Girls are special. We all exist within our mothers as they are within their mothers. I don't know why I thought of that or why it is at all relevant, but once again, I'm forced to accept the fact that I came from sticky white stuff I make a habit of swallowing (no real pun intended) and a cell that causes so much pain for me on a monthly basis. Once again, I'm pondering my future as a mother, and once again, I'm not thinking about sex just for the sake of sex. I hate it when I get like this.
I'm past the point where I'm unsure about everything, but I'm not yet past the point where I know for sure how I want everything to work out. It seems I have been hurt way too many times to allow myself to fully believe in anything and there is still that little part of me that wonders what will happen if things don't work out. Will he change, or will I change my entire social group and lifestyle just to avoid some conflict? Or, will we both be so masochistic we stay together in the same social groups, work together on everything, and pretend everything is okay when really, we are both seething in wounds that still yearn to be nursed? Back and forth, this little part of me argues, but given the right distraction -- or maybe it's me turning away from it and giving something else more attention -- it stops. I no longer care because maybe I'm so done and busy I can't ponder other things or maybe it's because I'm wrapped so tightly in his arms that I need to remind myself to breathe.
It's weird. There are times where I forget that I'm in a relationship. It's not like I start looking for attention or that I start to wonder who I could get, but there is just this overall sense of tranquility and euphoria where I am so used to how things are that I equate where I am with most of my life previously where I was outside of a relationship and still equally happy. Or maybe it's because with conscious thought, I could never give enough credit and meaning and value to the relationship and so my subconscious takes it over. Or, maybe in those moments, if I listened hard enough or thought hard enough, I could actually seen something beyond conscious thought.
It kind of feels like I should start over with this blog. Do a newer introduction to myself, something less attention-whore and a little bit more personal. I started this thing with the intention of maybe an audience of three people I actually see day-to-day and whoever else that would stumble into the blog and stay around. I now have maybe five people I see on a day-to-day and I don't care who sticks around. Maybe it's time to be a little bit more open about my personality and stop trying to cover tracks.
-Good Night, Sweet Dreams, I Love You
Scarlet Bloodmoon
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