This is my gift to you

Today was pure torture. My first day back to school and imagine my delight to find that Cale has two of my classes. Well, I guess that comment was a bit sarcastic. It's his birthday today. I didn't acknowledge it the whole entire day, choosing rather to quietly seethe and wonder about other things. I started and ended this epic battle in my mind, one where I fought out whether I was going to acknowledge the day with some words. In the end, I chose not to. In the end, I decided that my present to him would be to continue to act as I had, to completely pretend that I don't remember all of the haunting things that have happened. I feel justified in it, but slightly disgusted at myself for being so...horrible.

I can suppose it's getting a little better...He said one thing to me today. Sitting in Stats, we were all separately working on a math problem, and while I desperately wanted to work with him and the three others around him (as they are fairly interesting and creative people who could add to the analysis), I sufficed to suck up the desire and pound through the math. He turned around to me and made a programming joke. I was desperately surprised, gleeful and a bit pleased, but still, I know I'm just settling for my small victories again.

Over the summer, while I was in Europe, I thrived for the conversation I would be having with friends. James and I talked a whole ton...about anything and everything. He told me to stop settling for my small victories and to aim for higher achievements. I have a feeling my small victories won't feel quite the same anymore...

The picture reads: "After we broke up you asked me to stop writing to you. I write about you to anyone who'd listen. I still love you, all of me." I think it's kind of fitting...that even after this large amount of bubbling of self-doubt and disgust, I still think of writing about him, of telling complete strangers about him, to engage anyone in some conversation about him. I wonder, truly do, if he lost his friends.

This Is Why You Are Horrible

I'm dedicating this whole post to conveying a message to someone. I don't know, I have a whole ton of these things saved somewhere, but none of them will ever see the sun. This one, though...I want him to see this one:

You know, I think there is something wrong with the way you tell people you can't stand the relationship anymore. I don't know if it's because I got tougher afterwards, but you soften the blow too much and in the end, when we figure out it's all a lie, it makes us feel weak about it. We don't need to be coddled and treated like we're glass when you let us go. We think it's cruel that you would try to soften the blow for us. It's lying...We don't like it when you lie. I'm sorry, I really respect you, but you are a horrible person when you lie. I realize that you feel horrible about yourself about going out with someone right after breaking up with someone else, but if that was never your intention, that isn't a problem. Your problem is not wanting to hurt us. We can be hurt. We can handle the truth. We promise. You are horrible only because you feel you need to protect us -- and you do protect us -- even as you're pushing us away. We just can't stand that kind of connection.

-I really need to find some pseudonym thing for you...Haha, you are Cale. You are now Cale.

Which, by the way, the "we" in the whole post...yeah. I was talking to someone...they have just about the same feelings. You're smart. You can figure out who she is.

Yes, this is a short piece, but...I'll make it up to you. By the way, you need a pseudonym too...FoC isn't too...creative...hmm. Haha, I'm reusing Mr. Compartner...

Proud of Something I Have No Right To Be Proud of

Once again, Pride takes over the general mindset as shocking news is learned. There is a moment of suspicion, of realization, and then of hoping that I was wrong. I mean, I kind of knew it was going to happen, but I never thought it would happen now. Something was off that morning, and it took realizing that he wouldn't even look at her or pay attention to her while she was bent over her desk in what seemed like discomfort. It wasn't the realization that tickles me with pride...It was the fact that I still hold a record.

I kind of want to know why it happened, but at the same time, I'm just going to accept that he feels things are different and thusly needs to get away before he starts hurting himself. It's always been like that for him, so I can see it happening like that. Anyways, moment of pride that I hate myself for having (not about the breakup, but about something a lot more...trivial?), but that's just that.

Moving on, I realize that we're really starting to develop a friendship. A real friendship! Sometimes, I don't know how I would react if I were still the annoying and clingy thing that I was before, but most of the time, I don't pay attention to that time of my life anymore. I'm just really glad that I am where I am...at least in this case.

I think I finally got rid of one of my...problems. Snake was shocked out of his skin the afternoon after he tried horribly to flirt with me. It took a moment to brush off and then flaunting a relationship in his face to break his concentration...and then his hope. I was dropping him off at his house, and all along the way, he was trying to play with me. After brushing most of it off, I finally told him I was in a relationship (because all through that day, I could have sworn it was really apparent that I was dating James) and he backed off like I was the plague. I couldn't help but laugh.

Through a lot of it, my vixen enjoyed it...wanted to play harder, you know. Some part of me was still as disgusted and just as I had ever been. I guess the whole "emotional relationship" thing is killing her...in the way that makes her mad and acts up all the time...She's really hard to kill...dang! She's hungry and I can't feed her...and there is no way in hell I'd allow anyone else to feed her. Whole ton of conflict there.

Ooh, new addiction: Raspberry Ice TOGO packs. They make a really great drink...

Anyways: This was a shorter piece, but I needed to finish an assignment. To sum it all up, I'm proud of things that shouldn't matter - I'm like the only one actually keeping score and it should all go away anyways, but I refuse to let it die; Snake is officially out of the question until I am single again (and my dad wonders why I hop from relationship to relationship. I hate playing, this keeps me from it); and my vixen is the hardest thing to ignore a lot of the time...Have I really come to depend on physical contact way too much?

Ooh, side note, no I haven't, Bella clings, I just need...treats.

-It's Been Ranty, It's Been Fun, It's Been Real
Scarlet Bloodmoon

PS - I strongly admire someone for being...so detached when bearing bad news. What does that say about me?

PPS - Last month's password was Conspiracy.

Have You Ever Noticed, That I'm Not Acting Like I Used to Do Before

Almost a week since the last time I've told you about my life...

April 7th was another of my brothers' birthdays. We didn't do much and the only thing I really remember of that day was that I bought my ticket to the prom. Tuesday and Wednesday were half days where we got the afternoon to ourselves, so Bella, James and I had an adventure. Otter joined us on Tuesday, but wasn't there Wednesday. Wednesday, James went to rent his tux (and called me and asked for an opinion while I was on the highway back from Scottsdale) and my mother took me out shopping. Thursday was an eh day where nothing really happened. I must have gone home early that day. Friday, I went to James' house after school and his mother played with my hair for a little bit and did our makeup. I later hung out with Bella a little bit and we got manicures and pedicures. We wanted to go see Prom Night, but neh, it was late and I had to be up early the next morning. James was working at the theatre we passed as we were making decisions, we so could have visited him. Saturday morning, I woke up at around 5:30 and put my laptop on its charger. I kind of went back to sleep and 20 minutes later, one of the kids I built a website with called to make me email all of our files to him so he could back it up. I got up, dressed in my business formal outfit thing and sat around and waited for the clock. At 6:40, I left home and headed off to a National History Day competition up in Fountain Hills. Eh. Got there, things happened, we presented our website, we went out for lunch, and I left early and got home in time to pick up Bella and head over to James' house so his mother could do our hair and makeup for prom. We finished after the boys came over so they were couped in James' room while we were finishing up. We eventually left and headed to Bella's house and we dressed and got ready before people came and took pictures.

Dinner was amusing and fun and the boys managed to kick all of the girls out of the table so that they could chat chit for a little. The girls came back slightly amused and giggling, returning to our spots before. Eh. We got back in the car and drove to Mesa Marriot. Halfway towards it, to where you could see it, I remembered where it was (con was just there) and commented. I think I caught little attention and since no one was really there, nothing came of it, just some lewd in-the-makings comments. We got there early and was like second in line, so we stood around, played a little with poses and joked a bit before they finally let us in. Before we were inside, they stamped our wrists and one of the teachers doing it was surprised to see me in a dress and decided that he had to take pictures. James and I went to bug one of our teachers last year and talked to her about her Prom-baby quota for this year and we laughed as she told us the couple they were aiming for didn't even show up at prom. Wow. They played Every Time We Touch, so James and I wandered to the edge of the dance floor and were crazy like always. Bella found us a bit after and we all danced. Went back to talk to teacher before she forcefully shooed us away. They played their first slow song as the announced the king and queen, so half way through, James and I wander back into the main room and he asks me if I want to dance. Shrugging, we dance. It was entertaining. I can't say it was as victorious as my dance with DJ my sophomore year, but I definitely was jealous then and not now. More wandering, more destroying things, and eventually, we wandered outside and sat down for a little because the bass was seriously trying to kill us. Second slow song and then they kicked us out. They played Sandstorm (which I hate Bella for wanting. Seriously, you don't appreciate electronica if you listen to or enjoy Sandstorm. We tried so many times to explain that to her, but she never got it) towards the end and we all danced again. All in all, it was fun. We got out, dropped off DJ and his girlfriend and went to Denny's. ^_^ It was fun, got back at like 1:30 and crashed at Bella's. Woke up late the next morning and started baking. I swear, Bella doesn't know how to follow recipes and half the time, I swear she was screwing up the batch of stuff. I was permanently washing out the used stuff to reuse and she had control over my mixer where she instantly pushed the speed to full and made a mess...sad sad. James had come over to help us bake, so it was all fun.

Monday, after school, I went to pick up Andrei after school. Nothing really much happened after that. NHS induction where I started getting pissed at Bella because we had a long list of errands to run before 6:30. I got there at around 6 and we didn't leave until 6:20. Umm...Excuse me? She was playing a video game well after I got there and here, I was expecting to come in and out. Gosh! So I stayed away from her most of the night and chatted with those who would approach me. I had to drag her home afterwards because my dad had almost put me on lockdown. I don't like Bella for some reasons: she's always wasting my time and seriously needs to learn the meaning of sacrifice. I used to wait outside in the cold for her every morning she would pick me up and carpool to school. I sacrificed my comfort for being on time and convenient. She can't even sacrifice a game for me. She complains of everything that doesn't go her way and seriously needs to stop caring so much about EVERYTHING. We can't all run the world, babe. Monday night, I talked to James about how much I was starting to lose my respect in Bella, and so he's now one of the only people who really know how much I hate my best friend.

Tuesday, I went out to lunch with James and it was one amusing anecdote after another. He bought a giant thing of iced tea and in the last period of the day, drank all of it. Classes that day were okay, not too amusing and conversational at best. James is really distracting when I don't want to do work...After that, we dropped people off, taught me a little how to drive manual, and then hung out with Bella and went to dinner and dessert. It was entertaining and all, and James and I had a stale mate in chess. I swear, neither of us were really paying attention throughout the game.

Wednesday, we had a robotics meeting and after that, we met up with people and we chatted and learned about each others' pasts. Eh. Nothing much really. We all went home relatively early that day. Bella finally got online and we had a short chat before she needed to shower. James and I kept going at it and such. Great fun.

Thursday, classes were okay. After school, I tutored Otter and then left to meet Bella and James for a treat and then went back to Bella's again. We watched an episode of The Big Bang Theory and I loved it. James and I had a huge game of tag and we left somewhere around 5:30. I went and bought gas, $13 worth of random stuff I kind of needed, and condoms (which I definitely don't need, but really wanted for some reason or another). The greatest thing was, it was all on my mother's credit card. Hee hee.

What's really silly is the amount of physical contact that James and I have established as a standard. It used to be occasional, but now, it's like we're always curled together. Bella's already confronted him on the subject of asking me out (seriously, everyone is matchmaking us) and the way she reported it to me was the only thing stopping him was his commitment and trust issues. Well, not trust issues, because apparently, he trusts me. That's fine. I can wait, this is fun in itself. All of it just feels like a relationship, the only part that's really missing is the part where we cutely throw around "I Love You"s. I've been getting a lot better with not playing with people and in fact, I've stopped caring about the other boys. They aren't as perfect as I want them to be and you know what? I've dropped most every game I've had.

I really like talking to James...both of them. My friend that I've started the whole cake analogy with is a wonderful person to talk to because he's always there to provide humor and I feel I can tell him anything. We think it's because he's three years younger than I am and thusly harder to pass judgment. The James that I've been obsessed about for the past ever is just so...easy to talk to. He's like an outlet that I can talk to any time and he'd listen...he's good at listening. In a sense, he's kind of the personal part of my blog. The things I don't tell my best friend when it comes to my adventures are posted here and the things I don't tell her when it comes to emotions and how much I want to beat her sometimes gets passed along to him. It just feels so good to have someone to confide in that can actually give me advice. I'd always been too proud to go to the people that I knew would listen, but now, I've needed to cry for attention, and he gave me his. The most unexpected people still will come to help if I ask for it, and I'm just really glad that there are people around like them. I'd be so lost without everyone.

-Confrontation Will Have to Come
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title From: Ecstacy by ATB

As We Were, So Perfect, So Happy

I’m sorry, the song was just too…perfect. It reminds me of what had been, and makes me wish I had something again. I guess, here I am again, play Devil’s Advocate with myself. I’m telling myself that the only reason I like the song and want something again is because I thrive for conflict and because conflict challenges me to smooth things over. I want to find a relationship just to fuck it up and try to smooth it over. But that’s not what I want!

I want to know that someone really cares about me. I want to fall back into optimistic bliss that I miss so much. I want to leave this cynicism behind and no longer have to hold my head so high above the world and pretend I’m so composed. I want someone to support me, and I want to be able to have weak moments. I want to be able to be girly, and I hate that for so long, I haven’t considered myself a girl. I seriously have spent so much time at Robotics this past quarter that I jokingly would disregard my female-ness and comment on female silliness as if I wasn’t lumped together with them in a gender group. I didn’t consider myself a guy, per se¸ but I didn’t see myself as a girl. I want to be able to find the perfect guy and know that my best friend is suffering because her idiot of a boyfriend got bad grades again and can’t do anything or that he’s not that supportive and I have to once again hold her and tell her she’s not messed up. I just want to leave this single-dom. I’m done with being single…I can’t believe I used to think this was a game and was proud of being single…

You know what’s another great song that makes me think about old relationships? FMLYHM by Seether. Of course, that’s a little more about…revenge sex than it is about anything else, but I still like it. Eh.

You know what’s silly? I was reading things about palm reading, and apparently, guys with really gaudy pinky rings are compensating for something, but when a girl wears a delicate ring on her pinky, she’s looking for action. Against my better judgment, I want a really cute/intricate ring for my pinky. Ranging from a simple, thin silver band to a silver band with an interesting knot on it, I just want something…but nothing fits my pinky! The surprising thing is, I know that I’m just asking for sex with it, and with the whole power of palm reading/the-power-of-suggestion, I’m probably going to get it as soon as I have that ring, but that’s kind of the ulterior-motive thing…I realize that I can jokingly do that to people: play around and hint at asking, but when it comes to actually getting to it, I’m really divided…It’s the worst thing ever: wondering where hormones start and where my real conscience, morals, and motives end.

Silly me! I’m so tired of my beating myself up and making me feel like I’m not even worthy of good people. I swear, that’s why I let myself fall victim so easily to pressure and the worst things in the world. That’s why I don’t stop the things that happen to me that I really don’t want. I torture and punish myself by giving myself up to guys who will treat me like I’m only there for sex. I’m so tired of me thinking I’m not good enough, and I don’t want to admit it, but I want someone just for the reason of improving self-esteem and confidence. Why is it so hard to see some value in the small details about myself without some testosterone body reassuring me that he’s not lying when he says there’s so much more to me than I thought? You know what? I’m giving up. No more playing around…I hope. If only I could stop myself, you know?

Whatever. I’m moving on to my next topic.

I was talking to James in an online conversation. I was seriously giggling myself silly…for some reason. I mean, looking back on the conversation, it was the epitome of nerd and I was beaming with pride, but I couldn’t see why I had been so giddy. I guess…I’m still mixed about my feelings for him. I really like him, and he’s a really good friend, but am I sure that I want to change that state? He’s definitely nerdy enough to entertain me. He’s definitely creative enough to come up with comments to retaliate mine. He’s definitely smart enough, nice enough, and sweet enough to keep me happy, but the horrible thing is, I think a reason I don’t want him is because he’s a little fluffier than I would like. I am such a whore.

But apparently, I get a whole ton of 20-sided dice on Monday…We are looking forward to starting a new group of Dungeons and Dragons (I am such a nerd…I can’t lie) and I’ve finally given up on seeming so elegant and perfect and strong. Oh, this anecdote amused me:

My icon on GoogleTalk is a demonic, Succubus figure and James commented on how GoogleTalk had shrunken the picture to a point where it was hard to tell what it was. Slightly disappointed at the size of the icon, I sent him the full picture and giggled when he said that it fit me well.

“btw verry funny icon.. it is you!
so damn evil”

It’s these comments that keep my inner vixen alive and well…but then again, I’m just throwing these pieces of comment-bait out and bursting with pride and joy when someone takes the bait. I’m sorry, she’s just so hard to fully put away. Not everyone’s a saint like you are.

-I Only Wanted A Little Bite, It Won’t Hurt
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title From: The Approaching Curve by Rise Against

Pick Your Prey in a Wicked Way

Today was fun. I woke up at...about 3 this afternoon after missing a call from Snake. Now, I haven't really talked to him much, and the funniest thing ever is, he's still trying to get me.

Snake wanted to see if I wanted to go to the movies today. I told him I couldn't as my parents had left for California and put us under a sort of house arrest. No one can come over, and we can't go anywhere. (Well, not quite. My mother is lenient when it comes to birthday parties.) He was a tad disappointed, but I guess had to suck it up and get over it (as I offered little genuine sympathy). We then started chatting about what was going on over break and whatnot, and told him that I had been pretty bored. I guess I told him the highlight of my break was baking a cake, but I think I thought he meant of my house arrest when he was talking about my break. So not true. My most exciting was the night out or the birthday party! Anyways, he settled with making a movie date for the next weekend. Eh. I'll find a way out or bring someone along at the last minute just to ruin his plans. ^_^ I will not fall victim to him wanting a relationship. Nope!

Rawr! Okay. Well...then if was off to my laptop, where I spent the next three hours reading over things and talking to people...eating a little, and then my brother wanted to go to a friend's birthday thing. Cool, okay. I took him. My mother decided to let me go to the mall to wait for him because it was closer than going home and then coming back. Sure! So, I went and bought 28 Magic: the Gathering cards and 3 20-sided dice. Yes! Well, I went back, got my brother, and then got pizza for the other brother at home. (Oh, that's right: home life = 3 brothers and my parents.)

Came back home, and went off to read this online story that I've been reading for a little. I mean, it's not wonderful, but I like reading it. Anyways, it made me start thinking about what kind of guy I would need in order for me to keep interested and challenged. I've always known I needed someone to challenge me, and thinking back on my previous relationship, I knew that he challenged me and kept me in line sometimes, but I had most of the dominance in the relationship. Not all of it, but just more than half. I also realized that I lost interest in Greed because he was so easy. I dominated him and he put up no chase or challenge. I live to try for what I could never have. I need something that I can't have and strive for. I need a challenge...Coming a day after Silver challenged me...hmm...

I also starting thinking about my friend Bella. There's a little back story, so here we go: At the beginning of Spring Break, I spent the night with Bella. We decided to go and get dinner and get blue hair dye. I got tired of my purple hair and wanted to move on to another color. So, I settled for blue and Bella had some interest in dying her hair too. So, that night we went to her house, tried a strand test on her sister (who was blond, so that kind of worked nicely) and really liked the color. Since I had a strip of hair that was already bleached from the purple dye that had already faded away, I had a very good idea where to put the blue. Bella grabbed a section of her bangs and decided to dye that. Okay. So, an hour and a half later, we washed out the dye (it wasn't in that long, but other stuff and gone on) and she decided that she didn't like the dye job at all. She broke down about it. She called her boyfriend and was talking to him about how badly the night had been because of it. Not fair! We had a fun dinner and really enjoyed ourselves until we washed off the dye! She broke even more when we couldn't fix the mistake without making her whole half of her head blue. It wasn't even that bad, and if I had that, I'd find a way to incorporate it! Eh. It was break and she was going to Mexico. Nothing like sun and salt to wash out dye. She still was looking for sympathy and after Otter could give it to her, she cried and got moody.

So, the point is, I was wondering if I would ever be able to stand a relationship with Otter. I don't want one, but the thing is, would I be able to love him like she does? No. I need someone to intellectually entertain and humor me. I want someone to get all of my jokes and references, and I want someone who isn't going to run off with his friends for something stupid/silly unless I've already done so. (Not really...It sounds so mean: like I want someone who will be able to achieve telepathy and be able to go from there.) No, I needed someone with a little more responsibility and maturity. Otter would make a fine friend and joker, but not relationship material for me. You know...that splicing idea...

I really want to retain a lot of the stuff that happened in previous relationships and have the personalities of a lot of my cakes. -Sigh-

So, I had a really entertaining conversation with someone about Super Smash Brothers: Brawl. He hated what happened to it, but as I've played selective things and really enjoy the idea the WiFi they've implemented among other things, I conversed about how he was kind of on crack. Eh. Still, it was fun because I got to talk about nerd stuff to someone who could return fire.

Well, I'm going to stop now and enjoy the cake I made last night. Yum!

-The Spiraling Has Finally Stopped, But Do I Have To Climb Out Myself?
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title From: She Is My Sin by Nightwish

And My Weakness Is, That I Care Too Much

We canceled the crashing and put it off to today. Still, I'm not going to go, no matter how much begging will be done. I'm really enjoying where I am right now with a lot of things in my life. I don't want to ruin the friendships that I have now with these people, and really, why should I let someone easily talk me into something I really don't want to do?

I've always been easily pressured into things and I've never really regretted offering myself to make things easier. People have encouraged me to look out for myself or to just live for me, but I've always pushed their words aside and became a supporting character in my own play. (Wow, a lot of play and drama references...) Well, I guess this is me taking my first few steps towards actually taking the advice of these people who invest so much of their time talking me out of my bad decisions. I'm just afraid that the pressure outside of my little cave of my solitude will become too overpowering...

Well, you never know until you try.

(Edit: Seconds after posting, I felt like I wanted to add something. The following text until the divide is all from that decision)
I've told up to three people about a bad decision in the future. All of those three people have basically told me that I will decide on the "right" thing when the time comes. The thing is, I wanted these people to tell me that I was ridiculous and that I was wrong to be considering the immoral side of the events waiting for me. I wanted someone to either physically, virtually, or figuratively slap me and tell me that there was really no way in Hell, I would be allowed to even consider the immoral stuff. I realize now, that I'll be an adult, capable of judging the field way before I'm playing on it. I realize that I have to make my own decisions because these three people can't decide everything for me. I realize that the twinge of disappointment was probably rooted from the fact that no one can care after a certain point where I have to be responsible for my own actions. I realize, that from here on out, I'm cruising on nothing but suggestions and advice that I can choose to ignore if it fancied me.

That is the scariest realization I've ever come upon.

---

I don't know why this hurts, but it brings me back to a small argument I had with a friend towards the beginning of the school year. During that fight/argument, she talked about me to a third party while I was sitting right there, accusing me of things that I'll admit I did, but treating me like I wasn't there...or just wasn't good enough to be recognized. I sat there, my mind wandering to keep myself from focusing too hard and breaking down, but later, in the comfort and safety of a warm embrace, I cracked. The worst thing was, I felt sorry for screwing up with this presence in the past, and while the only reason I was crying was because I had just been attacked and made less worthy, I could only manage a weak apology for hurting him.

Time passed, things changed, and now, I'm making it feel like I'm baiting him, using my clever ways of catching attention to make him talk to me. In the past two conversations (because the first of the two is when I realized it), I've been waiting for him to use my name. I guess I deserve it, and every "babe" that taunts me from my screen is probably mocking me for my choice in petnames and "terms of endearment" that I resorted to while I was being immature.

For some reason, I keep hoping that while he's analyzing every single crack in my outlook on life or how I present myself, he'd actually address me by my name. I guess, I feel like if he's tearing apart my attitude and reactions towards life, my decisions and moral dilemmas, he'd personalize the experience a little bit and make it seem humane. Well...that's not the right word...realistic maybe? No...Well...I can't think of a word that isn't "personal"...because that's redundant. Moving on, I guess I'm expecting that since this is really the closest thing to actually building a friendship with this person, that there is some level of attachment and a bit of displayed emotion...I'm convinced that using my name instead of a label or petname would reach that level.
----
And since, this person does have the URL to the blog (though asked not to be talked about...Umm...I don't think this was the level of exposure he was concerned about...) I didn't really mean to tear my heart open (I'm a crafty girl like that...making allusions that tie in with my title) and use this as my soapbox to complain about it just for him to find it. In fact, it doesn't really hurt as much as it did the first time, it's now an annoyance I can stand...Well...Keeping true to the reason I started this blog, I'm going to report the major occurrences in my life along with the minor insecurities that make me the horrible person I am.

-I Feel Like I Should Be Signing Off
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title from: Scars by Papa Roach.