Thinking of You

December 16th

Today would make it four months. A week from my birthday, the last full day of school in the 2008 year, and I got to spend two hours sleeping with him.

December 22nd - 11:48 pm

12 more minutes. I'm so excited. It took so long to get here, but looking back on it, I wouldn't want to change any part of getting to where I am. I've learned so much from all the shit and crap I've pulled through, put people through, thought and wanted. I've learned so much from all the people I've been with, talked to, met and never saw again. So, listening to the radio at almost 12, I guess it started a chain of thoughts: I've been worse, but I've probably never been better. I've had crappy experiences, but I've probably never been so happy. I'm better here.

People on the radio admitted a song made them think of their ex. They played the song. It didn't make me think of an ex. Tch. They aren't very noteworthy anymore. I was amazed. Really? There used to be times where I was so afraid that one day, I'd slip up and accidentally call out the wrong name. There were times where I convinced myself that I was so used to one thing that it was bound to happen eventually. Something changed. Maybe it was the day where I was laying in bed just pondering. Maybe it was the flutter of my heart when I silently called his name. Maybe it was the flutter that survived four months: longer than the flutter I felt last time. Maybe it just because I finally matured enough to realize I'm better than dragging a ball and chain, dragging emotional baggage that was long dead. I'm done. I'm finished with all of this stuff. I'm better than I was and I'm glad I had a chance to become a better person.

I'm so happy. I know it's probably ridiculous to plan on anything outside of immediate future, or to even want it, but I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to be this happy for the rest of my life, and I want to just live the rest of my life with this amount of love and emotion. It's been an amazing 4 months. It'll be an amazing lifetime.

-It's a world where everything is perfect and nothing you do can ever hurt me
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title from: Thinking of You by Katy Perry