Waking Up to the Green of Your Eyes

May 22, 2008 10:37 am
It’s been an interesting week…In English, we wrote letters to the students next year, giving them advice and basically what we wished we knew before we started. Well, in my small hand writing, I wrote a full page and four lines of advice, reflection, and pondering about how everything this year has changed me. I wondered how the much I had changed, how many different groups and people I became attached to, how many people I hurt and broke. At the end of the “letter,” I realized so much about myself. I realized how I got through things (great friends and partners) and how I changed in how I saw people. I realized how much I grew up, how much responsibility I can handle, how much challenge I look for and how much I can take. I realized a lot this year, I’ve changed a lot this year, I’ve become so different. This morning, I realized how different I’ve become, I realized how many things led me to who I am today.

Last night was interesting. I discovered we had no butter in the house and thusly couldn’t bake or make dessert type things which then made my brothers disappointed. My parents left and got an after-dinner meal because they felt dinner (which my mom made) sucked. I had another surprising conversation with Cale, and truly couldn’t analyze why things are happening. It was all…thrown into perspective for me.

May 22, 2008 11:22 pm
I finished most of my physics Rube Goldberg project, so I’m going to let the electrical sit and be finished tomorrow.

May 23, 2008 4:55 pm
I started writing in James’ yearbook today. I got five lines down the page, realizing I never said anything about the relationship at all, and had to leave for class. I handed it off to senior friends he wanted to have sign, so I never got to finish.

June 19, 2008 12:42 pm
Because this seems so…insightful and important to figuring out who I am…I’m adding to it after all this time. I mean, here I am, sitting at an airport on my way back home. In this boredom, I’ve read through my old files and such. 11/4/07, I wrote an entry into a dreamlog thing that I start and forget all the time. I’m surprised that I don’t even remember anything about this dream at all. I mean…It’s like a faint and old thread that I can’t really touch in fear of it dissolving in my fingers.

I don’t remember all of it, nor do I remember what led up to this point, but I do remember being on top of what seemed like a hill. Green grass and gravel paved the hill, and for some random reason, we were dancing. It wasn’t any real form of dancing, nor was it one I’d ever danced, but for a brief moment, we danced. Everything stopped then, the music and all the people with us disappeared as I fell to the ground, laughing and enjoying these last moments of being a child. Either I sat up and you sat across from me, or I was now standing, you looked at me with almost surprise. “You should have told me.”

Shocked and confused, I stared back at you. I’m not sure what conversation passed between us, but I was yours again, and I couldn’t have been happier.

No matter how deep I try to dig, no matter how far I go back, I can’t remember the dream. I can’t remember the music, the dancing, the person I was so happy to be with…Sure, I could guess, but it would be nice to be able to remember.

We have an interesting friendship. Last night at the hotel, after coming back from the memorials and monuments in DC, Cale and I just sat around, chatting and laughing. I love moments like this: moments where I forget where I am, how much I’ve cried, how painful tomorrow will be, and how mean we’ve been to each other. These happy moments, I don’t pay attention to how much I’m telling people, how much I’m opening up to the world. These moments, he makes me laugh. He makes me comfortable…he’s one of the only people I can actually cry in front of, one of the only people that can make me drop my guard. I love those moments.

On the other hand, we have moments where I don’t know how to move on from that point. We have those frustrating moments where anything else would have been easier. In these moments, life seems to stand still. We’re in a world where nothing exists but this conflict that we need to get over. It takes awhile to get out of those moments.

(Random fact: More people have sex in the month of June than any other month)

I don’t know why I had to include that…just saw it somewhere and thought it was interesting…you know? Like, what about the month of June makes people have more sex? Is it because it’s a lazy-esque month where the temperature is really too warm to do much and so they just enjoy the company of someone else? Hmm…

So, on Tuesday, I got a call from a friend that was traveling with James that week. Said mutual friend asked if there was anything ill going on in our relationship. I cruelly cackled in my mind, knowing that I was going to end the relationship soon. “No,” I replied, nothing was really wrong, it had been that way since the beginning…They were concerned because when they had come to visit, I was in the bed with Cale. It was okay to tell him anything, because he was a friend and only trying to help. What was going on? I had been acting a little weird since I got here. And as I stuttered answers and dodged telling them the real story, our teacher knocked on the door. I opened it and she immediately launched into an instruction on what we needed to do and what needed to be done. I hung up without saying goodbye, leaving both of them to wonder what was going on with me and I haven’t heard from him since. The next afternoon, I was single.

So, I’ve decided that I’m going to stay single for a little bit. Probably until college or something far off in the distance…I don’t want to have to deal with someone while I have no idea what I’m doing with myself...when I’m so afraid of even thinking of saying “I love you.” Lilith/Vixen thing was really hard to control this trip…what with so many people that she could potentially have (well, far from home, who cares right?) and the fact that it was a trip down Memory Lane right after another with Cale constantly around.

It is now 1:54 pm Mountain Time and really, there isn’t much more I have to contribute. All in all, this was a great trip, one that I will enjoy over and over again. The sad thing is, what parts I did not enjoy, being single isn’t one of them…

-I know I’m a horrible person
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title From: Hold My Hand by New Found Glory