Pretending Someone Else Can Come and Save Me From Myself

10:58 pm June 23, 2008

“’Cause you’re the angel in my hell.”

I had to steal it…it was too…fitting? No. Poetic maybe? Well, whatever it was, I just needed it. So I got back from Maryland/DC on Thursday the 19^th. I fell asleep shortly after getting home, taking time to greet family. By the way, I didn’t hug my brothers like I said I would…I definitely forgot until the day after. The first thing I did when I woke up, I got online. After that, I started writing…everything I did that I shouldn’t tell other people…secrets that are better unspoken. It was probably a bad idea to hard copy something like that, but I really wanted to look back in years and smile…I know I read over some of the stuff I had written in the journal last year and I laughed and it was just in general good for me to read through all of this stuff…to realize just how much I’ve grown or changed.

9:48 pm June 24, 2008

Really bad case of fantasizing…and wanting what I can’t have. I’m confused as to why I have to be like this. Why can’t I be a normal person and know when to move on? I guess as long as I keep telling myself that it will all work out in the end and all, I’ll have some fodder for keeping me amused and happy until it all falls apart or I forget all about it. I constantly try to justify things to myself that while it makes sense to me, I should think would never work. I don’t even know why this jumble of emotions and series of events happen to me…It’s just…I guess I never learned to move on. I can’t. Physically incapable. I still remember things about the small crushes I’ve had since the first grade. I found one of my crushes from the third grade online…I actually googled his name…

Speaking of Google, I tend to like to google my alias, see how much I’ve owned this identity. I’m silly, no?

12:24 June 28, 2008

The tiny things remind me of him. I realize I’m not over him, that the last time, I just kind of shoved all the feelings and such under a huge rug and pretended it wasn’t there. I’d catch myself watching him or trying to get closer, but I’d be in charge and I’d stop myself. This time, it’s gone too far. I’ve lost control. I’m actively trying, but it’s no use. I take any excuse to be able to talk to him…and even though it’s bad for me, I still do it. I still think about the past, I still remember every memory…I’m still here, living in the past and trying desperately to piece together a fantasy world that I shouldn’t be creating. I’m still trying. Why can’t I have an epiphany like I did all those other times that makes me realize that I can still be happy without all of this self-induced emotional abuse?

And, as I’m writing all of this, I still wonder if you’ll come back and read my blog. I still wonder if you’re tempted to read the old conversations we’ve had or if you’re tempted to read that journal. I wonder a lot, don’t I?

Rather short blog this time. A page in Word. That’s okay. Nothing really new. Just found out that I’m shameless on the internet. Eh.

-I've Never Been Perfect, I'd be Lying if I Said "But Neither Have You"
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title from: Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park

Waking Up to the Green of Your Eyes

May 22, 2008 10:37 am
It’s been an interesting week…In English, we wrote letters to the students next year, giving them advice and basically what we wished we knew before we started. Well, in my small hand writing, I wrote a full page and four lines of advice, reflection, and pondering about how everything this year has changed me. I wondered how the much I had changed, how many different groups and people I became attached to, how many people I hurt and broke. At the end of the “letter,” I realized so much about myself. I realized how I got through things (great friends and partners) and how I changed in how I saw people. I realized how much I grew up, how much responsibility I can handle, how much challenge I look for and how much I can take. I realized a lot this year, I’ve changed a lot this year, I’ve become so different. This morning, I realized how different I’ve become, I realized how many things led me to who I am today.

Last night was interesting. I discovered we had no butter in the house and thusly couldn’t bake or make dessert type things which then made my brothers disappointed. My parents left and got an after-dinner meal because they felt dinner (which my mom made) sucked. I had another surprising conversation with Cale, and truly couldn’t analyze why things are happening. It was all…thrown into perspective for me.

May 22, 2008 11:22 pm
I finished most of my physics Rube Goldberg project, so I’m going to let the electrical sit and be finished tomorrow.

May 23, 2008 4:55 pm
I started writing in James’ yearbook today. I got five lines down the page, realizing I never said anything about the relationship at all, and had to leave for class. I handed it off to senior friends he wanted to have sign, so I never got to finish.

June 19, 2008 12:42 pm
Because this seems so…insightful and important to figuring out who I am…I’m adding to it after all this time. I mean, here I am, sitting at an airport on my way back home. In this boredom, I’ve read through my old files and such. 11/4/07, I wrote an entry into a dreamlog thing that I start and forget all the time. I’m surprised that I don’t even remember anything about this dream at all. I mean…It’s like a faint and old thread that I can’t really touch in fear of it dissolving in my fingers.

I don’t remember all of it, nor do I remember what led up to this point, but I do remember being on top of what seemed like a hill. Green grass and gravel paved the hill, and for some random reason, we were dancing. It wasn’t any real form of dancing, nor was it one I’d ever danced, but for a brief moment, we danced. Everything stopped then, the music and all the people with us disappeared as I fell to the ground, laughing and enjoying these last moments of being a child. Either I sat up and you sat across from me, or I was now standing, you looked at me with almost surprise. “You should have told me.”

Shocked and confused, I stared back at you. I’m not sure what conversation passed between us, but I was yours again, and I couldn’t have been happier.

No matter how deep I try to dig, no matter how far I go back, I can’t remember the dream. I can’t remember the music, the dancing, the person I was so happy to be with…Sure, I could guess, but it would be nice to be able to remember.

We have an interesting friendship. Last night at the hotel, after coming back from the memorials and monuments in DC, Cale and I just sat around, chatting and laughing. I love moments like this: moments where I forget where I am, how much I’ve cried, how painful tomorrow will be, and how mean we’ve been to each other. These happy moments, I don’t pay attention to how much I’m telling people, how much I’m opening up to the world. These moments, he makes me laugh. He makes me comfortable…he’s one of the only people I can actually cry in front of, one of the only people that can make me drop my guard. I love those moments.

On the other hand, we have moments where I don’t know how to move on from that point. We have those frustrating moments where anything else would have been easier. In these moments, life seems to stand still. We’re in a world where nothing exists but this conflict that we need to get over. It takes awhile to get out of those moments.

(Random fact: More people have sex in the month of June than any other month)

I don’t know why I had to include that…just saw it somewhere and thought it was interesting…you know? Like, what about the month of June makes people have more sex? Is it because it’s a lazy-esque month where the temperature is really too warm to do much and so they just enjoy the company of someone else? Hmm…

So, on Tuesday, I got a call from a friend that was traveling with James that week. Said mutual friend asked if there was anything ill going on in our relationship. I cruelly cackled in my mind, knowing that I was going to end the relationship soon. “No,” I replied, nothing was really wrong, it had been that way since the beginning…They were concerned because when they had come to visit, I was in the bed with Cale. It was okay to tell him anything, because he was a friend and only trying to help. What was going on? I had been acting a little weird since I got here. And as I stuttered answers and dodged telling them the real story, our teacher knocked on the door. I opened it and she immediately launched into an instruction on what we needed to do and what needed to be done. I hung up without saying goodbye, leaving both of them to wonder what was going on with me and I haven’t heard from him since. The next afternoon, I was single.

So, I’ve decided that I’m going to stay single for a little bit. Probably until college or something far off in the distance…I don’t want to have to deal with someone while I have no idea what I’m doing with myself...when I’m so afraid of even thinking of saying “I love you.” Lilith/Vixen thing was really hard to control this trip…what with so many people that she could potentially have (well, far from home, who cares right?) and the fact that it was a trip down Memory Lane right after another with Cale constantly around.

It is now 1:54 pm Mountain Time and really, there isn’t much more I have to contribute. All in all, this was a great trip, one that I will enjoy over and over again. The sad thing is, what parts I did not enjoy, being single isn’t one of them…

-I know I’m a horrible person
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title From: Hold My Hand by New Found Glory

God Help Me...Wait...

I don't have a god...

So this is the third day and second night in Maryland/Washington DC. The first day, getting to the airport, getting to the hotel, getting to our rooms, I realized that I was having so much fun with these people, that no matter how hard James was going to try to spend time with me, I wouldn't enjoy it as much as the time I spend with my NHD group. Most of these people I barely know. They are people that I know of, have heard things about for all of my schooling around them, but...I had never actually spent real time with any of them outside of class. So, getting here and quickly bonding with the three of the NHD kids and spending even more time hanging out with the three and Cale, I wanted to keep this trip to NHD kids. So, furthering the impending doom of my current relationship, I basically ignored and nonchalantly dodged through every attempt James made of trying to spend time with me. Well, I could have handled that one a bit better, but I didn't care. Basically, out of our five, there were two girls and three boys. We had two rooms, split by gender. The first night, Cale and I left the other three in the boys' room to finish our website or face the dragon-wrath of our teacher and eventually, after I was so frustrated with the whole thing and Cale started getting drowsy, I made him lie down on the couch (pull out bed thing) in our room while I sat on the bed trying to work a little more. Finally, at 2 in the morning he was officially asleep so I pulled the blanket from the bed, spread it over him and went to bed. We woke up a little before 7 and prepared to head off to meet the rest of the entire group. We went to Capitol Hill, the Supreme Court, and the Museum of Indian Americans. After that, we had an impromptu trip to the National Air and Space Museum. It was fun, a lot of walking, and a whole ton of rain on the way back.

Definitely happy about the rain. I had brought an umbrella and ended up lending it away as I enjoyed my trek home through the rain. It was pretty...all the green soaked in tiny drops of water, the slightest movement would send millions of little drops of water crashing down to the floor - or my face, whichever was underneath.

The rain cleared up shortly after we got back to the hotel. The three went swimming until they came back and headed off for the NHD dance. As much fun it would have been to see what seemed like socially inept children "dance," Cale and I were lazy and helped one of the three burn DVDs and watched TV. By the end of the night, we all ended up in the boys' room, forcing one of the guys to retreat to the girls' room. Slept late, woke up lazy and didn't want to really get out of bed. The Sofa-bed thing was comfortable though.

Next morning (Tuesday), we all had our competition interviews. Cale and I were to go first, and after rushing out the door, getting lost, and having an interesting and amusing trip, we were a little late. We actually ran into one of the judges looking for us. It was pretty entertaining. The interview was alright: they were overly nice and knew quite a bit about our topic. Cool. We got back, watched tv and Angel, got food, watched more Angel, other three got back, watched more Angel, walked around a little, planned to go to the movies, didn't...came back and watched Game 6 of the NBA Finals (not much into sports...so if I botched that, eh). I've been inactive all day long and it feels really relaxing. We ordered pizza for dinner, I broke a plate, washed even more, and now, I'm doing this.

So, here comes the analysis: I've realized that I've dragged a dead relationship (tch. I avoid spending time with him...I choose Jeremy's company over his this summer!) on for too long, I've lost a conscience, learned some secrets, kept secrets, told lies, told the truth where I never expected it, tole more truth without batting an eye than I've ever managed with this person, and gained some more friends. I've had laughs, I've cried, I've beaten myself up, I've realized so many things, and I confused myself. I wouldn't trade what happened over this trip for anything...it's all of it that defined the trip and giving up a bit of it would ruin the reality and truth in it. I realize just how horrible I am, just how much I've wanted certain things, certain liberties, certain allowances. I've come to realize that it's more than being bored in this relationship, it's more than not being physically attracted to James, it's more than not wanting to ruin his innocence. I don't want to bother anymore. I can't get into a relationship just for fun...I know that these things aren't permanent...and I don't get so picky. I mean, if my next relationship would be the one I had to stick with for the rest of my life, I'd actually be picky...I'd actually analyze, follow, and get to know this person to the fullest extent. I wouldn't be playing for challenges...I'd be playing for real...but life isn't like that and no matter what, I will still be playing for challenges. I will still revolve my life around these games I love so much.

So, I realized that worry and uncontrollable fear feels like. It's not like nightmare fear...more an insecurity that you are helpless over. There's this creeping feeling that moves to the pit of my stomache, pulling and twisting to the point of discomfort. It's the worst feeling I've ever had, worse than the pain of anything I've ever had before - they were all physical. And the thing is...I think that's what I've done with my guilt. Instead of feeling guilty and such about things, I get this creeping discomfort, the manifestation of emotion that I've banished from my concious mind. You know...I've realized just how brutal, cold and heartless I could really be.

You know...I'm sort of writing this so that when I'm in college or out of college in the future, I can come back and look back on everything I've ever thought, everything I've ever done, and I want to be able to smile back and realize that he was right: I have grown as a person.

-I Need To Stop This Carousel Before It Throws Me
Scarlet Bloodmoon

P.S. I really like my password hint: "The sad thing is, I only do it to watch the soft fibers melt in the flames I later apply"

Chauvinistic

Sorry, definitely overdue and such, but that's how I've been lately. I'm writing this as I'm trying to stay up till I have to leave for the airport at 4 am. There hasn't been much to write about, to analyze, to laugh about. I mean, I could go on about things that I haven't told anyone, hoping that the anonymity of the internet will save me, but then what's that to my readers? I could talk about my exciting trips I have coming up, but then I feel like I'm bragging. I could talk about how much better I've been getting with...friendships, reigning over my demon, analyzing people, taking my pride to extremes where it's not my true sin anymore, or anything along those lines.

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Damn, I have the cutest little Jack Russell Terrier ever
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I live an ironic life...the people I ignore end up the most important to me over and over again. The people I've wanted have either become unappealing or a possibility that will never be likely. People that have at one time avoided me now confide in me, and the people that become the closest always end up annoying me. I guess it's just one of those things, though, you know?

We all have some pretty deep and twisted secrets, most of us have piles and piles, and others have one or two that they never realize are secrets. Wow...thinking back, I definitely have my share...and what the hell? Let's share some!

You know what's horrible? I really want to consider taking up every offer Silver has made to me. We should hang out this summer, gaming and such. We should get me as drunk as possible and strand me in the middle of Tempe once I turn 18. I should go bug him for a tour around the college he goes to, it's a beautiful place. The saddest thing: I really want to know how good he is...Maybe this is just hormones and the whole "being fertile and looking for sex" stage of this month, but I haven't been this hot-blooded since...I don't even know. And the coupe-de-grace on this ugly mess...well, there are two of them...he's dating someone and knowing that stings a little bit, and secondly...I have a boyfriend...who I won't let close enough to have sex with.

You know what? Thinking back, I really have to challenge Bella's judgment in things. I mean, she's in a relationship doomed to failure, but here she is criticizing the relationship potential in general of guys that she's never spent more than a week with. Or how she thinks that by getting into a relationship with Napoleon, I will become even more cynical and cruel, when really I'm not going to change very much. I love how she assured me that this relationship is the safest bet I have, and look where I am now...I'm bored and I think he's too easy to take down. I can't imagine ever moving past where we are now, and still, I joke just as easily about bondage and sex with him. This isn't good for me. I'm quite sure that if I were in any other relationship, this wouldn't be the main problem. What really started this whole rant though, is the fact that I told her about the lack of growth in this relationship and the first thing she asked was if I had any back-up plans in mind. Well, she wanted to know who my next potential victims were. I had one in mind, someone I could laugh with, someone who I rather enjoyed spending time with, chatting with, but really, knew that is would never work...Not to the best extreme. The first thing out of her mouth was negative. "He's not a good boyfriend. He's not worth the time. He's poison." No, she didn't really say that, but hey, she implied it. She wouldn't know! When was the last time she actually spent time to talk to him? When was the last time she actually spent time at all considering his character? Oh right. After he broke up with a person she really couldn't care less about, but still pretends to coddle. I gave up...I really started to lose my respect for her now. It's really hard to see why so many people could stand to pretend for so long...

I like having a lot to say about things....Well, for anyone interested, I have a new blog, one I plan on sugar-coating so that it is acceptable to people. This one is being hidden a little bit more, but only because I don't like having my shit hit the fan. Maybe, once all of these people are out of my life...(like I go to an out-of-state college, but neh) I won't hide anymore...

Blog = http://lilithrogue.blogspot.com

Final update (as I'm typing this June 15, 2008 2:21 am): I'm leaving for the airport in less than 2 hours. I've been up so far...maybe I will fall asleep on the plane...maybe I'll just pull an all-nighter thing and be up for...36 hours when I get there...or something. Beats jet lag!

-Is There Something Wrong With the Way I Treat People?
Scarlet Bloodmoon