I feel a little weird posting again after...about 13 hours, but I might as well get this over with.
Early this predawn Tuesday, I received strong advice against bits of my personality I've never been too fond of, yet secretly admire. I received advice asking me to consider the true value of my playtoys and ideal guys. (Wow...I have no reason why I prefer to call them playtoys...For some reason, it makes me feel more empowered to realize how tightly I've wound these people around my fingers. Now I'm wondering if I'll miss it when I leave all of them because they're bad for me.) Early this predawn Tuesday, before I wrote my last post, I've had to pull the small rambles I've done while sitting in my car alone, criticizing myself about how I simply can't see people for their personalities. In fact, I wrote a rant about it on one of my not-so-forgotten blogs.
"Well, I haven't been giving this one too much attention only because of all the crap I still have to do and the fact that I censor myself sometimes on this blog. I have a few more on my other one (if you need to know the URL, you already do) and that's probably the best place to look.
It's been a period full of turmoil and self-doubt. I watched as the people around me uprooted themselves and then planted themselves down again while I stood there, in the forest of moving trees, the only person around. I love all of the trees around me, but they are in no way a good match at all. None of them will nurture me like I need to be, none of them will be able to flip flop with me and my crazy mood swings. No one will be able to handle me. This period of watching the trees has made me wish I was still in a relationship. I loved being in one, and I am loving the freedom and playing, but I want someone warm to come back to. I just want to know that there is someone who will play when I want, but will really love me whether or not I flirt with them. I'm thinking of purging every single one of my games and just searching for an honest-to-god good boy that I can proudly take home to my family.
I was thinking about things again in my car. I hated myself for being so damn picky. I felt myself emotionally and mentally attracted to some guys (they're wonderful people and incredibly intelligent), but I guess I didn't find them trim-cut and perfect enough on the outside. A twinge of regret when hearing about his latest bouts of girl-troubles reminded me that I still admired him and wished I could be closer, but he was not cut out enough for the part. A spot of pride when he told the others that I was the closest to "his type" was quickly dashed when I told myself I didn't want him. His natural ability to ease up any moment and to produce the most information took second to the fact that I couldn't see myself with him. I'm so fickle.
I kind of just want to find the nearest decent relationship and go with it. I know for a fact that there's one that has the possibility of brewing in the next few weeks/months. There is another one-sided one that is probably still waiting for me. I don't want either of them. You know what the saddest thing is? I'm not in a postion to choose, but I want him to ask me, and I want him to be a nerdy-esque gamer guy. I want him to be into fantasy and fiction and be able to rant and rave about silly things like literature or...coding. I want him to be a nervous wreck and then I'd be able to smile, accept and brighten his day. I want him to understand the humor behind all the funny shirts that I find online and I want him to know what the hell I'm talking about all the time. I want to learn something from him, and I want him to learn something from me. I want to be able to get through weeks without the undying urge to strip him naked and have my way with him. I want to be able to chat cutely about menial things until I'm about to pass out from lack of sleep and then giggle when he falls asleep on the other side of the phone. It's really starting to sound like parts of my old crushes and relationships...Is it possible to splice the personalities of like five guys into one super-boyfriend?
I am an Olivia, a diva with no real desire to deal with the incessant sloshings of silly men. I am Viola, a quiet yet bold force that will do anything to get what she wants. I am Cleopatra, who, realizing what needed to be done, wasn't afraid or reserved at all about her gifts. I am Kathrina, a shrew by default, but willing to change the world for the man who deserves me. I am Desdemona, an innocent victim in a cruel game. I am Juliet, a foolish lover who fell to ruin as he did too. I am Lady MacBeth, an ambitious demon who drives those around me to danger. I am Ophelia, who drove herself to suicide after her love drove to insanity.
I am the women of Shakespeare - proper yet improper; proud yet humble; innocent yet deadly; beautiful yet scarred. I am the forces that keep the men around me tied to their nemesis, and I live for every moment their little leash catapults them back to me. I'm nothing but a modern, living archetype of who I've wanted to be since I was just a little child. I am the perfect combination of the people I've secretly wished to become.
Now, to find that romantic/comedic partner and wrap up my play.
-I Wish I Could Tell You, But Would You Really Listen?"
Coming from one of my older blogs, I posted this a little more than two weeks ago. (I don't know why I copied and pasted...most of the people if not all reading this already have that one...) I realized then what I was told 14-ish hours ago. I realized a lot about myself and while I haven't really seen anyone I play with for about two weeks, I still feel like I'm still playing with the people I shouldn't be playing with. I've formally decided to sever myself from all of the people that are destructive towards my health. Four or five names to ignore and pretend I'm not quietly storing away any bit of information because that's what I do.
What in the world is so hard about finding a nerdy Asian guy that I can take home to my family? Oh, that's right. I don't want someone who won't fight back. I want to be challenged and pushed to my limit - all in good fun. Gosh...the idea of splicing personalities and past relationships sounds so good right now...Too bad life isn't about becoming a modern Frankenstein and creating this..."perfect" counterpart.
I started this post with an intent to do some more reforming and somehow prove that I had more than physical qualities and sex on my mind. Well, the easiest place to start would be the three in my blog quote. James, Napoleon, and Pastry. Well, in the past two weeks, I've decided that Pastry wasn't a candidate at all, leaving me with James and Napoleon. I would like to point out that I haven't written anything at all about them physically. They are both very intelligent people that I've come to admire in the past three years. (What's hilarious is that both of them were in my English class last year...) The two of them have aren't exactly foils, but have little in common. As horrible as it may seem, Napoleon seems more intelligent than James, but James is more of a nerd than Napoleon.
Tristan...I seriously don't know very much about him. He's a really nice kid, a total bookworm, and definitely plays/played WoW, but other than that, I don't know why I really started liking him...Well, he's cute and has really pretty cursive, but I guess that's really as far as it goes....
Dante was proof that I just wanted what I told myself I couldn't have. I guess I never saw him as much, and really, is just a faint blur on the journey. Besides being musically inclined and a closet nerd, there really isn't much going for him.
Lucien is a really nice kid. I've known him since seventh grade, and really, his angsty vault of secrets may be deeper than anyone could expect, but he doesn't show it much. He's always cheery, and every time I pass him in the halls, or something, he always manages a greeting. He's really easy to talk to, and just has this air about him that makes me want to help. Sure, he has his share of drama and secrets, but that doesn't seem to affect his mask, and I admire him for so much. A part of me isn't sure if I only like him still to get back to my childhood or if there really is a reason why I want to baby him and make it all better.
And whether it be cruel or just honest, I can say that this desire is fulfilled with these prospects: "I want to be able to get through weeks without the undying urge to strip him naked and have my way with him."
-I Guess I Just Needed To Show You
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title From: Broken by Seether featuring Amy Lee
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