My Life in Terms of PostSecret

I guess my first encounter with PostSecret was while sitting in the family room watching one of those music channels before it was all rap and reality junk. All American Rejects had just come out with "Dirty Little Secret" and their music video was playing on MTV or Fuse or one of those. Anyways, all throughout the video, they have people hold up little secrets. Those come from the first PostSecret book. This was my first encounter with the project, though at the time, I had no idea about it.

Next, it was probably the day after Christmas 2007 in Vegas. My mother and I were shopping at the Forums and wandered into an Anthropologie. I guess the fact that the store was completely "liberal" and "hippie" attracted both my mother and I, so we spent a decent amount of time in there. I tend to shop based on the price tag, and since this was the Forums, it'll all be expensive stuff that I might try to find a knock-off of elsewhere. So, I wandered to the back of the store, and there was a little section of books just piled ontop of each other. It was a simple brown book that looked like it was wrapped in a paper grocery bag. Big black lettering read "Post Secret." Okay. I opened it up. I flipped through the pages, read the secrets, and I guess I might have connected with some, cried over others, and was appalled at how violent the others were. We left shortly after.

Sometime in mid 2008, an application on Facebook invited me to a Post Secret application thing were it allowed you to attach secrets to posts and comments. This reminded me of the project, and so I went to their website. I browsed through pages and pages of people's favorite secrets, the painful ones, the sweet ones, and the ones that made me cry for hours because it made me feel so empty or because I connected way too much to the heartbroken and slightly pitiful people. I wrote some of the things I wish I could tell people on little pieces of cardstock I had in my room, hid them away, stared at the hiding place, and eventually burned the bits of secrets I had written. They aren't important anymore anyways. I saved all the secrets from PostSecret that I enjoyed: the ones that I laughed at, the ones that were super sweet, or the ones that made me giggle because they were ludacris and bold.

I have a feeling that there is a postcard out there for every step of my life. There is a postcard out there that can perfectly summarize my childhood, the hatred I had for people going through my things, the annoyance every time someone dug through my drawers to find the bag of candy I was planning on saving. There is a postcard for high school. Something about finding and losing friends and about falling in and out of love. There is one that will summarize the rest of my adult life. I hope it's a good one.

So I guess in the spirit of this whole huge blog post about PostSecret, the postcard of the day:


We had an AcDec party at James' house today. At 6:36 ish, I get to his house, open the front screen thing and walk into the living room. His dad kind of double-takes as I walk in and I manage a super pathetic hello because my voice was shot from being sick. Sat down, watched some South Park, and eventually talked about what we were planning on having for dinner. Eventually went to Arby's, because they had a really good deal going on. Sat around waiting for Dmitri to finish a cigarette, talked about how pathetic he is, and then headed back. Spent the last hour watching The Onion Movie and curling up with James. It was all good and fun. I miss being able to do that. I want to be able to stay in his arms for hours, listening to his heart beating.

At the end of the hour, I totally didn't want to go. (Wow, that was a really crappy summary...) Anyways, that was the secret of that moment.

I Want A Kitty Cat...

It's been two years since my life became a fucked up little curve that no one knows how to plot on an x vs. y graph. Full of ups and downs, debating where my loyalty was, how I was never going to be that perfect little girl...I had more ups and downs than where I am now.

Acdec was great fun. We ended up placing in Essay twice, which was surprising as hell. We weren't last! and technically, I scored more than anybody on the team for Super Quiz relay (3.5 average where people got 3 ish). It was amazing. But unless everyone else epic sucked, we aren't going to State.

Umm, visited MoMo last night, pet a kitty (was super excited), smoked hookah for the first time, went to Trails for the first time, Princess went on about how he was saving his virginity for the perfect moment and thinks his first time is going to last half an hour. Try 1/60 of that! And then after going to Trails and having the two college girls working there half-flirt with him (which he totally didn't catch, loser), decided that college girls are hot and that he wanted to have sex with college girls. Okay. Sure. Didn't you just tell me I was an immoral whore for having sex when I do?

We do things socially. I only do "bad" things when everyone else is and I don't tend to get addicted to them. I don't find excuses to go smoke socially or to do whatever socially. In fact, if I know they plan on it, I may or may not even consider it. I understand that people who are under stressful situations or have no other outlet will turn to smoking, but there are some people who go under the pretense of smoking socially and then get addicted (which, they are addicted when they smoke when no one is around to smoke with them) and can't tell. Why? In fact, they tend to have the best lives, no problems at all, and still, they smoke because their friends are going through deep and horrible stuff. What? You know what, when I pick up hardcore smoking, Princess can too. Not until then.

Never Giving Up

AcDec competition today. It was the regional one and we probably won't do that well and not go to state. I had the same speech judge as I did at Mountain Pointe and that was interesting. Interview was okay. Essay was blah, language and literature was alright.

Oh, had "dirty-bathroom-sex" kind of for the first time. We were walking around the school we were at and it was about time to go give speeches. "But we can have some fun before we go." It was fun. I giggled my whole way there to the speeches.

Eh, I'm tired. Bed time, I guess...

-Good night, Sweet dreams, I love you
Scarlet Bloodmoon

You Will Never Realize The Darkness That's Inside

Friday night, I went out with three of my AcDec boys (and we'll call them James, Russian, and Pastry). We went to see "Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears A Who" and laughed through the entire movie...Well, Russian didn't as much as the rest of us, but I knew he enjoyed himself. He'd been looking for any hookups to alcohol, and James definitely was the provider. Through the movie, he had a small thing of Vodka (about 3/4 a shotglass, I guess) and Russian discovered after the movie that there was plenty more alcohol to be had that night. We went to dinner at a semi-sit-down restaurant like...200 feet from the movie theatre (Paradise Bakery). Russian bought me dinner (^_^) and we sat down at a circular table. The three guys sat all on one side, and since there were two extra places, I was an island all by myself. Commenting on the segregation of the table, Russian offered me part of his seat.

"The offer's tempting..."

I stayed on my segregated side. Hmm...We later mixed Russian a cocktail of some liquor (and now I can't remember) and coke. I took a sip and decided I enjoyed it, and the rest was Russian's to enjoy. I drove my brothers home and then headed out again.

Meeting up with James and Pastry outside of a sports shop, I learned we were going to ditch Russian as he purchased things. We giggled and walked to Walmart, which was just next to the sports store. Pastry needed to stop by the restrooms, so James and I left him. We joked about how eventually, it'd just be one of us. We ran off to the back to get glowsticks (as we both needed them) and eventually met up with Pastry again. By the glowsticks, we chatted with some random guy about using glowsticks as a fishing lure, and from there wandered around Walmart until we got to the registers. Paying for the glowsticks, we met up with Russian who claimed we were all traitors. I laughed and realized I was wanted back at home. Oops!

Rushing home, I got into a bit of trouble. Lost of trust, loss of electronics, the usual.

Saturday, nothing much happened. I woke up at noon and finished a book. The Vampire Diaries (or something close to that) was an okay book. The main character was iffy, and I thought that after reading Anne Rice almost religiously, this was subpar. After finishing the book, eating, and then wasting away, my parents decided that they were too lazy to cook, so we headed off to Sweet Tomatoes for dinner. Afterwards, I got two books, Bless Me Ultima and The World is Flat 3.0. More to come on the books as I read them, but I did get them!

So here I am, sitting, and chatting with Pastry earlier this predawn Sunday. We started talking about and developing plans to crash Russian's house on St. Patty's and get Russian drunk. Somewhere, we reiterated the point that Russian needed to get laid (as he went through a pathetic relationship where he spent more than a thousand dollars on the girl. Silly.) and I was the perfect candidate to provide his new "hobby" (that we were going to impose upon him) a starter kit. Guess what that meant? I get to be a whore! Well, not really. My plan was just to walk the drunk Russian to second base and call it a day. Brings up plenty of moral dilemmas though...

So, I guess this is how I feel about my three favorite AcDec kids. James was previously mentioned and is one of my vanilla cakes. Russian is currently a marble cake that I've never considered until Friday evening. If I were to do anything remotely vanilla with this guy, I'd be pampered beyond all belief, and most likely drowned in attention. Then there's Pastry, who I see as good, clean fun and no real prospect of any cake at all.

There's been one recurring thought on my mind all day today. It started when I woke up and imagined how it would feel (minus the hangover) to have woken up nine months from now after a drunken night with Silver. It was an interesting play of events, and I didn't let myself picture actually having sex with this guy. I mean, I know that the main reason behind his proposition was to get me drunk off of my ass and have sex with me, but I guess I didn't want to believe it and just imagined having cuddled with him all the previous night. Then, of course, my mind wanders obligatorily off to my past. Why is growing up so hard?

-Today's Title Comes from My Mind's Eye by Sirenia

These Are The Puppets, Here Are Their Strings

(As I feel awkward using any names without having asked permission...)

I guess it's a bit too late to talk about my ex...In fact, I've really stopped seeing him as an ex boyfriend. Well, as a female teenager and with the large amounts of moral dilemmas drifting about, I'm starting this blog to somehow quietly and anonymously detail my scandalous life. Let's start with the playbill, shall we?

The "Cakes"

One of my friends used a clever analogy comparing his girlfriend and fangirls to cakes. Building upon his analogy, I shared with him the difference between chocolate cakes and vanilla cakes. Chocolate cakes are the girls (in his case...my case, they are guys) who have little prospects emotionally and thus are for more physical relationships and propositions. Vanilla cakes are the people you could take home to Mom.

My Chocolate Cakes:
"Greed" - I met this character at a Comic Convention late January this year. I appeared dressed in fairly revealing clothing and hardcore flirted with any guy that had the attention span to flirt back, and thus, met Greed. On the final night of the convention, we got into heavy petting, so making out and stuffs, to a point where one of my friends is convinced I had sex with him. Apparently, however far we went was the furthest he'd ever gone, which is so very sad.

"Captain" - Though I would never actually go to him for chocolate, he's joked about booty-calling me. Originally a friend of a friend, he was in one of my classes last year and shared with me that out of me and two other female friends, I'd be one of the more interesting in bed (based on our personalities and his male intuition). He's currently dating a really good friend of mine and the relationship seems so fragile. I play only for the sake of playing with guys.

"Snake" - (I have no idea how that name fits him...) I dated this guy for six days before I decided that my then-not-ex was a better choice and just as interested in me as I was in him. From the middle of January, he's been expressing an interest in playing. Recently, I told him I was losing respect in him because he's too playful. He hinted at a relationship, saying that if he had the nerves and gut (yeah, he meant balls) to ask me out, he would.

"Fluffy" - This kid is so out of his league...I don't know why I started playing with him, but his attention made me want to keep him as a feel-good hit. I want nothing to do with him, and I'm starting to feel really bad that I've dragged him into my playing (as he's so innocent it's not even funny). I've convinced him that we don't want a relationship, so I'll just let it die.

Marble Cakes:
"Silver" - I think it's because I've kind of had a crush on him since I was a freshman, but I realize fully that this kid is trouble, yet I want to be able to see some good in him and believe that he is relationship material. We play constantly, but it's never gotten to really physical playing. Apparently, plans are in the making and he wants to get me drunk off my ass after I'm not jailbait anymore. (Edit 3/16/08: Codenamed Silver because that is the codename for each and every one of my love interests since 9th grade.)

"Damian" - This kid I'm just physically attracted to (he is fricken ripped!) and I feel I can teach him more than he could teach me (though I'm probably lying). He's in my physics and programming classes and his dad is a programmer, so I can yet mold him into the nerd I want, but neh. I'm lazy and I really don't want to.

Vanilla Cakes:
"James" - This kid I really have to be gentle with. He has trust and commitment issues, and the only thing that I can really do with this kid is enjoy a pure emotional relationship - if he'd let me. He's in both AcDec with me and Robotics, meaning I spend way too much time with this kid. He's entertaining, too much of a nerd not to keep me amused. I guess if I'm ever ready to settle for a mature relationship, if he's still there, I'd go for him.

"Tristan" - He was in my Creative Writing class last semester and is a sophomore. He's cute and slightly soft spoken. He has the prettiest cursive I've ever seen and definitely a nerd. I've had a friend dub herself my mother just to approve of him. If only I could get to talk to him a bit more...but then I might just scare him away...

"Lucien" - This is a kid that I've liked on and off since seventh grade...well the only reason I stopped crushing was because he was dating this really destructive girl and I didn't want to hurt myself watching him fall. They broke up and he was really hurt. I really wanted to step in and help, but being a really anti-social little girl at the time, I just sat back and watched as he drifted away. I spent freshman year with his brother entertaining everyone, and I finally convinced myself that I was jealous of him for his family closeness. If I actually had the chance, he'd be someone I'd really take care of.

"Napoleon" - This kid will apparently make me more cryptic and cruel than I am now. He's definitely not as interested in me as I am in him, seeing as he has the curse of liking girls in relationships...We jokingly planned to start a satellite project that will control parameters that will force him into world domination. I think I asked for an island or small country in his reign. I've joked about his future wife being meek and nothing but a pretty face allowed a certain budget to entertain herself with each month. He's a very intelligent peer and is definitely rounded enough to be a perfect Renaissance Man.

"Dante" - I guess I started liking this person after one of my friends did. She moved on because he was a jerk, but I found him more and more interesting. He was in the marching band, plays the piano...he was just fun. I'm not really going to die if I don't end up with him, but I feel like he's more of an emotional relationship than a physical one...he just doesn't matter as much to me.

My Gilbert Fanclub:
Most recently, my Gilbert Fanclub condensed to two guys, but it started with four guys who I met at an AcDec competition and avidly flirted with all of them. Out of the four, one of them never got to the level of competition the other three and I did, so I haven't heard from him in a long time. One of the three just kind of stopped after awhile, as the other two avidly stole and kept my attention. My best friend has told me that one of the fanboys would really complement me well, making me wish I had asked for his number or at least stole his phone and called mine with it. Damn! I miss my fanboys! I guess I shall see them next November...