A Pull

Every time some small memory comes to mind or some small thought makes me incredibly happy, something pulls at my heart. The feeling spreads throughout my body, normally to my right hand or down further. I used to describe this as a flutter, but recently, it's starting to hurt. It's more of a longing now. It a reminder of how I used to be able to do all of these things that seem just like distant fantasies now. It makes me miss the moments that have now passed and wonder when I will ever experience the pure bliss of being able to fall asleep with him.

Rendered helpless by the sharp twinge running through my body, I can do nothing except curl together and hope it passes. Often, I will encourage more and more thoughts, more and more flutters. Wave after wave of bittersweet feeling floods through me and when I can't take the pain anymore, I let go. Slowly, the flooding goes away and all I'm left with is a deep pulsing of my heart and a fleeting bit of pain.

It doesn't really bother me that much, just sometimes it gets to the point where I can't do anything at all. Someone at school was complaining about how his breakup left him in so much pain and how his heart was hurting so much. He doesn't know pain. He doesn't know what it feels like to be constantly denied the urge and need to curl into someone and hold on forever. He doesn't know what it feels like to have been through heaven only to have it ripped away. It kind of works both ways: you can't know happiness without knowing pain, but you can't know pain without knowing true bliss. Very little people actually know pain and very little people actually know happiness. I guess I'm lucky enough to know both.

So today in English, we shared the "Rules of Love" we had written yesterday in class. The other classes had finished before us and so we shared some of those as well. It was a great laugh and very silly. Christine and I were off in our own little groups and disagreed with everything the other girls said were rules. Bella was between our group and another and we told her that she couldn't have this double input. It was just silly. I know I'm not the ideal girl for every guy, but I'm good enough. I enjoy being in the kitchen, on my knees, on my back...haha. I guess I would like to think I'm low maintenance enough to be the perfect girl, but it's been a long time since I've actually cared about being perfect. I guess my only "Rule of Love" would be that he has to be able to keep up with me. If I'm playful, I want him to play along with me...he has to be able to keep me entertained verbally and physically and be able to fit me.

I'm truly the luckiest person alive. I have the greatest friends, the easiest time dealing with opinions I do not agree with, the ability to see both sides of any argument and essentially agree with either side, and the best boyfriend I've ever had. I love that I can be myself around him and that I don't have to put a damper on my personality or behavior. I'm glad I don't have to compromise and that he fits me.

-Completed by Your Presence
Scarlet Bloodmoon