You know what is silly? There are moments where I swear James pushes to a limit where I’m not expected to back down. In my hopeful moments, I wonder what he really wants and proceed to speculate freely (and oftentimes, it’s quite embarrassing to catch myself like that). In other moments, I shrug it off and wonder why he’s pushing his face so close to mine. Forgetting the moment, though, I stare into his eyes and wonder how I would act in a relationship with him. I’m not going to lie, after high school started, I’ve started getting more needy and physical. I mean…being the shallow and horrible person I am, I wouldn’t have any bit of a physical relationship with James. That’s why there are chocolate cakes and pieces of candy that I can freely take in. Well…somewhere, I think one of the reasons I’m so into the idea of a relationship is because deep down, there is a strong desire to prove that I am fully capable of an emotional relationship and somehow prove that I am the perfect girlfriend and can settle for the minimum…not that James is anything less than a wonderful guy.
There are moments of weakness where my little demoness wants an extra inch or two and snarls like an angry wolf when I rein her in tighter. I feel the random urge to give into this physical side where I set my demoness free and let her terrorize the male population. There are moments where people get close enough that I want to act out, but I’ve never let her go that far. I react to other people taking the initiative, but this time, I’m not starting anything. If he wants to kiss me, he’d have to do most of the work! I don’t know, there’s just something about the way I need to make myself appear to James, though, that keeps me on my best behavior around him. I mean, yes, I still make comments and think of these horribly raunchy thoughts, but I am better in his company than I am anywhere else. I don’t play as much and I am a lot more reserved. I knew he’d be good for me…
I’ve spent enough time with him in the past four months to really mean something, and recently, EVERYONE thinks we should start dating. I guess sometime between one of my last rants and like…yesterday, we’ve been lumped together as a couple for prom only because it was convenient and we were both going as singles anyways…Eh. It works. Bella thinks that it’s definitely obvious that I’m obsessed with him, so obvious that her oblivious Otter knows it. Well, then, wouldn’t that mean that eventually, I will get a direct approach thing so that I could stop obsessing?
Ooh! Side note, I got an application at Harkins, so I will fill it out eventually and turn it in. Eh. Not top priority, but sure.
I beam with pride every time he pats me on the head or says I did a good job. There is a level of knowing I am awesome every time he laughs at something silly that I’ve done. I’ve always been one to take small victories, so these small things really make me happy, you know? I’m finally getting my moments and when Bella is far away, there are comments thrown around that basically places me above her. I’ve never competed with Bella – ever. Not when I picked up an ex boyfriend of hers, not when we were both in relationships and life was all dandy and lollipops, not when we’ve competed together in competitions: she’s never been a real threat.
On this note, Bella’s been having a bit of turmoil in her relationship. I’m not going to lie; I’ve never submitted myself to this torture where I cared enough of how my time with a boyfriend was spent. I was glad to have time with him (especially after my parents went into lockdown mode) and it really didn’t matter what we were doing. Towards the end, I could have run on pure conversation. I didn’t need to see him. I was happy to see the amount of love in his eyes. I was flattered to know the privy things about him. I was amused when he presented me with cake. I guess most of it came from the fact that he was too mature for his age and whatever he did made me feel like he thought about me. He gave me a level of dominance that made me feel powerful and sexy, and so much flattered my ego and boosted my confidence that I just couldn’t stop and keel over until a new relationship after that one broke off.
I kept looking for that one hit of power and dominance. I kept looking for that one person who I could play with that would make me feel as fulfilled as he had. I never really found a person to do that, but I did find a number of people who would come to me for “favors.” I don’t want someone to keel over and wait to be abused, I wanted someone who would play along but let me get top for the sake of letting me feel powerful. I wanted someone who would let me think I had control and then easily take it away and dominate me. I want to be flattered and proven powerful and sexy, but I want to be submissive at the same time. I want to feel their power, that overwhelming force that I could take solace in, that I could be wrapped in and feel nothing else but their power over me. It’s kind of weird. I want to be worshiped and served a little, but on the other hand, I want them to strip me of all power and prove to me that they are worth running to when the day goes bad.
I swear I would so be into bondage and being tied up. I would love to be pinned down and held powerless as he slowly tortures me…Wow, that was a tangent…
I’ve stopped looking for the next game. I am happily and actively involved in a small-scale game where I try to be the cutest I can and casually interact with James, using slight amounts of physical contact. I mean, there are hugs (because I give most everyone hugs) and select moments, I choose to rest my head on his shoulder or pull closer to him or rest my hand in the crook of his arm (which is adorable because he’s way tall and it doesn’t really work that well). We’ve just gotten to a point where we’re being cute and annoying the heck out of everyone around us for not making sense at all. We randomly greet each other with “Good morning, how are you?” at any time of the day (especially past
Eh, nothing much else to talk about I guess…
Scarlet Bloodmoon
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