TV ranting: something I hardly ever do. So, I just finished season 2 of Torchwood, and while it is a very interesting bit of sci-fi goodness, I was fairly disappointed in their choice to kill off my two favorite characters. Why did they have to kill the cynic twice and the brilliant smart Asian chick?
But all of today, I’ve been excessively moody and needy. I don’t know why it started, but at dinner, I got extremely annoyed at Andrei and then totally annoyed at my dad to the point where I didn’t really talk at all and then spoke through my teeth whenever my dad expected me to respond. And then after dinner, for the next two hours, I seethed with lack of attention and desperately needed human contact outside of my family. I’ve probably cried four times in the last three hours and it’s sad. I’m crying over nothing at all really. It just won’t stop. It’s like there’s an empty little spot in me and by probing at it (which I guess I always probe at the spots that hurt the most and see if that will push me over the edge) only makes it hurt so much to the point where I need to be held and I need to be with someone.
Damn it. I’m going to wake up alone tomorrow. And after waking up alone, I’m going hit the snooze button on my alarms and pretend I’m sleeping for another ten minutes. I will finally get out of bed, get dressed, get ready, stall a bit and then leave. It’ll be the same time and time again. Nothing will change. I don’t want to wake up alone anymore. I want someone with me. I don’t know, maybe I’ve grown dependent on having someone with me. Maybe I’m getting totally used to having something to hold onto that now, when I have nothing, I don’t want to handle it.
I’m sick and tired of people using me to get an opinion or an answer. I’m done with being the only one who knows how to do things in my house. For once, I want someone to call me because they wanted to chat about something or because they haven’t talked to me in forever. I want someone to call me out of the blue just to say hi. Through all of my life, I’ve always been the person who will listen to any story because someone needed to talk. I’ve never been able to assert myself in one-on-one conversations enough to have someone listen to me. If given the chance, I couldn’t spend forever talking about myself or what I believe in. I’m not good at vocalizing my opinions or ideals and eventually, I’ll just shut down even more. No. All I want is someone to fall asleep with.
-Maybe this is just the stress
Scarlet Bloodmoon
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