Standing amongst a crowd of maybe two thousand as they all shouted and counted down, I waited. There was nothing really to wait for, the coming of a new year, the going of the old. As the crowd shouted "Happy New Year!" I choked back a sob. Why was it that in a huge crowd of people, I had never felt more lonely in my life? I couldn't concentrate on anything else to distract me, it just... 20 seconds from midnight, the crowd started counting; few people at first. Around 15 seconds, the crowd got more into it. I joined in. 13, 12, I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't speak, wouldn't trust my voice. I watched. What was it? Why was it?
December has been amazing. Umm...the first thing that comes to mind is my birthday. Around lunch ish, James took me out to a park and we had a picnic. After packing up most of the things, he slipped in mud, and we decided that he was basically hopeless without me. We fed ducks. After that, we went to book stores, wandered and eventually went home.
Umm...smoked cigarettes for the first time in my life. It was interesting...I guess. The weird thing is my mom says I am the type of person to get addicted easily. I've never really been addicted to anything, except maybe the endorphins from being with people or doing things with people. What else did I do? Nothing really...I guess I don 't do much outside of normal routine, eh?
-Possess me, Control me, Destroy me
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Thinking of You
December 16th
Today would make it four months. A week from my birthday, the last full day of school in the 2008 year, and I got to spend two hours sleeping with him.
December 22nd - 11:48 pm
12 more minutes. I'm so excited. It took so long to get here, but looking back on it, I wouldn't want to change any part of getting to where I am. I've learned so much from all the shit and crap I've pulled through, put people through, thought and wanted. I've learned so much from all the people I've been with, talked to, met and never saw again. So, listening to the radio at almost 12, I guess it started a chain of thoughts: I've been worse, but I've probably never been better. I've had crappy experiences, but I've probably never been so happy. I'm better here.
People on the radio admitted a song made them think of their ex. They played the song. It didn't make me think of an ex. Tch. They aren't very noteworthy anymore. I was amazed. Really? There used to be times where I was so afraid that one day, I'd slip up and accidentally call out the wrong name. There were times where I convinced myself that I was so used to one thing that it was bound to happen eventually. Something changed. Maybe it was the day where I was laying in bed just pondering. Maybe it was the flutter of my heart when I silently called his name. Maybe it was the flutter that survived four months: longer than the flutter I felt last time. Maybe it just because I finally matured enough to realize I'm better than dragging a ball and chain, dragging emotional baggage that was long dead. I'm done. I'm finished with all of this stuff. I'm better than I was and I'm glad I had a chance to become a better person.
I'm so happy. I know it's probably ridiculous to plan on anything outside of immediate future, or to even want it, but I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to be this happy for the rest of my life, and I want to just live the rest of my life with this amount of love and emotion. It's been an amazing 4 months. It'll be an amazing lifetime.
-It's a world where everything is perfect and nothing you do can ever hurt me
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title from: Thinking of You by Katy Perry
Today would make it four months. A week from my birthday, the last full day of school in the 2008 year, and I got to spend two hours sleeping with him.
December 22nd - 11:48 pm
12 more minutes. I'm so excited. It took so long to get here, but looking back on it, I wouldn't want to change any part of getting to where I am. I've learned so much from all the shit and crap I've pulled through, put people through, thought and wanted. I've learned so much from all the people I've been with, talked to, met and never saw again. So, listening to the radio at almost 12, I guess it started a chain of thoughts: I've been worse, but I've probably never been better. I've had crappy experiences, but I've probably never been so happy. I'm better here.
People on the radio admitted a song made them think of their ex. They played the song. It didn't make me think of an ex. Tch. They aren't very noteworthy anymore. I was amazed. Really? There used to be times where I was so afraid that one day, I'd slip up and accidentally call out the wrong name. There were times where I convinced myself that I was so used to one thing that it was bound to happen eventually. Something changed. Maybe it was the day where I was laying in bed just pondering. Maybe it was the flutter of my heart when I silently called his name. Maybe it was the flutter that survived four months: longer than the flutter I felt last time. Maybe it just because I finally matured enough to realize I'm better than dragging a ball and chain, dragging emotional baggage that was long dead. I'm done. I'm finished with all of this stuff. I'm better than I was and I'm glad I had a chance to become a better person.
I'm so happy. I know it's probably ridiculous to plan on anything outside of immediate future, or to even want it, but I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to be this happy for the rest of my life, and I want to just live the rest of my life with this amount of love and emotion. It's been an amazing 4 months. It'll be an amazing lifetime.
-It's a world where everything is perfect and nothing you do can ever hurt me
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title from: Thinking of You by Katy Perry
Monday, December 1, 2008
Dystopia
Nothing much for the month of November. Umm...Drama, giving up on high school, Jeremy dropped out, learned more about abortion and abortion laws than any other teenager, cried and was all sad face as every single gay-rights proposition was voted in favor of the heterosexual, and figured out how much my mom really loves me. I have a bit over three weeks until I'm legal and I'm excited. Seriously. I've had a huge craving for unsweetened iced tea recently...it's been weird.
I don't know. It's been uneventful. Today is a one-month-anniversary for something none of us thought would really happen, and I've started a secret competition and will try to one-up the male. James and I think I have a better chance of having sex with the female than the male ever does. I guess, in that new-couple way, they're cute...but a month later, you can definitely tell that the relationship is kind of straining. She spends more time with us than him...
Bella's in a new relationship. While everyone thinks he's like another Otter, he's more mature than Otter ever will be. Eh, I'm not a very good judge of character, but James thinks that this new one is just as immature...Might not leave her in favor of video games, but not worth settling down with. Ex-druggie smoker apparently.
It's been more than three months since I've touched weed. I kind of want to do it again, because seriously, I'm done worrying and caring...but I don't want to find someone to get it from. I'm also dirt poor, so I'm not seeing how this will work out. Eh, something will wok out.
Jeremy's been harshly critical of everything I've done and how I choose to do stuff. It doesn't matter that he's a hypocrit or that he is seriously worse off than I am, no. It only matters that I'm not perfect and that since he's the one pointing blame, I'm the one with all the fault. I'm the one that's fucked up because I still go to school and choose to take personal days to get over things.
Neh. So my licence is suspended until Christmas...and since that epic sucks and I can't do anything about it, I'm going to stop worrying about it for a bit and then go do that when I can. Fuck the system and their couches, I will be on the road one day, and I will fucking love it.
-Just one shot. Just one prick. Then it's all over
Scarlet Bloodmoon
I don't know. It's been uneventful. Today is a one-month-anniversary for something none of us thought would really happen, and I've started a secret competition and will try to one-up the male. James and I think I have a better chance of having sex with the female than the male ever does. I guess, in that new-couple way, they're cute...but a month later, you can definitely tell that the relationship is kind of straining. She spends more time with us than him...
Bella's in a new relationship. While everyone thinks he's like another Otter, he's more mature than Otter ever will be. Eh, I'm not a very good judge of character, but James thinks that this new one is just as immature...Might not leave her in favor of video games, but not worth settling down with. Ex-druggie smoker apparently.
It's been more than three months since I've touched weed. I kind of want to do it again, because seriously, I'm done worrying and caring...but I don't want to find someone to get it from. I'm also dirt poor, so I'm not seeing how this will work out. Eh, something will wok out.
Jeremy's been harshly critical of everything I've done and how I choose to do stuff. It doesn't matter that he's a hypocrit or that he is seriously worse off than I am, no. It only matters that I'm not perfect and that since he's the one pointing blame, I'm the one with all the fault. I'm the one that's fucked up because I still go to school and choose to take personal days to get over things.
Neh. So my licence is suspended until Christmas...and since that epic sucks and I can't do anything about it, I'm going to stop worrying about it for a bit and then go do that when I can. Fuck the system and their couches, I will be on the road one day, and I will fucking love it.
-Just one shot. Just one prick. Then it's all over
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Hamartia
Spin my faster, spin me harder. You are my downfall.
It finally happened. We were caught. Is it horrible that the only real thing I was thinking about while they were trying to explain how hurt they were or how disappointed they were or how I was an ungrateful bitch, was that they should have parented better, listened better, and known just how much he had given up on religion and its rules. I lied so much tonight...Blatantly and shamelessly lied, and I have yet to cry. The only thing I regret, is screwing his life up more than he needed it to be.
He told me he loved me more than anything...twice. Once directly afterwards, and once again after I got home. I know that he loves me and I know it's not just some fluff that means nothing. And while I may be just a child and incapable of realizing what love really is (because I totally got that all jammed down my throat: we shouldn't be having sex because we don't know the true value of it. My ass. I know what love is and I know damn well that every ounce of devotion and care we invest in each other isn't just so we can continue having sex), I know that I love him too and that it's going to be really hard ending this relationship when we eventually have to.
The most pathetic thing that happened: his parents don't know dates at all. Maybe they were never filled in on the fact that we stopped dating for a month and maybe they never really got that we're more creative than they think we are, but their dates never matched up with what I had and they constantly argued over who had the right date between the two of them. Apparently, while I was still in Europe and totally single, his dad decided that we've gotten too close and needed to end the relationship. Yeah...they just sucked with dates.
So, for most of the night, mild acceptance of being royally screwed and quiet contemplation over how I was beyond this tangle of broken expectation -- I had already moved myself to planning to destroy every single request they had asked of me. Of course I was going to see him outside of school and of course I was still going to go about the same as I always did.
All through it, I stayed quiet. I wanted to make points, to interject, and to ruin their ideal son over and over again. I wanted to tell them that neither of us had been our firsts, and that their perfect little mormon son stopped being mormon years ago. I wanted to tell them off and make them realize how horrible of parents they were...but he still had to deal with them after I left and he deserved to do it himself.
I think at one point or another, I started shaking and just couldn't stop. A whole ton of stress and panic coupled with the annoyance of calling everyone I could think of that would drive me home, and I couldn't stop moving and shaking. And I think the only point where I was close to tears was when she brought up when we first started getting really close, before we ever started dating. Wouldn't it be an adventure to go back to when that had happened, to be able to try every different possibility knowing what I know now? Wouldn't it be exciting to know that I didn't need to depend on other people and live for solely myself and not need to prove anything? Wouldn't it be exciting to see where we would be if I hadn't been a cold-hearted bitch in June? Thousands of thoughts bubbled and collided with everything else. Most of the thoughts melded into a huge "I'm sorry for screwing up so badly and for putting you through this hell with me" while others were formed into bubbles of annoyance and mild distaste as I realized again and again that I would be happy if I never had to talk to his parents again.
The most hateful and horrible thoughts started forming: I would make a better mother because instead of focussing on making my child succeed where I obviously failed, I will actively devote my life to support and nurture them. The world and all of it's facets are theirs to explore while I'm nothing more than an old warning against my regrets and mistakes. I would make a better mother because I'm not like you and there is nothing in the world that would make me force my children into things or ignore their very obvious "rebellions" against what I wished they would do. I would be a better mother because I am me.
I'm so thankful that I've never had to grow up with a religion or harsh set of rules. I'm glad that I've never had to pretend and change for some community I had no interest in. I'm grateful for my childhood, my life, and my family. I'm happy with my life, my friends, and everything I've been able to have, do, and love.
-It's not a pain, more like a flutter
Scarlet Bloodmoon
It finally happened. We were caught. Is it horrible that the only real thing I was thinking about while they were trying to explain how hurt they were or how disappointed they were or how I was an ungrateful bitch, was that they should have parented better, listened better, and known just how much he had given up on religion and its rules. I lied so much tonight...Blatantly and shamelessly lied, and I have yet to cry. The only thing I regret, is screwing his life up more than he needed it to be.
He told me he loved me more than anything...twice. Once directly afterwards, and once again after I got home. I know that he loves me and I know it's not just some fluff that means nothing. And while I may be just a child and incapable of realizing what love really is (because I totally got that all jammed down my throat: we shouldn't be having sex because we don't know the true value of it. My ass. I know what love is and I know damn well that every ounce of devotion and care we invest in each other isn't just so we can continue having sex), I know that I love him too and that it's going to be really hard ending this relationship when we eventually have to.
The most pathetic thing that happened: his parents don't know dates at all. Maybe they were never filled in on the fact that we stopped dating for a month and maybe they never really got that we're more creative than they think we are, but their dates never matched up with what I had and they constantly argued over who had the right date between the two of them. Apparently, while I was still in Europe and totally single, his dad decided that we've gotten too close and needed to end the relationship. Yeah...they just sucked with dates.
So, for most of the night, mild acceptance of being royally screwed and quiet contemplation over how I was beyond this tangle of broken expectation -- I had already moved myself to planning to destroy every single request they had asked of me. Of course I was going to see him outside of school and of course I was still going to go about the same as I always did.
All through it, I stayed quiet. I wanted to make points, to interject, and to ruin their ideal son over and over again. I wanted to tell them that neither of us had been our firsts, and that their perfect little mormon son stopped being mormon years ago. I wanted to tell them off and make them realize how horrible of parents they were...but he still had to deal with them after I left and he deserved to do it himself.
I think at one point or another, I started shaking and just couldn't stop. A whole ton of stress and panic coupled with the annoyance of calling everyone I could think of that would drive me home, and I couldn't stop moving and shaking. And I think the only point where I was close to tears was when she brought up when we first started getting really close, before we ever started dating. Wouldn't it be an adventure to go back to when that had happened, to be able to try every different possibility knowing what I know now? Wouldn't it be exciting to know that I didn't need to depend on other people and live for solely myself and not need to prove anything? Wouldn't it be exciting to see where we would be if I hadn't been a cold-hearted bitch in June? Thousands of thoughts bubbled and collided with everything else. Most of the thoughts melded into a huge "I'm sorry for screwing up so badly and for putting you through this hell with me" while others were formed into bubbles of annoyance and mild distaste as I realized again and again that I would be happy if I never had to talk to his parents again.
The most hateful and horrible thoughts started forming: I would make a better mother because instead of focussing on making my child succeed where I obviously failed, I will actively devote my life to support and nurture them. The world and all of it's facets are theirs to explore while I'm nothing more than an old warning against my regrets and mistakes. I would make a better mother because I'm not like you and there is nothing in the world that would make me force my children into things or ignore their very obvious "rebellions" against what I wished they would do. I would be a better mother because I am me.
I'm so thankful that I've never had to grow up with a religion or harsh set of rules. I'm glad that I've never had to pretend and change for some community I had no interest in. I'm grateful for my childhood, my life, and my family. I'm happy with my life, my friends, and everything I've been able to have, do, and love.
-It's not a pain, more like a flutter
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I Think I Know What I Live For Now
All through my life, I've always wanted to do something, accomplish something that I can look back on and know I've done something right or that I've changed the world in some little way. For all of my life, I just wanted to be an angel to someone...to know that someone loves me just that much. As high school came around, I've wanted to change the world even more, to be someone's angel. I've wanted to leave a little mark on the world. The past few days...I think I got what I wanted: I think I've become an angel.
Sunday, James and I left for Vegas. We got lost a little, found our way, drove a lot, laughed, talked, and had an amazing trip up there. We arrived at around ten that evening, went down to the strip and walked. Five hours later, we were in a hotel room and quickly fell asleep. We were planning on leaving that morning, but the car wouldn't start, so we walked to an Auto Zone, got starter fluid, started the car, drove to the strip, and walked some more. After dinner, when we were leaving, the car broke down about a mile from where we had stayed the night. Nothing we did could start the car. Defeated, we retreated back into the car. He was stressed as hell and more or less a wreck. At one point, I turned to him, shrugged and smiled. "You have no idea what you did there," he said, "you just saved my life."
"What?" There is no way he just said that...
"You just saved my life."
Fuck. More or less fully relieved, but still totally freaked out now. He reached over to lock the doors and reclined back in the seat.
After a bit of wondering what we could do, he called people for advice, and found out he had relatives in Vegas. Wow, that was convenient. As we waited for them to come meet us...it was definitely fun. We stayed the night with them while the car was towed into an auto shop and I seriously hope that by now, they know what is wrong with the car.
I've never felt so special...I've never had someone tell me I saved their life, I've never had anyone need me like that. I've never been so amazed at how a simple thing could make such an impact. I've never been so important to someone.
-Becoming a better person, one step at a time
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Sunday, James and I left for Vegas. We got lost a little, found our way, drove a lot, laughed, talked, and had an amazing trip up there. We arrived at around ten that evening, went down to the strip and walked. Five hours later, we were in a hotel room and quickly fell asleep. We were planning on leaving that morning, but the car wouldn't start, so we walked to an Auto Zone, got starter fluid, started the car, drove to the strip, and walked some more. After dinner, when we were leaving, the car broke down about a mile from where we had stayed the night. Nothing we did could start the car. Defeated, we retreated back into the car. He was stressed as hell and more or less a wreck. At one point, I turned to him, shrugged and smiled. "You have no idea what you did there," he said, "you just saved my life."
"What?" There is no way he just said that...
"You just saved my life."
Fuck. More or less fully relieved, but still totally freaked out now. He reached over to lock the doors and reclined back in the seat.
After a bit of wondering what we could do, he called people for advice, and found out he had relatives in Vegas. Wow, that was convenient. As we waited for them to come meet us...it was definitely fun. We stayed the night with them while the car was towed into an auto shop and I seriously hope that by now, they know what is wrong with the car.
I've never felt so special...I've never had someone tell me I saved their life, I've never had anyone need me like that. I've never been so amazed at how a simple thing could make such an impact. I've never been so important to someone.
-Becoming a better person, one step at a time
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I Watched the Proverbial Sunrise
I can't get into a relationship just for fun...I know that these things aren't permanent...and I don't get so picky. I mean, if my next relationship would be the one I had to stick with for the rest of my life, I'd actually be picky...I'd actually analyze, follow, and get to know this person to the fullest extent. I wouldn't be playing for challenges...I'd be playing for real...but life isn't like that and no matter what, I will still be playing for challenges. I will still revolve my life around these games I love so much.
Written in June, I was reading over this before something clicked. After talking everything out with James the other day, he asked if we had stayed friends instead of getting into a relationship the first time, would we have a relationship today. Would we have talked about as much as we did when I was in Europe? He thought so. Then yes. He asked if that was what really brought back the relationship, if he was the only person I really talked to. Yes and no. The amounts of talking didn't do it, it was getting to know him. It was realizing that I had played for the challenge the first time, and finding that he was perfect if I wanted to play for real.
That totally means that I've matured enough to consider things for real! That totally means that I'm no longer playing to maintain a pattern or to prove a point, I'm doing this for real. This time, it's real. I'm glad I'm changing. I know it's for the better and I'm glad that I'm finally becoming someone better than who I've been. Let's hope I'm never foolish enough to play for challenges anymore.
-My Life is Perfect
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title from: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Relient K
Written in June, I was reading over this before something clicked. After talking everything out with James the other day, he asked if we had stayed friends instead of getting into a relationship the first time, would we have a relationship today. Would we have talked about as much as we did when I was in Europe? He thought so. Then yes. He asked if that was what really brought back the relationship, if he was the only person I really talked to. Yes and no. The amounts of talking didn't do it, it was getting to know him. It was realizing that I had played for the challenge the first time, and finding that he was perfect if I wanted to play for real.
That totally means that I've matured enough to consider things for real! That totally means that I'm no longer playing to maintain a pattern or to prove a point, I'm doing this for real. This time, it's real. I'm glad I'm changing. I know it's for the better and I'm glad that I'm finally becoming someone better than who I've been. Let's hope I'm never foolish enough to play for challenges anymore.
-My Life is Perfect
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title from: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Relient K
Saturday, October 4, 2008
It's October!
And normally, at the end of the month/start of the new month, I'd post something drabble with the password I've been using all month long as the title. Well, that was Imaginary...It was early, but it fit. The really sad thing is, my laptop charger committed hari kari and so I'm not using my laptop, which means I'm not changing the password, which means I am late! Sad face. September was amusing...lots of things happened and I got in so much trouble!
I don't know how September really started...well, the end of August was pretty silly. About a week into September, totally had sex everyday for a week. It was interesting. Was it towards the end of that week that I had finally died? What else happened? Seen more dry ice in the past month than I've probably ever seen in my life, had more sex than I've had in my life, been more honest than I've been in awhile, been more honest than I've been in any other relationship, been more open, been better in general. Oh, and I finally moved on. That was great.
So I told James I cheated on him. It was like 2 this morning and I've been really happy about it since. I mean, I had already told Bella most of the story, so it's not like it was still uber secret or something, and it was the right thing to do. I've been thinking about telling him for a month now, wondering when the right time would be. I'm so glad I can be honest and that I've matured enough to be a decent human being. It's so silly, he's the one person I am the most honest with...Screw storybook, fairytale love: this is what love is.
Homecoming was fun. Totally went to Walmart and Panda Express dressed up and then headed off to Dillard's just because. We wandered to Best Buy and eventually headed to school. I totally have to say that this year and Junior year are pretty much tied. The only thing that could have make junior year better was the fact that there were more people that I actually spent time with? And more people glowsticked at that one. And in retrospect, my relationship with my date hasn't deteriorated yet, so I guess that makes this year much more fun. And the really cool thing was, I made it home in time!
There hasn't been much going on. I guess in the past week, I've pretty much seen James like everyday and definitely talk to him online a whole ton. The main difference between this time and the last time we were dating is a whole ton more communication and a solid knowledge of how much I'm not corrupting him? Or maybe it's the fact that I'm totally over Cale now? I don't really care what it is now, and it's probably a whole conglomerate of all the things that changed between us, but I'm glad we had this chance to try again.
Well, my life has been epic for the past month and however many weeks. I only hope Karma won't be a bitch and take it all away from me...
-Always and Forever
Scarlet Bloodmoon
I don't know how September really started...well, the end of August was pretty silly. About a week into September, totally had sex everyday for a week. It was interesting. Was it towards the end of that week that I had finally died? What else happened? Seen more dry ice in the past month than I've probably ever seen in my life, had more sex than I've had in my life, been more honest than I've been in awhile, been more honest than I've been in any other relationship, been more open, been better in general. Oh, and I finally moved on. That was great.
So I told James I cheated on him. It was like 2 this morning and I've been really happy about it since. I mean, I had already told Bella most of the story, so it's not like it was still uber secret or something, and it was the right thing to do. I've been thinking about telling him for a month now, wondering when the right time would be. I'm so glad I can be honest and that I've matured enough to be a decent human being. It's so silly, he's the one person I am the most honest with...Screw storybook, fairytale love: this is what love is.
Homecoming was fun. Totally went to Walmart and Panda Express dressed up and then headed off to Dillard's just because. We wandered to Best Buy and eventually headed to school. I totally have to say that this year and Junior year are pretty much tied. The only thing that could have make junior year better was the fact that there were more people that I actually spent time with? And more people glowsticked at that one. And in retrospect, my relationship with my date hasn't deteriorated yet, so I guess that makes this year much more fun. And the really cool thing was, I made it home in time!
There hasn't been much going on. I guess in the past week, I've pretty much seen James like everyday and definitely talk to him online a whole ton. The main difference between this time and the last time we were dating is a whole ton more communication and a solid knowledge of how much I'm not corrupting him? Or maybe it's the fact that I'm totally over Cale now? I don't really care what it is now, and it's probably a whole conglomerate of all the things that changed between us, but I'm glad we had this chance to try again.
Well, my life has been epic for the past month and however many weeks. I only hope Karma won't be a bitch and take it all away from me...
-Always and Forever
Scarlet Bloodmoon
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