Once again, Pride takes over the general mindset as shocking news is learned. There is a moment of suspicion, of realization, and then of hoping that I was wrong. I mean, I kind of knew it was going to happen, but I never thought it would happen now. Something was off that morning, and it took realizing that he wouldn't even look at her or pay attention to her while she was bent over her desk in what seemed like discomfort. It wasn't the realization that tickles me with pride...It was the fact that I still hold a record.
I kind of want to know why it happened, but at the same time, I'm just going to accept that he feels things are different and thusly needs to get away before he starts hurting himself. It's always been like that for him, so I can see it happening like that. Anyways, moment of pride that I hate myself for having (not about the breakup, but about something a lot more...trivial?), but that's just that.
Moving on, I realize that we're really starting to develop a friendship. A real friendship! Sometimes, I don't know how I would react if I were still the annoying and clingy thing that I was before, but most of the time, I don't pay attention to that time of my life anymore. I'm just really glad that I am where I am...at least in this case.
I think I finally got rid of one of my...problems. Snake was shocked out of his skin the afternoon after he tried horribly to flirt with me. It took a moment to brush off and then flaunting a relationship in his face to break his concentration...and then his hope. I was dropping him off at his house, and all along the way, he was trying to play with me. After brushing most of it off, I finally told him I was in a relationship (because all through that day, I could have sworn it was really apparent that I was dating James) and he backed off like I was the plague. I couldn't help but laugh.
Through a lot of it, my vixen enjoyed it...wanted to play harder, you know. Some part of me was still as disgusted and just as I had ever been. I guess the whole "emotional relationship" thing is killing her...in the way that makes her mad and acts up all the time...She's really hard to kill...dang! She's hungry and I can't feed her...and there is no way in hell I'd allow anyone else to feed her. Whole ton of conflict there.
Ooh, new addiction: Raspberry Ice TOGO packs. They make a really great drink...
Anyways: This was a shorter piece, but I needed to finish an assignment. To sum it all up, I'm proud of things that shouldn't matter - I'm like the only one actually keeping score and it should all go away anyways, but I refuse to let it die; Snake is officially out of the question until I am single again (and my dad wonders why I hop from relationship to relationship. I hate playing, this keeps me from it); and my vixen is the hardest thing to ignore a lot of the time...Have I really come to depend on physical contact way too much?
Ooh, side note, no I haven't, Bella clings, I just need...treats.
-It's Been Ranty, It's Been Fun, It's Been Real
Scarlet Bloodmoon
PS - I strongly admire someone for being...so detached when bearing bad news. What does that say about me?
PPS - Last month's password was Conspiracy.
Showing posts with label Snake. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Snake. Show all posts
Monday, May 5, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Regrets Are Better Left Unspoken
I don’t know. I’m starting to spend a lot of time with James…it’s like after the competitions at the beginning of the break, I’ve seen him three more times over break and we just spend a lot of time together. Bella had suggested that out of any of the guys I could date, he’d be the best choice: “You know, out of anyone, I think you should date him.” “I think I should date him too…” Well, Wednesday was fun. There was like…a minute of chatting in the hallway before class, the second class of our day, and then lunch…and then Robotics after that, and from like 4 PM until 9:30, I’ve been spent the day with him…Bella was with us for a majority of it, but heh…
Apparently, I’ve just sealed the decision: I’m not going to Prom this year – as I am a junior. Well, unless I get a job and somehow get my great friend to come along…I definitely want to try to go in a tux and see what they say…That and this is the last year for my senior friends, so I’d get to be with them…and no doubt James is going to accomplish something random and silly with DJ…and I just have to see it. I don’t want to shell out fifty dollars for a ticket though…It’s kind of silly and I definitely don’t have that money. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m silly for not having a gorgeous dress that could have half of the male population forget about their dates for at least three seconds, and I really don’t want to have to deal with the planning involved…because it’s a long story, but the gist of it comes down to the fact that I’m getting obsessed…which is gross and silly.
Seriously…I’ve been slightly obsessed with Silver (and that’s really the main reason why he has his nickname thing) and I’m starting to develop one for James…I swear, the more time you spend with people, you either grow to really hate them, or you grow to love them in some way. Robotics has really brought me closer to a lot of people and torn me permanently away from others. Really, I’m kind of glad I’m finally growing up and away from being so fickle and petty, but the thing is…I still don’t trust myself not to screw it up.
Being the great person I am, I like to doubt myself and the things around me. I constantly doubt that guys could have any real feelings for me besides…“a tingle in their pants” or some extraordinarily silly euphemism like that. I mean, I realize that I’m a great person…half the time. The other half of the time, I’m just sure they see me as a friend and at best…a sibling. I fear that people will set me aside as the girl that’s too perfect to date because of how close the friendship has grown or something like that.
I may be outspoken a lot of the time, but I swear, I am a wonderful girl to take home to Mom and Dad. I can seriously impress on paper and in person, and I’m well-rounded enough to fit into conversation easily. I may be questionable on the streets, but I can act like the girl-next-door or the dream girl for any parent/friend/evaluator. I’m sweet, I’m caring, I’m daring, I’m ludicrous, I’m hilarious, I’m impossible, I’m perfect, and I’m going to be the most perfect thing anyone could wish for. I try to please – I give easier than I take – and there is never a dull moment with me. I’m fairly open, but I used to lie a lot…I can and will change for you…
I’m just…Eh.
Thursday was eventful. After school, I walked into Robotics to see Silver already there. Ooh! Well, he pulled me into a huge hug and we started with simple pleasantries. “How was break?” and the like. From there, we started right off and had the other people list companies that we considered potential sponsors. Eventually, when that was just about done and most of the people left, it was just Silver, DJ and I. We went off to clean the storage room where everything we used to build was. DJ left us at 5, and for another hour, we cleared a walking space and moved everything off to a side of the room. What progress! Somewhere in that hour, Silver found a box of thumb tacks. Previously, I had noted that I wanted more of them because they were so fun and I loved them. He handed me the box, and I responded with an enthusiastic “ooh! Tacks!” He chuckled and commented about the simple ways into a girl’s heart. Later, he kidnapped the tacks, and when I tried to bargain for a ransom, he suggested partial nudity – only when I had reached 18. Apparently, he’d been in trouble for stupid things like that before…so now he’s being really cautious. Hmm…Well, we finished with the sorting for the day and went back to the classroom and ended up chatting a little with the teacher. We left shortly after that.
Anyways, coming back to this, I realized I’m becoming bolder in my little…obsession (?) of James. Friday after school, James and DJ were heading off to a nearby college for a science thing, and since James has class right next to mine, I met him at the door of his classroom and told him I was going to follow him for a good deal of time. Crossing under the stairway to one of the buildings, we ran into Snake. Seriously, this kid is so lost…but that might be because I hide what I really want away from the world. Well, after he grouped up with us, we stood around and greeted a group of friends under the stairs before we all went to the Science and Math building. Getting up the stairs and going into the classroom, we took a corner in the back (the usual haunt) and looked for DJ. He had yet to come. Some other kid came (and seriously, he’s uber obsessed with Chemistry…) and we started joking and chatting. I could easily tell that Snake was out of place, but I didn’t care. I hoped that he would either sooner or later make up an excuse and go away or get the point. He didn’t. Oh well. James decided to start organizing his laptop case, and so, pulling out mine, I did too. It was amusing. I pulled out a whole ton of note cards and just the random crap that I’ve stashed in there for ever. I ended up throwing away all of the paper in my thing…which is probably okay considering most of the stuff was definitely old anyways. I organized my bag a little too…but that didn’t get very far.
Eventually, DJ arrived. The other kid had found a burette thing and started playing with it. He squirted water at all of us, and after complaining about being wet and making inappropriate jokes, we left to travel and get things done. When three came around, they had to leave, so each taking a poster thing that we needed to load, James, DJ, Snake and I went off to James’ car (which was just next to mine…) and loaded the posters into the bed of his truck. It worked out well. They left, and so, I called Bella (who needed a ride) and loaded up with Snake. Driving away, we reached a stop close to a grocery store. Previously, DJ and James had planned to stop by a the grocery and pick up energy drinks, which made me laugh when a red pick-up pulled out (and we all assumed it was James’ car). I dropped my little guests off, and drove home.
At 4, Otter called and asked if I wanted to go over for a swim party thing. I had nothing to do, so sure, I’ll come along was the decision. Unable to think of anyone else to invite, I convinced my dad to let me go and got to his house. Bella had a play to attend, so she wasn’t there. Eh. Well, when I got there, Captain, Otter, and Otter’s twin was there and we were waiting for another girl. When she got there, we all got ready to swim and headed outside. I dove into the pool first, followed by Otter and Captain. The other girl didn’t join us because she was on her period, so she sat at the edge of the pool and silently suffered when splashed or purposely soaked. Lawlz. After sitting around the pool for half an hour (the water was freezing!), we just started chatting. I talked about sex lives and the like, discussing my adventures at the Convention towards the beginning of the year…not more than two months ago. Greed was mentioned, and the funny thing was, Captain was wondering just how fun he was.
“He was no fun at all…too easy.” I commented.
“What do you mean by too easy?” Captain teased.
“Ha! Everything” someone else said.
“Tch. No…just…” I started.
“Like he’d do anything: ‘Take off your pants!’” The second person said.
“Haha, yeah, he would have.” I responded, drifting from the topic.
We then talked about what I might go as for the next convention come Memorial weekend. It was all great fun. We later got dressed and walked to the park. We dug out the jump rope that had been in my car for weeks now and played with that. When it broke, we turned it into two whips before it became a flog. It is now in my trunk again…
Anyways: I got home at 7 and haven’t really done much at all.
I went to lunch with James on Friday. During fifth period, I tend to migrate throughout the room. Most of the students are concentrated in this little spot, and I move around a lot. Towards the beginning, I settled myself close to James and during a moment of bustle, he mentioned the plan. It has somewhat become a “tradition” that a four of us had started. The only constants (for me anyways) were James and I. Today, it was just the two of us. On random Fridays where we had that class, we would go off campus for lunch and return before the last class of the day. It always worked nicely.
We met in the parking lot, in between our two cars (as they were right next to each other). He was shuffling with a few things, so I slung my laptop into my trunk and helped him stick a large sticker to his back window. Finally, he turned to me. “Yours or mine?*” Well, not really caring which car we took, he asked about my mileage, commenting that I must have done the math constantly. Smiling appreciatively, I replied with the number I figured and he said his was just about the same. Ah…well then, that doesn’t matter then. His pick-up was just about stuffed anyways, so we took my car. Lunch was fun and we made it back just as the bell rang, dismissing us to our next class. Routing through the library, we walked out the door and headed back towards the cafeteria. Bella noticed us and asked where we had gone. Cautiously, we almost simultaneously responded with “places…” before heading off to our classes. Since they were right next to each other, we headed to the spot in between where a group of our friends gather all the time and stood and chatted until we had a minute to get to class. Saying goodbyes, we headed off to our classes. It was just…fun.
I think I’ve finally decided that no matter what, I have this huge obsession with James and the only real way to get rid of it would be harsh rejection or starting a relationship with him. Bella even said something about it in the car Friday afternoon. We were heading off to her home from dropping off Snake and I told her about how I definitely didn’t want anything to do with Snake. She told me that I had to destroy any sense of hope Snake had and just end it already, but I responded apathetically and saw it in an even more roundabout way. All I really needed to do was find myself in a commitment before he developed the balls to ask me out. “Now, if only I can find my victim before the next time he tries…” She said I didn’t need a victim – she couldn’t see why I would ever need one. “You could have [James]…You’ve hung out with him so much recently…especially over break and stuff like that.” I know I can have him, I know I want him, and I know that he’s just so cute, but right now, I don’t really need to care about the person that I break Snake’s heart with. He just needs testosterone and agree to a commitment before I exploded on Snake. He would be the best choice, and then I wouldn’t need to pretend, but with his trust and commitment issues…that’d be hard.
From a previous post, I’ve established that this is my rubric for guys:
1. He has to ask me
2. Nerdy-esque, gamer guy
3. Sci-fi/fantasy guy and be able to talk about it
4. be able to talk about literature
5. be able to talk about coding
6. Be able to understand nerdy references (which is different from being a nerd)
7. Be able to understand me.
8. Be able to grow within and out of the relationship
9. Be emotionally attached instead of physically inclined
10. Be able to appease my different moods – meaning he must be at least slightly romantic
Well: 1, 8, and 10 are kind of hard to discuss, but now, I can use this and compare everyone I could want with the rest. Yay! Now…if I could make a more extensive one for life in general…
DJ’s girlfriend (who had dubbed herself my mother) is – and this is all speculation from me, but I swear! – trying to matchmake me with James, I promise. Every time I talk about doing something with DJ and her (and then considering the fact that I’d have to be a third wheel type figure), she’d comment on the fact that I could always bring James along and wouldn’t be so much of a wheel anymore. For example, we were talking one day about prom and stuff like that when I said it would be hilarious to just dress up in the most formal dress in our closets and go to a fast food restaurant. We didn’t need to go on prom night, but you know. We giggled and said we’d go on another school’s prom night. Seriously joking, I said we’d need to drag random guys with us. She giggled a bit and said she’d take DJ over a random guy any day. I revaluated and said I’d have to take a random guy. She countered with the fact that I could always take James. Seriously, are all of my female friends that are close to him wanting me to date him? In that way, she and I would become closer (as it is almost a fact that if two really close friends – in this case James and DJ – are both dating, the two girls will either grow closer or hate the guts of the other and screw up the friendship…but we wouldn’t do that!) and it’d all be entertaining and amusing. I swear, the idea of asking James myself is starting to look better and better…
Grr! I’m so close to asking the people around him how he feels about me. I’m still ignoring some parts of the truth, but we’ve had so much fun that I think that I’m entitled to…I guess the next time DJ and I have a heart-to-heart chat, I can bring it up. I don’t know…I just feel kind of awkward trying to fish it out of the people around him…it’s just weird. Well…This is me pretending and masquerading.
*The funny thing is, I had the exact line on the tip of my tongue. And now, I realize (hey! I am being perfectly innocent when the thought of relationships come to mind…and I’ve been pondering that a lot…It’s like one of my masks…just…not really a mask) how interesting that sounds…Truthfully, me backseat is kind of small and he has a truckbed. Tch. ^_^ Let’s stop now, kk? k.
- There Is Nothing More I Want To Do Than Take It All Back
Scarlet Bloodmoon
PS – My newest name obsession is Lilith. She is, from the bible-ness, the first woman-creature created by God, but was pure evil. She spawned demonic legions and seduces men in their beds. How fun is that? She’s the Succubus.
Title from: Rise Above This by Seether.
Apparently, I’ve just sealed the decision: I’m not going to Prom this year – as I am a junior. Well, unless I get a job and somehow get my great friend to come along…I definitely want to try to go in a tux and see what they say…That and this is the last year for my senior friends, so I’d get to be with them…and no doubt James is going to accomplish something random and silly with DJ…and I just have to see it. I don’t want to shell out fifty dollars for a ticket though…It’s kind of silly and I definitely don’t have that money. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m silly for not having a gorgeous dress that could have half of the male population forget about their dates for at least three seconds, and I really don’t want to have to deal with the planning involved…because it’s a long story, but the gist of it comes down to the fact that I’m getting obsessed…which is gross and silly.
Seriously…I’ve been slightly obsessed with Silver (and that’s really the main reason why he has his nickname thing) and I’m starting to develop one for James…I swear, the more time you spend with people, you either grow to really hate them, or you grow to love them in some way. Robotics has really brought me closer to a lot of people and torn me permanently away from others. Really, I’m kind of glad I’m finally growing up and away from being so fickle and petty, but the thing is…I still don’t trust myself not to screw it up.
Being the great person I am, I like to doubt myself and the things around me. I constantly doubt that guys could have any real feelings for me besides…“a tingle in their pants” or some extraordinarily silly euphemism like that. I mean, I realize that I’m a great person…half the time. The other half of the time, I’m just sure they see me as a friend and at best…a sibling. I fear that people will set me aside as the girl that’s too perfect to date because of how close the friendship has grown or something like that.
I may be outspoken a lot of the time, but I swear, I am a wonderful girl to take home to Mom and Dad. I can seriously impress on paper and in person, and I’m well-rounded enough to fit into conversation easily. I may be questionable on the streets, but I can act like the girl-next-door or the dream girl for any parent/friend/evaluator. I’m sweet, I’m caring, I’m daring, I’m ludicrous, I’m hilarious, I’m impossible, I’m perfect, and I’m going to be the most perfect thing anyone could wish for. I try to please – I give easier than I take – and there is never a dull moment with me. I’m fairly open, but I used to lie a lot…I can and will change for you…
I’m just…Eh.
Thursday was eventful. After school, I walked into Robotics to see Silver already there. Ooh! Well, he pulled me into a huge hug and we started with simple pleasantries. “How was break?” and the like. From there, we started right off and had the other people list companies that we considered potential sponsors. Eventually, when that was just about done and most of the people left, it was just Silver, DJ and I. We went off to clean the storage room where everything we used to build was. DJ left us at 5, and for another hour, we cleared a walking space and moved everything off to a side of the room. What progress! Somewhere in that hour, Silver found a box of thumb tacks. Previously, I had noted that I wanted more of them because they were so fun and I loved them. He handed me the box, and I responded with an enthusiastic “ooh! Tacks!” He chuckled and commented about the simple ways into a girl’s heart. Later, he kidnapped the tacks, and when I tried to bargain for a ransom, he suggested partial nudity – only when I had reached 18. Apparently, he’d been in trouble for stupid things like that before…so now he’s being really cautious. Hmm…Well, we finished with the sorting for the day and went back to the classroom and ended up chatting a little with the teacher. We left shortly after that.
Anyways, coming back to this, I realized I’m becoming bolder in my little…obsession (?) of James. Friday after school, James and DJ were heading off to a nearby college for a science thing, and since James has class right next to mine, I met him at the door of his classroom and told him I was going to follow him for a good deal of time. Crossing under the stairway to one of the buildings, we ran into Snake. Seriously, this kid is so lost…but that might be because I hide what I really want away from the world. Well, after he grouped up with us, we stood around and greeted a group of friends under the stairs before we all went to the Science and Math building. Getting up the stairs and going into the classroom, we took a corner in the back (the usual haunt) and looked for DJ. He had yet to come. Some other kid came (and seriously, he’s uber obsessed with Chemistry…) and we started joking and chatting. I could easily tell that Snake was out of place, but I didn’t care. I hoped that he would either sooner or later make up an excuse and go away or get the point. He didn’t. Oh well. James decided to start organizing his laptop case, and so, pulling out mine, I did too. It was amusing. I pulled out a whole ton of note cards and just the random crap that I’ve stashed in there for ever. I ended up throwing away all of the paper in my thing…which is probably okay considering most of the stuff was definitely old anyways. I organized my bag a little too…but that didn’t get very far.
Eventually, DJ arrived. The other kid had found a burette thing and started playing with it. He squirted water at all of us, and after complaining about being wet and making inappropriate jokes, we left to travel and get things done. When three came around, they had to leave, so each taking a poster thing that we needed to load, James, DJ, Snake and I went off to James’ car (which was just next to mine…) and loaded the posters into the bed of his truck. It worked out well. They left, and so, I called Bella (who needed a ride) and loaded up with Snake. Driving away, we reached a stop close to a grocery store. Previously, DJ and James had planned to stop by a the grocery and pick up energy drinks, which made me laugh when a red pick-up pulled out (and we all assumed it was James’ car). I dropped my little guests off, and drove home.
At 4, Otter called and asked if I wanted to go over for a swim party thing. I had nothing to do, so sure, I’ll come along was the decision. Unable to think of anyone else to invite, I convinced my dad to let me go and got to his house. Bella had a play to attend, so she wasn’t there. Eh. Well, when I got there, Captain, Otter, and Otter’s twin was there and we were waiting for another girl. When she got there, we all got ready to swim and headed outside. I dove into the pool first, followed by Otter and Captain. The other girl didn’t join us because she was on her period, so she sat at the edge of the pool and silently suffered when splashed or purposely soaked. Lawlz. After sitting around the pool for half an hour (the water was freezing!), we just started chatting. I talked about sex lives and the like, discussing my adventures at the Convention towards the beginning of the year…not more than two months ago. Greed was mentioned, and the funny thing was, Captain was wondering just how fun he was.
“He was no fun at all…too easy.” I commented.
“What do you mean by too easy?” Captain teased.
“Ha! Everything” someone else said.
“Tch. No…just…” I started.
“Like he’d do anything: ‘Take off your pants!’” The second person said.
“Haha, yeah, he would have.” I responded, drifting from the topic.
We then talked about what I might go as for the next convention come Memorial weekend. It was all great fun. We later got dressed and walked to the park. We dug out the jump rope that had been in my car for weeks now and played with that. When it broke, we turned it into two whips before it became a flog. It is now in my trunk again…
Anyways: I got home at 7 and haven’t really done much at all.
I went to lunch with James on Friday. During fifth period, I tend to migrate throughout the room. Most of the students are concentrated in this little spot, and I move around a lot. Towards the beginning, I settled myself close to James and during a moment of bustle, he mentioned the plan. It has somewhat become a “tradition” that a four of us had started. The only constants (for me anyways) were James and I. Today, it was just the two of us. On random Fridays where we had that class, we would go off campus for lunch and return before the last class of the day. It always worked nicely.
We met in the parking lot, in between our two cars (as they were right next to each other). He was shuffling with a few things, so I slung my laptop into my trunk and helped him stick a large sticker to his back window. Finally, he turned to me. “Yours or mine?*” Well, not really caring which car we took, he asked about my mileage, commenting that I must have done the math constantly. Smiling appreciatively, I replied with the number I figured and he said his was just about the same. Ah…well then, that doesn’t matter then. His pick-up was just about stuffed anyways, so we took my car. Lunch was fun and we made it back just as the bell rang, dismissing us to our next class. Routing through the library, we walked out the door and headed back towards the cafeteria. Bella noticed us and asked where we had gone. Cautiously, we almost simultaneously responded with “places…” before heading off to our classes. Since they were right next to each other, we headed to the spot in between where a group of our friends gather all the time and stood and chatted until we had a minute to get to class. Saying goodbyes, we headed off to our classes. It was just…fun.
I think I’ve finally decided that no matter what, I have this huge obsession with James and the only real way to get rid of it would be harsh rejection or starting a relationship with him. Bella even said something about it in the car Friday afternoon. We were heading off to her home from dropping off Snake and I told her about how I definitely didn’t want anything to do with Snake. She told me that I had to destroy any sense of hope Snake had and just end it already, but I responded apathetically and saw it in an even more roundabout way. All I really needed to do was find myself in a commitment before he developed the balls to ask me out. “Now, if only I can find my victim before the next time he tries…” She said I didn’t need a victim – she couldn’t see why I would ever need one. “You could have [James]…You’ve hung out with him so much recently…especially over break and stuff like that.” I know I can have him, I know I want him, and I know that he’s just so cute, but right now, I don’t really need to care about the person that I break Snake’s heart with. He just needs testosterone and agree to a commitment before I exploded on Snake. He would be the best choice, and then I wouldn’t need to pretend, but with his trust and commitment issues…that’d be hard.
From a previous post, I’ve established that this is my rubric for guys:
1. He has to ask me
2. Nerdy-esque, gamer guy
3. Sci-fi/fantasy guy and be able to talk about it
4. be able to talk about literature
5. be able to talk about coding
6. Be able to understand nerdy references (which is different from being a nerd)
7. Be able to understand me.
8. Be able to grow within and out of the relationship
9. Be emotionally attached instead of physically inclined
10. Be able to appease my different moods – meaning he must be at least slightly romantic
Well: 1, 8, and 10 are kind of hard to discuss, but now, I can use this and compare everyone I could want with the rest. Yay! Now…if I could make a more extensive one for life in general…
DJ’s girlfriend (who had dubbed herself my mother) is – and this is all speculation from me, but I swear! – trying to matchmake me with James, I promise. Every time I talk about doing something with DJ and her (and then considering the fact that I’d have to be a third wheel type figure), she’d comment on the fact that I could always bring James along and wouldn’t be so much of a wheel anymore. For example, we were talking one day about prom and stuff like that when I said it would be hilarious to just dress up in the most formal dress in our closets and go to a fast food restaurant. We didn’t need to go on prom night, but you know. We giggled and said we’d go on another school’s prom night. Seriously joking, I said we’d need to drag random guys with us. She giggled a bit and said she’d take DJ over a random guy any day. I revaluated and said I’d have to take a random guy. She countered with the fact that I could always take James. Seriously, are all of my female friends that are close to him wanting me to date him? In that way, she and I would become closer (as it is almost a fact that if two really close friends – in this case James and DJ – are both dating, the two girls will either grow closer or hate the guts of the other and screw up the friendship…but we wouldn’t do that!) and it’d all be entertaining and amusing. I swear, the idea of asking James myself is starting to look better and better…
Grr! I’m so close to asking the people around him how he feels about me. I’m still ignoring some parts of the truth, but we’ve had so much fun that I think that I’m entitled to…I guess the next time DJ and I have a heart-to-heart chat, I can bring it up. I don’t know…I just feel kind of awkward trying to fish it out of the people around him…it’s just weird. Well…This is me pretending and masquerading.
*The funny thing is, I had the exact line on the tip of my tongue. And now, I realize (hey! I am being perfectly innocent when the thought of relationships come to mind…and I’ve been pondering that a lot…It’s like one of my masks…just…not really a mask) how interesting that sounds…Truthfully, me backseat is kind of small and he has a truckbed. Tch. ^_^ Let’s stop now, kk? k.
- There Is Nothing More I Want To Do Than Take It All Back
Scarlet Bloodmoon
PS – My newest name obsession is Lilith. She is, from the bible-ness, the first woman-creature created by God, but was pure evil. She spawned demonic legions and seduces men in their beds. How fun is that? She’s the Succubus.
Title from: Rise Above This by Seether.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Pick Your Prey in a Wicked Way
Today was fun. I woke up at...about 3 this afternoon after missing a call from Snake. Now, I haven't really talked to him much, and the funniest thing ever is, he's still trying to get me.
Snake wanted to see if I wanted to go to the movies today. I told him I couldn't as my parents had left for California and put us under a sort of house arrest. No one can come over, and we can't go anywhere. (Well, not quite. My mother is lenient when it comes to birthday parties.) He was a tad disappointed, but I guess had to suck it up and get over it (as I offered little genuine sympathy). We then started chatting about what was going on over break and whatnot, and told him that I had been pretty bored. I guess I told him the highlight of my break was baking a cake, but I think I thought he meant of my house arrest when he was talking about my break. So not true. My most exciting was the night out or the birthday party! Anyways, he settled with making a movie date for the next weekend. Eh. I'll find a way out or bring someone along at the last minute just to ruin his plans. ^_^ I will not fall victim to him wanting a relationship. Nope!
Rawr! Okay. Well...then if was off to my laptop, where I spent the next three hours reading over things and talking to people...eating a little, and then my brother wanted to go to a friend's birthday thing. Cool, okay. I took him. My mother decided to let me go to the mall to wait for him because it was closer than going home and then coming back. Sure! So, I went and bought 28 Magic: the Gathering cards and 3 20-sided dice. Yes! Well, I went back, got my brother, and then got pizza for the other brother at home. (Oh, that's right: home life = 3 brothers and my parents.)
Came back home, and went off to read this online story that I've been reading for a little. I mean, it's not wonderful, but I like reading it. Anyways, it made me start thinking about what kind of guy I would need in order for me to keep interested and challenged. I've always known I needed someone to challenge me, and thinking back on my previous relationship, I knew that he challenged me and kept me in line sometimes, but I had most of the dominance in the relationship. Not all of it, but just more than half. I also realized that I lost interest in Greed because he was so easy. I dominated him and he put up no chase or challenge. I live to try for what I could never have. I need something that I can't have and strive for. I need a challenge...Coming a day after Silver challenged me...hmm...
I also starting thinking about my friend Bella. There's a little back story, so here we go: At the beginning of Spring Break, I spent the night with Bella. We decided to go and get dinner and get blue hair dye. I got tired of my purple hair and wanted to move on to another color. So, I settled for blue and Bella had some interest in dying her hair too. So, that night we went to her house, tried a strand test on her sister (who was blond, so that kind of worked nicely) and really liked the color. Since I had a strip of hair that was already bleached from the purple dye that had already faded away, I had a very good idea where to put the blue. Bella grabbed a section of her bangs and decided to dye that. Okay. So, an hour and a half later, we washed out the dye (it wasn't in that long, but other stuff and gone on) and she decided that she didn't like the dye job at all. She broke down about it. She called her boyfriend and was talking to him about how badly the night had been because of it. Not fair! We had a fun dinner and really enjoyed ourselves until we washed off the dye! She broke even more when we couldn't fix the mistake without making her whole half of her head blue. It wasn't even that bad, and if I had that, I'd find a way to incorporate it! Eh. It was break and she was going to Mexico. Nothing like sun and salt to wash out dye. She still was looking for sympathy and after Otter could give it to her, she cried and got moody.
So, the point is, I was wondering if I would ever be able to stand a relationship with Otter. I don't want one, but the thing is, would I be able to love him like she does? No. I need someone to intellectually entertain and humor me. I want someone to get all of my jokes and references, and I want someone who isn't going to run off with his friends for something stupid/silly unless I've already done so. (Not really...It sounds so mean: like I want someone who will be able to achieve telepathy and be able to go from there.) No, I needed someone with a little more responsibility and maturity. Otter would make a fine friend and joker, but not relationship material for me. You know...that splicing idea...
I really want to retain a lot of the stuff that happened in previous relationships and have the personalities of a lot of my cakes. -Sigh-
So, I had a really entertaining conversation with someone about Super Smash Brothers: Brawl. He hated what happened to it, but as I've played selective things and really enjoy the idea the WiFi they've implemented among other things, I conversed about how he was kind of on crack. Eh. Still, it was fun because I got to talk about nerd stuff to someone who could return fire.
Well, I'm going to stop now and enjoy the cake I made last night. Yum!
-The Spiraling Has Finally Stopped, But Do I Have To Climb Out Myself?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: She Is My Sin by Nightwish
Snake wanted to see if I wanted to go to the movies today. I told him I couldn't as my parents had left for California and put us under a sort of house arrest. No one can come over, and we can't go anywhere. (Well, not quite. My mother is lenient when it comes to birthday parties.) He was a tad disappointed, but I guess had to suck it up and get over it (as I offered little genuine sympathy). We then started chatting about what was going on over break and whatnot, and told him that I had been pretty bored. I guess I told him the highlight of my break was baking a cake, but I think I thought he meant of my house arrest when he was talking about my break. So not true. My most exciting was the night out or the birthday party! Anyways, he settled with making a movie date for the next weekend. Eh. I'll find a way out or bring someone along at the last minute just to ruin his plans. ^_^ I will not fall victim to him wanting a relationship. Nope!
Rawr! Okay. Well...then if was off to my laptop, where I spent the next three hours reading over things and talking to people...eating a little, and then my brother wanted to go to a friend's birthday thing. Cool, okay. I took him. My mother decided to let me go to the mall to wait for him because it was closer than going home and then coming back. Sure! So, I went and bought 28 Magic: the Gathering cards and 3 20-sided dice. Yes! Well, I went back, got my brother, and then got pizza for the other brother at home. (Oh, that's right: home life = 3 brothers and my parents.)
Came back home, and went off to read this online story that I've been reading for a little. I mean, it's not wonderful, but I like reading it. Anyways, it made me start thinking about what kind of guy I would need in order for me to keep interested and challenged. I've always known I needed someone to challenge me, and thinking back on my previous relationship, I knew that he challenged me and kept me in line sometimes, but I had most of the dominance in the relationship. Not all of it, but just more than half. I also realized that I lost interest in Greed because he was so easy. I dominated him and he put up no chase or challenge. I live to try for what I could never have. I need something that I can't have and strive for. I need a challenge...Coming a day after Silver challenged me...hmm...
I also starting thinking about my friend Bella. There's a little back story, so here we go: At the beginning of Spring Break, I spent the night with Bella. We decided to go and get dinner and get blue hair dye. I got tired of my purple hair and wanted to move on to another color. So, I settled for blue and Bella had some interest in dying her hair too. So, that night we went to her house, tried a strand test on her sister (who was blond, so that kind of worked nicely) and really liked the color. Since I had a strip of hair that was already bleached from the purple dye that had already faded away, I had a very good idea where to put the blue. Bella grabbed a section of her bangs and decided to dye that. Okay. So, an hour and a half later, we washed out the dye (it wasn't in that long, but other stuff and gone on) and she decided that she didn't like the dye job at all. She broke down about it. She called her boyfriend and was talking to him about how badly the night had been because of it. Not fair! We had a fun dinner and really enjoyed ourselves until we washed off the dye! She broke even more when we couldn't fix the mistake without making her whole half of her head blue. It wasn't even that bad, and if I had that, I'd find a way to incorporate it! Eh. It was break and she was going to Mexico. Nothing like sun and salt to wash out dye. She still was looking for sympathy and after Otter could give it to her, she cried and got moody.
So, the point is, I was wondering if I would ever be able to stand a relationship with Otter. I don't want one, but the thing is, would I be able to love him like she does? No. I need someone to intellectually entertain and humor me. I want someone to get all of my jokes and references, and I want someone who isn't going to run off with his friends for something stupid/silly unless I've already done so. (Not really...It sounds so mean: like I want someone who will be able to achieve telepathy and be able to go from there.) No, I needed someone with a little more responsibility and maturity. Otter would make a fine friend and joker, but not relationship material for me. You know...that splicing idea...
I really want to retain a lot of the stuff that happened in previous relationships and have the personalities of a lot of my cakes. -Sigh-
So, I had a really entertaining conversation with someone about Super Smash Brothers: Brawl. He hated what happened to it, but as I've played selective things and really enjoy the idea the WiFi they've implemented among other things, I conversed about how he was kind of on crack. Eh. Still, it was fun because I got to talk about nerd stuff to someone who could return fire.
Well, I'm going to stop now and enjoy the cake I made last night. Yum!
-The Spiraling Has Finally Stopped, But Do I Have To Climb Out Myself?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: She Is My Sin by Nightwish
Thursday, March 13, 2008
These Are The Puppets, Here Are Their Strings
(As I feel awkward using any names without having asked permission...)
I guess it's a bit too late to talk about my ex...In fact, I've really stopped seeing him as an ex boyfriend. Well, as a female teenager and with the large amounts of moral dilemmas drifting about, I'm starting this blog to somehow quietly and anonymously detail my scandalous life. Let's start with the playbill, shall we?
The "Cakes"
One of my friends used a clever analogy comparing his girlfriend and fangirls to cakes. Building upon his analogy, I shared with him the difference between chocolate cakes and vanilla cakes. Chocolate cakes are the girls (in his case...my case, they are guys) who have little prospects emotionally and thus are for more physical relationships and propositions. Vanilla cakes are the people you could take home to Mom.
My Chocolate Cakes:
"Greed" - I met this character at a Comic Convention late January this year. I appeared dressed in fairly revealing clothing and hardcore flirted with any guy that had the attention span to flirt back, and thus, met Greed. On the final night of the convention, we got into heavy petting, so making out and stuffs, to a point where one of my friends is convinced I had sex with him. Apparently, however far we went was the furthest he'd ever gone, which is so very sad.
"Captain" - Though I would never actually go to him for chocolate, he's joked about booty-calling me. Originally a friend of a friend, he was in one of my classes last year and shared with me that out of me and two other female friends, I'd be one of the more interesting in bed (based on our personalities and his male intuition). He's currently dating a really good friend of mine and the relationship seems so fragile. I play only for the sake of playing with guys.
"Snake" - (I have no idea how that name fits him...) I dated this guy for six days before I decided that my then-not-ex was a better choice and just as interested in me as I was in him. From the middle of January, he's been expressing an interest in playing. Recently, I told him I was losing respect in him because he's too playful. He hinted at a relationship, saying that if he had the nerves and gut (yeah, he meant balls) to ask me out, he would.
"Fluffy" - This kid is so out of his league...I don't know why I started playing with him, but his attention made me want to keep him as a feel-good hit. I want nothing to do with him, and I'm starting to feel really bad that I've dragged him into my playing (as he's so innocent it's not even funny). I've convinced him that we don't want a relationship, so I'll just let it die.
Marble Cakes:
"Silver" - I think it's because I've kind of had a crush on him since I was a freshman, but I realize fully that this kid is trouble, yet I want to be able to see some good in him and believe that he is relationship material. We play constantly, but it's never gotten to really physical playing. Apparently, plans are in the making and he wants to get me drunk off my ass after I'm not jailbait anymore. (Edit 3/16/08: Codenamed Silver because that is the codename for each and every one of my love interests since 9th grade.)
"Damian" - This kid I'm just physically attracted to (he is fricken ripped!) and I feel I can teach him more than he could teach me (though I'm probably lying). He's in my physics and programming classes and his dad is a programmer, so I can yet mold him into the nerd I want, but neh. I'm lazy and I really don't want to.
Vanilla Cakes:
"James" - This kid I really have to be gentle with. He has trust and commitment issues, and the only thing that I can really do with this kid is enjoy a pure emotional relationship - if he'd let me. He's in both AcDec with me and Robotics, meaning I spend way too much time with this kid. He's entertaining, too much of a nerd not to keep me amused. I guess if I'm ever ready to settle for a mature relationship, if he's still there, I'd go for him.
"Tristan" - He was in my Creative Writing class last semester and is a sophomore. He's cute and slightly soft spoken. He has the prettiest cursive I've ever seen and definitely a nerd. I've had a friend dub herself my mother just to approve of him. If only I could get to talk to him a bit more...but then I might just scare him away...
"Lucien" - This is a kid that I've liked on and off since seventh grade...well the only reason I stopped crushing was because he was dating this really destructive girl and I didn't want to hurt myself watching him fall. They broke up and he was really hurt. I really wanted to step in and help, but being a really anti-social little girl at the time, I just sat back and watched as he drifted away. I spent freshman year with his brother entertaining everyone, and I finally convinced myself that I was jealous of him for his family closeness. If I actually had the chance, he'd be someone I'd really take care of.
"Napoleon" - This kid will apparently make me more cryptic and cruel than I am now. He's definitely not as interested in me as I am in him, seeing as he has the curse of liking girls in relationships...We jokingly planned to start a satellite project that will control parameters that will force him into world domination. I think I asked for an island or small country in his reign. I've joked about his future wife being meek and nothing but a pretty face allowed a certain budget to entertain herself with each month. He's a very intelligent peer and is definitely rounded enough to be a perfect Renaissance Man.
"Dante" - I guess I started liking this person after one of my friends did. She moved on because he was a jerk, but I found him more and more interesting. He was in the marching band, plays the piano...he was just fun. I'm not really going to die if I don't end up with him, but I feel like he's more of an emotional relationship than a physical one...he just doesn't matter as much to me.
My Gilbert Fanclub:
Most recently, my Gilbert Fanclub condensed to two guys, but it started with four guys who I met at an AcDec competition and avidly flirted with all of them. Out of the four, one of them never got to the level of competition the other three and I did, so I haven't heard from him in a long time. One of the three just kind of stopped after awhile, as the other two avidly stole and kept my attention. My best friend has told me that one of the fanboys would really complement me well, making me wish I had asked for his number or at least stole his phone and called mine with it. Damn! I miss my fanboys! I guess I shall see them next November...
I guess it's a bit too late to talk about my ex...In fact, I've really stopped seeing him as an ex boyfriend. Well, as a female teenager and with the large amounts of moral dilemmas drifting about, I'm starting this blog to somehow quietly and anonymously detail my scandalous life. Let's start with the playbill, shall we?
The "Cakes"
One of my friends used a clever analogy comparing his girlfriend and fangirls to cakes. Building upon his analogy, I shared with him the difference between chocolate cakes and vanilla cakes. Chocolate cakes are the girls (in his case...my case, they are guys) who have little prospects emotionally and thus are for more physical relationships and propositions. Vanilla cakes are the people you could take home to Mom.
My Chocolate Cakes:
"Greed" - I met this character at a Comic Convention late January this year. I appeared dressed in fairly revealing clothing and hardcore flirted with any guy that had the attention span to flirt back, and thus, met Greed. On the final night of the convention, we got into heavy petting, so making out and stuffs, to a point where one of my friends is convinced I had sex with him. Apparently, however far we went was the furthest he'd ever gone, which is so very sad.
"Captain" - Though I would never actually go to him for chocolate, he's joked about booty-calling me. Originally a friend of a friend, he was in one of my classes last year and shared with me that out of me and two other female friends, I'd be one of the more interesting in bed (based on our personalities and his male intuition). He's currently dating a really good friend of mine and the relationship seems so fragile. I play only for the sake of playing with guys.
"Snake" - (I have no idea how that name fits him...) I dated this guy for six days before I decided that my then-not-ex was a better choice and just as interested in me as I was in him. From the middle of January, he's been expressing an interest in playing. Recently, I told him I was losing respect in him because he's too playful. He hinted at a relationship, saying that if he had the nerves and gut (yeah, he meant balls) to ask me out, he would.
"Fluffy" - This kid is so out of his league...I don't know why I started playing with him, but his attention made me want to keep him as a feel-good hit. I want nothing to do with him, and I'm starting to feel really bad that I've dragged him into my playing (as he's so innocent it's not even funny). I've convinced him that we don't want a relationship, so I'll just let it die.
Marble Cakes:
"Silver" - I think it's because I've kind of had a crush on him since I was a freshman, but I realize fully that this kid is trouble, yet I want to be able to see some good in him and believe that he is relationship material. We play constantly, but it's never gotten to really physical playing. Apparently, plans are in the making and he wants to get me drunk off my ass after I'm not jailbait anymore. (Edit 3/16/08: Codenamed Silver because that is the codename for each and every one of my love interests since 9th grade.)
"Damian" - This kid I'm just physically attracted to (he is fricken ripped!) and I feel I can teach him more than he could teach me (though I'm probably lying). He's in my physics and programming classes and his dad is a programmer, so I can yet mold him into the nerd I want, but neh. I'm lazy and I really don't want to.
Vanilla Cakes:
"James" - This kid I really have to be gentle with. He has trust and commitment issues, and the only thing that I can really do with this kid is enjoy a pure emotional relationship - if he'd let me. He's in both AcDec with me and Robotics, meaning I spend way too much time with this kid. He's entertaining, too much of a nerd not to keep me amused. I guess if I'm ever ready to settle for a mature relationship, if he's still there, I'd go for him.
"Tristan" - He was in my Creative Writing class last semester and is a sophomore. He's cute and slightly soft spoken. He has the prettiest cursive I've ever seen and definitely a nerd. I've had a friend dub herself my mother just to approve of him. If only I could get to talk to him a bit more...but then I might just scare him away...
"Lucien" - This is a kid that I've liked on and off since seventh grade...well the only reason I stopped crushing was because he was dating this really destructive girl and I didn't want to hurt myself watching him fall. They broke up and he was really hurt. I really wanted to step in and help, but being a really anti-social little girl at the time, I just sat back and watched as he drifted away. I spent freshman year with his brother entertaining everyone, and I finally convinced myself that I was jealous of him for his family closeness. If I actually had the chance, he'd be someone I'd really take care of.
"Napoleon" - This kid will apparently make me more cryptic and cruel than I am now. He's definitely not as interested in me as I am in him, seeing as he has the curse of liking girls in relationships...We jokingly planned to start a satellite project that will control parameters that will force him into world domination. I think I asked for an island or small country in his reign. I've joked about his future wife being meek and nothing but a pretty face allowed a certain budget to entertain herself with each month. He's a very intelligent peer and is definitely rounded enough to be a perfect Renaissance Man.
"Dante" - I guess I started liking this person after one of my friends did. She moved on because he was a jerk, but I found him more and more interesting. He was in the marching band, plays the piano...he was just fun. I'm not really going to die if I don't end up with him, but I feel like he's more of an emotional relationship than a physical one...he just doesn't matter as much to me.
My Gilbert Fanclub:
Most recently, my Gilbert Fanclub condensed to two guys, but it started with four guys who I met at an AcDec competition and avidly flirted with all of them. Out of the four, one of them never got to the level of competition the other three and I did, so I haven't heard from him in a long time. One of the three just kind of stopped after awhile, as the other two avidly stole and kept my attention. My best friend has told me that one of the fanboys would really complement me well, making me wish I had asked for his number or at least stole his phone and called mine with it. Damn! I miss my fanboys! I guess I shall see them next November...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
