I can't get into a relationship just for fun...I know that these things aren't permanent...and I don't get so picky. I mean, if my next relationship would be the one I had to stick with for the rest of my life, I'd actually be picky...I'd actually analyze, follow, and get to know this person to the fullest extent. I wouldn't be playing for challenges...I'd be playing for real...but life isn't like that and no matter what, I will still be playing for challenges. I will still revolve my life around these games I love so much.
Written in June, I was reading over this before something clicked. After talking everything out with James the other day, he asked if we had stayed friends instead of getting into a relationship the first time, would we have a relationship today. Would we have talked about as much as we did when I was in Europe? He thought so. Then yes. He asked if that was what really brought back the relationship, if he was the only person I really talked to. Yes and no. The amounts of talking didn't do it, it was getting to know him. It was realizing that I had played for the challenge the first time, and finding that he was perfect if I wanted to play for real.
That totally means that I've matured enough to consider things for real! That totally means that I'm no longer playing to maintain a pattern or to prove a point, I'm doing this for real. This time, it's real. I'm glad I'm changing. I know it's for the better and I'm glad that I'm finally becoming someone better than who I've been. Let's hope I'm never foolish enough to play for challenges anymore.
-My Life is Perfect
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title from: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Relient K
Showing posts with label Reformations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reformations. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Reincarnation
July was very fun. I totally changed so much in Europe. Classes are fun, except for I'm stuck in PE and totally unwilling to lose any of my other classes to see if I can get into dance instead. BUT! Apparently, there is a 4th hour Stats class which makes me wonder why I'm not in Calc BC along with Stats...What?
So, I officially listen to any kind of music. ANYTHING. I used to be "Anything but rap and country." Nope. Not anymore. Now I'm wondering who is changing me. Well, I guess my brothers have a huge part in this...what with all the rap they listen to.
Eh. I feel this is going to be a really short post. Nothing really new happening...Definitely want to play the piano, but the keyboard is in Jeremy's room and I hate going in there, my fingerboard on my violin collapsed again. I could pick up the clarinet or the trumpet, but eh, not my style.
Random closing thought: Reincarnation was my password, and the hint was something like: "I can only hope that someday, it will happen." It did.
-"In perfect stillness, frankly, I've only found sorrow."
Scarlet Bloodmoon
So, I officially listen to any kind of music. ANYTHING. I used to be "Anything but rap and country." Nope. Not anymore. Now I'm wondering who is changing me. Well, I guess my brothers have a huge part in this...what with all the rap they listen to.
Eh. I feel this is going to be a really short post. Nothing really new happening...Definitely want to play the piano, but the keyboard is in Jeremy's room and I hate going in there, my fingerboard on my violin collapsed again. I could pick up the clarinet or the trumpet, but eh, not my style.
Random closing thought: Reincarnation was my password, and the hint was something like: "I can only hope that someday, it will happen." It did.
-"In perfect stillness, frankly, I've only found sorrow."
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Saturday, July 19, 2008
I Lost Myself
So, from midnight till 4 in the morning, I was out clubbing. Two people from my Uncle's company/office invited Jeremy and I out for the night and Jeremy being the wild one who always needs to try something, accepted. I was included and hell, I went. For days now, I was done being proper, done with being so very pure. So, midnight, we hit a Cuban themed discotheque (as they are called) and a group of seven of us danced for maybe two hours. At first, it was a little awkward. The grown ups danced while three of us between the ages of 15 and 17 moved lightly. Later on, emboldened, I joined in. Jeremy was pretty much resistant the whole night so we just let him be. One of the people from work coerced me into dancing when salsa songs started playing. Finally, I let in, knowing that I'd probably never see anyone of those people again. Afterwards, we left to hop to a new place. We stopped by a coffeeshop and four of us started passing a joint around. It felt very different...kind of suffocating. I have to admit: taking plenty of small drags from the joint, I feel no different. Jeremy instantly got sick, like really tired and he threw up a bit. We decided he had too much and took him home. The rest of us went back to the first disco and enjoyed our time. I was really bold! This guy (total stranger) came up to me and smiled. I smiled back and in a matter of minutes (since everyone was doing some variation of the salsa), we were dancing. Like pressed together dancing. Like halfway through the dance, another came up to me, pulled his arms around me and I entertained that one for a little while. They left, work people came back from dropping off Jeremy, and after a bit, I was dancing with the same work person. At 4, the kicked us out. I had spent the better part of four hours dancing.
The thing is, I moved to everything. The amounts of techno they played, the rap, the salsa, the Bob Marley after we had come back from smoking a joint, anything and everything. The only thing I didn't do was dance with the 15 year old boy there. I kind of wanted to, but eh. Every little part of me was lost to this newer addition: an adventurous spirit, a careless and amused being. Cale got really mad at me once for saying I gave up on it all, but maybe this time, I really did. Maybe, I gave up on keeping appearances, on being pure or perfect or proper.
It kind of hurts to take deep breaths...and if I try hard enough, I can pull up a breath that tastes like marijuana. I'm so done writing. Night!
The thing is, I moved to everything. The amounts of techno they played, the rap, the salsa, the Bob Marley after we had come back from smoking a joint, anything and everything. The only thing I didn't do was dance with the 15 year old boy there. I kind of wanted to, but eh. Every little part of me was lost to this newer addition: an adventurous spirit, a careless and amused being. Cale got really mad at me once for saying I gave up on it all, but maybe this time, I really did. Maybe, I gave up on keeping appearances, on being pure or perfect or proper.
It kind of hurts to take deep breaths...and if I try hard enough, I can pull up a breath that tastes like marijuana. I'm so done writing. Night!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
God Help Me...Wait...
I don't have a god...
So this is the third day and second night in Maryland/Washington DC. The first day, getting to the airport, getting to the hotel, getting to our rooms, I realized that I was having so much fun with these people, that no matter how hard James was going to try to spend time with me, I wouldn't enjoy it as much as the time I spend with my NHD group. Most of these people I barely know. They are people that I know of, have heard things about for all of my schooling around them, but...I had never actually spent real time with any of them outside of class. So, getting here and quickly bonding with the three of the NHD kids and spending even more time hanging out with the three and Cale, I wanted to keep this trip to NHD kids. So, furthering the impending doom of my current relationship, I basically ignored and nonchalantly dodged through every attempt James made of trying to spend time with me. Well, I could have handled that one a bit better, but I didn't care. Basically, out of our five, there were two girls and three boys. We had two rooms, split by gender. The first night, Cale and I left the other three in the boys' room to finish our website or face the dragon-wrath of our teacher and eventually, after I was so frustrated with the whole thing and Cale started getting drowsy, I made him lie down on the couch (pull out bed thing) in our room while I sat on the bed trying to work a little more. Finally, at 2 in the morning he was officially asleep so I pulled the blanket from the bed, spread it over him and went to bed. We woke up a little before 7 and prepared to head off to meet the rest of the entire group. We went to Capitol Hill, the Supreme Court, and the Museum of Indian Americans. After that, we had an impromptu trip to the National Air and Space Museum. It was fun, a lot of walking, and a whole ton of rain on the way back.
Definitely happy about the rain. I had brought an umbrella and ended up lending it away as I enjoyed my trek home through the rain. It was pretty...all the green soaked in tiny drops of water, the slightest movement would send millions of little drops of water crashing down to the floor - or my face, whichever was underneath.
The rain cleared up shortly after we got back to the hotel. The three went swimming until they came back and headed off for the NHD dance. As much fun it would have been to see what seemed like socially inept children "dance," Cale and I were lazy and helped one of the three burn DVDs and watched TV. By the end of the night, we all ended up in the boys' room, forcing one of the guys to retreat to the girls' room. Slept late, woke up lazy and didn't want to really get out of bed. The Sofa-bed thing was comfortable though.
Next morning (Tuesday), we all had our competition interviews. Cale and I were to go first, and after rushing out the door, getting lost, and having an interesting and amusing trip, we were a little late. We actually ran into one of the judges looking for us. It was pretty entertaining. The interview was alright: they were overly nice and knew quite a bit about our topic. Cool. We got back, watched tv and Angel, got food, watched more Angel, other three got back, watched more Angel, walked around a little, planned to go to the movies, didn't...came back and watched Game 6 of the NBA Finals (not much into sports...so if I botched that, eh). I've been inactive all day long and it feels really relaxing. We ordered pizza for dinner, I broke a plate, washed even more, and now, I'm doing this.
So, here comes the analysis: I've realized that I've dragged a dead relationship (tch. I avoid spending time with him...I choose Jeremy's company over his this summer!) on for too long, I've lost a conscience, learned some secrets, kept secrets, told lies, told the truth where I never expected it, tole more truth without batting an eye than I've ever managed with this person, and gained some more friends. I've had laughs, I've cried, I've beaten myself up, I've realized so many things, and I confused myself. I wouldn't trade what happened over this trip for anything...it's all of it that defined the trip and giving up a bit of it would ruin the reality and truth in it. I realize just how horrible I am, just how much I've wanted certain things, certain liberties, certain allowances. I've come to realize that it's more than being bored in this relationship, it's more than not being physically attracted to James, it's more than not wanting to ruin his innocence. I don't want to bother anymore. I can't get into a relationship just for fun...I know that these things aren't permanent...and I don't get so picky. I mean, if my next relationship would be the one I had to stick with for the rest of my life, I'd actually be picky...I'd actually analyze, follow, and get to know this person to the fullest extent. I wouldn't be playing for challenges...I'd be playing for real...but life isn't like that and no matter what, I will still be playing for challenges. I will still revolve my life around these games I love so much.
So, I realized that worry and uncontrollable fear feels like. It's not like nightmare fear...more an insecurity that you are helpless over. There's this creeping feeling that moves to the pit of my stomache, pulling and twisting to the point of discomfort. It's the worst feeling I've ever had, worse than the pain of anything I've ever had before - they were all physical. And the thing is...I think that's what I've done with my guilt. Instead of feeling guilty and such about things, I get this creeping discomfort, the manifestation of emotion that I've banished from my concious mind. You know...I've realized just how brutal, cold and heartless I could really be.
You know...I'm sort of writing this so that when I'm in college or out of college in the future, I can come back and look back on everything I've ever thought, everything I've ever done, and I want to be able to smile back and realize that he was right: I have grown as a person.
-I Need To Stop This Carousel Before It Throws Me
Scarlet Bloodmoon
P.S. I really like my password hint: "The sad thing is, I only do it to watch the soft fibers melt in the flames I later apply"
So this is the third day and second night in Maryland/Washington DC. The first day, getting to the airport, getting to the hotel, getting to our rooms, I realized that I was having so much fun with these people, that no matter how hard James was going to try to spend time with me, I wouldn't enjoy it as much as the time I spend with my NHD group. Most of these people I barely know. They are people that I know of, have heard things about for all of my schooling around them, but...I had never actually spent real time with any of them outside of class. So, getting here and quickly bonding with the three of the NHD kids and spending even more time hanging out with the three and Cale, I wanted to keep this trip to NHD kids. So, furthering the impending doom of my current relationship, I basically ignored and nonchalantly dodged through every attempt James made of trying to spend time with me. Well, I could have handled that one a bit better, but I didn't care. Basically, out of our five, there were two girls and three boys. We had two rooms, split by gender. The first night, Cale and I left the other three in the boys' room to finish our website or face the dragon-wrath of our teacher and eventually, after I was so frustrated with the whole thing and Cale started getting drowsy, I made him lie down on the couch (pull out bed thing) in our room while I sat on the bed trying to work a little more. Finally, at 2 in the morning he was officially asleep so I pulled the blanket from the bed, spread it over him and went to bed. We woke up a little before 7 and prepared to head off to meet the rest of the entire group. We went to Capitol Hill, the Supreme Court, and the Museum of Indian Americans. After that, we had an impromptu trip to the National Air and Space Museum. It was fun, a lot of walking, and a whole ton of rain on the way back.
Definitely happy about the rain. I had brought an umbrella and ended up lending it away as I enjoyed my trek home through the rain. It was pretty...all the green soaked in tiny drops of water, the slightest movement would send millions of little drops of water crashing down to the floor - or my face, whichever was underneath.
The rain cleared up shortly after we got back to the hotel. The three went swimming until they came back and headed off for the NHD dance. As much fun it would have been to see what seemed like socially inept children "dance," Cale and I were lazy and helped one of the three burn DVDs and watched TV. By the end of the night, we all ended up in the boys' room, forcing one of the guys to retreat to the girls' room. Slept late, woke up lazy and didn't want to really get out of bed. The Sofa-bed thing was comfortable though.
Next morning (Tuesday), we all had our competition interviews. Cale and I were to go first, and after rushing out the door, getting lost, and having an interesting and amusing trip, we were a little late. We actually ran into one of the judges looking for us. It was pretty entertaining. The interview was alright: they were overly nice and knew quite a bit about our topic. Cool. We got back, watched tv and Angel, got food, watched more Angel, other three got back, watched more Angel, walked around a little, planned to go to the movies, didn't...came back and watched Game 6 of the NBA Finals (not much into sports...so if I botched that, eh). I've been inactive all day long and it feels really relaxing. We ordered pizza for dinner, I broke a plate, washed even more, and now, I'm doing this.
So, here comes the analysis: I've realized that I've dragged a dead relationship (tch. I avoid spending time with him...I choose Jeremy's company over his this summer!) on for too long, I've lost a conscience, learned some secrets, kept secrets, told lies, told the truth where I never expected it, tole more truth without batting an eye than I've ever managed with this person, and gained some more friends. I've had laughs, I've cried, I've beaten myself up, I've realized so many things, and I confused myself. I wouldn't trade what happened over this trip for anything...it's all of it that defined the trip and giving up a bit of it would ruin the reality and truth in it. I realize just how horrible I am, just how much I've wanted certain things, certain liberties, certain allowances. I've come to realize that it's more than being bored in this relationship, it's more than not being physically attracted to James, it's more than not wanting to ruin his innocence. I don't want to bother anymore. I can't get into a relationship just for fun...I know that these things aren't permanent...and I don't get so picky. I mean, if my next relationship would be the one I had to stick with for the rest of my life, I'd actually be picky...I'd actually analyze, follow, and get to know this person to the fullest extent. I wouldn't be playing for challenges...I'd be playing for real...but life isn't like that and no matter what, I will still be playing for challenges. I will still revolve my life around these games I love so much.
So, I realized that worry and uncontrollable fear feels like. It's not like nightmare fear...more an insecurity that you are helpless over. There's this creeping feeling that moves to the pit of my stomache, pulling and twisting to the point of discomfort. It's the worst feeling I've ever had, worse than the pain of anything I've ever had before - they were all physical. And the thing is...I think that's what I've done with my guilt. Instead of feeling guilty and such about things, I get this creeping discomfort, the manifestation of emotion that I've banished from my concious mind. You know...I've realized just how brutal, cold and heartless I could really be.
You know...I'm sort of writing this so that when I'm in college or out of college in the future, I can come back and look back on everything I've ever thought, everything I've ever done, and I want to be able to smile back and realize that he was right: I have grown as a person.
-I Need To Stop This Carousel Before It Throws Me
Scarlet Bloodmoon
P.S. I really like my password hint: "The sad thing is, I only do it to watch the soft fibers melt in the flames I later apply"
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Chauvinistic
Sorry, definitely overdue and such, but that's how I've been lately. I'm writing this as I'm trying to stay up till I have to leave for the airport at 4 am. There hasn't been much to write about, to analyze, to laugh about. I mean, I could go on about things that I haven't told anyone, hoping that the anonymity of the internet will save me, but then what's that to my readers? I could talk about my exciting trips I have coming up, but then I feel like I'm bragging. I could talk about how much better I've been getting with...friendships, reigning over my demon, analyzing people, taking my pride to extremes where it's not my true sin anymore, or anything along those lines.
------
Damn, I have the cutest little Jack Russell Terrier ever
------
I live an ironic life...the people I ignore end up the most important to me over and over again. The people I've wanted have either become unappealing or a possibility that will never be likely. People that have at one time avoided me now confide in me, and the people that become the closest always end up annoying me. I guess it's just one of those things, though, you know?
We all have some pretty deep and twisted secrets, most of us have piles and piles, and others have one or two that they never realize are secrets. Wow...thinking back, I definitely have my share...and what the hell? Let's share some!
You know what's horrible? I really want to consider taking up every offer Silver has made to me. We should hang out this summer, gaming and such. We should get me as drunk as possible and strand me in the middle of Tempe once I turn 18. I should go bug him for a tour around the college he goes to, it's a beautiful place. The saddest thing: I really want to know how good he is...Maybe this is just hormones and the whole "being fertile and looking for sex" stage of this month, but I haven't been this hot-blooded since...I don't even know. And the coupe-de-grace on this ugly mess...well, there are two of them...he's dating someone and knowing that stings a little bit, and secondly...I have a boyfriend...who I won't let close enough to have sex with.
You know what? Thinking back, I really have to challenge Bella's judgment in things. I mean, she's in a relationship doomed to failure, but here she is criticizing the relationship potential in general of guys that she's never spent more than a week with. Or how she thinks that by getting into a relationship with Napoleon, I will become even more cynical and cruel, when really I'm not going to change very much. I love how she assured me that this relationship is the safest bet I have, and look where I am now...I'm bored and I think he's too easy to take down. I can't imagine ever moving past where we are now, and still, I joke just as easily about bondage and sex with him. This isn't good for me. I'm quite sure that if I were in any other relationship, this wouldn't be the main problem. What really started this whole rant though, is the fact that I told her about the lack of growth in this relationship and the first thing she asked was if I had any back-up plans in mind. Well, she wanted to know who my next potential victims were. I had one in mind, someone I could laugh with, someone who I rather enjoyed spending time with, chatting with, but really, knew that is would never work...Not to the best extreme. The first thing out of her mouth was negative. "He's not a good boyfriend. He's not worth the time. He's poison." No, she didn't really say that, but hey, she implied it. She wouldn't know! When was the last time she actually spent time to talk to him? When was the last time she actually spent time at all considering his character? Oh right. After he broke up with a person she really couldn't care less about, but still pretends to coddle. I gave up...I really started to lose my respect for her now. It's really hard to see why so many people could stand to pretend for so long...
I like having a lot to say about things....Well, for anyone interested, I have a new blog, one I plan on sugar-coating so that it is acceptable to people. This one is being hidden a little bit more, but only because I don't like having my shit hit the fan. Maybe, once all of these people are out of my life...(like I go to an out-of-state college, but neh) I won't hide anymore...
Blog = http://lilithrogue.blogspot.com
Final update (as I'm typing this June 15, 2008 2:21 am): I'm leaving for the airport in less than 2 hours. I've been up so far...maybe I will fall asleep on the plane...maybe I'll just pull an all-nighter thing and be up for...36 hours when I get there...or something. Beats jet lag!
-Is There Something Wrong With the Way I Treat People?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
------
Damn, I have the cutest little Jack Russell Terrier ever
------
I live an ironic life...the people I ignore end up the most important to me over and over again. The people I've wanted have either become unappealing or a possibility that will never be likely. People that have at one time avoided me now confide in me, and the people that become the closest always end up annoying me. I guess it's just one of those things, though, you know?
We all have some pretty deep and twisted secrets, most of us have piles and piles, and others have one or two that they never realize are secrets. Wow...thinking back, I definitely have my share...and what the hell? Let's share some!
You know what's horrible? I really want to consider taking up every offer Silver has made to me. We should hang out this summer, gaming and such. We should get me as drunk as possible and strand me in the middle of Tempe once I turn 18. I should go bug him for a tour around the college he goes to, it's a beautiful place. The saddest thing: I really want to know how good he is...Maybe this is just hormones and the whole "being fertile and looking for sex" stage of this month, but I haven't been this hot-blooded since...I don't even know. And the coupe-de-grace on this ugly mess...well, there are two of them...he's dating someone and knowing that stings a little bit, and secondly...I have a boyfriend...who I won't let close enough to have sex with.
You know what? Thinking back, I really have to challenge Bella's judgment in things. I mean, she's in a relationship doomed to failure, but here she is criticizing the relationship potential in general of guys that she's never spent more than a week with. Or how she thinks that by getting into a relationship with Napoleon, I will become even more cynical and cruel, when really I'm not going to change very much. I love how she assured me that this relationship is the safest bet I have, and look where I am now...I'm bored and I think he's too easy to take down. I can't imagine ever moving past where we are now, and still, I joke just as easily about bondage and sex with him. This isn't good for me. I'm quite sure that if I were in any other relationship, this wouldn't be the main problem. What really started this whole rant though, is the fact that I told her about the lack of growth in this relationship and the first thing she asked was if I had any back-up plans in mind. Well, she wanted to know who my next potential victims were. I had one in mind, someone I could laugh with, someone who I rather enjoyed spending time with, chatting with, but really, knew that is would never work...Not to the best extreme. The first thing out of her mouth was negative. "He's not a good boyfriend. He's not worth the time. He's poison." No, she didn't really say that, but hey, she implied it. She wouldn't know! When was the last time she actually spent time to talk to him? When was the last time she actually spent time at all considering his character? Oh right. After he broke up with a person she really couldn't care less about, but still pretends to coddle. I gave up...I really started to lose my respect for her now. It's really hard to see why so many people could stand to pretend for so long...
I like having a lot to say about things....Well, for anyone interested, I have a new blog, one I plan on sugar-coating so that it is acceptable to people. This one is being hidden a little bit more, but only because I don't like having my shit hit the fan. Maybe, once all of these people are out of my life...(like I go to an out-of-state college, but neh) I won't hide anymore...
Blog = http://lilithrogue.blogspot.com
Final update (as I'm typing this June 15, 2008 2:21 am): I'm leaving for the airport in less than 2 hours. I've been up so far...maybe I will fall asleep on the plane...maybe I'll just pull an all-nighter thing and be up for...36 hours when I get there...or something. Beats jet lag!
-Is There Something Wrong With the Way I Treat People?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Eh...Landscaping
You know what is silly? There are moments where I swear James pushes to a limit where I’m not expected to back down. In my hopeful moments, I wonder what he really wants and proceed to speculate freely (and oftentimes, it’s quite embarrassing to catch myself like that). In other moments, I shrug it off and wonder why he’s pushing his face so close to mine. Forgetting the moment, though, I stare into his eyes and wonder how I would act in a relationship with him. I’m not going to lie, after high school started, I’ve started getting more needy and physical. I mean…being the shallow and horrible person I am, I wouldn’t have any bit of a physical relationship with James. That’s why there are chocolate cakes and pieces of candy that I can freely take in. Well…somewhere, I think one of the reasons I’m so into the idea of a relationship is because deep down, there is a strong desire to prove that I am fully capable of an emotional relationship and somehow prove that I am the perfect girlfriend and can settle for the minimum…not that James is anything less than a wonderful guy.
There are moments of weakness where my little demoness wants an extra inch or two and snarls like an angry wolf when I rein her in tighter. I feel the random urge to give into this physical side where I set my demoness free and let her terrorize the male population. There are moments where people get close enough that I want to act out, but I’ve never let her go that far. I react to other people taking the initiative, but this time, I’m not starting anything. If he wants to kiss me, he’d have to do most of the work! I don’t know, there’s just something about the way I need to make myself appear to James, though, that keeps me on my best behavior around him. I mean, yes, I still make comments and think of these horribly raunchy thoughts, but I am better in his company than I am anywhere else. I don’t play as much and I am a lot more reserved. I knew he’d be good for me…
I’ve spent enough time with him in the past four months to really mean something, and recently, EVERYONE thinks we should start dating. I guess sometime between one of my last rants and like…yesterday, we’ve been lumped together as a couple for prom only because it was convenient and we were both going as singles anyways…Eh. It works. Bella thinks that it’s definitely obvious that I’m obsessed with him, so obvious that her oblivious Otter knows it. Well, then, wouldn’t that mean that eventually, I will get a direct approach thing so that I could stop obsessing?
Ooh! Side note, I got an application at Harkins, so I will fill it out eventually and turn it in. Eh. Not top priority, but sure.
I beam with pride every time he pats me on the head or says I did a good job. There is a level of knowing I am awesome every time he laughs at something silly that I’ve done. I’ve always been one to take small victories, so these small things really make me happy, you know? I’m finally getting my moments and when Bella is far away, there are comments thrown around that basically places me above her. I’ve never competed with Bella – ever. Not when I picked up an ex boyfriend of hers, not when we were both in relationships and life was all dandy and lollipops, not when we’ve competed together in competitions: she’s never been a real threat.
On this note, Bella’s been having a bit of turmoil in her relationship. I’m not going to lie; I’ve never submitted myself to this torture where I cared enough of how my time with a boyfriend was spent. I was glad to have time with him (especially after my parents went into lockdown mode) and it really didn’t matter what we were doing. Towards the end, I could have run on pure conversation. I didn’t need to see him. I was happy to see the amount of love in his eyes. I was flattered to know the privy things about him. I was amused when he presented me with cake. I guess most of it came from the fact that he was too mature for his age and whatever he did made me feel like he thought about me. He gave me a level of dominance that made me feel powerful and sexy, and so much flattered my ego and boosted my confidence that I just couldn’t stop and keel over until a new relationship after that one broke off.
I kept looking for that one hit of power and dominance. I kept looking for that one person who I could play with that would make me feel as fulfilled as he had. I never really found a person to do that, but I did find a number of people who would come to me for “favors.” I don’t want someone to keel over and wait to be abused, I wanted someone who would play along but let me get top for the sake of letting me feel powerful. I wanted someone who would let me think I had control and then easily take it away and dominate me. I want to be flattered and proven powerful and sexy, but I want to be submissive at the same time. I want to feel their power, that overwhelming force that I could take solace in, that I could be wrapped in and feel nothing else but their power over me. It’s kind of weird. I want to be worshiped and served a little, but on the other hand, I want them to strip me of all power and prove to me that they are worth running to when the day goes bad.
I swear I would so be into bondage and being tied up. I would love to be pinned down and held powerless as he slowly tortures me…Wow, that was a tangent…
I’ve stopped looking for the next game. I am happily and actively involved in a small-scale game where I try to be the cutest I can and casually interact with James, using slight amounts of physical contact. I mean, there are hugs (because I give most everyone hugs) and select moments, I choose to rest my head on his shoulder or pull closer to him or rest my hand in the crook of his arm (which is adorable because he’s way tall and it doesn’t really work that well). We’ve just gotten to a point where we’re being cute and annoying the heck out of everyone around us for not making sense at all. We randomly greet each other with “Good morning, how are you?” at any time of the day (especially past
Eh, nothing much else to talk about I guess…
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
There's So Much Left To Learn, And No One Left To Fight
I feel a little weird posting again after...about 13 hours, but I might as well get this over with.
Early this predawn Tuesday, I received strong advice against bits of my personality I've never been too fond of, yet secretly admire. I received advice asking me to consider the true value of my playtoys and ideal guys. (Wow...I have no reason why I prefer to call them playtoys...For some reason, it makes me feel more empowered to realize how tightly I've wound these people around my fingers. Now I'm wondering if I'll miss it when I leave all of them because they're bad for me.) Early this predawn Tuesday, before I wrote my last post, I've had to pull the small rambles I've done while sitting in my car alone, criticizing myself about how I simply can't see people for their personalities. In fact, I wrote a rant about it on one of my not-so-forgotten blogs.
"Well, I haven't been giving this one too much attention only because of all the crap I still have to do and the fact that I censor myself sometimes on this blog. I have a few more on my other one (if you need to know the URL, you already do) and that's probably the best place to look.
It's been a period full of turmoil and self-doubt. I watched as the people around me uprooted themselves and then planted themselves down again while I stood there, in the forest of moving trees, the only person around. I love all of the trees around me, but they are in no way a good match at all. None of them will nurture me like I need to be, none of them will be able to flip flop with me and my crazy mood swings. No one will be able to handle me. This period of watching the trees has made me wish I was still in a relationship. I loved being in one, and I am loving the freedom and playing, but I want someone warm to come back to. I just want to know that there is someone who will play when I want, but will really love me whether or not I flirt with them. I'm thinking of purging every single one of my games and just searching for an honest-to-god good boy that I can proudly take home to my family.
I was thinking about things again in my car. I hated myself for being so damn picky. I felt myself emotionally and mentally attracted to some guys (they're wonderful people and incredibly intelligent), but I guess I didn't find them trim-cut and perfect enough on the outside. A twinge of regret when hearing about his latest bouts of girl-troubles reminded me that I still admired him and wished I could be closer, but he was not cut out enough for the part. A spot of pride when he told the others that I was the closest to "his type" was quickly dashed when I told myself I didn't want him. His natural ability to ease up any moment and to produce the most information took second to the fact that I couldn't see myself with him. I'm so fickle.
I kind of just want to find the nearest decent relationship and go with it. I know for a fact that there's one that has the possibility of brewing in the next few weeks/months. There is another one-sided one that is probably still waiting for me. I don't want either of them. You know what the saddest thing is? I'm not in a postion to choose, but I want him to ask me, and I want him to be a nerdy-esque gamer guy. I want him to be into fantasy and fiction and be able to rant and rave about silly things like literature or...coding. I want him to be a nervous wreck and then I'd be able to smile, accept and brighten his day. I want him to understand the humor behind all the funny shirts that I find online and I want him to know what the hell I'm talking about all the time. I want to learn something from him, and I want him to learn something from me. I want to be able to get through weeks without the undying urge to strip him naked and have my way with him. I want to be able to chat cutely about menial things until I'm about to pass out from lack of sleep and then giggle when he falls asleep on the other side of the phone. It's really starting to sound like parts of my old crushes and relationships...Is it possible to splice the personalities of like five guys into one super-boyfriend?
I am an Olivia, a diva with no real desire to deal with the incessant sloshings of silly men. I am Viola, a quiet yet bold force that will do anything to get what she wants. I am Cleopatra, who, realizing what needed to be done, wasn't afraid or reserved at all about her gifts. I am Kathrina, a shrew by default, but willing to change the world for the man who deserves me. I am Desdemona, an innocent victim in a cruel game. I am Juliet, a foolish lover who fell to ruin as he did too. I am Lady MacBeth, an ambitious demon who drives those around me to danger. I am Ophelia, who drove herself to suicide after her love drove to insanity.
I am the women of Shakespeare - proper yet improper; proud yet humble; innocent yet deadly; beautiful yet scarred. I am the forces that keep the men around me tied to their nemesis, and I live for every moment their little leash catapults them back to me. I'm nothing but a modern, living archetype of who I've wanted to be since I was just a little child. I am the perfect combination of the people I've secretly wished to become.
Now, to find that romantic/comedic partner and wrap up my play.
-I Wish I Could Tell You, But Would You Really Listen?"
Coming from one of my older blogs, I posted this a little more than two weeks ago. (I don't know why I copied and pasted...most of the people if not all reading this already have that one...) I realized then what I was told 14-ish hours ago. I realized a lot about myself and while I haven't really seen anyone I play with for about two weeks, I still feel like I'm still playing with the people I shouldn't be playing with. I've formally decided to sever myself from all of the people that are destructive towards my health. Four or five names to ignore and pretend I'm not quietly storing away any bit of information because that's what I do.
What in the world is so hard about finding a nerdy Asian guy that I can take home to my family? Oh, that's right. I don't want someone who won't fight back. I want to be challenged and pushed to my limit - all in good fun. Gosh...the idea of splicing personalities and past relationships sounds so good right now...Too bad life isn't about becoming a modern Frankenstein and creating this..."perfect" counterpart.
I started this post with an intent to do some more reforming and somehow prove that I had more than physical qualities and sex on my mind. Well, the easiest place to start would be the three in my blog quote. James, Napoleon, and Pastry. Well, in the past two weeks, I've decided that Pastry wasn't a candidate at all, leaving me with James and Napoleon. I would like to point out that I haven't written anything at all about them physically. They are both very intelligent people that I've come to admire in the past three years. (What's hilarious is that both of them were in my English class last year...) The two of them have aren't exactly foils, but have little in common. As horrible as it may seem, Napoleon seems more intelligent than James, but James is more of a nerd than Napoleon.
Tristan...I seriously don't know very much about him. He's a really nice kid, a total bookworm, and definitely plays/played WoW, but other than that, I don't know why I really started liking him...Well, he's cute and has really pretty cursive, but I guess that's really as far as it goes....
Dante was proof that I just wanted what I told myself I couldn't have. I guess I never saw him as much, and really, is just a faint blur on the journey. Besides being musically inclined and a closet nerd, there really isn't much going for him.
Lucien is a really nice kid. I've known him since seventh grade, and really, his angsty vault of secrets may be deeper than anyone could expect, but he doesn't show it much. He's always cheery, and every time I pass him in the halls, or something, he always manages a greeting. He's really easy to talk to, and just has this air about him that makes me want to help. Sure, he has his share of drama and secrets, but that doesn't seem to affect his mask, and I admire him for so much. A part of me isn't sure if I only like him still to get back to my childhood or if there really is a reason why I want to baby him and make it all better.
And whether it be cruel or just honest, I can say that this desire is fulfilled with these prospects: "I want to be able to get through weeks without the undying urge to strip him naked and have my way with him."
-I Guess I Just Needed To Show You
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: Broken by Seether featuring Amy Lee
Early this predawn Tuesday, I received strong advice against bits of my personality I've never been too fond of, yet secretly admire. I received advice asking me to consider the true value of my playtoys and ideal guys. (Wow...I have no reason why I prefer to call them playtoys...For some reason, it makes me feel more empowered to realize how tightly I've wound these people around my fingers. Now I'm wondering if I'll miss it when I leave all of them because they're bad for me.) Early this predawn Tuesday, before I wrote my last post, I've had to pull the small rambles I've done while sitting in my car alone, criticizing myself about how I simply can't see people for their personalities. In fact, I wrote a rant about it on one of my not-so-forgotten blogs.
"Well, I haven't been giving this one too much attention only because of all the crap I still have to do and the fact that I censor myself sometimes on this blog. I have a few more on my other one (if you need to know the URL, you already do) and that's probably the best place to look.
It's been a period full of turmoil and self-doubt. I watched as the people around me uprooted themselves and then planted themselves down again while I stood there, in the forest of moving trees, the only person around. I love all of the trees around me, but they are in no way a good match at all. None of them will nurture me like I need to be, none of them will be able to flip flop with me and my crazy mood swings. No one will be able to handle me. This period of watching the trees has made me wish I was still in a relationship. I loved being in one, and I am loving the freedom and playing, but I want someone warm to come back to. I just want to know that there is someone who will play when I want, but will really love me whether or not I flirt with them. I'm thinking of purging every single one of my games and just searching for an honest-to-god good boy that I can proudly take home to my family.
I was thinking about things again in my car. I hated myself for being so damn picky. I felt myself emotionally and mentally attracted to some guys (they're wonderful people and incredibly intelligent), but I guess I didn't find them trim-cut and perfect enough on the outside. A twinge of regret when hearing about his latest bouts of girl-troubles reminded me that I still admired him and wished I could be closer, but he was not cut out enough for the part. A spot of pride when he told the others that I was the closest to "his type" was quickly dashed when I told myself I didn't want him. His natural ability to ease up any moment and to produce the most information took second to the fact that I couldn't see myself with him. I'm so fickle.
I kind of just want to find the nearest decent relationship and go with it. I know for a fact that there's one that has the possibility of brewing in the next few weeks/months. There is another one-sided one that is probably still waiting for me. I don't want either of them. You know what the saddest thing is? I'm not in a postion to choose, but I want him to ask me, and I want him to be a nerdy-esque gamer guy. I want him to be into fantasy and fiction and be able to rant and rave about silly things like literature or...coding. I want him to be a nervous wreck and then I'd be able to smile, accept and brighten his day. I want him to understand the humor behind all the funny shirts that I find online and I want him to know what the hell I'm talking about all the time. I want to learn something from him, and I want him to learn something from me. I want to be able to get through weeks without the undying urge to strip him naked and have my way with him. I want to be able to chat cutely about menial things until I'm about to pass out from lack of sleep and then giggle when he falls asleep on the other side of the phone. It's really starting to sound like parts of my old crushes and relationships...Is it possible to splice the personalities of like five guys into one super-boyfriend?
I am an Olivia, a diva with no real desire to deal with the incessant sloshings of silly men. I am Viola, a quiet yet bold force that will do anything to get what she wants. I am Cleopatra, who, realizing what needed to be done, wasn't afraid or reserved at all about her gifts. I am Kathrina, a shrew by default, but willing to change the world for the man who deserves me. I am Desdemona, an innocent victim in a cruel game. I am Juliet, a foolish lover who fell to ruin as he did too. I am Lady MacBeth, an ambitious demon who drives those around me to danger. I am Ophelia, who drove herself to suicide after her love drove to insanity.
I am the women of Shakespeare - proper yet improper; proud yet humble; innocent yet deadly; beautiful yet scarred. I am the forces that keep the men around me tied to their nemesis, and I live for every moment their little leash catapults them back to me. I'm nothing but a modern, living archetype of who I've wanted to be since I was just a little child. I am the perfect combination of the people I've secretly wished to become.
Now, to find that romantic/comedic partner and wrap up my play.
-I Wish I Could Tell You, But Would You Really Listen?"
Coming from one of my older blogs, I posted this a little more than two weeks ago. (I don't know why I copied and pasted...most of the people if not all reading this already have that one...) I realized then what I was told 14-ish hours ago. I realized a lot about myself and while I haven't really seen anyone I play with for about two weeks, I still feel like I'm still playing with the people I shouldn't be playing with. I've formally decided to sever myself from all of the people that are destructive towards my health. Four or five names to ignore and pretend I'm not quietly storing away any bit of information because that's what I do.
What in the world is so hard about finding a nerdy Asian guy that I can take home to my family? Oh, that's right. I don't want someone who won't fight back. I want to be challenged and pushed to my limit - all in good fun. Gosh...the idea of splicing personalities and past relationships sounds so good right now...Too bad life isn't about becoming a modern Frankenstein and creating this..."perfect" counterpart.
I started this post with an intent to do some more reforming and somehow prove that I had more than physical qualities and sex on my mind. Well, the easiest place to start would be the three in my blog quote. James, Napoleon, and Pastry. Well, in the past two weeks, I've decided that Pastry wasn't a candidate at all, leaving me with James and Napoleon. I would like to point out that I haven't written anything at all about them physically. They are both very intelligent people that I've come to admire in the past three years. (What's hilarious is that both of them were in my English class last year...) The two of them have aren't exactly foils, but have little in common. As horrible as it may seem, Napoleon seems more intelligent than James, but James is more of a nerd than Napoleon.
Tristan...I seriously don't know very much about him. He's a really nice kid, a total bookworm, and definitely plays/played WoW, but other than that, I don't know why I really started liking him...Well, he's cute and has really pretty cursive, but I guess that's really as far as it goes....
Dante was proof that I just wanted what I told myself I couldn't have. I guess I never saw him as much, and really, is just a faint blur on the journey. Besides being musically inclined and a closet nerd, there really isn't much going for him.
Lucien is a really nice kid. I've known him since seventh grade, and really, his angsty vault of secrets may be deeper than anyone could expect, but he doesn't show it much. He's always cheery, and every time I pass him in the halls, or something, he always manages a greeting. He's really easy to talk to, and just has this air about him that makes me want to help. Sure, he has his share of drama and secrets, but that doesn't seem to affect his mask, and I admire him for so much. A part of me isn't sure if I only like him still to get back to my childhood or if there really is a reason why I want to baby him and make it all better.
And whether it be cruel or just honest, I can say that this desire is fulfilled with these prospects: "I want to be able to get through weeks without the undying urge to strip him naked and have my way with him."
-I Guess I Just Needed To Show You
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: Broken by Seether featuring Amy Lee
And My Weakness Is, That I Care Too Much
We canceled the crashing and put it off to today. Still, I'm not going to go, no matter how much begging will be done. I'm really enjoying where I am right now with a lot of things in my life. I don't want to ruin the friendships that I have now with these people, and really, why should I let someone easily talk me into something I really don't want to do?
I've always been easily pressured into things and I've never really regretted offering myself to make things easier. People have encouraged me to look out for myself or to just live for me, but I've always pushed their words aside and became a supporting character in my own play. (Wow, a lot of play and drama references...) Well, I guess this is me taking my first few steps towards actually taking the advice of these people who invest so much of their time talking me out of my bad decisions. I'm just afraid that the pressure outside of my little cave of my solitude will become too overpowering...
Well, you never know until you try.
(Edit: Seconds after posting, I felt like I wanted to add something. The following text until the divide is all from that decision)
I've told up to three people about a bad decision in the future. All of those three people have basically told me that I will decide on the "right" thing when the time comes. The thing is, I wanted these people to tell me that I was ridiculous and that I was wrong to be considering the immoral side of the events waiting for me. I wanted someone to either physically, virtually, or figuratively slap me and tell me that there was really no way in Hell, I would be allowed to even consider the immoral stuff. I realize now, that I'll be an adult, capable of judging the field way before I'm playing on it. I realize that I have to make my own decisions because these three people can't decide everything for me. I realize that the twinge of disappointment was probably rooted from the fact that no one can care after a certain point where I have to be responsible for my own actions. I realize, that from here on out, I'm cruising on nothing but suggestions and advice that I can choose to ignore if it fancied me.
That is the scariest realization I've ever come upon.
I don't know why this hurts, but it brings me back to a small argument I had with a friend towards the beginning of the school year. During that fight/argument, she talked about me to a third party while I was sitting right there, accusing me of things that I'll admit I did, but treating me like I wasn't there...or just wasn't good enough to be recognized. I sat there, my mind wandering to keep myself from focusing too hard and breaking down, but later, in the comfort and safety of a warm embrace, I cracked. The worst thing was, I felt sorry for screwing up with this presence in the past, and while the only reason I was crying was because I had just been attacked and made less worthy, I could only manage a weak apology for hurting him.
Time passed, things changed, and now, I'm making it feel like I'm baiting him, using my clever ways of catching attention to make him talk to me. In the past two conversations (because the first of the two is when I realized it), I've been waiting for him to use my name. I guess I deserve it, and every "babe" that taunts me from my screen is probably mocking me for my choice in petnames and "terms of endearment" that I resorted to while I was being immature.
For some reason, I keep hoping that while he's analyzing every single crack in my outlook on life or how I present myself, he'd actually address me by my name. I guess, I feel like if he's tearing apart my attitude and reactions towards life, my decisions and moral dilemmas, he'd personalize the experience a little bit and make it seem humane. Well...that's not the right word...realistic maybe? No...Well...I can't think of a word that isn't "personal"...because that's redundant. Moving on, I guess I'm expecting that since this is really the closest thing to actually building a friendship with this person, that there is some level of attachment and a bit of displayed emotion...I'm convinced that using my name instead of a label or petname would reach that level.
----
And since, this person does have the URL to the blog (though asked not to be talked about...Umm...I don't think this was the level of exposure he was concerned about...) I didn't really mean to tear my heart open (I'm a crafty girl like that...making allusions that tie in with my title) and use this as my soapbox to complain about it just for him to find it. In fact, it doesn't really hurt as much as it did the first time, it's now an annoyance I can stand...Well...Keeping true to the reason I started this blog, I'm going to report the major occurrences in my life along with the minor insecurities that make me the horrible person I am.
-I Feel Like I Should Be Signing Off
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title from: Scars by Papa Roach.
I've always been easily pressured into things and I've never really regretted offering myself to make things easier. People have encouraged me to look out for myself or to just live for me, but I've always pushed their words aside and became a supporting character in my own play. (Wow, a lot of play and drama references...) Well, I guess this is me taking my first few steps towards actually taking the advice of these people who invest so much of their time talking me out of my bad decisions. I'm just afraid that the pressure outside of my little cave of my solitude will become too overpowering...
Well, you never know until you try.
(Edit: Seconds after posting, I felt like I wanted to add something. The following text until the divide is all from that decision)
I've told up to three people about a bad decision in the future. All of those three people have basically told me that I will decide on the "right" thing when the time comes. The thing is, I wanted these people to tell me that I was ridiculous and that I was wrong to be considering the immoral side of the events waiting for me. I wanted someone to either physically, virtually, or figuratively slap me and tell me that there was really no way in Hell, I would be allowed to even consider the immoral stuff. I realize now, that I'll be an adult, capable of judging the field way before I'm playing on it. I realize that I have to make my own decisions because these three people can't decide everything for me. I realize that the twinge of disappointment was probably rooted from the fact that no one can care after a certain point where I have to be responsible for my own actions. I realize, that from here on out, I'm cruising on nothing but suggestions and advice that I can choose to ignore if it fancied me.
That is the scariest realization I've ever come upon.
I don't know why this hurts, but it brings me back to a small argument I had with a friend towards the beginning of the school year. During that fight/argument, she talked about me to a third party while I was sitting right there, accusing me of things that I'll admit I did, but treating me like I wasn't there...or just wasn't good enough to be recognized. I sat there, my mind wandering to keep myself from focusing too hard and breaking down, but later, in the comfort and safety of a warm embrace, I cracked. The worst thing was, I felt sorry for screwing up with this presence in the past, and while the only reason I was crying was because I had just been attacked and made less worthy, I could only manage a weak apology for hurting him.
Time passed, things changed, and now, I'm making it feel like I'm baiting him, using my clever ways of catching attention to make him talk to me. In the past two conversations (because the first of the two is when I realized it), I've been waiting for him to use my name. I guess I deserve it, and every "babe" that taunts me from my screen is probably mocking me for my choice in petnames and "terms of endearment" that I resorted to while I was being immature.
For some reason, I keep hoping that while he's analyzing every single crack in my outlook on life or how I present myself, he'd actually address me by my name. I guess, I feel like if he's tearing apart my attitude and reactions towards life, my decisions and moral dilemmas, he'd personalize the experience a little bit and make it seem humane. Well...that's not the right word...realistic maybe? No...Well...I can't think of a word that isn't "personal"...because that's redundant. Moving on, I guess I'm expecting that since this is really the closest thing to actually building a friendship with this person, that there is some level of attachment and a bit of displayed emotion...I'm convinced that using my name instead of a label or petname would reach that level.
----
And since, this person does have the URL to the blog (though asked not to be talked about...Umm...I don't think this was the level of exposure he was concerned about...) I didn't really mean to tear my heart open (I'm a crafty girl like that...making allusions that tie in with my title) and use this as my soapbox to complain about it just for him to find it. In fact, it doesn't really hurt as much as it did the first time, it's now an annoyance I can stand...Well...Keeping true to the reason I started this blog, I'm going to report the major occurrences in my life along with the minor insecurities that make me the horrible person I am.
-I Feel Like I Should Be Signing Off
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title from: Scars by Papa Roach.
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