Save Me So I Can Save Myself

TV ranting: something I hardly ever do. So, I just finished season 2 of Torchwood, and while it is a very interesting bit of sci-fi goodness, I was fairly disappointed in their choice to kill off my two favorite characters. Why did they have to kill the cynic twice and the brilliant smart Asian chick?

But all of today, I’ve been excessively moody and needy. I don’t know why it started, but at dinner, I got extremely annoyed at Andrei and then totally annoyed at my dad to the point where I didn’t really talk at all and then spoke through my teeth whenever my dad expected me to respond. And then after dinner, for the next two hours, I seethed with lack of attention and desperately needed human contact outside of my family. I’ve probably cried four times in the last three hours and it’s sad. I’m crying over nothing at all really. It just won’t stop. It’s like there’s an empty little spot in me and by probing at it (which I guess I always probe at the spots that hurt the most and see if that will push me over the edge) only makes it hurt so much to the point where I need to be held and I need to be with someone.

Damn it. I’m going to wake up alone tomorrow. And after waking up alone, I’m going hit the snooze button on my alarms and pretend I’m sleeping for another ten minutes. I will finally get out of bed, get dressed, get ready, stall a bit and then leave. It’ll be the same time and time again. Nothing will change. I don’t want to wake up alone anymore. I want someone with me. I don’t know, maybe I’ve grown dependent on having someone with me. Maybe I’m getting totally used to having something to hold onto that now, when I have nothing, I don’t want to handle it.

I’m sick and tired of people using me to get an opinion or an answer. I’m done with being the only one who knows how to do things in my house. For once, I want someone to call me because they wanted to chat about something or because they haven’t talked to me in forever. I want someone to call me out of the blue just to say hi. Through all of my life, I’ve always been the person who will listen to any story because someone needed to talk. I’ve never been able to assert myself in one-on-one conversations enough to have someone listen to me. If given the chance, I couldn’t spend forever talking about myself or what I believe in. I’m not good at vocalizing my opinions or ideals and eventually, I’ll just shut down even more. No. All I want is someone to fall asleep with.

-Maybe this is just the stress
Scarlet Bloodmoon

21

So, today was the HISEF award ceremony. That was exciting. Um...and then I went home, sat around a bit, and then got ready for MORP, which is a Sadie's Hawkins dance. It was silly: people we never expect to see together and the same people (who are so straight-edge) grinding it up. Other than that, there really was nothing else about my day...pondered for a bit on how thc would affect semen. That was about it.

-Deliciously Simple
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Mother, May I?

Today was rather off...It started out like a normal day I guess...but in English, we decided to have a party, and so we did. It was exciting (not really), we had food, and it was just a very fun and relaxing day. World History was alright. Nothing super fun, nothing totally boring. I had only seen James as I was walking from Physics to English and later when he was at work, and very much later when he came and visited me afterward.

I think we've gotten to a point where we are constantly denied any real intimacy in our relationship. Sure, there are places and times where we can be physically intimate, but there never really is a time where I can enjoy just being alone and so close to him without something looming ahead or needing to be done. I miss falling asleep with him. I miss being able to do absolutely nothing for long periods of time without the need to rush off elsewhere. I miss sneaking into his bed to just be there with him, and just to know that for a few hours, I can just listen to his heart beating and feel his arms wrapped around me. It's now at the point where we've been denied this over and over again to the point where it's the only thing we want. It takes us longer to leave each other. We'll spend fifteen minutes, if we have them, to say goodbye not because there's the potential for sex or because it'll score us points, but I'm hesitant to leave because it feels so wonderful to be held. I miss him as much as I do because he's being pulled away from me through obligations. We always want what we can't have, right?

I guess that leads me to a new tangent. Abstinence education does not work. Sure, it's the 100% guarantee way to keep free of pregnancies and STDs, but what about the kids who have no "moral" upbringing and are now cheated from Safe Sex Education because bigots in the government and bureaucracy think the two are the same thing. I'm thankful for television and the internet, for without the two, I'm sure to have destroyed my natural balance of hormones or be a teenage mother. Also, it plays against the idea of temptation, human nature and children always wanting what they cannot have. I don't get why the abstinence people have to play to the idea that after sex, the relationship will become dead. Does that mean that if you ended up marrying the person because they were "so understanding and perfect" but were only looking for sex that the person would have changed because you put a ring on it? Are they implying that by settling down, sex will now be the last thing on their mind? This also teaches to guys that the only ticket to sex is marriage, thus inflating the divorce rate. I am worth it. I'm worth more than the deception of horny males who will never grow up to realize that sex and marriage should not go together exclusively. I am worth more than "saving myself" for "the perfect moment/guy," because my perfect moment technically has never occurred, but I'm happy. I am worth more than the lies they are feeding you: I still value the small gestures of physical intimacy -- and I probably value it more than those pure little goody goodies who waited, I love him for who he is, sex is still special to me, and I'm happier than most people ever will be. Sex did not ruin my perception of love.

I absolutely hated being accused of being some succubus figure who is so morally loose that I view sex as a means of destroying the purity of others. I absolutely hated being told that I will never know that love is because I'm having sex before marriage. I absolutely hated that someone who basically was a stranger told me that they pitied me for what they misread as my mistakes. Right. I pity you for driving your family apart. I pity that you don't realize what love is. I pity that you destroyed the purity of your own child through your insistence that your way of life was the absolute truth. I pity your unhappiness. I pity your lack of lack of religion. I pity your pitiful way of life.

I love being who I am. I love being my achievements and mistakes. I love my history, my culture, and the person I came out to be. I might not love everything around me, but I love the way I turned out. I love that I have the most amazing people to turn to and that I can rely on and trust so many people. I love my life.

-Moreover, I Love You
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title Pending?

Hm...I totally want to bake brownies...perhaps I will wake up an hour earlier to bake something. Haha. Right.

Anyways, I finished downloading the first season of Torchwood, which I guess I started watching because James kept on commenting on it. They're pretty fun. Whole lot of snogging and it's kind of "cliche" how the main male only really opens up to the main female, but whatever. Umm, so far, it's fun. I like how they've deviated away from the sci-fi for all of those out there that don't nerd-gasm from the mention of time travel or the idea of paradoxes and complexities while still holding true to the universe. Very classy and very British. (David Tennant needs to cameo on Torchwood. That would be exciting.)

Hmm...Oh, so today in stats, a little group of us chatted about where the people in the Spring play cast would rank in sexual promiscuity and where the girls and guys in the class would place. I placed second on the girls rank, one-upped by a girl all four of us agreed was a huge whore. I'm fine with having sexual experience (and quite a bit of it, I guess) yet being considered "not a whore." In fact, that's pretty much an accomplishment for me. Yay for not being a whore but still knowing how to enjoy physical pleasures.

So, that's pretty much the highlight of my day...Got peppermint ice cream...that was pretty exciting. Au revoir!

-Since 1990
Scarlet Bloodmoon

I'm Beginning to Like Routine.

I guess, in some weird twisted way, I win...but it's not really about that anymore. Maybe this is how I can get everything out while it's still small and cute instead of when the stress or whatever has been bottled up to a point where it's poison.

Well, I have Super Glue epoxy all over my hands, keyboard, and sheets. Bleh. Gross! Um...Finished my Governement report thing easily. I loved doing it. Anyways: homework was easy tonight, and of that I'm glad.

I didn't really get to see James today. He took the day off from school and so after school at like 4:10 ish, he came by my house and we chattered about what he missed in school today. Oh, and then later on, he proved to me that I really don't have people I hang out with or that I would call great friends. I mean, I used to have friends, and then I decided that I didn't like bits and pieces of them, so slowly, as I started changing, the way I see people and my tolerances were changing too. So, all of my previous friends were abandonned because I was no longer into anime, people became lost to be because they weren't interesting anymore or because it was just about the right time for something to die and for something new to take it's place. Well, whatever. I still have people I can turn to, and if not, I always have myself and all of my blogs.

I might actually call it an early night tonight, and of that I'm surprised. I finished everything before 10 and I actually did everything?!? What's this? Anyways: life has been fun.

Oh! So I come home today and my mom and Andrei are basically arguing over his allowance. Andrei says my mom owes him three dollars and she doesn't understand where he is coming up with everything. After listening to Andrei explain his side for maybe three minutes (and it took my mom forever, to the point where Andrei was crying) I was able to explain exactly what Andrei had wanted and where he was coming from. Wow. I win.

Um...that's basically it...Robot shipped today. Not that exciting. Whatever.

-Apparently, I like playing with sticky liquids...
Scarlet Bloodmoon

6 Month Milestone.

Today marks half of a year from that day under the stars. Six months since the last time I had touched cannabis. I don't remember where the day started.

Part of me wants to say we went to Barnes and Noble because we did that often, but another part of me says that isn't true. I do remember going to the movie theatre originally planning on seeing Wall-E. I mean, it's a cute robot movie! We got there in time to catch a movie before Wall-E so we decided to see Step Brothers. All in all, it was an okay movie. I don't think I was paying as much attention to the movie as I was to James.

During one of the many sappy and lovey-dovey parts of Wall-E, I remember turning to James and saying "I think I love you." I had been back in Arizona for 19 days and already, I felt like he was my other half. All throughout my stay in Holland, we chatted and through all the chatting, we got closer than we probably had ever been. Upon return to Arizona, he was really the only person I spent time with.

After movies, we went to a deserted field at sat in his truck. He finished the last of the stuff I had from Amsterdam and I think we threw in some stuff he had left. After that, we went to the bed of the truck and sat. The wind was blowing, it looked like rain was coming in.

I ended up on the roof of the cab, settled between his legs. He was standing against the cab, and it was there that we decided to retry the relationship.

Six months later, I'm sure he is the only person I ever want to spend the rest of my life with. I've been through so much with him: We've been stuck in Vegas, had his parents catch us, had an interesting pregnancy scare, planned out a home, plotted to freak out his parents to uber extremes, and I've spent perhaps 48 consecutive hours away from home with him. He's made me realize so many things and helped me become a better person.

-To a Lifetime with You
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Manditory Update # 75

So I spent today babysitting Andrei. For the most part, he is the easiest little kid to watch. So, we went to the movies and he wanted to see Coraline and Hotel for Dogs. Okay. Coraline was super fun and dark enough to keep me amused. Hotel for Dogs was sappy enough to make me cry. Yeah.

Oh, saw a preview for Dragonball Evolution. I almost walked out of the theatre. How could they do that to anime? Seriously? What is up with Corporate America Americanizing old anime?

Um...Nothing really new. I have to write a letter for my mom and fit in homework. Bleh. Um...Nothing else that's horribly shocking...Well, I have Let it Rock stuck in my head...

-Down and Out
Scarlet Bloodmoon

You're Perfect in Every Way

So, this morning, I woke up at 8:40 to the wonderful sound of metal scraping against concrete and the beeping of large machinery moving backwards. Grr. Again, my dad woke me up earlier than I wanted to be up. So I sat around for a bit, read a bit, ate a bit, and finally, at noon, went out to Joe's Farm Grill with James for lunch. Split a burger and sweet potato fries (which I still like the ones I got the first night we were in Flagstaff better, but these were good too) and watched people. Later, we went to the Coffee Shop right next to the Grill and had a thing of hot chocolate. It was probably the best chocolate I will have in quite a while. In fact, I can't wait for the one that will beat this one.

We drove around for a bit. Seriously. We drove to Florence and then headed back. We finished at like 4:00.

So then, at 6:00, we went out to run some errands and to go to the SanTan Mall. It was cold, but we wandered around, talked to a friend, chatted with the lady behind the cologne counter, and stole fragrance from Sephora (which I swear is the only store in that complex with Acqua di Gio for Women). We wandered some more, walked to places, hit up lingerie sections of stores and Victoria's Secret, and eventually went for some bread at Paradise Bakery. Got pulled over by a cop for having the taillight out, drove home, and spent like an hour just with him.

So far, it's been an exciting weekend. I can't wait for Monday.

-On A Valentine's Day
Scarlet Bloodmoon

MY Holiday

So I didn't post last night because shortly after completely homework, I fell asleep. Yes. It was epic, I got a lot of sleep and all was good and fine. The thing was, I forgot to set my alarm apparently, so when I woke up at like 5:40, it was a bit surprising and weird.

Um, the day was easy. Not too much work, not too much effort. Um...Went home, picked up Andrei, sat around for a bit, and then finally at like 5, went off with James and Momo to the Changing Hands Bookstore to meet Jimmy Carter. Well, not quite. It was more like wait in line for EVER and then walk past him as he is signing books. As you observe him signing your book, you realize that you're not even going to see him sign the one you are going to receive. It was fairly disappointing.

Umm, had Arabic food, went to a party for a little bit, found the most unlikely people there ever, and um...oh yeah, what felt like a simultaneous finish. Haha, so I got lucky on Friday the 13th. I beat bad luck!

-I don't know, tired
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Wow, This Went Nowhere Fast

So I've found out that I heal fairly quickly. That's pretty awesome for me, but the smallest things bother me. For the past...I don't know, week and a half, the cold has cracked the skin on my elbow and moving that through cloth is so annoying and bleh. And I've seriously soaked my elbows in lotion and I swear, if I can't find the Vaseline soon, I'm going to like explode in a fit of annoyed rage.

Which, I guess that reminds me of when Andrei was a tiny baby, he had really bad skin and his feet and scalp were constantly scabby and dry. We'd rub a heck lot of lotion and Vaseline onto his feet and use shampoo that was supposed to help. Maybe the rest of us didn't get that because we weren't born here and we probably weren't super premature like he was. Oh yeah, and we didn't try to strangle ourselves with the umbilical cord before we were officially people.

I have the silliest birth stories about my brothers...well, I know of anecdotes about their birth. Jeremy was born shortly after my dad left the hospital to take me to McDonald's. The doctors were also pretty much on lunch break. No one expected him that early. Daniel wasn't born head-first, but instead as if he were sitting, and Andrei, well that was the paragraph before this. I don't think I was actually there for any of the births...hm.

Aww, damn it. Now I'm thinking about babies. Haha, there will be a potential 25% chance my grandchildren will have dark hair and blue eyes. That's silly.

-Well, since I guess this thing is all about babies
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Four-Posters.

Short and half-assed post today. I wanna get to bed as soon as humanly possible because I want sleep. So far, I've been headache-y and I cough every once in awhile, but I don't feel sick otherwise. I can still function. If I wasn't such a great kid (haha) I'd just sleep in all day. That sounds amazing.

Speaking of things that sound amazing: I want to fall asleep with him so badly...To be able to curl with him, to feel his body pressed against mine, to know that no matter what, I'll wake up the next morning to the only person who could get away with rifling through all of my stuff and the only person in the world to make me as happy as he makes me. For once, I don't want to wake up alone.

-I Remember
Scarlet Bloodmoon

#70

Woo, 70th post today, and next month marks one year of my little blog's existence. Pretty exciting! While I don't have a whole ton of readers, or strangers who encourage me to get out of rough spots in my life, I have learned a lot about myself through my blog, and I have come to hate that whiny little girl I was eleven months ago. I resent some of the things I said, some of the things I did, and some of the things I thought, but that's not going to change the past. In fact, maybe if the past had changed, I wouldn't be here now, talking about half the things I do, and maybe, I would still have never had pistachio ice cream.

I used to love running around in the rain. It didn't used to matter how cold it was outside, I'd still come back inside sopping wet and cold. Now, I'd rather curl under blankets and find warmth. Somewhere along the line, I wanted to stay warm. I don't know...conditioning I guess.

Tch. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I want to stay at home all day and sleep and read. I want to spend an entire day not having to worry about stuff. I'm so done with having to care so much about everything. I want a soma holiday...That'd be fun.

-Another Useless Milestone
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Bleh.

Nothing too exciting today. Moreover, the whole entire part of it was laying in bed wearing just James' button-down shirt and perusing the internet. Umm...got talked at by my dad about how I'm wasting potential and limiting my friends and thus, I will not enjoy my adult life because my teen years will just be blank. Yup. Then, like an hour ago, I was typing up fluff for my mom's report she has to do for psychology and stuff. Totally unepic day, I guess...

-Almost Not Worth a Title
Scarlet Bloodmoon

End of a Dry Spell

So today was fun. Woke up, ate a bit, my dad yelled at me about how I'm misusing the word "fair" and that I don't deserve to use it. He goes on about the words that he hates. One of which was "Mr. Bush" because of his blatant blindness caused by God and religion and how stem cell research has been hindered eight years and we've all lost eight years of our lives because of him. While that is totally extreme and horribly stupid, it's kind of true. We've lost eight years of research and development, but stem cells will get us to the point where we can extend our lives tenfold, and really, I haven't lost eight years, my increase of life has been delayed four years. Whatever. So I listen to his rant, do whatever it was he wanted me to do, go upstairs for a bit, visit James, had ice cream and took a very short nap, and then went to work on the robot at this guy's house. Went to dinner, came home and I've been doing nothing ever since. I guess, really, my day hasn't been great, and it doesn't really sound all that fun, but the hour I spent with James was totally worth it. That made my day. It had been so long since we've had a day like this one.

Then, he came and visited me, I had pistachio ice cream for the first time, we sat and just talked and had a huge tickle attack, and I got to lay against him and break away from the world for more than an hour. It's been forever since we've had a day like this.

-In Hopes of Another
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Eh, Short One.

Bleh, so today, I got home, went to visit James at work, distracted him for 30 minutes, went home, internet, dinner, hung out with James and Momo. Seriously. That's been my day.

The most amazing part was being able to lay with him, play with him, love him, and be with him. It makes me wish we had all the time in the world together, or that no one else existed besides us. There is really nothing I wouldn't give to be able to spend a night together with him. I miss him...

-Off to Dream World, I Guess
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Musings of the Chronically Sleep-Deprived

I've been so helplessly tired these past few days. It's gotten to the point where I'm almost falling asleep while driving in the afternoon right after school. I just want to fall asleep with him and curl in his arms. I want to spend hours alone with him. I miss the way things were. I want to spend forever with him.

I want to be on the roof, to be outside. I want to be in some super grassy area, lying on my back and staring up at the stars. I want to be away from this place. I want to be comfortably warm and safe. I want to be held and caressed. It's to a point where I'd be beyond elated to be able to take a nap with him.

I'm pretty much done dealing with all of this stuff. I can't wait for the day where I can leave all of this behind and not look back. I'm going to be so glad to just move on to bigger and better things while there are people (and people I know) who will dwell in their little world and will never step out of it. Well, I have a month more before I can sleep in every night. Wouldn't that be amazing?

-Make It All Better
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Just Done.

Ugh. This week hasn't been great. I've been constantly tired, Jeremy uses me to his own benefit and then runs off to do other stuff, I've been totally out of it and I'm so ready for the weekend and a chance to sleep. I've been falling asleep at 11 like clockwork and apparently, it's not enough. After coming home today, I was super convinced that is was only Tuesday. Yeah.

Nothing exciting...got my car booted today...I'm so done with school, I don't even know. It's times like these where all I want to do is curl in his arms and just forget that the rest of the world exist. It's so hard to spread myself so damn thin. I'm so ready to get a chance to rest.

-Whatever, I'm done
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Unless You're Watching, Why Does It Matter Who Guys are Fucking?

So this morning in Government, the teacher asks what were some qualities we like to see in our Presidents. Someone said a general sense of morality. I totally agree. They should be moral and fair. I added that presidents should separate religion-specific morals so that they won't pass policies and bills or grant priorities to issues that don't represent the groups that are openly shunned by churches. Oh, and really, it's mostly just the Christian religions who are intolerant of homosexuality. What the fuck guys? Seriously? Everyone else is okay with it. I have gay friends who are great people and will one day be your future.

So the teacher is surprised that I could firstly word the point like I did and asked what I had meant. I used the issue of homosexuality: I don't want a president to base his decisions on the opinions of a church he or she belongs to that openly shuns homosexuality. It's not fair and why the hell is that allowed at all? But! So this kid argues that my point is invalid because it could go both ways. He says that a homosexual president could pass bills and policies that are homosexually centric. First off, are you insinuating that America will actually get open-minded enough to vote for a flaming homosexual? Second off, are you insinuating that homosexuality is a fucking religion? Um, I know it's 6 in the morning, but do know that your points are so wrong and spoon-fed that I want to rip out your throat every time you disagree with me. At least I don't get my opinions intravenously dripped through my system and mind. At least I know why I believe in the things I do outside of because my religion (what religion?) and parents and friends think the same way. I like debate. I like knowing who to listen to and who to debate against. I know who to preemptively agree to disagree with without them knowing and just nod and see that they have valid points.

I didn't argue back with him because that wasn't the aim for the morning. We still had another lesson, and quite frankly, I couldn't be bothered. Whatever. Enjoy your spoon-fed lies and I hope they keep you warm at night.

Another issue I totally hate is the fact that in November, the Mormon churches were all getting riled up about Prop 102 because they didn't want to have gays come and demand they get married in their church. Why would people have the happiest moment of their lives within an institution that openly hates them? So just because a gay guy might ask to be married in your church, you have to ruin it for everyone? How impossibly arrogant and selfish. So what if I asked to be married in a Mormon church, married a body of testosterone, but during and after the ceremony, openly have make-out sessions with females? And then declare that my religion defines the only valid coupling as between a male and female and by kissing all these girls, it really never happened at all! What the fuck is that all about? Isn't it enough that heterosexuality has the majority and that there will never be a majority for a homosexual no matter what? Isn't it enough that they won't even bother you? Do you seriously have to go all Dystopic society on us and assimilate everyone into your gray and cookie-cutter mold?

I have never met a homosexual that I have not immediately began to befriend and trust. They are the sweetest people in the world and half the time, can pull professional so well that no one will realize their true sexual orientation. Homophobic people of America: Stop worrying that your children's teachers are going to be homosexuals who will brain-wash your children and turn them gay. Homosexuality is a trait acquired at birth; it is not a disease and it is not a choice. Gay guys are the cutest people in the world and they are the people who know how to listen and compliment. They are the people any girl could easily live with without having to worry about being self-concious or horrible about themselves. They seriously make the best friends.

Bisexuality is something that I tend to go back and forth on. Girls are pretty and beautiful and amazing, no matter what gender is acknowledging this. I can say I find girls attractive because I know what healthy looks like and how I like girls to be. Plus, confidence is sexy, but not arrogance. Girls know where the line is, they never cross it. I, at times, will check out girls and wonder how they would be in bed. I'm serious. But I have a boyfriend, I know that I'm totally straight, and I know that given the choice, I would choose a body of testosterone who can and will give me the attention and fun I crave. Maybe it's a curious-type thing where I just totally want to know if there are other girls who have the same spots and triggers I do. Maybe I just want a soft, curvy body to play with before I return to the vastly different male one I have. I am mostly under the impression that bisexuality does not exist and is mostly just girls and guys desperate for attention that they'd do pretty much anything. I guess I'm just weird because from the young age of like 9, I've always wondered if I were absolutely physically different from every other girl.

-Don't Die Yet, K? I Don't Know What I'd Do Without You.
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Annihilation

The month of January has been alright. It started in the freezing cold of Flagstaff's city center, counting down to the new year and feeling the excitement of all these strangers around me. Something made me horribly sad. Maybe it was the fact that I had someone about three hours away that I couldn't see or talk to. Maybe it was because I couldn't have the way I wanted to start my new year.

Kick off was interesting. Met a lot of new people so far, building a robot, all that stuff. Really, that's been the premise of the month.

Umm, I am addicted to washing clothing. Maybe it's because the detergent smells fucking amazing and no matter how much I try, nothing ever comes out of the wash smelling like it, but yeah. There's nothing really to post about for the entire month if I update everyday, huh?

Oh, so a kid died yesterday. They announced it at school because he went to our school. I saw two girls cry about it. Okay. That night, a teacher sends an email saying that we should all go out of our ways to include people who normally aren't included and stuff like that. Does that not scream "suicide?" Which is horrible, because English Teacher's boyfriend's swim-teammate's dad committed suicide over the weekend. Ouch! It can be An Hero tiem nao?

Haha, so talking about death while the past month had a password of annihilation. Silly.

-The Bitter Taste that Stains My Mouth at Every Word You Say
Scarlet Bloodmoon

The Things We Ponder

Today was spent as a day to finish all of my homework and to catch up on sleep that I've missed through the week. I woke up, had a brunch of sorts, did some homework, mostly chatted with James while he was in church, and then went to Walmart with him to pick up Superbowl Party supplies. 45 minutes later, I was at home and started to finish the homework. Dinner, more homework, finally finished, internet.

Um...on the way home, I started randomly pondering things and realized that living with someone else would be weird. I could picture the way he'd hold me, lounging around on weekends; or the way we'd spend the entire Sunday in bed. I could picture sitting down to dinner, the two of us pressed so closely; cooking; doing the dishes and starting a huge water fight. I pictured all of these things and in that moment realized that if I was going to live with him, I would personally treat it like we were unofficially married. That's the kind of marriage I want to get into, one that I can do all of these silly and fun things in and he'd love me for doing so; one where I know just by the way he looks at me, and just in the way he holds me, that all is perfect and right; one where we'd never have to worry about dealing with a divorce or who would take the kids. I want someone who loves me no matter what: I want someone like James for the rest of my life.

-Chin Up, Stare Forward
Scarlet Bloodmoon

I Want A Kitty Cat...

It's been two years since my life became a fucked up little curve that no one knows how to plot on an x vs. y graph. Full of ups and downs, debating where my loyalty was, how I was never going to be that perfect little girl...I had more ups and downs than where I am now.

Acdec was great fun. We ended up placing in Essay twice, which was surprising as hell. We weren't last! and technically, I scored more than anybody on the team for Super Quiz relay (3.5 average where people got 3 ish). It was amazing. But unless everyone else epic sucked, we aren't going to State.

Umm, visited MoMo last night, pet a kitty (was super excited), smoked hookah for the first time, went to Trails for the first time, Princess went on about how he was saving his virginity for the perfect moment and thinks his first time is going to last half an hour. Try 1/60 of that! And then after going to Trails and having the two college girls working there half-flirt with him (which he totally didn't catch, loser), decided that college girls are hot and that he wanted to have sex with college girls. Okay. Sure. Didn't you just tell me I was an immoral whore for having sex when I do?

We do things socially. I only do "bad" things when everyone else is and I don't tend to get addicted to them. I don't find excuses to go smoke socially or to do whatever socially. In fact, if I know they plan on it, I may or may not even consider it. I understand that people who are under stressful situations or have no other outlet will turn to smoking, but there are some people who go under the pretense of smoking socially and then get addicted (which, they are addicted when they smoke when no one is around to smoke with them) and can't tell. Why? In fact, they tend to have the best lives, no problems at all, and still, they smoke because their friends are going through deep and horrible stuff. What? You know what, when I pick up hardcore smoking, Princess can too. Not until then.