And A Year Ago, I Would Have Called Me Crazy

I can't stop counting. It's been about a year since the last time my earth shook from the ground up and came tumbling down upon me. It's been about a year since my longest relationship ended and seriously, I can't believe I never moved on quickly enough...I can't believe no one slapped me around until I realized it...I can't believe I wasted so much time...and I can't believe how irresponsible and immature we both were about it.

The only bit I'm allowing myself is that there was never really any closure...or I lied to myself about it and hid it all. A conclusion wasn't reached until June and it wasn't until August that it all stopped bothering me. 10 months after meltdown, it wasn't a big deal anymore...If only that were like 9.75 months shorter!

I guess the whole point of this post was to acknowledge that it's about a year tomorrow...or really close, but it doesn't matter to me anymore...ME the person who loves counting down and making milestones out of nothing! It feels so cool. Of course, I didn't make it out alone.

I'm so lucky I have the friends I do, have the people who love me love me like they do, have the people who secretly want me keep that a secret. I'm lucky I have a place to go to if I need to, a place to hide if I need to, a place to tear away all the masks if I need to. I'm so glad I could be who I am with the people around me, and that I could hide if I truly needed to. I love that I'm so secure right now.

So, it was fun when it lasted, we had a good run, and seriously, I nothing you. I feel nothing for you anymore. There is no hate, no love, no devotion, no respect, no anger, no annoyance, nothing. You are neutral and until something amazing happens and you awe me, there will be nothing from me. I'm done with everything about you: Goodbye.

-Like a snake sheds her skin
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Imaginary

The only realm in which you care.

So a little birdie told me that you brain wash and discourage people from getting to know me. Apparently, it almost worked for the birdie, until we started talking and getting to know each other. I seriously think you blew everything out of proportion. Maybe I'm belittling everything you blew out of proportion, but really? I'm a crazy stalker chick? I would yell at you for no reason at all? I'm sorry you have to feel that way to justify the amount of poison you've spoon-fed the blank minds of those around you.

And seriously, if there are people who will take only your side because you got to them first and you've had little heart-to-heart chats with them where I haven't, I don't need them and I don't need to build connections with them. In fact, I'm glad that someone told me this and decided to become my friend. I'm glad someone told me this and said you were just spouting bullshit.

If you seriously want to divide the school, have fun. I'm not playing any part in this warfare, I'm not changing the way I act or feel just because you're trying to isolate me. In fact, I know people go to you for advice, but do you really have to be so petty and advise them against knowing me?

Oh, I think people still think I hate them, even after I've told you time and time again that I don't hate them, and only resent them for stealing every single one of my victories freshman year. I truly believe that you're not telling people things and conveniently leaving out things so that they will isolate me and feed you this sympathy and respect for "dealing" with everything I put you through.

Thank you for destroying my chances of establishing connections with potentially successful people out of spite. You might not do it anymore, or you might still assassinate my character, but thank you so much for being a coward and never confronting me about any of it after the thousands of chances you've been given. Thank you for showing me that you really aren't worth the amount of time I try to invest in you. Thank you for making me regret actions I've decided not to regret and thank you for ruining how I see myself.

Through all of this, I'm only sorry I screwed over someone else all because of you
-Scarlet Bloodmoon

Euphoria

And it's so totally late, but it fits better today than it does 16 days ago.

Today is a month. It doesn't feel like it...but it is. I've done things I've promised myself I wouldn't do, I've done things that I can't regret, and I've done things that make me feel amazing...in a harmless way. I see things differently now, I see things from so many different planes that it's not even funny anymore. Sex is no longer just sex, but has this mesh of different meanings and trials that you can't even feel, but are breached every time...But that's what's so much fun about it: it's almost impossible to fail.

It feels amazing to be typing this...but I'm tired, so I'm out.

-I can still feel your soft caress
Scarlet Bloodmoon