Over the past few days, I've been sleeping in and neglecting all of my duties of "Substitute Maternal Figure" unless prompted to do so. I feel like a horrible mother with anger issues so I take them out on my kids. Maybe when I'm out of college and have a stable sleep schedule and don't stay out until like 1 AM every morning because I haven't seen James all day and that's the only time to see him, I'll be a better mother. But maybe, I'll be the mother who really tries to love her children, but just ends up having lots of sex with her husband and forgets to feed them sometimes.
Apart from sleeping in (and oh, it's glorious sleeping in), I've been reading some old blog posts of some kinda famous dude I've had the fortune to meet, chat with, and walk to his Jetta with. It's been fun, silly, and more and more, I feel like it would have been kickass to have been able to meet him while he was still just a normal person with dreams.
But somehow, I tangented from there. Or maybe it was because of the music I was listening to while reading his blog posts from six years ago. But has there been a moment where you wake up and out of the blue, you feel exactly what's going to happen to you in the future, but you brush it off or misinterpret it? Did you wake up one morning years ago and know how angry you would be today? Did you wake up one morning ages ago and know how much this girl will hurt you? Maybe, you were born with the knowledge of what was going to happen, but choosing to take the adventurous way out, decided to forget just so every moment meant something. Maybe we all innately know what to do and where it goes, but we can't access that stuff until some thick and dark-looking wall breaks down and life gets easy from there. But it's not because we've worked hard in this world, but because we somehow broke down that wall. Or maybe, did you wake up one day so long ago and realize that you'd fall so deeply in love that anything that came into your path was worth getting there and no matter where you ended, everything would be okay?
When I was little, I've always pictured my future romantically. Curled in bed with some nameless and faceless figure but feeling so safe and loved. Standing in a forest clearing next to the same nameless and faceless figure happier than I've ever been. I've never been one to write my first name with the last name of my most prominent crush. I did do that sometimes, but I always ripped those out and destroyed them. That's just not me. It's always been this nameless and faceless template of a man who I would eventually meet, fall in love with, and proceed to spend at least my youth with. I could never come up with a situation where I grew old. It must have been because I was incapable of picturing myself at 18 at the age of 8. I guess I've always been in love with the idea of immortality, because even as the world around me changed, I had all the time in the world to be what I wanted and to explore every whim in the world. When high school came around, the person was still nameless and faceless. I had to force myself to put a name to the figure, I had to force myself to impose a face to the figure. Even in any of my sexual fantasies I would entertain, it was dark, I couldn't really see who was with me. It wasn't until I was in Eindhoven laying in bed with a flare of hormones telling me I really wanted an orgasm that I found myself weaving a fantasy out of someone I already knew. Months after that, I had my first sex dream. The first guy I had intercourse with, I had never committed to memory and probably never met them: a nameless, faceless template. The next guy was the same guy I wove that fantasy out of: James. It is obvious I've moved onto a new chapter of life. Maybe this won't exactly work out like I want it to, but that's okay, because this will always be significant.
I'm about ready to move on from this place. I've been here for seven years now. My room has hardly changed from when it was first set up, and after moving through thousands of color choices for my walls, they remain the white that I've been living with for seven years. It feels like it's time for a new adventure in life. I want to live away from here for just a little while. If it doesn't work out, I'll come back. If I love being out there in the world working my ass off just to stay in a house twice the size of my room and half as comfortable, I'll stay out in the world and visit every Thanksgiving and Christmas just because that's what people do. Or maybe, this desire for adventure is simply a desire to curl in bed with James every night.
So, I just pulled out his senior picture that his mother picked out. It's a shame the photographer didn't catch any of the moments where he was actually laughing. That picture is so fake. I remember that being my first thought when I first saw the thing. My second was that if it wasn't a fake smile, it simply wasn't the ones I saw everyday. It looks like one of his "I'm quietly amused at your expense" smiles, one that I've hardly witnessed, and one that hardly ever came my direction. Or he looks boyish. He never really looks boyish unless he's pouting or talking excitedly in that boyish voice he uses when we are being silly. I remember standing behind the photographer while his mother was sitting just out of the shot. There could be papers written about the psychology of this arrangement. Her superficial presence: so close but still so far from her son. My presence completely absent from the domain of the set, but the photographer used me as the reason to smile. She tried to get him to look genuine, to look really happy. She told him to imagine me in skimpy swim apparel. We laughed. She snapped a few pictures after we stopped laughing. I remember seeing one of my English friends' senior picture she chose to purchase to hand out to people. It was a beautiful picture with her laughing. It fit her so well, it was natural and wonderfully perfect. I wonder why none of the pictures his photographer took fit him nearly as well as the picture of my friend.
It's kind of sad knowing that the only picture of just me that's any good and recent is the one I have as an icon. The one in my yearbook is decent, but the more I look at it, the more I think I look evil or condescending and mean. I'm not the camera-whore type, so I obviously don't have very many pictures where I'm by myself and not trying to capture the exact shade of color my hair is because I just finished dying it. I guess, in some desperate plea for attention or maybe someone to decide I'm pretty or artful, I want some slightly amateur photographer to snap a picture of me with some really old-style almost-black-and-white background and decide it looks artful and that I accent the background well enough for this portrait to be called artful.
On a slightly related note, I've kind of become bored with being "perfect." Maybe it's because besides telling each other we miss each other and love each other, we will do the whole "you're perfect," "no, you're perfect" thing. I realize "perfect" is the nice little umbrella that says I'm cute and soft and nice and caring and so on and so on, but it'd be nice to be reminded every now and then what you think of me, specifically. I've also developed a need for someone to tell me I'm pretty. I'd settle for "pretty," but if anyone throws out a "gorgeous" or "beautiful," I'm like the sad little stray that was finally given the smallest fraction of love and now is purring madly and trying desperately to win a warm meal tonight and a safe place to sleep.
Since I'm talking about what may be considered problems: I'm getting kind of tired of hanging around groups of males under the influence of substances. Ranging anywhere from clingy beyond belief and making me (a very physical person) sick with some form of claustrophobia and mild annoyance, to acting in such a childish way that it makes me not want kids for a good ten years yet, I'm pretty much done hanging out with these people. They're wonderful and interesting people while sober, but GOD. None of them seem to understand that there are more things in life than hitting up every single night and then staying late and eating obscene amounts of food. Probably the worst realization in my life was when my favorite gay friend openly admit that he did not like being sober or couldn't stand not getting high. Wait, are you saying every one of my friends pretty much became psychologically dependent on something I easily left? Me, the person my mother was so worried about because I apparently have an addictive personality, smokes cigarettes socially (meaning like never) but never craves one, and doesn't ever want to get high like the rest of my friends? You've got to be fucking kidding me. Yeah, I smoked marijuana in the Netherlands when I was there. Yeah, I enjoyed the feeling, I enjoyed spending the night high and carefree. I enjoyed killing that whiny goody-goody girl who arrived in Europe in July of 2008. I enjoyed stepping away from that murder scene newborn and ready for a life of living by my own rules. Metaphorically of course.
But I also grew up and decided that it'd be a waste of my life and time if I spent a good deal of it in an altered state of mind forever pushing through life without actually living it. I don't know about the rest of you, but I fantasize about being someone. A large part of this fantasy is being the coolest cat like ever and showing up everyone who's ever made me cry in my life. Ex-boyfriends come and try to make me use them as advertising advisers or hire them or whatever they might be qualified to do and all I tell them is how I don't need them. I show them how cool my company thing is and they walk away like a sad kid who found out the candy store was just closed forever. Another very important part is the part where I have the coolest custom house ever and I could seriously spend every night of the week in a different bedroom without overlapping or reusing bedrooms. Half of them would never be used unless I had a whole ton of guests over for some sleep-over event, but hey, I have a whole shit ton of rooms in this really cool house I can afford because I worked towards not only a goal that makes me money, but I love my job and I love doing the things I do and helping the people I help. So I guess, in some twisted way, fantasy is my anti-drug and the scary DARE adviser of this metaphor is that I really want to be someone.
Showing posts with label James. Show all posts
Showing posts with label James. Show all posts
Friday, January 8, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Late
I know I'm late, like super late, but I'll start a post in the middle of class or something, and then the professor would talk about something super interesting or something that will be on the test and I have to pay attention. Then, I will forget completely about the poor post I've written and then leave.
There's a lot of stuff that has happened. I'm now 19. It's weird because someone asked yesterday and I automatically responded with 18. Nope! I'm not 18 anymore. Um...But let's start at like "the beginning."
I have no idea where I left off, but the really cool thing that happened to me back in November was going to see Mystery Team three times while it was here. Mystery Team is the first full-length feature film from the group Derrick Comedy and it was beyond wonderful. On the second showing I caught, a group of friends and I got the chance to hang out for a bit with one of the co-writers/actors, DC Pierson. He was a really genuine guy with great comedy skills. Like, when you meet famous people, the stereotype or expectation is to find that they are jerks or that they are really not the type of people you'd think they are. Nope. This guy was as funny in real life as he is in all of the Derrick Comedy stuff, and just as funny as we all thought he would be. I've recently gone through some of his older writing, like stuff from 2003 in blog posts, and it's a goldmine of wonderful things. He grew up in the Phoenix Metropolitan and had attended ASU, so all of this stuff that I've been reading has been more relate-able than some random famous dude that I'm slightly cyber-stalking.
Our favorite gay friend came back from Vermont in December. That was super exciting. We hung out like we always did, joked about and discussed sexuality, sex, and teenage things in general. The running joke is that we all have sex with this gay friend of ours, except for Princess who is completely afraid of homosexuality. He pretty much spent a good solid month back with us and we were deeply sorry to see him have to leave. He has the best menagerie of people for his get-togethers.
I got sick the day after my birthday. Like fever and OMG I'M GOING TO THROW UP ON YOUR FACE sick. This pretty much stayed with me for two days. Ugh. Missed some dinner and lunch invitations that sounded pretty interesting.
BUT: for Christmas/winter holiday I have no obligation to celebrate, James and I pretty much got each other the same thing. We both gave each other a new wallet since we both needed to switch out our old ones for new ones anyways.
On the 27th, my family packed into our '98 Sienna to drive to Vegas. This took us a good 8 hours maybe, because my family likes to take their time and mozy. And Hoover Dam traffic was horrible and we were stuck there for like two hours. We checked into the Stratosphere, which is a nice place to stay, and grabbed dinner at the buffet there. Meats were kind of dry and food kind of bland, but none of us where terribly hungry or picky. I got my own bed on a trip for pretty much the first time I can remember (with family). The next day, we went to the Chinatown for some breakfast before getting ready to go to a wedding. It was a nice wedding. The place was very nice and elegant, nice open bar, great snack foods, nummy cake. Throughout the entire wedding, the only memory I could remember of the groom was going to visit their family when I was like 9 for Christmas-ish and spending time playing with them. And I couldn't help but remember how I have this slightly recurring crush on his brother. But anyways: I caught the bouquet, but only because it fell to the floor and no one seemed to want it. Okay. Banquet was a really elaborate Chinese feast. It was epic and enormous and holy shit, there was so much food. That was Vegas: not nearly as dramatic as my last Vegas experience, and not nearly as scandalous.
I finally got to pass the year with James. Last year, I was off in Flagstaff while he was still down in the Valley. This year, we went over to our beloved gay friend's place and it was the three of us and his dad counting down. Great fun, slept over for the night, and got to cuddle with James in what feels like forever.
Now, all the other kiddies, except Jeremy, are in school, and I pretty much have the house to myself. James is now a salesman for fancy cutlery and is in Scottsdale for that bit. I have yet to get a job, but I might as well be a collector of financial aid/scholarships that I'm eligible for as employment. I mentioned moving out today to my father and he pretty much said that is was a stupid idea and that I would be able to live a more luxurious life living at home. Well, but I think it'd be nice to live not at home. Maybe try this out for a little and know just how much you need me and how much I need you. I'm thinking of applying to the Honors College, but the application process leads me to think that it's too late as a Lower Division student and I'll have to wait for Upper Division student-status. That's fine: I don't need your fancy Honors degree. I'll just wait for it.
Now, for something completely unrelated:
A couple of days ago, I had this really weird dream where I was pretty much flirting with this Asian guy I've probably never seen in my life. I woke up and while pondering this dream, realized that most of the guys I've had crushes on in my life were Asian (at least the recurring/hardcore ones where they last more than a few months), but I've only ended up mostly dating Caucasian guys. Weird. It kind of makes me wonder why I'm weird like that.
-Realizing How Great I've Got It
Scarlet Bloodmoon
There's a lot of stuff that has happened. I'm now 19. It's weird because someone asked yesterday and I automatically responded with 18. Nope! I'm not 18 anymore. Um...But let's start at like "the beginning."
I have no idea where I left off, but the really cool thing that happened to me back in November was going to see Mystery Team three times while it was here. Mystery Team is the first full-length feature film from the group Derrick Comedy and it was beyond wonderful. On the second showing I caught, a group of friends and I got the chance to hang out for a bit with one of the co-writers/actors, DC Pierson. He was a really genuine guy with great comedy skills. Like, when you meet famous people, the stereotype or expectation is to find that they are jerks or that they are really not the type of people you'd think they are. Nope. This guy was as funny in real life as he is in all of the Derrick Comedy stuff, and just as funny as we all thought he would be. I've recently gone through some of his older writing, like stuff from 2003 in blog posts, and it's a goldmine of wonderful things. He grew up in the Phoenix Metropolitan and had attended ASU, so all of this stuff that I've been reading has been more relate-able than some random famous dude that I'm slightly cyber-stalking.
Our favorite gay friend came back from Vermont in December. That was super exciting. We hung out like we always did, joked about and discussed sexuality, sex, and teenage things in general. The running joke is that we all have sex with this gay friend of ours, except for Princess who is completely afraid of homosexuality. He pretty much spent a good solid month back with us and we were deeply sorry to see him have to leave. He has the best menagerie of people for his get-togethers.
I got sick the day after my birthday. Like fever and OMG I'M GOING TO THROW UP ON YOUR FACE sick. This pretty much stayed with me for two days. Ugh. Missed some dinner and lunch invitations that sounded pretty interesting.
BUT: for Christmas/winter holiday I have no obligation to celebrate, James and I pretty much got each other the same thing. We both gave each other a new wallet since we both needed to switch out our old ones for new ones anyways.
On the 27th, my family packed into our '98 Sienna to drive to Vegas. This took us a good 8 hours maybe, because my family likes to take their time and mozy. And Hoover Dam traffic was horrible and we were stuck there for like two hours. We checked into the Stratosphere, which is a nice place to stay, and grabbed dinner at the buffet there. Meats were kind of dry and food kind of bland, but none of us where terribly hungry or picky. I got my own bed on a trip for pretty much the first time I can remember (with family). The next day, we went to the Chinatown for some breakfast before getting ready to go to a wedding. It was a nice wedding. The place was very nice and elegant, nice open bar, great snack foods, nummy cake. Throughout the entire wedding, the only memory I could remember of the groom was going to visit their family when I was like 9 for Christmas-ish and spending time playing with them. And I couldn't help but remember how I have this slightly recurring crush on his brother. But anyways: I caught the bouquet, but only because it fell to the floor and no one seemed to want it. Okay. Banquet was a really elaborate Chinese feast. It was epic and enormous and holy shit, there was so much food. That was Vegas: not nearly as dramatic as my last Vegas experience, and not nearly as scandalous.
I finally got to pass the year with James. Last year, I was off in Flagstaff while he was still down in the Valley. This year, we went over to our beloved gay friend's place and it was the three of us and his dad counting down. Great fun, slept over for the night, and got to cuddle with James in what feels like forever.
Now, all the other kiddies, except Jeremy, are in school, and I pretty much have the house to myself. James is now a salesman for fancy cutlery and is in Scottsdale for that bit. I have yet to get a job, but I might as well be a collector of financial aid/scholarships that I'm eligible for as employment. I mentioned moving out today to my father and he pretty much said that is was a stupid idea and that I would be able to live a more luxurious life living at home. Well, but I think it'd be nice to live not at home. Maybe try this out for a little and know just how much you need me and how much I need you. I'm thinking of applying to the Honors College, but the application process leads me to think that it's too late as a Lower Division student and I'll have to wait for Upper Division student-status. That's fine: I don't need your fancy Honors degree. I'll just wait for it.
Now, for something completely unrelated:
A couple of days ago, I had this really weird dream where I was pretty much flirting with this Asian guy I've probably never seen in my life. I woke up and while pondering this dream, realized that most of the guys I've had crushes on in my life were Asian (at least the recurring/hardcore ones where they last more than a few months), but I've only ended up mostly dating Caucasian guys. Weird. It kind of makes me wonder why I'm weird like that.
-Realizing How Great I've Got It
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Echo
So August has been fun. James and I had our one year anniversary: he got me a rose (the only boyfriend ever to give me flowers. The only other people have been Bella, and my friend Antonio. He's gay) and then we drove around doing things. We had lunch at IKEA and it was delicious. It was also super packed...We then went over to his house, watched Wall-E, had dinner while watching Cloverfield, and acted cute the entire time. It was super fun and I was extremely happy. I couldn't wait to be able to spend every day for the rest of our lives together. We'd be so incredibly in love and we'd do cute and sappy things like curl on the sofa and watch children's movies for hours, or something...This was also the day that he saw me cry...Which was interesting as I hardly ever let other people see me cry...or that I've never needed to cry when he's around. We also realized that we've never really gotten into a fight. Like, we've never had a real problem with anything the other person is doing, and if we did, the other person either took the discussion to heart, or there was a reasonable chat over it. Maybe next year, we'll have a real fight.
And then college started. That is going well. It's easier than I thought...I was so ready to be fully immersed in stuff to do, but really, I have no homework outside of class yet, and it's all so boring! I do meet up with a few friends on campus, get lunch and such, talk, chat, plot and plan...but in the long run, if this doesn't pick up, I will be deeply disappointed.
I got a new Blackberry Curve...well, not new, but it's new to me! That's super exciting. I have the phone I originally wanted! But I had to pay for it...cheap ass parents...
I went to Prescott for a weekend for the Engineering school I am apart of. A lot of the kids were from out of state, and so it was a really cool experience talking to all of these people and getting to know these people who willing came into a state of unbearable weather, and beyond poor education. There were some really cool people, some really cool people in my major, and some really cool people that I will probably see later down the road and rarely talk to, but that's okay! It was just a fun little thing and everything was stress-free and fun.
During the weekend on Prescott, it was the one-year-mark for when James and I started having sex. Not that it's really a big deal or whatever, but I do numbers...and I remember dates. I forgot it while I was in Prescott and only remembered now, if that means anything. I came back the next day, and we had some nummy and fairly hasty sex pretty much in the same place we did a year ago. Ha, we're silly. But this time, it was a different experience altogether. The ending was immensely different, it was not awkward, there was so much emotion and connection throughout the entire thing that it kind of became the perfect way to usher in a new year. Last year had a milestone. It was kind of weird and I got an email afterward, apologizing for it. This year started off worlds different. It's like the perfect representation of the growth our relationship has gone through.
Wow...that was super BS. I'm sorry I'm a girl and can pull this sort of analysis stuff out of nowhere. But um...That's pretty much it for the month of August. September sounds like a charm, and I can't wait for #13!
-Screw Unlucky! I Make My Own Luck
Scarlet Bloodmoon
PS - You know how James and I were "Single" according to Facebook, it was all a lie. Seriously. I got bored and wanted to stage a mind-fuck.
And then college started. That is going well. It's easier than I thought...I was so ready to be fully immersed in stuff to do, but really, I have no homework outside of class yet, and it's all so boring! I do meet up with a few friends on campus, get lunch and such, talk, chat, plot and plan...but in the long run, if this doesn't pick up, I will be deeply disappointed.
I got a new Blackberry Curve...well, not new, but it's new to me! That's super exciting. I have the phone I originally wanted! But I had to pay for it...cheap ass parents...
I went to Prescott for a weekend for the Engineering school I am apart of. A lot of the kids were from out of state, and so it was a really cool experience talking to all of these people and getting to know these people who willing came into a state of unbearable weather, and beyond poor education. There were some really cool people, some really cool people in my major, and some really cool people that I will probably see later down the road and rarely talk to, but that's okay! It was just a fun little thing and everything was stress-free and fun.
During the weekend on Prescott, it was the one-year-mark for when James and I started having sex. Not that it's really a big deal or whatever, but I do numbers...and I remember dates. I forgot it while I was in Prescott and only remembered now, if that means anything. I came back the next day, and we had some nummy and fairly hasty sex pretty much in the same place we did a year ago. Ha, we're silly. But this time, it was a different experience altogether. The ending was immensely different, it was not awkward, there was so much emotion and connection throughout the entire thing that it kind of became the perfect way to usher in a new year. Last year had a milestone. It was kind of weird and I got an email afterward, apologizing for it. This year started off worlds different. It's like the perfect representation of the growth our relationship has gone through.
Wow...that was super BS. I'm sorry I'm a girl and can pull this sort of analysis stuff out of nowhere. But um...That's pretty much it for the month of August. September sounds like a charm, and I can't wait for #13!
-Screw Unlucky! I Make My Own Luck
Scarlet Bloodmoon
PS - You know how James and I were "Single" according to Facebook, it was all a lie. Seriously. I got bored and wanted to stage a mind-fuck.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Karma
New month, one month from last post.
Okay, this one is a little bit more about my sexuality and level of sexual activity. General disclaimer.
So I got back from Taiwan, it was great, solid week of hedonism. Like, at least once every day for seven days. At the end, Plan B. First time I've ever taken synthetic hormones intentionally, and definitely something I didn't dread or feel weird about like I thought I might about a year ago. Maybe it was the person, or the fact that it might have been I was really fertile this time. Definitely learned some lessons, and when the progesterone wears off, I'm for sure going onto watch.
I guess this sounds a tad vague...
Okay. Run down of the reproductive stuff I was talking about:
Firstly, every girl has cycles. It's like a rollercoaster that hardly changes. Sometimes, there are unexpected failures and riders are stuck in the middle for like an hour, but it hardly happens. Typically, the first day of the cycle is counted as the first day of a girl's period. The published average is 28 days per cycle, but that's totally off for most people. About half-way into the cycle, the girl is the most fertile during that cycle. This is a five day window and unprotected sex is going to lead to pregnancy in most cases. It depends on the girl, and there are many ways to tell without having to buy fertility tests. The period before that window, and after the window are safe days for unprotected without any reproduction. (As a side note, sperm can probably last about 3 days if conditions are slightly fertile. 5 is the safe number to work for, but it's sacrificing two days of clumsy teenage trying. The fertile egg window is about a day, so the window is three or four days before ovulation and the day after. For getting pregnant, if the couple is willing, sex all five days will definitely increase those chances.)
Some ways to tell about fertility are the Basal Body Temperature method where waking body temperatures are charted each morning and compared to show when ovulation has occured. The highest temperature recorded in a cycle is when the female is most fertile. This method only works to identify fertility after it has past, so it is often used to prevent pregnancy. Another method would be to observe cervical fluid. This fluid is different from arousal fluid in many ways. It is produced from the cervix and often is the main liquid transport system for sperm in the vagina. The fluid will vary in consistancy, color, and taste and by identifying the fluid, it can help in monitoring fertility. At a woman's most fertile time, the fluid is clear, almost tasteless, and as the consistancy of egg whites. It is really thick, stretchy. In a woman's most unfertile times, she will be dry, or have a crumbly, yellow or milky fluid that usually tastes sour. The last common way to monitor fertility is by the positioning of the cervix.
Birth control and hormones are ways to regulate the reproductive system artificially. By using birth control that contains hormones, the body's natural hormones are overridden and the synthetic hormones regulate the body's cycle. Commercial birth control usually use a 28 day cycle and give the girl a week of placebos that allow the uterine lining to shed and she will experience a "period" without shedding a fertilized egg. Most commercial birth control pills, if not all, are doses of progesterone, estrogen, or both and prevent the body from fertilizing eggs and releasing them. Emergency contraceptives are larger doses of birth control pills and often cause some or all of the following: it stops the body from fertilizing an egg, or thins the uterine lining and prevents the fertilized embryo from attaching to the uterus wall.
Back to story:
So that was pretty much it. We've been using barrier contraceptives more and more often (read every time now) (and by barrier contraceptives, I mean male condoms). It's a lot cleaner (no run-off down my leg), and a lot easier to pack up. Ooh! So the other day, I had my first bout of sex while under the influence. It was interesting: we were both super difficult. It took ME forever to get to any semblance of release myself. Yeah, that's pretty much the run-down of my sex life...Just this is it times maybe 5 on my side of the computer screen.
-Breathless
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Okay, this one is a little bit more about my sexuality and level of sexual activity. General disclaimer.
So I got back from Taiwan, it was great, solid week of hedonism. Like, at least once every day for seven days. At the end, Plan B. First time I've ever taken synthetic hormones intentionally, and definitely something I didn't dread or feel weird about like I thought I might about a year ago. Maybe it was the person, or the fact that it might have been I was really fertile this time. Definitely learned some lessons, and when the progesterone wears off, I'm for sure going onto watch.
I guess this sounds a tad vague...
Okay. Run down of the reproductive stuff I was talking about:
Firstly, every girl has cycles. It's like a rollercoaster that hardly changes. Sometimes, there are unexpected failures and riders are stuck in the middle for like an hour, but it hardly happens. Typically, the first day of the cycle is counted as the first day of a girl's period. The published average is 28 days per cycle, but that's totally off for most people. About half-way into the cycle, the girl is the most fertile during that cycle. This is a five day window and unprotected sex is going to lead to pregnancy in most cases. It depends on the girl, and there are many ways to tell without having to buy fertility tests. The period before that window, and after the window are safe days for unprotected without any reproduction. (As a side note, sperm can probably last about 3 days if conditions are slightly fertile. 5 is the safe number to work for, but it's sacrificing two days of clumsy teenage trying. The fertile egg window is about a day, so the window is three or four days before ovulation and the day after. For getting pregnant, if the couple is willing, sex all five days will definitely increase those chances.)
Some ways to tell about fertility are the Basal Body Temperature method where waking body temperatures are charted each morning and compared to show when ovulation has occured. The highest temperature recorded in a cycle is when the female is most fertile. This method only works to identify fertility after it has past, so it is often used to prevent pregnancy. Another method would be to observe cervical fluid. This fluid is different from arousal fluid in many ways. It is produced from the cervix and often is the main liquid transport system for sperm in the vagina. The fluid will vary in consistancy, color, and taste and by identifying the fluid, it can help in monitoring fertility. At a woman's most fertile time, the fluid is clear, almost tasteless, and as the consistancy of egg whites. It is really thick, stretchy. In a woman's most unfertile times, she will be dry, or have a crumbly, yellow or milky fluid that usually tastes sour. The last common way to monitor fertility is by the positioning of the cervix.
Birth control and hormones are ways to regulate the reproductive system artificially. By using birth control that contains hormones, the body's natural hormones are overridden and the synthetic hormones regulate the body's cycle. Commercial birth control usually use a 28 day cycle and give the girl a week of placebos that allow the uterine lining to shed and she will experience a "period" without shedding a fertilized egg. Most commercial birth control pills, if not all, are doses of progesterone, estrogen, or both and prevent the body from fertilizing eggs and releasing them. Emergency contraceptives are larger doses of birth control pills and often cause some or all of the following: it stops the body from fertilizing an egg, or thins the uterine lining and prevents the fertilized embryo from attaching to the uterus wall.
Back to story:
So that was pretty much it. We've been using barrier contraceptives more and more often (read every time now) (and by barrier contraceptives, I mean male condoms). It's a lot cleaner (no run-off down my leg), and a lot easier to pack up. Ooh! So the other day, I had my first bout of sex while under the influence. It was interesting: we were both super difficult. It took ME forever to get to any semblance of release myself. Yeah, that's pretty much the run-down of my sex life...Just this is it times maybe 5 on my side of the computer screen.
-Breathless
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Prom
I guess it all started way back in March. It was like...a week before the 20th or something, I don't remember, but I drove down to My Sister's Closet and picked out a dress. One shop, one dress to try on, and that was it. I didn't go to five thousand different stores and I didn't try on dress after dress. I do that stuff for fun, not dress shopping. So I spent less than 40 dollars on my dress, and it took me half an hour of debating whether or not I want to spend like 37 dollars on a dress. I'd like to see a girl beat that figure.
That same day, I picked out James' birthday present. I went to two stores for that one.
Then, pretty much three weeks later, I started considering things. Like hardcore considering. Things to match with, hairstyle, makeup...and for a week, I considered and "researched" and then for two days tried and played with. The day before Prom, everything was figured out. I bought a curling iron, and played with it. I probably did my hair three times in those two days before I left my house in my dress. I will be super generous and say it took me about 24 hours cumulatively to get ready.
Dinner was super fun. We went to the Indian place down in Tempe and spent fifteen dollars on the meal. It was super filling too. And then we got ice cream for $2.14. We got there, went in, met up with some people, looked/waiting for some people, danced, and just had a lot of fun. Not as destructive as last year though...and it looked like there were considerably less teachers in the main room than there were last year. Gamal got Prom King and Amanda got Queen. Not bad. They Rick Rolled everyone on the way out. It was ridiculous.
After that, we went to Denny's (and by "we," that would be James and me) and we had a small snack. And then we went "home" and went to bed.
So all in all, Prom cost us:
80 (tux rental)
70 (tickets)
40 (dress)
33 (food and drink)
10 (gas)
5 (corsage and boutineer material)
((And some other stuff that we had thought of, but I can't recall...but that was about 50))
for a total of 295 dollars...somehow.
Take that everyone else. Our Prom cost us about as much as a really pricey dress, which I'm sure some girl went out and bought.
-Fuck Yeah
Scarlet Bloodmoon
That same day, I picked out James' birthday present. I went to two stores for that one.
Then, pretty much three weeks later, I started considering things. Like hardcore considering. Things to match with, hairstyle, makeup...and for a week, I considered and "researched" and then for two days tried and played with. The day before Prom, everything was figured out. I bought a curling iron, and played with it. I probably did my hair three times in those two days before I left my house in my dress. I will be super generous and say it took me about 24 hours cumulatively to get ready.
Dinner was super fun. We went to the Indian place down in Tempe and spent fifteen dollars on the meal. It was super filling too. And then we got ice cream for $2.14. We got there, went in, met up with some people, looked/waiting for some people, danced, and just had a lot of fun. Not as destructive as last year though...and it looked like there were considerably less teachers in the main room than there were last year. Gamal got Prom King and Amanda got Queen. Not bad. They Rick Rolled everyone on the way out. It was ridiculous.
After that, we went to Denny's (and by "we," that would be James and me) and we had a small snack. And then we went "home" and went to bed.
So all in all, Prom cost us:
80 (tux rental)
70 (tickets)
40 (dress)
33 (food and drink)
10 (gas)
5 (corsage and boutineer material)
((And some other stuff that we had thought of, but I can't recall...but that was about 50))
for a total of 295 dollars...somehow.
Take that everyone else. Our Prom cost us about as much as a really pricey dress, which I'm sure some girl went out and bought.
-Fuck Yeah
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Really? 237? Wow
I got bored last night, while I should be sleeping, and started counting. I count things for fun. Normally how many days have past since significant dates or events, and other silly stuff like that. So, I started thinking about how James has joked about going just enough to officially be my longest relationship and then end it. Well, so I counted. My longest relationship lasted 237 days and this one is at 231. So, officially, Saturday April 11, 2009 James will have won. That is also the day of Prom.
Today is Daniel's birthday. I woke up to my alarm at 7:30. For a brief moment, I wondered why I was getting up. Oh. AP Chem study session. I genuinely enjoy Dr. Kelvin and AP Chem, so I drag myself out of bed, get ready, listen to this interview on the radio for a bit and then leave. Around 1, I get back home, after weaving around Val Vista/Lindsey and Riggs. I really didn't want to come home, and really, I had till 3. So, I get home, get to my room, become frustrated with having nothing to do and go back to bed.
OH! that reminds me of this weird dream I had. So, the world was being taken over by aliens. Yes. It started off with this asteroid hitting earth and soon, alien space ships start arriving. Um...so basically I was running around with one of the robotics mentors, trying not to be overpowered by the aliens, which I guess are shapeless or generically shaped, because I don't remember what they looked like. They were "pacifists" though, and persuaded people to join them. Creepy! Um...and apparently, people were getting ready for Prom? And so it was like half of a day before the dance, running around, aliens, trying to run away from people and defeat the aliens, being trapped, and then waking up? It was ridiculous. I think the weirdest part was during the dream, I was contemplating fellatio? I don't know. It's just one of those things.
Um...so I took a nap, woke up, my mom apparently bought a cake and my dad had bought a cake, so we're like...One of them is for Jeremy? My dad sucks at knowing how old we are. I swear, he only pays attention to when Jeremy and I turn 18 because then he has total control over whether or not we stay here. Tch.
I'm so excited for the rest of the year, though. This will be so much fun and I can't wait.
Ooh! So we're going back to Taiwan over the summer. My mom was talking about the things we could go do and I'm genuinely excited for an opportunity to go back. Um...That's about it.
So, I started this post to talk about April 11, and ended up rambling. That's cool.
-I can't Wait?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Today is Daniel's birthday. I woke up to my alarm at 7:30. For a brief moment, I wondered why I was getting up. Oh. AP Chem study session. I genuinely enjoy Dr. Kelvin and AP Chem, so I drag myself out of bed, get ready, listen to this interview on the radio for a bit and then leave. Around 1, I get back home, after weaving around Val Vista/Lindsey and Riggs. I really didn't want to come home, and really, I had till 3. So, I get home, get to my room, become frustrated with having nothing to do and go back to bed.
OH! that reminds me of this weird dream I had. So, the world was being taken over by aliens. Yes. It started off with this asteroid hitting earth and soon, alien space ships start arriving. Um...so basically I was running around with one of the robotics mentors, trying not to be overpowered by the aliens, which I guess are shapeless or generically shaped, because I don't remember what they looked like. They were "pacifists" though, and persuaded people to join them. Creepy! Um...and apparently, people were getting ready for Prom? And so it was like half of a day before the dance, running around, aliens, trying to run away from people and defeat the aliens, being trapped, and then waking up? It was ridiculous. I think the weirdest part was during the dream, I was contemplating fellatio? I don't know. It's just one of those things.
Um...so I took a nap, woke up, my mom apparently bought a cake and my dad had bought a cake, so we're like...One of them is for Jeremy? My dad sucks at knowing how old we are. I swear, he only pays attention to when Jeremy and I turn 18 because then he has total control over whether or not we stay here. Tch.
I'm so excited for the rest of the year, though. This will be so much fun and I can't wait.
Ooh! So we're going back to Taiwan over the summer. My mom was talking about the things we could go do and I'm genuinely excited for an opportunity to go back. Um...That's about it.
So, I started this post to talk about April 11, and ended up rambling. That's cool.
-I can't Wait?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Friday, April 3, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
The New Dawn
We are all finally adults, but it doesn't feel like it. I still agree with everything everyone says, and am in the middle of all the groups because of it. I still have the messiest room ever, but that's how my mind works. I still am in love with giving away all of my time, am still super miserly, and I am still a kid unless I grew up so fast I don't remember the transition.
It's scary. Technically, I could be in charge of children: pure, innocent, clean slates. This scares me to no end. I am not ready for huge responsibility. Sometimes, I'm not even responsible enough for myself and constantly amaze myself that I can actually get up in the mornings. When did this happen?
Finally, James is legal. It's been three months since I've been legal, and for those three months, it really hasn't bothered me. But, finally, we can do stuff that he's never been able to. Umm...like we can go to clubs? But I guess, we're not really going to do much of that stuff...
(March 22, 2009)
He got all excited about the things he is now allowed to do, and asked if I had felt it too. I really haven't. Life hasn't really changed for me since I turned 18. I am now more cautious because my dad has a short temper and can really throw me out and I'd have nowhere to go. All of my friends were 17 still and I would have no one to do silly and crazy adult stuff with. I mean, yeah, I can get tattoos and piercings, but I don't want to look after it, and I don't want to not be able to do stuff because of a huge open wound thing I have.
So, I was reading some of my first posts, going through the first like 25 posts to find a date of something before going back and reading things. It is silly how many things don't apply anymore, or contrast so sharply from what is today. There was a post way back in March, probably a little more than a year ago, where I talk about a tad of palm-reading I had read into and what the meanings of pinky rings were. Well, over the summer, I had gotten one: a cute little silver ring with a spherical piece of hematite mounted and such. And then, I think shortly after getting it, we go to the beach. These two Polish guys come up to me and blatantly start flirting with me despite the language barrier. It got to the point where the guy who was mainly flirting had to rely on the other guy to translate. That was ridiculous. But before I got the ring, we had gone to a club and I had gotten two guys to dance with me simultaneously. So I guess, I'm just the type of person where I exude a sense of confidence to the point where I'm approachable, but still picky enough to need some sort of stability to go further than simple banter.
When I was in Eindhoven, I had a slightly prophetic dream? James was sitting in a wooden chair without arms and I had approached him. Either there was some light banter, or not, but eventually, I kissed him. He pulled me onto his lap and we kissed again. Beaming, I had said, "We suck at being just friends." As it turns out, yes, we were the worst "just friends" couple ever.
But anyways, I guess the whole point of this little digression was to say that my pinky ring doesn't really mean that I'm looking for sex (even though when I lose it, we seem to find less time for it), but that I had left all of my emotional baggage and finally moved on. It was also the joint that I had participated in smoking, and the other that I had shared with Jeremy. It was dancing with about four or five people at the club, getting slightly tipsy, and just having a great time in a manner my goody-goody self wouldn't do. Yes, I got sex after I got my ring, but only because I had left every bit of the morals I could live without behind. And to think that at one point, I had declared to practice abstinence. Tch.
So I guess from here on out, everything I do is my decision. I have no one to blame for the things I do except myself. Well, at least I can go buy things to make the rest of my life just a little bit more fun.
-Give Me The Road to Fulfillment; Forget Morals and Decency
Scarlet Bloodmoon
It's scary. Technically, I could be in charge of children: pure, innocent, clean slates. This scares me to no end. I am not ready for huge responsibility. Sometimes, I'm not even responsible enough for myself and constantly amaze myself that I can actually get up in the mornings. When did this happen?
Finally, James is legal. It's been three months since I've been legal, and for those three months, it really hasn't bothered me. But, finally, we can do stuff that he's never been able to. Umm...like we can go to clubs? But I guess, we're not really going to do much of that stuff...
(March 22, 2009)
He got all excited about the things he is now allowed to do, and asked if I had felt it too. I really haven't. Life hasn't really changed for me since I turned 18. I am now more cautious because my dad has a short temper and can really throw me out and I'd have nowhere to go. All of my friends were 17 still and I would have no one to do silly and crazy adult stuff with. I mean, yeah, I can get tattoos and piercings, but I don't want to look after it, and I don't want to not be able to do stuff because of a huge open wound thing I have.
So, I was reading some of my first posts, going through the first like 25 posts to find a date of something before going back and reading things. It is silly how many things don't apply anymore, or contrast so sharply from what is today. There was a post way back in March, probably a little more than a year ago, where I talk about a tad of palm-reading I had read into and what the meanings of pinky rings were. Well, over the summer, I had gotten one: a cute little silver ring with a spherical piece of hematite mounted and such. And then, I think shortly after getting it, we go to the beach. These two Polish guys come up to me and blatantly start flirting with me despite the language barrier. It got to the point where the guy who was mainly flirting had to rely on the other guy to translate. That was ridiculous. But before I got the ring, we had gone to a club and I had gotten two guys to dance with me simultaneously. So I guess, I'm just the type of person where I exude a sense of confidence to the point where I'm approachable, but still picky enough to need some sort of stability to go further than simple banter.
When I was in Eindhoven, I had a slightly prophetic dream? James was sitting in a wooden chair without arms and I had approached him. Either there was some light banter, or not, but eventually, I kissed him. He pulled me onto his lap and we kissed again. Beaming, I had said, "We suck at being just friends." As it turns out, yes, we were the worst "just friends" couple ever.
But anyways, I guess the whole point of this little digression was to say that my pinky ring doesn't really mean that I'm looking for sex (even though when I lose it, we seem to find less time for it), but that I had left all of my emotional baggage and finally moved on. It was also the joint that I had participated in smoking, and the other that I had shared with Jeremy. It was dancing with about four or five people at the club, getting slightly tipsy, and just having a great time in a manner my goody-goody self wouldn't do. Yes, I got sex after I got my ring, but only because I had left every bit of the morals I could live without behind. And to think that at one point, I had declared to practice abstinence. Tch.
So I guess from here on out, everything I do is my decision. I have no one to blame for the things I do except myself. Well, at least I can go buy things to make the rest of my life just a little bit more fun.
-Give Me The Road to Fulfillment; Forget Morals and Decency
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Woo, It's been a year and two days.
Wow, I was really a whiny little girl. And it's silly: I started this thing 367 days ago to detail any amount of scandal or gossip in my life in an attempt to convince myself that Spring Break didn't have to be horribly boring because I was completely hopeless and single. My life, currently, would outrage so many religious people and worry my mother to no end, but I don't talk about everything I do. Maybe now that I have attention, I'm censoring myself! What's this?
Maybe it's because I don't need to remember every little bit of this stuff and so I've stopped talking about it, or maybe because it is really of no consequence to you, the reader, what I have done.
But anyways: Steak and a Blowjob day.
Basically, it is the male version of Valentine's Day (as it is about 28 days afterward). On Valentine's Day, the guy usually works his ass off trying to do something sweet and creative to "prove" his love for his partner. The commercial holiday basically is aimed at girls: all the spending goes towards them anyways. So, on March 14th, guys are "spoiled" with steak and a blowjob (which typically are the two things guys always want...well, if they can't get steak and sex).
Anyways, yesterday was fun. At like 3 ish, went to the driving range with James. It was fun, stress relieving, and silly. We left at like 4 and ended driving around for a good hour and a half. We stopped by the Walgreen's and decided to wander the aisles: ended up at the family planning aisle. Did you know that the Lambskin condoms are like 3-4 dollars a piece? That's pricy. We ended up at my house and sat and chatted for a little bit. James decided to put some coolent in his AC system and as he popped his hood up, my mom walks out of the garage. She asks if everything is okay and after a short explanation, she invites James to dinner. So we head off to dinner, Andrei was riding in the backseat.
At the end of dinner, my dad basically said he was the only one there with a real job. That was mean. On the way back home, my mom calls and says there's a UFO thing. We decided it was a blimp. So when we got to my house, James and I sat in the car and we pondered how he was different from all of my other relationships. The list got ridiculous.
Today hasn't been that exciting. Eh, tired
-What is it with Milestones?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Maybe it's because I don't need to remember every little bit of this stuff and so I've stopped talking about it, or maybe because it is really of no consequence to you, the reader, what I have done.
But anyways: Steak and a Blowjob day.
Basically, it is the male version of Valentine's Day (as it is about 28 days afterward). On Valentine's Day, the guy usually works his ass off trying to do something sweet and creative to "prove" his love for his partner. The commercial holiday basically is aimed at girls: all the spending goes towards them anyways. So, on March 14th, guys are "spoiled" with steak and a blowjob (which typically are the two things guys always want...well, if they can't get steak and sex).
Anyways, yesterday was fun. At like 3 ish, went to the driving range with James. It was fun, stress relieving, and silly. We left at like 4 and ended driving around for a good hour and a half. We stopped by the Walgreen's and decided to wander the aisles: ended up at the family planning aisle. Did you know that the Lambskin condoms are like 3-4 dollars a piece? That's pricy. We ended up at my house and sat and chatted for a little bit. James decided to put some coolent in his AC system and as he popped his hood up, my mom walks out of the garage. She asks if everything is okay and after a short explanation, she invites James to dinner. So we head off to dinner, Andrei was riding in the backseat.
At the end of dinner, my dad basically said he was the only one there with a real job. That was mean. On the way back home, my mom calls and says there's a UFO thing. We decided it was a blimp. So when we got to my house, James and I sat in the car and we pondered how he was different from all of my other relationships. The list got ridiculous.
Today hasn't been that exciting. Eh, tired
-What is it with Milestones?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Thursday, March 12, 2009
My Life in Terms of PostSecret
I guess my first encounter with PostSecret was while sitting in the family room watching one of those music channels before it was all rap and reality junk. All American Rejects had just come out with "Dirty Little Secret" and their music video was playing on MTV or Fuse or one of those. Anyways, all throughout the video, they have people hold up little secrets. Those come from the first PostSecret book. This was my first encounter with the project, though at the time, I had no idea about it.
Next, it was probably the day after Christmas 2007 in Vegas. My mother and I were shopping at the Forums and wandered into an Anthropologie. I guess the fact that the store was completely "liberal" and "hippie" attracted both my mother and I, so we spent a decent amount of time in there. I tend to shop based on the price tag, and since this was the Forums, it'll all be expensive stuff that I might try to find a knock-off of elsewhere. So, I wandered to the back of the store, and there was a little section of books just piled ontop of each other. It was a simple brown book that looked like it was wrapped in a paper grocery bag. Big black lettering read "Post Secret." Okay. I opened it up. I flipped through the pages, read the secrets, and I guess I might have connected with some, cried over others, and was appalled at how violent the others were. We left shortly after.
Sometime in mid 2008, an application on Facebook invited me to a Post Secret application thing were it allowed you to attach secrets to posts and comments. This reminded me of the project, and so I went to their website. I browsed through pages and pages of people's favorite secrets, the painful ones, the sweet ones, and the ones that made me cry for hours because it made me feel so empty or because I connected way too much to the heartbroken and slightly pitiful people. I wrote some of the things I wish I could tell people on little pieces of cardstock I had in my room, hid them away, stared at the hiding place, and eventually burned the bits of secrets I had written. They aren't important anymore anyways. I saved all the secrets from PostSecret that I enjoyed: the ones that I laughed at, the ones that were super sweet, or the ones that made me giggle because they were ludacris and bold.
I have a feeling that there is a postcard out there for every step of my life. There is a postcard out there that can perfectly summarize my childhood, the hatred I had for people going through my things, the annoyance every time someone dug through my drawers to find the bag of candy I was planning on saving. There is a postcard for high school. Something about finding and losing friends and about falling in and out of love. There is one that will summarize the rest of my adult life. I hope it's a good one.
So I guess in the spirit of this whole huge blog post about PostSecret, the postcard of the day:
We had an AcDec party at James' house today. At 6:36 ish, I get to his house, open the front screen thing and walk into the living room. His dad kind of double-takes as I walk in and I manage a super pathetic hello because my voice was shot from being sick. Sat down, watched some South Park, and eventually talked about what we were planning on having for dinner. Eventually went to Arby's, because they had a really good deal going on. Sat around waiting for Dmitri to finish a cigarette, talked about how pathetic he is, and then headed back. Spent the last hour watching The Onion Movie and curling up with James. It was all good and fun. I miss being able to do that. I want to be able to stay in his arms for hours, listening to his heart beating.
At the end of the hour, I totally didn't want to go. (Wow, that was a really crappy summary...) Anyways, that was the secret of that moment.
Next, it was probably the day after Christmas 2007 in Vegas. My mother and I were shopping at the Forums and wandered into an Anthropologie. I guess the fact that the store was completely "liberal" and "hippie" attracted both my mother and I, so we spent a decent amount of time in there. I tend to shop based on the price tag, and since this was the Forums, it'll all be expensive stuff that I might try to find a knock-off of elsewhere. So, I wandered to the back of the store, and there was a little section of books just piled ontop of each other. It was a simple brown book that looked like it was wrapped in a paper grocery bag. Big black lettering read "Post Secret." Okay. I opened it up. I flipped through the pages, read the secrets, and I guess I might have connected with some, cried over others, and was appalled at how violent the others were. We left shortly after.
Sometime in mid 2008, an application on Facebook invited me to a Post Secret application thing were it allowed you to attach secrets to posts and comments. This reminded me of the project, and so I went to their website. I browsed through pages and pages of people's favorite secrets, the painful ones, the sweet ones, and the ones that made me cry for hours because it made me feel so empty or because I connected way too much to the heartbroken and slightly pitiful people. I wrote some of the things I wish I could tell people on little pieces of cardstock I had in my room, hid them away, stared at the hiding place, and eventually burned the bits of secrets I had written. They aren't important anymore anyways. I saved all the secrets from PostSecret that I enjoyed: the ones that I laughed at, the ones that were super sweet, or the ones that made me giggle because they were ludacris and bold.
I have a feeling that there is a postcard out there for every step of my life. There is a postcard out there that can perfectly summarize my childhood, the hatred I had for people going through my things, the annoyance every time someone dug through my drawers to find the bag of candy I was planning on saving. There is a postcard for high school. Something about finding and losing friends and about falling in and out of love. There is one that will summarize the rest of my adult life. I hope it's a good one.
So I guess in the spirit of this whole huge blog post about PostSecret, the postcard of the day:
We had an AcDec party at James' house today. At 6:36 ish, I get to his house, open the front screen thing and walk into the living room. His dad kind of double-takes as I walk in and I manage a super pathetic hello because my voice was shot from being sick. Sat down, watched some South Park, and eventually talked about what we were planning on having for dinner. Eventually went to Arby's, because they had a really good deal going on. Sat around waiting for Dmitri to finish a cigarette, talked about how pathetic he is, and then headed back. Spent the last hour watching The Onion Movie and curling up with James. It was all good and fun. I miss being able to do that. I want to be able to stay in his arms for hours, listening to his heart beating.
At the end of the hour, I totally didn't want to go. (Wow, that was a really crappy summary...) Anyways, that was the secret of that moment.
Monday, March 2, 2009
A gift any girl would love: Pearls
Now, the really materialistic and high-maintenance will want tangible, permanent ones, but I'd gladly settle for beads of that wonderful substance of life. Apparently, Cleopatra smashed pearls and downed that fine powder in a wine to preserve her youth. In another matter of speaking, I'm probably downing more pearls that Cleopatra ever had the wealth to buy.
Um...Oh, so today in English, our little corner discussed reactions for finding out at that moment we were pregnant (since it was three girls and a guy). Besides being shocked beyond all belief (I was on my period about three weeks ago, probably close to ovulation), I thought about the dream James told me about yesterday. At any rate, I would be heartbroken. I would really want to keep it, but that would mean I'd have to give up a lot of my future for the kid.
Eh, done. Whatever.
-Back to Reading Bad Romance
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Um...Oh, so today in English, our little corner discussed reactions for finding out at that moment we were pregnant (since it was three girls and a guy). Besides being shocked beyond all belief (I was on my period about three weeks ago, probably close to ovulation), I thought about the dream James told me about yesterday. At any rate, I would be heartbroken. I would really want to keep it, but that would mean I'd have to give up a lot of my future for the kid.
Eh, done. Whatever.
-Back to Reading Bad Romance
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Save Me So I Can Save Myself
TV ranting: something I hardly ever do. So, I just finished season 2 of Torchwood, and while it is a very interesting bit of sci-fi goodness, I was fairly disappointed in their choice to kill off my two favorite characters. Why did they have to kill the cynic twice and the brilliant smart Asian chick?
But all of today, I’ve been excessively moody and needy. I don’t know why it started, but at dinner, I got extremely annoyed at Andrei and then totally annoyed at my dad to the point where I didn’t really talk at all and then spoke through my teeth whenever my dad expected me to respond. And then after dinner, for the next two hours, I seethed with lack of attention and desperately needed human contact outside of my family. I’ve probably cried four times in the last three hours and it’s sad. I’m crying over nothing at all really. It just won’t stop. It’s like there’s an empty little spot in me and by probing at it (which I guess I always probe at the spots that hurt the most and see if that will push me over the edge) only makes it hurt so much to the point where I need to be held and I need to be with someone.
Damn it. I’m going to wake up alone tomorrow. And after waking up alone, I’m going hit the snooze button on my alarms and pretend I’m sleeping for another ten minutes. I will finally get out of bed, get dressed, get ready, stall a bit and then leave. It’ll be the same time and time again. Nothing will change. I don’t want to wake up alone anymore. I want someone with me. I don’t know, maybe I’ve grown dependent on having someone with me. Maybe I’m getting totally used to having something to hold onto that now, when I have nothing, I don’t want to handle it.
I’m sick and tired of people using me to get an opinion or an answer. I’m done with being the only one who knows how to do things in my house. For once, I want someone to call me because they wanted to chat about something or because they haven’t talked to me in forever. I want someone to call me out of the blue just to say hi. Through all of my life, I’ve always been the person who will listen to any story because someone needed to talk. I’ve never been able to assert myself in one-on-one conversations enough to have someone listen to me. If given the chance, I couldn’t spend forever talking about myself or what I believe in. I’m not good at vocalizing my opinions or ideals and eventually, I’ll just shut down even more. No. All I want is someone to fall asleep with.
-Maybe this is just the stress
Scarlet Bloodmoon
But all of today, I’ve been excessively moody and needy. I don’t know why it started, but at dinner, I got extremely annoyed at Andrei and then totally annoyed at my dad to the point where I didn’t really talk at all and then spoke through my teeth whenever my dad expected me to respond. And then after dinner, for the next two hours, I seethed with lack of attention and desperately needed human contact outside of my family. I’ve probably cried four times in the last three hours and it’s sad. I’m crying over nothing at all really. It just won’t stop. It’s like there’s an empty little spot in me and by probing at it (which I guess I always probe at the spots that hurt the most and see if that will push me over the edge) only makes it hurt so much to the point where I need to be held and I need to be with someone.
Damn it. I’m going to wake up alone tomorrow. And after waking up alone, I’m going hit the snooze button on my alarms and pretend I’m sleeping for another ten minutes. I will finally get out of bed, get dressed, get ready, stall a bit and then leave. It’ll be the same time and time again. Nothing will change. I don’t want to wake up alone anymore. I want someone with me. I don’t know, maybe I’ve grown dependent on having someone with me. Maybe I’m getting totally used to having something to hold onto that now, when I have nothing, I don’t want to handle it.
I’m sick and tired of people using me to get an opinion or an answer. I’m done with being the only one who knows how to do things in my house. For once, I want someone to call me because they wanted to chat about something or because they haven’t talked to me in forever. I want someone to call me out of the blue just to say hi. Through all of my life, I’ve always been the person who will listen to any story because someone needed to talk. I’ve never been able to assert myself in one-on-one conversations enough to have someone listen to me. If given the chance, I couldn’t spend forever talking about myself or what I believe in. I’m not good at vocalizing my opinions or ideals and eventually, I’ll just shut down even more. No. All I want is someone to fall asleep with.
-Maybe this is just the stress
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Mother, May I?
Today was rather off...It started out like a normal day I guess...but in English, we decided to have a party, and so we did. It was exciting (not really), we had food, and it was just a very fun and relaxing day. World History was alright. Nothing super fun, nothing totally boring. I had only seen James as I was walking from Physics to English and later when he was at work, and very much later when he came and visited me afterward.
I think we've gotten to a point where we are constantly denied any real intimacy in our relationship. Sure, there are places and times where we can be physically intimate, but there never really is a time where I can enjoy just being alone and so close to him without something looming ahead or needing to be done. I miss falling asleep with him. I miss being able to do absolutely nothing for long periods of time without the need to rush off elsewhere. I miss sneaking into his bed to just be there with him, and just to know that for a few hours, I can just listen to his heart beating and feel his arms wrapped around me. It's now at the point where we've been denied this over and over again to the point where it's the only thing we want. It takes us longer to leave each other. We'll spend fifteen minutes, if we have them, to say goodbye not because there's the potential for sex or because it'll score us points, but I'm hesitant to leave because it feels so wonderful to be held. I miss him as much as I do because he's being pulled away from me through obligations. We always want what we can't have, right?
I guess that leads me to a new tangent. Abstinence education does not work. Sure, it's the 100% guarantee way to keep free of pregnancies and STDs, but what about the kids who have no "moral" upbringing and are now cheated from Safe Sex Education because bigots in the government and bureaucracy think the two are the same thing. I'm thankful for television and the internet, for without the two, I'm sure to have destroyed my natural balance of hormones or be a teenage mother. Also, it plays against the idea of temptation, human nature and children always wanting what they cannot have. I don't get why the abstinence people have to play to the idea that after sex, the relationship will become dead. Does that mean that if you ended up marrying the person because they were "so understanding and perfect" but were only looking for sex that the person would have changed because you put a ring on it? Are they implying that by settling down, sex will now be the last thing on their mind? This also teaches to guys that the only ticket to sex is marriage, thus inflating the divorce rate. I am worth it. I'm worth more than the deception of horny males who will never grow up to realize that sex and marriage should not go together exclusively. I am worth more than "saving myself" for "the perfect moment/guy," because my perfect moment technically has never occurred, but I'm happy. I am worth more than the lies they are feeding you: I still value the small gestures of physical intimacy -- and I probably value it more than those pure little goody goodies who waited, I love him for who he is, sex is still special to me, and I'm happier than most people ever will be. Sex did not ruin my perception of love.
I absolutely hated being accused of being some succubus figure who is so morally loose that I view sex as a means of destroying the purity of others. I absolutely hated being told that I will never know that love is because I'm having sex before marriage. I absolutely hated that someone who basically was a stranger told me that they pitied me for what they misread as my mistakes. Right. I pity you for driving your family apart. I pity that you don't realize what love is. I pity that you destroyed the purity of your own child through your insistence that your way of life was the absolute truth. I pity your unhappiness. I pity your lack of lack of religion. I pity your pitiful way of life.
I love being who I am. I love being my achievements and mistakes. I love my history, my culture, and the person I came out to be. I might not love everything around me, but I love the way I turned out. I love that I have the most amazing people to turn to and that I can rely on and trust so many people. I love my life.
-Moreover, I Love You
Scarlet Bloodmoon
I think we've gotten to a point where we are constantly denied any real intimacy in our relationship. Sure, there are places and times where we can be physically intimate, but there never really is a time where I can enjoy just being alone and so close to him without something looming ahead or needing to be done. I miss falling asleep with him. I miss being able to do absolutely nothing for long periods of time without the need to rush off elsewhere. I miss sneaking into his bed to just be there with him, and just to know that for a few hours, I can just listen to his heart beating and feel his arms wrapped around me. It's now at the point where we've been denied this over and over again to the point where it's the only thing we want. It takes us longer to leave each other. We'll spend fifteen minutes, if we have them, to say goodbye not because there's the potential for sex or because it'll score us points, but I'm hesitant to leave because it feels so wonderful to be held. I miss him as much as I do because he's being pulled away from me through obligations. We always want what we can't have, right?
I guess that leads me to a new tangent. Abstinence education does not work. Sure, it's the 100% guarantee way to keep free of pregnancies and STDs, but what about the kids who have no "moral" upbringing and are now cheated from Safe Sex Education because bigots in the government and bureaucracy think the two are the same thing. I'm thankful for television and the internet, for without the two, I'm sure to have destroyed my natural balance of hormones or be a teenage mother. Also, it plays against the idea of temptation, human nature and children always wanting what they cannot have. I don't get why the abstinence people have to play to the idea that after sex, the relationship will become dead. Does that mean that if you ended up marrying the person because they were "so understanding and perfect" but were only looking for sex that the person would have changed because you put a ring on it? Are they implying that by settling down, sex will now be the last thing on their mind? This also teaches to guys that the only ticket to sex is marriage, thus inflating the divorce rate. I am worth it. I'm worth more than the deception of horny males who will never grow up to realize that sex and marriage should not go together exclusively. I am worth more than "saving myself" for "the perfect moment/guy," because my perfect moment technically has never occurred, but I'm happy. I am worth more than the lies they are feeding you: I still value the small gestures of physical intimacy -- and I probably value it more than those pure little goody goodies who waited, I love him for who he is, sex is still special to me, and I'm happier than most people ever will be. Sex did not ruin my perception of love.
I absolutely hated being accused of being some succubus figure who is so morally loose that I view sex as a means of destroying the purity of others. I absolutely hated being told that I will never know that love is because I'm having sex before marriage. I absolutely hated that someone who basically was a stranger told me that they pitied me for what they misread as my mistakes. Right. I pity you for driving your family apart. I pity that you don't realize what love is. I pity that you destroyed the purity of your own child through your insistence that your way of life was the absolute truth. I pity your unhappiness. I pity your lack of lack of religion. I pity your pitiful way of life.
I love being who I am. I love being my achievements and mistakes. I love my history, my culture, and the person I came out to be. I might not love everything around me, but I love the way I turned out. I love that I have the most amazing people to turn to and that I can rely on and trust so many people. I love my life.
-Moreover, I Love You
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I'm Beginning to Like Routine.
I guess, in some weird twisted way, I win...but it's not really about that anymore. Maybe this is how I can get everything out while it's still small and cute instead of when the stress or whatever has been bottled up to a point where it's poison.
Well, I have Super Glue epoxy all over my hands, keyboard, and sheets. Bleh. Gross! Um...Finished my Governement report thing easily. I loved doing it. Anyways: homework was easy tonight, and of that I'm glad.
I didn't really get to see James today. He took the day off from school and so after school at like 4:10 ish, he came by my house and we chattered about what he missed in school today. Oh, and then later on, he proved to me that I really don't have people I hang out with or that I would call great friends. I mean, I used to have friends, and then I decided that I didn't like bits and pieces of them, so slowly, as I started changing, the way I see people and my tolerances were changing too. So, all of my previous friends were abandonned because I was no longer into anime, people became lost to be because they weren't interesting anymore or because it was just about the right time for something to die and for something new to take it's place. Well, whatever. I still have people I can turn to, and if not, I always have myself and all of my blogs.
I might actually call it an early night tonight, and of that I'm surprised. I finished everything before 10 and I actually did everything?!? What's this? Anyways: life has been fun.
Oh! So I come home today and my mom and Andrei are basically arguing over his allowance. Andrei says my mom owes him three dollars and she doesn't understand where he is coming up with everything. After listening to Andrei explain his side for maybe three minutes (and it took my mom forever, to the point where Andrei was crying) I was able to explain exactly what Andrei had wanted and where he was coming from. Wow. I win.
Um...that's basically it...Robot shipped today. Not that exciting. Whatever.
-Apparently, I like playing with sticky liquids...
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Well, I have Super Glue epoxy all over my hands, keyboard, and sheets. Bleh. Gross! Um...Finished my Governement report thing easily. I loved doing it. Anyways: homework was easy tonight, and of that I'm glad.
I didn't really get to see James today. He took the day off from school and so after school at like 4:10 ish, he came by my house and we chattered about what he missed in school today. Oh, and then later on, he proved to me that I really don't have people I hang out with or that I would call great friends. I mean, I used to have friends, and then I decided that I didn't like bits and pieces of them, so slowly, as I started changing, the way I see people and my tolerances were changing too. So, all of my previous friends were abandonned because I was no longer into anime, people became lost to be because they weren't interesting anymore or because it was just about the right time for something to die and for something new to take it's place. Well, whatever. I still have people I can turn to, and if not, I always have myself and all of my blogs.
I might actually call it an early night tonight, and of that I'm surprised. I finished everything before 10 and I actually did everything?!? What's this? Anyways: life has been fun.
Oh! So I come home today and my mom and Andrei are basically arguing over his allowance. Andrei says my mom owes him three dollars and she doesn't understand where he is coming up with everything. After listening to Andrei explain his side for maybe three minutes (and it took my mom forever, to the point where Andrei was crying) I was able to explain exactly what Andrei had wanted and where he was coming from. Wow. I win.
Um...that's basically it...Robot shipped today. Not that exciting. Whatever.
-Apparently, I like playing with sticky liquids...
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Monday, February 16, 2009
6 Month Milestone.
Today marks half of a year from that day under the stars. Six months since the last time I had touched cannabis. I don't remember where the day started.
Part of me wants to say we went to Barnes and Noble because we did that often, but another part of me says that isn't true. I do remember going to the movie theatre originally planning on seeing Wall-E. I mean, it's a cute robot movie! We got there in time to catch a movie before Wall-E so we decided to see Step Brothers. All in all, it was an okay movie. I don't think I was paying as much attention to the movie as I was to James.
During one of the many sappy and lovey-dovey parts of Wall-E, I remember turning to James and saying "I think I love you." I had been back in Arizona for 19 days and already, I felt like he was my other half. All throughout my stay in Holland, we chatted and through all the chatting, we got closer than we probably had ever been. Upon return to Arizona, he was really the only person I spent time with.
After movies, we went to a deserted field at sat in his truck. He finished the last of the stuff I had from Amsterdam and I think we threw in some stuff he had left. After that, we went to the bed of the truck and sat. The wind was blowing, it looked like rain was coming in.
I ended up on the roof of the cab, settled between his legs. He was standing against the cab, and it was there that we decided to retry the relationship.
Six months later, I'm sure he is the only person I ever want to spend the rest of my life with. I've been through so much with him: We've been stuck in Vegas, had his parents catch us, had an interesting pregnancy scare, planned out a home, plotted to freak out his parents to uber extremes, and I've spent perhaps 48 consecutive hours away from home with him. He's made me realize so many things and helped me become a better person.
-To a Lifetime with You
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Part of me wants to say we went to Barnes and Noble because we did that often, but another part of me says that isn't true. I do remember going to the movie theatre originally planning on seeing Wall-E. I mean, it's a cute robot movie! We got there in time to catch a movie before Wall-E so we decided to see Step Brothers. All in all, it was an okay movie. I don't think I was paying as much attention to the movie as I was to James.
During one of the many sappy and lovey-dovey parts of Wall-E, I remember turning to James and saying "I think I love you." I had been back in Arizona for 19 days and already, I felt like he was my other half. All throughout my stay in Holland, we chatted and through all the chatting, we got closer than we probably had ever been. Upon return to Arizona, he was really the only person I spent time with.
After movies, we went to a deserted field at sat in his truck. He finished the last of the stuff I had from Amsterdam and I think we threw in some stuff he had left. After that, we went to the bed of the truck and sat. The wind was blowing, it looked like rain was coming in.
I ended up on the roof of the cab, settled between his legs. He was standing against the cab, and it was there that we decided to retry the relationship.
Six months later, I'm sure he is the only person I ever want to spend the rest of my life with. I've been through so much with him: We've been stuck in Vegas, had his parents catch us, had an interesting pregnancy scare, planned out a home, plotted to freak out his parents to uber extremes, and I've spent perhaps 48 consecutive hours away from home with him. He's made me realize so many things and helped me become a better person.
-To a Lifetime with You
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Saturday, February 14, 2009
You're Perfect in Every Way
So, this morning, I woke up at 8:40 to the wonderful sound of metal scraping against concrete and the beeping of large machinery moving backwards. Grr. Again, my dad woke me up earlier than I wanted to be up. So I sat around for a bit, read a bit, ate a bit, and finally, at noon, went out to Joe's Farm Grill with James for lunch. Split a burger and sweet potato fries (which I still like the ones I got the first night we were in Flagstaff better, but these were good too) and watched people. Later, we went to the Coffee Shop right next to the Grill and had a thing of hot chocolate. It was probably the best chocolate I will have in quite a while. In fact, I can't wait for the one that will beat this one.
We drove around for a bit. Seriously. We drove to Florence and then headed back. We finished at like 4:00.
So then, at 6:00, we went out to run some errands and to go to the SanTan Mall. It was cold, but we wandered around, talked to a friend, chatted with the lady behind the cologne counter, and stole fragrance from Sephora (which I swear is the only store in that complex with Acqua di Gio for Women). We wandered some more, walked to places, hit up lingerie sections of stores and Victoria's Secret, and eventually went for some bread at Paradise Bakery. Got pulled over by a cop for having the taillight out, drove home, and spent like an hour just with him.
So far, it's been an exciting weekend. I can't wait for Monday.
-On A Valentine's Day
Scarlet Bloodmoon
We drove around for a bit. Seriously. We drove to Florence and then headed back. We finished at like 4:00.
So then, at 6:00, we went out to run some errands and to go to the SanTan Mall. It was cold, but we wandered around, talked to a friend, chatted with the lady behind the cologne counter, and stole fragrance from Sephora (which I swear is the only store in that complex with Acqua di Gio for Women). We wandered some more, walked to places, hit up lingerie sections of stores and Victoria's Secret, and eventually went for some bread at Paradise Bakery. Got pulled over by a cop for having the taillight out, drove home, and spent like an hour just with him.
So far, it's been an exciting weekend. I can't wait for Monday.
-On A Valentine's Day
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Friday, February 13, 2009
MY Holiday
So I didn't post last night because shortly after completely homework, I fell asleep. Yes. It was epic, I got a lot of sleep and all was good and fine. The thing was, I forgot to set my alarm apparently, so when I woke up at like 5:40, it was a bit surprising and weird.
Um, the day was easy. Not too much work, not too much effort. Um...Went home, picked up Andrei, sat around for a bit, and then finally at like 5, went off with James and Momo to the Changing Hands Bookstore to meet Jimmy Carter. Well, not quite. It was more like wait in line for EVER and then walk past him as he is signing books. As you observe him signing your book, you realize that you're not even going to see him sign the one you are going to receive. It was fairly disappointing.
Umm, had Arabic food, went to a party for a little bit, found the most unlikely people there ever, and um...oh yeah, what felt like a simultaneous finish. Haha, so I got lucky on Friday the 13th. I beat bad luck!
-I don't know, tired
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Um, the day was easy. Not too much work, not too much effort. Um...Went home, picked up Andrei, sat around for a bit, and then finally at like 5, went off with James and Momo to the Changing Hands Bookstore to meet Jimmy Carter. Well, not quite. It was more like wait in line for EVER and then walk past him as he is signing books. As you observe him signing your book, you realize that you're not even going to see him sign the one you are going to receive. It was fairly disappointing.
Umm, had Arabic food, went to a party for a little bit, found the most unlikely people there ever, and um...oh yeah, what felt like a simultaneous finish. Haha, so I got lucky on Friday the 13th. I beat bad luck!
-I don't know, tired
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Four-Posters.
Short and half-assed post today. I wanna get to bed as soon as humanly possible because I want sleep. So far, I've been headache-y and I cough every once in awhile, but I don't feel sick otherwise. I can still function. If I wasn't such a great kid (haha) I'd just sleep in all day. That sounds amazing.
Speaking of things that sound amazing: I want to fall asleep with him so badly...To be able to curl with him, to feel his body pressed against mine, to know that no matter what, I'll wake up the next morning to the only person who could get away with rifling through all of my stuff and the only person in the world to make me as happy as he makes me. For once, I don't want to wake up alone.
-I Remember
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Speaking of things that sound amazing: I want to fall asleep with him so badly...To be able to curl with him, to feel his body pressed against mine, to know that no matter what, I'll wake up the next morning to the only person who could get away with rifling through all of my stuff and the only person in the world to make me as happy as he makes me. For once, I don't want to wake up alone.
-I Remember
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Monday, February 9, 2009
#70
Woo, 70th post today, and next month marks one year of my little blog's existence. Pretty exciting! While I don't have a whole ton of readers, or strangers who encourage me to get out of rough spots in my life, I have learned a lot about myself through my blog, and I have come to hate that whiny little girl I was eleven months ago. I resent some of the things I said, some of the things I did, and some of the things I thought, but that's not going to change the past. In fact, maybe if the past had changed, I wouldn't be here now, talking about half the things I do, and maybe, I would still have never had pistachio ice cream.
I used to love running around in the rain. It didn't used to matter how cold it was outside, I'd still come back inside sopping wet and cold. Now, I'd rather curl under blankets and find warmth. Somewhere along the line, I wanted to stay warm. I don't know...conditioning I guess.
Tch. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I want to stay at home all day and sleep and read. I want to spend an entire day not having to worry about stuff. I'm so done with having to care so much about everything. I want a soma holiday...That'd be fun.
-Another Useless Milestone
Scarlet Bloodmoon
I used to love running around in the rain. It didn't used to matter how cold it was outside, I'd still come back inside sopping wet and cold. Now, I'd rather curl under blankets and find warmth. Somewhere along the line, I wanted to stay warm. I don't know...conditioning I guess.
Tch. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I want to stay at home all day and sleep and read. I want to spend an entire day not having to worry about stuff. I'm so done with having to care so much about everything. I want a soma holiday...That'd be fun.
-Another Useless Milestone
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Saturday, February 7, 2009
End of a Dry Spell
So today was fun. Woke up, ate a bit, my dad yelled at me about how I'm misusing the word "fair" and that I don't deserve to use it. He goes on about the words that he hates. One of which was "Mr. Bush" because of his blatant blindness caused by God and religion and how stem cell research has been hindered eight years and we've all lost eight years of our lives because of him. While that is totally extreme and horribly stupid, it's kind of true. We've lost eight years of research and development, but stem cells will get us to the point where we can extend our lives tenfold, and really, I haven't lost eight years, my increase of life has been delayed four years. Whatever. So I listen to his rant, do whatever it was he wanted me to do, go upstairs for a bit, visit James, had ice cream and took a very short nap, and then went to work on the robot at this guy's house. Went to dinner, came home and I've been doing nothing ever since. I guess, really, my day hasn't been great, and it doesn't really sound all that fun, but the hour I spent with James was totally worth it. That made my day. It had been so long since we've had a day like this one.
Then, he came and visited me, I had pistachio ice cream for the first time, we sat and just talked and had a huge tickle attack, and I got to lay against him and break away from the world for more than an hour. It's been forever since we've had a day like this.
-In Hopes of Another
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Then, he came and visited me, I had pistachio ice cream for the first time, we sat and just talked and had a huge tickle attack, and I got to lay against him and break away from the world for more than an hour. It's been forever since we've had a day like this.
-In Hopes of Another
Scarlet Bloodmoon
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