I don't have a god...
So this is the third day and second night in Maryland/Washington DC. The first day, getting to the airport, getting to the hotel, getting to our rooms, I realized that I was having so much fun with these people, that no matter how hard James was going to try to spend time with me, I wouldn't enjoy it as much as the time I spend with my NHD group. Most of these people I barely know. They are people that I know of, have heard things about for all of my schooling around them, but...I had never actually spent real time with any of them outside of class. So, getting here and quickly bonding with the three of the NHD kids and spending even more time hanging out with the three and Cale, I wanted to keep this trip to NHD kids. So, furthering the impending doom of my current relationship, I basically ignored and nonchalantly dodged through every attempt James made of trying to spend time with me. Well, I could have handled that one a bit better, but I didn't care. Basically, out of our five, there were two girls and three boys. We had two rooms, split by gender. The first night, Cale and I left the other three in the boys' room to finish our website or face the dragon-wrath of our teacher and eventually, after I was so frustrated with the whole thing and Cale started getting drowsy, I made him lie down on the couch (pull out bed thing) in our room while I sat on the bed trying to work a little more. Finally, at 2 in the morning he was officially asleep so I pulled the blanket from the bed, spread it over him and went to bed. We woke up a little before 7 and prepared to head off to meet the rest of the entire group. We went to Capitol Hill, the Supreme Court, and the Museum of Indian Americans. After that, we had an impromptu trip to the National Air and Space Museum. It was fun, a lot of walking, and a whole ton of rain on the way back.
Definitely happy about the rain. I had brought an umbrella and ended up lending it away as I enjoyed my trek home through the rain. It was pretty...all the green soaked in tiny drops of water, the slightest movement would send millions of little drops of water crashing down to the floor - or my face, whichever was underneath.
The rain cleared up shortly after we got back to the hotel. The three went swimming until they came back and headed off for the NHD dance. As much fun it would have been to see what seemed like socially inept children "dance," Cale and I were lazy and helped one of the three burn DVDs and watched TV. By the end of the night, we all ended up in the boys' room, forcing one of the guys to retreat to the girls' room. Slept late, woke up lazy and didn't want to really get out of bed. The Sofa-bed thing was comfortable though.
Next morning (Tuesday), we all had our competition interviews. Cale and I were to go first, and after rushing out the door, getting lost, and having an interesting and amusing trip, we were a little late. We actually ran into one of the judges looking for us. It was pretty entertaining. The interview was alright: they were overly nice and knew quite a bit about our topic. Cool. We got back, watched tv and Angel, got food, watched more Angel, other three got back, watched more Angel, walked around a little, planned to go to the movies, didn't...came back and watched Game 6 of the NBA Finals (not much into sports...so if I botched that, eh). I've been inactive all day long and it feels really relaxing. We ordered pizza for dinner, I broke a plate, washed even more, and now, I'm doing this.
So, here comes the analysis: I've realized that I've dragged a dead relationship (tch. I avoid spending time with him...I choose Jeremy's company over his this summer!) on for too long, I've lost a conscience, learned some secrets, kept secrets, told lies, told the truth where I never expected it, tole more truth without batting an eye than I've ever managed with this person, and gained some more friends. I've had laughs, I've cried, I've beaten myself up, I've realized so many things, and I confused myself. I wouldn't trade what happened over this trip for anything...it's all of it that defined the trip and giving up a bit of it would ruin the reality and truth in it. I realize just how horrible I am, just how much I've wanted certain things, certain liberties, certain allowances. I've come to realize that it's more than being bored in this relationship, it's more than not being physically attracted to James, it's more than not wanting to ruin his innocence. I don't want to bother anymore. I can't get into a relationship just for fun...I know that these things aren't permanent...and I don't get so picky. I mean, if my next relationship would be the one I had to stick with for the rest of my life, I'd actually be picky...I'd actually analyze, follow, and get to know this person to the fullest extent. I wouldn't be playing for challenges...I'd be playing for real...but life isn't like that and no matter what, I will still be playing for challenges. I will still revolve my life around these games I love so much.
So, I realized that worry and uncontrollable fear feels like. It's not like nightmare fear...more an insecurity that you are helpless over. There's this creeping feeling that moves to the pit of my stomache, pulling and twisting to the point of discomfort. It's the worst feeling I've ever had, worse than the pain of anything I've ever had before - they were all physical. And the thing is...I think that's what I've done with my guilt. Instead of feeling guilty and such about things, I get this creeping discomfort, the manifestation of emotion that I've banished from my concious mind. You know...I've realized just how brutal, cold and heartless I could really be.
You know...I'm sort of writing this so that when I'm in college or out of college in the future, I can come back and look back on everything I've ever thought, everything I've ever done, and I want to be able to smile back and realize that he was right: I have grown as a person.
-I Need To Stop This Carousel Before It Throws Me
Scarlet Bloodmoon
P.S. I really like my password hint: "The sad thing is, I only do it to watch the soft fibers melt in the flames I later apply"
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Chauvinistic
Sorry, definitely overdue and such, but that's how I've been lately. I'm writing this as I'm trying to stay up till I have to leave for the airport at 4 am. There hasn't been much to write about, to analyze, to laugh about. I mean, I could go on about things that I haven't told anyone, hoping that the anonymity of the internet will save me, but then what's that to my readers? I could talk about my exciting trips I have coming up, but then I feel like I'm bragging. I could talk about how much better I've been getting with...friendships, reigning over my demon, analyzing people, taking my pride to extremes where it's not my true sin anymore, or anything along those lines.
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Damn, I have the cutest little Jack Russell Terrier ever
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I live an ironic life...the people I ignore end up the most important to me over and over again. The people I've wanted have either become unappealing or a possibility that will never be likely. People that have at one time avoided me now confide in me, and the people that become the closest always end up annoying me. I guess it's just one of those things, though, you know?
We all have some pretty deep and twisted secrets, most of us have piles and piles, and others have one or two that they never realize are secrets. Wow...thinking back, I definitely have my share...and what the hell? Let's share some!
You know what's horrible? I really want to consider taking up every offer Silver has made to me. We should hang out this summer, gaming and such. We should get me as drunk as possible and strand me in the middle of Tempe once I turn 18. I should go bug him for a tour around the college he goes to, it's a beautiful place. The saddest thing: I really want to know how good he is...Maybe this is just hormones and the whole "being fertile and looking for sex" stage of this month, but I haven't been this hot-blooded since...I don't even know. And the coupe-de-grace on this ugly mess...well, there are two of them...he's dating someone and knowing that stings a little bit, and secondly...I have a boyfriend...who I won't let close enough to have sex with.
You know what? Thinking back, I really have to challenge Bella's judgment in things. I mean, she's in a relationship doomed to failure, but here she is criticizing the relationship potential in general of guys that she's never spent more than a week with. Or how she thinks that by getting into a relationship with Napoleon, I will become even more cynical and cruel, when really I'm not going to change very much. I love how she assured me that this relationship is the safest bet I have, and look where I am now...I'm bored and I think he's too easy to take down. I can't imagine ever moving past where we are now, and still, I joke just as easily about bondage and sex with him. This isn't good for me. I'm quite sure that if I were in any other relationship, this wouldn't be the main problem. What really started this whole rant though, is the fact that I told her about the lack of growth in this relationship and the first thing she asked was if I had any back-up plans in mind. Well, she wanted to know who my next potential victims were. I had one in mind, someone I could laugh with, someone who I rather enjoyed spending time with, chatting with, but really, knew that is would never work...Not to the best extreme. The first thing out of her mouth was negative. "He's not a good boyfriend. He's not worth the time. He's poison." No, she didn't really say that, but hey, she implied it. She wouldn't know! When was the last time she actually spent time to talk to him? When was the last time she actually spent time at all considering his character? Oh right. After he broke up with a person she really couldn't care less about, but still pretends to coddle. I gave up...I really started to lose my respect for her now. It's really hard to see why so many people could stand to pretend for so long...
I like having a lot to say about things....Well, for anyone interested, I have a new blog, one I plan on sugar-coating so that it is acceptable to people. This one is being hidden a little bit more, but only because I don't like having my shit hit the fan. Maybe, once all of these people are out of my life...(like I go to an out-of-state college, but neh) I won't hide anymore...
Blog = http://lilithrogue.blogspot.com
Final update (as I'm typing this June 15, 2008 2:21 am): I'm leaving for the airport in less than 2 hours. I've been up so far...maybe I will fall asleep on the plane...maybe I'll just pull an all-nighter thing and be up for...36 hours when I get there...or something. Beats jet lag!
-Is There Something Wrong With the Way I Treat People?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
------
Damn, I have the cutest little Jack Russell Terrier ever
------
I live an ironic life...the people I ignore end up the most important to me over and over again. The people I've wanted have either become unappealing or a possibility that will never be likely. People that have at one time avoided me now confide in me, and the people that become the closest always end up annoying me. I guess it's just one of those things, though, you know?
We all have some pretty deep and twisted secrets, most of us have piles and piles, and others have one or two that they never realize are secrets. Wow...thinking back, I definitely have my share...and what the hell? Let's share some!
You know what's horrible? I really want to consider taking up every offer Silver has made to me. We should hang out this summer, gaming and such. We should get me as drunk as possible and strand me in the middle of Tempe once I turn 18. I should go bug him for a tour around the college he goes to, it's a beautiful place. The saddest thing: I really want to know how good he is...Maybe this is just hormones and the whole "being fertile and looking for sex" stage of this month, but I haven't been this hot-blooded since...I don't even know. And the coupe-de-grace on this ugly mess...well, there are two of them...he's dating someone and knowing that stings a little bit, and secondly...I have a boyfriend...who I won't let close enough to have sex with.
You know what? Thinking back, I really have to challenge Bella's judgment in things. I mean, she's in a relationship doomed to failure, but here she is criticizing the relationship potential in general of guys that she's never spent more than a week with. Or how she thinks that by getting into a relationship with Napoleon, I will become even more cynical and cruel, when really I'm not going to change very much. I love how she assured me that this relationship is the safest bet I have, and look where I am now...I'm bored and I think he's too easy to take down. I can't imagine ever moving past where we are now, and still, I joke just as easily about bondage and sex with him. This isn't good for me. I'm quite sure that if I were in any other relationship, this wouldn't be the main problem. What really started this whole rant though, is the fact that I told her about the lack of growth in this relationship and the first thing she asked was if I had any back-up plans in mind. Well, she wanted to know who my next potential victims were. I had one in mind, someone I could laugh with, someone who I rather enjoyed spending time with, chatting with, but really, knew that is would never work...Not to the best extreme. The first thing out of her mouth was negative. "He's not a good boyfriend. He's not worth the time. He's poison." No, she didn't really say that, but hey, she implied it. She wouldn't know! When was the last time she actually spent time to talk to him? When was the last time she actually spent time at all considering his character? Oh right. After he broke up with a person she really couldn't care less about, but still pretends to coddle. I gave up...I really started to lose my respect for her now. It's really hard to see why so many people could stand to pretend for so long...
I like having a lot to say about things....Well, for anyone interested, I have a new blog, one I plan on sugar-coating so that it is acceptable to people. This one is being hidden a little bit more, but only because I don't like having my shit hit the fan. Maybe, once all of these people are out of my life...(like I go to an out-of-state college, but neh) I won't hide anymore...
Blog = http://lilithrogue.blogspot.com
Final update (as I'm typing this June 15, 2008 2:21 am): I'm leaving for the airport in less than 2 hours. I've been up so far...maybe I will fall asleep on the plane...maybe I'll just pull an all-nighter thing and be up for...36 hours when I get there...or something. Beats jet lag!
-Is There Something Wrong With the Way I Treat People?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Processing Emotions: This May Slow Normal Run Time
It started with a simple statement: "Friends are people who will pick up a phone call at 1 in the morning just because you couldn't sleep and have a lot on your mind you would like to talk out." From there, since I can't let anything go without trying it, I wondered who would pick up a phone call from me in the wee hours of the night. And from there, I started wondering if the person I want to spend the rest of my life with (and through large amounts of being cynical, he remains faceless and nameless to me) would go further than that: would he come find me and make me feel better if I ever needed him to?
When I get like that, there is a suffocating feeling, like I'm drowning in all of my pondering and there is nothing that can get me out of it. I still function, but I do it at a much groggier pace. I'm working at 110% and something's slowing me down. It feels like something is slowly picking away at my heart, the numbing anesthetic I had pulled over the fragile emotions blocking most of the pain and discomfort, but I can feel something pulling at the tissue. I can feel what I know as truth fall away and I'm actually confused for a little bit. Eventually, someone notices that I'm gone too long, that I'm missing and they come and look for me. Throwing out a lifeline, I grab hold and try to amble back to shore. As soon as I touch land again, I go back to being the evil, cynical, and cryptic person I tend to be.
It's through these little musings that I realize my life is pretty much set. I realize that there are people who will pick up the phone at 3 in the morning, even, just to comfort me. I realize that there are people who pay attention to the small details about me, the details that I thought only I would take the time remembering. I realize that my relationships with these people are better than the relationships and friendships I have with normal people: every single one of these people who excel at making me happy, I have an abnormal friendship with. I realize just exactly how well I have it all.
So, I watched Juno for the second time tonight. I don't know what it is about the film, but it makes me cry every time. Maybe it's because I really want to be able to find someone like Paulie Bleaker, someone who just knows things without being told. Maybe it's because I realize just how many people I shouldn't even consider worth my time...Maybe it's because I want things to be that storybook and no matter what, they will never be.
So I realize that I am a demoness that thrives for physical contact. I feel best curled against someone, within someone's embrace, having someone stroke my hair in that manner where it's like they put their whole heart into a single motion of their hand. I love collecting stares and compliments, I love innocent kisses on the top of my head, I love light nibbles on the tips of my fingers, I love the little things that seem to mean nothing. I seem to love being worshiped, but at the same time, I want to work for that look in their eyes, the one where it looks like they want to settle me onto a pedestal and just...ravish me. Oh, and I love it when they play.
-Building Hybrid Fantasies: Please Insert CD 3 to Continue
Scarlet Bloodmoon
When I get like that, there is a suffocating feeling, like I'm drowning in all of my pondering and there is nothing that can get me out of it. I still function, but I do it at a much groggier pace. I'm working at 110% and something's slowing me down. It feels like something is slowly picking away at my heart, the numbing anesthetic I had pulled over the fragile emotions blocking most of the pain and discomfort, but I can feel something pulling at the tissue. I can feel what I know as truth fall away and I'm actually confused for a little bit. Eventually, someone notices that I'm gone too long, that I'm missing and they come and look for me. Throwing out a lifeline, I grab hold and try to amble back to shore. As soon as I touch land again, I go back to being the evil, cynical, and cryptic person I tend to be.
It's through these little musings that I realize my life is pretty much set. I realize that there are people who will pick up the phone at 3 in the morning, even, just to comfort me. I realize that there are people who pay attention to the small details about me, the details that I thought only I would take the time remembering. I realize that my relationships with these people are better than the relationships and friendships I have with normal people: every single one of these people who excel at making me happy, I have an abnormal friendship with. I realize just exactly how well I have it all.
So, I watched Juno for the second time tonight. I don't know what it is about the film, but it makes me cry every time. Maybe it's because I really want to be able to find someone like Paulie Bleaker, someone who just knows things without being told. Maybe it's because I realize just how many people I shouldn't even consider worth my time...Maybe it's because I want things to be that storybook and no matter what, they will never be.
So I realize that I am a demoness that thrives for physical contact. I feel best curled against someone, within someone's embrace, having someone stroke my hair in that manner where it's like they put their whole heart into a single motion of their hand. I love collecting stares and compliments, I love innocent kisses on the top of my head, I love light nibbles on the tips of my fingers, I love the little things that seem to mean nothing. I seem to love being worshiped, but at the same time, I want to work for that look in their eyes, the one where it looks like they want to settle me onto a pedestal and just...ravish me. Oh, and I love it when they play.
-Building Hybrid Fantasies: Please Insert CD 3 to Continue
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Friday, May 16, 2008
Poetic Titles Escape Me At the Moment
I hate teaching Bella how to do math. I'm used to people wanting to learn, wanting to finish, wanting to get it, or people who want to take advantage of me. Those who take advantage of me, I let. They are pitiful people who just need to get points. Okay, fine. Bella tries to take advantage of me, but most the time, I lose what temper I seemed to have before she could milk much out of me. Today, she was sitting, doing trigonometry homework during the 30-minute period we have as "conference" and it wasn't until 10 minutes in did she actually come over and start on the worksheet. She sat on the ground, taking her time, fixing details before diving in. She got three problems done. If I really wanted to, I could have finished all of it in that 30 minutes. It's not that she's bad at math, she just refuses to learn because "she has a crappy teacher." Well, my brother is in her class, and he's doing just fine. I mean, yeah, he has questions, but it's because of the way the teacher teaches. You learn it on your own in his class, you have to ask questions. Bella says "teach me" and waits for me to step-by-step lead her through the homework. Oh, did I mention that she had a full page of notes that if I had, I could have ruled the world with? Seriously, she had all of the information. What could I teach her? She just didn't have the effort to devote to effort.
I realize I move too quickly through everything, but instead of stopping me and asking, she asks me to slow down and repeat. This makes me mad. Don't tell me to repeat it. I know there are two conversations going on around you, but you have to listen to me! Don't ask me to repeat or explain again, tell me to list the steps I skipped.
She's always looking for confirmation. I hate doing that. I want people to just work in silence and if I see a mistake or discrepancy, as I tend to work alongside you if not faster than you, I will ask you to explain how you got to that step. Most of the time, they are wrong, but if I'm not the "tutor" in the case, I could be wrong too. "That is sin, right?" (By the way, she says sin, not sine. It bugs the hell out of me.) I get sarcastic. Half way through the sarcasm, I decide that it's not helping at all, she's just going to fall into a pit of even more self-doubt and questions. "Yes, that's sine." I don't even know why I bother sometimes...I swear I'm just setting myself up for disappointment every time.
But anyways: it is my youngest brother's birthday today. He is turning 8. He's so much fun.
But enough of my ranting. We all know I'm losing it. The most interesting day this week was Wednesday. Robotics was a failure, and since I had AP testing, I decided not to go. Silver, being the mentor, drove down from Tempe, and finding out that there really was no meeting, didn't take it very well. Making the best of the situation, he asked me to meet him at the mall. Okay. I drive people home because I said I would, and then drive to the mall. It's been like an hour since he made plans with me and I feel like crap.
I meet him towards the entrance of Barnes and Noble's. We wander around the mall, hitting all the interesting stores upstairs (Spenser's, GameStop, Game Daze, Atomic Comics, The Puppy Store) before going to the Apple store and the Sharper Image store downstairs. All through wandering the mall, we'd have poking wars or he'd tickle me. I'd fall against him and he'd push me back. He would pull me against him and hug me. It was good, clean fun. We passed by Fredrick's (the lingerie store) and he comments on how he's passed the store with so many females, but none of them have ever offered to model anything from that store for him. We laughed at this misfortune, commenting that it was likely that he'd be forty, married and with children, and still, she wouldn't model anything for him. After a lot of wandering, we wandered to the food court where I realized that I probably shouldn't eat because my parents were expecting me back for dinner and would be sorely disappointed if I didn't eat. Silver laughed at me, telling me that I should just tell them that I was having dinner with a boy. Yeah, because that would make them like me more.
So we wandered to Subway and all through it, he was offering to get me something, and when I turned down cookies and chips, he scoffed at the dietary habits of women again. I laughed along and rolled my eyes. I stole half of his large thing Dr. Pepper at dinner, which was basically a session of question-answer that led to more anecdotes and stories. After that, we returned to Barnes and Noble's where we found GnomeMaster (that was so his screen name for so long...) who was an acquaintance that graduated last year. We chatted, talked about college (well, they did) and everything. Every once in awhile, a customer would come by and said acquaintance would help them before returning to chatting.
At 6:15, parents called and demanded me home, so with quite formal goodbyes, I took my leave. I half-listened to Silver quietly slip away with a few "glad to meet yous" and "goodbyes" and was wary of the fact that he was creeping behind me. He tickled me, so laughing, I pulled away and then pulled closer again for a hug. We walked to the door, and at the sidewalk where we had to part ways, I hugged him goodbye. He picked me up off of my feet and while I was giggling a bit, kissed me on the cheek. We parted ways.
Anyways, that was it. Ooh, so I've finally joined Twitter after so many people have been talking about it. ^_^ SBloodmoon.
-To Memories, To Change, To the Future
Scarlet Bloodmoon
I realize I move too quickly through everything, but instead of stopping me and asking, she asks me to slow down and repeat. This makes me mad. Don't tell me to repeat it. I know there are two conversations going on around you, but you have to listen to me! Don't ask me to repeat or explain again, tell me to list the steps I skipped.
She's always looking for confirmation. I hate doing that. I want people to just work in silence and if I see a mistake or discrepancy, as I tend to work alongside you if not faster than you, I will ask you to explain how you got to that step. Most of the time, they are wrong, but if I'm not the "tutor" in the case, I could be wrong too. "That is sin, right?" (By the way, she says sin, not sine. It bugs the hell out of me.) I get sarcastic. Half way through the sarcasm, I decide that it's not helping at all, she's just going to fall into a pit of even more self-doubt and questions. "Yes, that's sine." I don't even know why I bother sometimes...I swear I'm just setting myself up for disappointment every time.
But anyways: it is my youngest brother's birthday today. He is turning 8. He's so much fun.
But enough of my ranting. We all know I'm losing it. The most interesting day this week was Wednesday. Robotics was a failure, and since I had AP testing, I decided not to go. Silver, being the mentor, drove down from Tempe, and finding out that there really was no meeting, didn't take it very well. Making the best of the situation, he asked me to meet him at the mall. Okay. I drive people home because I said I would, and then drive to the mall. It's been like an hour since he made plans with me and I feel like crap.
I meet him towards the entrance of Barnes and Noble's. We wander around the mall, hitting all the interesting stores upstairs (Spenser's, GameStop, Game Daze, Atomic Comics, The Puppy Store) before going to the Apple store and the Sharper Image store downstairs. All through wandering the mall, we'd have poking wars or he'd tickle me. I'd fall against him and he'd push me back. He would pull me against him and hug me. It was good, clean fun. We passed by Fredrick's (the lingerie store) and he comments on how he's passed the store with so many females, but none of them have ever offered to model anything from that store for him. We laughed at this misfortune, commenting that it was likely that he'd be forty, married and with children, and still, she wouldn't model anything for him. After a lot of wandering, we wandered to the food court where I realized that I probably shouldn't eat because my parents were expecting me back for dinner and would be sorely disappointed if I didn't eat. Silver laughed at me, telling me that I should just tell them that I was having dinner with a boy. Yeah, because that would make them like me more.
So we wandered to Subway and all through it, he was offering to get me something, and when I turned down cookies and chips, he scoffed at the dietary habits of women again. I laughed along and rolled my eyes. I stole half of his large thing Dr. Pepper at dinner, which was basically a session of question-answer that led to more anecdotes and stories. After that, we returned to Barnes and Noble's where we found GnomeMaster (that was so his screen name for so long...) who was an acquaintance that graduated last year. We chatted, talked about college (well, they did) and everything. Every once in awhile, a customer would come by and said acquaintance would help them before returning to chatting.
At 6:15, parents called and demanded me home, so with quite formal goodbyes, I took my leave. I half-listened to Silver quietly slip away with a few "glad to meet yous" and "goodbyes" and was wary of the fact that he was creeping behind me. He tickled me, so laughing, I pulled away and then pulled closer again for a hug. We walked to the door, and at the sidewalk where we had to part ways, I hugged him goodbye. He picked me up off of my feet and while I was giggling a bit, kissed me on the cheek. We parted ways.
Anyways, that was it. Ooh, so I've finally joined Twitter after so many people have been talking about it. ^_^ SBloodmoon.
-To Memories, To Change, To the Future
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
100 Things About Myself
I realize that most other blogs have one of these, but I thought this was a valid way for me to analyze myself or ponder aloud about things while my readers get to know me. This is me, this is what I've been wanting to say to people, this is what I want so many people to realize...This is your window to what really runs through me.
100 Things About Me:
1. I hate myself for not being about to make up my mind
2. It’s easy for me to hate the people closest to me (outside of family)
3. I still want my ex-boyfriend to be as happy as I wanted when we were going out.
4. I fantasize about things that I desperately want, but will never have
5. I doubt my abilities to get to where I want to be.
6. Nothing makes me feel more sexy and confident than when guys beg.
7. I’m too playful for my own good.
8. For the longest time, I “ignored” how far (physically) I’ve gotten with people.
9. Technically, I lost my virginity when I was 16.
10. I’m really a nymphomaniac most of the time, I just hide it well
11. It’s really hard for anyone to turn me on through physical means
12. No matter how many times anyone has tried, I have not died at the hands of another
13. In a roundabout way, I can say I loved/love giving blow jobs
14. I thought my previous relationship was perfect, and was proud of the fact that my best friend’s relationship seemed to be falling apart while mine was flourishing.
15. If given the chance, I would not get back with my ex…It’d ruin things
16. I like my mother more than I like my father
17. I make myself, knowingly or unknowingly, want what I can’t have
18. I also live life from challenge to challenge. I need something there to keep me fighting.
19. I kind of hope he still has the journal I gave him for our six month anniversary and hope that he will read through it again one day.
20. I feel left out from all of my friends when I’m single. Everyone around me is happy with a significant other, and I’m stuck sitting alone…
21. I was considering a relationship with almost 7 different people, but I will never really get the chance to ever start any of the relationships.
22. I have no second thoughts on dressing in the skimpiest things I could ever own
23. I am known for dressing like a Japanese school girl just for fun
24. I live for conflict.
25. I have no problem in sacrificing people for the greater good, I’d never personally sacrifice someone though
26. I’d be fine giving blood, and I love watching the needle go in, I just hate the feeling of weakness I get afterwards
27. I have so many masks, I don’t know who I really am anymore
28. I like bragging about how busy I am, so I find distractions and reasons for me to “get involved”
29. The most interesting contest I had with any boyfriend was a “trashy romance” write-off where we shared one of our sexual fantasies
30. I made bets with him so I could persuade him to do sugary, romantic stuff without having to ask for it.
31. Sometimes, I wish life was a little more “No Strings Attached”
32. Any use of second person outside of my blog probably refers to my ex
33. I’m picky about my weight and won’t settle for anything greater than 115 lbs
34. I’ve never smoked pot, but I’ve been in a room full of people smoking, so I bet I’ve been high before
35. In fact, I’ve never smoked, but my lungs are probably tarred up anyways because my dad used to
36. I hate the smell of cigarette smoke, and when Jeremy does smell like it, I can’t stand it
37. I’ve never been fully drunk…
38. And I really want to find some really close friend that would never judge me and get drunk with them so that I know how I react when drunk.
39. The first thing I plan on buying when I’m 18 is straight out of a sex shop just because
40. I don’t like risking it when it comes to people – I’m thinking someone might really like me, but I don’t want to call them out on it.
41. I think half the time, I’m just looking for sex, but the other half, I’m trying to reign in my Vixen.
42. I’m proud of being a nerd…and while I might not be the best nerd, I take pride in knowing that I’m the best damn female nerd around.
43. I really want to go to a college where the male to female ratio is ridiculous so that there are like…10 males to every female.
44. At this point, whichever college gives me the highest scholarship, I’m going there.
45. I cave easily into suggestion…especially if they know I hate saying no.
46. I really don’t think I can finish this with 100 valid points.
47. I still have a slight crush on this guy that I had liked since I was 12. I am 17, it’s been five years, and through all of my relationships and adventures, I still think I want him a little.
48. Sometimes, I wish I could be strong enough to really hurt people.
49. I am three weeks into a relationship and I think we need to talk…
50. I love sappy and romantic movies
51. But I also love watching people being blown to bits or killed in unimaginative ways.
52. I have a really weak stomach for torture.
53. I’ve had very little chances or offers to get drunk…I’ve turned down all of them
54. The most amusing present I gave myself was a pair of fishnet stockings and a garter belt
55. I like dressing up only to be able to tease people about it
56. I don’t like telling people things, I want to show them.
57. I’ve had a bouquet of roses for five months, sitting on my desk. Every time I glance at them, I wonder if any of my ex boyfriends would have given me flowers.
58. Of all the times my boyfriend has asked me to name a prize, I always pick the small simple things. I know I can ask for more, but really, I just want old skeleton keys.
59. I would like to think that I am very low maintenance.
60. I still sleep with a stuffed bear I got on Valentine’s Day of 2007.
61. I don’t think my best friend could ever really comprehend the full depth of some of the friendships I have with the people around us.
62. She is still convinced that my ex boyfriends are sent from hell and refuses to consider it otherwise.
63. There is one exception. She didn’t really know either of us when we were dating.
64. Out of my past relationships, there is only one friendship I have with my exes that I would like to change
65. I love quoting my writing
66. I love leaving little hints in hopes that someone would come and read them and ask about it.
67. I am an awkward beginner, but given time, I can master anything.
68. I will listen to any music at least once if someone suggests it to me and I respect their opinion and suggestions.
69. The best way to interest me is to start talking about literature or music
70. I love the way a cello sounds
71. I get really mean when I’m tired.
72. I hate that people wish they had my body. I hate my body. What is good about it?
73. Anyone who wishes they had my body forgets that I am 32A, have a horrible BMI, and desperately need to exercise.
74. The most meaningful conversations are the ones where he makes me realize just how powerful I am
75. For the longest time, I’ve always wanted to start a band and write a song
76. I would have played the bass and sang because it’s not expected.
77. I love defying social norms
78. Sometimes, I’m afraid of my own reflection.
79. It always looks like I could cry at any moment
80. I am quietly prejudiced against almost anything.
81. I love helping people through their problems. It gives me this feeling of use.
82. I’m afraid of letting people into who I really am if they don’t need to be.
83. I do a lot of stuff out of convenience
84. I need to have control over what changes about me or I’m stuck hating myself
85. That is why I dye my hair in weird colors
86. I’ve always thought I was invisible, even among all the achievements I’ve received.
87. I can’t be a horrible person to those that have burrowed into familial status
88. I have enough self-doubt to think I’m a horrible role model.
89. Answering questions allows me to realize the important things that lead up to finding the answer.
90. I love it when people ask me questions
91. I take small victories. It sounds like settling for less, but I think it’s me trying to keep from falling into despair.
92. I get good at analogies when analyzing people
93. I love herbal and soapy scents.
94. I have something against floral or fruity scents
95. I feel powerful when people I don’t know turn to their friends and ask why I do things
96. I should suck at giving advice, but people still come to me for it…
97. Incompetence or lack of skill bugs me
98. I’m ticklish
99. I prefer the company of guys than of girls. Guys just have a way of making me forget my insecurities.
100. If you haven’t noticed, I hate myself, I have low confidence and self-esteem, and the only reason I keep going is because I can pretend and act like another person.
100 Things About Me:
1. I hate myself for not being about to make up my mind
2. It’s easy for me to hate the people closest to me (outside of family)
3. I still want my ex-boyfriend to be as happy as I wanted when we were going out.
4. I fantasize about things that I desperately want, but will never have
5. I doubt my abilities to get to where I want to be.
6. Nothing makes me feel more sexy and confident than when guys beg.
7. I’m too playful for my own good.
8. For the longest time, I “ignored” how far (physically) I’ve gotten with people.
9. Technically, I lost my virginity when I was 16.
10. I’m really a nymphomaniac most of the time, I just hide it well
11. It’s really hard for anyone to turn me on through physical means
12. No matter how many times anyone has tried, I have not died at the hands of another
13. In a roundabout way, I can say I loved/love giving blow jobs
14. I thought my previous relationship was perfect, and was proud of the fact that my best friend’s relationship seemed to be falling apart while mine was flourishing.
15. If given the chance, I would not get back with my ex…It’d ruin things
16. I like my mother more than I like my father
17. I make myself, knowingly or unknowingly, want what I can’t have
18. I also live life from challenge to challenge. I need something there to keep me fighting.
19. I kind of hope he still has the journal I gave him for our six month anniversary and hope that he will read through it again one day.
20. I feel left out from all of my friends when I’m single. Everyone around me is happy with a significant other, and I’m stuck sitting alone…
21. I was considering a relationship with almost 7 different people, but I will never really get the chance to ever start any of the relationships.
22. I have no second thoughts on dressing in the skimpiest things I could ever own
23. I am known for dressing like a Japanese school girl just for fun
24. I live for conflict.
25. I have no problem in sacrificing people for the greater good, I’d never personally sacrifice someone though
26. I’d be fine giving blood, and I love watching the needle go in, I just hate the feeling of weakness I get afterwards
27. I have so many masks, I don’t know who I really am anymore
28. I like bragging about how busy I am, so I find distractions and reasons for me to “get involved”
29. The most interesting contest I had with any boyfriend was a “trashy romance” write-off where we shared one of our sexual fantasies
30. I made bets with him so I could persuade him to do sugary, romantic stuff without having to ask for it.
31. Sometimes, I wish life was a little more “No Strings Attached”
32. Any use of second person outside of my blog probably refers to my ex
33. I’m picky about my weight and won’t settle for anything greater than 115 lbs
34. I’ve never smoked pot, but I’ve been in a room full of people smoking, so I bet I’ve been high before
35. In fact, I’ve never smoked, but my lungs are probably tarred up anyways because my dad used to
36. I hate the smell of cigarette smoke, and when Jeremy does smell like it, I can’t stand it
37. I’ve never been fully drunk…
38. And I really want to find some really close friend that would never judge me and get drunk with them so that I know how I react when drunk.
39. The first thing I plan on buying when I’m 18 is straight out of a sex shop just because
40. I don’t like risking it when it comes to people – I’m thinking someone might really like me, but I don’t want to call them out on it.
41. I think half the time, I’m just looking for sex, but the other half, I’m trying to reign in my Vixen.
42. I’m proud of being a nerd…and while I might not be the best nerd, I take pride in knowing that I’m the best damn female nerd around.
43. I really want to go to a college where the male to female ratio is ridiculous so that there are like…10 males to every female.
44. At this point, whichever college gives me the highest scholarship, I’m going there.
45. I cave easily into suggestion…especially if they know I hate saying no.
46. I really don’t think I can finish this with 100 valid points.
47. I still have a slight crush on this guy that I had liked since I was 12. I am 17, it’s been five years, and through all of my relationships and adventures, I still think I want him a little.
48. Sometimes, I wish I could be strong enough to really hurt people.
49. I am three weeks into a relationship and I think we need to talk…
50. I love sappy and romantic movies
51. But I also love watching people being blown to bits or killed in unimaginative ways.
52. I have a really weak stomach for torture.
53. I’ve had very little chances or offers to get drunk…I’ve turned down all of them
54. The most amusing present I gave myself was a pair of fishnet stockings and a garter belt
55. I like dressing up only to be able to tease people about it
56. I don’t like telling people things, I want to show them.
57. I’ve had a bouquet of roses for five months, sitting on my desk. Every time I glance at them, I wonder if any of my ex boyfriends would have given me flowers.
58. Of all the times my boyfriend has asked me to name a prize, I always pick the small simple things. I know I can ask for more, but really, I just want old skeleton keys.
59. I would like to think that I am very low maintenance.
60. I still sleep with a stuffed bear I got on Valentine’s Day of 2007.
61. I don’t think my best friend could ever really comprehend the full depth of some of the friendships I have with the people around us.
62. She is still convinced that my ex boyfriends are sent from hell and refuses to consider it otherwise.
63. There is one exception. She didn’t really know either of us when we were dating.
64. Out of my past relationships, there is only one friendship I have with my exes that I would like to change
65. I love quoting my writing
66. I love leaving little hints in hopes that someone would come and read them and ask about it.
67. I am an awkward beginner, but given time, I can master anything.
68. I will listen to any music at least once if someone suggests it to me and I respect their opinion and suggestions.
69. The best way to interest me is to start talking about literature or music
70. I love the way a cello sounds
71. I get really mean when I’m tired.
72. I hate that people wish they had my body. I hate my body. What is good about it?
73. Anyone who wishes they had my body forgets that I am 32A, have a horrible BMI, and desperately need to exercise.
74. The most meaningful conversations are the ones where he makes me realize just how powerful I am
75. For the longest time, I’ve always wanted to start a band and write a song
76. I would have played the bass and sang because it’s not expected.
77. I love defying social norms
78. Sometimes, I’m afraid of my own reflection.
79. It always looks like I could cry at any moment
80. I am quietly prejudiced against almost anything.
81. I love helping people through their problems. It gives me this feeling of use.
82. I’m afraid of letting people into who I really am if they don’t need to be.
83. I do a lot of stuff out of convenience
84. I need to have control over what changes about me or I’m stuck hating myself
85. That is why I dye my hair in weird colors
86. I’ve always thought I was invisible, even among all the achievements I’ve received.
87. I can’t be a horrible person to those that have burrowed into familial status
88. I have enough self-doubt to think I’m a horrible role model.
89. Answering questions allows me to realize the important things that lead up to finding the answer.
90. I love it when people ask me questions
91. I take small victories. It sounds like settling for less, but I think it’s me trying to keep from falling into despair.
92. I get good at analogies when analyzing people
93. I love herbal and soapy scents.
94. I have something against floral or fruity scents
95. I feel powerful when people I don’t know turn to their friends and ask why I do things
96. I should suck at giving advice, but people still come to me for it…
97. Incompetence or lack of skill bugs me
98. I’m ticklish
99. I prefer the company of guys than of girls. Guys just have a way of making me forget my insecurities.
100. If you haven’t noticed, I hate myself, I have low confidence and self-esteem, and the only reason I keep going is because I can pretend and act like another person.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Conspiracy
So, let's get analytical. As horrible as it may sound, my relationship is wrapping up its third week and already, I'm wondering about potential vanilla cakes. To be perfectly honest, this one has been at the back of my mind for...seven months. I don't really know how it'd work out (as I haven't really tried to run through what I believe a simulation would be like), but this is just one of the people that just appeal to me because of the fact that we both enjoy torturing a mutual friend. I mean sure, it's deeper than that, but sometimes, it just feels like I want people for the sake of a challenge. Who knows? We shall see.
In other news, my mother suspects me of being bulimic. I don't know...She's weird like that. We went out to Ikea and I bought a new bedspread (black...for the large amount of not messing it up I plan to do *cough*) and a denim pillowcase I plan to seamstress and transform into a bag. Yesh. I also bought a vase and I was planning on presenting to my mother tomorrow for Mother's Day...Poor soul has to work that day.
(Side note, I feel fat...not sure why, must be the amount of exercise I'm not doing...)
You know, no one is truly tempting in the way that I just have to jump them any time I see them. My demonic and mischievous side has started to get desperate and is no longer picky as to who she attacks, as long as they are slightly attractive...which ironically means she will not attack my boyfriend...but it's not like there is this one special person she has set aside for...pursuit. I'm not going to lie, the more time I spend with Snake, the easier he is getting...He's too desperate for anything that he'd cave into anything I'd ask. I don't know why all of these boys have to be so easy...I mean, where's the fun in the chase if they don't even run?
I think that the way I analyze people is different from the way normal people think. If I were any of the people I tell things to, I'd be acting different around me just because of all the things I've told them. I've confided in people that I need challenge, but they still let me win. They still make things easy for me, they still come to me for help. There's nothing wrong with them coming to me for help, but these people don't have anything I want in return. I need someone to compete with, I need someone to beat me in things. I think that's why I still quietly compete with Cale. He's not going to stop trying for my sake, so he's one of the only people who actually give a fight. It's always been about the highest score or the best compliments. It's always been a friendly competition.
Just by providing me with your habits and the small things you do, I can tell just how you will act to certain things. I know I can read people. I know how people act and how they are used to things. I know that Bella and Otter are afraid of change so they are still in their relationship. I know what to expect from people, I know why they do things. Isn't it scary to know how the human mind works to this degree? Isn't it scary to know you are right about things you don't want to be right about?
-19 Dried Roses, Would You Have Added More?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
In other news, my mother suspects me of being bulimic. I don't know...She's weird like that. We went out to Ikea and I bought a new bedspread (black...for the large amount of not messing it up I plan to do *cough*) and a denim pillowcase I plan to seamstress and transform into a bag. Yesh. I also bought a vase and I was planning on presenting to my mother tomorrow for Mother's Day...Poor soul has to work that day.
(Side note, I feel fat...not sure why, must be the amount of exercise I'm not doing...)
You know, no one is truly tempting in the way that I just have to jump them any time I see them. My demonic and mischievous side has started to get desperate and is no longer picky as to who she attacks, as long as they are slightly attractive...which ironically means she will not attack my boyfriend...but it's not like there is this one special person she has set aside for...pursuit. I'm not going to lie, the more time I spend with Snake, the easier he is getting...He's too desperate for anything that he'd cave into anything I'd ask. I don't know why all of these boys have to be so easy...I mean, where's the fun in the chase if they don't even run?
I think that the way I analyze people is different from the way normal people think. If I were any of the people I tell things to, I'd be acting different around me just because of all the things I've told them. I've confided in people that I need challenge, but they still let me win. They still make things easy for me, they still come to me for help. There's nothing wrong with them coming to me for help, but these people don't have anything I want in return. I need someone to compete with, I need someone to beat me in things. I think that's why I still quietly compete with Cale. He's not going to stop trying for my sake, so he's one of the only people who actually give a fight. It's always been about the highest score or the best compliments. It's always been a friendly competition.
Just by providing me with your habits and the small things you do, I can tell just how you will act to certain things. I know I can read people. I know how people act and how they are used to things. I know that Bella and Otter are afraid of change so they are still in their relationship. I know what to expect from people, I know why they do things. Isn't it scary to know how the human mind works to this degree? Isn't it scary to know you are right about things you don't want to be right about?
-19 Dried Roses, Would You Have Added More?
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Thursday, May 8, 2008
This Is Why You Are Horrible
I'm dedicating this whole post to conveying a message to someone. I don't know, I have a whole ton of these things saved somewhere, but none of them will ever see the sun. This one, though...I want him to see this one:
You know, I think there is something wrong with the way you tell people you can't stand the relationship anymore. I don't know if it's because I got tougher afterwards, but you soften the blow too much and in the end, when we figure out it's all a lie, it makes us feel weak about it. We don't need to be coddled and treated like we're glass when you let us go. We think it's cruel that you would try to soften the blow for us. It's lying...We don't like it when you lie. I'm sorry, I really respect you, but you are a horrible person when you lie. I realize that you feel horrible about yourself about going out with someone right after breaking up with someone else, but if that was never your intention, that isn't a problem. Your problem is not wanting to hurt us. We can be hurt. We can handle the truth. We promise. You are horrible only because you feel you need to protect us -- and you do protect us -- even as you're pushing us away. We just can't stand that kind of connection.
-I really need to find some pseudonym thing for you...Haha, you are Cale. You are now Cale.
Which, by the way, the "we" in the whole post...yeah. I was talking to someone...they have just about the same feelings. You're smart. You can figure out who she is.
Yes, this is a short piece, but...I'll make it up to you. By the way, you need a pseudonym too...FoC isn't too...creative...hmm. Haha, I'm reusing Mr. Compartner...
You know, I think there is something wrong with the way you tell people you can't stand the relationship anymore. I don't know if it's because I got tougher afterwards, but you soften the blow too much and in the end, when we figure out it's all a lie, it makes us feel weak about it. We don't need to be coddled and treated like we're glass when you let us go. We think it's cruel that you would try to soften the blow for us. It's lying...We don't like it when you lie. I'm sorry, I really respect you, but you are a horrible person when you lie. I realize that you feel horrible about yourself about going out with someone right after breaking up with someone else, but if that was never your intention, that isn't a problem. Your problem is not wanting to hurt us. We can be hurt. We can handle the truth. We promise. You are horrible only because you feel you need to protect us -- and you do protect us -- even as you're pushing us away. We just can't stand that kind of connection.
-I really need to find some pseudonym thing for you...Haha, you are Cale. You are now Cale.
Which, by the way, the "we" in the whole post...yeah. I was talking to someone...they have just about the same feelings. You're smart. You can figure out who she is.
Yes, this is a short piece, but...I'll make it up to you. By the way, you need a pseudonym too...FoC isn't too...creative...hmm. Haha, I'm reusing Mr. Compartner...
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