And It Seems Even More I'm Always in Her Shadow

I don't know where this started or why I thought about it, but as I was passing SanTan Junior High this afternoon, I realized that out of my four exes, three of them I'm sure have liked this girl before or after dating me. I mean, the first one makes sense...he knew her first. He was closer to her, but was forced to get over her when she turned him down. The second one was totally obvious. He was like a brother to her...and she was just looking for fun. He so would. Third one...I don't know. He's just him that way...It wasn't surprising, it wasn't shocking, it was almost expected. It was...systematic in a twisted way.

I used to look up to her. I used to want to be as free and as capable as she was. After awhile, I realized that I was looking for the wrong things, that I would never be someone like her. It just wasn't my style to become someone else, a clone. After time, I stopped wanting to be like her, stopped liking how she changed entirely. But that's entirely not the point! For most of my teenage years, I wondered just how much I was like her and how much people associated me with her. Well, all of that doesn't matter anymore, none of that really applies anymore. I'm not her, I am totally my own person. I totally hate how it took me so long and so many people to realize it.

-That's it. I'm done.
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Pyromania

Maybe it's not just combustion and physical fire that makes me happy and excited. I live for conflict. I've said that many times before, but really, I've never seen me goad and prod for conflict before. Wednesday, Socratic seminar. Totally went in unprepared, half the class apathetic and tired. I managed to play on religious, ethnic, and ethic points that most people would rather avoid. I walked out of that class happy. I was ecstatic that I managed to ruffle some feathers and invoke some emotion. I love getting responses from people. I've learned anger is the easiest one to invoke. You know, it was interesting. I got to the point where I would glance occasionally to the opposite side of the room to gauge the reactions of three people across the huge circle from me, but I mostly left my attention to the people I thought as easy targets: people who would be quick to anger, quick to respond.

I love fire. I love the large amount of spite and anger, the seductive and destructive curve of a flame, the passion and lust in a moment, the spontaneity of life, the energy-intensive and fast-paced informality, the colorblind destruction and unpredictability, I love fire.

I love the feeling of water against my skin. I love that hectic storm, the gentle and soft waters from a controlled source, the sluggish drag of the layers of it resisting my fingertips, the perfect way it molds to my body. I've always loved the water. I've always felt natural in it. I could never swim competitively because it would take away from the dedication and love I devoted to the water every time I was in it. I love the water.

Horoscopically, (so not a word, but I like it) I am earth. I nurture, I allow things to grow, I am the solid foundation upon which others start. I feel happy when others are happy, accomplished when someone else accomplishes something. I derive my happiness from the happiness of others, from knowing that I caused them a little bit of happiness. I need to please; it is how I know I've been doing well.

Really, the only thing I don't have, is the wind. I love the feel of it, I love feeling powerless under it, but I can't claim it, I can't hold it or worship it like I do fire or water. I can't embody it like I do earth. It is my missing piece.

-I Can't Imagine A More Perfect...
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Reincarnation

July was very fun. I totally changed so much in Europe. Classes are fun, except for I'm stuck in PE and totally unwilling to lose any of my other classes to see if I can get into dance instead. BUT! Apparently, there is a 4th hour Stats class which makes me wonder why I'm not in Calc BC along with Stats...What?

So, I officially listen to any kind of music. ANYTHING. I used to be "Anything but rap and country." Nope. Not anymore. Now I'm wondering who is changing me. Well, I guess my brothers have a huge part in this...what with all the rap they listen to.

Eh. I feel this is going to be a really short post. Nothing really new happening...Definitely want to play the piano, but the keyboard is in Jeremy's room and I hate going in there, my fingerboard on my violin collapsed again. I could pick up the clarinet or the trumpet, but eh, not my style.

Random closing thought: Reincarnation was my password, and the hint was something like: "I can only hope that someday, it will happen." It did.

-"In perfect stillness, frankly, I've only found sorrow."
Scarlet Bloodmoon