I've learned that no matter how much I try, I cannot kill the vixen I can easily become. She's always there and at every comment I could create, she chuckles evilly as I try to reign her in. I've learned that I cannot hate this girl no matter what and I can't stand to see her fail. I lost sympathy for someone in the same place not long ago, but her...I just can't. I learned that no matter how much I try to spend away from the people who are bad for me, they just keep coming closer. I've learned just how much I can't stand people who seem to intrude on my territory: people who suddenly show up out of nowhere and try to be a little more like me.
Hmm...Well, coming back to this post: some things are repeated.
It’s a new month, another milestone, and another countdown. It’s been an interesting month, full of ups and downs, and really, I can’t believe how quickly the month has gone by. I remember the beginning of the month where we were still busy trying to get Robotics stuff done and sorted before the competition. I still remember the end of February, baking that cake with Bella. It seems like it was all mere weeks ago, not a whole month. I remember competitions, staying with my Gilbert fanclub and being absolutely OCD about the pit area. Break started and I had gotten Brawl for the Wii. This included staying up to predawn hours with my brothers all gathered in the game room. This included waking up at
Here’s to another month and another misadventure the life of this disgruntled teenager. I’m trying to be as saintly as you appear – babe – but there is just this…demoness that wants to play.
Dark swirling feelings and emotions have been haunting me. What’s really amusing is the fact that there is a girl who – perhaps if she were any other girl or if I hadn’t changed – I should hate, but I can’t hate her or think of her any less. Besides that, it’s a mesh of hating myself for being so obsessed – no one knows it, but gosh, I just have to know where he might be and I look for him! Seriously, when driving to school, I’m wondering if we’d randomly run into each other (not literally) or when we’re taking random field trips off to places, I watch for everything…What really bugs me about myself is I’ve gotten to a point where I’m territorial about it now. There is a girl – freshman no less – who just randomly showed up one day and started playing with Silver at first. I mean, him being the college boy he is, he just responded, but the thing is, didn’t she realize how lost she was? He’s 20, she’s 14 and seriously, the attention he paid her was nothing like the one he gave me. It doesn’t matter anymore though, because with the amount of playing Silver does, he plays with me more than he does anyone else around me. The thing that really bugs me now about her is that she’s playing with James. It really bugs me that it seems like she’s trying to impose herself into where I am with my friends, that she strives to become what I seem to a number of people. I don’t think she realizes that I have different masks for all of my friends and groups and that she’s forcing me to carry all of my masks through to each and every one of my groups. She calls me out or challenges me on the random amount of sexual activity I’ve done, and seriously, forces me to be more blunt than I ever had to be with other friends. I’m uncomfortable around her because she’s so physical (while I’m seriously trying to curb my physical dependency) and seriously, she doesn’t really know either of them half as well as I do. She criticizes my friends and teammates and thinks it’s sad that she – while not in Robotics – made it to a meeting while no one else did (which, three others made it). She just bugs me now, you know? I guess part of it is because she kind of stole my spotlight and barged into where I thought I was safe, but another is that she’s trying so hard to become a part of a group. I never had to try this hard and if I really had to, I’d have found some new groups. It’s just silly.
Well, this post is really short, and just a little late, but hey, I wrote it. It's just...There's been so many things on my mind, but a lot of it is just school stuff and me being a nerd. As much as I love that part of me, that's not what this blog was for. No one wanted to read about me being a nerd way back when, so why now? You know?-It's Really Tempting
Scarlet Bloodmoon
PS - Psychosomatic was the password for my laptop for March. Next month, I'll tell you mine for April.
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