This is my gift to you

Today was pure torture. My first day back to school and imagine my delight to find that Cale has two of my classes. Well, I guess that comment was a bit sarcastic. It's his birthday today. I didn't acknowledge it the whole entire day, choosing rather to quietly seethe and wonder about other things. I started and ended this epic battle in my mind, one where I fought out whether I was going to acknowledge the day with some words. In the end, I chose not to. In the end, I decided that my present to him would be to continue to act as I had, to completely pretend that I don't remember all of the haunting things that have happened. I feel justified in it, but slightly disgusted at myself for being so...horrible.

I can suppose it's getting a little better...He said one thing to me today. Sitting in Stats, we were all separately working on a math problem, and while I desperately wanted to work with him and the three others around him (as they are fairly interesting and creative people who could add to the analysis), I sufficed to suck up the desire and pound through the math. He turned around to me and made a programming joke. I was desperately surprised, gleeful and a bit pleased, but still, I know I'm just settling for my small victories again.

Over the summer, while I was in Europe, I thrived for the conversation I would be having with friends. James and I talked a whole ton...about anything and everything. He told me to stop settling for my small victories and to aim for higher achievements. I have a feeling my small victories won't feel quite the same anymore...

The picture reads: "After we broke up you asked me to stop writing to you. I write about you to anyone who'd listen. I still love you, all of me." I think it's kind of fitting...that even after this large amount of bubbling of self-doubt and disgust, I still think of writing about him, of telling complete strangers about him, to engage anyone in some conversation about him. I wonder, truly do, if he lost his friends.