I know I'm late, like super late, but I'll start a post in the middle of class or something, and then the professor would talk about something super interesting or something that will be on the test and I have to pay attention. Then, I will forget completely about the poor post I've written and then leave.
There's a lot of stuff that has happened. I'm now 19. It's weird because someone asked yesterday and I automatically responded with 18. Nope! I'm not 18 anymore. Um...But let's start at like "the beginning."
I have no idea where I left off, but the really cool thing that happened to me back in November was going to see Mystery Team three times while it was here. Mystery Team is the first full-length feature film from the group Derrick Comedy and it was beyond wonderful. On the second showing I caught, a group of friends and I got the chance to hang out for a bit with one of the co-writers/actors, DC Pierson. He was a really genuine guy with great comedy skills. Like, when you meet famous people, the stereotype or expectation is to find that they are jerks or that they are really not the type of people you'd think they are. Nope. This guy was as funny in real life as he is in all of the Derrick Comedy stuff, and just as funny as we all thought he would be. I've recently gone through some of his older writing, like stuff from 2003 in blog posts, and it's a goldmine of wonderful things. He grew up in the Phoenix Metropolitan and had attended ASU, so all of this stuff that I've been reading has been more relate-able than some random famous dude that I'm slightly cyber-stalking.
Our favorite gay friend came back from Vermont in December. That was super exciting. We hung out like we always did, joked about and discussed sexuality, sex, and teenage things in general. The running joke is that we all have sex with this gay friend of ours, except for Princess who is completely afraid of homosexuality. He pretty much spent a good solid month back with us and we were deeply sorry to see him have to leave. He has the best menagerie of people for his get-togethers.
I got sick the day after my birthday. Like fever and OMG I'M GOING TO THROW UP ON YOUR FACE sick. This pretty much stayed with me for two days. Ugh. Missed some dinner and lunch invitations that sounded pretty interesting.
BUT: for Christmas/winter holiday I have no obligation to celebrate, James and I pretty much got each other the same thing. We both gave each other a new wallet since we both needed to switch out our old ones for new ones anyways.
On the 27th, my family packed into our '98 Sienna to drive to Vegas. This took us a good 8 hours maybe, because my family likes to take their time and mozy. And Hoover Dam traffic was horrible and we were stuck there for like two hours. We checked into the Stratosphere, which is a nice place to stay, and grabbed dinner at the buffet there. Meats were kind of dry and food kind of bland, but none of us where terribly hungry or picky. I got my own bed on a trip for pretty much the first time I can remember (with family). The next day, we went to the Chinatown for some breakfast before getting ready to go to a wedding. It was a nice wedding. The place was very nice and elegant, nice open bar, great snack foods, nummy cake. Throughout the entire wedding, the only memory I could remember of the groom was going to visit their family when I was like 9 for Christmas-ish and spending time playing with them. And I couldn't help but remember how I have this slightly recurring crush on his brother. But anyways: I caught the bouquet, but only because it fell to the floor and no one seemed to want it. Okay. Banquet was a really elaborate Chinese feast. It was epic and enormous and holy shit, there was so much food. That was Vegas: not nearly as dramatic as my last Vegas experience, and not nearly as scandalous.
I finally got to pass the year with James. Last year, I was off in Flagstaff while he was still down in the Valley. This year, we went over to our beloved gay friend's place and it was the three of us and his dad counting down. Great fun, slept over for the night, and got to cuddle with James in what feels like forever.
Now, all the other kiddies, except Jeremy, are in school, and I pretty much have the house to myself. James is now a salesman for fancy cutlery and is in Scottsdale for that bit. I have yet to get a job, but I might as well be a collector of financial aid/scholarships that I'm eligible for as employment. I mentioned moving out today to my father and he pretty much said that is was a stupid idea and that I would be able to live a more luxurious life living at home. Well, but I think it'd be nice to live not at home. Maybe try this out for a little and know just how much you need me and how much I need you. I'm thinking of applying to the Honors College, but the application process leads me to think that it's too late as a Lower Division student and I'll have to wait for Upper Division student-status. That's fine: I don't need your fancy Honors degree. I'll just wait for it.
Now, for something completely unrelated:
A couple of days ago, I had this really weird dream where I was pretty much flirting with this Asian guy I've probably never seen in my life. I woke up and while pondering this dream, realized that most of the guys I've had crushes on in my life were Asian (at least the recurring/hardcore ones where they last more than a few months), but I've only ended up mostly dating Caucasian guys. Weird. It kind of makes me wonder why I'm weird like that.
-Realizing How Great I've Got It
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I Think I Know What I Live For Now
All through my life, I've always wanted to do something, accomplish something that I can look back on and know I've done something right or that I've changed the world in some little way. For all of my life, I just wanted to be an angel to someone...to know that someone loves me just that much. As high school came around, I've wanted to change the world even more, to be someone's angel. I've wanted to leave a little mark on the world. The past few days...I think I got what I wanted: I think I've become an angel.
Sunday, James and I left for Vegas. We got lost a little, found our way, drove a lot, laughed, talked, and had an amazing trip up there. We arrived at around ten that evening, went down to the strip and walked. Five hours later, we were in a hotel room and quickly fell asleep. We were planning on leaving that morning, but the car wouldn't start, so we walked to an Auto Zone, got starter fluid, started the car, drove to the strip, and walked some more. After dinner, when we were leaving, the car broke down about a mile from where we had stayed the night. Nothing we did could start the car. Defeated, we retreated back into the car. He was stressed as hell and more or less a wreck. At one point, I turned to him, shrugged and smiled. "You have no idea what you did there," he said, "you just saved my life."
"What?" There is no way he just said that...
"You just saved my life."
Fuck. More or less fully relieved, but still totally freaked out now. He reached over to lock the doors and reclined back in the seat.
After a bit of wondering what we could do, he called people for advice, and found out he had relatives in Vegas. Wow, that was convenient. As we waited for them to come meet us...it was definitely fun. We stayed the night with them while the car was towed into an auto shop and I seriously hope that by now, they know what is wrong with the car.
I've never felt so special...I've never had someone tell me I saved their life, I've never had anyone need me like that. I've never been so amazed at how a simple thing could make such an impact. I've never been so important to someone.
-Becoming a better person, one step at a time
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Sunday, James and I left for Vegas. We got lost a little, found our way, drove a lot, laughed, talked, and had an amazing trip up there. We arrived at around ten that evening, went down to the strip and walked. Five hours later, we were in a hotel room and quickly fell asleep. We were planning on leaving that morning, but the car wouldn't start, so we walked to an Auto Zone, got starter fluid, started the car, drove to the strip, and walked some more. After dinner, when we were leaving, the car broke down about a mile from where we had stayed the night. Nothing we did could start the car. Defeated, we retreated back into the car. He was stressed as hell and more or less a wreck. At one point, I turned to him, shrugged and smiled. "You have no idea what you did there," he said, "you just saved my life."
"What?" There is no way he just said that...
"You just saved my life."
Fuck. More or less fully relieved, but still totally freaked out now. He reached over to lock the doors and reclined back in the seat.
After a bit of wondering what we could do, he called people for advice, and found out he had relatives in Vegas. Wow, that was convenient. As we waited for them to come meet us...it was definitely fun. We stayed the night with them while the car was towed into an auto shop and I seriously hope that by now, they know what is wrong with the car.
I've never felt so special...I've never had someone tell me I saved their life, I've never had anyone need me like that. I've never been so amazed at how a simple thing could make such an impact. I've never been so important to someone.
-Becoming a better person, one step at a time
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Saturday, July 19, 2008
I Lost Myself
So, from midnight till 4 in the morning, I was out clubbing. Two people from my Uncle's company/office invited Jeremy and I out for the night and Jeremy being the wild one who always needs to try something, accepted. I was included and hell, I went. For days now, I was done being proper, done with being so very pure. So, midnight, we hit a Cuban themed discotheque (as they are called) and a group of seven of us danced for maybe two hours. At first, it was a little awkward. The grown ups danced while three of us between the ages of 15 and 17 moved lightly. Later on, emboldened, I joined in. Jeremy was pretty much resistant the whole night so we just let him be. One of the people from work coerced me into dancing when salsa songs started playing. Finally, I let in, knowing that I'd probably never see anyone of those people again. Afterwards, we left to hop to a new place. We stopped by a coffeeshop and four of us started passing a joint around. It felt very different...kind of suffocating. I have to admit: taking plenty of small drags from the joint, I feel no different. Jeremy instantly got sick, like really tired and he threw up a bit. We decided he had too much and took him home. The rest of us went back to the first disco and enjoyed our time. I was really bold! This guy (total stranger) came up to me and smiled. I smiled back and in a matter of minutes (since everyone was doing some variation of the salsa), we were dancing. Like pressed together dancing. Like halfway through the dance, another came up to me, pulled his arms around me and I entertained that one for a little while. They left, work people came back from dropping off Jeremy, and after a bit, I was dancing with the same work person. At 4, the kicked us out. I had spent the better part of four hours dancing.
The thing is, I moved to everything. The amounts of techno they played, the rap, the salsa, the Bob Marley after we had come back from smoking a joint, anything and everything. The only thing I didn't do was dance with the 15 year old boy there. I kind of wanted to, but eh. Every little part of me was lost to this newer addition: an adventurous spirit, a careless and amused being. Cale got really mad at me once for saying I gave up on it all, but maybe this time, I really did. Maybe, I gave up on keeping appearances, on being pure or perfect or proper.
It kind of hurts to take deep breaths...and if I try hard enough, I can pull up a breath that tastes like marijuana. I'm so done writing. Night!
The thing is, I moved to everything. The amounts of techno they played, the rap, the salsa, the Bob Marley after we had come back from smoking a joint, anything and everything. The only thing I didn't do was dance with the 15 year old boy there. I kind of wanted to, but eh. Every little part of me was lost to this newer addition: an adventurous spirit, a careless and amused being. Cale got really mad at me once for saying I gave up on it all, but maybe this time, I really did. Maybe, I gave up on keeping appearances, on being pure or perfect or proper.
It kind of hurts to take deep breaths...and if I try hard enough, I can pull up a breath that tastes like marijuana. I'm so done writing. Night!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Waking Up to the Green of Your Eyes
May 22, 2008 10:37 am
It’s been an interesting week…In English, we wrote letters to the students next year, giving them advice and basically what we wished we knew before we started. Well, in my small hand writing, I wrote a full page and four lines of advice, reflection, and pondering about how everything this year has changed me. I wondered how the much I had changed, how many different groups and people I became attached to, how many people I hurt and broke. At the end of the “letter,” I realized so much about myself. I realized how I got through things (great friends and partners) and how I changed in how I saw people. I realized how much I grew up, how much responsibility I can handle, how much challenge I look for and how much I can take. I realized a lot this year, I’ve changed a lot this year, I’ve become so different. This morning, I realized how different I’ve become, I realized how many things led me to who I am today.
Last night was interesting. I discovered we had no butter in the house and thusly couldn’t bake or make dessert type things which then made my brothers disappointed. My parents left and got an after-dinner meal because they felt dinner (which my mom made) sucked. I had another surprising conversation with Cale, and truly couldn’t analyze why things are happening. It was all…thrown into perspective for me.
May 22, 2008 11:22 pm
I finished most of my physics Rube Goldberg project, so I’m going to let the electrical sit and be finished tomorrow.
May 23, 2008 4:55 pm
I started writing in James’ yearbook today. I got five lines down the page, realizing I never said anything about the relationship at all, and had to leave for class. I handed it off to senior friends he wanted to have sign, so I never got to finish.
June 19, 2008 12:42 pm
Because this seems so…insightful and important to figuring out who I am…I’m adding to it after all this time. I mean, here I am, sitting at an airport on my way back home. In this boredom, I’ve read through my old files and such. 11/4/07, I wrote an entry into a dreamlog thing that I start and forget all the time. I’m surprised that I don’t even remember anything about this dream at all. I mean…It’s like a faint and old thread that I can’t really touch in fear of it dissolving in my fingers.
I don’t remember all of it, nor do I remember what led up to this point, but I do remember being on top of what seemed like a hill. Green grass and gravel paved the hill, and for some random reason, we were dancing. It wasn’t any real form of dancing, nor was it one I’d ever danced, but for a brief moment, we danced. Everything stopped then, the music and all the people with us disappeared as I fell to the ground, laughing and enjoying these last moments of being a child. Either I sat up and you sat across from me, or I was now standing, you looked at me with almost surprise. “You should have told me.”
Shocked and confused, I stared back at you. I’m not sure what conversation passed between us, but I was yours again, and I couldn’t have been happier.
No matter how deep I try to dig, no matter how far I go back, I can’t remember the dream. I can’t remember the music, the dancing, the person I was so happy to be with…Sure, I could guess, but it would be nice to be able to remember.
We have an interesting friendship. Last night at the hotel, after coming back from the memorials and monuments in DC, Cale and I just sat around, chatting and laughing. I love moments like this: moments where I forget where I am, how much I’ve cried, how painful tomorrow will be, and how mean we’ve been to each other. These happy moments, I don’t pay attention to how much I’m telling people, how much I’m opening up to the world. These moments, he makes me laugh. He makes me comfortable…he’s one of the only people I can actually cry in front of, one of the only people that can make me drop my guard. I love those moments.
On the other hand, we have moments where I don’t know how to move on from that point. We have those frustrating moments where anything else would have been easier. In these moments, life seems to stand still. We’re in a world where nothing exists but this conflict that we need to get over. It takes awhile to get out of those moments.
(Random fact: More people have sex in the month of June than any other month)
I don’t know why I had to include that…just saw it somewhere and thought it was interesting…you know? Like, what about the month of June makes people have more sex? Is it because it’s a lazy-esque month where the temperature is really too warm to do much and so they just enjoy the company of someone else? Hmm…
So, on Tuesday, I got a call from a friend that was traveling with James that week. Said mutual friend asked if there was anything ill going on in our relationship. I cruelly cackled in my mind, knowing that I was going to end the relationship soon. “No,” I replied, nothing was really wrong, it had been that way since the beginning…They were concerned because when they had come to visit, I was in the bed with Cale. It was okay to tell him anything, because he was a friend and only trying to help. What was going on? I had been acting a little weird since I got here. And as I stuttered answers and dodged telling them the real story, our teacher knocked on the door. I opened it and she immediately launched into an instruction on what we needed to do and what needed to be done. I hung up without saying goodbye, leaving both of them to wonder what was going on with me and I haven’t heard from him since. The next afternoon, I was single.
So, I’ve decided that I’m going to stay single for a little bit. Probably until college or something far off in the distance…I don’t want to have to deal with someone while I have no idea what I’m doing with myself...when I’m so afraid of even thinking of saying “I love you.” Lilith/Vixen thing was really hard to control this trip…what with so many people that she could potentially have (well, far from home, who cares right?) and the fact that it was a trip down Memory Lane right after another with Cale constantly around.
It is now 1:54 pm Mountain Time and really, there isn’t much more I have to contribute. All in all, this was a great trip, one that I will enjoy over and over again. The sad thing is, what parts I did not enjoy, being single isn’t one of them…
-I know I’m a horrible person
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: Hold My Hand by New Found Glory
It’s been an interesting week…In English, we wrote letters to the students next year, giving them advice and basically what we wished we knew before we started. Well, in my small hand writing, I wrote a full page and four lines of advice, reflection, and pondering about how everything this year has changed me. I wondered how the much I had changed, how many different groups and people I became attached to, how many people I hurt and broke. At the end of the “letter,” I realized so much about myself. I realized how I got through things (great friends and partners) and how I changed in how I saw people. I realized how much I grew up, how much responsibility I can handle, how much challenge I look for and how much I can take. I realized a lot this year, I’ve changed a lot this year, I’ve become so different. This morning, I realized how different I’ve become, I realized how many things led me to who I am today.
Last night was interesting. I discovered we had no butter in the house and thusly couldn’t bake or make dessert type things which then made my brothers disappointed. My parents left and got an after-dinner meal because they felt dinner (which my mom made) sucked. I had another surprising conversation with Cale, and truly couldn’t analyze why things are happening. It was all…thrown into perspective for me.
May 22, 2008 11:22 pm
I finished most of my physics Rube Goldberg project, so I’m going to let the electrical sit and be finished tomorrow.
May 23, 2008 4:55 pm
I started writing in James’ yearbook today. I got five lines down the page, realizing I never said anything about the relationship at all, and had to leave for class. I handed it off to senior friends he wanted to have sign, so I never got to finish.
June 19, 2008 12:42 pm
Because this seems so…insightful and important to figuring out who I am…I’m adding to it after all this time. I mean, here I am, sitting at an airport on my way back home. In this boredom, I’ve read through my old files and such. 11/4/07, I wrote an entry into a dreamlog thing that I start and forget all the time. I’m surprised that I don’t even remember anything about this dream at all. I mean…It’s like a faint and old thread that I can’t really touch in fear of it dissolving in my fingers.
I don’t remember all of it, nor do I remember what led up to this point, but I do remember being on top of what seemed like a hill. Green grass and gravel paved the hill, and for some random reason, we were dancing. It wasn’t any real form of dancing, nor was it one I’d ever danced, but for a brief moment, we danced. Everything stopped then, the music and all the people with us disappeared as I fell to the ground, laughing and enjoying these last moments of being a child. Either I sat up and you sat across from me, or I was now standing, you looked at me with almost surprise. “You should have told me.”
Shocked and confused, I stared back at you. I’m not sure what conversation passed between us, but I was yours again, and I couldn’t have been happier.
No matter how deep I try to dig, no matter how far I go back, I can’t remember the dream. I can’t remember the music, the dancing, the person I was so happy to be with…Sure, I could guess, but it would be nice to be able to remember.
We have an interesting friendship. Last night at the hotel, after coming back from the memorials and monuments in DC, Cale and I just sat around, chatting and laughing. I love moments like this: moments where I forget where I am, how much I’ve cried, how painful tomorrow will be, and how mean we’ve been to each other. These happy moments, I don’t pay attention to how much I’m telling people, how much I’m opening up to the world. These moments, he makes me laugh. He makes me comfortable…he’s one of the only people I can actually cry in front of, one of the only people that can make me drop my guard. I love those moments.
On the other hand, we have moments where I don’t know how to move on from that point. We have those frustrating moments where anything else would have been easier. In these moments, life seems to stand still. We’re in a world where nothing exists but this conflict that we need to get over. It takes awhile to get out of those moments.
(Random fact: More people have sex in the month of June than any other month)
I don’t know why I had to include that…just saw it somewhere and thought it was interesting…you know? Like, what about the month of June makes people have more sex? Is it because it’s a lazy-esque month where the temperature is really too warm to do much and so they just enjoy the company of someone else? Hmm…
So, on Tuesday, I got a call from a friend that was traveling with James that week. Said mutual friend asked if there was anything ill going on in our relationship. I cruelly cackled in my mind, knowing that I was going to end the relationship soon. “No,” I replied, nothing was really wrong, it had been that way since the beginning…They were concerned because when they had come to visit, I was in the bed with Cale. It was okay to tell him anything, because he was a friend and only trying to help. What was going on? I had been acting a little weird since I got here. And as I stuttered answers and dodged telling them the real story, our teacher knocked on the door. I opened it and she immediately launched into an instruction on what we needed to do and what needed to be done. I hung up without saying goodbye, leaving both of them to wonder what was going on with me and I haven’t heard from him since. The next afternoon, I was single.
So, I’ve decided that I’m going to stay single for a little bit. Probably until college or something far off in the distance…I don’t want to have to deal with someone while I have no idea what I’m doing with myself...when I’m so afraid of even thinking of saying “I love you.” Lilith/Vixen thing was really hard to control this trip…what with so many people that she could potentially have (well, far from home, who cares right?) and the fact that it was a trip down Memory Lane right after another with Cale constantly around.
It is now 1:54 pm Mountain Time and really, there isn’t much more I have to contribute. All in all, this was a great trip, one that I will enjoy over and over again. The sad thing is, what parts I did not enjoy, being single isn’t one of them…
-I know I’m a horrible person
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: Hold My Hand by New Found Glory
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
God Help Me...Wait...
I don't have a god...
So this is the third day and second night in Maryland/Washington DC. The first day, getting to the airport, getting to the hotel, getting to our rooms, I realized that I was having so much fun with these people, that no matter how hard James was going to try to spend time with me, I wouldn't enjoy it as much as the time I spend with my NHD group. Most of these people I barely know. They are people that I know of, have heard things about for all of my schooling around them, but...I had never actually spent real time with any of them outside of class. So, getting here and quickly bonding with the three of the NHD kids and spending even more time hanging out with the three and Cale, I wanted to keep this trip to NHD kids. So, furthering the impending doom of my current relationship, I basically ignored and nonchalantly dodged through every attempt James made of trying to spend time with me. Well, I could have handled that one a bit better, but I didn't care. Basically, out of our five, there were two girls and three boys. We had two rooms, split by gender. The first night, Cale and I left the other three in the boys' room to finish our website or face the dragon-wrath of our teacher and eventually, after I was so frustrated with the whole thing and Cale started getting drowsy, I made him lie down on the couch (pull out bed thing) in our room while I sat on the bed trying to work a little more. Finally, at 2 in the morning he was officially asleep so I pulled the blanket from the bed, spread it over him and went to bed. We woke up a little before 7 and prepared to head off to meet the rest of the entire group. We went to Capitol Hill, the Supreme Court, and the Museum of Indian Americans. After that, we had an impromptu trip to the National Air and Space Museum. It was fun, a lot of walking, and a whole ton of rain on the way back.
Definitely happy about the rain. I had brought an umbrella and ended up lending it away as I enjoyed my trek home through the rain. It was pretty...all the green soaked in tiny drops of water, the slightest movement would send millions of little drops of water crashing down to the floor - or my face, whichever was underneath.
The rain cleared up shortly after we got back to the hotel. The three went swimming until they came back and headed off for the NHD dance. As much fun it would have been to see what seemed like socially inept children "dance," Cale and I were lazy and helped one of the three burn DVDs and watched TV. By the end of the night, we all ended up in the boys' room, forcing one of the guys to retreat to the girls' room. Slept late, woke up lazy and didn't want to really get out of bed. The Sofa-bed thing was comfortable though.
Next morning (Tuesday), we all had our competition interviews. Cale and I were to go first, and after rushing out the door, getting lost, and having an interesting and amusing trip, we were a little late. We actually ran into one of the judges looking for us. It was pretty entertaining. The interview was alright: they were overly nice and knew quite a bit about our topic. Cool. We got back, watched tv and Angel, got food, watched more Angel, other three got back, watched more Angel, walked around a little, planned to go to the movies, didn't...came back and watched Game 6 of the NBA Finals (not much into sports...so if I botched that, eh). I've been inactive all day long and it feels really relaxing. We ordered pizza for dinner, I broke a plate, washed even more, and now, I'm doing this.
So, here comes the analysis: I've realized that I've dragged a dead relationship (tch. I avoid spending time with him...I choose Jeremy's company over his this summer!) on for too long, I've lost a conscience, learned some secrets, kept secrets, told lies, told the truth where I never expected it, tole more truth without batting an eye than I've ever managed with this person, and gained some more friends. I've had laughs, I've cried, I've beaten myself up, I've realized so many things, and I confused myself. I wouldn't trade what happened over this trip for anything...it's all of it that defined the trip and giving up a bit of it would ruin the reality and truth in it. I realize just how horrible I am, just how much I've wanted certain things, certain liberties, certain allowances. I've come to realize that it's more than being bored in this relationship, it's more than not being physically attracted to James, it's more than not wanting to ruin his innocence. I don't want to bother anymore. I can't get into a relationship just for fun...I know that these things aren't permanent...and I don't get so picky. I mean, if my next relationship would be the one I had to stick with for the rest of my life, I'd actually be picky...I'd actually analyze, follow, and get to know this person to the fullest extent. I wouldn't be playing for challenges...I'd be playing for real...but life isn't like that and no matter what, I will still be playing for challenges. I will still revolve my life around these games I love so much.
So, I realized that worry and uncontrollable fear feels like. It's not like nightmare fear...more an insecurity that you are helpless over. There's this creeping feeling that moves to the pit of my stomache, pulling and twisting to the point of discomfort. It's the worst feeling I've ever had, worse than the pain of anything I've ever had before - they were all physical. And the thing is...I think that's what I've done with my guilt. Instead of feeling guilty and such about things, I get this creeping discomfort, the manifestation of emotion that I've banished from my concious mind. You know...I've realized just how brutal, cold and heartless I could really be.
You know...I'm sort of writing this so that when I'm in college or out of college in the future, I can come back and look back on everything I've ever thought, everything I've ever done, and I want to be able to smile back and realize that he was right: I have grown as a person.
-I Need To Stop This Carousel Before It Throws Me
Scarlet Bloodmoon
P.S. I really like my password hint: "The sad thing is, I only do it to watch the soft fibers melt in the flames I later apply"
So this is the third day and second night in Maryland/Washington DC. The first day, getting to the airport, getting to the hotel, getting to our rooms, I realized that I was having so much fun with these people, that no matter how hard James was going to try to spend time with me, I wouldn't enjoy it as much as the time I spend with my NHD group. Most of these people I barely know. They are people that I know of, have heard things about for all of my schooling around them, but...I had never actually spent real time with any of them outside of class. So, getting here and quickly bonding with the three of the NHD kids and spending even more time hanging out with the three and Cale, I wanted to keep this trip to NHD kids. So, furthering the impending doom of my current relationship, I basically ignored and nonchalantly dodged through every attempt James made of trying to spend time with me. Well, I could have handled that one a bit better, but I didn't care. Basically, out of our five, there were two girls and three boys. We had two rooms, split by gender. The first night, Cale and I left the other three in the boys' room to finish our website or face the dragon-wrath of our teacher and eventually, after I was so frustrated with the whole thing and Cale started getting drowsy, I made him lie down on the couch (pull out bed thing) in our room while I sat on the bed trying to work a little more. Finally, at 2 in the morning he was officially asleep so I pulled the blanket from the bed, spread it over him and went to bed. We woke up a little before 7 and prepared to head off to meet the rest of the entire group. We went to Capitol Hill, the Supreme Court, and the Museum of Indian Americans. After that, we had an impromptu trip to the National Air and Space Museum. It was fun, a lot of walking, and a whole ton of rain on the way back.
Definitely happy about the rain. I had brought an umbrella and ended up lending it away as I enjoyed my trek home through the rain. It was pretty...all the green soaked in tiny drops of water, the slightest movement would send millions of little drops of water crashing down to the floor - or my face, whichever was underneath.
The rain cleared up shortly after we got back to the hotel. The three went swimming until they came back and headed off for the NHD dance. As much fun it would have been to see what seemed like socially inept children "dance," Cale and I were lazy and helped one of the three burn DVDs and watched TV. By the end of the night, we all ended up in the boys' room, forcing one of the guys to retreat to the girls' room. Slept late, woke up lazy and didn't want to really get out of bed. The Sofa-bed thing was comfortable though.
Next morning (Tuesday), we all had our competition interviews. Cale and I were to go first, and after rushing out the door, getting lost, and having an interesting and amusing trip, we were a little late. We actually ran into one of the judges looking for us. It was pretty entertaining. The interview was alright: they were overly nice and knew quite a bit about our topic. Cool. We got back, watched tv and Angel, got food, watched more Angel, other three got back, watched more Angel, walked around a little, planned to go to the movies, didn't...came back and watched Game 6 of the NBA Finals (not much into sports...so if I botched that, eh). I've been inactive all day long and it feels really relaxing. We ordered pizza for dinner, I broke a plate, washed even more, and now, I'm doing this.
So, here comes the analysis: I've realized that I've dragged a dead relationship (tch. I avoid spending time with him...I choose Jeremy's company over his this summer!) on for too long, I've lost a conscience, learned some secrets, kept secrets, told lies, told the truth where I never expected it, tole more truth without batting an eye than I've ever managed with this person, and gained some more friends. I've had laughs, I've cried, I've beaten myself up, I've realized so many things, and I confused myself. I wouldn't trade what happened over this trip for anything...it's all of it that defined the trip and giving up a bit of it would ruin the reality and truth in it. I realize just how horrible I am, just how much I've wanted certain things, certain liberties, certain allowances. I've come to realize that it's more than being bored in this relationship, it's more than not being physically attracted to James, it's more than not wanting to ruin his innocence. I don't want to bother anymore. I can't get into a relationship just for fun...I know that these things aren't permanent...and I don't get so picky. I mean, if my next relationship would be the one I had to stick with for the rest of my life, I'd actually be picky...I'd actually analyze, follow, and get to know this person to the fullest extent. I wouldn't be playing for challenges...I'd be playing for real...but life isn't like that and no matter what, I will still be playing for challenges. I will still revolve my life around these games I love so much.
So, I realized that worry and uncontrollable fear feels like. It's not like nightmare fear...more an insecurity that you are helpless over. There's this creeping feeling that moves to the pit of my stomache, pulling and twisting to the point of discomfort. It's the worst feeling I've ever had, worse than the pain of anything I've ever had before - they were all physical. And the thing is...I think that's what I've done with my guilt. Instead of feeling guilty and such about things, I get this creeping discomfort, the manifestation of emotion that I've banished from my concious mind. You know...I've realized just how brutal, cold and heartless I could really be.
You know...I'm sort of writing this so that when I'm in college or out of college in the future, I can come back and look back on everything I've ever thought, everything I've ever done, and I want to be able to smile back and realize that he was right: I have grown as a person.
-I Need To Stop This Carousel Before It Throws Me
Scarlet Bloodmoon
P.S. I really like my password hint: "The sad thing is, I only do it to watch the soft fibers melt in the flames I later apply"
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