The New Dawn

We are all finally adults, but it doesn't feel like it. I still agree with everything everyone says, and am in the middle of all the groups because of it. I still have the messiest room ever, but that's how my mind works. I still am in love with giving away all of my time, am still super miserly, and I am still a kid unless I grew up so fast I don't remember the transition.

It's scary. Technically, I could be in charge of children: pure, innocent, clean slates. This scares me to no end. I am not ready for huge responsibility. Sometimes, I'm not even responsible enough for myself and constantly amaze myself that I can actually get up in the mornings. When did this happen?

Finally, James is legal. It's been three months since I've been legal, and for those three months, it really hasn't bothered me. But, finally, we can do stuff that he's never been able to. Umm...like we can go to clubs? But I guess, we're not really going to do much of that stuff...

(March 22, 2009)

He got all excited about the things he is now allowed to do, and asked if I had felt it too. I really haven't. Life hasn't really changed for me since I turned 18. I am now more cautious because my dad has a short temper and can really throw me out and I'd have nowhere to go. All of my friends were 17 still and I would have no one to do silly and crazy adult stuff with. I mean, yeah, I can get tattoos and piercings, but I don't want to look after it, and I don't want to not be able to do stuff because of a huge open wound thing I have.

So, I was reading some of my first posts, going through the first like 25 posts to find a date of something before going back and reading things. It is silly how many things don't apply anymore, or contrast so sharply from what is today. There was a post way back in March, probably a little more than a year ago, where I talk about a tad of palm-reading I had read into and what the meanings of pinky rings were. Well, over the summer, I had gotten one: a cute little silver ring with a spherical piece of hematite mounted and such. And then, I think shortly after getting it, we go to the beach. These two Polish guys come up to me and blatantly start flirting with me despite the language barrier. It got to the point where the guy who was mainly flirting had to rely on the other guy to translate. That was ridiculous. But before I got the ring, we had gone to a club and I had gotten two guys to dance with me simultaneously. So I guess, I'm just the type of person where I exude a sense of confidence to the point where I'm approachable, but still picky enough to need some sort of stability to go further than simple banter.

When I was in Eindhoven, I had a slightly prophetic dream? James was sitting in a wooden chair without arms and I had approached him. Either there was some light banter, or not, but eventually, I kissed him. He pulled me onto his lap and we kissed again. Beaming, I had said, "We suck at being just friends." As it turns out, yes, we were the worst "just friends" couple ever.

But anyways, I guess the whole point of this little digression was to say that my pinky ring doesn't really mean that I'm looking for sex (even though when I lose it, we seem to find less time for it), but that I had left all of my emotional baggage and finally moved on. It was also the joint that I had participated in smoking, and the other that I had shared with Jeremy. It was dancing with about four or five people at the club, getting slightly tipsy, and just having a great time in a manner my goody-goody self wouldn't do. Yes, I got sex after I got my ring, but only because I had left every bit of the morals I could live without behind. And to think that at one point, I had declared to practice abstinence. Tch.

So I guess from here on out, everything I do is my decision. I have no one to blame for the things I do except myself. Well, at least I can go buy things to make the rest of my life just a little bit more fun.

-Give Me The Road to Fulfillment; Forget Morals and Decency
Scarlet Bloodmoon