The general disclaimer is that I don't hate people. It is super hard for me to actually hate people, and even after great injustices and half-assed attempts of remedy, I still don't hate the person. It takes inhuman amounts of pain and annoyance for me to build up to the point where I hate people.
Ever since freshman year, this girl Danielle has been defeating every single tiny victory I celebrated. It took me forever to become great friends with this guy, and in a moment, it seemed she one-upped that friendship I had. Maybe, at the whiny age of 14, I had secretly been jealous of her ability to command social crowds like she did. But ever since that moment, I've associated her presence in my life as an omen towards my obvious inferiority in comparison to her. Junior year, she got closer to Cale. One weekend, her and a group of friends decided to go and reevaluate his wardrobe and hit up every single store that I avoid -- even now. That was a Saturday. The following Tuesday, I found myself single. And really, it was the first time I'd ever seen Cale act differently around me than with other people. Oh gosh. Well, eventually, they got to be close friends and then drifted apart when "things didn't work out between him and one of her closer friends."
Now, she's sinking her awful claws into my life again, through yet another one of the soft spots I have left. James has a class with her and since she lives like five doors down from me, will occasionally chat him up outside of school. Yesterday, she called him back as he was leaving the community after he dropped of some stuff at my house. Really? I guess it only is noteworthy because he actually turned around and went back to her. And I guess that only bugged me because he had told me he needed to get home. If he was coming back, why couldn't he have spent more time with me? On my way to the open house thing last night, I was a tad more than mildly annoyed. I've seen how very shallow she could be and how basically, she uses the people around her because they are able and willing to do a few favors. She seems nothing more than a manipulative little girl who can't realize how different the real world is from her own. And no matter what I do, probably because of a fairly harmless comparison made by Cale, I can't not see her as the symbol of failure and disappointment -- my failure and disappointment.
I suppose a lot of this wouldn't be like this if I hadn't broken down that awful Saturday and cried when he emotionally distanced himself for the sake of getting information out of me. Maybe I wouldn't see her as the epitome of all of my failures and mistakes if he hadn't stuck so closely to her after that Tuesday. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if it didn't seem like she was secretly trying to steal the people I considered important and then later moved on away from them. It doesn't seem fair from where I'm standing. I lose these people in very painful ways while she just conveniently runs out of uses for them and distances herself from them. Every one of these lead to a very painful loss for me and a harmless transition to a new puppet for her. How is that fair to me? I've already been lashed twice, can I take a third?
-Painfully
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Showing posts with label Cale. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cale. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
And A Year Ago, I Would Have Called Me Crazy
I can't stop counting. It's been about a year since the last time my earth shook from the ground up and came tumbling down upon me. It's been about a year since my longest relationship ended and seriously, I can't believe I never moved on quickly enough...I can't believe no one slapped me around until I realized it...I can't believe I wasted so much time...and I can't believe how irresponsible and immature we both were about it.
The only bit I'm allowing myself is that there was never really any closure...or I lied to myself about it and hid it all. A conclusion wasn't reached until June and it wasn't until August that it all stopped bothering me. 10 months after meltdown, it wasn't a big deal anymore...If only that were like 9.75 months shorter!
I guess the whole point of this post was to acknowledge that it's about a year tomorrow...or really close, but it doesn't matter to me anymore...ME the person who loves counting down and making milestones out of nothing! It feels so cool. Of course, I didn't make it out alone.
I'm so lucky I have the friends I do, have the people who love me love me like they do, have the people who secretly want me keep that a secret. I'm lucky I have a place to go to if I need to, a place to hide if I need to, a place to tear away all the masks if I need to. I'm so glad I could be who I am with the people around me, and that I could hide if I truly needed to. I love that I'm so secure right now.
So, it was fun when it lasted, we had a good run, and seriously, I nothing you. I feel nothing for you anymore. There is no hate, no love, no devotion, no respect, no anger, no annoyance, nothing. You are neutral and until something amazing happens and you awe me, there will be nothing from me. I'm done with everything about you: Goodbye.
-Like a snake sheds her skin
Scarlet Bloodmoon
The only bit I'm allowing myself is that there was never really any closure...or I lied to myself about it and hid it all. A conclusion wasn't reached until June and it wasn't until August that it all stopped bothering me. 10 months after meltdown, it wasn't a big deal anymore...If only that were like 9.75 months shorter!
I guess the whole point of this post was to acknowledge that it's about a year tomorrow...or really close, but it doesn't matter to me anymore...ME the person who loves counting down and making milestones out of nothing! It feels so cool. Of course, I didn't make it out alone.
I'm so lucky I have the friends I do, have the people who love me love me like they do, have the people who secretly want me keep that a secret. I'm lucky I have a place to go to if I need to, a place to hide if I need to, a place to tear away all the masks if I need to. I'm so glad I could be who I am with the people around me, and that I could hide if I truly needed to. I love that I'm so secure right now.
So, it was fun when it lasted, we had a good run, and seriously, I nothing you. I feel nothing for you anymore. There is no hate, no love, no devotion, no respect, no anger, no annoyance, nothing. You are neutral and until something amazing happens and you awe me, there will be nothing from me. I'm done with everything about you: Goodbye.
-Like a snake sheds her skin
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Imaginary
The only realm in which you care.
So a little birdie told me that you brain wash and discourage people from getting to know me. Apparently, it almost worked for the birdie, until we started talking and getting to know each other. I seriously think you blew everything out of proportion. Maybe I'm belittling everything you blew out of proportion, but really? I'm a crazy stalker chick? I would yell at you for no reason at all? I'm sorry you have to feel that way to justify the amount of poison you've spoon-fed the blank minds of those around you.
And seriously, if there are people who will take only your side because you got to them first and you've had little heart-to-heart chats with them where I haven't, I don't need them and I don't need to build connections with them. In fact, I'm glad that someone told me this and decided to become my friend. I'm glad someone told me this and said you were just spouting bullshit.
If you seriously want to divide the school, have fun. I'm not playing any part in this warfare, I'm not changing the way I act or feel just because you're trying to isolate me. In fact, I know people go to you for advice, but do you really have to be so petty and advise them against knowing me?
Oh, I think people still think I hate them, even after I've told you time and time again that I don't hate them, and only resent them for stealing every single one of my victories freshman year. I truly believe that you're not telling people things and conveniently leaving out things so that they will isolate me and feed you this sympathy and respect for "dealing" with everything I put you through.
Thank you for destroying my chances of establishing connections with potentially successful people out of spite. You might not do it anymore, or you might still assassinate my character, but thank you so much for being a coward and never confronting me about any of it after the thousands of chances you've been given. Thank you for showing me that you really aren't worth the amount of time I try to invest in you. Thank you for making me regret actions I've decided not to regret and thank you for ruining how I see myself.
Through all of this, I'm only sorry I screwed over someone else all because of you
-Scarlet Bloodmoon
So a little birdie told me that you brain wash and discourage people from getting to know me. Apparently, it almost worked for the birdie, until we started talking and getting to know each other. I seriously think you blew everything out of proportion. Maybe I'm belittling everything you blew out of proportion, but really? I'm a crazy stalker chick? I would yell at you for no reason at all? I'm sorry you have to feel that way to justify the amount of poison you've spoon-fed the blank minds of those around you.
And seriously, if there are people who will take only your side because you got to them first and you've had little heart-to-heart chats with them where I haven't, I don't need them and I don't need to build connections with them. In fact, I'm glad that someone told me this and decided to become my friend. I'm glad someone told me this and said you were just spouting bullshit.
If you seriously want to divide the school, have fun. I'm not playing any part in this warfare, I'm not changing the way I act or feel just because you're trying to isolate me. In fact, I know people go to you for advice, but do you really have to be so petty and advise them against knowing me?
Oh, I think people still think I hate them, even after I've told you time and time again that I don't hate them, and only resent them for stealing every single one of my victories freshman year. I truly believe that you're not telling people things and conveniently leaving out things so that they will isolate me and feed you this sympathy and respect for "dealing" with everything I put you through.
Thank you for destroying my chances of establishing connections with potentially successful people out of spite. You might not do it anymore, or you might still assassinate my character, but thank you so much for being a coward and never confronting me about any of it after the thousands of chances you've been given. Thank you for showing me that you really aren't worth the amount of time I try to invest in you. Thank you for making me regret actions I've decided not to regret and thank you for ruining how I see myself.
Through all of this, I'm only sorry I screwed over someone else all because of you
-Scarlet Bloodmoon
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
This is my gift to you
Today was pure torture. My first day back to school and imagine my delight to find that Cale has two of my classes. Well, I guess that comment was a bit sarcastic. It's his birthday today. I didn't acknowledge it the whole entire day, choosing rather to quietly seethe and wonder about other things. I started and ended this epic battle in my mind, one where I fought out whether I was going to acknowledge the day with some words. In the end, I chose not to. In the end, I decided that my present to him would be to continue to act as I had, to completely pretend that I don't remember all of the haunting things that have happened. I feel justified in it, but slightly disgusted at myself for being so...horrible.
I can suppose it's getting a little better...He said one thing to me today. Sitting in Stats, we were all separately working on a math problem, and while I desperately wanted to work with him and the three others around him (as they are fairly interesting and creative people who could add to the analysis), I sufficed to suck up the desire and pound through the math. He turned around to me and made a programming joke. I was desperately surprised, gleeful and a bit pleased, but still, I know I'm just settling for my small victories again.
Over the summer, while I was in Europe, I thrived for the conversation I would be having with friends. James and I talked a whole ton...about anything and everything. He told me to stop settling for my small victories and to aim for higher achievements. I have a feeling my small victories won't feel quite the same anymore...
The picture reads: "After we broke up you asked me to stop writing to you. I write about you to anyone who'd listen. I still love you, all of me." I think it's kind of fitting...that even after this large amount of bubbling of self-doubt and disgust, I still think of writing about him, of telling complete strangers about him, to engage anyone in some conversation about him. I wonder, truly do, if he lost his friends.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Pretending Someone Else Can Come and Save Me From Myself
10:58 pm June 23, 2008
“’Cause you’re the angel in my hell.”
I had to steal it…it was too…fitting? No. Poetic maybe? Well, whatever it was, I just needed it. So I got back from Maryland/DC on Thursday the 19th. I fell asleep shortly after getting home, taking time to greet family. By the way, I didn’t hug my brothers like I said I would…I definitely forgot until the day after. The first thing I did when I woke up, I got online. After that, I started writing…everything I did that I shouldn’t tell other people…secrets that are better unspoken. It was probably a bad idea to hard copy something like that, but I really wanted to look back in years and smile…I know I read over some of the stuff I had written in the journal last year and I laughed and it was just in general good for me to read through all of this stuff…to realize just how much I’ve grown or changed.
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title from: Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park
“’Cause you’re the angel in my hell.”
I had to steal it…it was too…fitting? No. Poetic maybe? Well, whatever it was, I just needed it. So I got back from Maryland/DC on Thursday the 19th. I fell asleep shortly after getting home, taking time to greet family. By the way, I didn’t hug my brothers like I said I would…I definitely forgot until the day after. The first thing I did when I woke up, I got online. After that, I started writing…everything I did that I shouldn’t tell other people…secrets that are better unspoken. It was probably a bad idea to hard copy something like that, but I really wanted to look back in years and smile…I know I read over some of the stuff I had written in the journal last year and I laughed and it was just in general good for me to read through all of this stuff…to realize just how much I’ve grown or changed.
Really bad case of fantasizing…and wanting what I can’t have. I’m confused as to why I have to be like this. Why can’t I be a normal person and know when to move on? I guess as long as I keep telling myself that it will all work out in the end and all, I’ll have some fodder for keeping me amused and happy until it all falls apart or I forget all about it. I constantly try to justify things to myself that while it makes sense to me, I should think would never work. I don’t even know why this jumble of emotions and series of events happen to me…It’s just…I guess I never learned to move on. I can’t. Physically incapable. I still remember things about the small crushes I’ve had since the first grade. I found one of my crushes from the third grade online…I actually googled his name…
Speaking of Google, I tend to like to google my alias, see how much I’ve owned this identity. I’m silly, no?
The tiny things remind me of him. I realize I’m not over him, that the last time, I just kind of shoved all the feelings and such under a huge rug and pretended it wasn’t there. I’d catch myself watching him or trying to get closer, but I’d be in charge and I’d stop myself. This time, it’s gone too far. I’ve lost control. I’m actively trying, but it’s no use. I take any excuse to be able to talk to him…and even though it’s bad for me, I still do it. I still think about the past, I still remember every memory…I’m still here, living in the past and trying desperately to piece together a fantasy world that I shouldn’t be creating. I’m still trying. Why can’t I have an epiphany like I did all those other times that makes me realize that I can still be happy without all of this self-induced emotional abuse?
And, as I’m writing all of this, I still wonder if you’ll come back and read my blog. I still wonder if you’re tempted to read the old conversations we’ve had or if you’re tempted to read that journal. I wonder a lot, don’t I?
Rather short blog this time. A page in Word. That’s okay. Nothing really new. Just found out that I’m shameless on the internet. Eh.
-I've Never Been Perfect, I'd be Lying if I Said "But Neither Have You"Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title from: Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Waking Up to the Green of Your Eyes
May 22, 2008 10:37 am
It’s been an interesting week…In English, we wrote letters to the students next year, giving them advice and basically what we wished we knew before we started. Well, in my small hand writing, I wrote a full page and four lines of advice, reflection, and pondering about how everything this year has changed me. I wondered how the much I had changed, how many different groups and people I became attached to, how many people I hurt and broke. At the end of the “letter,” I realized so much about myself. I realized how I got through things (great friends and partners) and how I changed in how I saw people. I realized how much I grew up, how much responsibility I can handle, how much challenge I look for and how much I can take. I realized a lot this year, I’ve changed a lot this year, I’ve become so different. This morning, I realized how different I’ve become, I realized how many things led me to who I am today.
Last night was interesting. I discovered we had no butter in the house and thusly couldn’t bake or make dessert type things which then made my brothers disappointed. My parents left and got an after-dinner meal because they felt dinner (which my mom made) sucked. I had another surprising conversation with Cale, and truly couldn’t analyze why things are happening. It was all…thrown into perspective for me.
May 22, 2008 11:22 pm
I finished most of my physics Rube Goldberg project, so I’m going to let the electrical sit and be finished tomorrow.
May 23, 2008 4:55 pm
I started writing in James’ yearbook today. I got five lines down the page, realizing I never said anything about the relationship at all, and had to leave for class. I handed it off to senior friends he wanted to have sign, so I never got to finish.
June 19, 2008 12:42 pm
Because this seems so…insightful and important to figuring out who I am…I’m adding to it after all this time. I mean, here I am, sitting at an airport on my way back home. In this boredom, I’ve read through my old files and such. 11/4/07, I wrote an entry into a dreamlog thing that I start and forget all the time. I’m surprised that I don’t even remember anything about this dream at all. I mean…It’s like a faint and old thread that I can’t really touch in fear of it dissolving in my fingers.
I don’t remember all of it, nor do I remember what led up to this point, but I do remember being on top of what seemed like a hill. Green grass and gravel paved the hill, and for some random reason, we were dancing. It wasn’t any real form of dancing, nor was it one I’d ever danced, but for a brief moment, we danced. Everything stopped then, the music and all the people with us disappeared as I fell to the ground, laughing and enjoying these last moments of being a child. Either I sat up and you sat across from me, or I was now standing, you looked at me with almost surprise. “You should have told me.”
Shocked and confused, I stared back at you. I’m not sure what conversation passed between us, but I was yours again, and I couldn’t have been happier.
No matter how deep I try to dig, no matter how far I go back, I can’t remember the dream. I can’t remember the music, the dancing, the person I was so happy to be with…Sure, I could guess, but it would be nice to be able to remember.
We have an interesting friendship. Last night at the hotel, after coming back from the memorials and monuments in DC, Cale and I just sat around, chatting and laughing. I love moments like this: moments where I forget where I am, how much I’ve cried, how painful tomorrow will be, and how mean we’ve been to each other. These happy moments, I don’t pay attention to how much I’m telling people, how much I’m opening up to the world. These moments, he makes me laugh. He makes me comfortable…he’s one of the only people I can actually cry in front of, one of the only people that can make me drop my guard. I love those moments.
On the other hand, we have moments where I don’t know how to move on from that point. We have those frustrating moments where anything else would have been easier. In these moments, life seems to stand still. We’re in a world where nothing exists but this conflict that we need to get over. It takes awhile to get out of those moments.
(Random fact: More people have sex in the month of June than any other month)
I don’t know why I had to include that…just saw it somewhere and thought it was interesting…you know? Like, what about the month of June makes people have more sex? Is it because it’s a lazy-esque month where the temperature is really too warm to do much and so they just enjoy the company of someone else? Hmm…
So, on Tuesday, I got a call from a friend that was traveling with James that week. Said mutual friend asked if there was anything ill going on in our relationship. I cruelly cackled in my mind, knowing that I was going to end the relationship soon. “No,” I replied, nothing was really wrong, it had been that way since the beginning…They were concerned because when they had come to visit, I was in the bed with Cale. It was okay to tell him anything, because he was a friend and only trying to help. What was going on? I had been acting a little weird since I got here. And as I stuttered answers and dodged telling them the real story, our teacher knocked on the door. I opened it and she immediately launched into an instruction on what we needed to do and what needed to be done. I hung up without saying goodbye, leaving both of them to wonder what was going on with me and I haven’t heard from him since. The next afternoon, I was single.
So, I’ve decided that I’m going to stay single for a little bit. Probably until college or something far off in the distance…I don’t want to have to deal with someone while I have no idea what I’m doing with myself...when I’m so afraid of even thinking of saying “I love you.” Lilith/Vixen thing was really hard to control this trip…what with so many people that she could potentially have (well, far from home, who cares right?) and the fact that it was a trip down Memory Lane right after another with Cale constantly around.
It is now 1:54 pm Mountain Time and really, there isn’t much more I have to contribute. All in all, this was a great trip, one that I will enjoy over and over again. The sad thing is, what parts I did not enjoy, being single isn’t one of them…
-I know I’m a horrible person
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: Hold My Hand by New Found Glory
It’s been an interesting week…In English, we wrote letters to the students next year, giving them advice and basically what we wished we knew before we started. Well, in my small hand writing, I wrote a full page and four lines of advice, reflection, and pondering about how everything this year has changed me. I wondered how the much I had changed, how many different groups and people I became attached to, how many people I hurt and broke. At the end of the “letter,” I realized so much about myself. I realized how I got through things (great friends and partners) and how I changed in how I saw people. I realized how much I grew up, how much responsibility I can handle, how much challenge I look for and how much I can take. I realized a lot this year, I’ve changed a lot this year, I’ve become so different. This morning, I realized how different I’ve become, I realized how many things led me to who I am today.
Last night was interesting. I discovered we had no butter in the house and thusly couldn’t bake or make dessert type things which then made my brothers disappointed. My parents left and got an after-dinner meal because they felt dinner (which my mom made) sucked. I had another surprising conversation with Cale, and truly couldn’t analyze why things are happening. It was all…thrown into perspective for me.
May 22, 2008 11:22 pm
I finished most of my physics Rube Goldberg project, so I’m going to let the electrical sit and be finished tomorrow.
May 23, 2008 4:55 pm
I started writing in James’ yearbook today. I got five lines down the page, realizing I never said anything about the relationship at all, and had to leave for class. I handed it off to senior friends he wanted to have sign, so I never got to finish.
June 19, 2008 12:42 pm
Because this seems so…insightful and important to figuring out who I am…I’m adding to it after all this time. I mean, here I am, sitting at an airport on my way back home. In this boredom, I’ve read through my old files and such. 11/4/07, I wrote an entry into a dreamlog thing that I start and forget all the time. I’m surprised that I don’t even remember anything about this dream at all. I mean…It’s like a faint and old thread that I can’t really touch in fear of it dissolving in my fingers.
I don’t remember all of it, nor do I remember what led up to this point, but I do remember being on top of what seemed like a hill. Green grass and gravel paved the hill, and for some random reason, we were dancing. It wasn’t any real form of dancing, nor was it one I’d ever danced, but for a brief moment, we danced. Everything stopped then, the music and all the people with us disappeared as I fell to the ground, laughing and enjoying these last moments of being a child. Either I sat up and you sat across from me, or I was now standing, you looked at me with almost surprise. “You should have told me.”
Shocked and confused, I stared back at you. I’m not sure what conversation passed between us, but I was yours again, and I couldn’t have been happier.
No matter how deep I try to dig, no matter how far I go back, I can’t remember the dream. I can’t remember the music, the dancing, the person I was so happy to be with…Sure, I could guess, but it would be nice to be able to remember.
We have an interesting friendship. Last night at the hotel, after coming back from the memorials and monuments in DC, Cale and I just sat around, chatting and laughing. I love moments like this: moments where I forget where I am, how much I’ve cried, how painful tomorrow will be, and how mean we’ve been to each other. These happy moments, I don’t pay attention to how much I’m telling people, how much I’m opening up to the world. These moments, he makes me laugh. He makes me comfortable…he’s one of the only people I can actually cry in front of, one of the only people that can make me drop my guard. I love those moments.
On the other hand, we have moments where I don’t know how to move on from that point. We have those frustrating moments where anything else would have been easier. In these moments, life seems to stand still. We’re in a world where nothing exists but this conflict that we need to get over. It takes awhile to get out of those moments.
(Random fact: More people have sex in the month of June than any other month)
I don’t know why I had to include that…just saw it somewhere and thought it was interesting…you know? Like, what about the month of June makes people have more sex? Is it because it’s a lazy-esque month where the temperature is really too warm to do much and so they just enjoy the company of someone else? Hmm…
So, on Tuesday, I got a call from a friend that was traveling with James that week. Said mutual friend asked if there was anything ill going on in our relationship. I cruelly cackled in my mind, knowing that I was going to end the relationship soon. “No,” I replied, nothing was really wrong, it had been that way since the beginning…They were concerned because when they had come to visit, I was in the bed with Cale. It was okay to tell him anything, because he was a friend and only trying to help. What was going on? I had been acting a little weird since I got here. And as I stuttered answers and dodged telling them the real story, our teacher knocked on the door. I opened it and she immediately launched into an instruction on what we needed to do and what needed to be done. I hung up without saying goodbye, leaving both of them to wonder what was going on with me and I haven’t heard from him since. The next afternoon, I was single.
So, I’ve decided that I’m going to stay single for a little bit. Probably until college or something far off in the distance…I don’t want to have to deal with someone while I have no idea what I’m doing with myself...when I’m so afraid of even thinking of saying “I love you.” Lilith/Vixen thing was really hard to control this trip…what with so many people that she could potentially have (well, far from home, who cares right?) and the fact that it was a trip down Memory Lane right after another with Cale constantly around.
It is now 1:54 pm Mountain Time and really, there isn’t much more I have to contribute. All in all, this was a great trip, one that I will enjoy over and over again. The sad thing is, what parts I did not enjoy, being single isn’t one of them…
-I know I’m a horrible person
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: Hold My Hand by New Found Glory
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
God Help Me...Wait...
I don't have a god...
So this is the third day and second night in Maryland/Washington DC. The first day, getting to the airport, getting to the hotel, getting to our rooms, I realized that I was having so much fun with these people, that no matter how hard James was going to try to spend time with me, I wouldn't enjoy it as much as the time I spend with my NHD group. Most of these people I barely know. They are people that I know of, have heard things about for all of my schooling around them, but...I had never actually spent real time with any of them outside of class. So, getting here and quickly bonding with the three of the NHD kids and spending even more time hanging out with the three and Cale, I wanted to keep this trip to NHD kids. So, furthering the impending doom of my current relationship, I basically ignored and nonchalantly dodged through every attempt James made of trying to spend time with me. Well, I could have handled that one a bit better, but I didn't care. Basically, out of our five, there were two girls and three boys. We had two rooms, split by gender. The first night, Cale and I left the other three in the boys' room to finish our website or face the dragon-wrath of our teacher and eventually, after I was so frustrated with the whole thing and Cale started getting drowsy, I made him lie down on the couch (pull out bed thing) in our room while I sat on the bed trying to work a little more. Finally, at 2 in the morning he was officially asleep so I pulled the blanket from the bed, spread it over him and went to bed. We woke up a little before 7 and prepared to head off to meet the rest of the entire group. We went to Capitol Hill, the Supreme Court, and the Museum of Indian Americans. After that, we had an impromptu trip to the National Air and Space Museum. It was fun, a lot of walking, and a whole ton of rain on the way back.
Definitely happy about the rain. I had brought an umbrella and ended up lending it away as I enjoyed my trek home through the rain. It was pretty...all the green soaked in tiny drops of water, the slightest movement would send millions of little drops of water crashing down to the floor - or my face, whichever was underneath.
The rain cleared up shortly after we got back to the hotel. The three went swimming until they came back and headed off for the NHD dance. As much fun it would have been to see what seemed like socially inept children "dance," Cale and I were lazy and helped one of the three burn DVDs and watched TV. By the end of the night, we all ended up in the boys' room, forcing one of the guys to retreat to the girls' room. Slept late, woke up lazy and didn't want to really get out of bed. The Sofa-bed thing was comfortable though.
Next morning (Tuesday), we all had our competition interviews. Cale and I were to go first, and after rushing out the door, getting lost, and having an interesting and amusing trip, we were a little late. We actually ran into one of the judges looking for us. It was pretty entertaining. The interview was alright: they were overly nice and knew quite a bit about our topic. Cool. We got back, watched tv and Angel, got food, watched more Angel, other three got back, watched more Angel, walked around a little, planned to go to the movies, didn't...came back and watched Game 6 of the NBA Finals (not much into sports...so if I botched that, eh). I've been inactive all day long and it feels really relaxing. We ordered pizza for dinner, I broke a plate, washed even more, and now, I'm doing this.
So, here comes the analysis: I've realized that I've dragged a dead relationship (tch. I avoid spending time with him...I choose Jeremy's company over his this summer!) on for too long, I've lost a conscience, learned some secrets, kept secrets, told lies, told the truth where I never expected it, tole more truth without batting an eye than I've ever managed with this person, and gained some more friends. I've had laughs, I've cried, I've beaten myself up, I've realized so many things, and I confused myself. I wouldn't trade what happened over this trip for anything...it's all of it that defined the trip and giving up a bit of it would ruin the reality and truth in it. I realize just how horrible I am, just how much I've wanted certain things, certain liberties, certain allowances. I've come to realize that it's more than being bored in this relationship, it's more than not being physically attracted to James, it's more than not wanting to ruin his innocence. I don't want to bother anymore. I can't get into a relationship just for fun...I know that these things aren't permanent...and I don't get so picky. I mean, if my next relationship would be the one I had to stick with for the rest of my life, I'd actually be picky...I'd actually analyze, follow, and get to know this person to the fullest extent. I wouldn't be playing for challenges...I'd be playing for real...but life isn't like that and no matter what, I will still be playing for challenges. I will still revolve my life around these games I love so much.
So, I realized that worry and uncontrollable fear feels like. It's not like nightmare fear...more an insecurity that you are helpless over. There's this creeping feeling that moves to the pit of my stomache, pulling and twisting to the point of discomfort. It's the worst feeling I've ever had, worse than the pain of anything I've ever had before - they were all physical. And the thing is...I think that's what I've done with my guilt. Instead of feeling guilty and such about things, I get this creeping discomfort, the manifestation of emotion that I've banished from my concious mind. You know...I've realized just how brutal, cold and heartless I could really be.
You know...I'm sort of writing this so that when I'm in college or out of college in the future, I can come back and look back on everything I've ever thought, everything I've ever done, and I want to be able to smile back and realize that he was right: I have grown as a person.
-I Need To Stop This Carousel Before It Throws Me
Scarlet Bloodmoon
P.S. I really like my password hint: "The sad thing is, I only do it to watch the soft fibers melt in the flames I later apply"
So this is the third day and second night in Maryland/Washington DC. The first day, getting to the airport, getting to the hotel, getting to our rooms, I realized that I was having so much fun with these people, that no matter how hard James was going to try to spend time with me, I wouldn't enjoy it as much as the time I spend with my NHD group. Most of these people I barely know. They are people that I know of, have heard things about for all of my schooling around them, but...I had never actually spent real time with any of them outside of class. So, getting here and quickly bonding with the three of the NHD kids and spending even more time hanging out with the three and Cale, I wanted to keep this trip to NHD kids. So, furthering the impending doom of my current relationship, I basically ignored and nonchalantly dodged through every attempt James made of trying to spend time with me. Well, I could have handled that one a bit better, but I didn't care. Basically, out of our five, there were two girls and three boys. We had two rooms, split by gender. The first night, Cale and I left the other three in the boys' room to finish our website or face the dragon-wrath of our teacher and eventually, after I was so frustrated with the whole thing and Cale started getting drowsy, I made him lie down on the couch (pull out bed thing) in our room while I sat on the bed trying to work a little more. Finally, at 2 in the morning he was officially asleep so I pulled the blanket from the bed, spread it over him and went to bed. We woke up a little before 7 and prepared to head off to meet the rest of the entire group. We went to Capitol Hill, the Supreme Court, and the Museum of Indian Americans. After that, we had an impromptu trip to the National Air and Space Museum. It was fun, a lot of walking, and a whole ton of rain on the way back.
Definitely happy about the rain. I had brought an umbrella and ended up lending it away as I enjoyed my trek home through the rain. It was pretty...all the green soaked in tiny drops of water, the slightest movement would send millions of little drops of water crashing down to the floor - or my face, whichever was underneath.
The rain cleared up shortly after we got back to the hotel. The three went swimming until they came back and headed off for the NHD dance. As much fun it would have been to see what seemed like socially inept children "dance," Cale and I were lazy and helped one of the three burn DVDs and watched TV. By the end of the night, we all ended up in the boys' room, forcing one of the guys to retreat to the girls' room. Slept late, woke up lazy and didn't want to really get out of bed. The Sofa-bed thing was comfortable though.
Next morning (Tuesday), we all had our competition interviews. Cale and I were to go first, and after rushing out the door, getting lost, and having an interesting and amusing trip, we were a little late. We actually ran into one of the judges looking for us. It was pretty entertaining. The interview was alright: they were overly nice and knew quite a bit about our topic. Cool. We got back, watched tv and Angel, got food, watched more Angel, other three got back, watched more Angel, walked around a little, planned to go to the movies, didn't...came back and watched Game 6 of the NBA Finals (not much into sports...so if I botched that, eh). I've been inactive all day long and it feels really relaxing. We ordered pizza for dinner, I broke a plate, washed even more, and now, I'm doing this.
So, here comes the analysis: I've realized that I've dragged a dead relationship (tch. I avoid spending time with him...I choose Jeremy's company over his this summer!) on for too long, I've lost a conscience, learned some secrets, kept secrets, told lies, told the truth where I never expected it, tole more truth without batting an eye than I've ever managed with this person, and gained some more friends. I've had laughs, I've cried, I've beaten myself up, I've realized so many things, and I confused myself. I wouldn't trade what happened over this trip for anything...it's all of it that defined the trip and giving up a bit of it would ruin the reality and truth in it. I realize just how horrible I am, just how much I've wanted certain things, certain liberties, certain allowances. I've come to realize that it's more than being bored in this relationship, it's more than not being physically attracted to James, it's more than not wanting to ruin his innocence. I don't want to bother anymore. I can't get into a relationship just for fun...I know that these things aren't permanent...and I don't get so picky. I mean, if my next relationship would be the one I had to stick with for the rest of my life, I'd actually be picky...I'd actually analyze, follow, and get to know this person to the fullest extent. I wouldn't be playing for challenges...I'd be playing for real...but life isn't like that and no matter what, I will still be playing for challenges. I will still revolve my life around these games I love so much.
So, I realized that worry and uncontrollable fear feels like. It's not like nightmare fear...more an insecurity that you are helpless over. There's this creeping feeling that moves to the pit of my stomache, pulling and twisting to the point of discomfort. It's the worst feeling I've ever had, worse than the pain of anything I've ever had before - they were all physical. And the thing is...I think that's what I've done with my guilt. Instead of feeling guilty and such about things, I get this creeping discomfort, the manifestation of emotion that I've banished from my concious mind. You know...I've realized just how brutal, cold and heartless I could really be.
You know...I'm sort of writing this so that when I'm in college or out of college in the future, I can come back and look back on everything I've ever thought, everything I've ever done, and I want to be able to smile back and realize that he was right: I have grown as a person.
-I Need To Stop This Carousel Before It Throws Me
Scarlet Bloodmoon
P.S. I really like my password hint: "The sad thing is, I only do it to watch the soft fibers melt in the flames I later apply"
Thursday, May 8, 2008
This Is Why You Are Horrible
I'm dedicating this whole post to conveying a message to someone. I don't know, I have a whole ton of these things saved somewhere, but none of them will ever see the sun. This one, though...I want him to see this one:
You know, I think there is something wrong with the way you tell people you can't stand the relationship anymore. I don't know if it's because I got tougher afterwards, but you soften the blow too much and in the end, when we figure out it's all a lie, it makes us feel weak about it. We don't need to be coddled and treated like we're glass when you let us go. We think it's cruel that you would try to soften the blow for us. It's lying...We don't like it when you lie. I'm sorry, I really respect you, but you are a horrible person when you lie. I realize that you feel horrible about yourself about going out with someone right after breaking up with someone else, but if that was never your intention, that isn't a problem. Your problem is not wanting to hurt us. We can be hurt. We can handle the truth. We promise. You are horrible only because you feel you need to protect us -- and you do protect us -- even as you're pushing us away. We just can't stand that kind of connection.
-I really need to find some pseudonym thing for you...Haha, you are Cale. You are now Cale.
Which, by the way, the "we" in the whole post...yeah. I was talking to someone...they have just about the same feelings. You're smart. You can figure out who she is.
Yes, this is a short piece, but...I'll make it up to you. By the way, you need a pseudonym too...FoC isn't too...creative...hmm. Haha, I'm reusing Mr. Compartner...
You know, I think there is something wrong with the way you tell people you can't stand the relationship anymore. I don't know if it's because I got tougher afterwards, but you soften the blow too much and in the end, when we figure out it's all a lie, it makes us feel weak about it. We don't need to be coddled and treated like we're glass when you let us go. We think it's cruel that you would try to soften the blow for us. It's lying...We don't like it when you lie. I'm sorry, I really respect you, but you are a horrible person when you lie. I realize that you feel horrible about yourself about going out with someone right after breaking up with someone else, but if that was never your intention, that isn't a problem. Your problem is not wanting to hurt us. We can be hurt. We can handle the truth. We promise. You are horrible only because you feel you need to protect us -- and you do protect us -- even as you're pushing us away. We just can't stand that kind of connection.
-I really need to find some pseudonym thing for you...Haha, you are Cale. You are now Cale.
Which, by the way, the "we" in the whole post...yeah. I was talking to someone...they have just about the same feelings. You're smart. You can figure out who she is.
Yes, this is a short piece, but...I'll make it up to you. By the way, you need a pseudonym too...FoC isn't too...creative...hmm. Haha, I'm reusing Mr. Compartner...
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