Echo

So August has been fun. James and I had our one year anniversary: he got me a rose (the only boyfriend ever to give me flowers. The only other people have been Bella, and my friend Antonio. He's gay) and then we drove around doing things. We had lunch at IKEA and it was delicious. It was also super packed...We then went over to his house, watched Wall-E, had dinner while watching Cloverfield, and acted cute the entire time. It was super fun and I was extremely happy. I couldn't wait to be able to spend every day for the rest of our lives together. We'd be so incredibly in love and we'd do cute and sappy things like curl on the sofa and watch children's movies for hours, or something...This was also the day that he saw me cry...Which was interesting as I hardly ever let other people see me cry...or that I've never needed to cry when he's around. We also realized that we've never really gotten into a fight. Like, we've never had a real problem with anything the other person is doing, and if we did, the other person either took the discussion to heart, or there was a reasonable chat over it. Maybe next year, we'll have a real fight.

And then college started. That is going well. It's easier than I thought...I was so ready to be fully immersed in stuff to do, but really, I have no homework outside of class yet, and it's all so boring! I do meet up with a few friends on campus, get lunch and such, talk, chat, plot and plan...but in the long run, if this doesn't pick up, I will be deeply disappointed.

I got a new Blackberry Curve...well, not new, but it's new to me! That's super exciting. I have the phone I originally wanted! But I had to pay for it...cheap ass parents...

I went to Prescott for a weekend for the Engineering school I am apart of. A lot of the kids were from out of state, and so it was a really cool experience talking to all of these people and getting to know these people who willing came into a state of unbearable weather, and beyond poor education. There were some really cool people, some really cool people in my major, and some really cool people that I will probably see later down the road and rarely talk to, but that's okay! It was just a fun little thing and everything was stress-free and fun.

During the weekend on Prescott, it was the one-year-mark for when James and I started having sex. Not that it's really a big deal or whatever, but I do numbers...and I remember dates. I forgot it while I was in Prescott and only remembered now, if that means anything. I came back the next day, and we had some nummy and fairly hasty sex pretty much in the same place we did a year ago. Ha, we're silly. But this time, it was a different experience altogether. The ending was immensely different, it was not awkward, there was so much emotion and connection throughout the entire thing that it kind of became the perfect way to usher in a new year. Last year had a milestone. It was kind of weird and I got an email afterward, apologizing for it. This year started off worlds different. It's like the perfect representation of the growth our relationship has gone through.

Wow...that was super BS. I'm sorry I'm a girl and can pull this sort of analysis stuff out of nowhere. But um...That's pretty much it for the month of August. September sounds like a charm, and I can't wait for #13!

-Screw Unlucky! I Make My Own Luck
Scarlet Bloodmoon

PS - You know how James and I were "Single" according to Facebook, it was all a lie. Seriously. I got bored and wanted to stage a mind-fuck.

We're All Fucked Up

So Daniel tried to kill himself tonight. It was around 8:30 pm and he had taped the cracks on the door and tried to poison himself with carbon monoxide. After a huge bout of being shellshocked, finding ample distraction in small things, I stopped crying. James came over for a little, provided comfort and light-heartedness where he could, and my dad had started hardcore yelling by the time he left. Apparently, Dad had started hitting Daniel at that time too. My mom yelled some, watched them closely, but eventually went to bed when things cooled down a tick.

After this entire thing, I'm more and more sure that Daniel might be clinically depressed. He's always had a darker sense of humor, and always wrote darker things, and got really into Existentialism for a bit. He had said that everything was boring and empty and he has a huge dependency on gaming, which I guess is really the only thing he has that makes him happy. Now, my dad is currently belittling the fact that he may need help, and if I were clinically depressed, the entire thing could seriously make me try again.

The thing with my dad is, he thinks this is a normal family. Tch. As if. Jeremy is currently heavily dependent on nicotine, tries to get marijuana when/wherever possible, and definitely needs to straighten out. Daniel just tried to fucking kill himself. I am so sick and tired of his bullshit and overriding arrogance that I can't wait to leave. He seriously believes that everyone should be exactly like him and that everything is about him. If he is unhappy, he pinpoints a problem and just picks at it. He resorts to physical violence sometimes, berates, and humiliates. He just lashes out. I no longer tell him anything because it's no use. It doesn't matter that there is no way to make his wishes work, it has to be done his way. It doesn't matter what my motivations are behind my actions. It doesn't matter that this is my way of dealing with things. If it isn't agreeable to his options, they are wrong. No matter what.

My dad constantly wants us to be "a normal family." He pretends that we are. What other normal family has one figure antagonize everyone and drives a wedge between everyone? What other normal family pretty much all-but-disowns a child and "ignores" everything he does? What other normal family works like ours? What other normal family has everyone hating on one person just because that one person is so obscenely selfish and stubborn and power-hungry? He seeks to control everything because he is afraid of losing everything. He is so caught up in this that he doesn't realize that he pretty much already has. Of course, I'm wrong to go out on weekends but he goes out and shoots every weekend and is gone for most of the day. I'm wrong for my actions but he can do whatever he wants simply because none of us are in the financial position to do anything about it.

This is definitely a learning experience. I've learned to shut up and take it. I've learned to take belittlement and still walk away with all of my dignity, self-worth, and self-confidence in tact. I've learned how to deal with people like this and to stick it out for as long as possible. I've also learned that I don't want to deal with this shit any longer.

So I've been bottling everything, and I guess the earthquake of today shattered everything. I am so emotionally unstable right now. I guess that is completely my fault for storing this stuff for so long. At least it doesn't really hurt more than it did originally...but I got all of the really old stuff out awhile ago dealing with relationships, hormones, sappy movies, and other pointless shit. It feels good to cry, but I always get snotty and I hate how I look when I cry. I definitely think I look completely less attractive with red puffy eyes and a super runny nose. I totally feel better though.

At least I know how not to raise kids.

-Yay Family Problems...
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Asphyxiation

This is kind of late for the month of August, but that's okay, I think. There really isn't much to go over, and my dates kind of mix together because I have no real structure at the time being to reference days off of. I spend a lot of time on the internet reading web comics and have come up-to-date with probably four new ones this month. I have made two orders of sex toys and accessories, and frankly, the first order I received weren't so fun. That's okay.

I went shooting a little bit ago. James was off in California with his dad and so I decided I might as well wake up at 4 in the morning to try to hunt for bunny rabbits. Shot none, saw five, and did some target shooting. I'm not that good, but also not that terrible. It was entertaining, but not exactly my thing.

School starts in like 10 days, and I'm kind of mixed up about that one. I know I will graduate with debt, and it's completely my fault for that. I know I will have to grow up, and I don't want to. It's scary, but at the same time, I'm excited. Bring on this next challenge; I will make it my bitch. I'm just excited for this change, this freedom, and this autonomy. Maybe I should get some extra income and move out of this house?! I don't know, something will happen, it will be big, and when it does come, I will be there, laughing into its face.

This month's mile stone will make it the anniversary. The "real" one, the 1-year one. Not like the 2-month-versary or whatever girls like to celebrate...This is it. In fact, this is like the first real mile stone I've established in a relationship. That's Sunday.

This, is also my 100th post, which is fairly exciting. It only took my pretty much a year and a half to accomplish. Maybe, I should come up with 100 new things about me? Or maybe 100 things I want to do before I die. I like that one better.

So here's to more fun things looming in the future.

-Cursed into silence, yet only a mockery
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Nice Guys finish last...or maybe First?

So I guess, we've all grown up with those online lists of how the "nice guys" promise to love and pamper girls. Those always complain about how girls are always after jerks and whine about how all girls will cry to them when their hearts are broken. Well, yeah...

Let's have a little bit of biology and the psychology of human attraction. So, our bodies release pheromones when we are most fertile. For males, this is pretty much always once they've hit maturity and it stops eventually when they are no longer in their "golden years" of sexual peak. This is because males always produce sperm and so are always fertile. This being said, I personally (completely and totally) believe that the more testosterone a male has, the more fertile they will be. However, I have never officially cross-referenced my belief with actual science, so it is just a belief. It makes sense, the more male hormone a guy has, the more male he will be and the more likely he will impregnate a female. So, these high-testosterone and manly guys are always super fertile and so they must have strong pheromones. High testosterone also makes them jerks. They are aggressive, super fertile, and super likely to pick up another girl just to further his chances of dominating the gene pool. This is why societies work best when there are more females to males and why monogamy is something that has to be worked for, or at least conditioned. That being said, females are super into the high pheromones, which makes all chicks dig jerks. This is because of biology. There is no other way.

We would all love to date a guy who will wait in the dressing room for us and tell us we aren't fat and not take advantage of us while we are drunk. That is a very lovely quality in human beings, but while we are young and fertile, we want someone who reeks of male pheromone and can answer our biological clocks. Often, women achieve this by dating the "nice guys" and then going off and having outside relations with jerks. They have the perfect father figure at home while getting the best chance of baby-making. Sometimes, there are those jerks who are conditioned from an early age to respect females and to be required to really try and romance them. Sometimes, women are lucky enough to find and be able to date one of these men. Yours truly is one of these lucky women.

So, I think this is the tl;dr version of this lesson: if you are one of the "nice guys," there is a great chance you are just too much of a pussy for girls to date.

Anyways, summer has been slightly uneventful. Stayed at home for the rest of summer after going to Taiwan. The most hilarious thing is, my dad is now trying to get me out of the house on extended trips while my mom is trying to keep me here for as much as possible so that I don't have sex with people and end up pregnant and useless. I don't know who will eventually give up: my dad after he realizes I want to go out to somewhere potentially unsafe and I have no female friends who would accompany me, or my mom when she realizes my dad really wants me out of the house so that he could save on the energy bill.

That, and I've been having the greatest craving for artfully prepared beef...

-Wasting Away
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Karma

New month, one month from last post.

Okay, this one is a little bit more about my sexuality and level of sexual activity. General disclaimer.

So I got back from Taiwan, it was great, solid week of hedonism. Like, at least once every day for seven days. At the end, Plan B. First time I've ever taken synthetic hormones intentionally, and definitely something I didn't dread or feel weird about like I thought I might about a year ago. Maybe it was the person, or the fact that it might have been I was really fertile this time. Definitely learned some lessons, and when the progesterone wears off, I'm for sure going onto watch.

I guess this sounds a tad vague...

Okay. Run down of the reproductive stuff I was talking about:

Firstly, every girl has cycles. It's like a rollercoaster that hardly changes. Sometimes, there are unexpected failures and riders are stuck in the middle for like an hour, but it hardly happens. Typically, the first day of the cycle is counted as the first day of a girl's period. The published average is 28 days per cycle, but that's totally off for most people. About half-way into the cycle, the girl is the most fertile during that cycle. This is a five day window and unprotected sex is going to lead to pregnancy in most cases. It depends on the girl, and there are many ways to tell without having to buy fertility tests. The period before that window, and after the window are safe days for unprotected without any reproduction. (As a side note, sperm can probably last about 3 days if conditions are slightly fertile. 5 is the safe number to work for, but it's sacrificing two days of clumsy teenage trying. The fertile egg window is about a day, so the window is three or four days before ovulation and the day after. For getting pregnant, if the couple is willing, sex all five days will definitely increase those chances.)

Some ways to tell about fertility are the Basal Body Temperature method where waking body temperatures are charted each morning and compared to show when ovulation has occured. The highest temperature recorded in a cycle is when the female is most fertile. This method only works to identify fertility after it has past, so it is often used to prevent pregnancy. Another method would be to observe cervical fluid. This fluid is different from arousal fluid in many ways. It is produced from the cervix and often is the main liquid transport system for sperm in the vagina. The fluid will vary in consistancy, color, and taste and by identifying the fluid, it can help in monitoring fertility. At a woman's most fertile time, the fluid is clear, almost tasteless, and as the consistancy of egg whites. It is really thick, stretchy. In a woman's most unfertile times, she will be dry, or have a crumbly, yellow or milky fluid that usually tastes sour. The last common way to monitor fertility is by the positioning of the cervix.

Birth control and hormones are ways to regulate the reproductive system artificially. By using birth control that contains hormones, the body's natural hormones are overridden and the synthetic hormones regulate the body's cycle. Commercial birth control usually use a 28 day cycle and give the girl a week of placebos that allow the uterine lining to shed and she will experience a "period" without shedding a fertilized egg. Most commercial birth control pills, if not all, are doses of progesterone, estrogen, or both and prevent the body from fertilizing eggs and releasing them. Emergency contraceptives are larger doses of birth control pills and often cause some or all of the following: it stops the body from fertilizing an egg, or thins the uterine lining and prevents the fertilized embryo from attaching to the uterus wall.

Back to story:

So that was pretty much it. We've been using barrier contraceptives more and more often (read every time now) (and by barrier contraceptives, I mean male condoms). It's a lot cleaner (no run-off down my leg), and a lot easier to pack up. Ooh! So the other day, I had my first bout of sex while under the influence. It was interesting: we were both super difficult. It took ME forever to get to any semblance of release myself. Yeah, that's pretty much the run-down of my sex life...Just this is it times maybe 5 on my side of the computer screen.

-Breathless
Scarlet Bloodmoon

15 hours

It's kind of boring being on the computer when I'm fifteen hours ahead of everyone else I would talk to. Facebook is incredibly slow at night because it is 5 in the morning and everyone has just fallen asleep. The people I would want to talk to are also in bed, and there is nothing to do because everything is just as it was when I refresh things. So when I'm doing things in the day, it'd be the optimal time to talk to people. Late at night, the people I don't talk to are seeded out due to the late hour, and the people I'm fine with talking to are still up. Things are still buzzing on the internets I monitor. When I come home, no one is awake. Nothing is happening. The waters are silent.

My trip has been great. I've been super emotional, seen people I can hardly remember and those I remember clearly. I've heard so many stories and flipped through so many memories...We haven't gone anywhere dreadfully exciting, nor have I seen anything so shocking I am now scarred for life. Everything is just...normal but different.

I am becoming more girly. Maybe it's because I'm further away, or because I'm becoming a newer person, or something entirely else, but my aunt has said I'm becoming more of a Taiwanese girl. My style is slowly fading into that of those around me. I've fully realized I am an adult. We were out for dinner one night with family and family's family. This little girl of maybe 5 from the extended family was playing around the front of the restaurant with her brother of like 1.5 after the meal and I was sent to watch them because I was falling asleep anyways. She called my the equivalent of miss that most would use for adults. Like, she didn't call me Sister like every teen girl introduces themselves as, but Miss. I hesitated a bit in my mind. Wait...do I qualify to be called Miss? When did this happen? Is that the correct term? Holy fuck.

Also, it would seem everyone is out to marry me off. It started when we went to my great aunt's. She had asked how old I was and after hearing the response, said that I should be marrying soon. Then, we went to the Air Force Academy where my aunt's sister-in-law tries to match me with her Australian step son and says that Australian guys are very good at listening to what their women want and are very interested in Asian girls. Mental chuckle. After that, about half a week later, we go to this ancient temple that has been there about 400 years and we pass by the shrine the the minor deity responsible for marriage and all of the stuff before that. My mom urges me to go and pray and take the steps required for such. Wait...No! I don't want to be married yet, and I definitely don't want to be set up with a 26 year old engineer in Australia that I've never spoken to...

People...

So pretty much, while I have been here, it's been a lot of talking to people, going out to eat, walking to places, using the public transportation system, and sightseeing. I'm just really glad I've gotten this opportunity to come back and see these people; especially since the last time I came back was for one of my uncles' wedding and that was twelve years ago! Fun stuff.

-Someone should talk to me...
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Technology Blurb

So, the integration of technology has become impressive. People now can sms blog posts straight to their websites. No longer do people have to be on a laptop or computer to connect to people around the world. How cool is that?