“’Cause you’re the angel in my hell.”
I had to steal it…it was too…fitting? No. Poetic maybe? Well, whatever it was, I just needed it. So I got back from Maryland/DC on Thursday the 19th. I fell asleep shortly after getting home, taking time to greet family. By the way, I didn’t hug my brothers like I said I would…I definitely forgot until the day after. The first thing I did when I woke up, I got online. After that, I started writing…everything I did that I shouldn’t tell other people…secrets that are better unspoken. It was probably a bad idea to hard copy something like that, but I really wanted to look back in years and smile…I know I read over some of the stuff I had written in the journal last year and I laughed and it was just in general good for me to read through all of this stuff…to realize just how much I’ve grown or changed.
Really bad case of fantasizing…and wanting what I can’t have. I’m confused as to why I have to be like this. Why can’t I be a normal person and know when to move on? I guess as long as I keep telling myself that it will all work out in the end and all, I’ll have some fodder for keeping me amused and happy until it all falls apart or I forget all about it. I constantly try to justify things to myself that while it makes sense to me, I should think would never work. I don’t even know why this jumble of emotions and series of events happen to me…It’s just…I guess I never learned to move on. I can’t. Physically incapable. I still remember things about the small crushes I’ve had since the first grade. I found one of my crushes from the third grade online…I actually googled his name…
Speaking of Google, I tend to like to google my alias, see how much I’ve owned this identity. I’m silly, no?
The tiny things remind me of him. I realize I’m not over him, that the last time, I just kind of shoved all the feelings and such under a huge rug and pretended it wasn’t there. I’d catch myself watching him or trying to get closer, but I’d be in charge and I’d stop myself. This time, it’s gone too far. I’ve lost control. I’m actively trying, but it’s no use. I take any excuse to be able to talk to him…and even though it’s bad for me, I still do it. I still think about the past, I still remember every memory…I’m still here, living in the past and trying desperately to piece together a fantasy world that I shouldn’t be creating. I’m still trying. Why can’t I have an epiphany like I did all those other times that makes me realize that I can still be happy without all of this self-induced emotional abuse?
And, as I’m writing all of this, I still wonder if you’ll come back and read my blog. I still wonder if you’re tempted to read the old conversations we’ve had or if you’re tempted to read that journal. I wonder a lot, don’t I?
Rather short blog this time. A page in Word. That’s okay. Nothing really new. Just found out that I’m shameless on the internet. Eh.
-I've Never Been Perfect, I'd be Lying if I Said "But Neither Have You"Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title from: Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park
1 comment:
Of course [we] do, yo.
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