Card-Carrying Hypocrites

Girls, women, females, whatever. We are the largest hypocrites in the world. Like, we live a double standard and then expect everything to work for us because we are the "weaker/fairer/whatever sex." Well, dears, I have news for you!

Firstly, the feminist movement as been up and about; the radical ones call men pigs and tote science around almost inaccurately and say females would do fine and be able to repopulate the world without men. And then they expect every guy they cross to be chivalrous and when they don't do that, they freak out. When the men are chivalrous, they feel emasculated. The lighter ones dump this superiority complex onto men and whip them into obeying it. When men try to level things out and make the relationship something more of an equality, the women freak out, withhold sex, and condition males to be douche-y tools.

Secondly, with fashion and modesty constantly being redefined to be more revealing, females jump on the opportunity to make men squirm. And then they are all up in arms about rape statistics, and have to carry Mace or pepper spray. I'm totally into the idea of personal defense, but there is a point where eventually, you're pretty much asking for trouble by wearing the things you do and walking around drunk people. And since these girls are always freaking out about who might be a potential rapist, they are at a constant level of being ready to pepper spray the hell out of someone. They are on this level to the point where they are ready to "defend" themselves in widely public areas or small enclosed spaces where it is not only dangerous to release an aerosol, but an aerosol of a heavy irritant might as well be fucking illegal.

This leads to more points, but the main one is the large double standard on how people are perceived. Girls seem to freak the hell out when a strange male over the age of maybe 15 talks to them or attempts to ask for help. Yes, American culture dictates as little communication between strangers, but we are in an area where American culture has been diluted. Mexican culture is extremely comfortable talking to strangers. In fact, Mexican culture seems to dictate a friendliness where Americans would consider that too close and too personal. And girls don't get that. And most of those artsy girls think they are so refined and cultural. But any single female would rather drop dead than ignore some fairly attractive male that might be asking for help or just sitting across some form of public transportation from her. Most girls, if they are the quiet and bookish type, will secretly hope the guy starts conversation.

Oh, and girls looking to sabotage a relationship and then win the heart of the guy of said relationship always compare herself to the girlfriend. ALWAYS. This motivates them and they seem to find justification from this. Afterward, when they achieve the relationship, they do not want to hear a word about any other girl that came before them. Well, you spent a great deal of time comparing yourself to the girl, why can't he get a say in what you might have been deluding yourself over? Even girls who don't sabotage relationships compare themselves to old girlfriends. They find faults or analyze the reasons for the end of those relationships and then compare those traits to herself in some self-esteem-boosting bit of "I was better than that whore" fun. And then the guy brings up something that he wishes you could do, because the last girl was just like this. And you freak out. You've been comparing yourself to the list all along and once someone else starts, it's now unacceptable?

I'm no saint. I'm a hypocrite is lots of places. I know I don't really do any of the double standards listed here, but I know I'm just as big a hypocrite as the next person. I know how to dress modestly, but still look rather good, I know how to have conversations with strange people in public places, I know how to not freak out on a guy simply because he's equalizing the relationship. People who don't know how to do these things bother me. I suppose there are people out there who can't stand bad qualities I have, and that's because they don't have these qualities and they think people who don't understand are idiotic, but that's not my point. Sure, some girls really are lacking intellectually. Statistically, that is true. Sure, there are some of them that are so feminist they make no sense in their demand for "equality." And those people are just completely extreme. But the point here is, we are all hypocrites because we don't realize what we are doing and try for the "best of both worlds."

A bout of Inspiration

Over the past few days, I've been sleeping in and neglecting all of my duties of "Substitute Maternal Figure" unless prompted to do so. I feel like a horrible mother with anger issues so I take them out on my kids. Maybe when I'm out of college and have a stable sleep schedule and don't stay out until like 1 AM every morning because I haven't seen James all day and that's the only time to see him, I'll be a better mother. But maybe, I'll be the mother who really tries to love her children, but just ends up having lots of sex with her husband and forgets to feed them sometimes.

Apart from sleeping in (and oh, it's glorious sleeping in), I've been reading some old blog posts of some kinda famous dude I've had the fortune to meet, chat with, and walk to his Jetta with. It's been fun, silly, and more and more, I feel like it would have been kickass to have been able to meet him while he was still just a normal person with dreams.

But somehow, I tangented from there. Or maybe it was because of the music I was listening to while reading his blog posts from six years ago. But has there been a moment where you wake up and out of the blue, you feel exactly what's going to happen to you in the future, but you brush it off or misinterpret it? Did you wake up one morning years ago and know how angry you would be today? Did you wake up one morning ages ago and know how much this girl will hurt you? Maybe, you were born with the knowledge of what was going to happen, but choosing to take the adventurous way out, decided to forget just so every moment meant something. Maybe we all innately know what to do and where it goes, but we can't access that stuff until some thick and dark-looking wall breaks down and life gets easy from there. But it's not because we've worked hard in this world, but because we somehow broke down that wall. Or maybe, did you wake up one day so long ago and realize that you'd fall so deeply in love that anything that came into your path was worth getting there and no matter where you ended, everything would be okay?

When I was little, I've always pictured my future romantically. Curled in bed with some nameless and faceless figure but feeling so safe and loved. Standing in a forest clearing next to the same nameless and faceless figure happier than I've ever been. I've never been one to write my first name with the last name of my most prominent crush. I did do that sometimes, but I always ripped those out and destroyed them. That's just not me. It's always been this nameless and faceless template of a man who I would eventually meet, fall in love with, and proceed to spend at least my youth with. I could never come up with a situation where I grew old. It must have been because I was incapable of picturing myself at 18 at the age of 8. I guess I've always been in love with the idea of immortality, because even as the world around me changed, I had all the time in the world to be what I wanted and to explore every whim in the world. When high school came around, the person was still nameless and faceless. I had to force myself to put a name to the figure, I had to force myself to impose a face to the figure. Even in any of my sexual fantasies I would entertain, it was dark, I couldn't really see who was with me. It wasn't until I was in Eindhoven laying in bed with a flare of hormones telling me I really wanted an orgasm that I found myself weaving a fantasy out of someone I already knew. Months after that, I had my first sex dream. The first guy I had intercourse with, I had never committed to memory and probably never met them: a nameless, faceless template. The next guy was the same guy I wove that fantasy out of: James. It is obvious I've moved onto a new chapter of life. Maybe this won't exactly work out like I want it to, but that's okay, because this will always be significant.

I'm about ready to move on from this place. I've been here for seven years now. My room has hardly changed from when it was first set up, and after moving through thousands of color choices for my walls, they remain the white that I've been living with for seven years. It feels like it's time for a new adventure in life. I want to live away from here for just a little while. If it doesn't work out, I'll come back. If I love being out there in the world working my ass off just to stay in a house twice the size of my room and half as comfortable, I'll stay out in the world and visit every Thanksgiving and Christmas just because that's what people do. Or maybe, this desire for adventure is simply a desire to curl in bed with James every night.

So, I just pulled out his senior picture that his mother picked out. It's a shame the photographer didn't catch any of the moments where he was actually laughing. That picture is so fake. I remember that being my first thought when I first saw the thing. My second was that if it wasn't a fake smile, it simply wasn't the ones I saw everyday. It looks like one of his "I'm quietly amused at your expense" smiles, one that I've hardly witnessed, and one that hardly ever came my direction. Or he looks boyish. He never really looks boyish unless he's pouting or talking excitedly in that boyish voice he uses when we are being silly. I remember standing behind the photographer while his mother was sitting just out of the shot. There could be papers written about the psychology of this arrangement. Her superficial presence: so close but still so far from her son. My presence completely absent from the domain of the set, but the photographer used me as the reason to smile. She tried to get him to look genuine, to look really happy. She told him to imagine me in skimpy swim apparel. We laughed. She snapped a few pictures after we stopped laughing. I remember seeing one of my English friends' senior picture she chose to purchase to hand out to people. It was a beautiful picture with her laughing. It fit her so well, it was natural and wonderfully perfect. I wonder why none of the pictures his photographer took fit him nearly as well as the picture of my friend.

It's kind of sad knowing that the only picture of just me that's any good and recent is the one I have as an icon. The one in my yearbook is decent, but the more I look at it, the more I think I look evil or condescending and mean. I'm not the camera-whore type, so I obviously don't have very many pictures where I'm by myself and not trying to capture the exact shade of color my hair is because I just finished dying it. I guess, in some desperate plea for attention or maybe someone to decide I'm pretty or artful, I want some slightly amateur photographer to snap a picture of me with some really old-style almost-black-and-white background and decide it looks artful and that I accent the background well enough for this portrait to be called artful.

On a slightly related note, I've kind of become bored with being "perfect." Maybe it's because besides telling each other we miss each other and love each other, we will do the whole "you're perfect," "no, you're perfect" thing. I realize "perfect" is the nice little umbrella that says I'm cute and soft and nice and caring and so on and so on, but it'd be nice to be reminded every now and then what you think of me, specifically. I've also developed a need for someone to tell me I'm pretty. I'd settle for "pretty," but if anyone throws out a "gorgeous" or "beautiful," I'm like the sad little stray that was finally given the smallest fraction of love and now is purring madly and trying desperately to win a warm meal tonight and a safe place to sleep.

Since I'm talking about what may be considered problems: I'm getting kind of tired of hanging around groups of males under the influence of substances. Ranging anywhere from clingy beyond belief and making me (a very physical person) sick with some form of claustrophobia and mild annoyance, to acting in such a childish way that it makes me not want kids for a good ten years yet, I'm pretty much done hanging out with these people. They're wonderful and interesting people while sober, but GOD. None of them seem to understand that there are more things in life than hitting up every single night and then staying late and eating obscene amounts of food. Probably the worst realization in my life was when my favorite gay friend openly admit that he did not like being sober or couldn't stand not getting high. Wait, are you saying every one of my friends pretty much became psychologically dependent on something I easily left? Me, the person my mother was so worried about because I apparently have an addictive personality, smokes cigarettes socially (meaning like never) but never craves one, and doesn't ever want to get high like the rest of my friends? You've got to be fucking kidding me. Yeah, I smoked marijuana in the Netherlands when I was there. Yeah, I enjoyed the feeling, I enjoyed spending the night high and carefree. I enjoyed killing that whiny goody-goody girl who arrived in Europe in July of 2008. I enjoyed stepping away from that murder scene newborn and ready for a life of living by my own rules. Metaphorically of course.

But I also grew up and decided that it'd be a waste of my life and time if I spent a good deal of it in an altered state of mind forever pushing through life without actually living it. I don't know about the rest of you, but I fantasize about being someone. A large part of this fantasy is being the coolest cat like ever and showing up everyone who's ever made me cry in my life. Ex-boyfriends come and try to make me use them as advertising advisers or hire them or whatever they might be qualified to do and all I tell them is how I don't need them. I show them how cool my company thing is and they walk away like a sad kid who found out the candy store was just closed forever. Another very important part is the part where I have the coolest custom house ever and I could seriously spend every night of the week in a different bedroom without overlapping or reusing bedrooms. Half of them would never be used unless I had a whole ton of guests over for some sleep-over event, but hey, I have a whole shit ton of rooms in this really cool house I can afford because I worked towards not only a goal that makes me money, but I love my job and I love doing the things I do and helping the people I help. So I guess, in some twisted way, fantasy is my anti-drug and the scary DARE adviser of this metaphor is that I really want to be someone.

Late

I know I'm late, like super late, but I'll start a post in the middle of class or something, and then the professor would talk about something super interesting or something that will be on the test and I have to pay attention. Then, I will forget completely about the poor post I've written and then leave.

There's a lot of stuff that has happened. I'm now 19. It's weird because someone asked yesterday and I automatically responded with 18. Nope! I'm not 18 anymore. Um...But let's start at like "the beginning."

I have no idea where I left off, but the really cool thing that happened to me back in November was going to see Mystery Team three times while it was here. Mystery Team is the first full-length feature film from the group Derrick Comedy and it was beyond wonderful. On the second showing I caught, a group of friends and I got the chance to hang out for a bit with one of the co-writers/actors, DC Pierson. He was a really genuine guy with great comedy skills. Like, when you meet famous people, the stereotype or expectation is to find that they are jerks or that they are really not the type of people you'd think they are. Nope. This guy was as funny in real life as he is in all of the Derrick Comedy stuff, and just as funny as we all thought he would be. I've recently gone through some of his older writing, like stuff from 2003 in blog posts, and it's a goldmine of wonderful things. He grew up in the Phoenix Metropolitan and had attended ASU, so all of this stuff that I've been reading has been more relate-able than some random famous dude that I'm slightly cyber-stalking.

Our favorite gay friend came back from Vermont in December. That was super exciting. We hung out like we always did, joked about and discussed sexuality, sex, and teenage things in general. The running joke is that we all have sex with this gay friend of ours, except for Princess who is completely afraid of homosexuality. He pretty much spent a good solid month back with us and we were deeply sorry to see him have to leave. He has the best menagerie of people for his get-togethers.

I got sick the day after my birthday. Like fever and OMG I'M GOING TO THROW UP ON YOUR FACE sick. This pretty much stayed with me for two days. Ugh. Missed some dinner and lunch invitations that sounded pretty interesting.

BUT: for Christmas/winter holiday I have no obligation to celebrate, James and I pretty much got each other the same thing. We both gave each other a new wallet since we both needed to switch out our old ones for new ones anyways.

On the 27th, my family packed into our '98 Sienna to drive to Vegas. This took us a good 8 hours maybe, because my family likes to take their time and mozy. And Hoover Dam traffic was horrible and we were stuck there for like two hours. We checked into the Stratosphere, which is a nice place to stay, and grabbed dinner at the buffet there. Meats were kind of dry and food kind of bland, but none of us where terribly hungry or picky. I got my own bed on a trip for pretty much the first time I can remember (with family). The next day, we went to the Chinatown for some breakfast before getting ready to go to a wedding. It was a nice wedding. The place was very nice and elegant, nice open bar, great snack foods, nummy cake. Throughout the entire wedding, the only memory I could remember of the groom was going to visit their family when I was like 9 for Christmas-ish and spending time playing with them. And I couldn't help but remember how I have this slightly recurring crush on his brother. But anyways: I caught the bouquet, but only because it fell to the floor and no one seemed to want it. Okay. Banquet was a really elaborate Chinese feast. It was epic and enormous and holy shit, there was so much food. That was Vegas: not nearly as dramatic as my last Vegas experience, and not nearly as scandalous.

I finally got to pass the year with James. Last year, I was off in Flagstaff while he was still down in the Valley. This year, we went over to our beloved gay friend's place and it was the three of us and his dad counting down. Great fun, slept over for the night, and got to cuddle with James in what feels like forever.

Now, all the other kiddies, except Jeremy, are in school, and I pretty much have the house to myself. James is now a salesman for fancy cutlery and is in Scottsdale for that bit. I have yet to get a job, but I might as well be a collector of financial aid/scholarships that I'm eligible for as employment. I mentioned moving out today to my father and he pretty much said that is was a stupid idea and that I would be able to live a more luxurious life living at home. Well, but I think it'd be nice to live not at home. Maybe try this out for a little and know just how much you need me and how much I need you. I'm thinking of applying to the Honors College, but the application process leads me to think that it's too late as a Lower Division student and I'll have to wait for Upper Division student-status. That's fine: I don't need your fancy Honors degree. I'll just wait for it.

Now, for something completely unrelated:

A couple of days ago, I had this really weird dream where I was pretty much flirting with this Asian guy I've probably never seen in my life. I woke up and while pondering this dream, realized that most of the guys I've had crushes on in my life were Asian (at least the recurring/hardcore ones where they last more than a few months), but I've only ended up mostly dating Caucasian guys. Weird. It kind of makes me wonder why I'm weird like that.

-Realizing How Great I've Got It
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Echo

So August has been fun. James and I had our one year anniversary: he got me a rose (the only boyfriend ever to give me flowers. The only other people have been Bella, and my friend Antonio. He's gay) and then we drove around doing things. We had lunch at IKEA and it was delicious. It was also super packed...We then went over to his house, watched Wall-E, had dinner while watching Cloverfield, and acted cute the entire time. It was super fun and I was extremely happy. I couldn't wait to be able to spend every day for the rest of our lives together. We'd be so incredibly in love and we'd do cute and sappy things like curl on the sofa and watch children's movies for hours, or something...This was also the day that he saw me cry...Which was interesting as I hardly ever let other people see me cry...or that I've never needed to cry when he's around. We also realized that we've never really gotten into a fight. Like, we've never had a real problem with anything the other person is doing, and if we did, the other person either took the discussion to heart, or there was a reasonable chat over it. Maybe next year, we'll have a real fight.

And then college started. That is going well. It's easier than I thought...I was so ready to be fully immersed in stuff to do, but really, I have no homework outside of class yet, and it's all so boring! I do meet up with a few friends on campus, get lunch and such, talk, chat, plot and plan...but in the long run, if this doesn't pick up, I will be deeply disappointed.

I got a new Blackberry Curve...well, not new, but it's new to me! That's super exciting. I have the phone I originally wanted! But I had to pay for it...cheap ass parents...

I went to Prescott for a weekend for the Engineering school I am apart of. A lot of the kids were from out of state, and so it was a really cool experience talking to all of these people and getting to know these people who willing came into a state of unbearable weather, and beyond poor education. There were some really cool people, some really cool people in my major, and some really cool people that I will probably see later down the road and rarely talk to, but that's okay! It was just a fun little thing and everything was stress-free and fun.

During the weekend on Prescott, it was the one-year-mark for when James and I started having sex. Not that it's really a big deal or whatever, but I do numbers...and I remember dates. I forgot it while I was in Prescott and only remembered now, if that means anything. I came back the next day, and we had some nummy and fairly hasty sex pretty much in the same place we did a year ago. Ha, we're silly. But this time, it was a different experience altogether. The ending was immensely different, it was not awkward, there was so much emotion and connection throughout the entire thing that it kind of became the perfect way to usher in a new year. Last year had a milestone. It was kind of weird and I got an email afterward, apologizing for it. This year started off worlds different. It's like the perfect representation of the growth our relationship has gone through.

Wow...that was super BS. I'm sorry I'm a girl and can pull this sort of analysis stuff out of nowhere. But um...That's pretty much it for the month of August. September sounds like a charm, and I can't wait for #13!

-Screw Unlucky! I Make My Own Luck
Scarlet Bloodmoon

PS - You know how James and I were "Single" according to Facebook, it was all a lie. Seriously. I got bored and wanted to stage a mind-fuck.

A Pull

Every time some small memory comes to mind or some small thought makes me incredibly happy, something pulls at my heart. The feeling spreads throughout my body, normally to my right hand or down further. I used to describe this as a flutter, but recently, it's starting to hurt. It's more of a longing now. It a reminder of how I used to be able to do all of these things that seem just like distant fantasies now. It makes me miss the moments that have now passed and wonder when I will ever experience the pure bliss of being able to fall asleep with him.

Rendered helpless by the sharp twinge running through my body, I can do nothing except curl together and hope it passes. Often, I will encourage more and more thoughts, more and more flutters. Wave after wave of bittersweet feeling floods through me and when I can't take the pain anymore, I let go. Slowly, the flooding goes away and all I'm left with is a deep pulsing of my heart and a fleeting bit of pain.

It doesn't really bother me that much, just sometimes it gets to the point where I can't do anything at all. Someone at school was complaining about how his breakup left him in so much pain and how his heart was hurting so much. He doesn't know pain. He doesn't know what it feels like to be constantly denied the urge and need to curl into someone and hold on forever. He doesn't know what it feels like to have been through heaven only to have it ripped away. It kind of works both ways: you can't know happiness without knowing pain, but you can't know pain without knowing true bliss. Very little people actually know pain and very little people actually know happiness. I guess I'm lucky enough to know both.

So today in English, we shared the "Rules of Love" we had written yesterday in class. The other classes had finished before us and so we shared some of those as well. It was a great laugh and very silly. Christine and I were off in our own little groups and disagreed with everything the other girls said were rules. Bella was between our group and another and we told her that she couldn't have this double input. It was just silly. I know I'm not the ideal girl for every guy, but I'm good enough. I enjoy being in the kitchen, on my knees, on my back...haha. I guess I would like to think I'm low maintenance enough to be the perfect girl, but it's been a long time since I've actually cared about being perfect. I guess my only "Rule of Love" would be that he has to be able to keep up with me. If I'm playful, I want him to play along with me...he has to be able to keep me entertained verbally and physically and be able to fit me.

I'm truly the luckiest person alive. I have the greatest friends, the easiest time dealing with opinions I do not agree with, the ability to see both sides of any argument and essentially agree with either side, and the best boyfriend I've ever had. I love that I can be myself around him and that I don't have to put a damper on my personality or behavior. I'm glad I don't have to compromise and that he fits me.

-Completed by Your Presence
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Kitty Cats and Griselda

So, there was a cat stuck in our swamp cooler today. Apparently all through the day, Jeremy and Mom were looking for it in the garage (it was meowing pretty loudly) and couldn't find it. We stuck Riley in the swamp cooler and he started sniffing and the cat growled a little. We got it out, Andrei was epic excited, things went and played out well.

Oh, I just finished the Clerk's Tale in The Canterbury Tales. It's...different. Basically, this really poor girl Griselda ends up marrying the marquis and he puts her through these horrible tests. She meekly accepts whatever he tells her to do and so he tries her by pretending to kill their daughter and son and then divorce her and marry someone younger. He makes her prepare for the wedding and interact with the girl (who is actually her daughter) and in the end decides he can't take how well she's accepting all of this crap and tells her the truth. She's epic happy and things go well.

The thing is, really, it's talking about society (they comment on how the people are all against how the marquis is a murderer but when he brings in the new girl and she's so pretty, they are so happy and "realizes" why the marquis divorces Griselda) and maybe even comments on the love of society. Back then, love was seen more like lust is today and Griselda's devotion and need to please Walter is the love Chaucer shows. It also brings up the question of morality: obviously the marquis was only testing Griselda's morality and faithfulness, but he's ways of doing it are so immoral and out there. To test her submissiveness, he goes to extremes to pretend to kill his children and then send them away to be raised by his sister. Really?

Today was alright. I've been tired all week long because I love staying up late which really doesn't help that I have to wake up early in the morning. So nothing really exciting until...Robotics. Get there, say hi, stuck between like two groups of people who all like me because I can't say mean things to people. There had recently been a break up in the club and it's been pretty awkward. Groups were pretty much redefined and it's really apparent that the guy in the relationship just kind of went along with the rest of the group because they were people that he kind of needed. It was interesting. Talked to this one chick who is just crazy fun and I was super surprised to find out she's a freshman! Eh, Robotics was interesting today. Played with a servo and accelerometer. That was epic fun. But yeah, that's pretty much most of my day.

-Mew
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Driven

I think there's always something to drive me to compete with people. So this time, as long as James is blogging everyday, I will try too. Um...not much happened today, so there really isn't much to talk about or complain about...Let's see:

I guess in a way, I'm conceited to a point where I drive off the potential success of people. I believe that I can do anything better and that people celebrate and magnify things way too much. Of course, it only applies to certain people, and it really doesn't make sense at all why I feel this way. I'm just weird I guess.

I've been listening to Chinese music all day long. It started off as genuine curiosity over a band and then I just got hooked. I enjoyed pulling the songs apart and would smirk every time I found a phrase or thing I understood. It made me happy that I could pick out these things. It made me feel better about myself and the fact that most of the time, I feel I'm losing my culture and roots. Maybe that's what this cultural melting pot does: strips people of their cultures and implements a conglomerate that doesn't quite represent the culture they had lost.

Oh, so my mother has always loved hearing stories of American born Chinese people that return to Taiwan/China and become huge stars and such. She's often suggested we go back to Taiwan and do something with our lives. I only love ABC stars because they will often sing in both Chinese and English and they actually make it work. This leads me to my other point: half Asian children are beautiful. They are. It's the mixture of the Asian darker coloring with a paler skin tone and a more "healthy-looking" facial structure and shape. Their eyes are just a little bit bigger, their faces a little more round, and they look really pretty. I used to envy my cousins because they were just a little bit lighter and just a little different. And since I am super sure I'm not going to end up procreating with an Asian guy, I guess I can envy my children for the rest of my life.

I planted a tulip bulb today. It is currently in the refrigerator and has to be there for about 12 weeks. Exciting, isn't it? Andrei was basically ecstatic to find out what I was doing and decided to pot and grow weeds from the backyard. Okay. It was a messy process and imagine my surprise to find that the pot I had originally intended didn't drain well and basically became a mush of old, dry potting soil and water. It was gross. I also baked the last of my cookies today. Maybe I should just start making cookie dough myself and freeze it.

-Well, that was tangent-y
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Floating In Dragon's Blood, Lull Me To Sleep

Girls are special. We all exist within our mothers as they are within their mothers. I don't know why I thought of that or why it is at all relevant, but once again, I'm forced to accept the fact that I came from sticky white stuff I make a habit of swallowing (no real pun intended) and a cell that causes so much pain for me on a monthly basis. Once again, I'm pondering my future as a mother, and once again, I'm not thinking about sex just for the sake of sex. I hate it when I get like this.

I'm past the point where I'm unsure about everything, but I'm not yet past the point where I know for sure how I want everything to work out. It seems I have been hurt way too many times to allow myself to fully believe in anything and there is still that little part of me that wonders what will happen if things don't work out. Will he change, or will I change my entire social group and lifestyle just to avoid some conflict? Or, will we both be so masochistic we stay together in the same social groups, work together on everything, and pretend everything is okay when really, we are both seething in wounds that still yearn to be nursed? Back and forth, this little part of me argues, but given the right distraction -- or maybe it's me turning away from it and giving something else more attention -- it stops. I no longer care because maybe I'm so done and busy I can't ponder other things or maybe it's because I'm wrapped so tightly in his arms that I need to remind myself to breathe.

It's weird. There are times where I forget that I'm in a relationship. It's not like I start looking for attention or that I start to wonder who I could get, but there is just this overall sense of tranquility and euphoria where I am so used to how things are that I equate where I am with most of my life previously where I was outside of a relationship and still equally happy. Or maybe it's because with conscious thought, I could never give enough credit and meaning and value to the relationship and so my subconscious takes it over. Or, maybe in those moments, if I listened hard enough or thought hard enough, I could actually seen something beyond conscious thought.

It kind of feels like I should start over with this blog. Do a newer introduction to myself, something less attention-whore and a little bit more personal. I started this thing with the intention of maybe an audience of three people I actually see day-to-day and whoever else that would stumble into the blog and stay around. I now have maybe five people I see on a day-to-day and I don't care who sticks around. Maybe it's time to be a little bit more open about my personality and stop trying to cover tracks.

-Good Night, Sweet Dreams, I Love You
Scarlet Bloodmoon

And A Year Ago, I Would Have Called Me Crazy

I can't stop counting. It's been about a year since the last time my earth shook from the ground up and came tumbling down upon me. It's been about a year since my longest relationship ended and seriously, I can't believe I never moved on quickly enough...I can't believe no one slapped me around until I realized it...I can't believe I wasted so much time...and I can't believe how irresponsible and immature we both were about it.

The only bit I'm allowing myself is that there was never really any closure...or I lied to myself about it and hid it all. A conclusion wasn't reached until June and it wasn't until August that it all stopped bothering me. 10 months after meltdown, it wasn't a big deal anymore...If only that were like 9.75 months shorter!

I guess the whole point of this post was to acknowledge that it's about a year tomorrow...or really close, but it doesn't matter to me anymore...ME the person who loves counting down and making milestones out of nothing! It feels so cool. Of course, I didn't make it out alone.

I'm so lucky I have the friends I do, have the people who love me love me like they do, have the people who secretly want me keep that a secret. I'm lucky I have a place to go to if I need to, a place to hide if I need to, a place to tear away all the masks if I need to. I'm so glad I could be who I am with the people around me, and that I could hide if I truly needed to. I love that I'm so secure right now.

So, it was fun when it lasted, we had a good run, and seriously, I nothing you. I feel nothing for you anymore. There is no hate, no love, no devotion, no respect, no anger, no annoyance, nothing. You are neutral and until something amazing happens and you awe me, there will be nothing from me. I'm done with everything about you: Goodbye.

-Like a snake sheds her skin
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Imaginary

The only realm in which you care.

So a little birdie told me that you brain wash and discourage people from getting to know me. Apparently, it almost worked for the birdie, until we started talking and getting to know each other. I seriously think you blew everything out of proportion. Maybe I'm belittling everything you blew out of proportion, but really? I'm a crazy stalker chick? I would yell at you for no reason at all? I'm sorry you have to feel that way to justify the amount of poison you've spoon-fed the blank minds of those around you.

And seriously, if there are people who will take only your side because you got to them first and you've had little heart-to-heart chats with them where I haven't, I don't need them and I don't need to build connections with them. In fact, I'm glad that someone told me this and decided to become my friend. I'm glad someone told me this and said you were just spouting bullshit.

If you seriously want to divide the school, have fun. I'm not playing any part in this warfare, I'm not changing the way I act or feel just because you're trying to isolate me. In fact, I know people go to you for advice, but do you really have to be so petty and advise them against knowing me?

Oh, I think people still think I hate them, even after I've told you time and time again that I don't hate them, and only resent them for stealing every single one of my victories freshman year. I truly believe that you're not telling people things and conveniently leaving out things so that they will isolate me and feed you this sympathy and respect for "dealing" with everything I put you through.

Thank you for destroying my chances of establishing connections with potentially successful people out of spite. You might not do it anymore, or you might still assassinate my character, but thank you so much for being a coward and never confronting me about any of it after the thousands of chances you've been given. Thank you for showing me that you really aren't worth the amount of time I try to invest in you. Thank you for making me regret actions I've decided not to regret and thank you for ruining how I see myself.

Through all of this, I'm only sorry I screwed over someone else all because of you
-Scarlet Bloodmoon

Pretending Someone Else Can Come and Save Me From Myself

10:58 pm June 23, 2008

“’Cause you’re the angel in my hell.”

I had to steal it…it was too…fitting? No. Poetic maybe? Well, whatever it was, I just needed it. So I got back from Maryland/DC on Thursday the 19^th. I fell asleep shortly after getting home, taking time to greet family. By the way, I didn’t hug my brothers like I said I would…I definitely forgot until the day after. The first thing I did when I woke up, I got online. After that, I started writing…everything I did that I shouldn’t tell other people…secrets that are better unspoken. It was probably a bad idea to hard copy something like that, but I really wanted to look back in years and smile…I know I read over some of the stuff I had written in the journal last year and I laughed and it was just in general good for me to read through all of this stuff…to realize just how much I’ve grown or changed.

9:48 pm June 24, 2008

Really bad case of fantasizing…and wanting what I can’t have. I’m confused as to why I have to be like this. Why can’t I be a normal person and know when to move on? I guess as long as I keep telling myself that it will all work out in the end and all, I’ll have some fodder for keeping me amused and happy until it all falls apart or I forget all about it. I constantly try to justify things to myself that while it makes sense to me, I should think would never work. I don’t even know why this jumble of emotions and series of events happen to me…It’s just…I guess I never learned to move on. I can’t. Physically incapable. I still remember things about the small crushes I’ve had since the first grade. I found one of my crushes from the third grade online…I actually googled his name…

Speaking of Google, I tend to like to google my alias, see how much I’ve owned this identity. I’m silly, no?

12:24 June 28, 2008

The tiny things remind me of him. I realize I’m not over him, that the last time, I just kind of shoved all the feelings and such under a huge rug and pretended it wasn’t there. I’d catch myself watching him or trying to get closer, but I’d be in charge and I’d stop myself. This time, it’s gone too far. I’ve lost control. I’m actively trying, but it’s no use. I take any excuse to be able to talk to him…and even though it’s bad for me, I still do it. I still think about the past, I still remember every memory…I’m still here, living in the past and trying desperately to piece together a fantasy world that I shouldn’t be creating. I’m still trying. Why can’t I have an epiphany like I did all those other times that makes me realize that I can still be happy without all of this self-induced emotional abuse?

And, as I’m writing all of this, I still wonder if you’ll come back and read my blog. I still wonder if you’re tempted to read the old conversations we’ve had or if you’re tempted to read that journal. I wonder a lot, don’t I?

Rather short blog this time. A page in Word. That’s okay. Nothing really new. Just found out that I’m shameless on the internet. Eh.

-I've Never Been Perfect, I'd be Lying if I Said "But Neither Have You"
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title from: Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park

Waking Up to the Green of Your Eyes

May 22, 2008 10:37 am
It’s been an interesting week…In English, we wrote letters to the students next year, giving them advice and basically what we wished we knew before we started. Well, in my small hand writing, I wrote a full page and four lines of advice, reflection, and pondering about how everything this year has changed me. I wondered how the much I had changed, how many different groups and people I became attached to, how many people I hurt and broke. At the end of the “letter,” I realized so much about myself. I realized how I got through things (great friends and partners) and how I changed in how I saw people. I realized how much I grew up, how much responsibility I can handle, how much challenge I look for and how much I can take. I realized a lot this year, I’ve changed a lot this year, I’ve become so different. This morning, I realized how different I’ve become, I realized how many things led me to who I am today.

Last night was interesting. I discovered we had no butter in the house and thusly couldn’t bake or make dessert type things which then made my brothers disappointed. My parents left and got an after-dinner meal because they felt dinner (which my mom made) sucked. I had another surprising conversation with Cale, and truly couldn’t analyze why things are happening. It was all…thrown into perspective for me.

May 22, 2008 11:22 pm
I finished most of my physics Rube Goldberg project, so I’m going to let the electrical sit and be finished tomorrow.

May 23, 2008 4:55 pm
I started writing in James’ yearbook today. I got five lines down the page, realizing I never said anything about the relationship at all, and had to leave for class. I handed it off to senior friends he wanted to have sign, so I never got to finish.

June 19, 2008 12:42 pm
Because this seems so…insightful and important to figuring out who I am…I’m adding to it after all this time. I mean, here I am, sitting at an airport on my way back home. In this boredom, I’ve read through my old files and such. 11/4/07, I wrote an entry into a dreamlog thing that I start and forget all the time. I’m surprised that I don’t even remember anything about this dream at all. I mean…It’s like a faint and old thread that I can’t really touch in fear of it dissolving in my fingers.

I don’t remember all of it, nor do I remember what led up to this point, but I do remember being on top of what seemed like a hill. Green grass and gravel paved the hill, and for some random reason, we were dancing. It wasn’t any real form of dancing, nor was it one I’d ever danced, but for a brief moment, we danced. Everything stopped then, the music and all the people with us disappeared as I fell to the ground, laughing and enjoying these last moments of being a child. Either I sat up and you sat across from me, or I was now standing, you looked at me with almost surprise. “You should have told me.”

Shocked and confused, I stared back at you. I’m not sure what conversation passed between us, but I was yours again, and I couldn’t have been happier.

No matter how deep I try to dig, no matter how far I go back, I can’t remember the dream. I can’t remember the music, the dancing, the person I was so happy to be with…Sure, I could guess, but it would be nice to be able to remember.

We have an interesting friendship. Last night at the hotel, after coming back from the memorials and monuments in DC, Cale and I just sat around, chatting and laughing. I love moments like this: moments where I forget where I am, how much I’ve cried, how painful tomorrow will be, and how mean we’ve been to each other. These happy moments, I don’t pay attention to how much I’m telling people, how much I’m opening up to the world. These moments, he makes me laugh. He makes me comfortable…he’s one of the only people I can actually cry in front of, one of the only people that can make me drop my guard. I love those moments.

On the other hand, we have moments where I don’t know how to move on from that point. We have those frustrating moments where anything else would have been easier. In these moments, life seems to stand still. We’re in a world where nothing exists but this conflict that we need to get over. It takes awhile to get out of those moments.

(Random fact: More people have sex in the month of June than any other month)

I don’t know why I had to include that…just saw it somewhere and thought it was interesting…you know? Like, what about the month of June makes people have more sex? Is it because it’s a lazy-esque month where the temperature is really too warm to do much and so they just enjoy the company of someone else? Hmm…

So, on Tuesday, I got a call from a friend that was traveling with James that week. Said mutual friend asked if there was anything ill going on in our relationship. I cruelly cackled in my mind, knowing that I was going to end the relationship soon. “No,” I replied, nothing was really wrong, it had been that way since the beginning…They were concerned because when they had come to visit, I was in the bed with Cale. It was okay to tell him anything, because he was a friend and only trying to help. What was going on? I had been acting a little weird since I got here. And as I stuttered answers and dodged telling them the real story, our teacher knocked on the door. I opened it and she immediately launched into an instruction on what we needed to do and what needed to be done. I hung up without saying goodbye, leaving both of them to wonder what was going on with me and I haven’t heard from him since. The next afternoon, I was single.

So, I’ve decided that I’m going to stay single for a little bit. Probably until college or something far off in the distance…I don’t want to have to deal with someone while I have no idea what I’m doing with myself...when I’m so afraid of even thinking of saying “I love you.” Lilith/Vixen thing was really hard to control this trip…what with so many people that she could potentially have (well, far from home, who cares right?) and the fact that it was a trip down Memory Lane right after another with Cale constantly around.

It is now 1:54 pm Mountain Time and really, there isn’t much more I have to contribute. All in all, this was a great trip, one that I will enjoy over and over again. The sad thing is, what parts I did not enjoy, being single isn’t one of them…

-I know I’m a horrible person
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title From: Hold My Hand by New Found Glory

God Help Me...Wait...

I don't have a god...

So this is the third day and second night in Maryland/Washington DC. The first day, getting to the airport, getting to the hotel, getting to our rooms, I realized that I was having so much fun with these people, that no matter how hard James was going to try to spend time with me, I wouldn't enjoy it as much as the time I spend with my NHD group. Most of these people I barely know. They are people that I know of, have heard things about for all of my schooling around them, but...I had never actually spent real time with any of them outside of class. So, getting here and quickly bonding with the three of the NHD kids and spending even more time hanging out with the three and Cale, I wanted to keep this trip to NHD kids. So, furthering the impending doom of my current relationship, I basically ignored and nonchalantly dodged through every attempt James made of trying to spend time with me. Well, I could have handled that one a bit better, but I didn't care. Basically, out of our five, there were two girls and three boys. We had two rooms, split by gender. The first night, Cale and I left the other three in the boys' room to finish our website or face the dragon-wrath of our teacher and eventually, after I was so frustrated with the whole thing and Cale started getting drowsy, I made him lie down on the couch (pull out bed thing) in our room while I sat on the bed trying to work a little more. Finally, at 2 in the morning he was officially asleep so I pulled the blanket from the bed, spread it over him and went to bed. We woke up a little before 7 and prepared to head off to meet the rest of the entire group. We went to Capitol Hill, the Supreme Court, and the Museum of Indian Americans. After that, we had an impromptu trip to the National Air and Space Museum. It was fun, a lot of walking, and a whole ton of rain on the way back.

Definitely happy about the rain. I had brought an umbrella and ended up lending it away as I enjoyed my trek home through the rain. It was pretty...all the green soaked in tiny drops of water, the slightest movement would send millions of little drops of water crashing down to the floor - or my face, whichever was underneath.

The rain cleared up shortly after we got back to the hotel. The three went swimming until they came back and headed off for the NHD dance. As much fun it would have been to see what seemed like socially inept children "dance," Cale and I were lazy and helped one of the three burn DVDs and watched TV. By the end of the night, we all ended up in the boys' room, forcing one of the guys to retreat to the girls' room. Slept late, woke up lazy and didn't want to really get out of bed. The Sofa-bed thing was comfortable though.

Next morning (Tuesday), we all had our competition interviews. Cale and I were to go first, and after rushing out the door, getting lost, and having an interesting and amusing trip, we were a little late. We actually ran into one of the judges looking for us. It was pretty entertaining. The interview was alright: they were overly nice and knew quite a bit about our topic. Cool. We got back, watched tv and Angel, got food, watched more Angel, other three got back, watched more Angel, walked around a little, planned to go to the movies, didn't...came back and watched Game 6 of the NBA Finals (not much into sports...so if I botched that, eh). I've been inactive all day long and it feels really relaxing. We ordered pizza for dinner, I broke a plate, washed even more, and now, I'm doing this.

So, here comes the analysis: I've realized that I've dragged a dead relationship (tch. I avoid spending time with him...I choose Jeremy's company over his this summer!) on for too long, I've lost a conscience, learned some secrets, kept secrets, told lies, told the truth where I never expected it, tole more truth without batting an eye than I've ever managed with this person, and gained some more friends. I've had laughs, I've cried, I've beaten myself up, I've realized so many things, and I confused myself. I wouldn't trade what happened over this trip for anything...it's all of it that defined the trip and giving up a bit of it would ruin the reality and truth in it. I realize just how horrible I am, just how much I've wanted certain things, certain liberties, certain allowances. I've come to realize that it's more than being bored in this relationship, it's more than not being physically attracted to James, it's more than not wanting to ruin his innocence. I don't want to bother anymore. I can't get into a relationship just for fun...I know that these things aren't permanent...and I don't get so picky. I mean, if my next relationship would be the one I had to stick with for the rest of my life, I'd actually be picky...I'd actually analyze, follow, and get to know this person to the fullest extent. I wouldn't be playing for challenges...I'd be playing for real...but life isn't like that and no matter what, I will still be playing for challenges. I will still revolve my life around these games I love so much.

So, I realized that worry and uncontrollable fear feels like. It's not like nightmare fear...more an insecurity that you are helpless over. There's this creeping feeling that moves to the pit of my stomache, pulling and twisting to the point of discomfort. It's the worst feeling I've ever had, worse than the pain of anything I've ever had before - they were all physical. And the thing is...I think that's what I've done with my guilt. Instead of feeling guilty and such about things, I get this creeping discomfort, the manifestation of emotion that I've banished from my concious mind. You know...I've realized just how brutal, cold and heartless I could really be.

You know...I'm sort of writing this so that when I'm in college or out of college in the future, I can come back and look back on everything I've ever thought, everything I've ever done, and I want to be able to smile back and realize that he was right: I have grown as a person.

-I Need To Stop This Carousel Before It Throws Me
Scarlet Bloodmoon

P.S. I really like my password hint: "The sad thing is, I only do it to watch the soft fibers melt in the flames I later apply"

Chauvinistic

Sorry, definitely overdue and such, but that's how I've been lately. I'm writing this as I'm trying to stay up till I have to leave for the airport at 4 am. There hasn't been much to write about, to analyze, to laugh about. I mean, I could go on about things that I haven't told anyone, hoping that the anonymity of the internet will save me, but then what's that to my readers? I could talk about my exciting trips I have coming up, but then I feel like I'm bragging. I could talk about how much better I've been getting with...friendships, reigning over my demon, analyzing people, taking my pride to extremes where it's not my true sin anymore, or anything along those lines.

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Damn, I have the cutest little Jack Russell Terrier ever
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I live an ironic life...the people I ignore end up the most important to me over and over again. The people I've wanted have either become unappealing or a possibility that will never be likely. People that have at one time avoided me now confide in me, and the people that become the closest always end up annoying me. I guess it's just one of those things, though, you know?

We all have some pretty deep and twisted secrets, most of us have piles and piles, and others have one or two that they never realize are secrets. Wow...thinking back, I definitely have my share...and what the hell? Let's share some!

You know what's horrible? I really want to consider taking up every offer Silver has made to me. We should hang out this summer, gaming and such. We should get me as drunk as possible and strand me in the middle of Tempe once I turn 18. I should go bug him for a tour around the college he goes to, it's a beautiful place. The saddest thing: I really want to know how good he is...Maybe this is just hormones and the whole "being fertile and looking for sex" stage of this month, but I haven't been this hot-blooded since...I don't even know. And the coupe-de-grace on this ugly mess...well, there are two of them...he's dating someone and knowing that stings a little bit, and secondly...I have a boyfriend...who I won't let close enough to have sex with.

You know what? Thinking back, I really have to challenge Bella's judgment in things. I mean, she's in a relationship doomed to failure, but here she is criticizing the relationship potential in general of guys that she's never spent more than a week with. Or how she thinks that by getting into a relationship with Napoleon, I will become even more cynical and cruel, when really I'm not going to change very much. I love how she assured me that this relationship is the safest bet I have, and look where I am now...I'm bored and I think he's too easy to take down. I can't imagine ever moving past where we are now, and still, I joke just as easily about bondage and sex with him. This isn't good for me. I'm quite sure that if I were in any other relationship, this wouldn't be the main problem. What really started this whole rant though, is the fact that I told her about the lack of growth in this relationship and the first thing she asked was if I had any back-up plans in mind. Well, she wanted to know who my next potential victims were. I had one in mind, someone I could laugh with, someone who I rather enjoyed spending time with, chatting with, but really, knew that is would never work...Not to the best extreme. The first thing out of her mouth was negative. "He's not a good boyfriend. He's not worth the time. He's poison." No, she didn't really say that, but hey, she implied it. She wouldn't know! When was the last time she actually spent time to talk to him? When was the last time she actually spent time at all considering his character? Oh right. After he broke up with a person she really couldn't care less about, but still pretends to coddle. I gave up...I really started to lose my respect for her now. It's really hard to see why so many people could stand to pretend for so long...

I like having a lot to say about things....Well, for anyone interested, I have a new blog, one I plan on sugar-coating so that it is acceptable to people. This one is being hidden a little bit more, but only because I don't like having my shit hit the fan. Maybe, once all of these people are out of my life...(like I go to an out-of-state college, but neh) I won't hide anymore...

Blog = http://lilithrogue.blogspot.com

Final update (as I'm typing this June 15, 2008 2:21 am): I'm leaving for the airport in less than 2 hours. I've been up so far...maybe I will fall asleep on the plane...maybe I'll just pull an all-nighter thing and be up for...36 hours when I get there...or something. Beats jet lag!

-Is There Something Wrong With the Way I Treat People?
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Processing Emotions: This May Slow Normal Run Time

It started with a simple statement: "Friends are people who will pick up a phone call at 1 in the morning just because you couldn't sleep and have a lot on your mind you would like to talk out." From there, since I can't let anything go without trying it, I wondered who would pick up a phone call from me in the wee hours of the night. And from there, I started wondering if the person I want to spend the rest of my life with (and through large amounts of being cynical, he remains faceless and nameless to me) would go further than that: would he come find me and make me feel better if I ever needed him to?

When I get like that, there is a suffocating feeling, like I'm drowning in all of my pondering and there is nothing that can get me out of it. I still function, but I do it at a much groggier pace. I'm working at 110% and something's slowing me down. It feels like something is slowly picking away at my heart, the numbing anesthetic I had pulled over the fragile emotions blocking most of the pain and discomfort, but I can feel something pulling at the tissue. I can feel what I know as truth fall away and I'm actually confused for a little bit. Eventually, someone notices that I'm gone too long, that I'm missing and they come and look for me. Throwing out a lifeline, I grab hold and try to amble back to shore. As soon as I touch land again, I go back to being the evil, cynical, and cryptic person I tend to be.

It's through these little musings that I realize my life is pretty much set. I realize that there are people who will pick up the phone at 3 in the morning, even, just to comfort me. I realize that there are people who pay attention to the small details about me, the details that I thought only I would take the time remembering. I realize that my relationships with these people are better than the relationships and friendships I have with normal people: every single one of these people who excel at making me happy, I have an abnormal friendship with. I realize just exactly how well I have it all.

So, I watched Juno for the second time tonight. I don't know what it is about the film, but it makes me cry every time. Maybe it's because I really want to be able to find someone like Paulie Bleaker, someone who just knows things without being told. Maybe it's because I realize just how many people I shouldn't even consider worth my time...Maybe it's because I want things to be that storybook and no matter what, they will never be.

So I realize that I am a demoness that thrives for physical contact. I feel best curled against someone, within someone's embrace, having someone stroke my hair in that manner where it's like they put their whole heart into a single motion of their hand. I love collecting stares and compliments, I love innocent kisses on the top of my head, I love light nibbles on the tips of my fingers, I love the little things that seem to mean nothing. I seem to love being worshiped, but at the same time, I want to work for that look in their eyes, the one where it looks like they want to settle me onto a pedestal and just...ravish me. Oh, and I love it when they play.

-Building Hybrid Fantasies: Please Insert CD 3 to Continue
Scarlet Bloodmoon

100 Things About Myself

I realize that most other blogs have one of these, but I thought this was a valid way for me to analyze myself or ponder aloud about things while my readers get to know me. This is me, this is what I've been wanting to say to people, this is what I want so many people to realize...This is your window to what really runs through me.

100 Things About Me:

1. I hate myself for not being about to make up my mind
2. It’s easy for me to hate the people closest to me (outside of family)
3. I still want my ex-boyfriend to be as happy as I wanted when we were going out.
4. I fantasize about things that I desperately want, but will never have
5. I doubt my abilities to get to where I want to be.
6. Nothing makes me feel more sexy and confident than when guys beg.
7. I’m too playful for my own good.
8. For the longest time, I “ignored” how far (physically) I’ve gotten with people.
9. Technically, I lost my virginity when I was 16.
10. I’m really a nymphomaniac most of the time, I just hide it well
11. It’s really hard for anyone to turn me on through physical means
12. No matter how many times anyone has tried, I have not died at the hands of another
13. In a roundabout way, I can say I loved/love giving blow jobs
14. I thought my previous relationship was perfect, and was proud of the fact that my best friend’s relationship seemed to be falling apart while mine was flourishing.
15. If given the chance, I would not get back with my ex…It’d ruin things
16. I like my mother more than I like my father
17. I make myself, knowingly or unknowingly, want what I can’t have
18. I also live life from challenge to challenge. I need something there to keep me fighting.
19. I kind of hope he still has the journal I gave him for our six month anniversary and hope that he will read through it again one day.
20. I feel left out from all of my friends when I’m single. Everyone around me is happy with a significant other, and I’m stuck sitting alone…
21. I was considering a relationship with almost 7 different people, but I will never really get the chance to ever start any of the relationships.
22. I have no second thoughts on dressing in the skimpiest things I could ever own
23. I am known for dressing like a Japanese school girl just for fun
24. I live for conflict.
25. I have no problem in sacrificing people for the greater good, I’d never personally sacrifice someone though
26. I’d be fine giving blood, and I love watching the needle go in, I just hate the feeling of weakness I get afterwards
27. I have so many masks, I don’t know who I really am anymore
28. I like bragging about how busy I am, so I find distractions and reasons for me to “get involved”
29. The most interesting contest I had with any boyfriend was a “trashy romance” write-off where we shared one of our sexual fantasies
30. I made bets with him so I could persuade him to do sugary, romantic stuff without having to ask for it.
31. Sometimes, I wish life was a little more “No Strings Attached”
32. Any use of second person outside of my blog probably refers to my ex
33. I’m picky about my weight and won’t settle for anything greater than 115 lbs
34. I’ve never smoked pot, but I’ve been in a room full of people smoking, so I bet I’ve been high before
35. In fact, I’ve never smoked, but my lungs are probably tarred up anyways because my dad used to
36. I hate the smell of cigarette smoke, and when Jeremy does smell like it, I can’t stand it
37. I’ve never been fully drunk…
38. And I really want to find some really close friend that would never judge me and get drunk with them so that I know how I react when drunk.
39. The first thing I plan on buying when I’m 18 is straight out of a sex shop just because
40. I don’t like risking it when it comes to people – I’m thinking someone might really like me, but I don’t want to call them out on it.
41. I think half the time, I’m just looking for sex, but the other half, I’m trying to reign in my Vixen.
42. I’m proud of being a nerd…and while I might not be the best nerd, I take pride in knowing that I’m the best damn female nerd around.
43. I really want to go to a college where the male to female ratio is ridiculous so that there are like…10 males to every female.
44. At this point, whichever college gives me the highest scholarship, I’m going there.
45. I cave easily into suggestion…especially if they know I hate saying no.
46. I really don’t think I can finish this with 100 valid points.
47. I still have a slight crush on this guy that I had liked since I was 12. I am 17, it’s been five years, and through all of my relationships and adventures, I still think I want him a little.
48. Sometimes, I wish I could be strong enough to really hurt people.
49. I am three weeks into a relationship and I think we need to talk…
50. I love sappy and romantic movies
51. But I also love watching people being blown to bits or killed in unimaginative ways.
52. I have a really weak stomach for torture.
53. I’ve had very little chances or offers to get drunk…I’ve turned down all of them
54. The most amusing present I gave myself was a pair of fishnet stockings and a garter belt
55. I like dressing up only to be able to tease people about it
56. I don’t like telling people things, I want to show them.
57. I’ve had a bouquet of roses for five months, sitting on my desk. Every time I glance at them, I wonder if any of my ex boyfriends would have given me flowers.
58. Of all the times my boyfriend has asked me to name a prize, I always pick the small simple things. I know I can ask for more, but really, I just want old skeleton keys.
59. I would like to think that I am very low maintenance.
60. I still sleep with a stuffed bear I got on Valentine’s Day of 2007.
61. I don’t think my best friend could ever really comprehend the full depth of some of the friendships I have with the people around us.
62. She is still convinced that my ex boyfriends are sent from hell and refuses to consider it otherwise.
63. There is one exception. She didn’t really know either of us when we were dating.
64. Out of my past relationships, there is only one friendship I have with my exes that I would like to change
65. I love quoting my writing
66. I love leaving little hints in hopes that someone would come and read them and ask about it.
67. I am an awkward beginner, but given time, I can master anything.
68. I will listen to any music at least once if someone suggests it to me and I respect their opinion and suggestions.
69. The best way to interest me is to start talking about literature or music
70. I love the way a cello sounds
71. I get really mean when I’m tired.
72. I hate that people wish they had my body. I hate my body. What is good about it?
73. Anyone who wishes they had my body forgets that I am 32A, have a horrible BMI, and desperately need to exercise.
74. The most meaningful conversations are the ones where he makes me realize just how powerful I am
75. For the longest time, I’ve always wanted to start a band and write a song
76. I would have played the bass and sang because it’s not expected.
77. I love defying social norms
78. Sometimes, I’m afraid of my own reflection.
79. It always looks like I could cry at any moment
80. I am quietly prejudiced against almost anything.
81. I love helping people through their problems. It gives me this feeling of use.
82. I’m afraid of letting people into who I really am if they don’t need to be.
83. I do a lot of stuff out of convenience
84. I need to have control over what changes about me or I’m stuck hating myself
85. That is why I dye my hair in weird colors
86. I’ve always thought I was invisible, even among all the achievements I’ve received.
87. I can’t be a horrible person to those that have burrowed into familial status
88. I have enough self-doubt to think I’m a horrible role model.
89. Answering questions allows me to realize the important things that lead up to finding the answer.
90. I love it when people ask me questions
91. I take small victories. It sounds like settling for less, but I think it’s me trying to keep from falling into despair.
92. I get good at analogies when analyzing people
93. I love herbal and soapy scents.
94. I have something against floral or fruity scents
95. I feel powerful when people I don’t know turn to their friends and ask why I do things
96. I should suck at giving advice, but people still come to me for it…
97. Incompetence or lack of skill bugs me
98. I’m ticklish
99. I prefer the company of guys than of girls. Guys just have a way of making me forget my insecurities.
100. If you haven’t noticed, I hate myself, I have low confidence and self-esteem, and the only reason I keep going is because I can pretend and act like another person.

Conspiracy

So, let's get analytical. As horrible as it may sound, my relationship is wrapping up its third week and already, I'm wondering about potential vanilla cakes. To be perfectly honest, this one has been at the back of my mind for...seven months. I don't really know how it'd work out (as I haven't really tried to run through what I believe a simulation would be like), but this is just one of the people that just appeal to me because of the fact that we both enjoy torturing a mutual friend. I mean sure, it's deeper than that, but sometimes, it just feels like I want people for the sake of a challenge. Who knows? We shall see.

In other news, my mother suspects me of being bulimic. I don't know...She's weird like that. We went out to Ikea and I bought a new bedspread (black...for the large amount of not messing it up I plan to do *cough*) and a denim pillowcase I plan to seamstress and transform into a bag. Yesh. I also bought a vase and I was planning on presenting to my mother tomorrow for Mother's Day...Poor soul has to work that day.

(Side note, I feel fat...not sure why, must be the amount of exercise I'm not doing...)

You know, no one is truly tempting in the way that I just have to jump them any time I see them. My demonic and mischievous side has started to get desperate and is no longer picky as to who she attacks, as long as they are slightly attractive...which ironically means she will not attack my boyfriend...but it's not like there is this one special person she has set aside for...pursuit. I'm not going to lie, the more time I spend with Snake, the easier he is getting...He's too desperate for anything that he'd cave into anything I'd ask. I don't know why all of these boys have to be so easy...I mean, where's the fun in the chase if they don't even run?

I think that the way I analyze people is different from the way normal people think. If I were any of the people I tell things to, I'd be acting different around me just because of all the things I've told them. I've confided in people that I need challenge, but they still let me win. They still make things easy for me, they still come to me for help. There's nothing wrong with them coming to me for help, but these people don't have anything I want in return. I need someone to compete with, I need someone to beat me in things. I think that's why I still quietly compete with Cale. He's not going to stop trying for my sake, so he's one of the only people who actually give a fight. It's always been about the highest score or the best compliments. It's always been a friendly competition.

Just by providing me with your habits and the small things you do, I can tell just how you will act to certain things. I know I can read people. I know how people act and how they are used to things. I know that Bella and Otter are afraid of change so they are still in their relationship. I know what to expect from people, I know why they do things. Isn't it scary to know how the human mind works to this degree? Isn't it scary to know you are right about things you don't want to be right about?

-19 Dried Roses, Would You Have Added More?
Scarlet Bloodmoon