Spin my faster, spin me harder. You are my downfall.
It finally happened. We were caught. Is it horrible that the only real thing I was thinking about while they were trying to explain how hurt they were or how disappointed they were or how I was an ungrateful bitch, was that they should have parented better, listened better, and known just how much he had given up on religion and its rules. I lied so much tonight...Blatantly and shamelessly lied, and I have yet to cry. The only thing I regret, is screwing his life up more than he needed it to be.
He told me he loved me more than anything...twice. Once directly afterwards, and once again after I got home. I know that he loves me and I know it's not just some fluff that means nothing. And while I may be just a child and incapable of realizing what love really is (because I totally got that all jammed down my throat: we shouldn't be having sex because we don't know the true value of it. My ass. I know what love is and I know damn well that every ounce of devotion and care we invest in each other isn't just so we can continue having sex), I know that I love him too and that it's going to be really hard ending this relationship when we eventually have to.
The most pathetic thing that happened: his parents don't know dates at all. Maybe they were never filled in on the fact that we stopped dating for a month and maybe they never really got that we're more creative than they think we are, but their dates never matched up with what I had and they constantly argued over who had the right date between the two of them. Apparently, while I was still in Europe and totally single, his dad decided that we've gotten too close and needed to end the relationship. Yeah...they just sucked with dates.
So, for most of the night, mild acceptance of being royally screwed and quiet contemplation over how I was beyond this tangle of broken expectation -- I had already moved myself to planning to destroy every single request they had asked of me. Of course I was going to see him outside of school and of course I was still going to go about the same as I always did.
All through it, I stayed quiet. I wanted to make points, to interject, and to ruin their ideal son over and over again. I wanted to tell them that neither of us had been our firsts, and that their perfect little mormon son stopped being mormon years ago. I wanted to tell them off and make them realize how horrible of parents they were...but he still had to deal with them after I left and he deserved to do it himself.
I think at one point or another, I started shaking and just couldn't stop. A whole ton of stress and panic coupled with the annoyance of calling everyone I could think of that would drive me home, and I couldn't stop moving and shaking. And I think the only point where I was close to tears was when she brought up when we first started getting really close, before we ever started dating. Wouldn't it be an adventure to go back to when that had happened, to be able to try every different possibility knowing what I know now? Wouldn't it be exciting to know that I didn't need to depend on other people and live for solely myself and not need to prove anything? Wouldn't it be exciting to see where we would be if I hadn't been a cold-hearted bitch in June? Thousands of thoughts bubbled and collided with everything else. Most of the thoughts melded into a huge "I'm sorry for screwing up so badly and for putting you through this hell with me" while others were formed into bubbles of annoyance and mild distaste as I realized again and again that I would be happy if I never had to talk to his parents again.
The most hateful and horrible thoughts started forming: I would make a better mother because instead of focussing on making my child succeed where I obviously failed, I will actively devote my life to support and nurture them. The world and all of it's facets are theirs to explore while I'm nothing more than an old warning against my regrets and mistakes. I would make a better mother because I'm not like you and there is nothing in the world that would make me force my children into things or ignore their very obvious "rebellions" against what I wished they would do. I would be a better mother because I am me.
I'm so thankful that I've never had to grow up with a religion or harsh set of rules. I'm glad that I've never had to pretend and change for some community I had no interest in. I'm grateful for my childhood, my life, and my family. I'm happy with my life, my friends, and everything I've been able to have, do, and love.
-It's not a pain, more like a flutter
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I Think I Know What I Live For Now
All through my life, I've always wanted to do something, accomplish something that I can look back on and know I've done something right or that I've changed the world in some little way. For all of my life, I just wanted to be an angel to someone...to know that someone loves me just that much. As high school came around, I've wanted to change the world even more, to be someone's angel. I've wanted to leave a little mark on the world. The past few days...I think I got what I wanted: I think I've become an angel.
Sunday, James and I left for Vegas. We got lost a little, found our way, drove a lot, laughed, talked, and had an amazing trip up there. We arrived at around ten that evening, went down to the strip and walked. Five hours later, we were in a hotel room and quickly fell asleep. We were planning on leaving that morning, but the car wouldn't start, so we walked to an Auto Zone, got starter fluid, started the car, drove to the strip, and walked some more. After dinner, when we were leaving, the car broke down about a mile from where we had stayed the night. Nothing we did could start the car. Defeated, we retreated back into the car. He was stressed as hell and more or less a wreck. At one point, I turned to him, shrugged and smiled. "You have no idea what you did there," he said, "you just saved my life."
"What?" There is no way he just said that...
"You just saved my life."
Fuck. More or less fully relieved, but still totally freaked out now. He reached over to lock the doors and reclined back in the seat.
After a bit of wondering what we could do, he called people for advice, and found out he had relatives in Vegas. Wow, that was convenient. As we waited for them to come meet us...it was definitely fun. We stayed the night with them while the car was towed into an auto shop and I seriously hope that by now, they know what is wrong with the car.
I've never felt so special...I've never had someone tell me I saved their life, I've never had anyone need me like that. I've never been so amazed at how a simple thing could make such an impact. I've never been so important to someone.
-Becoming a better person, one step at a time
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Sunday, James and I left for Vegas. We got lost a little, found our way, drove a lot, laughed, talked, and had an amazing trip up there. We arrived at around ten that evening, went down to the strip and walked. Five hours later, we were in a hotel room and quickly fell asleep. We were planning on leaving that morning, but the car wouldn't start, so we walked to an Auto Zone, got starter fluid, started the car, drove to the strip, and walked some more. After dinner, when we were leaving, the car broke down about a mile from where we had stayed the night. Nothing we did could start the car. Defeated, we retreated back into the car. He was stressed as hell and more or less a wreck. At one point, I turned to him, shrugged and smiled. "You have no idea what you did there," he said, "you just saved my life."
"What?" There is no way he just said that...
"You just saved my life."
Fuck. More or less fully relieved, but still totally freaked out now. He reached over to lock the doors and reclined back in the seat.
After a bit of wondering what we could do, he called people for advice, and found out he had relatives in Vegas. Wow, that was convenient. As we waited for them to come meet us...it was definitely fun. We stayed the night with them while the car was towed into an auto shop and I seriously hope that by now, they know what is wrong with the car.
I've never felt so special...I've never had someone tell me I saved their life, I've never had anyone need me like that. I've never been so amazed at how a simple thing could make such an impact. I've never been so important to someone.
-Becoming a better person, one step at a time
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I Watched the Proverbial Sunrise
I can't get into a relationship just for fun...I know that these things aren't permanent...and I don't get so picky. I mean, if my next relationship would be the one I had to stick with for the rest of my life, I'd actually be picky...I'd actually analyze, follow, and get to know this person to the fullest extent. I wouldn't be playing for challenges...I'd be playing for real...but life isn't like that and no matter what, I will still be playing for challenges. I will still revolve my life around these games I love so much.
Written in June, I was reading over this before something clicked. After talking everything out with James the other day, he asked if we had stayed friends instead of getting into a relationship the first time, would we have a relationship today. Would we have talked about as much as we did when I was in Europe? He thought so. Then yes. He asked if that was what really brought back the relationship, if he was the only person I really talked to. Yes and no. The amounts of talking didn't do it, it was getting to know him. It was realizing that I had played for the challenge the first time, and finding that he was perfect if I wanted to play for real.
That totally means that I've matured enough to consider things for real! That totally means that I'm no longer playing to maintain a pattern or to prove a point, I'm doing this for real. This time, it's real. I'm glad I'm changing. I know it's for the better and I'm glad that I'm finally becoming someone better than who I've been. Let's hope I'm never foolish enough to play for challenges anymore.
-My Life is Perfect
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title from: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Relient K
Written in June, I was reading over this before something clicked. After talking everything out with James the other day, he asked if we had stayed friends instead of getting into a relationship the first time, would we have a relationship today. Would we have talked about as much as we did when I was in Europe? He thought so. Then yes. He asked if that was what really brought back the relationship, if he was the only person I really talked to. Yes and no. The amounts of talking didn't do it, it was getting to know him. It was realizing that I had played for the challenge the first time, and finding that he was perfect if I wanted to play for real.
That totally means that I've matured enough to consider things for real! That totally means that I'm no longer playing to maintain a pattern or to prove a point, I'm doing this for real. This time, it's real. I'm glad I'm changing. I know it's for the better and I'm glad that I'm finally becoming someone better than who I've been. Let's hope I'm never foolish enough to play for challenges anymore.
-My Life is Perfect
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title from: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Relient K
Saturday, October 4, 2008
It's October!
And normally, at the end of the month/start of the new month, I'd post something drabble with the password I've been using all month long as the title. Well, that was Imaginary...It was early, but it fit. The really sad thing is, my laptop charger committed hari kari and so I'm not using my laptop, which means I'm not changing the password, which means I am late! Sad face. September was amusing...lots of things happened and I got in so much trouble!
I don't know how September really started...well, the end of August was pretty silly. About a week into September, totally had sex everyday for a week. It was interesting. Was it towards the end of that week that I had finally died? What else happened? Seen more dry ice in the past month than I've probably ever seen in my life, had more sex than I've had in my life, been more honest than I've been in awhile, been more honest than I've been in any other relationship, been more open, been better in general. Oh, and I finally moved on. That was great.
So I told James I cheated on him. It was like 2 this morning and I've been really happy about it since. I mean, I had already told Bella most of the story, so it's not like it was still uber secret or something, and it was the right thing to do. I've been thinking about telling him for a month now, wondering when the right time would be. I'm so glad I can be honest and that I've matured enough to be a decent human being. It's so silly, he's the one person I am the most honest with...Screw storybook, fairytale love: this is what love is.
Homecoming was fun. Totally went to Walmart and Panda Express dressed up and then headed off to Dillard's just because. We wandered to Best Buy and eventually headed to school. I totally have to say that this year and Junior year are pretty much tied. The only thing that could have make junior year better was the fact that there were more people that I actually spent time with? And more people glowsticked at that one. And in retrospect, my relationship with my date hasn't deteriorated yet, so I guess that makes this year much more fun. And the really cool thing was, I made it home in time!
There hasn't been much going on. I guess in the past week, I've pretty much seen James like everyday and definitely talk to him online a whole ton. The main difference between this time and the last time we were dating is a whole ton more communication and a solid knowledge of how much I'm not corrupting him? Or maybe it's the fact that I'm totally over Cale now? I don't really care what it is now, and it's probably a whole conglomerate of all the things that changed between us, but I'm glad we had this chance to try again.
Well, my life has been epic for the past month and however many weeks. I only hope Karma won't be a bitch and take it all away from me...
-Always and Forever
Scarlet Bloodmoon
I don't know how September really started...well, the end of August was pretty silly. About a week into September, totally had sex everyday for a week. It was interesting. Was it towards the end of that week that I had finally died? What else happened? Seen more dry ice in the past month than I've probably ever seen in my life, had more sex than I've had in my life, been more honest than I've been in awhile, been more honest than I've been in any other relationship, been more open, been better in general. Oh, and I finally moved on. That was great.
So I told James I cheated on him. It was like 2 this morning and I've been really happy about it since. I mean, I had already told Bella most of the story, so it's not like it was still uber secret or something, and it was the right thing to do. I've been thinking about telling him for a month now, wondering when the right time would be. I'm so glad I can be honest and that I've matured enough to be a decent human being. It's so silly, he's the one person I am the most honest with...Screw storybook, fairytale love: this is what love is.
Homecoming was fun. Totally went to Walmart and Panda Express dressed up and then headed off to Dillard's just because. We wandered to Best Buy and eventually headed to school. I totally have to say that this year and Junior year are pretty much tied. The only thing that could have make junior year better was the fact that there were more people that I actually spent time with? And more people glowsticked at that one. And in retrospect, my relationship with my date hasn't deteriorated yet, so I guess that makes this year much more fun. And the really cool thing was, I made it home in time!
There hasn't been much going on. I guess in the past week, I've pretty much seen James like everyday and definitely talk to him online a whole ton. The main difference between this time and the last time we were dating is a whole ton more communication and a solid knowledge of how much I'm not corrupting him? Or maybe it's the fact that I'm totally over Cale now? I don't really care what it is now, and it's probably a whole conglomerate of all the things that changed between us, but I'm glad we had this chance to try again.
Well, my life has been epic for the past month and however many weeks. I only hope Karma won't be a bitch and take it all away from me...
-Always and Forever
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
And A Year Ago, I Would Have Called Me Crazy
I can't stop counting. It's been about a year since the last time my earth shook from the ground up and came tumbling down upon me. It's been about a year since my longest relationship ended and seriously, I can't believe I never moved on quickly enough...I can't believe no one slapped me around until I realized it...I can't believe I wasted so much time...and I can't believe how irresponsible and immature we both were about it.
The only bit I'm allowing myself is that there was never really any closure...or I lied to myself about it and hid it all. A conclusion wasn't reached until June and it wasn't until August that it all stopped bothering me. 10 months after meltdown, it wasn't a big deal anymore...If only that were like 9.75 months shorter!
I guess the whole point of this post was to acknowledge that it's about a year tomorrow...or really close, but it doesn't matter to me anymore...ME the person who loves counting down and making milestones out of nothing! It feels so cool. Of course, I didn't make it out alone.
I'm so lucky I have the friends I do, have the people who love me love me like they do, have the people who secretly want me keep that a secret. I'm lucky I have a place to go to if I need to, a place to hide if I need to, a place to tear away all the masks if I need to. I'm so glad I could be who I am with the people around me, and that I could hide if I truly needed to. I love that I'm so secure right now.
So, it was fun when it lasted, we had a good run, and seriously, I nothing you. I feel nothing for you anymore. There is no hate, no love, no devotion, no respect, no anger, no annoyance, nothing. You are neutral and until something amazing happens and you awe me, there will be nothing from me. I'm done with everything about you: Goodbye.
-Like a snake sheds her skin
Scarlet Bloodmoon
The only bit I'm allowing myself is that there was never really any closure...or I lied to myself about it and hid it all. A conclusion wasn't reached until June and it wasn't until August that it all stopped bothering me. 10 months after meltdown, it wasn't a big deal anymore...If only that were like 9.75 months shorter!
I guess the whole point of this post was to acknowledge that it's about a year tomorrow...or really close, but it doesn't matter to me anymore...ME the person who loves counting down and making milestones out of nothing! It feels so cool. Of course, I didn't make it out alone.
I'm so lucky I have the friends I do, have the people who love me love me like they do, have the people who secretly want me keep that a secret. I'm lucky I have a place to go to if I need to, a place to hide if I need to, a place to tear away all the masks if I need to. I'm so glad I could be who I am with the people around me, and that I could hide if I truly needed to. I love that I'm so secure right now.
So, it was fun when it lasted, we had a good run, and seriously, I nothing you. I feel nothing for you anymore. There is no hate, no love, no devotion, no respect, no anger, no annoyance, nothing. You are neutral and until something amazing happens and you awe me, there will be nothing from me. I'm done with everything about you: Goodbye.
-Like a snake sheds her skin
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Imaginary
The only realm in which you care.
So a little birdie told me that you brain wash and discourage people from getting to know me. Apparently, it almost worked for the birdie, until we started talking and getting to know each other. I seriously think you blew everything out of proportion. Maybe I'm belittling everything you blew out of proportion, but really? I'm a crazy stalker chick? I would yell at you for no reason at all? I'm sorry you have to feel that way to justify the amount of poison you've spoon-fed the blank minds of those around you.
And seriously, if there are people who will take only your side because you got to them first and you've had little heart-to-heart chats with them where I haven't, I don't need them and I don't need to build connections with them. In fact, I'm glad that someone told me this and decided to become my friend. I'm glad someone told me this and said you were just spouting bullshit.
If you seriously want to divide the school, have fun. I'm not playing any part in this warfare, I'm not changing the way I act or feel just because you're trying to isolate me. In fact, I know people go to you for advice, but do you really have to be so petty and advise them against knowing me?
Oh, I think people still think I hate them, even after I've told you time and time again that I don't hate them, and only resent them for stealing every single one of my victories freshman year. I truly believe that you're not telling people things and conveniently leaving out things so that they will isolate me and feed you this sympathy and respect for "dealing" with everything I put you through.
Thank you for destroying my chances of establishing connections with potentially successful people out of spite. You might not do it anymore, or you might still assassinate my character, but thank you so much for being a coward and never confronting me about any of it after the thousands of chances you've been given. Thank you for showing me that you really aren't worth the amount of time I try to invest in you. Thank you for making me regret actions I've decided not to regret and thank you for ruining how I see myself.
Through all of this, I'm only sorry I screwed over someone else all because of you
-Scarlet Bloodmoon
So a little birdie told me that you brain wash and discourage people from getting to know me. Apparently, it almost worked for the birdie, until we started talking and getting to know each other. I seriously think you blew everything out of proportion. Maybe I'm belittling everything you blew out of proportion, but really? I'm a crazy stalker chick? I would yell at you for no reason at all? I'm sorry you have to feel that way to justify the amount of poison you've spoon-fed the blank minds of those around you.
And seriously, if there are people who will take only your side because you got to them first and you've had little heart-to-heart chats with them where I haven't, I don't need them and I don't need to build connections with them. In fact, I'm glad that someone told me this and decided to become my friend. I'm glad someone told me this and said you were just spouting bullshit.
If you seriously want to divide the school, have fun. I'm not playing any part in this warfare, I'm not changing the way I act or feel just because you're trying to isolate me. In fact, I know people go to you for advice, but do you really have to be so petty and advise them against knowing me?
Oh, I think people still think I hate them, even after I've told you time and time again that I don't hate them, and only resent them for stealing every single one of my victories freshman year. I truly believe that you're not telling people things and conveniently leaving out things so that they will isolate me and feed you this sympathy and respect for "dealing" with everything I put you through.
Thank you for destroying my chances of establishing connections with potentially successful people out of spite. You might not do it anymore, or you might still assassinate my character, but thank you so much for being a coward and never confronting me about any of it after the thousands of chances you've been given. Thank you for showing me that you really aren't worth the amount of time I try to invest in you. Thank you for making me regret actions I've decided not to regret and thank you for ruining how I see myself.
Through all of this, I'm only sorry I screwed over someone else all because of you
-Scarlet Bloodmoon
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Euphoria
And it's so totally late, but it fits better today than it does 16 days ago.
Today is a month. It doesn't feel like it...but it is. I've done things I've promised myself I wouldn't do, I've done things that I can't regret, and I've done things that make me feel amazing...in a harmless way. I see things differently now, I see things from so many different planes that it's not even funny anymore. Sex is no longer just sex, but has this mesh of different meanings and trials that you can't even feel, but are breached every time...But that's what's so much fun about it: it's almost impossible to fail.
It feels amazing to be typing this...but I'm tired, so I'm out.
-I can still feel your soft caress
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Today is a month. It doesn't feel like it...but it is. I've done things I've promised myself I wouldn't do, I've done things that I can't regret, and I've done things that make me feel amazing...in a harmless way. I see things differently now, I see things from so many different planes that it's not even funny anymore. Sex is no longer just sex, but has this mesh of different meanings and trials that you can't even feel, but are breached every time...But that's what's so much fun about it: it's almost impossible to fail.
It feels amazing to be typing this...but I'm tired, so I'm out.
-I can still feel your soft caress
Scarlet Bloodmoon
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