Psychosomatic

This is the last post of the month, a milestone of sorts that will start off my secret-diary. Well, let's see what I've learned this past month.

I've learned that no matter how much I try, I cannot kill the vixen I can easily become. She's always there and at every comment I could create, she chuckles evilly as I try to reign her in. I've learned that I cannot hate this girl no matter what and I can't stand to see her fail. I lost sympathy for someone in the same place not long ago, but her...I just can't. I learned that no matter how much I try to spend away from the people who are bad for me, they just keep coming closer. I've learned just how much I can't stand people who seem to intrude on my territory: people who suddenly show up out of nowhere and try to be a little more like me.

Hmm...Well, coming back to this post: some things are repeated.

It’s a new month, another milestone, and another countdown. It’s been an interesting month, full of ups and downs, and really, I can’t believe how quickly the month has gone by. I remember the beginning of the month where we were still busy trying to get Robotics stuff done and sorted before the competition. I still remember the end of February, baking that cake with Bella. It seems like it was all mere weeks ago, not a whole month. I remember competitions, staying with my Gilbert fanclub and being absolutely OCD about the pit area. Break started and I had gotten Brawl for the Wii. This included staying up to predawn hours with my brothers all gathered in the game room. This included waking up at noon every day and quietly seething when there was nothing to do. I started the new blog, talked about the random occurrences that happened, and the other interesting little things that happened to me. I remember talking about the guys around me and making all of those decisions not to play. I remember thinking that I didn’t want James, yet here I am, taking quiet offense that he’s not planning to ask me to prom. It didn’t seem like a month…

Here’s to another month and another misadventure the life of this disgruntled teenager. I’m trying to be as saintly as you appear – babe – but there is just this…demoness that wants to play.

Dark swirling feelings and emotions have been haunting me. What’s really amusing is the fact that there is a girl who – perhaps if she were any other girl or if I hadn’t changed – I should hate, but I can’t hate her or think of her any less. Besides that, it’s a mesh of hating myself for being so obsessed – no one knows it, but gosh, I just have to know where he might be and I look for him! Seriously, when driving to school, I’m wondering if we’d randomly run into each other (not literally) or when we’re taking random field trips off to places, I watch for everything…What really bugs me about myself is I’ve gotten to a point where I’m territorial about it now. There is a girl – freshman no less – who just randomly showed up one day and started playing with Silver at first. I mean, him being the college boy he is, he just responded, but the thing is, didn’t she realize how lost she was? He’s 20, she’s 14 and seriously, the attention he paid her was nothing like the one he gave me. It doesn’t matter anymore though, because with the amount of playing Silver does, he plays with me more than he does anyone else around me. The thing that really bugs me now about her is that she’s playing with James. It really bugs me that it seems like she’s trying to impose herself into where I am with my friends, that she strives to become what I seem to a number of people. I don’t think she realizes that I have different masks for all of my friends and groups and that she’s forcing me to carry all of my masks through to each and every one of my groups. She calls me out or challenges me on the random amount of sexual activity I’ve done, and seriously, forces me to be more blunt than I ever had to be with other friends. I’m uncomfortable around her because she’s so physical (while I’m seriously trying to curb my physical dependency) and seriously, she doesn’t really know either of them half as well as I do. She criticizes my friends and teammates and thinks it’s sad that she – while not in Robotics – made it to a meeting while no one else did (which, three others made it). She just bugs me now, you know? I guess part of it is because she kind of stole my spotlight and barged into where I thought I was safe, but another is that she’s trying so hard to become a part of a group. I never had to try this hard and if I really had to, I’d have found some new groups. It’s just silly.

Well, this post is really short, and just a little late, but hey, I wrote it. It's just...There's been so many things on my mind, but a lot of it is just school stuff and me being a nerd. As much as I love that part of me, that's not what this blog was for. No one wanted to read about me being a nerd way back when, so why now? You know?

-It's Really Tempting
Scarlet Bloodmoon

PS - Psychosomatic was the password for my laptop for March. Next month, I'll tell you mine for April.

It's Not Enough, It Never Is

There are no words to describe how much I love spending time with DJ and James. There's just something about the two of them that make me do stupid/irresponsible things and a sense of joy that starts to bubble from out of nowhere. Saturday was amazing. I'm not sure what my favorite part was...there was just so much stuff in 15 hours.

I got to the Arizona State University (well, close enough) at 6 in the morning, so that meant leaving my house at 5:30. Eh. Traffic was light and I was cruising 80 on the way there. Good fun. I got there, sitting in the lobby for a little and wandering around before I called James. Well, they had finally woken up at 6, so I hopped to breakfast with another group I'm not that familiar with. I mean, the chemistry kid from before was there, but the other people I choose to associate with as little as possible. Walking the...40 feet to IHOP, we sat down and ordered. Eventually, James and DJ joined us, followed by three other girls that I'm sure weren't in the class. I ended up having like 3 cups of coffee with heavy creamer and then we headed back to the hotel to sort and pack and whatnot.

Finally finished, we all headed to ASU to check in to the competition thing and hang out. After that, we split, so James and I went across the way to the computer lab there. They had a thing of Mac computers, so we hopped on them (even though we didn't have an account thing) and played with them. DJ came and joined us, keeping us from doing stupid shit, and eventually, a kid from a nearby highschool came around and asked if we could tie ties. Well, James started, but decided the tie was too flimsy so I took it. Being a perfectionist, I kept fixing it, and I'm sure I bugged him just a little. Eventually, when the presentations were about to start, we headed back to a room where one of the girls from our school was presenting, and sat down. So many presentations that were so boring! We had...just stuff I couldn't bear to sit through. Finally, they gave us a break and we went outside to sit and chat with everyone else.

Coming back, more people gave presentations and blah. Eventually, they all finished and we had lunch. It wasn't very great at all. Eh. With the remaining time, we wandered around ASU for a little bit before heading back to a classroom to hear awards. Posters: James and DJ didn't win for their poster, but another girl did. Two of the guys in the group won Third for their presentations, and the girl who presented in our room won second. Congrats and stuff like that. After that, they let us go on another break and we wandered around ASU some more. People started presenting their projects, trying to get it down to the top 6. Eh, the only amusing thing here was James kept falling asleep and that was kind of amusing. Apparently, he didn't sleep very much the night before. Oh, and apparently, he liked my hair better purple. Hmm...Break between the presentations and final awards, James, DJ, chemistry kid, two freshman and I walked to Haydon library. After splitting at the elevator, James, two freshman and I wandered into the primary documents, and I looked for some stuff on my research topic thing. After that, we went into the science library where I commented on expecting to find someone I knew from ages ago there. We went to the magazine room and James toppled a thing of magazines, missing me by a few inches. He said he was aiming for me, but ha, not really. After that, we spotted DJ and the chem kid again and headed upstairs to wander around. We headed back, spotting DJ and chem kid ahead of us, so we jokingly decided to "ninja" them. They escaped us, but it was still amusing. We tried to lose the freshman, but that didn't work all that well. We eventually raced them to the room again, but they cheated by running, so ha! No, not really...there really weren't any set rules.

Awards were okay. Our second-place girl got 6th, so she was the alternate. Eh. We got out of the room, and wandered away while everyone called back to us. DJ, James and I looked back and explained that our cars were this way, but chem kid decided to follow us. Naw, we'll bring you the stuff back. So, we headed back.

Meeting up back at school, I got there first. Noticing all of the gates were closed, I circled around and pulled into this curve where parents could drop off students. I pulled to the very front, leaving room for people. The poster girl left her car in the lot that was locked, so we had to move to let her out. She had to ramp up the curve, but she had a small jeep. It worked. Somehow, James and DJ managed to get into the lot and then couldn't get out. I went over to meet them on foot, and they managed to wedge me in front of the two of them in the front and attempt to ramp over the curve. Didn't work as well, but it worked. After getting everything settled, I got into my car and we headed to James' house. They were in the lead, but after a light, since I was in an automatic car and they had a manual, I got ahead of them. Pulling into his house, I realized they took the long way around. Rolling my eyes, I jumped out of my car and waiting at the corner of his house.

We eventually headed inside, and DJ and I joked about ribbon candy that we called "chloroform candy." Every time I'm over, I have at least a little piece, and they're always different from what was expected. This time, I got peppermint. James came out of his parents' room with three shotguns and a pistol, so DJ and James started pulling them out and playing with them. After we were bored, we put them all away and set them back. Apparently, James trusts us enough to let us help. Eventually, we ended up with a shotgun shell and a rile round each. They are currently in my purse...maybe I can find something to do with it.

We decided that we were hungry and so we drove off to find food. Dinner was interesting, but not that much fun. On the way back, however; DJ had left his door unlocked (something unheard of) and James had locked his door. They basically switched. So, we made jokes about roleplaying and it went on from there. Apparently, DJ was the "dashing young teacher," I was the schoolgirl, and James was the "random drunk father of one of the students complaining about something." Somewhere along the way, something happened and all three of us were in a room and I got naked? It was an interesting conversation (oh, right, none of that physically happened, it was just a scenario we all helped sketch). We drove home and I left.

See, I love spending time with them, because it's like we've reached a level of comfort where nothing really matters anymore. We're all so open minded that if anyone were to sit in on our conversation, we'd all be racist. I also feel safe - safe from somehow awaking my vixen. I'm done with anything relationship related with DJ, and I know that no matter what happens with James, I will never allow myself to go further than an emotional relationship. It's just a wonderful feeling - no real restrictions and no worries. Well, maybe I can come up with more excuses to avoid Snake for a little longer while somehow harvesting information from people about James. This is just too fun. I don't know why I didn't think of this ages ago. Hee hee, remember when I said that I was stopping myself from wanting a relationship? Well, I guess I retract that statement. I'm such a victim to pressure that if enough people suggest something, I will be tempted to try. So far, there are like three forces convincing me, and it seems to be working rather well...Silly forces.

Sunday, I was going to go out again, but parental got mad and so I stayed at home and dyed my hair. It was great fun! Eh.

I got like three books today! I shall read them eventually...

-Apologetic Glances Shot From Every Angle
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title from: Until the End by Breaking Benjamin

Regrets Are Better Left Unspoken

I don’t know. I’m starting to spend a lot of time with James…it’s like after the competitions at the beginning of the break, I’ve seen him three more times over break and we just spend a lot of time together. Bella had suggested that out of any of the guys I could date, he’d be the best choice: “You know, out of anyone, I think you should date him.” “I think I should date him too…” Well, Wednesday was fun. There was like…a minute of chatting in the hallway before class, the second class of our day, and then lunch…and then Robotics after that, and from like 4 PM until 9:30, I’ve been spent the day with him…Bella was with us for a majority of it, but heh…

Apparently, I’ve just sealed the decision: I’m not going to Prom this year – as I am a junior. Well, unless I get a job and somehow get my great friend to come along…I definitely want to try to go in a tux and see what they say…That and this is the last year for my senior friends, so I’d get to be with them…and no doubt James is going to accomplish something random and silly with DJ…and I just have to see it. I don’t want to shell out fifty dollars for a ticket though…It’s kind of silly and I definitely don’t have that money. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m silly for not having a gorgeous dress that could have half of the male population forget about their dates for at least three seconds, and I really don’t want to have to deal with the planning involved…because it’s a long story, but the gist of it comes down to the fact that I’m getting obsessed…which is gross and silly.

Seriously…I’ve been slightly obsessed with Silver (and that’s really the main reason why he has his nickname thing) and I’m starting to develop one for James…I swear, the more time you spend with people, you either grow to really hate them, or you grow to love them in some way. Robotics has really brought me closer to a lot of people and torn me permanently away from others. Really, I’m kind of glad I’m finally growing up and away from being so fickle and petty, but the thing is…I still don’t trust myself not to screw it up.

Being the great person I am, I like to doubt myself and the things around me. I constantly doubt that guys could have any real feelings for me besides…“a tingle in their pants” or some extraordinarily silly euphemism like that. I mean, I realize that I’m a great person…half the time. The other half of the time, I’m just sure they see me as a friend and at best…a sibling. I fear that people will set me aside as the girl that’s too perfect to date because of how close the friendship has grown or something like that.

I may be outspoken a lot of the time, but I swear, I am a wonderful girl to take home to Mom and Dad. I can seriously impress on paper and in person, and I’m well-rounded enough to fit into conversation easily. I may be questionable on the streets, but I can act like the girl-next-door or the dream girl for any parent/friend/evaluator. I’m sweet, I’m caring, I’m daring, I’m ludicrous, I’m hilarious, I’m impossible, I’m perfect, and I’m going to be the most perfect thing anyone could wish for. I try to please – I give easier than I take – and there is never a dull moment with me. I’m fairly open, but I used to lie a lot…I can and will change for you…

I’m just…Eh.

Thursday was eventful. After school, I walked into Robotics to see Silver already there. Ooh! Well, he pulled me into a huge hug and we started with simple pleasantries. “How was break?” and the like. From there, we started right off and had the other people list companies that we considered potential sponsors. Eventually, when that was just about done and most of the people left, it was just Silver, DJ and I. We went off to clean the storage room where everything we used to build was. DJ left us at 5, and for another hour, we cleared a walking space and moved everything off to a side of the room. What progress! Somewhere in that hour, Silver found a box of thumb tacks. Previously, I had noted that I wanted more of them because they were so fun and I loved them. He handed me the box, and I responded with an enthusiastic “ooh! Tacks!” He chuckled and commented about the simple ways into a girl’s heart. Later, he kidnapped the tacks, and when I tried to bargain for a ransom, he suggested partial nudity – only when I had reached 18. Apparently, he’d been in trouble for stupid things like that before…so now he’s being really cautious. Hmm…Well, we finished with the sorting for the day and went back to the classroom and ended up chatting a little with the teacher. We left shortly after that.

Anyways, coming back to this, I realized I’m becoming bolder in my little…obsession (?) of James. Friday after school, James and DJ were heading off to a nearby college for a science thing, and since James has class right next to mine, I met him at the door of his classroom and told him I was going to follow him for a good deal of time. Crossing under the stairway to one of the buildings, we ran into Snake. Seriously, this kid is so lost…but that might be because I hide what I really want away from the world. Well, after he grouped up with us, we stood around and greeted a group of friends under the stairs before we all went to the Science and Math building. Getting up the stairs and going into the classroom, we took a corner in the back (the usual haunt) and looked for DJ. He had yet to come. Some other kid came (and seriously, he’s uber obsessed with Chemistry…) and we started joking and chatting. I could easily tell that Snake was out of place, but I didn’t care. I hoped that he would either sooner or later make up an excuse and go away or get the point. He didn’t. Oh well. James decided to start organizing his laptop case, and so, pulling out mine, I did too. It was amusing. I pulled out a whole ton of note cards and just the random crap that I’ve stashed in there for ever. I ended up throwing away all of the paper in my thing…which is probably okay considering most of the stuff was definitely old anyways. I organized my bag a little too…but that didn’t get very far.

Eventually, DJ arrived. The other kid had found a burette thing and started playing with it. He squirted water at all of us, and after complaining about being wet and making inappropriate jokes, we left to travel and get things done. When three came around, they had to leave, so each taking a poster thing that we needed to load, James, DJ, Snake and I went off to James’ car (which was just next to mine…) and loaded the posters into the bed of his truck. It worked out well. They left, and so, I called Bella (who needed a ride) and loaded up with Snake. Driving away, we reached a stop close to a grocery store. Previously, DJ and James had planned to stop by a the grocery and pick up energy drinks, which made me laugh when a red pick-up pulled out (and we all assumed it was James’ car). I dropped my little guests off, and drove home.

At 4, Otter called and asked if I wanted to go over for a swim party thing. I had nothing to do, so sure, I’ll come along was the decision. Unable to think of anyone else to invite, I convinced my dad to let me go and got to his house. Bella had a play to attend, so she wasn’t there. Eh. Well, when I got there, Captain, Otter, and Otter’s twin was there and we were waiting for another girl. When she got there, we all got ready to swim and headed outside. I dove into the pool first, followed by Otter and Captain. The other girl didn’t join us because she was on her period, so she sat at the edge of the pool and silently suffered when splashed or purposely soaked. Lawlz. After sitting around the pool for half an hour (the water was freezing!), we just started chatting. I talked about sex lives and the like, discussing my adventures at the Convention towards the beginning of the year…not more than two months ago. Greed was mentioned, and the funny thing was, Captain was wondering just how fun he was.

“He was no fun at all…too easy.” I commented.
“What do you mean by too easy?” Captain teased.
“Ha! Everything” someone else said.
“Tch. No…just…” I started.
“Like he’d do anything: ‘Take off your pants!’” The second person said.
“Haha, yeah, he would have.” I responded, drifting from the topic.

We then talked about what I might go as for the next convention come Memorial weekend. It was all great fun. We later got dressed and walked to the park. We dug out the jump rope that had been in my car for weeks now and played with that. When it broke, we turned it into two whips before it became a flog. It is now in my trunk again…

Anyways: I got home at 7 and haven’t really done much at all.

---

I went to lunch with James on Friday. During fifth period, I tend to migrate throughout the room. Most of the students are concentrated in this little spot, and I move around a lot. Towards the beginning, I settled myself close to James and during a moment of bustle, he mentioned the plan. It has somewhat become a “tradition” that a four of us had started. The only constants (for me anyways) were James and I. Today, it was just the two of us. On random Fridays where we had that class, we would go off campus for lunch and return before the last class of the day. It always worked nicely.

We met in the parking lot, in between our two cars (as they were right next to each other). He was shuffling with a few things, so I slung my laptop into my trunk and helped him stick a large sticker to his back window. Finally, he turned to me. “Yours or mine?*” Well, not really caring which car we took, he asked about my mileage, commenting that I must have done the math constantly. Smiling appreciatively, I replied with the number I figured and he said his was just about the same. Ah…well then, that doesn’t matter then. His pick-up was just about stuffed anyways, so we took my car. Lunch was fun and we made it back just as the bell rang, dismissing us to our next class. Routing through the library, we walked out the door and headed back towards the cafeteria. Bella noticed us and asked where we had gone. Cautiously, we almost simultaneously responded with “places…” before heading off to our classes. Since they were right next to each other, we headed to the spot in between where a group of our friends gather all the time and stood and chatted until we had a minute to get to class. Saying goodbyes, we headed off to our classes. It was just…fun.

---

I think I’ve finally decided that no matter what, I have this huge obsession with James and the only real way to get rid of it would be harsh rejection or starting a relationship with him. Bella even said something about it in the car Friday afternoon. We were heading off to her home from dropping off Snake and I told her about how I definitely didn’t want anything to do with Snake. She told me that I had to destroy any sense of hope Snake had and just end it already, but I responded apathetically and saw it in an even more roundabout way. All I really needed to do was find myself in a commitment before he developed the balls to ask me out. “Now, if only I can find my victim before the next time he tries…” She said I didn’t need a victim – she couldn’t see why I would ever need one. “You could have [James]…You’ve hung out with him so much recently…especially over break and stuff like that.” I know I can have him, I know I want him, and I know that he’s just so cute, but right now, I don’t really need to care about the person that I break Snake’s heart with. He just needs testosterone and agree to a commitment before I exploded on Snake. He would be the best choice, and then I wouldn’t need to pretend, but with his trust and commitment issues…that’d be hard.

From a previous post, I’ve established that this is my rubric for guys:
1. He has to ask me
2. Nerdy-esque, gamer guy
3. Sci-fi/fantasy guy and be able to talk about it
4. be able to talk about literature
5. be able to talk about coding
6. Be able to understand nerdy references (which is different from being a nerd)
7. Be able to understand me.
8. Be able to grow within and out of the relationship
9. Be emotionally attached instead of physically inclined
10. Be able to appease my different moods – meaning he must be at least slightly romantic
Well: 1, 8, and 10 are kind of hard to discuss, but now, I can use this and compare everyone I could want with the rest. Yay! Now…if I could make a more extensive one for life in general…

DJ’s girlfriend (who had dubbed herself my mother) is – and this is all speculation from me, but I swear! – trying to matchmake me with James, I promise. Every time I talk about doing something with DJ and her (and then considering the fact that I’d have to be a third wheel type figure), she’d comment on the fact that I could always bring James along and wouldn’t be so much of a wheel anymore. For example, we were talking one day about prom and stuff like that when I said it would be hilarious to just dress up in the most formal dress in our closets and go to a fast food restaurant. We didn’t need to go on prom night, but you know. We giggled and said we’d go on another school’s prom night. Seriously joking, I said we’d need to drag random guys with us. She giggled a bit and said she’d take DJ over a random guy any day. I revaluated and said I’d have to take a random guy. She countered with the fact that I could always take James. Seriously, are all of my female friends that are close to him wanting me to date him? In that way, she and I would become closer (as it is almost a fact that if two really close friends – in this case James and DJ – are both dating, the two girls will either grow closer or hate the guts of the other and screw up the friendship…but we wouldn’t do that!) and it’d all be entertaining and amusing. I swear, the idea of asking James myself is starting to look better and better…

Grr! I’m so close to asking the people around him how he feels about me. I’m still ignoring some parts of the truth, but we’ve had so much fun that I think that I’m entitled to…I guess the next time DJ and I have a heart-to-heart chat, I can bring it up. I don’t know…I just feel kind of awkward trying to fish it out of the people around him…it’s just weird. Well…This is me pretending and masquerading.

---

*The funny thing is, I had the exact line on the tip of my tongue. And now, I realize (hey! I am being perfectly innocent when the thought of relationships come to mind…and I’ve been pondering that a lot…It’s like one of my masks…just…not really a mask) how interesting that sounds…Truthfully, me backseat is kind of small and he has a truckbed. Tch. ^_^ Let’s stop now, kk? k.

- There Is Nothing More I Want To Do Than Take It All Back
Scarlet Bloodmoon

PS – My newest name obsession is Lilith. She is, from the bible-ness, the first woman-creature created by God, but was pure evil. She spawned demonic legions and seduces men in their beds. How fun is that? She’s the Succubus.

Title from: Rise Above This by Seether.

It's Moments Like These

Haha, so I just spent the past...50 minutes out with James and another kid (I guess MoMo). MoMo called me and told me that I needed to wash my car, so rousing suspicion, I asked him why he knew I needed to. He told me to come outside and see for myself.

"What did you do?"
"I didn't do it..."
"What did someone do?"
"Just come out and see."

So, I get outside and see a red pickup in my drive way with MoMo and James in it. Giggling, I walk across the front of the car to see James holding two sets of dice. He said he couldn't find his old set of 20-sided dice so he bought some instead. Giddy, I accept them and give him a hug. MoMo asks where we were going next. Well...no on is home but my brothers, so they wouldn't care if I disappeared for a little...Smiling, I said I needed shoes and disappeared into my garage to find them. Heading back out, I hop in the car with the two of them and we drive away.

"So, where are we going?" We don't have any real destination before James exclaims that he knows exactly where to go. Sure. We head down a little before I realized I needed to be home by four...Sorry guys.

So, we were going to go to an electronics store but couldn't make it there by four. Damn! We circled around the block and stopped by a drugstore. We went in, played with a whole ton of stuff, and then left, dropping me back home. It was such a giggly trip! Anyways, coming home, I had originally planned to take my brother to the mall, but he's tired and doesn't want to go anymore. Fricken! I could have stayed longer with my Robotics/AcDec hybrid friends...*mopes*

-That Make Me Wonder
Scarlet Bloodmoon

As We Were, So Perfect, So Happy

I’m sorry, the song was just too…perfect. It reminds me of what had been, and makes me wish I had something again. I guess, here I am again, play Devil’s Advocate with myself. I’m telling myself that the only reason I like the song and want something again is because I thrive for conflict and because conflict challenges me to smooth things over. I want to find a relationship just to fuck it up and try to smooth it over. But that’s not what I want!

I want to know that someone really cares about me. I want to fall back into optimistic bliss that I miss so much. I want to leave this cynicism behind and no longer have to hold my head so high above the world and pretend I’m so composed. I want someone to support me, and I want to be able to have weak moments. I want to be able to be girly, and I hate that for so long, I haven’t considered myself a girl. I seriously have spent so much time at Robotics this past quarter that I jokingly would disregard my female-ness and comment on female silliness as if I wasn’t lumped together with them in a gender group. I didn’t consider myself a guy, per se¸ but I didn’t see myself as a girl. I want to be able to find the perfect guy and know that my best friend is suffering because her idiot of a boyfriend got bad grades again and can’t do anything or that he’s not that supportive and I have to once again hold her and tell her she’s not messed up. I just want to leave this single-dom. I’m done with being single…I can’t believe I used to think this was a game and was proud of being single…

You know what’s another great song that makes me think about old relationships? FMLYHM by Seether. Of course, that’s a little more about…revenge sex than it is about anything else, but I still like it. Eh.

You know what’s silly? I was reading things about palm reading, and apparently, guys with really gaudy pinky rings are compensating for something, but when a girl wears a delicate ring on her pinky, she’s looking for action. Against my better judgment, I want a really cute/intricate ring for my pinky. Ranging from a simple, thin silver band to a silver band with an interesting knot on it, I just want something…but nothing fits my pinky! The surprising thing is, I know that I’m just asking for sex with it, and with the whole power of palm reading/the-power-of-suggestion, I’m probably going to get it as soon as I have that ring, but that’s kind of the ulterior-motive thing…I realize that I can jokingly do that to people: play around and hint at asking, but when it comes to actually getting to it, I’m really divided…It’s the worst thing ever: wondering where hormones start and where my real conscience, morals, and motives end.

Silly me! I’m so tired of my beating myself up and making me feel like I’m not even worthy of good people. I swear, that’s why I let myself fall victim so easily to pressure and the worst things in the world. That’s why I don’t stop the things that happen to me that I really don’t want. I torture and punish myself by giving myself up to guys who will treat me like I’m only there for sex. I’m so tired of me thinking I’m not good enough, and I don’t want to admit it, but I want someone just for the reason of improving self-esteem and confidence. Why is it so hard to see some value in the small details about myself without some testosterone body reassuring me that he’s not lying when he says there’s so much more to me than I thought? You know what? I’m giving up. No more playing around…I hope. If only I could stop myself, you know?

Whatever. I’m moving on to my next topic.

I was talking to James in an online conversation. I was seriously giggling myself silly…for some reason. I mean, looking back on the conversation, it was the epitome of nerd and I was beaming with pride, but I couldn’t see why I had been so giddy. I guess…I’m still mixed about my feelings for him. I really like him, and he’s a really good friend, but am I sure that I want to change that state? He’s definitely nerdy enough to entertain me. He’s definitely creative enough to come up with comments to retaliate mine. He’s definitely smart enough, nice enough, and sweet enough to keep me happy, but the horrible thing is, I think a reason I don’t want him is because he’s a little fluffier than I would like. I am such a whore.

But apparently, I get a whole ton of 20-sided dice on Monday…We are looking forward to starting a new group of Dungeons and Dragons (I am such a nerd…I can’t lie) and I’ve finally given up on seeming so elegant and perfect and strong. Oh, this anecdote amused me:

My icon on GoogleTalk is a demonic, Succubus figure and James commented on how GoogleTalk had shrunken the picture to a point where it was hard to tell what it was. Slightly disappointed at the size of the icon, I sent him the full picture and giggled when he said that it fit me well.

“btw verry funny icon.. it is you!
so damn evil”

It’s these comments that keep my inner vixen alive and well…but then again, I’m just throwing these pieces of comment-bait out and bursting with pride and joy when someone takes the bait. I’m sorry, she’s just so hard to fully put away. Not everyone’s a saint like you are.

-I Only Wanted A Little Bite, It Won’t Hurt
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title From: The Approaching Curve by Rise Against

Pick Your Prey in a Wicked Way

Today was fun. I woke up at...about 3 this afternoon after missing a call from Snake. Now, I haven't really talked to him much, and the funniest thing ever is, he's still trying to get me.

Snake wanted to see if I wanted to go to the movies today. I told him I couldn't as my parents had left for California and put us under a sort of house arrest. No one can come over, and we can't go anywhere. (Well, not quite. My mother is lenient when it comes to birthday parties.) He was a tad disappointed, but I guess had to suck it up and get over it (as I offered little genuine sympathy). We then started chatting about what was going on over break and whatnot, and told him that I had been pretty bored. I guess I told him the highlight of my break was baking a cake, but I think I thought he meant of my house arrest when he was talking about my break. So not true. My most exciting was the night out or the birthday party! Anyways, he settled with making a movie date for the next weekend. Eh. I'll find a way out or bring someone along at the last minute just to ruin his plans. ^_^ I will not fall victim to him wanting a relationship. Nope!

Rawr! Okay. Well...then if was off to my laptop, where I spent the next three hours reading over things and talking to people...eating a little, and then my brother wanted to go to a friend's birthday thing. Cool, okay. I took him. My mother decided to let me go to the mall to wait for him because it was closer than going home and then coming back. Sure! So, I went and bought 28 Magic: the Gathering cards and 3 20-sided dice. Yes! Well, I went back, got my brother, and then got pizza for the other brother at home. (Oh, that's right: home life = 3 brothers and my parents.)

Came back home, and went off to read this online story that I've been reading for a little. I mean, it's not wonderful, but I like reading it. Anyways, it made me start thinking about what kind of guy I would need in order for me to keep interested and challenged. I've always known I needed someone to challenge me, and thinking back on my previous relationship, I knew that he challenged me and kept me in line sometimes, but I had most of the dominance in the relationship. Not all of it, but just more than half. I also realized that I lost interest in Greed because he was so easy. I dominated him and he put up no chase or challenge. I live to try for what I could never have. I need something that I can't have and strive for. I need a challenge...Coming a day after Silver challenged me...hmm...

I also starting thinking about my friend Bella. There's a little back story, so here we go: At the beginning of Spring Break, I spent the night with Bella. We decided to go and get dinner and get blue hair dye. I got tired of my purple hair and wanted to move on to another color. So, I settled for blue and Bella had some interest in dying her hair too. So, that night we went to her house, tried a strand test on her sister (who was blond, so that kind of worked nicely) and really liked the color. Since I had a strip of hair that was already bleached from the purple dye that had already faded away, I had a very good idea where to put the blue. Bella grabbed a section of her bangs and decided to dye that. Okay. So, an hour and a half later, we washed out the dye (it wasn't in that long, but other stuff and gone on) and she decided that she didn't like the dye job at all. She broke down about it. She called her boyfriend and was talking to him about how badly the night had been because of it. Not fair! We had a fun dinner and really enjoyed ourselves until we washed off the dye! She broke even more when we couldn't fix the mistake without making her whole half of her head blue. It wasn't even that bad, and if I had that, I'd find a way to incorporate it! Eh. It was break and she was going to Mexico. Nothing like sun and salt to wash out dye. She still was looking for sympathy and after Otter could give it to her, she cried and got moody.

So, the point is, I was wondering if I would ever be able to stand a relationship with Otter. I don't want one, but the thing is, would I be able to love him like she does? No. I need someone to intellectually entertain and humor me. I want someone to get all of my jokes and references, and I want someone who isn't going to run off with his friends for something stupid/silly unless I've already done so. (Not really...It sounds so mean: like I want someone who will be able to achieve telepathy and be able to go from there.) No, I needed someone with a little more responsibility and maturity. Otter would make a fine friend and joker, but not relationship material for me. You know...that splicing idea...

I really want to retain a lot of the stuff that happened in previous relationships and have the personalities of a lot of my cakes. -Sigh-

So, I had a really entertaining conversation with someone about Super Smash Brothers: Brawl. He hated what happened to it, but as I've played selective things and really enjoy the idea the WiFi they've implemented among other things, I conversed about how he was kind of on crack. Eh. Still, it was fun because I got to talk about nerd stuff to someone who could return fire.

Well, I'm going to stop now and enjoy the cake I made last night. Yum!

-The Spiraling Has Finally Stopped, But Do I Have To Climb Out Myself?
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title From: She Is My Sin by Nightwish

Still Can't Find What Keeps Me Here

I’ve always known how analyzing I could get. A friend was commenting on how my blog spoke of my raunchy dirt but also talked about my experiences on a level where everything’s been broken down and categorized. I analyze the things I do after I do them. I analyze the things I say, the things other people say and do, and while they might not always be accurate or correct, I still read deeper than average people do. I’m always explaining me and how I relate to the world around me…

The reason I’m talking about this is because at the morning, I was reading a blog that’s rather raunchy. The author was talking about her tattoos and in a post before she got her second one, she was analyzing the reasoning behind her first and commented on how the second had to mean something to her.

Well, back when I used to delude myself and think that I knew exactly how I wanted to mutilate my body (i.e. a bellybutton ring; a piercing somewhere on the upper half of my left ear; two or three small tattoos in easy-to-cover places: back, shoulder blades, lower back, lower abdomen; an “identity tattoo” somewhere that I could either add to or shout some blunt statement about myself that will never change), I would try to plot out exactly what to get and why. These things are permanent! I didn’t want to be a billboard of my past, and so chronicling my various stages would do me no good. I wanted something that I could live with for the rest of my life. My name in Chinese, perhaps, and a shameless tribute to my inner demon. My “Bloodmoon” and a rather pretty linear design. I needed to remind the people staring at my body of who I was, and so, my tattoos needed to be planned to fit who I was, yet be modest and easy to hide. They needed to represent something as permanent as they were…

I am once again analyzing what crazy ink-tributes I would request someone leave in my skin…but I’m thinking more of where…This author has a tattoo level with her hips centered on her abdomen. She has another one on her ass. Of course, this author admits to being a nymphomaniac, so the tattoos only go to accent her lifestyle. No matter how much I want to admire the position and strategic lever of the tattoos, I know that I would never be able to achieve that sort of a lifestyle to accommodate for them. I tease…I am subtle…I am the breed of seductive where I could be fully clothed and have 94% of my skin covered, but still make people want me. I am shameless, but classy. I am intricate designs branching from a bellybutton, small knots and vines trailing along a lower back, and modest demonic wings boasting from shoulder blades.

---

New topic: Silver challenged me before he signed off a little past midnight. Being the slave to suggestion I am, and as I was incredibly bored, I accepted the challenge. I learned a lot about myself (both related to and not related to the challenge) and really only rekindled the determination my inner demon has. Two and a half hours later, I’m contented and sleepy, finishing the last of my analysis, and trying to keep my mind from wandering to places it’s not supposed to. He challenged me to play with myself. See, now I’m wondering why he challenged me with something like this… It’s going to be an interesting year.

-It Wasn’t Earth-Shattering, But It Was Something
Scarlet Bloodmoon

PS – I just couldn’t resist adding a little bit of my raunchy self into this post…I could have really kept it clean, but where’s the fun in that? I confessed that I tend to make my posts seem as dirty and exciting as possible because I’m bored and want to ensure myself that my life is a lot more interesting than I think it really is, but I do get my share of drama and primetime. I guess my readers will have to take their spoonful of sugar with a little bit of medicine – the “sexcapade” adventures are going to be there, but there will be analysis. You can pick your poison, but the other side is part of the package too.

All Because of You, I Believe in Angels

So yesterday, I made three necklaces with a 20-sided die as a pendant. I gave one of them to my brother, because he's just a D&D nerd like that, and two away as birthday presents. The wonderful thing is, I spent...less than $2.50 on each of them and they still love it! I should sell those instead of dreaming of becoming a seamstress...

I bragged about my nerd genius last night, referencing the necklaces, catching the attention of James. Seriously, since I made one of them as his birthday present, I dodged the questions and pleas to the best of my abilities and told him to be patient. It worked.

To today, I stayed up until 8 in the morning playing an RPG on the Gameboy Advance. Going to bed after that, I got up at noon to the sound of my cell phone going off. Answer, sounding like I woke up (rougher voice, slightly dull and muted...) and felt really bad when the person of the other line apologized for waking me up. Finally got up, had half of a Cinnabon, and then played more of the RPG. My parentals left at 4 this afternoon for Legoland, bringing my youngest brother (7) with them. My other two brothers and I get the house to ourselves for a few days, but it's like we're on a house arrest...

My parents did let me go to a birthday party today, but only because I told them it was my best friend's birthday and I really wanted to give her something...they assumed I meant I had an invite to her party. What really happened was James had a "surprise" (the surprise part was pretty lame...) birthday party and I couldn't turn down going. I got there right at 6:45 and hid my car in front of a neighbor's house. Went in, introduced to people James knew from church (he's mormon, but definitely doesn't act it) and then chatted a little with Otter. At this point, James was still out because he and my friend (...DJ Monk3y) had a science fair thing (which they are extremely proud of and has been working on for six and a half months) to attend that day. When the two did show up, the surprise was kind of lamed and most of us managed a weak "surprise" or "hi". Not the best...Having not seen DJ since the beginning of the month, I gave him and hug and corralled with everyone else to the kitchen. James asked again about the nerd genius, and I pointed at the cute little cube-box I had prepared as his present and told him he'd have to wait until he opened his present to find out.

Food was eaten (but having eaten before getting there, I stood around and chatted with James and DJ) and eventually, Bella arrived (late because she was celebrating her birthday with family) and after greetings (and giving her my present) and such, everyone mellowed and sat down to watch a movie. It was Hot Shots, or something like that...but neh. Whole ton of innuendo and parodies, which caused some chuckles and "hehs." I sat by the breakfast bar with DJ and we started a game of tag at first and then narrowed it to "Robotics Tag" which was then exclusively DJ, James, and I. After like...three or four people had left, we opened presents. Some interesting presents...and I was confirmed a nerd genius when people opened mine. It was great. Hmm...after that, we ran around a little bit, eventually meeting outside where DJ and James were glowsticking (because they do that). At 9, I left, heading home because that was the agreement I had with my parentals.

So, here I am, enjoying the relationships I have with DJ and James. I used to have the biggest crush on DJ...It didn't work out very well, and he's currently dating this girl that I'm friends with, but not that close of friends, you know? DJ and I are still very close friends (but it took some mending time) and we are both crazy programmers. He challenges me with new and cool ideas and it seems like he's there to insure that I'm a good person. I swear, most of my friends think that if DJ ever ends his relationship with his girlfriend, I'd be the next candidate.

James...is James. I'm moving closer and closer to deciding that I don't really want to get into a relationship with him because we're such great friends. I mean, I know that Bella and him have known each other since 7th grade, but here's the friendship I have with James, and I've really known him since 10th grade. That's like a year and a half and I was the closest thing to "his type." It's a really casual-banter-nudge-cough friendship. We playfully, and with good intentions, bait the other into "dirty" comments and references, and I listen to his advice on movies and books and whatnot more than those of other people. I'd be lost without a friendship like the one I have with him.

"Not The Kind With Wings
No, Not The Kind With Halos
The Kind That Guide You Home
When Home Becomes a Strange Place"

Thank you, both of you, for being my Angels

-No Amount of Cake Batter Could Overpower This Friendship
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title from: The Good Left Undone by Rise Against

There's So Much Left To Learn, And No One Left To Fight

I feel a little weird posting again after...about 13 hours, but I might as well get this over with.

Early this predawn Tuesday, I received strong advice against bits of my personality I've never been too fond of, yet secretly admire. I received advice asking me to consider the true value of my playtoys and ideal guys. (Wow...I have no reason why I prefer to call them playtoys...For some reason, it makes me feel more empowered to realize how tightly I've wound these people around my fingers. Now I'm wondering if I'll miss it when I leave all of them because they're bad for me.) Early this predawn Tuesday, before I wrote my last post, I've had to pull the small rambles I've done while sitting in my car alone, criticizing myself about how I simply can't see people for their personalities. In fact, I wrote a rant about it on one of my not-so-forgotten blogs.

"Well, I haven't been giving this one too much attention only because of all the crap I still have to do and the fact that I censor myself sometimes on this blog. I have a few more on my other one (if you need to know the URL, you already do) and that's probably the best place to look.

It's been a period full of turmoil and self-doubt. I watched as the people around me uprooted themselves and then planted themselves down again while I stood there, in the forest of moving trees, the only person around. I love all of the trees around me, but they are in no way a good match at all. None of them will nurture me like I need to be, none of them will be able to flip flop with me and my crazy mood swings. No one will be able to handle me. This period of watching the trees has made me wish I was still in a relationship. I loved being in one, and I am loving the freedom and playing, but I want someone warm to come back to. I just want to know that there is someone who will play when I want, but will really love me whether or not I flirt with them. I'm thinking of purging every single one of my games and just searching for an honest-to-god good boy that I can proudly take home to my family.

I was thinking about things again in my car. I hated myself for being so damn picky. I felt myself emotionally and mentally attracted to some guys (they're wonderful people and incredibly intelligent), but I guess I didn't find them trim-cut and perfect enough on the outside. A twinge of regret when hearing about his latest bouts of girl-troubles reminded me that I still admired him and wished I could be closer, but he was not cut out enough for the part. A spot of pride when he told the others that I was the closest to "his type" was quickly dashed when I told myself I didn't want him. His natural ability to ease up any moment and to produce the most information took second to the fact that I couldn't see myself with him. I'm so fickle.

I kind of just want to find the nearest decent relationship and go with it. I know for a fact that there's one that has the possibility of brewing in the next few weeks/months. There is another one-sided one that is probably still waiting for me. I don't want either of them. You know what the saddest thing is? I'm not in a postion to choose, but I want him to ask me, and I want him to be a nerdy-esque gamer guy. I want him to be into fantasy and fiction and be able to rant and rave about silly things like literature or...coding. I want him to be a nervous wreck and then I'd be able to smile, accept and brighten his day. I want him to understand the humor behind all the funny shirts that I find online and I want him to know what the hell I'm talking about all the time. I want to learn something from him, and I want him to learn something from me. I want to be able to get through weeks without the undying urge to strip him naked and have my way with him. I want to be able to chat cutely about menial things until I'm about to pass out from lack of sleep and then giggle when he falls asleep on the other side of the phone. It's really starting to sound like parts of my old crushes and relationships...Is it possible to splice the personalities of like five guys into one super-boyfriend?

I am an Olivia, a diva with no real desire to deal with the incessant sloshings of silly men. I am Viola, a quiet yet bold force that will do anything to get what she wants. I am Cleopatra, who, realizing what needed to be done, wasn't afraid or reserved at all about her gifts. I am Kathrina, a shrew by default, but willing to change the world for the man who deserves me. I am Desdemona, an innocent victim in a cruel game. I am Juliet, a foolish lover who fell to ruin as he did too. I am Lady MacBeth, an ambitious demon who drives those around me to danger. I am Ophelia, who drove herself to suicide after her love drove to insanity.

I am the women of Shakespeare - proper yet improper; proud yet humble; innocent yet deadly; beautiful yet scarred. I am the forces that keep the men around me tied to their nemesis, and I live for every moment their little leash catapults them back to me. I'm nothing but a modern, living archetype of who I've wanted to be since I was just a little child. I am the perfect combination of the people I've secretly wished to become.

Now, to find that romantic/comedic partner and wrap up my play.

-I Wish I Could Tell You, But Would You Really Listen?"

Coming from one of my older blogs, I posted this a little more than two weeks ago. (I don't know why I copied and pasted...most of the people if not all reading this already have that one...) I realized then what I was told 14-ish hours ago. I realized a lot about myself and while I haven't really seen anyone I play with for about two weeks, I still feel like I'm still playing with the people I shouldn't be playing with. I've formally decided to sever myself from all of the people that are destructive towards my health. Four or five names to ignore and pretend I'm not quietly storing away any bit of information because that's what I do.

What in the world is so hard about finding a nerdy Asian guy that I can take home to my family? Oh, that's right. I don't want someone who won't fight back. I want to be challenged and pushed to my limit - all in good fun. Gosh...the idea of splicing personalities and past relationships sounds so good right now...Too bad life isn't about becoming a modern Frankenstein and creating this..."perfect" counterpart.

I started this post with an intent to do some more reforming and somehow prove that I had more than physical qualities and sex on my mind. Well, the easiest place to start would be the three in my blog quote. James, Napoleon, and Pastry. Well, in the past two weeks, I've decided that Pastry wasn't a candidate at all, leaving me with James and Napoleon. I would like to point out that I haven't written anything at all about them physically. They are both very intelligent people that I've come to admire in the past three years. (What's hilarious is that both of them were in my English class last year...) The two of them have aren't exactly foils, but have little in common. As horrible as it may seem, Napoleon seems more intelligent than James, but James is more of a nerd than Napoleon.

Tristan...I seriously don't know very much about him. He's a really nice kid, a total bookworm, and definitely plays/played WoW, but other than that, I don't know why I really started liking him...Well, he's cute and has really pretty cursive, but I guess that's really as far as it goes....

Dante was proof that I just wanted what I told myself I couldn't have. I guess I never saw him as much, and really, is just a faint blur on the journey. Besides being musically inclined and a closet nerd, there really isn't much going for him.

Lucien is a really nice kid. I've known him since seventh grade, and really, his angsty vault of secrets may be deeper than anyone could expect, but he doesn't show it much. He's always cheery, and every time I pass him in the halls, or something, he always manages a greeting. He's really easy to talk to, and just has this air about him that makes me want to help. Sure, he has his share of drama and secrets, but that doesn't seem to affect his mask, and I admire him for so much. A part of me isn't sure if I only like him still to get back to my childhood or if there really is a reason why I want to baby him and make it all better.

And whether it be cruel or just honest, I can say that this desire is fulfilled with these prospects: "I want to be able to get through weeks without the undying urge to strip him naked and have my way with him."

-I Guess I Just Needed To Show You
Scarlet Bloodmoon

Title From: Broken by Seether featuring Amy Lee

And My Weakness Is, That I Care Too Much

We canceled the crashing and put it off to today. Still, I'm not going to go, no matter how much begging will be done. I'm really enjoying where I am right now with a lot of things in my life. I don't want to ruin the friendships that I have now with these people, and really, why should I let someone easily talk me into something I really don't want to do?

I've always been easily pressured into things and I've never really regretted offering myself to make things easier. People have encouraged me to look out for myself or to just live for me, but I've always pushed their words aside and became a supporting character in my own play. (Wow, a lot of play and drama references...) Well, I guess this is me taking my first few steps towards actually taking the advice of these people who invest so much of their time talking me out of my bad decisions. I'm just afraid that the pressure outside of my little cave of my solitude will become too overpowering...

Well, you never know until you try.

(Edit: Seconds after posting, I felt like I wanted to add something. The following text until the divide is all from that decision)
I've told up to three people about a bad decision in the future. All of those three people have basically told me that I will decide on the "right" thing when the time comes. The thing is, I wanted these people to tell me that I was ridiculous and that I was wrong to be considering the immoral side of the events waiting for me. I wanted someone to either physically, virtually, or figuratively slap me and tell me that there was really no way in Hell, I would be allowed to even consider the immoral stuff. I realize now, that I'll be an adult, capable of judging the field way before I'm playing on it. I realize that I have to make my own decisions because these three people can't decide everything for me. I realize that the twinge of disappointment was probably rooted from the fact that no one can care after a certain point where I have to be responsible for my own actions. I realize, that from here on out, I'm cruising on nothing but suggestions and advice that I can choose to ignore if it fancied me.

That is the scariest realization I've ever come upon.

---

I don't know why this hurts, but it brings me back to a small argument I had with a friend towards the beginning of the school year. During that fight/argument, she talked about me to a third party while I was sitting right there, accusing me of things that I'll admit I did, but treating me like I wasn't there...or just wasn't good enough to be recognized. I sat there, my mind wandering to keep myself from focusing too hard and breaking down, but later, in the comfort and safety of a warm embrace, I cracked. The worst thing was, I felt sorry for screwing up with this presence in the past, and while the only reason I was crying was because I had just been attacked and made less worthy, I could only manage a weak apology for hurting him.

Time passed, things changed, and now, I'm making it feel like I'm baiting him, using my clever ways of catching attention to make him talk to me. In the past two conversations (because the first of the two is when I realized it), I've been waiting for him to use my name. I guess I deserve it, and every "babe" that taunts me from my screen is probably mocking me for my choice in petnames and "terms of endearment" that I resorted to while I was being immature.

For some reason, I keep hoping that while he's analyzing every single crack in my outlook on life or how I present myself, he'd actually address me by my name. I guess, I feel like if he's tearing apart my attitude and reactions towards life, my decisions and moral dilemmas, he'd personalize the experience a little bit and make it seem humane. Well...that's not the right word...realistic maybe? No...Well...I can't think of a word that isn't "personal"...because that's redundant. Moving on, I guess I'm expecting that since this is really the closest thing to actually building a friendship with this person, that there is some level of attachment and a bit of displayed emotion...I'm convinced that using my name instead of a label or petname would reach that level.
----
And since, this person does have the URL to the blog (though asked not to be talked about...Umm...I don't think this was the level of exposure he was concerned about...) I didn't really mean to tear my heart open (I'm a crafty girl like that...making allusions that tie in with my title) and use this as my soapbox to complain about it just for him to find it. In fact, it doesn't really hurt as much as it did the first time, it's now an annoyance I can stand...Well...Keeping true to the reason I started this blog, I'm going to report the major occurrences in my life along with the minor insecurities that make me the horrible person I am.

-I Feel Like I Should Be Signing Off
Scarlet Bloodmoon
Title from: Scars by Papa Roach.

Conversation Tidbits

So, I don't really remember the full context of what we were talking about, or where we were, but there is a tidbit of conversation that I can remember with my best friend.

We were talking about something related to sex and probably about how her boyfriend (which will be named Otter) won't give her oral, but she's given him oral before.

I decided that Otter was silly and had fears based on unfounded online "experiences" and information. My remark? Something along the lines of "That's ridiculous. We taste better than they do, and he won't do it?"

My dear friend Bella, a little confused, asked how I knew how we tasted. She made a reference to an act of cunnilingus, truly wondering.

Smirking, I responded, "That too, among others."

Of course, not talking about other guys, but of masturbation, I was surprised to find out that she wouldn't consider that one first, and probably hadn't actually masturbated herself. Okay, I'm not going to lie, I first started while reading my first trashy romance novel in eighth grade. From there, I've played with different ways to entertain myself. I have felt ashamed before of sharing that information before, but recently, I've come to terms with it and decided that there is nothing wrong with enjoying myself in that way.

Silver: have you ever played with yourself?
me: yes
Silver: but no orgasm?
interesting
me: I'm an interesting person

I am, however, still waiting for an earth-shattering orgasm.

Grr, don't you hate it when you start to develop fantasies and either the counterpart/partner is a complete mystery, or is someone you need to stop thinking about?

You Will Never Realize The Darkness That's Inside

Friday night, I went out with three of my AcDec boys (and we'll call them James, Russian, and Pastry). We went to see "Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears A Who" and laughed through the entire movie...Well, Russian didn't as much as the rest of us, but I knew he enjoyed himself. He'd been looking for any hookups to alcohol, and James definitely was the provider. Through the movie, he had a small thing of Vodka (about 3/4 a shotglass, I guess) and Russian discovered after the movie that there was plenty more alcohol to be had that night. We went to dinner at a semi-sit-down restaurant like...200 feet from the movie theatre (Paradise Bakery). Russian bought me dinner (^_^) and we sat down at a circular table. The three guys sat all on one side, and since there were two extra places, I was an island all by myself. Commenting on the segregation of the table, Russian offered me part of his seat.

"The offer's tempting..."

I stayed on my segregated side. Hmm...We later mixed Russian a cocktail of some liquor (and now I can't remember) and coke. I took a sip and decided I enjoyed it, and the rest was Russian's to enjoy. I drove my brothers home and then headed out again.

Meeting up with James and Pastry outside of a sports shop, I learned we were going to ditch Russian as he purchased things. We giggled and walked to Walmart, which was just next to the sports store. Pastry needed to stop by the restrooms, so James and I left him. We joked about how eventually, it'd just be one of us. We ran off to the back to get glowsticks (as we both needed them) and eventually met up with Pastry again. By the glowsticks, we chatted with some random guy about using glowsticks as a fishing lure, and from there wandered around Walmart until we got to the registers. Paying for the glowsticks, we met up with Russian who claimed we were all traitors. I laughed and realized I was wanted back at home. Oops!

Rushing home, I got into a bit of trouble. Lost of trust, loss of electronics, the usual.

Saturday, nothing much happened. I woke up at noon and finished a book. The Vampire Diaries (or something close to that) was an okay book. The main character was iffy, and I thought that after reading Anne Rice almost religiously, this was subpar. After finishing the book, eating, and then wasting away, my parents decided that they were too lazy to cook, so we headed off to Sweet Tomatoes for dinner. Afterwards, I got two books, Bless Me Ultima and The World is Flat 3.0. More to come on the books as I read them, but I did get them!

So here I am, sitting, and chatting with Pastry earlier this predawn Sunday. We started talking about and developing plans to crash Russian's house on St. Patty's and get Russian drunk. Somewhere, we reiterated the point that Russian needed to get laid (as he went through a pathetic relationship where he spent more than a thousand dollars on the girl. Silly.) and I was the perfect candidate to provide his new "hobby" (that we were going to impose upon him) a starter kit. Guess what that meant? I get to be a whore! Well, not really. My plan was just to walk the drunk Russian to second base and call it a day. Brings up plenty of moral dilemmas though...

So, I guess this is how I feel about my three favorite AcDec kids. James was previously mentioned and is one of my vanilla cakes. Russian is currently a marble cake that I've never considered until Friday evening. If I were to do anything remotely vanilla with this guy, I'd be pampered beyond all belief, and most likely drowned in attention. Then there's Pastry, who I see as good, clean fun and no real prospect of any cake at all.

There's been one recurring thought on my mind all day today. It started when I woke up and imagined how it would feel (minus the hangover) to have woken up nine months from now after a drunken night with Silver. It was an interesting play of events, and I didn't let myself picture actually having sex with this guy. I mean, I know that the main reason behind his proposition was to get me drunk off of my ass and have sex with me, but I guess I didn't want to believe it and just imagined having cuddled with him all the previous night. Then, of course, my mind wanders obligatorily off to my past. Why is growing up so hard?

-Today's Title Comes from My Mind's Eye by Sirenia

These Are The Puppets, Here Are Their Strings

(As I feel awkward using any names without having asked permission...)

I guess it's a bit too late to talk about my ex...In fact, I've really stopped seeing him as an ex boyfriend. Well, as a female teenager and with the large amounts of moral dilemmas drifting about, I'm starting this blog to somehow quietly and anonymously detail my scandalous life. Let's start with the playbill, shall we?

The "Cakes"

One of my friends used a clever analogy comparing his girlfriend and fangirls to cakes. Building upon his analogy, I shared with him the difference between chocolate cakes and vanilla cakes. Chocolate cakes are the girls (in his case...my case, they are guys) who have little prospects emotionally and thus are for more physical relationships and propositions. Vanilla cakes are the people you could take home to Mom.

My Chocolate Cakes:
"Greed" - I met this character at a Comic Convention late January this year. I appeared dressed in fairly revealing clothing and hardcore flirted with any guy that had the attention span to flirt back, and thus, met Greed. On the final night of the convention, we got into heavy petting, so making out and stuffs, to a point where one of my friends is convinced I had sex with him. Apparently, however far we went was the furthest he'd ever gone, which is so very sad.

"Captain" - Though I would never actually go to him for chocolate, he's joked about booty-calling me. Originally a friend of a friend, he was in one of my classes last year and shared with me that out of me and two other female friends, I'd be one of the more interesting in bed (based on our personalities and his male intuition). He's currently dating a really good friend of mine and the relationship seems so fragile. I play only for the sake of playing with guys.

"Snake" - (I have no idea how that name fits him...) I dated this guy for six days before I decided that my then-not-ex was a better choice and just as interested in me as I was in him. From the middle of January, he's been expressing an interest in playing. Recently, I told him I was losing respect in him because he's too playful. He hinted at a relationship, saying that if he had the nerves and gut (yeah, he meant balls) to ask me out, he would.

"Fluffy" - This kid is so out of his league...I don't know why I started playing with him, but his attention made me want to keep him as a feel-good hit. I want nothing to do with him, and I'm starting to feel really bad that I've dragged him into my playing (as he's so innocent it's not even funny). I've convinced him that we don't want a relationship, so I'll just let it die.

Marble Cakes:
"Silver" - I think it's because I've kind of had a crush on him since I was a freshman, but I realize fully that this kid is trouble, yet I want to be able to see some good in him and believe that he is relationship material. We play constantly, but it's never gotten to really physical playing. Apparently, plans are in the making and he wants to get me drunk off my ass after I'm not jailbait anymore. (Edit 3/16/08: Codenamed Silver because that is the codename for each and every one of my love interests since 9th grade.)

"Damian" - This kid I'm just physically attracted to (he is fricken ripped!) and I feel I can teach him more than he could teach me (though I'm probably lying). He's in my physics and programming classes and his dad is a programmer, so I can yet mold him into the nerd I want, but neh. I'm lazy and I really don't want to.

Vanilla Cakes:
"James" - This kid I really have to be gentle with. He has trust and commitment issues, and the only thing that I can really do with this kid is enjoy a pure emotional relationship - if he'd let me. He's in both AcDec with me and Robotics, meaning I spend way too much time with this kid. He's entertaining, too much of a nerd not to keep me amused. I guess if I'm ever ready to settle for a mature relationship, if he's still there, I'd go for him.

"Tristan" - He was in my Creative Writing class last semester and is a sophomore. He's cute and slightly soft spoken. He has the prettiest cursive I've ever seen and definitely a nerd. I've had a friend dub herself my mother just to approve of him. If only I could get to talk to him a bit more...but then I might just scare him away...

"Lucien" - This is a kid that I've liked on and off since seventh grade...well the only reason I stopped crushing was because he was dating this really destructive girl and I didn't want to hurt myself watching him fall. They broke up and he was really hurt. I really wanted to step in and help, but being a really anti-social little girl at the time, I just sat back and watched as he drifted away. I spent freshman year with his brother entertaining everyone, and I finally convinced myself that I was jealous of him for his family closeness. If I actually had the chance, he'd be someone I'd really take care of.

"Napoleon" - This kid will apparently make me more cryptic and cruel than I am now. He's definitely not as interested in me as I am in him, seeing as he has the curse of liking girls in relationships...We jokingly planned to start a satellite project that will control parameters that will force him into world domination. I think I asked for an island or small country in his reign. I've joked about his future wife being meek and nothing but a pretty face allowed a certain budget to entertain herself with each month. He's a very intelligent peer and is definitely rounded enough to be a perfect Renaissance Man.

"Dante" - I guess I started liking this person after one of my friends did. She moved on because he was a jerk, but I found him more and more interesting. He was in the marching band, plays the piano...he was just fun. I'm not really going to die if I don't end up with him, but I feel like he's more of an emotional relationship than a physical one...he just doesn't matter as much to me.

My Gilbert Fanclub:
Most recently, my Gilbert Fanclub condensed to two guys, but it started with four guys who I met at an AcDec competition and avidly flirted with all of them. Out of the four, one of them never got to the level of competition the other three and I did, so I haven't heard from him in a long time. One of the three just kind of stopped after awhile, as the other two avidly stole and kept my attention. My best friend has told me that one of the fanboys would really complement me well, making me wish I had asked for his number or at least stole his phone and called mine with it. Damn! I miss my fanboys! I guess I shall see them next November...