We canceled the crashing and put it off to today. Still, I'm not going to go, no matter how much begging will be done. I'm really enjoying where I am right now with a lot of things in my life. I don't want to ruin the friendships that I have now with these people, and really, why should I let someone easily talk me into something I really don't want to do?
I've always been easily pressured into things and I've never really regretted offering myself to make things easier. People have encouraged me to look out for myself or to just live for me, but I've always pushed their words aside and became a supporting character in my own play. (Wow, a lot of play and drama references...) Well, I guess this is me taking my first few steps towards actually taking the advice of these people who invest so much of their time talking me out of my bad decisions. I'm just afraid that the pressure outside of my little cave of my solitude will become too overpowering...
Well, you never know until you try.
(Edit: Seconds after posting, I felt like I wanted to add something. The following text until the divide is all from that decision)
I've told up to three people about a bad decision in the future. All of those three people have basically told me that I will decide on the "right" thing when the time comes. The thing is, I wanted these people to tell me that I was ridiculous and that I was wrong to be considering the immoral side of the events waiting for me. I wanted someone to either physically, virtually, or figuratively slap me and tell me that there was really no way in Hell, I would be allowed to even consider the immoral stuff. I realize now, that I'll be an adult, capable of judging the field way before I'm playing on it. I realize that I have to make my own decisions because these three people can't decide everything for me. I realize that the twinge of disappointment was probably rooted from the fact that no one can care after a certain point where I have to be responsible for my own actions. I realize, that from here on out, I'm cruising on nothing but suggestions and advice that I can choose to ignore if it fancied me.
That is the scariest realization I've ever come upon.
I don't know why this hurts, but it brings me back to a small argument I had with a friend towards the beginning of the school year. During that fight/argument, she talked about me to a third party while I was sitting right there, accusing me of things that I'll admit I did, but treating me like I wasn't there...or just wasn't good enough to be recognized. I sat there, my mind wandering to keep myself from focusing too hard and breaking down, but later, in the comfort and safety of a warm embrace, I cracked. The worst thing was, I felt sorry for screwing up with this presence in the past, and while the only reason I was crying was because I had just been attacked and made less worthy, I could only manage a weak apology for hurting him.
Time passed, things changed, and now, I'm making it feel like I'm baiting him, using my clever ways of catching attention to make him talk to me. In the past two conversations (because the first of the two is when I realized it), I've been waiting for him to use my name. I guess I deserve it, and every "babe" that taunts me from my screen is probably mocking me for my choice in petnames and "terms of endearment" that I resorted to while I was being immature.
For some reason, I keep hoping that while he's analyzing every single crack in my outlook on life or how I present myself, he'd actually address me by my name. I guess, I feel like if he's tearing apart my attitude and reactions towards life, my decisions and moral dilemmas, he'd personalize the experience a little bit and make it seem humane. Well...that's not the right word...realistic maybe? No...Well...I can't think of a word that isn't "personal"...because that's redundant. Moving on, I guess I'm expecting that since this is really the closest thing to actually building a friendship with this person, that there is some level of attachment and a bit of displayed emotion...I'm convinced that using my name instead of a label or petname would reach that level.
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And since, this person does have the URL to the blog (though asked not to be talked about...Umm...I don't think this was the level of exposure he was concerned about...) I didn't really mean to tear my heart open (I'm a crafty girl like that...making allusions that tie in with my title) and use this as my soapbox to complain about it just for him to find it. In fact, it doesn't really hurt as much as it did the first time, it's now an annoyance I can stand...Well...Keeping true to the reason I started this blog, I'm going to report the major occurrences in my life along with the minor insecurities that make me the horrible person I am.
-I Feel Like I Should Be Signing Off
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title from: Scars by Papa Roach.
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