God Help Me...Wait...

I don't have a god...

So this is the third day and second night in Maryland/Washington DC. The first day, getting to the airport, getting to the hotel, getting to our rooms, I realized that I was having so much fun with these people, that no matter how hard James was going to try to spend time with me, I wouldn't enjoy it as much as the time I spend with my NHD group. Most of these people I barely know. They are people that I know of, have heard things about for all of my schooling around them, but...I had never actually spent real time with any of them outside of class. So, getting here and quickly bonding with the three of the NHD kids and spending even more time hanging out with the three and Cale, I wanted to keep this trip to NHD kids. So, furthering the impending doom of my current relationship, I basically ignored and nonchalantly dodged through every attempt James made of trying to spend time with me. Well, I could have handled that one a bit better, but I didn't care. Basically, out of our five, there were two girls and three boys. We had two rooms, split by gender. The first night, Cale and I left the other three in the boys' room to finish our website or face the dragon-wrath of our teacher and eventually, after I was so frustrated with the whole thing and Cale started getting drowsy, I made him lie down on the couch (pull out bed thing) in our room while I sat on the bed trying to work a little more. Finally, at 2 in the morning he was officially asleep so I pulled the blanket from the bed, spread it over him and went to bed. We woke up a little before 7 and prepared to head off to meet the rest of the entire group. We went to Capitol Hill, the Supreme Court, and the Museum of Indian Americans. After that, we had an impromptu trip to the National Air and Space Museum. It was fun, a lot of walking, and a whole ton of rain on the way back.

Definitely happy about the rain. I had brought an umbrella and ended up lending it away as I enjoyed my trek home through the rain. It was pretty...all the green soaked in tiny drops of water, the slightest movement would send millions of little drops of water crashing down to the floor - or my face, whichever was underneath.

The rain cleared up shortly after we got back to the hotel. The three went swimming until they came back and headed off for the NHD dance. As much fun it would have been to see what seemed like socially inept children "dance," Cale and I were lazy and helped one of the three burn DVDs and watched TV. By the end of the night, we all ended up in the boys' room, forcing one of the guys to retreat to the girls' room. Slept late, woke up lazy and didn't want to really get out of bed. The Sofa-bed thing was comfortable though.

Next morning (Tuesday), we all had our competition interviews. Cale and I were to go first, and after rushing out the door, getting lost, and having an interesting and amusing trip, we were a little late. We actually ran into one of the judges looking for us. It was pretty entertaining. The interview was alright: they were overly nice and knew quite a bit about our topic. Cool. We got back, watched tv and Angel, got food, watched more Angel, other three got back, watched more Angel, walked around a little, planned to go to the movies, didn't...came back and watched Game 6 of the NBA Finals (not much into sports...so if I botched that, eh). I've been inactive all day long and it feels really relaxing. We ordered pizza for dinner, I broke a plate, washed even more, and now, I'm doing this.

So, here comes the analysis: I've realized that I've dragged a dead relationship (tch. I avoid spending time with him...I choose Jeremy's company over his this summer!) on for too long, I've lost a conscience, learned some secrets, kept secrets, told lies, told the truth where I never expected it, tole more truth without batting an eye than I've ever managed with this person, and gained some more friends. I've had laughs, I've cried, I've beaten myself up, I've realized so many things, and I confused myself. I wouldn't trade what happened over this trip for anything...it's all of it that defined the trip and giving up a bit of it would ruin the reality and truth in it. I realize just how horrible I am, just how much I've wanted certain things, certain liberties, certain allowances. I've come to realize that it's more than being bored in this relationship, it's more than not being physically attracted to James, it's more than not wanting to ruin his innocence. I don't want to bother anymore. I can't get into a relationship just for fun...I know that these things aren't permanent...and I don't get so picky. I mean, if my next relationship would be the one I had to stick with for the rest of my life, I'd actually be picky...I'd actually analyze, follow, and get to know this person to the fullest extent. I wouldn't be playing for challenges...I'd be playing for real...but life isn't like that and no matter what, I will still be playing for challenges. I will still revolve my life around these games I love so much.

So, I realized that worry and uncontrollable fear feels like. It's not like nightmare fear...more an insecurity that you are helpless over. There's this creeping feeling that moves to the pit of my stomache, pulling and twisting to the point of discomfort. It's the worst feeling I've ever had, worse than the pain of anything I've ever had before - they were all physical. And the thing is...I think that's what I've done with my guilt. Instead of feeling guilty and such about things, I get this creeping discomfort, the manifestation of emotion that I've banished from my concious mind. You know...I've realized just how brutal, cold and heartless I could really be.

You know...I'm sort of writing this so that when I'm in college or out of college in the future, I can come back and look back on everything I've ever thought, everything I've ever done, and I want to be able to smile back and realize that he was right: I have grown as a person.

-I Need To Stop This Carousel Before It Throws Me
Scarlet Bloodmoon

P.S. I really like my password hint: "The sad thing is, I only do it to watch the soft fibers melt in the flames I later apply"