The general disclaimer is that I don't hate people. It is super hard for me to actually hate people, and even after great injustices and half-assed attempts of remedy, I still don't hate the person. It takes inhuman amounts of pain and annoyance for me to build up to the point where I hate people.
Ever since freshman year, this girl Danielle has been defeating every single tiny victory I celebrated. It took me forever to become great friends with this guy, and in a moment, it seemed she one-upped that friendship I had. Maybe, at the whiny age of 14, I had secretly been jealous of her ability to command social crowds like she did. But ever since that moment, I've associated her presence in my life as an omen towards my obvious inferiority in comparison to her. Junior year, she got closer to Cale. One weekend, her and a group of friends decided to go and reevaluate his wardrobe and hit up every single store that I avoid -- even now. That was a Saturday. The following Tuesday, I found myself single. And really, it was the first time I'd ever seen Cale act differently around me than with other people. Oh gosh. Well, eventually, they got to be close friends and then drifted apart when "things didn't work out between him and one of her closer friends."
Now, she's sinking her awful claws into my life again, through yet another one of the soft spots I have left. James has a class with her and since she lives like five doors down from me, will occasionally chat him up outside of school. Yesterday, she called him back as he was leaving the community after he dropped of some stuff at my house. Really? I guess it only is noteworthy because he actually turned around and went back to her. And I guess that only bugged me because he had told me he needed to get home. If he was coming back, why couldn't he have spent more time with me? On my way to the open house thing last night, I was a tad more than mildly annoyed. I've seen how very shallow she could be and how basically, she uses the people around her because they are able and willing to do a few favors. She seems nothing more than a manipulative little girl who can't realize how different the real world is from her own. And no matter what I do, probably because of a fairly harmless comparison made by Cale, I can't not see her as the symbol of failure and disappointment -- my failure and disappointment.
I suppose a lot of this wouldn't be like this if I hadn't broken down that awful Saturday and cried when he emotionally distanced himself for the sake of getting information out of me. Maybe I wouldn't see her as the epitome of all of my failures and mistakes if he hadn't stuck so closely to her after that Tuesday. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if it didn't seem like she was secretly trying to steal the people I considered important and then later moved on away from them. It doesn't seem fair from where I'm standing. I lose these people in very painful ways while she just conveniently runs out of uses for them and distances herself from them. Every one of these lead to a very painful loss for me and a harmless transition to a new puppet for her. How is that fair to me? I've already been lashed twice, can I take a third?
-Painfully
Scarlet Bloodmoon
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