Sorry, definitely overdue and such, but that's how I've been lately. I'm writing this as I'm trying to stay up till I have to leave for the airport at 4 am. There hasn't been much to write about, to analyze, to laugh about. I mean, I could go on about things that I haven't told anyone, hoping that the anonymity of the internet will save me, but then what's that to my readers? I could talk about my exciting trips I have coming up, but then I feel like I'm bragging. I could talk about how much better I've been getting with...friendships, reigning over my demon, analyzing people, taking my pride to extremes where it's not my true sin anymore, or anything along those lines.
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Damn, I have the cutest little Jack Russell Terrier ever
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I live an ironic life...the people I ignore end up the most important to me over and over again. The people I've wanted have either become unappealing or a possibility that will never be likely. People that have at one time avoided me now confide in me, and the people that become the closest always end up annoying me. I guess it's just one of those things, though, you know?
We all have some pretty deep and twisted secrets, most of us have piles and piles, and others have one or two that they never realize are secrets. Wow...thinking back, I definitely have my share...and what the hell? Let's share some!
You know what's horrible? I really want to consider taking up every offer Silver has made to me. We should hang out this summer, gaming and such. We should get me as drunk as possible and strand me in the middle of Tempe once I turn 18. I should go bug him for a tour around the college he goes to, it's a beautiful place. The saddest thing: I really want to know how good he is...Maybe this is just hormones and the whole "being fertile and looking for sex" stage of this month, but I haven't been this hot-blooded since...I don't even know. And the coupe-de-grace on this ugly mess...well, there are two of them...he's dating someone and knowing that stings a little bit, and secondly...I have a boyfriend...who I won't let close enough to have sex with.
You know what? Thinking back, I really have to challenge Bella's judgment in things. I mean, she's in a relationship doomed to failure, but here she is criticizing the relationship potential in general of guys that she's never spent more than a week with. Or how she thinks that by getting into a relationship with Napoleon, I will become even more cynical and cruel, when really I'm not going to change very much. I love how she assured me that this relationship is the safest bet I have, and look where I am now...I'm bored and I think he's too easy to take down. I can't imagine ever moving past where we are now, and still, I joke just as easily about bondage and sex with him. This isn't good for me. I'm quite sure that if I were in any other relationship, this wouldn't be the main problem. What really started this whole rant though, is the fact that I told her about the lack of growth in this relationship and the first thing she asked was if I had any back-up plans in mind. Well, she wanted to know who my next potential victims were. I had one in mind, someone I could laugh with, someone who I rather enjoyed spending time with, chatting with, but really, knew that is would never work...Not to the best extreme. The first thing out of her mouth was negative. "He's not a good boyfriend. He's not worth the time. He's poison." No, she didn't really say that, but hey, she implied it. She wouldn't know! When was the last time she actually spent time to talk to him? When was the last time she actually spent time at all considering his character? Oh right. After he broke up with a person she really couldn't care less about, but still pretends to coddle. I gave up...I really started to lose my respect for her now. It's really hard to see why so many people could stand to pretend for so long...
I like having a lot to say about things....Well, for anyone interested, I have a new blog, one I plan on sugar-coating so that it is acceptable to people. This one is being hidden a little bit more, but only because I don't like having my shit hit the fan. Maybe, once all of these people are out of my life...(like I go to an out-of-state college, but neh) I won't hide anymore...
Blog = http://lilithrogue.blogspot.com
Final update (as I'm typing this June 15, 2008 2:21 am): I'm leaving for the airport in less than 2 hours. I've been up so far...maybe I will fall asleep on the plane...maybe I'll just pull an all-nighter thing and be up for...36 hours when I get there...or something. Beats jet lag!
-Is There Something Wrong With the Way I Treat People?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Showing posts with label Silver. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Silver. Show all posts
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Poetic Titles Escape Me At the Moment
I hate teaching Bella how to do math. I'm used to people wanting to learn, wanting to finish, wanting to get it, or people who want to take advantage of me. Those who take advantage of me, I let. They are pitiful people who just need to get points. Okay, fine. Bella tries to take advantage of me, but most the time, I lose what temper I seemed to have before she could milk much out of me. Today, she was sitting, doing trigonometry homework during the 30-minute period we have as "conference" and it wasn't until 10 minutes in did she actually come over and start on the worksheet. She sat on the ground, taking her time, fixing details before diving in. She got three problems done. If I really wanted to, I could have finished all of it in that 30 minutes. It's not that she's bad at math, she just refuses to learn because "she has a crappy teacher." Well, my brother is in her class, and he's doing just fine. I mean, yeah, he has questions, but it's because of the way the teacher teaches. You learn it on your own in his class, you have to ask questions. Bella says "teach me" and waits for me to step-by-step lead her through the homework. Oh, did I mention that she had a full page of notes that if I had, I could have ruled the world with? Seriously, she had all of the information. What could I teach her? She just didn't have the effort to devote to effort.
I realize I move too quickly through everything, but instead of stopping me and asking, she asks me to slow down and repeat. This makes me mad. Don't tell me to repeat it. I know there are two conversations going on around you, but you have to listen to me! Don't ask me to repeat or explain again, tell me to list the steps I skipped.
She's always looking for confirmation. I hate doing that. I want people to just work in silence and if I see a mistake or discrepancy, as I tend to work alongside you if not faster than you, I will ask you to explain how you got to that step. Most of the time, they are wrong, but if I'm not the "tutor" in the case, I could be wrong too. "That is sin, right?" (By the way, she says sin, not sine. It bugs the hell out of me.) I get sarcastic. Half way through the sarcasm, I decide that it's not helping at all, she's just going to fall into a pit of even more self-doubt and questions. "Yes, that's sine." I don't even know why I bother sometimes...I swear I'm just setting myself up for disappointment every time.
But anyways: it is my youngest brother's birthday today. He is turning 8. He's so much fun.
But enough of my ranting. We all know I'm losing it. The most interesting day this week was Wednesday. Robotics was a failure, and since I had AP testing, I decided not to go. Silver, being the mentor, drove down from Tempe, and finding out that there really was no meeting, didn't take it very well. Making the best of the situation, he asked me to meet him at the mall. Okay. I drive people home because I said I would, and then drive to the mall. It's been like an hour since he made plans with me and I feel like crap.
I meet him towards the entrance of Barnes and Noble's. We wander around the mall, hitting all the interesting stores upstairs (Spenser's, GameStop, Game Daze, Atomic Comics, The Puppy Store) before going to the Apple store and the Sharper Image store downstairs. All through wandering the mall, we'd have poking wars or he'd tickle me. I'd fall against him and he'd push me back. He would pull me against him and hug me. It was good, clean fun. We passed by Fredrick's (the lingerie store) and he comments on how he's passed the store with so many females, but none of them have ever offered to model anything from that store for him. We laughed at this misfortune, commenting that it was likely that he'd be forty, married and with children, and still, she wouldn't model anything for him. After a lot of wandering, we wandered to the food court where I realized that I probably shouldn't eat because my parents were expecting me back for dinner and would be sorely disappointed if I didn't eat. Silver laughed at me, telling me that I should just tell them that I was having dinner with a boy. Yeah, because that would make them like me more.
So we wandered to Subway and all through it, he was offering to get me something, and when I turned down cookies and chips, he scoffed at the dietary habits of women again. I laughed along and rolled my eyes. I stole half of his large thing Dr. Pepper at dinner, which was basically a session of question-answer that led to more anecdotes and stories. After that, we returned to Barnes and Noble's where we found GnomeMaster (that was so his screen name for so long...) who was an acquaintance that graduated last year. We chatted, talked about college (well, they did) and everything. Every once in awhile, a customer would come by and said acquaintance would help them before returning to chatting.
At 6:15, parents called and demanded me home, so with quite formal goodbyes, I took my leave. I half-listened to Silver quietly slip away with a few "glad to meet yous" and "goodbyes" and was wary of the fact that he was creeping behind me. He tickled me, so laughing, I pulled away and then pulled closer again for a hug. We walked to the door, and at the sidewalk where we had to part ways, I hugged him goodbye. He picked me up off of my feet and while I was giggling a bit, kissed me on the cheek. We parted ways.
Anyways, that was it. Ooh, so I've finally joined Twitter after so many people have been talking about it. ^_^ SBloodmoon.
-To Memories, To Change, To the Future
Scarlet Bloodmoon
I realize I move too quickly through everything, but instead of stopping me and asking, she asks me to slow down and repeat. This makes me mad. Don't tell me to repeat it. I know there are two conversations going on around you, but you have to listen to me! Don't ask me to repeat or explain again, tell me to list the steps I skipped.
She's always looking for confirmation. I hate doing that. I want people to just work in silence and if I see a mistake or discrepancy, as I tend to work alongside you if not faster than you, I will ask you to explain how you got to that step. Most of the time, they are wrong, but if I'm not the "tutor" in the case, I could be wrong too. "That is sin, right?" (By the way, she says sin, not sine. It bugs the hell out of me.) I get sarcastic. Half way through the sarcasm, I decide that it's not helping at all, she's just going to fall into a pit of even more self-doubt and questions. "Yes, that's sine." I don't even know why I bother sometimes...I swear I'm just setting myself up for disappointment every time.
But anyways: it is my youngest brother's birthday today. He is turning 8. He's so much fun.
But enough of my ranting. We all know I'm losing it. The most interesting day this week was Wednesday. Robotics was a failure, and since I had AP testing, I decided not to go. Silver, being the mentor, drove down from Tempe, and finding out that there really was no meeting, didn't take it very well. Making the best of the situation, he asked me to meet him at the mall. Okay. I drive people home because I said I would, and then drive to the mall. It's been like an hour since he made plans with me and I feel like crap.
I meet him towards the entrance of Barnes and Noble's. We wander around the mall, hitting all the interesting stores upstairs (Spenser's, GameStop, Game Daze, Atomic Comics, The Puppy Store) before going to the Apple store and the Sharper Image store downstairs. All through wandering the mall, we'd have poking wars or he'd tickle me. I'd fall against him and he'd push me back. He would pull me against him and hug me. It was good, clean fun. We passed by Fredrick's (the lingerie store) and he comments on how he's passed the store with so many females, but none of them have ever offered to model anything from that store for him. We laughed at this misfortune, commenting that it was likely that he'd be forty, married and with children, and still, she wouldn't model anything for him. After a lot of wandering, we wandered to the food court where I realized that I probably shouldn't eat because my parents were expecting me back for dinner and would be sorely disappointed if I didn't eat. Silver laughed at me, telling me that I should just tell them that I was having dinner with a boy. Yeah, because that would make them like me more.
So we wandered to Subway and all through it, he was offering to get me something, and when I turned down cookies and chips, he scoffed at the dietary habits of women again. I laughed along and rolled my eyes. I stole half of his large thing Dr. Pepper at dinner, which was basically a session of question-answer that led to more anecdotes and stories. After that, we returned to Barnes and Noble's where we found GnomeMaster (that was so his screen name for so long...) who was an acquaintance that graduated last year. We chatted, talked about college (well, they did) and everything. Every once in awhile, a customer would come by and said acquaintance would help them before returning to chatting.
At 6:15, parents called and demanded me home, so with quite formal goodbyes, I took my leave. I half-listened to Silver quietly slip away with a few "glad to meet yous" and "goodbyes" and was wary of the fact that he was creeping behind me. He tickled me, so laughing, I pulled away and then pulled closer again for a hug. We walked to the door, and at the sidewalk where we had to part ways, I hugged him goodbye. He picked me up off of my feet and while I was giggling a bit, kissed me on the cheek. We parted ways.
Anyways, that was it. Ooh, so I've finally joined Twitter after so many people have been talking about it. ^_^ SBloodmoon.
-To Memories, To Change, To the Future
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Monday, March 31, 2008
Psychosomatic
This is the last post of the month, a milestone of sorts that will start off my secret-diary. Well, let's see what I've learned this past month.
I've learned that no matter how much I try, I cannot kill the vixen I can easily become. She's always there and at every comment I could create, she chuckles evilly as I try to reign her in. I've learned that I cannot hate this girl no matter what and I can't stand to see her fail. I lost sympathy for someone in the same place not long ago, but her...I just can't. I learned that no matter how much I try to spend away from the people who are bad for me, they just keep coming closer. I've learned just how much I can't stand people who seem to intrude on my territory: people who suddenly show up out of nowhere and try to be a little more like me.
Hmm...Well, coming back to this post: some things are repeated.
-It's Really Tempting
Scarlet Bloodmoon
PS - Psychosomatic was the password for my laptop for March. Next month, I'll tell you mine for April.
I've learned that no matter how much I try, I cannot kill the vixen I can easily become. She's always there and at every comment I could create, she chuckles evilly as I try to reign her in. I've learned that I cannot hate this girl no matter what and I can't stand to see her fail. I lost sympathy for someone in the same place not long ago, but her...I just can't. I learned that no matter how much I try to spend away from the people who are bad for me, they just keep coming closer. I've learned just how much I can't stand people who seem to intrude on my territory: people who suddenly show up out of nowhere and try to be a little more like me.
Hmm...Well, coming back to this post: some things are repeated.
It’s a new month, another milestone, and another countdown. It’s been an interesting month, full of ups and downs, and really, I can’t believe how quickly the month has gone by. I remember the beginning of the month where we were still busy trying to get Robotics stuff done and sorted before the competition. I still remember the end of February, baking that cake with Bella. It seems like it was all mere weeks ago, not a whole month. I remember competitions, staying with my Gilbert fanclub and being absolutely OCD about the pit area. Break started and I had gotten Brawl for the Wii. This included staying up to predawn hours with my brothers all gathered in the game room. This included waking up at
Here’s to another month and another misadventure the life of this disgruntled teenager. I’m trying to be as saintly as you appear – babe – but there is just this…demoness that wants to play.
Dark swirling feelings and emotions have been haunting me. What’s really amusing is the fact that there is a girl who – perhaps if she were any other girl or if I hadn’t changed – I should hate, but I can’t hate her or think of her any less. Besides that, it’s a mesh of hating myself for being so obsessed – no one knows it, but gosh, I just have to know where he might be and I look for him! Seriously, when driving to school, I’m wondering if we’d randomly run into each other (not literally) or when we’re taking random field trips off to places, I watch for everything…What really bugs me about myself is I’ve gotten to a point where I’m territorial about it now. There is a girl – freshman no less – who just randomly showed up one day and started playing with Silver at first. I mean, him being the college boy he is, he just responded, but the thing is, didn’t she realize how lost she was? He’s 20, she’s 14 and seriously, the attention he paid her was nothing like the one he gave me. It doesn’t matter anymore though, because with the amount of playing Silver does, he plays with me more than he does anyone else around me. The thing that really bugs me now about her is that she’s playing with James. It really bugs me that it seems like she’s trying to impose herself into where I am with my friends, that she strives to become what I seem to a number of people. I don’t think she realizes that I have different masks for all of my friends and groups and that she’s forcing me to carry all of my masks through to each and every one of my groups. She calls me out or challenges me on the random amount of sexual activity I’ve done, and seriously, forces me to be more blunt than I ever had to be with other friends. I’m uncomfortable around her because she’s so physical (while I’m seriously trying to curb my physical dependency) and seriously, she doesn’t really know either of them half as well as I do. She criticizes my friends and teammates and thinks it’s sad that she – while not in Robotics – made it to a meeting while no one else did (which, three others made it). She just bugs me now, you know? I guess part of it is because she kind of stole my spotlight and barged into where I thought I was safe, but another is that she’s trying so hard to become a part of a group. I never had to try this hard and if I really had to, I’d have found some new groups. It’s just silly.
Well, this post is really short, and just a little late, but hey, I wrote it. It's just...There's been so many things on my mind, but a lot of it is just school stuff and me being a nerd. As much as I love that part of me, that's not what this blog was for. No one wanted to read about me being a nerd way back when, so why now? You know?-It's Really Tempting
Scarlet Bloodmoon
PS - Psychosomatic was the password for my laptop for March. Next month, I'll tell you mine for April.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Regrets Are Better Left Unspoken
I don’t know. I’m starting to spend a lot of time with James…it’s like after the competitions at the beginning of the break, I’ve seen him three more times over break and we just spend a lot of time together. Bella had suggested that out of any of the guys I could date, he’d be the best choice: “You know, out of anyone, I think you should date him.” “I think I should date him too…” Well, Wednesday was fun. There was like…a minute of chatting in the hallway before class, the second class of our day, and then lunch…and then Robotics after that, and from like 4 PM until 9:30, I’ve been spent the day with him…Bella was with us for a majority of it, but heh…
Apparently, I’ve just sealed the decision: I’m not going to Prom this year – as I am a junior. Well, unless I get a job and somehow get my great friend to come along…I definitely want to try to go in a tux and see what they say…That and this is the last year for my senior friends, so I’d get to be with them…and no doubt James is going to accomplish something random and silly with DJ…and I just have to see it. I don’t want to shell out fifty dollars for a ticket though…It’s kind of silly and I definitely don’t have that money. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m silly for not having a gorgeous dress that could have half of the male population forget about their dates for at least three seconds, and I really don’t want to have to deal with the planning involved…because it’s a long story, but the gist of it comes down to the fact that I’m getting obsessed…which is gross and silly.
Seriously…I’ve been slightly obsessed with Silver (and that’s really the main reason why he has his nickname thing) and I’m starting to develop one for James…I swear, the more time you spend with people, you either grow to really hate them, or you grow to love them in some way. Robotics has really brought me closer to a lot of people and torn me permanently away from others. Really, I’m kind of glad I’m finally growing up and away from being so fickle and petty, but the thing is…I still don’t trust myself not to screw it up.
Being the great person I am, I like to doubt myself and the things around me. I constantly doubt that guys could have any real feelings for me besides…“a tingle in their pants” or some extraordinarily silly euphemism like that. I mean, I realize that I’m a great person…half the time. The other half of the time, I’m just sure they see me as a friend and at best…a sibling. I fear that people will set me aside as the girl that’s too perfect to date because of how close the friendship has grown or something like that.
I may be outspoken a lot of the time, but I swear, I am a wonderful girl to take home to Mom and Dad. I can seriously impress on paper and in person, and I’m well-rounded enough to fit into conversation easily. I may be questionable on the streets, but I can act like the girl-next-door or the dream girl for any parent/friend/evaluator. I’m sweet, I’m caring, I’m daring, I’m ludicrous, I’m hilarious, I’m impossible, I’m perfect, and I’m going to be the most perfect thing anyone could wish for. I try to please – I give easier than I take – and there is never a dull moment with me. I’m fairly open, but I used to lie a lot…I can and will change for you…
I’m just…Eh.
Thursday was eventful. After school, I walked into Robotics to see Silver already there. Ooh! Well, he pulled me into a huge hug and we started with simple pleasantries. “How was break?” and the like. From there, we started right off and had the other people list companies that we considered potential sponsors. Eventually, when that was just about done and most of the people left, it was just Silver, DJ and I. We went off to clean the storage room where everything we used to build was. DJ left us at 5, and for another hour, we cleared a walking space and moved everything off to a side of the room. What progress! Somewhere in that hour, Silver found a box of thumb tacks. Previously, I had noted that I wanted more of them because they were so fun and I loved them. He handed me the box, and I responded with an enthusiastic “ooh! Tacks!” He chuckled and commented about the simple ways into a girl’s heart. Later, he kidnapped the tacks, and when I tried to bargain for a ransom, he suggested partial nudity – only when I had reached 18. Apparently, he’d been in trouble for stupid things like that before…so now he’s being really cautious. Hmm…Well, we finished with the sorting for the day and went back to the classroom and ended up chatting a little with the teacher. We left shortly after that.
Anyways, coming back to this, I realized I’m becoming bolder in my little…obsession (?) of James. Friday after school, James and DJ were heading off to a nearby college for a science thing, and since James has class right next to mine, I met him at the door of his classroom and told him I was going to follow him for a good deal of time. Crossing under the stairway to one of the buildings, we ran into Snake. Seriously, this kid is so lost…but that might be because I hide what I really want away from the world. Well, after he grouped up with us, we stood around and greeted a group of friends under the stairs before we all went to the Science and Math building. Getting up the stairs and going into the classroom, we took a corner in the back (the usual haunt) and looked for DJ. He had yet to come. Some other kid came (and seriously, he’s uber obsessed with Chemistry…) and we started joking and chatting. I could easily tell that Snake was out of place, but I didn’t care. I hoped that he would either sooner or later make up an excuse and go away or get the point. He didn’t. Oh well. James decided to start organizing his laptop case, and so, pulling out mine, I did too. It was amusing. I pulled out a whole ton of note cards and just the random crap that I’ve stashed in there for ever. I ended up throwing away all of the paper in my thing…which is probably okay considering most of the stuff was definitely old anyways. I organized my bag a little too…but that didn’t get very far.
Eventually, DJ arrived. The other kid had found a burette thing and started playing with it. He squirted water at all of us, and after complaining about being wet and making inappropriate jokes, we left to travel and get things done. When three came around, they had to leave, so each taking a poster thing that we needed to load, James, DJ, Snake and I went off to James’ car (which was just next to mine…) and loaded the posters into the bed of his truck. It worked out well. They left, and so, I called Bella (who needed a ride) and loaded up with Snake. Driving away, we reached a stop close to a grocery store. Previously, DJ and James had planned to stop by a the grocery and pick up energy drinks, which made me laugh when a red pick-up pulled out (and we all assumed it was James’ car). I dropped my little guests off, and drove home.
At 4, Otter called and asked if I wanted to go over for a swim party thing. I had nothing to do, so sure, I’ll come along was the decision. Unable to think of anyone else to invite, I convinced my dad to let me go and got to his house. Bella had a play to attend, so she wasn’t there. Eh. Well, when I got there, Captain, Otter, and Otter’s twin was there and we were waiting for another girl. When she got there, we all got ready to swim and headed outside. I dove into the pool first, followed by Otter and Captain. The other girl didn’t join us because she was on her period, so she sat at the edge of the pool and silently suffered when splashed or purposely soaked. Lawlz. After sitting around the pool for half an hour (the water was freezing!), we just started chatting. I talked about sex lives and the like, discussing my adventures at the Convention towards the beginning of the year…not more than two months ago. Greed was mentioned, and the funny thing was, Captain was wondering just how fun he was.
“He was no fun at all…too easy.” I commented.
“What do you mean by too easy?” Captain teased.
“Ha! Everything” someone else said.
“Tch. No…just…” I started.
“Like he’d do anything: ‘Take off your pants!’” The second person said.
“Haha, yeah, he would have.” I responded, drifting from the topic.
We then talked about what I might go as for the next convention come Memorial weekend. It was all great fun. We later got dressed and walked to the park. We dug out the jump rope that had been in my car for weeks now and played with that. When it broke, we turned it into two whips before it became a flog. It is now in my trunk again…
Anyways: I got home at 7 and haven’t really done much at all.
I went to lunch with James on Friday. During fifth period, I tend to migrate throughout the room. Most of the students are concentrated in this little spot, and I move around a lot. Towards the beginning, I settled myself close to James and during a moment of bustle, he mentioned the plan. It has somewhat become a “tradition” that a four of us had started. The only constants (for me anyways) were James and I. Today, it was just the two of us. On random Fridays where we had that class, we would go off campus for lunch and return before the last class of the day. It always worked nicely.
We met in the parking lot, in between our two cars (as they were right next to each other). He was shuffling with a few things, so I slung my laptop into my trunk and helped him stick a large sticker to his back window. Finally, he turned to me. “Yours or mine?*” Well, not really caring which car we took, he asked about my mileage, commenting that I must have done the math constantly. Smiling appreciatively, I replied with the number I figured and he said his was just about the same. Ah…well then, that doesn’t matter then. His pick-up was just about stuffed anyways, so we took my car. Lunch was fun and we made it back just as the bell rang, dismissing us to our next class. Routing through the library, we walked out the door and headed back towards the cafeteria. Bella noticed us and asked where we had gone. Cautiously, we almost simultaneously responded with “places…” before heading off to our classes. Since they were right next to each other, we headed to the spot in between where a group of our friends gather all the time and stood and chatted until we had a minute to get to class. Saying goodbyes, we headed off to our classes. It was just…fun.
I think I’ve finally decided that no matter what, I have this huge obsession with James and the only real way to get rid of it would be harsh rejection or starting a relationship with him. Bella even said something about it in the car Friday afternoon. We were heading off to her home from dropping off Snake and I told her about how I definitely didn’t want anything to do with Snake. She told me that I had to destroy any sense of hope Snake had and just end it already, but I responded apathetically and saw it in an even more roundabout way. All I really needed to do was find myself in a commitment before he developed the balls to ask me out. “Now, if only I can find my victim before the next time he tries…” She said I didn’t need a victim – she couldn’t see why I would ever need one. “You could have [James]…You’ve hung out with him so much recently…especially over break and stuff like that.” I know I can have him, I know I want him, and I know that he’s just so cute, but right now, I don’t really need to care about the person that I break Snake’s heart with. He just needs testosterone and agree to a commitment before I exploded on Snake. He would be the best choice, and then I wouldn’t need to pretend, but with his trust and commitment issues…that’d be hard.
From a previous post, I’ve established that this is my rubric for guys:
1. He has to ask me
2. Nerdy-esque, gamer guy
3. Sci-fi/fantasy guy and be able to talk about it
4. be able to talk about literature
5. be able to talk about coding
6. Be able to understand nerdy references (which is different from being a nerd)
7. Be able to understand me.
8. Be able to grow within and out of the relationship
9. Be emotionally attached instead of physically inclined
10. Be able to appease my different moods – meaning he must be at least slightly romantic
Well: 1, 8, and 10 are kind of hard to discuss, but now, I can use this and compare everyone I could want with the rest. Yay! Now…if I could make a more extensive one for life in general…
DJ’s girlfriend (who had dubbed herself my mother) is – and this is all speculation from me, but I swear! – trying to matchmake me with James, I promise. Every time I talk about doing something with DJ and her (and then considering the fact that I’d have to be a third wheel type figure), she’d comment on the fact that I could always bring James along and wouldn’t be so much of a wheel anymore. For example, we were talking one day about prom and stuff like that when I said it would be hilarious to just dress up in the most formal dress in our closets and go to a fast food restaurant. We didn’t need to go on prom night, but you know. We giggled and said we’d go on another school’s prom night. Seriously joking, I said we’d need to drag random guys with us. She giggled a bit and said she’d take DJ over a random guy any day. I revaluated and said I’d have to take a random guy. She countered with the fact that I could always take James. Seriously, are all of my female friends that are close to him wanting me to date him? In that way, she and I would become closer (as it is almost a fact that if two really close friends – in this case James and DJ – are both dating, the two girls will either grow closer or hate the guts of the other and screw up the friendship…but we wouldn’t do that!) and it’d all be entertaining and amusing. I swear, the idea of asking James myself is starting to look better and better…
Grr! I’m so close to asking the people around him how he feels about me. I’m still ignoring some parts of the truth, but we’ve had so much fun that I think that I’m entitled to…I guess the next time DJ and I have a heart-to-heart chat, I can bring it up. I don’t know…I just feel kind of awkward trying to fish it out of the people around him…it’s just weird. Well…This is me pretending and masquerading.
*The funny thing is, I had the exact line on the tip of my tongue. And now, I realize (hey! I am being perfectly innocent when the thought of relationships come to mind…and I’ve been pondering that a lot…It’s like one of my masks…just…not really a mask) how interesting that sounds…Truthfully, me backseat is kind of small and he has a truckbed. Tch. ^_^ Let’s stop now, kk? k.
- There Is Nothing More I Want To Do Than Take It All Back
Scarlet Bloodmoon
PS – My newest name obsession is Lilith. She is, from the bible-ness, the first woman-creature created by God, but was pure evil. She spawned demonic legions and seduces men in their beds. How fun is that? She’s the Succubus.
Title from: Rise Above This by Seether.
Apparently, I’ve just sealed the decision: I’m not going to Prom this year – as I am a junior. Well, unless I get a job and somehow get my great friend to come along…I definitely want to try to go in a tux and see what they say…That and this is the last year for my senior friends, so I’d get to be with them…and no doubt James is going to accomplish something random and silly with DJ…and I just have to see it. I don’t want to shell out fifty dollars for a ticket though…It’s kind of silly and I definitely don’t have that money. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m silly for not having a gorgeous dress that could have half of the male population forget about their dates for at least three seconds, and I really don’t want to have to deal with the planning involved…because it’s a long story, but the gist of it comes down to the fact that I’m getting obsessed…which is gross and silly.
Seriously…I’ve been slightly obsessed with Silver (and that’s really the main reason why he has his nickname thing) and I’m starting to develop one for James…I swear, the more time you spend with people, you either grow to really hate them, or you grow to love them in some way. Robotics has really brought me closer to a lot of people and torn me permanently away from others. Really, I’m kind of glad I’m finally growing up and away from being so fickle and petty, but the thing is…I still don’t trust myself not to screw it up.
Being the great person I am, I like to doubt myself and the things around me. I constantly doubt that guys could have any real feelings for me besides…“a tingle in their pants” or some extraordinarily silly euphemism like that. I mean, I realize that I’m a great person…half the time. The other half of the time, I’m just sure they see me as a friend and at best…a sibling. I fear that people will set me aside as the girl that’s too perfect to date because of how close the friendship has grown or something like that.
I may be outspoken a lot of the time, but I swear, I am a wonderful girl to take home to Mom and Dad. I can seriously impress on paper and in person, and I’m well-rounded enough to fit into conversation easily. I may be questionable on the streets, but I can act like the girl-next-door or the dream girl for any parent/friend/evaluator. I’m sweet, I’m caring, I’m daring, I’m ludicrous, I’m hilarious, I’m impossible, I’m perfect, and I’m going to be the most perfect thing anyone could wish for. I try to please – I give easier than I take – and there is never a dull moment with me. I’m fairly open, but I used to lie a lot…I can and will change for you…
I’m just…Eh.
Thursday was eventful. After school, I walked into Robotics to see Silver already there. Ooh! Well, he pulled me into a huge hug and we started with simple pleasantries. “How was break?” and the like. From there, we started right off and had the other people list companies that we considered potential sponsors. Eventually, when that was just about done and most of the people left, it was just Silver, DJ and I. We went off to clean the storage room where everything we used to build was. DJ left us at 5, and for another hour, we cleared a walking space and moved everything off to a side of the room. What progress! Somewhere in that hour, Silver found a box of thumb tacks. Previously, I had noted that I wanted more of them because they were so fun and I loved them. He handed me the box, and I responded with an enthusiastic “ooh! Tacks!” He chuckled and commented about the simple ways into a girl’s heart. Later, he kidnapped the tacks, and when I tried to bargain for a ransom, he suggested partial nudity – only when I had reached 18. Apparently, he’d been in trouble for stupid things like that before…so now he’s being really cautious. Hmm…Well, we finished with the sorting for the day and went back to the classroom and ended up chatting a little with the teacher. We left shortly after that.
Anyways, coming back to this, I realized I’m becoming bolder in my little…obsession (?) of James. Friday after school, James and DJ were heading off to a nearby college for a science thing, and since James has class right next to mine, I met him at the door of his classroom and told him I was going to follow him for a good deal of time. Crossing under the stairway to one of the buildings, we ran into Snake. Seriously, this kid is so lost…but that might be because I hide what I really want away from the world. Well, after he grouped up with us, we stood around and greeted a group of friends under the stairs before we all went to the Science and Math building. Getting up the stairs and going into the classroom, we took a corner in the back (the usual haunt) and looked for DJ. He had yet to come. Some other kid came (and seriously, he’s uber obsessed with Chemistry…) and we started joking and chatting. I could easily tell that Snake was out of place, but I didn’t care. I hoped that he would either sooner or later make up an excuse and go away or get the point. He didn’t. Oh well. James decided to start organizing his laptop case, and so, pulling out mine, I did too. It was amusing. I pulled out a whole ton of note cards and just the random crap that I’ve stashed in there for ever. I ended up throwing away all of the paper in my thing…which is probably okay considering most of the stuff was definitely old anyways. I organized my bag a little too…but that didn’t get very far.
Eventually, DJ arrived. The other kid had found a burette thing and started playing with it. He squirted water at all of us, and after complaining about being wet and making inappropriate jokes, we left to travel and get things done. When three came around, they had to leave, so each taking a poster thing that we needed to load, James, DJ, Snake and I went off to James’ car (which was just next to mine…) and loaded the posters into the bed of his truck. It worked out well. They left, and so, I called Bella (who needed a ride) and loaded up with Snake. Driving away, we reached a stop close to a grocery store. Previously, DJ and James had planned to stop by a the grocery and pick up energy drinks, which made me laugh when a red pick-up pulled out (and we all assumed it was James’ car). I dropped my little guests off, and drove home.
At 4, Otter called and asked if I wanted to go over for a swim party thing. I had nothing to do, so sure, I’ll come along was the decision. Unable to think of anyone else to invite, I convinced my dad to let me go and got to his house. Bella had a play to attend, so she wasn’t there. Eh. Well, when I got there, Captain, Otter, and Otter’s twin was there and we were waiting for another girl. When she got there, we all got ready to swim and headed outside. I dove into the pool first, followed by Otter and Captain. The other girl didn’t join us because she was on her period, so she sat at the edge of the pool and silently suffered when splashed or purposely soaked. Lawlz. After sitting around the pool for half an hour (the water was freezing!), we just started chatting. I talked about sex lives and the like, discussing my adventures at the Convention towards the beginning of the year…not more than two months ago. Greed was mentioned, and the funny thing was, Captain was wondering just how fun he was.
“He was no fun at all…too easy.” I commented.
“What do you mean by too easy?” Captain teased.
“Ha! Everything” someone else said.
“Tch. No…just…” I started.
“Like he’d do anything: ‘Take off your pants!’” The second person said.
“Haha, yeah, he would have.” I responded, drifting from the topic.
We then talked about what I might go as for the next convention come Memorial weekend. It was all great fun. We later got dressed and walked to the park. We dug out the jump rope that had been in my car for weeks now and played with that. When it broke, we turned it into two whips before it became a flog. It is now in my trunk again…
Anyways: I got home at 7 and haven’t really done much at all.
I went to lunch with James on Friday. During fifth period, I tend to migrate throughout the room. Most of the students are concentrated in this little spot, and I move around a lot. Towards the beginning, I settled myself close to James and during a moment of bustle, he mentioned the plan. It has somewhat become a “tradition” that a four of us had started. The only constants (for me anyways) were James and I. Today, it was just the two of us. On random Fridays where we had that class, we would go off campus for lunch and return before the last class of the day. It always worked nicely.
We met in the parking lot, in between our two cars (as they were right next to each other). He was shuffling with a few things, so I slung my laptop into my trunk and helped him stick a large sticker to his back window. Finally, he turned to me. “Yours or mine?*” Well, not really caring which car we took, he asked about my mileage, commenting that I must have done the math constantly. Smiling appreciatively, I replied with the number I figured and he said his was just about the same. Ah…well then, that doesn’t matter then. His pick-up was just about stuffed anyways, so we took my car. Lunch was fun and we made it back just as the bell rang, dismissing us to our next class. Routing through the library, we walked out the door and headed back towards the cafeteria. Bella noticed us and asked where we had gone. Cautiously, we almost simultaneously responded with “places…” before heading off to our classes. Since they were right next to each other, we headed to the spot in between where a group of our friends gather all the time and stood and chatted until we had a minute to get to class. Saying goodbyes, we headed off to our classes. It was just…fun.
I think I’ve finally decided that no matter what, I have this huge obsession with James and the only real way to get rid of it would be harsh rejection or starting a relationship with him. Bella even said something about it in the car Friday afternoon. We were heading off to her home from dropping off Snake and I told her about how I definitely didn’t want anything to do with Snake. She told me that I had to destroy any sense of hope Snake had and just end it already, but I responded apathetically and saw it in an even more roundabout way. All I really needed to do was find myself in a commitment before he developed the balls to ask me out. “Now, if only I can find my victim before the next time he tries…” She said I didn’t need a victim – she couldn’t see why I would ever need one. “You could have [James]…You’ve hung out with him so much recently…especially over break and stuff like that.” I know I can have him, I know I want him, and I know that he’s just so cute, but right now, I don’t really need to care about the person that I break Snake’s heart with. He just needs testosterone and agree to a commitment before I exploded on Snake. He would be the best choice, and then I wouldn’t need to pretend, but with his trust and commitment issues…that’d be hard.
From a previous post, I’ve established that this is my rubric for guys:
1. He has to ask me
2. Nerdy-esque, gamer guy
3. Sci-fi/fantasy guy and be able to talk about it
4. be able to talk about literature
5. be able to talk about coding
6. Be able to understand nerdy references (which is different from being a nerd)
7. Be able to understand me.
8. Be able to grow within and out of the relationship
9. Be emotionally attached instead of physically inclined
10. Be able to appease my different moods – meaning he must be at least slightly romantic
Well: 1, 8, and 10 are kind of hard to discuss, but now, I can use this and compare everyone I could want with the rest. Yay! Now…if I could make a more extensive one for life in general…
DJ’s girlfriend (who had dubbed herself my mother) is – and this is all speculation from me, but I swear! – trying to matchmake me with James, I promise. Every time I talk about doing something with DJ and her (and then considering the fact that I’d have to be a third wheel type figure), she’d comment on the fact that I could always bring James along and wouldn’t be so much of a wheel anymore. For example, we were talking one day about prom and stuff like that when I said it would be hilarious to just dress up in the most formal dress in our closets and go to a fast food restaurant. We didn’t need to go on prom night, but you know. We giggled and said we’d go on another school’s prom night. Seriously joking, I said we’d need to drag random guys with us. She giggled a bit and said she’d take DJ over a random guy any day. I revaluated and said I’d have to take a random guy. She countered with the fact that I could always take James. Seriously, are all of my female friends that are close to him wanting me to date him? In that way, she and I would become closer (as it is almost a fact that if two really close friends – in this case James and DJ – are both dating, the two girls will either grow closer or hate the guts of the other and screw up the friendship…but we wouldn’t do that!) and it’d all be entertaining and amusing. I swear, the idea of asking James myself is starting to look better and better…
Grr! I’m so close to asking the people around him how he feels about me. I’m still ignoring some parts of the truth, but we’ve had so much fun that I think that I’m entitled to…I guess the next time DJ and I have a heart-to-heart chat, I can bring it up. I don’t know…I just feel kind of awkward trying to fish it out of the people around him…it’s just weird. Well…This is me pretending and masquerading.
*The funny thing is, I had the exact line on the tip of my tongue. And now, I realize (hey! I am being perfectly innocent when the thought of relationships come to mind…and I’ve been pondering that a lot…It’s like one of my masks…just…not really a mask) how interesting that sounds…Truthfully, me backseat is kind of small and he has a truckbed. Tch. ^_^ Let’s stop now, kk? k.
- There Is Nothing More I Want To Do Than Take It All Back
Scarlet Bloodmoon
PS – My newest name obsession is Lilith. She is, from the bible-ness, the first woman-creature created by God, but was pure evil. She spawned demonic legions and seduces men in their beds. How fun is that? She’s the Succubus.
Title from: Rise Above This by Seether.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Pick Your Prey in a Wicked Way
Today was fun. I woke up at...about 3 this afternoon after missing a call from Snake. Now, I haven't really talked to him much, and the funniest thing ever is, he's still trying to get me.
Snake wanted to see if I wanted to go to the movies today. I told him I couldn't as my parents had left for California and put us under a sort of house arrest. No one can come over, and we can't go anywhere. (Well, not quite. My mother is lenient when it comes to birthday parties.) He was a tad disappointed, but I guess had to suck it up and get over it (as I offered little genuine sympathy). We then started chatting about what was going on over break and whatnot, and told him that I had been pretty bored. I guess I told him the highlight of my break was baking a cake, but I think I thought he meant of my house arrest when he was talking about my break. So not true. My most exciting was the night out or the birthday party! Anyways, he settled with making a movie date for the next weekend. Eh. I'll find a way out or bring someone along at the last minute just to ruin his plans. ^_^ I will not fall victim to him wanting a relationship. Nope!
Rawr! Okay. Well...then if was off to my laptop, where I spent the next three hours reading over things and talking to people...eating a little, and then my brother wanted to go to a friend's birthday thing. Cool, okay. I took him. My mother decided to let me go to the mall to wait for him because it was closer than going home and then coming back. Sure! So, I went and bought 28 Magic: the Gathering cards and 3 20-sided dice. Yes! Well, I went back, got my brother, and then got pizza for the other brother at home. (Oh, that's right: home life = 3 brothers and my parents.)
Came back home, and went off to read this online story that I've been reading for a little. I mean, it's not wonderful, but I like reading it. Anyways, it made me start thinking about what kind of guy I would need in order for me to keep interested and challenged. I've always known I needed someone to challenge me, and thinking back on my previous relationship, I knew that he challenged me and kept me in line sometimes, but I had most of the dominance in the relationship. Not all of it, but just more than half. I also realized that I lost interest in Greed because he was so easy. I dominated him and he put up no chase or challenge. I live to try for what I could never have. I need something that I can't have and strive for. I need a challenge...Coming a day after Silver challenged me...hmm...
I also starting thinking about my friend Bella. There's a little back story, so here we go: At the beginning of Spring Break, I spent the night with Bella. We decided to go and get dinner and get blue hair dye. I got tired of my purple hair and wanted to move on to another color. So, I settled for blue and Bella had some interest in dying her hair too. So, that night we went to her house, tried a strand test on her sister (who was blond, so that kind of worked nicely) and really liked the color. Since I had a strip of hair that was already bleached from the purple dye that had already faded away, I had a very good idea where to put the blue. Bella grabbed a section of her bangs and decided to dye that. Okay. So, an hour and a half later, we washed out the dye (it wasn't in that long, but other stuff and gone on) and she decided that she didn't like the dye job at all. She broke down about it. She called her boyfriend and was talking to him about how badly the night had been because of it. Not fair! We had a fun dinner and really enjoyed ourselves until we washed off the dye! She broke even more when we couldn't fix the mistake without making her whole half of her head blue. It wasn't even that bad, and if I had that, I'd find a way to incorporate it! Eh. It was break and she was going to Mexico. Nothing like sun and salt to wash out dye. She still was looking for sympathy and after Otter could give it to her, she cried and got moody.
So, the point is, I was wondering if I would ever be able to stand a relationship with Otter. I don't want one, but the thing is, would I be able to love him like she does? No. I need someone to intellectually entertain and humor me. I want someone to get all of my jokes and references, and I want someone who isn't going to run off with his friends for something stupid/silly unless I've already done so. (Not really...It sounds so mean: like I want someone who will be able to achieve telepathy and be able to go from there.) No, I needed someone with a little more responsibility and maturity. Otter would make a fine friend and joker, but not relationship material for me. You know...that splicing idea...
I really want to retain a lot of the stuff that happened in previous relationships and have the personalities of a lot of my cakes. -Sigh-
So, I had a really entertaining conversation with someone about Super Smash Brothers: Brawl. He hated what happened to it, but as I've played selective things and really enjoy the idea the WiFi they've implemented among other things, I conversed about how he was kind of on crack. Eh. Still, it was fun because I got to talk about nerd stuff to someone who could return fire.
Well, I'm going to stop now and enjoy the cake I made last night. Yum!
-The Spiraling Has Finally Stopped, But Do I Have To Climb Out Myself?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: She Is My Sin by Nightwish
Snake wanted to see if I wanted to go to the movies today. I told him I couldn't as my parents had left for California and put us under a sort of house arrest. No one can come over, and we can't go anywhere. (Well, not quite. My mother is lenient when it comes to birthday parties.) He was a tad disappointed, but I guess had to suck it up and get over it (as I offered little genuine sympathy). We then started chatting about what was going on over break and whatnot, and told him that I had been pretty bored. I guess I told him the highlight of my break was baking a cake, but I think I thought he meant of my house arrest when he was talking about my break. So not true. My most exciting was the night out or the birthday party! Anyways, he settled with making a movie date for the next weekend. Eh. I'll find a way out or bring someone along at the last minute just to ruin his plans. ^_^ I will not fall victim to him wanting a relationship. Nope!
Rawr! Okay. Well...then if was off to my laptop, where I spent the next three hours reading over things and talking to people...eating a little, and then my brother wanted to go to a friend's birthday thing. Cool, okay. I took him. My mother decided to let me go to the mall to wait for him because it was closer than going home and then coming back. Sure! So, I went and bought 28 Magic: the Gathering cards and 3 20-sided dice. Yes! Well, I went back, got my brother, and then got pizza for the other brother at home. (Oh, that's right: home life = 3 brothers and my parents.)
Came back home, and went off to read this online story that I've been reading for a little. I mean, it's not wonderful, but I like reading it. Anyways, it made me start thinking about what kind of guy I would need in order for me to keep interested and challenged. I've always known I needed someone to challenge me, and thinking back on my previous relationship, I knew that he challenged me and kept me in line sometimes, but I had most of the dominance in the relationship. Not all of it, but just more than half. I also realized that I lost interest in Greed because he was so easy. I dominated him and he put up no chase or challenge. I live to try for what I could never have. I need something that I can't have and strive for. I need a challenge...Coming a day after Silver challenged me...hmm...
I also starting thinking about my friend Bella. There's a little back story, so here we go: At the beginning of Spring Break, I spent the night with Bella. We decided to go and get dinner and get blue hair dye. I got tired of my purple hair and wanted to move on to another color. So, I settled for blue and Bella had some interest in dying her hair too. So, that night we went to her house, tried a strand test on her sister (who was blond, so that kind of worked nicely) and really liked the color. Since I had a strip of hair that was already bleached from the purple dye that had already faded away, I had a very good idea where to put the blue. Bella grabbed a section of her bangs and decided to dye that. Okay. So, an hour and a half later, we washed out the dye (it wasn't in that long, but other stuff and gone on) and she decided that she didn't like the dye job at all. She broke down about it. She called her boyfriend and was talking to him about how badly the night had been because of it. Not fair! We had a fun dinner and really enjoyed ourselves until we washed off the dye! She broke even more when we couldn't fix the mistake without making her whole half of her head blue. It wasn't even that bad, and if I had that, I'd find a way to incorporate it! Eh. It was break and she was going to Mexico. Nothing like sun and salt to wash out dye. She still was looking for sympathy and after Otter could give it to her, she cried and got moody.
So, the point is, I was wondering if I would ever be able to stand a relationship with Otter. I don't want one, but the thing is, would I be able to love him like she does? No. I need someone to intellectually entertain and humor me. I want someone to get all of my jokes and references, and I want someone who isn't going to run off with his friends for something stupid/silly unless I've already done so. (Not really...It sounds so mean: like I want someone who will be able to achieve telepathy and be able to go from there.) No, I needed someone with a little more responsibility and maturity. Otter would make a fine friend and joker, but not relationship material for me. You know...that splicing idea...
I really want to retain a lot of the stuff that happened in previous relationships and have the personalities of a lot of my cakes. -Sigh-
So, I had a really entertaining conversation with someone about Super Smash Brothers: Brawl. He hated what happened to it, but as I've played selective things and really enjoy the idea the WiFi they've implemented among other things, I conversed about how he was kind of on crack. Eh. Still, it was fun because I got to talk about nerd stuff to someone who could return fire.
Well, I'm going to stop now and enjoy the cake I made last night. Yum!
-The Spiraling Has Finally Stopped, But Do I Have To Climb Out Myself?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: She Is My Sin by Nightwish
Friday, March 21, 2008
Still Can't Find What Keeps Me Here
I’ve always known how analyzing I could get. A friend was commenting on how my blog spoke of my raunchy dirt but also talked about my experiences on a level where everything’s been broken down and categorized. I analyze the things I do after I do them. I analyze the things I say, the things other people say and do, and while they might not always be accurate or correct, I still read deeper than average people do. I’m always explaining me and how I relate to the world around me…
The reason I’m talking about this is because at the morning, I was reading a blog that’s rather raunchy. The author was talking about her tattoos and in a post before she got her second one, she was analyzing the reasoning behind her first and commented on how the second had to mean something to her.
Well, back when I used to delude myself and think that I knew exactly how I wanted to mutilate my body (i.e. a bellybutton ring; a piercing somewhere on the upper half of my left ear; two or three small tattoos in easy-to-cover places: back, shoulder blades, lower back, lower abdomen; an “identity tattoo” somewhere that I could either add to or shout some blunt statement about myself that will never change), I would try to plot out exactly what to get and why. These things are permanent! I didn’t want to be a billboard of my past, and so chronicling my various stages would do me no good. I wanted something that I could live with for the rest of my life. My name in Chinese, perhaps, and a shameless tribute to my inner demon. My “Bloodmoon” and a rather pretty linear design. I needed to remind the people staring at my body of who I was, and so, my tattoos needed to be planned to fit who I was, yet be modest and easy to hide. They needed to represent something as permanent as they were…
I am once again analyzing what crazy ink-tributes I would request someone leave in my skin…but I’m thinking more of where…This author has a tattoo level with her hips centered on her abdomen. She has another one on her ass. Of course, this author admits to being a nymphomaniac, so the tattoos only go to accent her lifestyle. No matter how much I want to admire the position and strategic lever of the tattoos, I know that I would never be able to achieve that sort of a lifestyle to accommodate for them. I tease…I am subtle…I am the breed of seductive where I could be fully clothed and have 94% of my skin covered, but still make people want me. I am shameless, but classy. I am intricate designs branching from a bellybutton, small knots and vines trailing along a lower back, and modest demonic wings boasting from shoulder blades.
New topic: Silver challenged me before he signed off a little past midnight. Being the slave to suggestion I am, and as I was incredibly bored, I accepted the challenge. I learned a lot about myself (both related to and not related to the challenge) and really only rekindled the determination my inner demon has. Two and a half hours later, I’m contented and sleepy, finishing the last of my analysis, and trying to keep my mind from wandering to places it’s not supposed to. He challenged me to play with myself. See, now I’m wondering why he challenged me with something like this… It’s going to be an interesting year.
-It Wasn’t Earth-Shattering, But It Was Something
Scarlet Bloodmoon
PS – I just couldn’t resist adding a little bit of my raunchy self into this post…I could have really kept it clean, but where’s the fun in that? I confessed that I tend to make my posts seem as dirty and exciting as possible because I’m bored and want to ensure myself that my life is a lot more interesting than I think it really is, but I do get my share of drama and primetime. I guess my readers will have to take their spoonful of sugar with a little bit of medicine – the “sexcapade” adventures are going to be there, but there will be analysis. You can pick your poison, but the other side is part of the package too.
The reason I’m talking about this is because at the morning, I was reading a blog that’s rather raunchy. The author was talking about her tattoos and in a post before she got her second one, she was analyzing the reasoning behind her first and commented on how the second had to mean something to her.
Well, back when I used to delude myself and think that I knew exactly how I wanted to mutilate my body (i.e. a bellybutton ring; a piercing somewhere on the upper half of my left ear; two or three small tattoos in easy-to-cover places: back, shoulder blades, lower back, lower abdomen; an “identity tattoo” somewhere that I could either add to or shout some blunt statement about myself that will never change), I would try to plot out exactly what to get and why. These things are permanent! I didn’t want to be a billboard of my past, and so chronicling my various stages would do me no good. I wanted something that I could live with for the rest of my life. My name in Chinese, perhaps, and a shameless tribute to my inner demon. My “Bloodmoon” and a rather pretty linear design. I needed to remind the people staring at my body of who I was, and so, my tattoos needed to be planned to fit who I was, yet be modest and easy to hide. They needed to represent something as permanent as they were…
I am once again analyzing what crazy ink-tributes I would request someone leave in my skin…but I’m thinking more of where…This author has a tattoo level with her hips centered on her abdomen. She has another one on her ass. Of course, this author admits to being a nymphomaniac, so the tattoos only go to accent her lifestyle. No matter how much I want to admire the position and strategic lever of the tattoos, I know that I would never be able to achieve that sort of a lifestyle to accommodate for them. I tease…I am subtle…I am the breed of seductive where I could be fully clothed and have 94% of my skin covered, but still make people want me. I am shameless, but classy. I am intricate designs branching from a bellybutton, small knots and vines trailing along a lower back, and modest demonic wings boasting from shoulder blades.
New topic: Silver challenged me before he signed off a little past midnight. Being the slave to suggestion I am, and as I was incredibly bored, I accepted the challenge. I learned a lot about myself (both related to and not related to the challenge) and really only rekindled the determination my inner demon has. Two and a half hours later, I’m contented and sleepy, finishing the last of my analysis, and trying to keep my mind from wandering to places it’s not supposed to. He challenged me to play with myself. See, now I’m wondering why he challenged me with something like this… It’s going to be an interesting year.
-It Wasn’t Earth-Shattering, But It Was Something
Scarlet Bloodmoon
PS – I just couldn’t resist adding a little bit of my raunchy self into this post…I could have really kept it clean, but where’s the fun in that? I confessed that I tend to make my posts seem as dirty and exciting as possible because I’m bored and want to ensure myself that my life is a lot more interesting than I think it really is, but I do get my share of drama and primetime. I guess my readers will have to take their spoonful of sugar with a little bit of medicine – the “sexcapade” adventures are going to be there, but there will be analysis. You can pick your poison, but the other side is part of the package too.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Conversation Tidbits
So, I don't really remember the full context of what we were talking about, or where we were, but there is a tidbit of conversation that I can remember with my best friend.
We were talking about something related to sex and probably about how her boyfriend (which will be named Otter) won't give her oral, but she's given him oral before.
I decided that Otter was silly and had fears based on unfounded online "experiences" and information. My remark? Something along the lines of "That's ridiculous. We taste better than they do, and he won't do it?"
My dear friend Bella, a little confused, asked how I knew how we tasted. She made a reference to an act of cunnilingus, truly wondering.
Smirking, I responded, "That too, among others."
Of course, not talking about other guys, but of masturbation, I was surprised to find out that she wouldn't consider that one first, and probably hadn't actually masturbated herself. Okay, I'm not going to lie, I first started while reading my first trashy romance novel in eighth grade. From there, I've played with different ways to entertain myself. I have felt ashamed before of sharing that information before, but recently, I've come to terms with it and decided that there is nothing wrong with enjoying myself in that way.
Silver: have you ever played with yourself?
me: yes
Silver: but no orgasm?
interesting
me: I'm an interesting person
I am, however, still waiting for an earth-shattering orgasm.
Grr, don't you hate it when you start to develop fantasies and either the counterpart/partner is a complete mystery, or is someone you need to stop thinking about?
We were talking about something related to sex and probably about how her boyfriend (which will be named Otter) won't give her oral, but she's given him oral before.
I decided that Otter was silly and had fears based on unfounded online "experiences" and information. My remark? Something along the lines of "That's ridiculous. We taste better than they do, and he won't do it?"
My dear friend Bella, a little confused, asked how I knew how we tasted. She made a reference to an act of cunnilingus, truly wondering.
Smirking, I responded, "That too, among others."
Of course, not talking about other guys, but of masturbation, I was surprised to find out that she wouldn't consider that one first, and probably hadn't actually masturbated herself. Okay, I'm not going to lie, I first started while reading my first trashy romance novel in eighth grade. From there, I've played with different ways to entertain myself. I have felt ashamed before of sharing that information before, but recently, I've come to terms with it and decided that there is nothing wrong with enjoying myself in that way.
Silver: have you ever played with yourself?
me: yes
Silver: but no orgasm?
interesting
me: I'm an interesting person
I am, however, still waiting for an earth-shattering orgasm.
Grr, don't you hate it when you start to develop fantasies and either the counterpart/partner is a complete mystery, or is someone you need to stop thinking about?
You Will Never Realize The Darkness That's Inside
Friday night, I went out with three of my AcDec boys (and we'll call them James, Russian, and Pastry). We went to see "Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears A Who" and laughed through the entire movie...Well, Russian didn't as much as the rest of us, but I knew he enjoyed himself. He'd been looking for any hookups to alcohol, and James definitely was the provider. Through the movie, he had a small thing of Vodka (about 3/4 a shotglass, I guess) and Russian discovered after the movie that there was plenty more alcohol to be had that night. We went to dinner at a semi-sit-down restaurant like...200 feet from the movie theatre (Paradise Bakery). Russian bought me dinner (^_^) and we sat down at a circular table. The three guys sat all on one side, and since there were two extra places, I was an island all by myself. Commenting on the segregation of the table, Russian offered me part of his seat.
"The offer's tempting..."
I stayed on my segregated side. Hmm...We later mixed Russian a cocktail of some liquor (and now I can't remember) and coke. I took a sip and decided I enjoyed it, and the rest was Russian's to enjoy. I drove my brothers home and then headed out again.
Meeting up with James and Pastry outside of a sports shop, I learned we were going to ditch Russian as he purchased things. We giggled and walked to Walmart, which was just next to the sports store. Pastry needed to stop by the restrooms, so James and I left him. We joked about how eventually, it'd just be one of us. We ran off to the back to get glowsticks (as we both needed them) and eventually met up with Pastry again. By the glowsticks, we chatted with some random guy about using glowsticks as a fishing lure, and from there wandered around Walmart until we got to the registers. Paying for the glowsticks, we met up with Russian who claimed we were all traitors. I laughed and realized I was wanted back at home. Oops!
Rushing home, I got into a bit of trouble. Lost of trust, loss of electronics, the usual.
Saturday, nothing much happened. I woke up at noon and finished a book. The Vampire Diaries (or something close to that) was an okay book. The main character was iffy, and I thought that after reading Anne Rice almost religiously, this was subpar. After finishing the book, eating, and then wasting away, my parents decided that they were too lazy to cook, so we headed off to Sweet Tomatoes for dinner. Afterwards, I got two books, Bless Me Ultima and The World is Flat 3.0. More to come on the books as I read them, but I did get them!
So here I am, sitting, and chatting with Pastry earlier this predawn Sunday. We started talking about and developing plans to crash Russian's house on St. Patty's and get Russian drunk. Somewhere, we reiterated the point that Russian needed to get laid (as he went through a pathetic relationship where he spent more than a thousand dollars on the girl. Silly.) and I was the perfect candidate to provide his new "hobby" (that we were going to impose upon him) a starter kit. Guess what that meant? I get to be a whore! Well, not really. My plan was just to walk the drunk Russian to second base and call it a day. Brings up plenty of moral dilemmas though...
So, I guess this is how I feel about my three favorite AcDec kids. James was previously mentioned and is one of my vanilla cakes. Russian is currently a marble cake that I've never considered until Friday evening. If I were to do anything remotely vanilla with this guy, I'd be pampered beyond all belief, and most likely drowned in attention. Then there's Pastry, who I see as good, clean fun and no real prospect of any cake at all.
There's been one recurring thought on my mind all day today. It started when I woke up and imagined how it would feel (minus the hangover) to have woken up nine months from now after a drunken night with Silver. It was an interesting play of events, and I didn't let myself picture actually having sex with this guy. I mean, I know that the main reason behind his proposition was to get me drunk off of my ass and have sex with me, but I guess I didn't want to believe it and just imagined having cuddled with him all the previous night. Then, of course, my mind wanders obligatorily off to my past. Why is growing up so hard?
-Today's Title Comes from My Mind's Eye by Sirenia
"The offer's tempting..."
I stayed on my segregated side. Hmm...We later mixed Russian a cocktail of some liquor (and now I can't remember) and coke. I took a sip and decided I enjoyed it, and the rest was Russian's to enjoy. I drove my brothers home and then headed out again.
Meeting up with James and Pastry outside of a sports shop, I learned we were going to ditch Russian as he purchased things. We giggled and walked to Walmart, which was just next to the sports store. Pastry needed to stop by the restrooms, so James and I left him. We joked about how eventually, it'd just be one of us. We ran off to the back to get glowsticks (as we both needed them) and eventually met up with Pastry again. By the glowsticks, we chatted with some random guy about using glowsticks as a fishing lure, and from there wandered around Walmart until we got to the registers. Paying for the glowsticks, we met up with Russian who claimed we were all traitors. I laughed and realized I was wanted back at home. Oops!
Rushing home, I got into a bit of trouble. Lost of trust, loss of electronics, the usual.
Saturday, nothing much happened. I woke up at noon and finished a book. The Vampire Diaries (or something close to that) was an okay book. The main character was iffy, and I thought that after reading Anne Rice almost religiously, this was subpar. After finishing the book, eating, and then wasting away, my parents decided that they were too lazy to cook, so we headed off to Sweet Tomatoes for dinner. Afterwards, I got two books, Bless Me Ultima and The World is Flat 3.0. More to come on the books as I read them, but I did get them!
So here I am, sitting, and chatting with Pastry earlier this predawn Sunday. We started talking about and developing plans to crash Russian's house on St. Patty's and get Russian drunk. Somewhere, we reiterated the point that Russian needed to get laid (as he went through a pathetic relationship where he spent more than a thousand dollars on the girl. Silly.) and I was the perfect candidate to provide his new "hobby" (that we were going to impose upon him) a starter kit. Guess what that meant? I get to be a whore! Well, not really. My plan was just to walk the drunk Russian to second base and call it a day. Brings up plenty of moral dilemmas though...
So, I guess this is how I feel about my three favorite AcDec kids. James was previously mentioned and is one of my vanilla cakes. Russian is currently a marble cake that I've never considered until Friday evening. If I were to do anything remotely vanilla with this guy, I'd be pampered beyond all belief, and most likely drowned in attention. Then there's Pastry, who I see as good, clean fun and no real prospect of any cake at all.
There's been one recurring thought on my mind all day today. It started when I woke up and imagined how it would feel (minus the hangover) to have woken up nine months from now after a drunken night with Silver. It was an interesting play of events, and I didn't let myself picture actually having sex with this guy. I mean, I know that the main reason behind his proposition was to get me drunk off of my ass and have sex with me, but I guess I didn't want to believe it and just imagined having cuddled with him all the previous night. Then, of course, my mind wanders obligatorily off to my past. Why is growing up so hard?
-Today's Title Comes from My Mind's Eye by Sirenia
Thursday, March 13, 2008
These Are The Puppets, Here Are Their Strings
(As I feel awkward using any names without having asked permission...)
I guess it's a bit too late to talk about my ex...In fact, I've really stopped seeing him as an ex boyfriend. Well, as a female teenager and with the large amounts of moral dilemmas drifting about, I'm starting this blog to somehow quietly and anonymously detail my scandalous life. Let's start with the playbill, shall we?
The "Cakes"
One of my friends used a clever analogy comparing his girlfriend and fangirls to cakes. Building upon his analogy, I shared with him the difference between chocolate cakes and vanilla cakes. Chocolate cakes are the girls (in his case...my case, they are guys) who have little prospects emotionally and thus are for more physical relationships and propositions. Vanilla cakes are the people you could take home to Mom.
My Chocolate Cakes:
"Greed" - I met this character at a Comic Convention late January this year. I appeared dressed in fairly revealing clothing and hardcore flirted with any guy that had the attention span to flirt back, and thus, met Greed. On the final night of the convention, we got into heavy petting, so making out and stuffs, to a point where one of my friends is convinced I had sex with him. Apparently, however far we went was the furthest he'd ever gone, which is so very sad.
"Captain" - Though I would never actually go to him for chocolate, he's joked about booty-calling me. Originally a friend of a friend, he was in one of my classes last year and shared with me that out of me and two other female friends, I'd be one of the more interesting in bed (based on our personalities and his male intuition). He's currently dating a really good friend of mine and the relationship seems so fragile. I play only for the sake of playing with guys.
"Snake" - (I have no idea how that name fits him...) I dated this guy for six days before I decided that my then-not-ex was a better choice and just as interested in me as I was in him. From the middle of January, he's been expressing an interest in playing. Recently, I told him I was losing respect in him because he's too playful. He hinted at a relationship, saying that if he had the nerves and gut (yeah, he meant balls) to ask me out, he would.
"Fluffy" - This kid is so out of his league...I don't know why I started playing with him, but his attention made me want to keep him as a feel-good hit. I want nothing to do with him, and I'm starting to feel really bad that I've dragged him into my playing (as he's so innocent it's not even funny). I've convinced him that we don't want a relationship, so I'll just let it die.
Marble Cakes:
"Silver" - I think it's because I've kind of had a crush on him since I was a freshman, but I realize fully that this kid is trouble, yet I want to be able to see some good in him and believe that he is relationship material. We play constantly, but it's never gotten to really physical playing. Apparently, plans are in the making and he wants to get me drunk off my ass after I'm not jailbait anymore. (Edit 3/16/08: Codenamed Silver because that is the codename for each and every one of my love interests since 9th grade.)
"Damian" - This kid I'm just physically attracted to (he is fricken ripped!) and I feel I can teach him more than he could teach me (though I'm probably lying). He's in my physics and programming classes and his dad is a programmer, so I can yet mold him into the nerd I want, but neh. I'm lazy and I really don't want to.
Vanilla Cakes:
"James" - This kid I really have to be gentle with. He has trust and commitment issues, and the only thing that I can really do with this kid is enjoy a pure emotional relationship - if he'd let me. He's in both AcDec with me and Robotics, meaning I spend way too much time with this kid. He's entertaining, too much of a nerd not to keep me amused. I guess if I'm ever ready to settle for a mature relationship, if he's still there, I'd go for him.
"Tristan" - He was in my Creative Writing class last semester and is a sophomore. He's cute and slightly soft spoken. He has the prettiest cursive I've ever seen and definitely a nerd. I've had a friend dub herself my mother just to approve of him. If only I could get to talk to him a bit more...but then I might just scare him away...
"Lucien" - This is a kid that I've liked on and off since seventh grade...well the only reason I stopped crushing was because he was dating this really destructive girl and I didn't want to hurt myself watching him fall. They broke up and he was really hurt. I really wanted to step in and help, but being a really anti-social little girl at the time, I just sat back and watched as he drifted away. I spent freshman year with his brother entertaining everyone, and I finally convinced myself that I was jealous of him for his family closeness. If I actually had the chance, he'd be someone I'd really take care of.
"Napoleon" - This kid will apparently make me more cryptic and cruel than I am now. He's definitely not as interested in me as I am in him, seeing as he has the curse of liking girls in relationships...We jokingly planned to start a satellite project that will control parameters that will force him into world domination. I think I asked for an island or small country in his reign. I've joked about his future wife being meek and nothing but a pretty face allowed a certain budget to entertain herself with each month. He's a very intelligent peer and is definitely rounded enough to be a perfect Renaissance Man.
"Dante" - I guess I started liking this person after one of my friends did. She moved on because he was a jerk, but I found him more and more interesting. He was in the marching band, plays the piano...he was just fun. I'm not really going to die if I don't end up with him, but I feel like he's more of an emotional relationship than a physical one...he just doesn't matter as much to me.
My Gilbert Fanclub:
Most recently, my Gilbert Fanclub condensed to two guys, but it started with four guys who I met at an AcDec competition and avidly flirted with all of them. Out of the four, one of them never got to the level of competition the other three and I did, so I haven't heard from him in a long time. One of the three just kind of stopped after awhile, as the other two avidly stole and kept my attention. My best friend has told me that one of the fanboys would really complement me well, making me wish I had asked for his number or at least stole his phone and called mine with it. Damn! I miss my fanboys! I guess I shall see them next November...
I guess it's a bit too late to talk about my ex...In fact, I've really stopped seeing him as an ex boyfriend. Well, as a female teenager and with the large amounts of moral dilemmas drifting about, I'm starting this blog to somehow quietly and anonymously detail my scandalous life. Let's start with the playbill, shall we?
The "Cakes"
One of my friends used a clever analogy comparing his girlfriend and fangirls to cakes. Building upon his analogy, I shared with him the difference between chocolate cakes and vanilla cakes. Chocolate cakes are the girls (in his case...my case, they are guys) who have little prospects emotionally and thus are for more physical relationships and propositions. Vanilla cakes are the people you could take home to Mom.
My Chocolate Cakes:
"Greed" - I met this character at a Comic Convention late January this year. I appeared dressed in fairly revealing clothing and hardcore flirted with any guy that had the attention span to flirt back, and thus, met Greed. On the final night of the convention, we got into heavy petting, so making out and stuffs, to a point where one of my friends is convinced I had sex with him. Apparently, however far we went was the furthest he'd ever gone, which is so very sad.
"Captain" - Though I would never actually go to him for chocolate, he's joked about booty-calling me. Originally a friend of a friend, he was in one of my classes last year and shared with me that out of me and two other female friends, I'd be one of the more interesting in bed (based on our personalities and his male intuition). He's currently dating a really good friend of mine and the relationship seems so fragile. I play only for the sake of playing with guys.
"Snake" - (I have no idea how that name fits him...) I dated this guy for six days before I decided that my then-not-ex was a better choice and just as interested in me as I was in him. From the middle of January, he's been expressing an interest in playing. Recently, I told him I was losing respect in him because he's too playful. He hinted at a relationship, saying that if he had the nerves and gut (yeah, he meant balls) to ask me out, he would.
"Fluffy" - This kid is so out of his league...I don't know why I started playing with him, but his attention made me want to keep him as a feel-good hit. I want nothing to do with him, and I'm starting to feel really bad that I've dragged him into my playing (as he's so innocent it's not even funny). I've convinced him that we don't want a relationship, so I'll just let it die.
Marble Cakes:
"Silver" - I think it's because I've kind of had a crush on him since I was a freshman, but I realize fully that this kid is trouble, yet I want to be able to see some good in him and believe that he is relationship material. We play constantly, but it's never gotten to really physical playing. Apparently, plans are in the making and he wants to get me drunk off my ass after I'm not jailbait anymore. (Edit 3/16/08: Codenamed Silver because that is the codename for each and every one of my love interests since 9th grade.)
"Damian" - This kid I'm just physically attracted to (he is fricken ripped!) and I feel I can teach him more than he could teach me (though I'm probably lying). He's in my physics and programming classes and his dad is a programmer, so I can yet mold him into the nerd I want, but neh. I'm lazy and I really don't want to.
Vanilla Cakes:
"James" - This kid I really have to be gentle with. He has trust and commitment issues, and the only thing that I can really do with this kid is enjoy a pure emotional relationship - if he'd let me. He's in both AcDec with me and Robotics, meaning I spend way too much time with this kid. He's entertaining, too much of a nerd not to keep me amused. I guess if I'm ever ready to settle for a mature relationship, if he's still there, I'd go for him.
"Tristan" - He was in my Creative Writing class last semester and is a sophomore. He's cute and slightly soft spoken. He has the prettiest cursive I've ever seen and definitely a nerd. I've had a friend dub herself my mother just to approve of him. If only I could get to talk to him a bit more...but then I might just scare him away...
"Lucien" - This is a kid that I've liked on and off since seventh grade...well the only reason I stopped crushing was because he was dating this really destructive girl and I didn't want to hurt myself watching him fall. They broke up and he was really hurt. I really wanted to step in and help, but being a really anti-social little girl at the time, I just sat back and watched as he drifted away. I spent freshman year with his brother entertaining everyone, and I finally convinced myself that I was jealous of him for his family closeness. If I actually had the chance, he'd be someone I'd really take care of.
"Napoleon" - This kid will apparently make me more cryptic and cruel than I am now. He's definitely not as interested in me as I am in him, seeing as he has the curse of liking girls in relationships...We jokingly planned to start a satellite project that will control parameters that will force him into world domination. I think I asked for an island or small country in his reign. I've joked about his future wife being meek and nothing but a pretty face allowed a certain budget to entertain herself with each month. He's a very intelligent peer and is definitely rounded enough to be a perfect Renaissance Man.
"Dante" - I guess I started liking this person after one of my friends did. She moved on because he was a jerk, but I found him more and more interesting. He was in the marching band, plays the piano...he was just fun. I'm not really going to die if I don't end up with him, but I feel like he's more of an emotional relationship than a physical one...he just doesn't matter as much to me.
My Gilbert Fanclub:
Most recently, my Gilbert Fanclub condensed to two guys, but it started with four guys who I met at an AcDec competition and avidly flirted with all of them. Out of the four, one of them never got to the level of competition the other three and I did, so I haven't heard from him in a long time. One of the three just kind of stopped after awhile, as the other two avidly stole and kept my attention. My best friend has told me that one of the fanboys would really complement me well, making me wish I had asked for his number or at least stole his phone and called mine with it. Damn! I miss my fanboys! I guess I shall see them next November...
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