to the point where if things go well, it will all be done before it's too hot to work outside. So in light of this, Andrei ran into the house excitedly and said "We can have a pool party!" Oh...That means I'm going to probably be stuck watching a whole slew of small children to make sure they don't drown. Fuck. Wow...
So fun thought: a very promiscuous "18+" pool party. That sounds like a lot of fun right now...
Oh, song of the like now: I Love College by Asher Roth. I don't know what it is about it, but it basically describes the ultimate party-scene at college. It's catchy.
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