Mother, May I?

Today was rather off...It started out like a normal day I guess...but in English, we decided to have a party, and so we did. It was exciting (not really), we had food, and it was just a very fun and relaxing day. World History was alright. Nothing super fun, nothing totally boring. I had only seen James as I was walking from Physics to English and later when he was at work, and very much later when he came and visited me afterward.

I think we've gotten to a point where we are constantly denied any real intimacy in our relationship. Sure, there are places and times where we can be physically intimate, but there never really is a time where I can enjoy just being alone and so close to him without something looming ahead or needing to be done. I miss falling asleep with him. I miss being able to do absolutely nothing for long periods of time without the need to rush off elsewhere. I miss sneaking into his bed to just be there with him, and just to know that for a few hours, I can just listen to his heart beating and feel his arms wrapped around me. It's now at the point where we've been denied this over and over again to the point where it's the only thing we want. It takes us longer to leave each other. We'll spend fifteen minutes, if we have them, to say goodbye not because there's the potential for sex or because it'll score us points, but I'm hesitant to leave because it feels so wonderful to be held. I miss him as much as I do because he's being pulled away from me through obligations. We always want what we can't have, right?

I guess that leads me to a new tangent. Abstinence education does not work. Sure, it's the 100% guarantee way to keep free of pregnancies and STDs, but what about the kids who have no "moral" upbringing and are now cheated from Safe Sex Education because bigots in the government and bureaucracy think the two are the same thing. I'm thankful for television and the internet, for without the two, I'm sure to have destroyed my natural balance of hormones or be a teenage mother. Also, it plays against the idea of temptation, human nature and children always wanting what they cannot have. I don't get why the abstinence people have to play to the idea that after sex, the relationship will become dead. Does that mean that if you ended up marrying the person because they were "so understanding and perfect" but were only looking for sex that the person would have changed because you put a ring on it? Are they implying that by settling down, sex will now be the last thing on their mind? This also teaches to guys that the only ticket to sex is marriage, thus inflating the divorce rate. I am worth it. I'm worth more than the deception of horny males who will never grow up to realize that sex and marriage should not go together exclusively. I am worth more than "saving myself" for "the perfect moment/guy," because my perfect moment technically has never occurred, but I'm happy. I am worth more than the lies they are feeding you: I still value the small gestures of physical intimacy -- and I probably value it more than those pure little goody goodies who waited, I love him for who he is, sex is still special to me, and I'm happier than most people ever will be. Sex did not ruin my perception of love.

I absolutely hated being accused of being some succubus figure who is so morally loose that I view sex as a means of destroying the purity of others. I absolutely hated being told that I will never know that love is because I'm having sex before marriage. I absolutely hated that someone who basically was a stranger told me that they pitied me for what they misread as my mistakes. Right. I pity you for driving your family apart. I pity that you don't realize what love is. I pity that you destroyed the purity of your own child through your insistence that your way of life was the absolute truth. I pity your unhappiness. I pity your lack of lack of religion. I pity your pitiful way of life.

I love being who I am. I love being my achievements and mistakes. I love my history, my culture, and the person I came out to be. I might not love everything around me, but I love the way I turned out. I love that I have the most amazing people to turn to and that I can rely on and trust so many people. I love my life.

-Moreover, I Love You
Scarlet Bloodmoon