Never Giving Up

AcDec competition today. It was the regional one and we probably won't do that well and not go to state. I had the same speech judge as I did at Mountain Pointe and that was interesting. Interview was okay. Essay was blah, language and literature was alright.

Oh, had "dirty-bathroom-sex" kind of for the first time. We were walking around the school we were at and it was about time to go give speeches. "But we can have some fun before we go." It was fun. I giggled my whole way there to the speeches.

Eh, I'm tired. Bed time, I guess...

-Good night, Sweet dreams, I love you
Scarlet Bloodmoon

I Just Have a Thing for Numbers

Today is five months from the day we first started things. It was right there...I can see it from where I am on my bed. Right in front of my dresser. He asked where I preferred it, I asked where he wanted to be. There were no fireworks, but he told me I was delicious. I don't know, this was the moment where I realized how to treat a female -- mistress or lady. This was the moment I realized that no matter what, all females have that basic need to be nurtured and held, to be kissed gently and told they are loved. I'm surprised it took me that long to realize that I'm closer to the other girls at school than I had ever hoped or that I was actually similar in some way to all of the girls around me. I had gone from being an object to being loved and tenderly caressed and stroked. It was an event full of laughs and I realized then that we had something really cool. We could laugh at anything. It could have been the most awkward and embarrassing thing ever, but we were able to laugh at ourselves and to walk away from it even closer than before.

There are just some things that don't leave. I remember the day we decided to experiment in rooms, I remember when we got stuck in Vegas in October. Numbers just come easy for me.

Umm...oh. It feels like he's very enthusiastic. In the way he caresses my legs and kisses his way up, I can just feel his love and devotion. I love the way it feels, and it's almost like he's a cat lapping up sweet cream, like he can't ever get enough. Anyways, it just drives me insane...

Hmm...what else? I miss being able to do the things we used to do. I miss being about to curl with him on a couch or to lay with him and fall asleep in his arms. I miss being able to be so close to him, to be able to kiss him, to fool around on a bed...just to spend time with him. Maybe I had never thought I'd actually be here, but I'm at the point where I don't even need sex most of the time...it's just for when I really really can't fix it and it almost hurts. What does hurt is not being able to nap with, sleep with, fuck with him. I miss the way things were a few months ago. I miss being trapped in Vegas with him.

-Painful Memories with Happy Endings
Scarlet Bloodmoon

It's More than Just Rubber and Epoxy...

The general disclaimer is that I don't hate people. It is super hard for me to actually hate people, and even after great injustices and half-assed attempts of remedy, I still don't hate the person. It takes inhuman amounts of pain and annoyance for me to build up to the point where I hate people.

Ever since freshman year, this girl Danielle has been defeating every single tiny victory I celebrated. It took me forever to become great friends with this guy, and in a moment, it seemed she one-upped that friendship I had. Maybe, at the whiny age of 14, I had secretly been jealous of her ability to command social crowds like she did. But ever since that moment, I've associated her presence in my life as an omen towards my obvious inferiority in comparison to her. Junior year, she got closer to Cale. One weekend, her and a group of friends decided to go and reevaluate his wardrobe and hit up every single store that I avoid -- even now. That was a Saturday. The following Tuesday, I found myself single. And really, it was the first time I'd ever seen Cale act differently around me than with other people. Oh gosh. Well, eventually, they got to be close friends and then drifted apart when "things didn't work out between him and one of her closer friends."

Now, she's sinking her awful claws into my life again, through yet another one of the soft spots I have left. James has a class with her and since she lives like five doors down from me, will occasionally chat him up outside of school. Yesterday, she called him back as he was leaving the community after he dropped of some stuff at my house. Really? I guess it only is noteworthy because he actually turned around and went back to her. And I guess that only bugged me because he had told me he needed to get home. If he was coming back, why couldn't he have spent more time with me? On my way to the open house thing last night, I was a tad more than mildly annoyed. I've seen how very shallow she could be and how basically, she uses the people around her because they are able and willing to do a few favors. She seems nothing more than a manipulative little girl who can't realize how different the real world is from her own. And no matter what I do, probably because of a fairly harmless comparison made by Cale, I can't not see her as the symbol of failure and disappointment -- my failure and disappointment.

I suppose a lot of this wouldn't be like this if I hadn't broken down that awful Saturday and cried when he emotionally distanced himself for the sake of getting information out of me. Maybe I wouldn't see her as the epitome of all of my failures and mistakes if he hadn't stuck so closely to her after that Tuesday. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if it didn't seem like she was secretly trying to steal the people I considered important and then later moved on away from them. It doesn't seem fair from where I'm standing. I lose these people in very painful ways while she just conveniently runs out of uses for them and distances herself from them. Every one of these lead to a very painful loss for me and a harmless transition to a new puppet for her. How is that fair to me? I've already been lashed twice, can I take a third?

-Painfully
Scarlet Bloodmoon

"Mandatory Update"

Nothing much to report today. Enjoyable robotics president was outed and new one installed. Nothing really fun at robotics. Today is the day MoMo comes back though. That should be exciting. Went to an Open House thing for Sophomores and Juniors. Talked about science, chatted with teachers, did a thermite reaction, helped the teacher with some grading and so forth. It was very fun. Um...That's about it. I have homework, sorry for the five line post.

-Until The End
Scarlet Bloodmoon

P.S. I haven't been writing about James recently...wow. Well, I haven't really spent a lot of time with him...But that's another rant for when I have the time to fit homework and blogging into the same night. Ta!

Did You Just...?

History repeats itself, but manifests itself into different faces so it doesn't get boring. So, DJ is a huge douchebag to girls and he's always been like that. When I first met him, he had this girlfriend Kura who was two years older than he was. She was this typical romantic girl who wanted to do everything with him and God forbid something goes wrong. He later told me he was only going out with her because he was basically using her and had originally started going out with her because she looked really pathetic and lonely. Wow. At one point in time, there was an interesting love triangle thing going on...I liked him, he kind of liked me I guess, but was still going out with Kura. Eventually I gave up on him, lost a whole ton of respect, and went on with life. Social circles made it so that after awhile, we got to be friends again, but this time he was going out with this girl Mac. I didn't know her very well, but it was alright. I had given up on him anyways. Things went on, life continued, and recently, they broke up. He immediately started going out with Tuesday and fuck, she's exactly like Kura. Not necessarily hopeless and pathetic and that's not why he's going out with her, but she's one of those girls who's lost all sense of independency and can't take not seeing him on their first month "anniversary." Really?

She's now one of the girls who will use tears and bitching to get a guy to do anything. Those girls need to die. How is it that those are the girls that "represent" the whole female gender when there are girls who enjoy being rough-housed and couldn't care less about celebrating monthly milestones. Why aren't those girls who enjoy getting down and dirty and enjoy going down not the female figureheads? Why are we represented by those flitty little saps when there are solid girls who fight and play back?

-This Is The Way Things Are
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Colleges?

So for the past like two days, I've been watching this show called Undressed that was on MTV or something...it's like this little drama thing that looks very indie and it totally out there. It's alright...I get mad at it sometimes and refuse to watch it, but then I get bored. Eh.

Oh, so on Friday, there was this club meeting thing at conference and basically, it was seniors talking to not seniors about college applications and stuff like that. They asked where we were going to college and I said I was going to ASU because I didn't want to be far from my parents. I lied. I'm going to ASU because really, I don't want to leave him. I'm telling myself that I don't want to deal with out-of-state tuition and that I'm not good enough to get a full ride anywhere, but if I had really worked hard enough, even now, I could. I don't have that ambition and I don't want to leave behind this window of happiness I have. Maybe I'll end up regretting this, but there is nothing wrong with getting an in-state education before going somewhere that counts. I'm not staying here because I'll miss my family, and I'm not really staying here because I have no other option. I'm staying here because I want to and because it's easier here. At least I'm not depending on my parents to pay my way through the world. Ugh. I can't stand people from old money or people who take everything for granted. Graduation will rock your world, and if not at graduation, your life will be fucked when you realize no one can help you.

-According To Plan

Really?

So I can't not get mad at my dad when I talk to him. It's not even like he's easy to be mad at every time he says something, but it's like I just can't get over the fact that I'm held to higher standards than everyone else is and just because I live a little more differently than my brothers do, I have to be restricted. Maybe it's a parental thing to want to keep children inside the house, and maybe when I'm a mother, I'd want to stick all my children in their little baskets and never see them leave, but he doesn't make it seem like that. He makes it seem like he just doesn't want the status quo destroyed and constantly threatens me. Sometimes, he's totally bluffing and will tell me that he doesn't like threatening me, but wants me to follow what he says. Um...really? Did you seriously just tell me that you want to be powerful and hate it when I take that away? Go choke on a dick and die.

Umm...Today was fun. Did my Canterbury Tale project today. Made puppets, laughed a whole ton, it was fun. I haven't seen James at all today though. Nevermind, he came and visited me for like 10 minutes. Umm...today wasn't all that exciting outside of all that.

-A Bit of Strife to Cancel the Laughter
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Eh, I Feel Playful

I've been sleepy the whole week. Over and over again, I've wanted to curl up with him and fall asleep. I've wanted to fall asleep on a huge bed that you could seriously lose me in. I've wanted to recapture the bliss that I had been denied since November. I've wanted the old days back.

I feel lazy today. This is going to be epic half-assed...Umm...in PE, we ended our "outside time" early because it started raining. Half the class complained about it. It was silly.

Went to ASU with James, his Fed Ex kid, and this female friend of ours. It was fun. We wandered a little, explained any confusing or otherwise concepts and talked just about things. Then we went and wandered around looking for a place to have dinner. We finally found a really cool Indian restaurant and stopped there. Food was delicious and it was super fun. Had lamb for the first time...maybe? I don't know. It's either I've had it before and didn't really like it or I've never had it before. It's an interesting taste, but really tender.

Eh, I'm done.

-Rawr!
Scarlet Bloodmoon

A Pull

Every time some small memory comes to mind or some small thought makes me incredibly happy, something pulls at my heart. The feeling spreads throughout my body, normally to my right hand or down further. I used to describe this as a flutter, but recently, it's starting to hurt. It's more of a longing now. It a reminder of how I used to be able to do all of these things that seem just like distant fantasies now. It makes me miss the moments that have now passed and wonder when I will ever experience the pure bliss of being able to fall asleep with him.

Rendered helpless by the sharp twinge running through my body, I can do nothing except curl together and hope it passes. Often, I will encourage more and more thoughts, more and more flutters. Wave after wave of bittersweet feeling floods through me and when I can't take the pain anymore, I let go. Slowly, the flooding goes away and all I'm left with is a deep pulsing of my heart and a fleeting bit of pain.

It doesn't really bother me that much, just sometimes it gets to the point where I can't do anything at all. Someone at school was complaining about how his breakup left him in so much pain and how his heart was hurting so much. He doesn't know pain. He doesn't know what it feels like to be constantly denied the urge and need to curl into someone and hold on forever. He doesn't know what it feels like to have been through heaven only to have it ripped away. It kind of works both ways: you can't know happiness without knowing pain, but you can't know pain without knowing true bliss. Very little people actually know pain and very little people actually know happiness. I guess I'm lucky enough to know both.

So today in English, we shared the "Rules of Love" we had written yesterday in class. The other classes had finished before us and so we shared some of those as well. It was a great laugh and very silly. Christine and I were off in our own little groups and disagreed with everything the other girls said were rules. Bella was between our group and another and we told her that she couldn't have this double input. It was just silly. I know I'm not the ideal girl for every guy, but I'm good enough. I enjoy being in the kitchen, on my knees, on my back...haha. I guess I would like to think I'm low maintenance enough to be the perfect girl, but it's been a long time since I've actually cared about being perfect. I guess my only "Rule of Love" would be that he has to be able to keep up with me. If I'm playful, I want him to play along with me...he has to be able to keep me entertained verbally and physically and be able to fit me.

I'm truly the luckiest person alive. I have the greatest friends, the easiest time dealing with opinions I do not agree with, the ability to see both sides of any argument and essentially agree with either side, and the best boyfriend I've ever had. I love that I can be myself around him and that I don't have to put a damper on my personality or behavior. I'm glad I don't have to compromise and that he fits me.

-Completed by Your Presence
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Kitty Cats and Griselda

So, there was a cat stuck in our swamp cooler today. Apparently all through the day, Jeremy and Mom were looking for it in the garage (it was meowing pretty loudly) and couldn't find it. We stuck Riley in the swamp cooler and he started sniffing and the cat growled a little. We got it out, Andrei was epic excited, things went and played out well.

Oh, I just finished the Clerk's Tale in The Canterbury Tales. It's...different. Basically, this really poor girl Griselda ends up marrying the marquis and he puts her through these horrible tests. She meekly accepts whatever he tells her to do and so he tries her by pretending to kill their daughter and son and then divorce her and marry someone younger. He makes her prepare for the wedding and interact with the girl (who is actually her daughter) and in the end decides he can't take how well she's accepting all of this crap and tells her the truth. She's epic happy and things go well.

The thing is, really, it's talking about society (they comment on how the people are all against how the marquis is a murderer but when he brings in the new girl and she's so pretty, they are so happy and "realizes" why the marquis divorces Griselda) and maybe even comments on the love of society. Back then, love was seen more like lust is today and Griselda's devotion and need to please Walter is the love Chaucer shows. It also brings up the question of morality: obviously the marquis was only testing Griselda's morality and faithfulness, but he's ways of doing it are so immoral and out there. To test her submissiveness, he goes to extremes to pretend to kill his children and then send them away to be raised by his sister. Really?

Today was alright. I've been tired all week long because I love staying up late which really doesn't help that I have to wake up early in the morning. So nothing really exciting until...Robotics. Get there, say hi, stuck between like two groups of people who all like me because I can't say mean things to people. There had recently been a break up in the club and it's been pretty awkward. Groups were pretty much redefined and it's really apparent that the guy in the relationship just kind of went along with the rest of the group because they were people that he kind of needed. It was interesting. Talked to this one chick who is just crazy fun and I was super surprised to find out she's a freshman! Eh, Robotics was interesting today. Played with a servo and accelerometer. That was epic fun. But yeah, that's pretty much most of my day.

-Mew
Scarlet Bloodmoon

It's Been So Long

Today didn't start as wonderfully, but ended up rather amazing. So I woke up this morning and totally didn't want to get up or do anything. All I really wanted was to be wrapped in his arms and wake up at like noon. So I got out of my room at maybe 5:55 this morning, and that's the time I normally leave! Oh snap. So I dash out the door, start my car and realize I needed petrol. I turn everything off and run back inside. My mom gives me her credit card and makes me promise to only use it for gas. Okay. So school: Socratic seminar, inauguration, physics, short amount of chem, more inauguration, English, Stats, lunch, History, and then PE...which we ran basically the entire time.

After that, I went to get gas, back home to give my mom back her credit card, and then changed and went to Santan for a science fair judging. My mom saw me on my way there because she was picking up Andrei and left him with me. The room we were in was right next to his classroom, so he dragged me there. It was really silly. Andrei spent more time with James than he did with me. He said it was because he was a lot more fun. We laughed at this. After going through like 7 science fair projects, we were totally finished and we left for the Gilbert and Germann area. We had an early dinner and Andrei wanted ice cream...well, gelato. So, after that, we went to GameStop and chatted with a friend that worked there. After awhile, we left and went back to my house.

Andrei left us and after chatting and doing stuff (we saw a kitty run across the street, that was cute) and such and so forth, he left. It was fun. It's been awhile since I've had a day like this. And now I want ice cream.

-To Miss the Way it Feels
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Ick...Just Ick

At around 11:30 this morning, James asked if I wanted/could leave for lunch. I ask my dad, who after about 10 minutes of telling me he doesn't mind that I go out to disliking how I hesitated when giving him the time I was going to come back all the way to how if I didn't like his decisions I should just move out, if I could leave and after wasting a good 10 minutes of my time, and James' time, got a simple no. Really? So feeling rather annoyed, I asked James to come visit me to cheer me up. As he got here, Andrei went out with Riley to walk him, and so we end up all walking Riley around. We spent some time fixing his car and cleaning it up a bit and then just sitting and talking. He left around 1 ish and after that, I went back inside and back on my computer. Like three hours later, he and his new foreign exchange student are out and about and he wants to know if I am allowed out to come along. I ask my dad again, and after telling me how he expects me to come home directly after school and to work on a fucking robot at home, says no. He threatens me, telling me I'm so close to being kicked out of the house because I'm nothing more than a nuisance to everyone and the only reason Daniel didn't do robotics is because I don't give him any attention and all the Robotics consists of is me being with James and ignoring everybody. Really?

So my mom comes home and I run downstairs to meet her in the garage. I asked if she remembered telling me if I just asked to go somewhere, there is a large probability that my parents would let me go. She asked what I wanted to do and if Dad wasn't letting me go somewhere. I gave her the story and she said to go inside and we'd talk it out. This consisted of my mom asking my dad why I couldn't do anything and he told her that I'd spent three hours with James this late morning to afternoon outside and that should have been enough. He made a huge deal about how we were in front of our house as if he was greatly offended by the very idea that I was slightly appeased this morning. She says that was because I couldn't do anything at all today and he argues that I never spend time at home. She said that was because I was off at Robotics and that every day for the past week, I've been home to eat dinner with the family at around 6. "Just let her go." I agreed to get back by 8 and look, I did. Take that!

So I drive up to Dobson and Warner and meet James, his foreign exchange student, and a mutual friend right as they were leaving a store. My timing's awesome. We spend maybe 15 minutes trying to decide on dinner and finally all squish into the friend's car and drive a mile out of the way before getting on the right track. Needless to say, he sucks at directions and doesn't really know how to memorize streets. Dinner was fun, we chatted mostly about the guy's girlfriend and how he should move on. After that, we drove back to my car and then drove back to around my house. We agreed to meet up at the Bashas' nearby and I decided to "race" him back there. I won. After like 6 minutes, I had to go home.

So here I am, typing this. I really dislike my dad...He doesn't take the time to realize what's going on outside of his world and refuses to tolerate the things we do when we tolerate all of the ridiculous things he does. He's supposed to be moving to Minneapolis, but he won't leave at all. He should go really soon...we're all getting sick and tired of him.

-Until It's All Over
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Driven

I think there's always something to drive me to compete with people. So this time, as long as James is blogging everyday, I will try too. Um...not much happened today, so there really isn't much to talk about or complain about...Let's see:

I guess in a way, I'm conceited to a point where I drive off the potential success of people. I believe that I can do anything better and that people celebrate and magnify things way too much. Of course, it only applies to certain people, and it really doesn't make sense at all why I feel this way. I'm just weird I guess.

I've been listening to Chinese music all day long. It started off as genuine curiosity over a band and then I just got hooked. I enjoyed pulling the songs apart and would smirk every time I found a phrase or thing I understood. It made me happy that I could pick out these things. It made me feel better about myself and the fact that most of the time, I feel I'm losing my culture and roots. Maybe that's what this cultural melting pot does: strips people of their cultures and implements a conglomerate that doesn't quite represent the culture they had lost.

Oh, so my mother has always loved hearing stories of American born Chinese people that return to Taiwan/China and become huge stars and such. She's often suggested we go back to Taiwan and do something with our lives. I only love ABC stars because they will often sing in both Chinese and English and they actually make it work. This leads me to my other point: half Asian children are beautiful. They are. It's the mixture of the Asian darker coloring with a paler skin tone and a more "healthy-looking" facial structure and shape. Their eyes are just a little bit bigger, their faces a little more round, and they look really pretty. I used to envy my cousins because they were just a little bit lighter and just a little different. And since I am super sure I'm not going to end up procreating with an Asian guy, I guess I can envy my children for the rest of my life.

I planted a tulip bulb today. It is currently in the refrigerator and has to be there for about 12 weeks. Exciting, isn't it? Andrei was basically ecstatic to find out what I was doing and decided to pot and grow weeds from the backyard. Okay. It was a messy process and imagine my surprise to find that the pot I had originally intended didn't drain well and basically became a mush of old, dry potting soil and water. It was gross. I also baked the last of my cookies today. Maybe I should just start making cookie dough myself and freeze it.

-Well, that was tangent-y
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Floating In Dragon's Blood, Lull Me To Sleep

Girls are special. We all exist within our mothers as they are within their mothers. I don't know why I thought of that or why it is at all relevant, but once again, I'm forced to accept the fact that I came from sticky white stuff I make a habit of swallowing (no real pun intended) and a cell that causes so much pain for me on a monthly basis. Once again, I'm pondering my future as a mother, and once again, I'm not thinking about sex just for the sake of sex. I hate it when I get like this.

I'm past the point where I'm unsure about everything, but I'm not yet past the point where I know for sure how I want everything to work out. It seems I have been hurt way too many times to allow myself to fully believe in anything and there is still that little part of me that wonders what will happen if things don't work out. Will he change, or will I change my entire social group and lifestyle just to avoid some conflict? Or, will we both be so masochistic we stay together in the same social groups, work together on everything, and pretend everything is okay when really, we are both seething in wounds that still yearn to be nursed? Back and forth, this little part of me argues, but given the right distraction -- or maybe it's me turning away from it and giving something else more attention -- it stops. I no longer care because maybe I'm so done and busy I can't ponder other things or maybe it's because I'm wrapped so tightly in his arms that I need to remind myself to breathe.

It's weird. There are times where I forget that I'm in a relationship. It's not like I start looking for attention or that I start to wonder who I could get, but there is just this overall sense of tranquility and euphoria where I am so used to how things are that I equate where I am with most of my life previously where I was outside of a relationship and still equally happy. Or maybe it's because with conscious thought, I could never give enough credit and meaning and value to the relationship and so my subconscious takes it over. Or, maybe in those moments, if I listened hard enough or thought hard enough, I could actually seen something beyond conscious thought.

It kind of feels like I should start over with this blog. Do a newer introduction to myself, something less attention-whore and a little bit more personal. I started this thing with the intention of maybe an audience of three people I actually see day-to-day and whoever else that would stumble into the blog and stay around. I now have maybe five people I see on a day-to-day and I don't care who sticks around. Maybe it's time to be a little bit more open about my personality and stop trying to cover tracks.

-Good Night, Sweet Dreams, I Love You
Scarlet Bloodmoon

I guess it needed to be said

I love you. I love you for who you are and who you aren't, for what you have and haven't done, and for what you have been and what you might become. I love you not because you are everyone else, but because you are better than everyone else, and just as flawed as everyone else. I love you because you are better than, and worse than anyone and everyone and because I don't want anything else. I love you because I know that if you never change, I will always be happy with you; and if you do change, I can be equally happy with the person you become. I love you because you accept me for what and who I am and you allow me to be whatever I choose to be. You let me indulge in all of my childish habits and while you might make fun of me for them, I love you because you love those things about me. I love you because you're hopeless and ridiculous and I love you because you can become something great. I want to be there for you through everything and I want you to know that no matter what you could do, I'll always be there to support and love you. I'm proud of every thing you've acheived, and in love with every bit of you. There is nothing in this world or any other that could dampen what I feel for you.

Euthanasia

Standing amongst a crowd of maybe two thousand as they all shouted and counted down, I waited. There was nothing really to wait for, the coming of a new year, the going of the old. As the crowd shouted "Happy New Year!" I choked back a sob. Why was it that in a huge crowd of people, I had never felt more lonely in my life? I couldn't concentrate on anything else to distract me, it just... 20 seconds from midnight, the crowd started counting; few people at first. Around 15 seconds, the crowd got more into it. I joined in. 13, 12, I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't speak, wouldn't trust my voice. I watched. What was it? Why was it?

December has been amazing. Umm...the first thing that comes to mind is my birthday. Around lunch ish, James took me out to a park and we had a picnic. After packing up most of the things, he slipped in mud, and we decided that he was basically hopeless without me. We fed ducks. After that, we went to book stores, wandered and eventually went home.

Umm...smoked cigarettes for the first time in my life. It was interesting...I guess. The weird thing is my mom says I am the type of person to get addicted easily. I've never really been addicted to anything, except maybe the endorphins from being with people or doing things with people. What else did I do? Nothing really...I guess I don 't do much outside of normal routine, eh?

-Possess me, Control me, Destroy me
Scarlet Bloodmoon