Processing Emotions: This May Slow Normal Run Time

It started with a simple statement: "Friends are people who will pick up a phone call at 1 in the morning just because you couldn't sleep and have a lot on your mind you would like to talk out." From there, since I can't let anything go without trying it, I wondered who would pick up a phone call from me in the wee hours of the night. And from there, I started wondering if the person I want to spend the rest of my life with (and through large amounts of being cynical, he remains faceless and nameless to me) would go further than that: would he come find me and make me feel better if I ever needed him to?

When I get like that, there is a suffocating feeling, like I'm drowning in all of my pondering and there is nothing that can get me out of it. I still function, but I do it at a much groggier pace. I'm working at 110% and something's slowing me down. It feels like something is slowly picking away at my heart, the numbing anesthetic I had pulled over the fragile emotions blocking most of the pain and discomfort, but I can feel something pulling at the tissue. I can feel what I know as truth fall away and I'm actually confused for a little bit. Eventually, someone notices that I'm gone too long, that I'm missing and they come and look for me. Throwing out a lifeline, I grab hold and try to amble back to shore. As soon as I touch land again, I go back to being the evil, cynical, and cryptic person I tend to be.

It's through these little musings that I realize my life is pretty much set. I realize that there are people who will pick up the phone at 3 in the morning, even, just to comfort me. I realize that there are people who pay attention to the small details about me, the details that I thought only I would take the time remembering. I realize that my relationships with these people are better than the relationships and friendships I have with normal people: every single one of these people who excel at making me happy, I have an abnormal friendship with. I realize just exactly how well I have it all.

So, I watched Juno for the second time tonight. I don't know what it is about the film, but it makes me cry every time. Maybe it's because I really want to be able to find someone like Paulie Bleaker, someone who just knows things without being told. Maybe it's because I realize just how many people I shouldn't even consider worth my time...Maybe it's because I want things to be that storybook and no matter what, they will never be.

So I realize that I am a demoness that thrives for physical contact. I feel best curled against someone, within someone's embrace, having someone stroke my hair in that manner where it's like they put their whole heart into a single motion of their hand. I love collecting stares and compliments, I love innocent kisses on the top of my head, I love light nibbles on the tips of my fingers, I love the little things that seem to mean nothing. I seem to love being worshiped, but at the same time, I want to work for that look in their eyes, the one where it looks like they want to settle me onto a pedestal and just...ravish me. Oh, and I love it when they play.

-Building Hybrid Fantasies: Please Insert CD 3 to Continue
Scarlet Bloodmoon